I don’t usually rant, but something has me steaming. Today the following exact message appeared in my Facebook inbox:
So here is the time of year again when we try to raise awareness for breast cancer through a game. It’s very easy and I would like all of you to participate. Two years ago we had to write the color of our underwear on our wall. Men wondered for days at what was going on with random colors on our walls. This year we make references to your love life status. Do not answer to this message just post the corresponding word on your wall AND send this message privately to all the girls in your contact list!!!!!! BLUEBERRY = single; PINEAPPLE = it’s complicated; RASPBERRY = I can’t / don’t want to commit; APPLE= engaged; CHERRY= in a relationship; BANANA=married; AVOCADO= I’m the better half; STRAWBERRY= can’t find Mr. Right; LEMON = want to be single RAISIN = want to get married to my partner. Last time the underwear game was mentioned on tv, let’s see if we get there with this one !!!!!Copy and paste this message into a new one and send to all your girly friends and update your status with your answer. DO NOT RESPOND TO THIS CONVO, just leave and participate.
I’m going to keep my reaction short. I’m hoping writing something down like this will allow people who are as infuriated as I am with these silly requests to have something to react with.
First, I give you permission to ignore this crap. Better yet, write back to the people who have shared it. Let’s do some real awareness here.
The above instructions are not awareness. This is offensive. Breast cancer is not a joke, awareness does not come from sharing the color of your underwear or your marital status (the whole “tee-hee, wink-wink” attitude adds to my disgust). Even if it ended up on TV, that still would not be educating people about breast cancer they didn’t know before. All it does is show the world that lots of people are willing to post silly things as their status updates.
Let’s do a piece of education right here. The status update says “only send this to your girly friends.” Um, hello… men get breast cancer too. Men are also the husbands, fathers, sons, brothers, and some of the friends, coworkers, nurses, and doctors who care for and are left grieving for people (men and women) who die of breast cancer. We should not exclude them from ANY discussion of cancer.
Just because it says it’s about “breast cancer awareness” doesn’t mean you have to agree. Go ahead. Ignore it. Or write back and tell them why you don’t want to be included in these things anymore. Another blogger, Susan Niebur, wrote about her take here. She was an astrophysicist, by the way. She died of metastatic breast cancer.
Anyone who has breast cancer and uses your FB status update as an indicator of whether you support their cause is not very enlightened. When I rank “how to help those of us with cancer,” sharing one of these paragraphs as a status update is the lowest possible method of showing support. There are endless ways to do that. I think it actually is the opposite; sharing these status updates makes people feel they are doing something real for breast cancer causes when they aren’t.
I’ve also had it with the “I’ll bet most of my friends won’t share this post” attempt to guilt me in to sharing something like “share this if you think domestic abuse is awful.” “Share this if you think autistic kids are special.” Well yes, actually, I believe both of those things. And just because I didn’t share them as my status update doesn’t mean I do NOT agree with the statements.
Education underlies awareness. To even call something a “game” and honestly believe it’s doing anything to help any aspect of this disease is delusional.
I also think that those of us who have had breast cancer have an obligation to speak out if we disagree with these posts. People look to us to see how we react. If we not only read these updates but share them, it does constitute endorsement. It says we agree. It says it’s okay to think of breast cancer awareness this way.
I say: count me out of these Facebook games.
I have stage 4 breast cancer and it is no game to me.
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I’ve just posted a link to this on my FB page. Thank you, as always for your honesty and insight.
xxx
Bravo!
Nicely said!
your unconventional approach is refreshing and enlightening. thank you. keep writing.
Just shared this on my fb page. I’ve always despised those posts, but you have so much more standing than I to say so. And why.
Perspective is half the game, getting it out there so it is understood is the leap.
I’m sharing this post on Facebook. I ignore the stupid requests because I have no energy to address the idiots who think this is a fun game. You said it beautifully. Thank you.
Amen to all that.
Cancer as game? No words.
Another twisted version of “cancer as gift.” How can people come up with this crap?
Well done, Lisa. We just have to keep talking about this. I think I’ve finally stopped getting included in any of these. I wrote a long FB rant and blog post with the first one – the bra colors – in which I talked about the real colors of BC (the red turned to white of scars, the blue of our rads tattoos, etc. – nothing cute or sexy about that). I have written long explanations to groups when I’ve been “invited” to join the fun, and then watched as nearly everyone dropped out of the group. The one that was most hurtful, though, was the one where women wrote something implying they were pregnant. I went off completely on that one. Way too many of us have given up our chances to have our own babies in order to stay alive – it was just too insensitive. This year, during the month of Oct., I posted a first name every day of someone I know personally who’s had or died from BC. I explained what I was doing & why. And finally, I am no longer included in any of those memes. I’ve also noticed that almost none of my friends take part either. Progress can be made. Your piece, and the re-posting of it, definitely helps.
