When daughters grieve the death of their mothers

May 25th, 2011 § 443 comments

A few months ago I asked my mother to share some thoughts on the difference between guilt and regret (A Psychologist’s Perspective on Guilt vs Regret, February 7, 2011). That post quickly became one of my most-read pieces. When I knew my mom was coming to visit this past weekend I asked, via Twitter, if anyone had any questions they wanted me to ask her.

One reader wrote:

My mom passed away six years ago, when I was 24, after a five-year battle with cancer. I’m getting married in a few months and I’m finding two things difficult: 1) going through a big life change, and the actual planning of the event, is making her loss feel much more at the forefront than I expected; 2) I’m struggling with marrying someone who didn’t know my mother and doesn’t understand (and honestly, not sure how he can, not being there) my grief.

My questions are: how do you help the new people in your life know the person you lost and understand the depth of your grief? And how do you deal with the new kind of grief that comes with entering a new phase of life?

……………………………………..

My mother, Dr. Rita Bonchek, spent her career as a psychologist specializing in grief, loss, death, and dying. She had some thoughts on the subject. I decided to add my own take on it; that perspective appears after hers.

……………………………………….
Dr. Rita Bonchek writes:

In American society, the topic of death causes great discomfort so people do not think about or discuss the subject. When the death of a loved one occurs, the bereaved are often encouraged to put the occurrence in the past. Freud felt that the mourner needed to ” let go” in order to move on. However, when Freud experienced the death of his favorite grand-child, he often expressed with great sadness that he would never get over the loss.

What is not appreciated about the death of a loved one is that “Death ends a life but it doesn’t end a relationship that lives on in the mind of the survivor.” Some studies have shown that mourners hold onto the relationship with the deceased with no notable ill effects.

A childhood death of a parent can be a devastating event. How the child grieves is extremely individual and based on the child’s age when the parent died, the cause of the loss, the quality of the parent-child relationship prior to the death, and the support system available both at the time of the loss and afterwards. If a surviving parent removes all items and pictures of the deceased and does not talk about him or her, the child is denied the grieving process. The secrecy and the inability to have a shared grieving between the child and family that shares the loss is a travesty.

The mourning for a mother never really ends. Even after many years while there may not be active grieving, there are what one child called “mommy-missing feelings.” And what does a mother provide for a daughter: support, advice, a significant person who can help and validate the child during development. No one else is so uniquely important to the child as a mother who helps her to form an image of herself. With this self-image, a daughter is helped to determine how to interact with the world and the people in this world. A daughter’s feelings, thoughts, hopes, desires and attitudes are influenced by a mother. But this mother does not have to be the mother who existed in real life but who is a mother who exists in the daughter’s heart and mind. This is a mother who is carried within a daughter forever.

When a mother-daughter relationship has  been strong and positive, a mother loves a child in a very intense and special way. A daughter will miss a mother’s protectiveness, loyalty, encouragement,  praise, warmth, and, as the daughter becomes a woman, an adult-to-adult friendship. There are special times in the developing daughter’s life in which the absence of a loving person is painful: graduation, confirmation, Bar/Bas Mitzvah, a wedding celebration, the birth of a child, etc. This is when the wound is re-opened.

Who the daughter was when her mother died is not who she was after the painful event. Every death of a loved one changes us and causes us to re-grieve the loss of other loved ones. Hope Edelman, in her book Motherless Daughters encourages women to acknowledge, understand and learn from the changes that occurred as a result of the early loss of a mother. It can take years. With reflection  and understanding of what was lost when her mother died, a daughter can, with greater sensitivity, become her own role model as she creates a strong family and friend network of her own.

…………………………….
I had the following thoughts:

Even though the death was six years ago, it happened to you at a time before marriage and/or motherhood. While not relevant to all women, these are often defining events in their lives. While you had your mother for your childhood, oftentimes daughters do not fully appreciate their mothers until they become wives and mothers themselves. When you no longer have a mother to admit “now I understand what you meant” or “I’m sorry for how I behaved as a child” it can feel that there is unresolved business at hand. Not being able to ask, “Is this how you felt on your wedding day?” or “What was your day like?” is difficult.

Of course, a wedding is one of these events that is tied to family. How can you possibly explain the ways in which these occasions make you miss your mother? As my mom said, it’s not just the relationship you had that you grieve, it’s the relationship you could be having now. There is no way to fill that void, no one can fill that space. I think that incorporating your mother and her memory into your ceremony may provide a way for her to be remembered and present during your wedding. Because your fiance did not know her, he will not miss her in this event. You will, however, as some of the guests at your wedding will too.

