I find myself in silence a lot,
Tuning out the noise.
No room for anything but thoughts.
I try to forget for a few minutes,
I stare at a spot on the wall.
I lose myself.
No clue how long it has been.
The clock says it’s been six minutes,
I am glad that they’ve gone by.
But then I realize I have wasted them:
Six minutes of my life.
I want them back,
Feel I should use them for something better,
Something constructive.
I am mad at myself:
That was a waste of time.
I want days of suffering to pass,
But I also know that this is the only time I have.
I take a trip inside my head
I don’t know where I go.
Somewhere else,
Anywhere else,
Far away from here.
If you’d let me, I would run away,
I would go find a way
To keep you safe from this,
Safely far from this.
Some days I long to tell you how I truly feel,
But there’s no room for that in this,
No room for that in this.
It is not a choice.
That I know.
And when I finally do go
It won’t be for lack of want, or heart, or strength.
When I die it will be because that is what cancer is,
This is what cancer does.
And when it comes to being fair,
There is no room for that in this,
No room for that in this.
Link to Twitter
Not a wasted word or wasted moment in your words. Powerful and heartrending, this is both beautiful and deeply sad. xo
Amen.
Wow, just wow. No room for the talk of fairness, yes, you are so right. This is powerful. You are powerful. Thank you.
Nice to hear from you today 🙂
Nothing you do is a waste. Nothing.
Got that?
An amazing woman whose words have helped me beyond explanation. Thank you.
THIS is what you should take to the musician you are working with and set to music. It is a song, a lament.
Carla, you are awesome. I wrote the first draft of this and sent it to him last week! It is a bit different now, but that’s how it started, an attempt at lyrics. I’ll keep you posted but thank you for the encouragement.
I’m so pleased to know you were already working with these words as lyrics! I look forward to an update.
Lisa, I just saw your tweet about the song coming together today. BRAVO! I can’t wait to hear it!
When the moments turn and accuse you of not using them to their fullest, there is something selfish in their ply. Perhaps that dot on the wall was moments well spent.
I don’t know, I like you, am a doer. I gotta write, work, or do something that will last- even if I won’t. This persistent march of the moments while we know that each is numbered and subtracted is a daunting feeling. These spent moments remind us how very precious few are left.
Oh, Lisa. I am so sorry. I am so sorry for the moments that pass are refuse to return and still have the audacity to accuse you squandering. If I could send you a gift of time, it would be full of time spent with your husband and children and parents and friends and an extravagant amount of just sitting and staring at any old spot choose.
Thank you for sharing.
Love from a stranger,
Paul Blais
That was beautiful, Paul. Thank you for putting my thoughts into words far more elegantly than I could have.
You’ve done more with what time you’ve had than I could do in my lifetime. You remain an inspiration and an informer to those of us who are with you on your journey.
xo
It is wonderful how you have expressed the value of each moment of living..we forget sometimes, even those of us who are dealing with our own or other’s issues of life and death……thank you for your sharing of thoughts and for your caring about others enough to open your heart to help. There are many, many who will benefit from your honest expression. I am one of them.
Greatest love and caring to you.
If only I could share my time with you. xo
I was in my car on my way to a physician appointment but hadn’t released the brake when I heard the notification of your post. I opened the post and held my breath with each line but kept reading. It was painful but I felt I was somehow linked to the ends of your sentences with my flesh. And then I let go. I had to turn you over to the next person.
You are so beautiful Lisa. You will not be forgotten. You have and will make a difference to many people you have touched. It is so hard to comment as my words feel small. But I walked away once before in life when I didn’t know what to say…. Never again.
This is incredible, Lisa. Again, thank you.
An incredible post, Lisa! Love you, Sarah
Beautiful. Heartbreaking. You are amazing and wonderful. xo
Yes, we cannot live every moment as if it was the last. Cancer makes us painfully aware of this …
I wish you wouldn’t feel guilty for six minutes drifting away, I wish you woulnd’t feel the need to make a happy face when you don’t feel like it, I wish you wouldn’t have to deal with people that aren’t supportive.
I’m sending best wishes!
Lisa this is so beautiful and heartbreaking at the same time. I can so relate to the passing of time and wondering what I did with it. Knowing what you are facing brings so much extra thoughts in my mind as I remember how my best friend was where you are. I am so glad to read you are working with someone and thinking of having the lyrics in song. What a beautiful idea. I only want you to be able to find joy and I am at a loss for words sometimes but I think you are so special and you have the right to feel everything you express. I wish there was something I could do to change your circumstance as so many of us try to see what we can do about this terrible disease. It robs us of so much. Hugs and xoxoxo – Susan
Slayed me. I hope everyone reads or hears your words, those with cancer and those who don’t. Especially the ending… yes yes yes. Courage on Lisa. xoxox
And when I finally do go
It won’t be for lack of want, or heart, or strength.
When I die it will be because that is what cancer is,
This is what cancer does.
And when it comes to being fair,
There is no room for that in this,
No room for that in this
Lisa, Dad may have been a heart surgeon, but you are opening just as many hearts with your words. From my heart to yours. Your dearest brother.
Once again, thank you for using your very valuable time writing.
It’s authentic, which is the most important thing–but you know that already.
Like Carla, when I read this, I thought, “lyrics!” These will definitely sing.
Your words are so powerful, Lisa.
I don’t think the six minutes were a waste of all. I think they inspired your writing in this post.
I hope that you can stop being mad at yourself. We all need silence sometimes, to just be.
Thank you. I know many have said not to be mad at myself… and of course it’s not truly anger. I realize the importance of the quiet, of the rest, of the calm. But the way you’ve framed it, that those six minutes resulted in this post, is quite lovely. I will think of it that way for sure.
No room for that in this – it roles off the tongue like a song. Your heart is so full of love, Lisa. Thank you for making room for us.
Kim
You have succinctly written words I cannot put together in my head about how I feel myself, as I become paralyzed with emotion at times, or pre-occupied with my daughter’s treatment concurrent to mine. I appreciate, for lack of better words, you always “keeping it real” and from your heart. Thanks for sharing this piece.
I followed a link here…
for what it’s worth… your words touched my heart, touched many hearts and I’m very grateful that you have taken this time to remind us how precious time is… thank you.
Hi Lisa,
another beautifull post with very touching words.
Do you mind if I translate it in french for my blog, I will leave the english under with of course your name as the author.
You always talk with your heart, it is wonderfull to be able to do so.
Thank you,
Suzanne
This is simply superb. thanks for sharing.
hey Lisa, those six minutes have been inspirational for lots of us. my thoughts are with you in this critical period. I have to go before i start crying. take care,
Chuck
I so “get” it completely. When I was diagnosed with MBC, I stopped wearing a watch. I want NOTHING from life but more and more time.
Beautifully written, Lisa. Thank you.
Be well every day, and all day long.
This is my first time to visit this blog and am loving it. Thank you