A few months ago I asked my mother to share some thoughts on the difference between guilt and regret (A Psychologist’s Perspective on Guilt vs Regret, February 7, 2011). That post quickly became one of my most-read pieces. When I knew my mom was coming to visit this past weekend I asked, via Twitter, if anyone had any questions they wanted me to ask her.
One reader wrote:
My mom passed away six years ago, when I was 24, after a five-year battle with cancer. I’m getting married in a few months and I’m finding two things difficult: 1) going through a big life change, and the actual planning of the event, is making her loss feel much more at the forefront than I expected; 2) I’m struggling with marrying someone who didn’t know my mother and doesn’t understand (and honestly, not sure how he can, not being there) my grief.
My questions are: how do you help the new people in your life know the person you lost and understand the depth of your grief? And how do you deal with the new kind of grief that comes with entering a new phase of life?
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My mother, Dr. Rita Bonchek, spent her career as a psychologist specializing in grief, loss, death, and dying. She had some thoughts on the subject. I decided to add my own take on it; that perspective appears after hers.
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Dr. Rita Bonchek writes:
In American society, the topic of death causes great discomfort so people do not think about or discuss the subject. When the death of a loved one occurs, the bereaved are often encouraged to put the occurrence in the past. Freud felt that the mourner needed to ” let go” in order to move on. However, when Freud experienced the death of his favorite grand-child, he often expressed with great sadness that he would never get over the loss.
What is not appreciated about the death of a loved one is that “Death ends a life but it doesn’t end a relationship that lives on in the mind of the survivor.” Some studies have shown that mourners hold onto the relationship with the deceased with no notable ill effects.
A childhood death of a parent can be a devastating event. How the child grieves is extremely individual and based on the child’s age when the parent died, the cause of the loss, the quality of the parent-child relationship prior to the death, and the support system available both at the time of the loss and afterwards. If a surviving parent removes all items and pictures of the deceased and does not talk about him or her, the child is denied the grieving process. The secrecy and the inability to have a shared grieving between the child and family that shares the loss is a travesty.
The mourning for a mother never really ends. Even after many years while there may not be active grieving, there are what one child called “mommy-missing feelings.” And what does a mother provide for a daughter: support, advice, a significant person who can help and validate the child during development. No one else is so uniquely important to the child as a mother who helps her to form an image of herself. With this self-image, a daughter is helped to determine how to interact with the world and the people in this world. A daughter’s feelings, thoughts, hopes, desires and attitudes are influenced by a mother. But this mother does not have to be the mother who existed in real life but who is a mother who exists in the daughter’s heart and mind. This is a mother who is carried within a daughter forever.
When a mother-daughter relationship has been strong and positive, a mother loves a child in a very intense and special way. A daughter will miss a mother’s protectiveness, loyalty, encouragement, praise, warmth, and, as the daughter becomes a woman, an adult-to-adult friendship. There are special times in the developing daughter’s life in which the absence of a loving person is painful: graduation, confirmation, Bar/Bas Mitzvah, a wedding celebration, the birth of a child, etc. This is when the wound is re-opened.
Who the daughter was when her mother died is not who she was after the painful event. Every death of a loved one changes us and causes us to re-grieve the loss of other loved ones. Hope Edelman, in her book Motherless Daughters encourages women to acknowledge, understand and learn from the changes that occurred as a result of the early loss of a mother. It can take years. With reflection and understanding of what was lost when her mother died, a daughter can, with greater sensitivity, become her own role model as she creates a strong family and friend network of her own.
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I had the following thoughts:
Even though the death was six years ago, it happened to you at a time before marriage and/or motherhood. While not relevant to all women, these are often defining events in their lives. While you had your mother for your childhood, oftentimes daughters do not fully appreciate their mothers until they become wives and mothers themselves. When you no longer have a mother to admit “now I understand what you meant” or “I’m sorry for how I behaved as a child” it can feel that there is unresolved business at hand. Not being able to ask, “Is this how you felt on your wedding day?” or “What was your day like?” is difficult.
Of course, a wedding is one of these events that is tied to family. How can you possibly explain the ways in which these occasions make you miss your mother? As my mom said, it’s not just the relationship you had that you grieve, it’s the relationship you could be having now. There is no way to fill that void, no one can fill that space. I think that incorporating your mother and her memory into your ceremony may provide a way for her to be remembered and present during your wedding. Because your fiance did not know her, he will not miss her in this event. You will, however, as some of the guests at your wedding will too.