It’s a common misconception that talking about your mother or acknowledging her absence will “make people sad.” On the contrary, I believe that talking about her and her absence is appropriate. One way I think this is appropriate is to mention her in the wedding program and/or light a candle during a portion of the ceremony that names those who are “special to us but not here to share this day.” I have seen an acknowledgement of special friends and family who are deceased but remembered on this special day. A paragraph, properly worded, could mention your mother’s role in raising you, making you who you are today, and how you wish she were here to share this occasion. Similarly, wearing a piece of her jewelry or clothing (like a veil) or carrying her favorite flower in your bouquet might help you feel closer to her on the actual day.

Grief sneaks up on you when you least expect it; the reflexive reach for the phone is a hard habit to break. Both happy and sad events can make you miss loved ones. Every little thing reminds you of your loved one, the things you did and the things you had yet to do. You grieve the relationship you lost and the one you had yet to build. The relationship was truncated, and that cannot be fully appreciated by someone who has not experienced it.

I don’t know if you have shared a lot about your mother with your fiance, but I think it’s important to do so before you get married. I think it’s important to write about her and talk about her with him. He’ll never be able to understand fully, and he’ll never miss her since he didn’t know her as you did. But he does need to understand how important she is to you now even though she’s no longer alive. That may not be intuitive– although your mother died six years ago she is still a very important part of your life.

It’s important to say that not all of the memories surrounding your wedding would necessarily be happy; after all, weddings can be prime opportunities for mothers and daughters to clash. However, the pivotal moments of walking down the aisle, first dance, photographs, and so on can be especially difficult.

Sometimes when we grieve we don’t know exactly what we need, and in the end, no one can provide the “fix” for us — that could only happen if our loved one came back. Realizing that you don’t really know what you need all the time as you go through this is important, too. Something your fiance says might be incredibly aggravating one minute (a reminder that “he just doesn’t understand”) but other times the same thing may strike you as supportive. He’s in a tough situation because he’s trying to support the woman he loves on a day that is supposed to be one of the happiest days of your lives together. However, it has a component of pain involved for you. He needs to accept that dialectic and not try to gloss over or erase the pain that will accompany all of the happy days you will have together. He needs to know that grief will be a part of every happy event you will have in the future because your mother is not there to share it. The sooner he can accept that truth, the better it will be for both of you, I think.

I hope that some of these thoughts will help you in the months leading up to your wedding and that you can find a way to incorporate your mother’s memory into your ceremony. I know she will be in your heart and on your mind.

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§ 443 Responses to When daughters grieve the death of their mothers"

  • Kcecelia says:

    Nice post.

    My mom is still alive, so I did not have this experience. I have a close friend whose mom died when she was in her early twenties, and I have seen how it has affected her. She is happily married, with two kids, friends, work she loves, but she misses her mom.

    I particularly like your reminder not to idealize the relationship, and your suggestions for ways a daughter can be close to, and acknowledge, her mom during her wedding ceremony. I also agree how important it is to honor the ongoing nature of loss. I think we are too preoccupied with “getting over it,” and “moving on.” We carry those we love forever.

    Excuse any typos. I’m on my iPhone.

    • Maria Roma says:

      Hi Kcecelia, the last bit of your post is the most useful advice I have heard sinde my mum dies twenty days ago. Just the knowledge that I don’t have to get “over it”, yes live my life but knowing that is ok to honour this huge loss and that I will probably have to do it for the rest of my life.

  • denise says:

    You and Rita are a formidable team. This is an incredibly powerful piece that I will pass onto my friends who have buried their mothers.
    xo

  • Oh my God. I’m not even sure what to say. I started to read this and now I’ll have to come back, because as I did could feel myself separating from myself. If that makes any sense. I think I told you that I lost my mother when I was 4, and I’m only just starting to work through the magnitude of that loss. It’s one big complicated mess. I almost can’t stand to read this, but I will come back again later and try again.

    • Christine My name is Melissa and I too lost my mother at 4, I am now 33 and I still have issues with her death and I miss her so much, I feel I miss what I think she would have been or could have been I have 3 sons and a daughter I was a only child and I love my children so much. I am so sorry for you lose if you ever need a friend I understand

    • M. Davis says:

      I also lost my mother when I was 4. I am now 70 and realizing that I am still broken by the loss of my mother. Yesterday I watched the documentary film Raw Faith and was again reminded of my brokeness!

      • Susan Barnett says:

        I have always sensed my Mother’s energy around me and I was moved to write a response to your comment. I hope my words offer you some comfort.