So well said. I’ve never participated and never will. I’d rather spread information like symptoms – my mother has ovarian cancer and that’s where I focus. And hell ya, men can get breast cancer – a male friend of ours has recently had his breast cancer spread.
Thank you for sharing.
Thank you, Lisa, for posting this. I agree with you 100% and will not be responding to any FB requests because I am still a “lady” and my response would probably prove that statement to be false. I think it best I just stay out of it becsuse I am very outspoken when I am angry, and no one would benefit from a pissing contest.
I am grateful you warned me BEFORE going on FB tonight!!
Thanks, Fran
Thank you for ‘telling it as it is’ Lisa. Dealing with the idiots who write such rubbish couldn’t have been done better.
Outstanding explanation. I have always felt that as a survivor of domestic violence, it was ridiculous for my friends to think I’m not supporting victims because I refused to ‘like’ some ignorant meme.
I also just posted this on FB. I know people will say “oh it’s all just meant in good fun” but they don’t realize that they are using cancer as an excuse to post silly things. I’m not a breast cancer patient but as a stage 4 kidney ” cancervivor” I understand what you mean. Thanks for another great post.
BRAVO, Lisa! (And thanks for the head’s up that this inane meme is making the rounds again). Nothing infuriates me more, especially from friends that “think” they are being supportive. In the past, I’ve quietly educated and soon tired of their tedious explanations justifying their participation. In October, I took the bold step of crafting a response and “replied all”. I was immediately unfriended (and this was a former trainer of mine who I incidentally introduced to her husband). I sent her a personal note to open a dialogue and she never responded. I never looked back. I’m glad to be armed with this post and I’m saving it as soon as I see “fruits” showing up on my newsfeed … xoxo
Thanks Lisa! I’d like to know who these awareness things are aimed at. Who isn’t “aware”
Amen. I’ve always thought those games were pointless anyway.
I’m embarrassed to say that I participated two years ago–in those days before BC when I didn’t have the understanding of ‘awareness’ that I do today. It’s all about educating one another, isn’t it? Thank you for writing this post, Lisa, so that I can in turn share with others why I will no longer be participating.
jbaldwinglenn: Couldn’t agree more, my friends may just be naive/unaware and following the movement without realizing it is hurtful, and not appropriate. EDUCATE! Saw the other day where a dear friend posted a follow me sort of thing that Lisa refers to, not sure why, her or someone in her family but, I don’t think she realized this is not something those with cancer need from a support perspective. We need a cure, not unrelated strawberry status to raise awareness for breast cancer through a game. How does love life status or underwear color relate to a cure for cancer, if we don’t sensationalize it no one will care. WRONG, we all need to do our part to help make sure people are aware of the right pieces because it is easy to be led by a premise that’s off the mark, it happens all the time.
I’ve probably been guilty of it too because I wanted to “fit in” and be social, but I have also gotten sick of it as well. The cruelty to animals ones and the beat up kids and women.. those all disgust me. Anyway, like a lot of others, I am sharing this on my Facebook page so thank you again.
Thank you Lisa. These things especially when someone posts to me page really annoy me.
I have stage four breast cancer too. And I totally get that cancer isn’t a game. I’m not sure the people passing this message around think cancer is a game either (does anyone think that?).
I agree, this probably isn’t a great idea, and doesn’t add much value in terms of education, but it’s probably well intentioned. It’s really easy to take down someone’s bad idea. It’s really hard to have a good one.
If someone wanted to use their facebook status to drive awareness or education, what do you think they should post?
There’s many things that cause me outrage. People not having access to health care when it’s readily available. Insurance companies that don’t meet their obligations. Cancer itself. Well intentioned, but poorly executed emails and facebook games…. I’m gonna let that one roll….
I think I’ll let your words say it back to you… it “probably isn’t a great idea, and doesn’t add much value in terms of education.” So then, why do it? What should they post? I write many posts every week that thousands of people read and share that are educational. You could do the same. Explaining the reality of cancer, especially stage 4, which is so misunderstood, is education. There is so much out there that does NOTHING to educate. So why not use those words to explain even basic cancer information? So many are ill-informed about what stage vs. grade mean, what metastasis means, how to treat different ones, and even that breast cancer that metastasizes to the liver is not the same as liver cancer, for example.
