Today is day 3 of the second round of chemo. My blood counts were good this week and I was able to go ahead with full-strength dosing of 2000 mg of Xeloda twice a day for 7 days. Side effects need to be monitored each round to see what dose I can take each time.
I’m tired after a very active week. Tomorrow (Sunday) is Paige’s 14th birthday. We have a giant Crumbs cupcake waiting for her birthday dinner tomorrow night. My friend Alex is bringing over a special meal of her favorite foods from The Rye Country Store so it will be ham and other assorted treats for everyone.
She likes when I tell her stories about her babyhood/childhood. I’ve decided to finally give her the scrapbook I kept for her during the first few years of her life (okay, fine, until Colin was born and I didn’t have time for that anymore!). It has photos, letters I wrote to her every few months about what she was doing and how we spent our days. I think she will love it. Tonight I will read each letter and page through the book.
We’re in Hurricane Sandy preparation mode. I’ve got two refrigerators stocked, generator propane tanks filled, case of oil for generator, porch furniture moved, flashlights galore, batteries, water, etc. I’ve done as much as I can to be ready and yet still I feel unprepared.
It’s all about control. Loss of control is a tough one. There’s been a lot of that around here lately. I try to give myself ten minutes a day where I cry and lash out at what is going on. I let it out, and then I move on. There’s no other way to be in my mind. To focus on the negative only ruins the days. I need to keep reminding myself of that.
I try to do as much as I can to be “normal”… to do the things I usually do like some laundry and grocery shopping and going to Tristan’s karate class. It helps the kids to feel that things are going okay and also keeps me distracted. My motto is “I’ll do as much as I can for as long as I can.” That is how it’s going to be.
I don’t know what the storm will bring to us and to so many of you in its path. I hope we will all be safe. My best to you all for minimal damage and disruption. As always, thank you for your kindness in all of its forms.
xoxo
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Yes, it’s the loss of control that frightens. Whether because of devastating illness or weather. You behaving as “normal” as you can under the circumstances does help allay your children’s fears, as well as keep you unfocused on the negative. You’re wonderful. So strong, Inspiring. Stay safe during the storm. Including the internal one as you swallow those pills. xx
I think giving Paige the scrapbook is a marvelous idea. Please stay safe & have a piece or 2 of cake.
It’s a good motto. Enjoy Paige’s birthday tomorrow and stay safe during the storm. My best.
Sending you hugs, love, and safety.
It’s 2:45 a.m. in LA and I’m up. After taking a grand total of 3 sleeping pills to try and shut out the monsters in the house in back of me and their music, I’ve given up. The pills didn’t even make a dent in my anger. I’m now trying to drink enough red wine to make me pass out but whether that will work or not, I have no idea. So when I read about the loss of control, I thought “that’s what makes me NUTS about other people’s noise.” I CAN’T CONTROL IT. And it so infuriates me that it makes it all much worse.
Did I mention I’m wearing earplugs and have a sound machine with white noise on full blast? Plus the air conditioner to drown out the noise? And my mom visiting me for 2 weeks and I gave her my bedroom. I’m in the living room and I can STILL hear these morons. Mom, thankfully, is at the age where there is hearing loss so I’m hoping she’s ok in there! She insisted on keeping the balcony door open, and the MUSIC monsters live right in back of that. I thought “Geez, I never thought there would be an up side to losing your hearing but MAN I’d trade hearing loss for regular hearing right now.”
There are so many things, big and small, that we can’t control. As of right this second, writing this treatise on my neighbors, I want to let go SO MUCH and accept what is. But I can’t! Won’t?
Stay safe during the storm. Hope Paige’s birthday is a success. Hope you are too. xo
Me again. The wine has done its magic and the morons have stopped playing their music. Or I’m too bombed to hear it, can’t decide.
I love the idea of sharing the scrapbook with her – what a wonderful birthday present. I hope Sandy is gentler than expected.
Happy Birthday to lovely Paige. The scrapbook idea is wonderful. I was with my sisters when my nieces and nephew were born; each of the kids never tire of hearing their birth and baby stories. The celebration you have planned sounds perfect; I think Paige will love it. Your method of giving yourself a certain amount of time each day to rail against all that is going on is genius. I wish, always, i could make it right. I am sending you admiration, support, and love from California. xoxo
Oh, friend. I just got up with the news. My heart sunk and the tears came. I am so so sorry you are back to fighting this beast. I’m always thinking of you and always here if you ever need anything. So much love to you. SO SO MUCH. xoxo