      • Lyn says:

        I have been reading the posts on this site for a long time. Yours touched me in particular. It shows us that time does not heal. I am 63 and I lost my Grandmother (like a Mother to me) when I was 28. Yes it does break us and we are never the same. I send you my very best and loving thoughts because I know what it is like to go through the years with a sense of emptiness. Nothing can replace the Mothers/Grandmothers missing in our lives. In my case, the only good thing to have come of my loss is that it has made me more sensitive to the loss of other people, more swift to act in an emergency and more understanding. My thoughts are with you. You are not alone, believe me. Lyn

    • Citla says:

      My mom died when I was 5, 23 years ago. My dad later remarried and my younger brother and I got someone else trying to be our mom, is not until 2 years ago that I’ve realised no one is gonna fill that place.

      I’m not allowed to talk about her or visit her grave since I’m 12, whenever I do it(only been brave enough to do it twice), this is very upsetting for her. When I was a teenager this made me very unhappy but the love for my brothers and my dad convinced me I had to forget all about my mom and not cause any trouble. Silly me, this past two years this has blown up in my face and can’t stop feeling heartbroken about not having this relationship in my life.

      I want to thank you all, I now understand time does not fade the feeling away and there is lots of work to be done.

      • Tammi says:

        That is so sad and I can only imagine how hard that was for you as a child. I lost my mom at 29 and she was all I had growing up. I can’t imagine losing my mother at such a young age and being put in the position you were put in. I admire your strength and I think no matter how old we are that hurt never goes away.

      • samantha says:

        Citla – we have the same story. I lost my mom at the age of 2. Now today it is 20 years that she has been gone and reading your story you just gave me chills. realizing that i am not the only one who has faced facts that my mother was suppose to be forgotten so my step mother can have her “own” family.

      • Kendra Johnson says:

        This year will be 6 years that I’ve lost my mom and my favorite aunt who was like a 2nd mom to me. They passed away 15 days apart.. My aunt on on 9/20/08 and my mom on 10/05/08.. When my aunt passed my mom took ill unexpectedly and never got well.. Some days are good while others are not. My wedding is less than 3 months away and the closer the date comes, the more tears I shed and the more depressed I feel. It feels like a ton of bricks are on my chest and my emotions run so deep. It seems as if Im hurt more now than I was when it initially happened. I feel so alone.. I think about what life would be like if they were here and just pray and cry.. The emptiness and loneliness that I feel is so strong that sometimes I feel that I wont make it through. My son is now 2 and every time something goes wrong, I cry because they’re not here and I know they would have helped me so much with him. w/o them being here, i have to depend solely on my fiancee’s grandmother whenever I need someone.. It hurts so bad bc I know it woulnt have been that way if they were here. I just miss them so much.. Thanks for the blog.. I really needed to vent somewhere, and no one in my life understands how I feel. I’ll pray for all of you grieving, and you all please say a special prayer for me!

  • Jennifer says:

    My mother passed away 9 years ago this June. With every wedding of one of her grandchildren and every birth of a new great grandchild, I tear up knowing how happy she would have been. She made our lives rich and magical. I want to pick up the phone every day to call her and share news, gripe about something or just to hear her voice. I try to honor her memory by being a wonderful Grammy to my beautiful grandson.

  • Erika Robuck says:

    This is often a topic on my mind as my mom battles a terminal illness. Sometimes I’m filled with dread and anxiety, other times extreme sadness, and sometimes peace. When a mother-daughter relationship is positive and healthy it’s a great blessing in life and in death, because as you said, the emotional relationship can continue in some form.

    I recently read an article (I believe from hospice) that I told my mom about when she expressed some anxiety over death. It cited a very large number of people who started speaking to their dead mothers in the hours preceding death. It is believed by some that as your mother brought you into the world as an infant, she will bring you into the next life. We both took great comfort in that.

    Thank you for this post. As always it too is a great comfort.

    • Trisha says:

      Thank you! I just lost my mother 2 months ago. The last time I saw her I told her that my grandparents, uncle, and cousin will be waiting for her. I asked her if she would be in heaven waiting for me? She said “definitely.”
      Your post brings me comfort.

      • pinky says:

        As i read,tears roll uncontrollably.my story is 6yrs ago,my mum passed to cancer in south africa,while i was on a cruise ship working.she raised raised my kids,till the end,and in the end,i was nit there to say bye.since her passing,i feel more dead inside and cry more often.i cant watch tv,where someone is dying.
        I feel like i want to join her.
        U are strong

        • Trace says:

          Pinky,
          I’m sorry to hear that you weren’t there for your mother. You are strong too. I don’t know your circumstances but mums want their children to live their life and to be true to themselves. My mum taught this to me. Mum passed nearly 8 years ago. My brother, sister and I left her in the 5 days preceding her death because we knew she was hanging on for us. After a sibling discussion, we agreed that we had to leave so she would know that we would be okay. We were very not okay but we wanted to let her pass in peace. She passed 5am on the Saturday morning after we got back Friday night. My brother and I stayed the night in her (palative care) room while my sister had to go home to here 10 month old baby who mum just adored. We heard mum take her last breath. It hurt. It still hurts. But mum insisted that we live our lives and be true to ourselves. so we thanked her for being such a wonderful mum (ups and downs in there) by letting her know that we would go on because of her. I have been suicidal but I would never throw my mum’s hard work in her face.
          Take care
          Trace