I’m not saying everyone has to use their FB page to cram info down others’ throats, but if you are going to make a post about education, how about doing just that? Share a favorite breast cancer philanthropy? Talk about as a woman with stage 4 cancer, what do you find most helpful in your daily life? Those are things that don’t have to be major but are still a better use of space than “what color is your underwear?” Myth-busting about cancer is always needed.
As you say, people don’t have access to health care, insurance companies are less than perfect. So why not use FB to educate people about those? I don’t let things roll when there is a chance to ask people to re-examine exactly HOW those posts educate and help awareness. The topics you have brought up are perfect examples of ones that would be far more successful in education/awareness.
I didn’t see anywhere that the intent of the “game” was education. It was a tool to try and raise awareness. The pink ribbon doesn’t educate, it’s just a tool, a tiny piece of fabric. Wearing jeans on Jeans for Genes day is the same. The jeans themselves don’t do anything (although I get that with both, you’re perhaps supposed to make a donation, the donation then supports research).
I appreciate your suggestions on how to use Facebook (or any social media platform). It got me to thinking (and doing a mini mental audit) on how I’ve been using my footprint. It’s two parts pictures (look at me skiing, eating out with my friends – having stage IV cancer doesn’t mean I can’t have fun). Another two parts news I’ve found interesting (Huff Po article on Lance / Oprah interview, NYT op ed from previous Australian PM on gun control). One part things that make me smile (picture of a boy who’s father turned his wheelchair into an ice cream truck for a Halloween costume). I do occasionally post the type of things you describe. Sometimes I’m just plain frivolous.
Lisa it seems like you were really angry about the email, and perhaps my response (above and here) has made you more so. That was certainly not my intention. And I don’t think it was the intention of the “game” initiators, or players. Does that mean you shouldn’t call them on it? No. I was just sharing my response to the situation, which is to usually think about the shades of grey, rather than the black and white of things. I don’t think either response is more right, or more wrong. Just different.
I wish you all my very best (particularly with those hands and feet, I know how painful that can be).
Nicole
Thank you, finally some one is putting things in prospective. My mom was affected by breast cancer, I don’t think that its a game. I am also a 16 year old kid, who is just that a kid. I think that the Facebook status is a fine way to spread awareness with teens. Maybe not to adults there are better ways but for teenagers it gets them asking questions and sets up a dialog. Yes the way people are doing it and the way the message was done was not the best. But my Mom who survived cancer and has friends who didn’t, thinks its a fun way for teens to spread awareness. Thats who it is for, teens who want to do something.
So people stop hating and if you have a better idea I’m all ears but its getting the word out there. what are you doing to help.
“fun way for teens to spread awareness. Thats who it is for, teens who want to do something.”
Fun? Are you kidding me? What was fun about your mum’s experience? Please tell me because I missed out on the “fun” during chemo, radiation and two mastectomies. What’s fun about being terrorized that the cancer is going to come back? What’s fun about watching friends die of breast cancer?
You want to do something? How about volunteering at a cancer center? How about mowing a lawn for someone going through chemo? “Doing something” isn’t sharing a post on FB. Please, don’t do anything if that’s your definition of “doing something”.
[...] Breast cancer is not a Facebook status game [...]
Shared this on my Facebook page. Just found your blog today, I am so glad I did!
I hate all this stuff now too. I never understood before I was diagnosed how nauseating the “pink” shit becomes too. I always urge people to check out the documentary “Pink Ribbons, Inc” to see just how far it has all gone. I have to remind myself that people mean well, they just don’t understand. Even my friends are still gung ho for it all and don’t understand why I’m not that enthusiatic. FB games are all stupid IMO. I even hate it when people invite me to play Farmville etc. I’ve got better things to do thank you.
Thank you, Lisa! I have always thought this, but never could state this as eloquently as you did, I will be sharing your post. Bless you!
Lisa, thank you for this rant! This sort of crap fits in with the plethora of things that well-meaning people do that hurt rather than heal.
I am a newly diagnosis breast cancer patient, stage one and my prognosis is good, but I’ve just started seeing this year’s facebook “game” status posts and they make me grumpier than anything has since my diagnosis.
I loved this post because I totally agree about the idiotic Facebook games, pink ribbons, and statuses where our participation supposedly determines whether or not we care about a cause. But I do think that if a person hasn’t had cancer themselves or experienced it through a loved one, it’s very hard to get that person to really understand. Cancer itself isn’t a game to these guys, and they probably do want to help in some way. But explaining or trying to educate them often doesn’t work unless it becomes a first-hand experience. Of course there are exceptions. But the people who most gain from education (and are usually incredibly grateful for it) are those who are just getting a diagnosis for themselves or loved one (and every day thereafter). We might not be able to get through to the cheerful Facebook posters who naively think their games will change the world (and I’m glad for anyone who never has to experience cancer first-hand); but unfortunately, cancer has become so common that it does eventually affect most people and families. And that’s when education and support are the most needed and valued.