It’s a common misconception that talking about your mother or acknowledging her absence will “make people sad.” On the contrary, I believe that talking about her and her absence is appropriate. One way I think this is appropriate is to mention her in the wedding program and/or light a candle during a portion of the ceremony that names those who are “special to us but not here to share this day.” I have seen an acknowledgement of special friends and family who are deceased but remembered on this special day. A paragraph, properly worded, could mention your mother’s role in raising you, making you who you are today, and how you wish she were here to share this occasion. Similarly, wearing a piece of her jewelry or clothing (like a veil) or carrying her favorite flower in your bouquet might help you feel closer to her on the actual day.
Grief sneaks up on you when you least expect it; the reflexive reach for the phone is a hard habit to break. Both happy and sad events can make you miss loved ones. Every little thing reminds you of your loved one, the things you did and the things you had yet to do. You grieve the relationship you lost and the one you had yet to build. The relationship was truncated, and that cannot be fully appreciated by someone who has not experienced it.
I don’t know if you have shared a lot about your mother with your fiance, but I think it’s important to do so before you get married. I think it’s important to write about her and talk about her with him. He’ll never be able to understand fully, and he’ll never miss her since he didn’t know her as you did. But he does need to understand how important she is to you now even though she’s no longer alive. That may not be intuitive– although your mother died six years ago she is still a very important part of your life.
It’s important to say that not all of the memories surrounding your wedding would necessarily be happy; after all, weddings can be prime opportunities for mothers and daughters to clash. However, the pivotal moments of walking down the aisle, first dance, photographs, and so on can be especially difficult.
Sometimes when we grieve we don’t know exactly what we need, and in the end, no one can provide the “fix” for us — that could only happen if our loved one came back. Realizing that you don’t really know what you need all the time as you go through this is important, too. Something your fiance says might be incredibly aggravating one minute (a reminder that “he just doesn’t understand”) but other times the same thing may strike you as supportive. He’s in a tough situation because he’s trying to support the woman he loves on a day that is supposed to be one of the happiest days of your lives together. However, it has a component of pain involved for you. He needs to accept that dialectic and not try to gloss over or erase the pain that will accompany all of the happy days you will have together. He needs to know that grief will be a part of every happy event you will have in the future because your mother is not there to share it. The sooner he can accept that truth, the better it will be for both of you, I think.
I hope that some of these thoughts will help you in the months leading up to your wedding and that you can find a way to incorporate your mother’s memory into your ceremony. I know she will be in your heart and on your mind.
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Nice post.
My mom is still alive, so I did not have this experience. I have a close friend whose mom died when she was in her early twenties, and I have seen how it has affected her. She is happily married, with two kids, friends, work she loves, but she misses her mom.
I particularly like your reminder not to idealize the relationship, and your suggestions for ways a daughter can be close to, and acknowledge, her mom during her wedding ceremony. I also agree how important it is to honor the ongoing nature of loss. I think we are too preoccupied with “getting over it,” and “moving on.” We carry those we love forever.
Excuse any typos. I’m on my iPhone.
You and Rita are a formidable team. This is an incredibly powerful piece that I will pass onto my friends who have buried their mothers.
xo
Oh my God. I’m not even sure what to say. I started to read this and now I’ll have to come back, because as I did could feel myself separating from myself. If that makes any sense. I think I told you that I lost my mother when I was 4, and I’m only just starting to work through the magnitude of that loss. It’s one big complicated mess. I almost can’t stand to read this, but I will come back again later and try again.
My mother passed away 9 years ago this June. With every wedding of one of her grandchildren and every birth of a new great grandchild, I tear up knowing how happy she would have been. She made our lives rich and magical. I want to pick up the phone every day to call her and share news, gripe about something or just to hear her voice. I try to honor her memory by being a wonderful Grammy to my beautiful grandson.
This is often a topic on my mind as my mom battles a terminal illness. Sometimes I’m filled with dread and anxiety, other times extreme sadness, and sometimes peace. When a mother-daughter relationship is positive and healthy it’s a great blessing in life and in death, because as you said, the emotional relationship can continue in some form.
I recently read an article (I believe from hospice) that I told my mom about when she expressed some anxiety over death. It cited a very large number of people who started speaking to their dead mothers in the hours preceding death. It is believed by some that as your mother brought you into the world as an infant, she will bring you into the next life. We both took great comfort in that.
Thank you for this post. As always it too is a great comfort.
I have starred this. It’s midmorning, hot, and memories of my mother’s last few days surround me this week – even 22 years later. I remember our conversations, sweet moments, and finally, how gently she died. For that I am always grateful.