    • Melanie says:

      Erika your post brought me great comfort. I’m 52 with four grown children and 4 young grandchildren whom I adore. But one year ago I watched my mother suffer 4 years with cancer heart disease and kidney failure when at age 67 she died. She was my best friend and I miss her very much. I understand the the extreme sadness watching someone you love suffer. I loved the part about mothers bringing us into the next life. A nice thought! Thank you.

    • Laura says:

      But then who brought my mom into the next life? My mother just died two weeks ago and her mother , my 95 year old grandmother, is still alive with us here.

    • Terri says:

      My Mother pasted away in August of 2013. She was in hospice with cancer and I witnessed my mom talking to and seeing her mother and a lot of other people that she had loved and that had passed away in her life. I gave me some comfort to watch her speak to them a few days before she passed. To me loosing a mother is the most painful loss I have ever experienced.

      • Cindy says:

        My mom died February 7th, 2009, she was diagnosed with lung cancer December 8th, 2008. I was devastated by her death and now five years later the pain of that loss is unbearable at times. I will never be the same, I will never be totally complete without her. I wish that I could put it behind me, most days I am ok but she is always on my mind and I always feel that ache. It hasn’t become easier, not really. We were very close, she was my best friend, she helped me through so many things, my own cancer diagnosis when I was 17, my failed marriage and other things in between. I would do anything to hear her voice one last time. I miss her so much.

        • Dear Cindy says:

          Dear Cindy,

          I lost my mother in 2012 too. I live with the thought that my mother would not want my life to be stopped because of her death and that I should live my life and honor her in my own ways. It is a terrible loss. You have to find your own way to put it in perspective and use it for the better in life. You cannot let it put you down forever, she would not want that. You have to smile and remember her in the positive and that your mother is better off now.

          Tim

        • Sandi says:

          Mom died June 2013. Almost a year. It is three days till Mother’s Day and I have going through another episode of tears and fears and yes what seems like unbearable emotions. That connection, the fact that we knew that whatever happened mom would always be our rock. I have never felt so alone in this world even with other people around me. I understand and I am praying for you. If you see this pray for me too. We have got to get it in our hearts and minds that they are really still with us. It’s so hard, I know. Somehow we need to find that strength that is inside of us that tells us this. Also, I do not think that either of our mother’s would want us to die inside because they are not here on this earth anymore. Look for signs that she is still with you. Read books about the afterlife and experiences people had written about where they have found a way to be eternally connected. God bless you and keep you safe and secure and much love to you.

    • Martha says:

      When I lost my mother when I was 24, it was the hardest event in my life to get over. Even after all of these years, it can often feel like it just happened. During the major milestones in my life, I needed mom. What I would like to say with a loud speaker, is that because you don’t have a mom others will pick on you. I have finally after two decades learned to not allow myself to be their whipping lady. People prey on the weak, and I was weak. I also lost my father 20 weeks after my dad’s death. My siblings and I are not close through no fault of my own. Just learn to be strong and set boundaries. Know the world will chew you up since mother is gone, if you don’t stop them. My husband and in laws would have never treated me as they did if my parents or advocates would have been there. Get an education if you don’t have one and learn to stand on your own feet if you can’t, because from my experience people prey on the weak and defenseless.
      That is the saddest aspect of my mother’s passing.

  • I have starred this. It’s midmorning, hot, and memories of my mother’s last few days surround me this week – even 22 years later. I remember our conversations, sweet moments, and finally, how gently she died. For that I am always grateful.

    Affirmation of what I’ve always believed — “the mourning for a mother never really ends” and so many others is a gift. The loss of a mother, at 23, 34, 44, 54 – will always leave a woman vulnerable in a way she wasn’t before.

    Thanks to both of you for your support and wisdom.