Lisa, I was thinking about your comments about the absurdity of leaving men out of this silly little FB game while women have their fun. You are so right. Since my diagnosis, one of my friends told me that she hates mammograms, because they are so uncomfortable and had about decided to cut back to getting them every other year. Her husband is the one who was aware enough to nag her to continue to get them yearly. Now she knows that my stage one, 2 cm invasive tumor would not have been caught early without mammography. It is deep and even my doctor didn’t detect it in a physical exam two weeks before my mammogram. Hooray for my friend’s husband! And I am relying on support and help from my husband and son, while my elderly widowed father is terribly worried. These four men are a lot more aware than anyone posting silly Facebook statuses.
I mean no disrespect in any way, being a daughter and niece of cancer survivors (and an unfortunate and devastating non-survivor), but I think people, especially young girls, are just trying to rally around amazing woman (and families) such as yourself. Maybe instead of putting them down, explain how they can help.
BEWARE Rant to follow: We need to “cure it not aWear it” like some fashion show. I’m sure the gestures are well intended but, are misdirected if the very people who have the disease disapprove. Marketing campaigns and groups have popped up out of every crevasse, spiraling out of control like a viral infection making it very unclear who’s campaign really helps vs rides the backs of those in a helpless situation. There are women all over the world dying from the disease and more effort is being put into pink this-and-that then the actual cure. The desperately needed research that all this money is SUPPOSED to be for is going to the fanfare of it all, washing it’s true intent. And more GAMES doesn’t help the issue, it further deludes the truth, this is a deadly disease that we desperately need to get in front of. It’s not rosy and pink, it grows like mold. My mother too, attended these fanfares and would rock in the chairs set alongside the track as she was unable to walk. My mother had METS (note past tense, and note there is NO cure), she too was naive not understanding all this rocking wasn’t going toward finding her cure.
We don’t want to see all the mutilated pets, because we are a soft people and seek joy not pain in our lives. If we could turn ourselves inside out you’d see we too are not appealing when viewed from the inside. Play a game to find out where the billions of dollars being raised are going. Play a percent game that evaluates a specific campaign or organization showing their true financial accounting colors. Problem is, this is not a game everyone will understand, it is easier to think about our disease in a sexual connotation, bras, underwear, relationships…really.
Lisa, i am sorry to hear of your battle against breast cancer and i wish you all the luck and strength to beat it.
I completely agree cancer is not a game and there should be a lot more done to help educate others to diagnose symptons at early stages. However i must disagree with your dislike of these posts. It is to raise awareness, not to educate or be insulting or hurtful to others. Yes, some people thing its a game who havent experienced the hardship of what cancer can do to your life/family/friends.
Far too many members of my family have had/have cancer, many did not survive the battle and others have, in particular i am so grateful that my mother survived her fight against breast cancer 11 years ago. Because of her I am very aware of cancer, all the nasties, but I am also aware of symptons that can be serious problems.
As I’ ve said these posts are about raising awareness, so I dont bother hiding it from men what they are about. If simply posting a status gets the attention of people and gets them to google breast cancer and then maybe other cancer and in the end maybe they will learn something new or perhaps feel the urge to donate some money, how can that be a bad thing?
yes cancer is not a game, i wish it didnt exist but for there to be a cure available for all the different variations, people need to help out in whatever way they can whether thats with their intellect or with their wallets. Making something seem a little fun, makes more people join in which means more people are aware, and that, i think, is the whole point of the statuses.
As for educating people, i have to say this the best advert i have ever seen on TV and there needs to be more like this.
I’ll go through this one more time. Even with all of your awareness, clearly there is more to be done. I guess the FB game didn’t work for you in education after all: I cannot “beat” my breast cancer. It’s stage 4. It’s not curable. So already we show that the “awareness” of a Facebook game leaves something to be desired.
If you can show me that a FB game actually results in people Googling breast cancer, I’d love to see that. How the color of your underwear or where you leave your purse can’t possibly lead to people wanting to be educated. Your desire to make cancer “a little fun” is exactly the point. That’s insulting to someone like me who is dying of it. It’s not fun.
I’m glad that your mom has had good fortune to be doing well, but how these games have an actual, documented effect on behavior of donation or knowledge is mere fantasy people use to justify their behavior that not only are they not doing harm, they are doing good.