Affirmation of what I’ve always believed — “the mourning for a mother never really ends” and so many others is a gift. The loss of a mother, at 23, 34, 44, 54 – will always leave a woman vulnerable in a way she wasn’t before.
Thanks to both of you for your support and wisdom.
Love,
jody
My mother passed away 2 years ago. It’s been difficult — she moved in with me when she was diagnosed with cancer so I could care for her. It strained a relationship that wasn’t quite ideal. I felt (and still do), as though I failed the task of taking care of her because she died, I felt (and still do), that we never quite got our relationship worked out as adults. My strange relationship with my mother has affected my relationship with other women. So many things to ponder and try not to take the blame on.
Thank you, as always, for your words and your friendship.
What a wondrful post! I appreciate the time and thought that both of you give to sharing such meaningful insights.
Just another excellent article you have written here! I lost my mom to pancreatic cancer a few years ago. I will always miss her. Sometimes we fail to realize how important mothers are until they are gone. Mine was superb!
Today is five months since my husband, James, died and I’m finding the grieving process to be difficult and fraught with mixed emotions on any given day. Other than the overwhelming absence of James, I grieve most for the life we had built and the future together for which we planned.
My mother has battled depression her entire life, and we role reversed when I was 12, and my father died. I became the mother, and she became the daughter, roles we still play to this day. While she has always been incredibly difficult and distant, and her dementia only serves to underscore this, I know I will miss her when she dies. While we’ve never had a good mother/daughter relationship, I know I will miss her when she dies. She is the only family I have.
XOXOXO,
Brenda
I lost my Mother over a year ago to brain cancer. She had been sick for about 13 months before that with a varity of illnesses. When I was told she had a few weeks to a few months to live, I took a leave of absence from my career to care and be with her. Now over a year later I am still feeling the pain of her passing.
Your blog is very helpful to know that I am not alone and that my feelings are “ok”. She was not only my Mom but my best friend and since her passing I have dealt with severe depression and anxiety. I write to her almost daily and carry her heart in my heart. There is a quote by Whoopie Goldberg who said “no one is ever going to love me like she did” and I find that to be so true.
Thank you for your thoughtful insights into grief.
This is such a wonderful post. I agree whole heartedly, the grieving never ends. I also agree that the relationship does not end with death either. I lost my mom to breast cancer three years ago and the grieving evolves and changes, but doesn’t just stop. And I still have a connection to her, it’s just not a physical one any more. Society often expects us to put it all behind us, not talk about death and to just move on. This is part of the reason I decided to include grief and loss as part of my breast cancer blog. It’s such an under acknowledged topic. Thanks for this great post.
hello… and I need some help please; we lost my beloved daughter in a tragic accident 5 yrs ago..; she left behind an estranged husband but more importantly 2 beautiful little girls, aged 3 & 5; we had lived together since the birth of the little one, and were very, very close. But after the loss, my son-in-law moved out w/ the girls; I see them weekly and at every opportunity I can at school. The older girl, now 10, has separation anxiety, & has internalized the loss, and has isolated her feelings: and the little one, now 8, has deep feelings of loss of mommy, and will have nightime crying episodes, so deep that her entire body trembles; I have a ‘mommy’ room, and we have Mommy’s pictures w/ the girls around; I tell them stories of how Mommy loved them & about her new life up in Heaven..; but I can’t find the words to comfort them, I don’t know what to say..:(:(:(; my former SIL would not let me take them to counseling & the school offers only ‘occasional’ classroom counselors; My SIL does not let me take them to church, & pretty much ‘controls’ their lives. Can you offer me some words of wisdom on how I can help them in their pain?? I am deeply grateful for your suggestions and prayers.. GiGi
Hello..it’s been 27 days since the loss of my beautiful mother. I’m lost…I’m hurt..I’m so sad..Being 35 yrs old women and a mother, I thought i would be able to “maintain”..I can’t. I am…but i have no idea how. My mothers death was sudden. she wasn’t ill or anything. We had the Sophia-Dorathy (golden girls) relationship. i miss her..my son has lost his “nana” that he saw every morning. And now all he has is me. Weak motherless me. Pray for us.
This post is very touching… I recently (2 days ago…) lost my mother to brain cancer. Although expected losing her was like getting stabbed in the chest. Since i live far away i thought that coming back to my home would make it easier to start my grieving process… It feels like the opposite, i feel lost. Also, i am engaged and getting married in less than 6 months. My man is wonderful and tried to cheer me up but has never experienced such loss… Many people have sent me their condoleances but still, i have never felt so alone.