    Love,
    jody

    • Barbara Santoro says:

      Your story struck me, I just lost my Mom in October. She was diagnosed with stage 4 Renal Cancer at age 72 and died within 10 months- Oct 12, 2012. To many that sounds old, but my Mom looked and acted 52. She already lost 2 children, one at 18 and one a 35 (my brothers ages). She was my best friend, my strongest supporter, my everything. She was the healthiest person I knew, but whatever, I definitely have no regrets, took her to every appointment, was there every day when she was home on hospice, and watched her die. I am 40, no young person, but it was the hardest thing was to watch and Now deal with. I am not dealing well now-4 months later

      • Maria O. Garza says:

        Hi Barbara , I loved your post. It being so recent and is some what comparison to time and ages of my loss. I lost my mom January 7, 2013 due to long time illness from heart defect and then congestive heart failure. I am 43 and she was a young 67. It was hard seeing her deteriorate within a 6 month time span . So true what people say that your never prepared for thier death when it happens. Today was a hard day for me. I miss her so much , just her physical presence. Sometimes I feel just because I’m older or she was older I’m expected not yo grieve more than 2 weeks. I’ve had close aunts , uncles and grandparents last but my moms death has been a pure tragedy to me. I confided in a close relative today about me driving and she simply told me not to dwell on my mom’s death. I’m still stumped on that. I’m married with older children and I feel vulnerable like a child again. I’m okay and back to work but outa nowhere it hits me, she’s gone. She can’t talk to me, hold my hand, hug me, or smile and laugh with me. I suck at this grieving thing. Thank you for sharing your story and I hope you are doing well and I’m so sorry for your loss! – Maria O. Garz

        • Mischante Velasquez says:

          Maria, I understand how you feel. I lost my mom on January 6th 2013. My father came home from work and found her dead at the foot of their bed. We are not sure if it was a massive heart attack or a blood clot and an autopsy was not preformed. I am 30 and my mom was 65 and she had just retired six months earlier. The unexpected nature of her death has really messed me up and I am filled with guilt because as a nurse I am supposed to save people and I keep thinking perhaps if I would have called or stopped by maybe she would still be here today. I am also troubled by the fact that she was alone, and the way my father found her. Its kinda funny that the first month or so went by in a blur and there was so much going on that I was able to put my feelings on the back burner and focus on just getting things done; however its only been in the last few weeks that the magnitude of my loss has really hit me. I miss everything about my mother and my world just dosent seem right without her. Some of my family are stumped about how I was able to keep myself together in the begining and get things done but now wonder why I have some days where I dont want to do a thing but cry. I understand what you mean by feeling vulnerable because in my mind I find myself yearning for the one thing I can never have again in this lifetime ” I want my mommy”. She left me too soon and I am unsure how to navagate through life without her, she truly was and still is my best friend. I am sorry for your loss, no one can understand how hard it is to loose their mom until it happens to them, may you and I both find peace as we navagate through the grieving process.
          Mischante Velasquez

          • Antoinette Ludick says:

            Hi Mishante
            The feelings of grief you are have are very fresh. Your emotions are going to roller coaster over the next few months.

            I lost my mum 18 months ago also very unexpectadly. My mum came from South Africa to help me following the birth of my 3rd baby and she died. We had an incredibly close relationship and I couldn’t imagine my life without her. My baby was 4 weeks old and I had to have mum cremated and carry her ashes home to my dad. Sadly my dad died in his sleep 2 weeks later.
            The loss of both my parents in 2 weeks was to huge to bare. I look back and it was all a blur. I was in shock, I remember telling my mum that if she died, I would to.
            It now 18 months and I can reassure you that time does make it better. But there are times that I find myself crying uncontrollably for no reason but simply missing my parents ESP my mum. These moments of crying have become fewer but still intense. There is nothing the feelings of intense grief.
            I was prescribed antidepressants for a period but I fet like it numbed me. I also felt that I wanted to tell everyone about my loss. Unfortunately not many people can understand ESP if they haven’t experienced it.
            I found a diary helped me and writing about my grief even on websites was healing.
            Antoinette

          • Chantal Allison says:

            I understand where you are coming from. I am 39 years old and am an only child. My mom passed away in June from colorectal cancer at the age of 62. Her funeral is only happening on August 10. I feel such intense pain and loss that I don’t know if I will ever be the same person I once was. She was diagnose with cancer in June, 2012 and they operated in December; they said they got all the cancer. Then she went into the hospital to remove what they thought was scar tissue and told her she was full of cancer. She lasted only three weeks. I am devastated. I really don’t know how to move forward with life. I slept by her side in the hospital for weeks and did what I could but I still don’t feel that it was enough. I feel like a little girl who needs her mommy. I still pick up the phone to call her on a regular basis. People who don’t know what they are talking about keep saying…it will get better or get on with it! They are so cold and have no idea. She was my best friend. The only thing getting me through this is my husband and my friends. My thoughts are with you.