Oh i am sorry to hear that. I won’t lie I was very young when my mother was diagnosed and a lot of what was explained to me didn’t really sink in. Since that time, I haven’t really looked into the different stages and what they mean because if im honest it scares me.
I can’t show you proof of the FB statuses resulting in people searching it but assuming most people of my generation are similar to me; when I dont know an answer and I’m too embarrassed or lazy, to ask for the answer, I search it. That’s how I found out about the bra status, I asked google ‘why are people writting colours on facebook?’ and it told me. I read a few articles about the facebook statuses and got distracted by other links on the page to breast cancer, eventually ending up on the breast cancer uk website on the fundraising and events tab, where I signed up for that years ‘race for life’ and raised ~£350. All because a few friends posted colours as their status which got my attention.
Yes, I am only one person and that doesnt mean everyone else had the same experience as me but people like to think every little helps ..
Sorry if my postings have caused you any unneccessary pain or anger. I did not mean any harm or good by them.
I think you have proven my point right there. You “haven’t looked into the different stages and what they mean…” So wouldn’t reading a post about the stages of cancer be more educational? I can understand you are afraid. But don’t let that stand in the way of getting your screenings and doing self-exams. I’m glad you were able to raise money for the cause but honestly, learning about the disease is one really important way to contribute too. I wish you good health. Thanks for reading.
I ignored my message i just found in my inbox. I lost a dear Aunty from breast cancer & i think these things are just silly & disrespectful of women & men who have breast cancer and putting up the hard fight just to stay alive. I don’t think they mean any harm & maybe think it’s there way of supporting it but i still don’t participate.
Well said. I hope you don’t mind, but I’m sending this link to everyone who sends me one of those messages. Thank you
Call me crazy, but I’d argue that Breast Cancer doesn’t really need more awareness; We all know it exists, to the point that it has overshadowed almost every form of cancer out there.
That aside, I despise those games with a burning passion, too! It’s slactivism at its finest!
Wishing you all the best in your fight with this aweful disease, Lisa!
I can’t say I understand this disease since I am only 21 and never had anyone close to me diagnosed. I hate those pages too, ( like this if you hate child abuse!) etc. Makes me feel uncomfortable and I usually ignore them. But something about this message caught my attention. I immediately thought to myself, “Another chain letter type message.” And pushed it out of my mind. But later as I was enjoying my “me time”, with my son asleep it began to thump around in my thoughts and just for the heck of it I decided to google this game to see what it’s about. I immediately came across this negative page and after reading the post and responses I decided to research further. Where I skimmed through pages about chances of developing breast cancer etc. Then train of thought lead me to wonder,” How important are self examinations, how would I even perform one, when should women begin exams etc. And from there I gave myself my first self breast exam. And plan to schedule my first mammogram. Sure these messages themselves aren’t informative, but isn’t it possible that that cute little chain message can lead young women like me to further research into the all too real, not cute at all disease that has a higher mortality rate than I previously imagined? And a high chance of developing at about 12% or 1 in 8 based on what I’ve read. Of course this disease is all too real for you. But not for some women like me who thought to myself, “I’m too young to have to worry about things like that.” Or,” The chance is probably low since I don’t have any close family members who had it.” Or,” They say mammograms can actually cause cancer so I’d probably be better off avoiding them.” And I can’t stress enough that I mean no disrespect and definitely don’t want to imply that I even have a shred of understanding of the hardships and struggles you probably face daily and my prayers go out to you and any that have become a little too familiar with this disease. And as much as you and others demonize this “Game” the fact of the matter is, I’m sure I’m not the only one who’s learned more because of this message. And if it encourages earlier detection in more women, which from what I’ve read is a huge factor in beating this thing. Then how is it a bad thing? Perhaps it’s something I’ll never understand unless its experienced. And I hope I’ll never have to.
You are right Wall Flower. As long as YOU learned something through the stupid Facebook games, all is well. The people who have gone through chemo, disfiguring surgeries and radiation have to suck it up because people are not capable of learning anything about cancer unless they learn it in a cutesy way.
Should I send you my double mastectomy photos? They are way cute!!! I can hear you gushing now. The people dying because their cancer came back aren’t going to mind the cute games after they die so who cares.
I hope you never understand. Because if it takes having to have your breasts cut off and to go through chemo and then watch your children watch you die to understand how cute games are hurtful to the people dying and suffering from this disease, I don’t want you to understand.
Unbelievable. Lisa writes this excellent post explaining exactly why this is so offensive and people are still leaving comments about how the cute game made them read and learn about breast cancer. Are they living in a bubble or what?