          • Mischante
            I am glad that I read your post. I am a nurse. My mom died from heart failure. My story is very similar to yours. My mom died 4 years ago at the age of 84. I live in Maryland, and my parents were living in Nevada. My mom was alone when she died. My dad had gone out to complete some errands, and when he returned home; he found my mom unresponsive. My mom had been sick for a while. A year prior to my mom’s death we were told by her healthcare providers that she had only a few weeks to a few months to live. Before my mom became seriously ill, she told me that she felt like she was in her 20s. She looked as if she was in her 60s. She was very active up until the time she died. She occasionally complained of being very tired, and some days she felt as if she were dying. I have always felt that I could have done more for her, and I feel very bad that I was not with her when she died. I am having a difficult time dealing with the loss of my mom – my best friend. So far I have not found peace as I navigate through the grieving process. I suffer from depression; some days are extremely difficult to navigate through. Thank you very much for your post; it helps me a lot.

          • Morag hanka says:

            Dear mischante,I lost my mum 6th jan 2013,I cared for her the last few years of her life(I am a nurse also),I really have nothing to reproach myself about but I can,t help feeling I should hav been at her bedside more,held her more,spoke to her more etc etc,I was tod that bame and guilt are very common when someone you love dies,I have come(finally) to understand that we cannot see in to the future and if we knew he date and time of our mums passing then we would ave ever left their side,but we don,t know an we ave to how he very same love and compassion to ourselves that our loving mums would show to us mischante,my heart goes out to you,grief is so painful,”grief is the price we pay for love”,we were both blessed with wonderful mothers,let’s carry that love and joy in our hearts as well as the unavoidable grief,may god bless you,your dad nd all your family. From Morag.

          • Lani says:

            Hi mishante,

            I just read your post and your words really hit me. I am an only child of my parents and lost my mom on October 13th, one week before my 30th birthday. She turned 66 the day she moved into palliative care. She was diagnosed on August 4th and we were lucky enough to spend everyday together before she passed. I feel you exactly on being okay for the first month but now it’s been just over six months (and Mother’s Day just passed) and I am falling apart. I had so much to do right after her death and therefore I think as, I was pretty much on my own ( my dad has psp and lives in a nursing home), that I didn’t have any time to realize the loss. Now the pain is stronger than ever. The slightest thing can be the biggest trigger and I just sink into the pain. I am married and am currently travelling with my husband. I couldn’t be at home. I think I am seriously traumatized. The shock has worn off and the trauma and pain has set in. Everyone who has not experienced our loss says time will heal. Time will pass but the loss and pain in my heart will be forever. I miss everything about my mom and just want to talk to her. I have been writing a lot as I thought it would help but nothing helps to try and figure out why we have to experience such loss and pain in our lives. I wish you all the best. You took the words right out of my mouth and I felt the need to respond to you. Just know you are not the alone with your feelings. Peace and love to you.

          • Stephanie says:

            I have a similar story to you Mischante. Would love to talk to you sometime.

          • Nichole says:

            The same thing happened to me. I just lost my mother a month and a half ago. Her roommate found her on her bed, facedown, with her fists pressing into her chest. Mom has had heart problems and just had a Stent placed in November 2013. Mom didn’t like the way her prescriptions made her feel, so she quit them cold turkey. I am also a nurse, and told her it was a bad idea because you’re supposed to stay on the blood thinners (Brilinta) for up to a year after Stent placement. Well mom stopped the Brilinta and just took a baby aspirin daily. She started complaining of chest pain several times a day and used her nitro. Doctor said it was “esophageal spasms” that was causing the pain only nitro could relieve. Mom passed away unexpectedly at the age of 48 just 2 months after stopping her prescriptions. As a nurse, this absolutely devastated me. I should have seen this coming and told her to continue her meds. Unfortunately, her job let her go during her medical leave so she lost her insurance. It’s ironic…she got approved for Obama care and food stamps a week before she passed and didn’t even get the chance to use them. I feel so guilty and angry about everything. My mom was my rock. I miss her so much…

          • Leesa says:

            Mischante,

            So much of what you wrote sounds like how I feel. My Mom (85) died on April 10th of this year. I am a champ at putting one foot in front of the other and getting through the day, but have been so numb until just the last week or so – now I am getting the anger and the sadness although I cannot seem to cry. I can cry over puppies and sad movies with no trouble at all, but not over Mom. Most days I just don’t want to get out of bed at all or just watch mindless TV, but there are always things I “must do”. Just waiting here for things to feel better.

          • April says:

            Mischante, I’m 34 and I lost my mother last July. Our situations our almost same but my mom’s boyfriend found her laying across the bed that morning. She had been sick with lung infection but nothing fatal. I just wanted to tell you that I’m not a nurse and I carry this unimaginable amount of guilt with me every single day. I should have known, been there with her, something! Was she scared? Did she hurt? It replays day after day. Her death certificate says massive heart attack but we didn’t get an autopsy done either. So many unanswered questions. Out of a lot of these replies I read not many people mention the guilt. I was very touched by your story and that our situations were similar. I will pray for you. I have dreaded one year aniversary coming up next month. I pray god gives me the strength to get through it. Honestly if it weren’t for my son I don’t know how I’d made this far. If you ever need someone to talk too my email is dukesapril@ymail.com. I’m also on Facebook.

          • Heather purvis says:

            Hello. I am grateful to have stumbled upon this. I am hoping maybe you can help me. I too am a nurse and my mother died unexpectedly less than 6 weeks ago. My father found her. Called me.. I live very close. I started CPR never got her back pronounced at hospital … Heart failure. No heart problems. Only Rheumatoid arthritis My mother was also a nurse and only 58. I carry so much guilt The pain and sorrow seem so much worse now than initially. I am staying strong for my daddy but honestly i feel so empty. Sorry to ramble Any suggestions would be welcome. Cajun1075@yahoo.com

        • Margie says:

          Hi
          It is really hard for me.
          My mom passed January 24,2013.
          She went into the hospital on December 17′ 2012 and never came home again.
          I miss her, and I cry many times during the day.
          We lived together for 60 years. She was my best friend and I will forever miss her.

          Hugs,
          Margie

          • Veronica says:

            Margie,

            My mother also died on 24 January 2013, I lived with her for 8 years and cared for her after being diagnosed with cancer in 2012, after surgery she improved out of sight and noone could believe how well she looked, she was 89. She died suddenly of other causes almost a year later a few months short of her 90th birthday. It was hard seeing her healthy one day and lying dead in a hospital bed the next but I am very proud of the fact that she died peacefully and lived in her own home, I never wanted to see her in a nursing home. She was my only parent as my Dad died when I was 4. I am recoving from a recent operation and everything has just hit me all of a sudden and I am not coping well, a have many friends and support but it just does not seem enough as the grief some days is overwhelming. I know in time I will feel better and get on with my life but seem uncapable of making any decisions at this stage…

          • Jeanne says:

            I just lost my mother May 6, 2013. She was 83. I am 59. Her health had been deteriorating for the last few years, and here had been several close calls, so in a way it was expected. This past year I made sure that we laid to rest any issues that had caused tension between us, and we discussed her upcoming death and how much I owed to her, loved her, and would miss her. I thought I would be able to accept her death better than how I’m doing now. I didn’t realize tht she was my best friend, and how much she comes to my mind during the day doing almost anything. I can’t e-mail or phone her to talk to her anymore, check on how she is, or ask her opinion on anything.
            There is no bringing her back, and I wasn’t “done” with her. I wasn’t “ready” for her to leave me. Am I suffering from self-pity? I am angry that people we love need to leave our lives. 10 years ago I lost a younger sister unexpectedly, and the grief for her was immense. Initially my mom’s death felt so different from that, that I thought I was going to be “ok” handling her death. My mom went peacefully in her sleep, probably right after using her nebulizer and having a cup of coffee. She was in her bed, covered, slightly on her side. I got to go see her that evening. I was able to lie next to her, to hold her, to cry and to talk to her. I took pictures. I could not have asked for a better way for her to go.
            I was encouraged this past Friday because I felt on top of the world again, and knew that I’d pull thru this. Saturday I went to my mom’s house, wrote thank-you notes with my 2 sisters, cried, sorted thru a few of Mom’s belongings, and since then I’ve been “down” and angry again, and crying intermittently.
            I don’t know what to do with these feelings that I don’t like. I’m glad this blog mentioned continuing the emotional relationship. Is it appropriate to e-mail her, knowing full-well that she’ll never respond and isn’t even reading them? How do people continue their emotionl relationships with their moms?

          • cris says:

            I recently lost my mother, on April 30, 2013. She went into the hospital on March 12, 2013 and never got discharged. As a clinician for the past 30+ years, I am angered at the substandard care my mother rec’d, ironically it was me who brought her to where I work and the MD’s that are my colleagues misdiagnosed her ailments to the point she could not fight the battle anymore. I was extremely close to my mother and very involved in maintaining her stable health for years. Unfortunately, in 2010 when an MD gave her a RECLAST infusion, my mother’s health declined rapidly due to the destruction attributed to internal organs. Not a day goes by that I am not hysterical crying and blaming myself for bringing her to the Medical Center where I work. Her last words to me will haunt me for the remainder of my life. She said “you did this to me.” I hope she didn’t mean that because it’s slowly killing me each day . I have been staying at her home, crying myself to sleep. I now have no parents left and it’s so painful, it makes me question why we exist at all. To all that are going through similar pain we must be strong and forge ahead, and relive the great times if only in our minds. I am so grateful I had a great and beautiful mother. I just can’t come to grips that she is dead due to poor care in the hospital that I work in everyday. I miss both of my parents terribly, but the bond that grew in recent years was so wonderful I have a huge void in my heart.
            Be well, cb

          • madeleine says:

            Margie I too just lost my Mom, funeral was yesterday, I too had her in my daily life for 60 years. God bless you with strength.
            madeleine

        • Maria says:

          Your story really affected me. My mom just died (4 days ago) and I feel so lost and deeply haunted by having watched her die. She too was in Hospice house but only the last 2 days of her life. My mother had congestive heart failure and had been living with me for last 5 years. Her condition started getting worse within the last year and she longer could get up from bed. I was with her on her last night at Hospice and along with my sisters watched her as she took her last breath that next morning. I’ll never forget how helpless I felt. I ran out of the room to get a nurse and as my mother wasn’t breathing and I thought they could do something. Thank you for reading my story.

          • Marlene says:

            My Mother passed away yesterday at the age of 107 1/2 yrs. In January she would have lived 108 yrs. No matter how long our Mothers live, they are missed…there is no other person that can fill our hearts in the way they do. And we carry their momory forever.

          • Bren bott says:

            Maria,
            I lost my mother on march 12, 2013 at the age of 73 due to a cardiac event caused by a car accident that wasnt her fault. Her heart stoped and she never regained consciousness, the dr’s told me she would never wake up again- (it had been 5 days and every day she was getting a higher fever, filling with fluid, and dr could not tell me for sure if she was in pain)so I had to have the life support removed, I have no siblings and even at age 40 with only my wonderful husband by my side, we stayed with her as she took her last breath. It was horrifying and even though its been 5 months, it feels like only last week. She was on her way over to my house at the time of the accident- and I had just spoken with her just 1/2 hour before the accident. If I had only kept her on the phone, one minute longer, 30 seconds even, she wouldn’t have been at that spot at that exact moment. But I know there are no do overs in life and she wouldn’t want me for one minute to be torturing myself like this, so I take it one day at a time. I still have many days when I just have to have a good cry and let it out. I have read all the previous texts from people in here, and although I am not especially religious person, I will be having each and everyone of the people in my prayers for some peace to help us each accept our loss of our moms- it is a loss like no other and only when one has experienced it can they truely understand just how heartbreaking it is. My dad is still alive but my parents divorced and he remarried 20 yrs ago and decided his new wife was all the family he needed, he didn’t even so much as send a card, flowers, or make a phone call out of respect. I am blessed however to have such a wonderful husband and I still “talk” with my mom on a daily basis, I can still feel her presence around me, I don’t believe our moms ever actually ‘leave’ us if we listen to our heart, we can still find our moms there.

          • Bren B says:

            For Marlene and everyone that had a recent loss of their mom, if you are lucky enough to have a voicemail recording from your mom, please consider recording it on to something other then just your phone’s voicemail bc they get erased after a few months, I was lucky that a friend shared that info with me and quickly recorded any messages I had from my mom on to more permanent places. I find it if great comfort to be able to still hear her voice, saying my name from time to time and hope this info can be helpful to others as it was to me. Take care ❤

        • elizabeth says:

          Maria I dont even know were to begin telling you on how much of what u are feeling is exactly what I am feeling!! I lost my mom in Aug.2012. I also have children and I feel vulnerable like a child again ( im 42)
          “outa nowhere it hits me, she’s gone. She can’t talk to me, hold my hand, hug me, or smile and laugh with me. ”
          This is the hardest to deal with. I suck at this grieving thing too!
          i WONT EVER BE THE SAME…..I MISS YOU SO MUCH MOM

          • Maria says:

            Thank-you so much Elizabeth for such a thoughtful message. It’s been a week today and I can honestly say I miss her more today than ever. Thanks again and I wish all the best to you.

          • Sylvia B says:

            I recently lost my mother on August 12, 2013. She had been living with me on and off for the last 6 years. She had went home to her house for the weekend, which she didn’t get to due often because of her health. My sibling and I called many times a day to check on her while she was there. The morning I was to pick her up she did not answer the phone. I sent someone over to check on her and found out my mother had passed away. I feel so guilty for not being there. I never wanted her to have to die alone. I moved within 30 minutes of her so we could spend her retired years doing all the things she wanted to do. She was my best friend we did everything together. I had barely moved in when my mom had a devastating car accident. We didn’t expect her to survive, but she came back to us. I think she knew how much we needed her. I am a nurse and quit working to take care of her after the accident. She developed many other health issues and I resided to the fact that I would not be able to return to work so I could take care of her. She was diagnosed with lung cancer 8 months prior to her death. She endured all the chemo and radiation treatment with bouts in the hospital at times. She never complained. We went to every appointment together. She was always smiling and trying to make others fighting for their lives smile and laugh up till the very end. She was remarkable. She was my world and I have not been able to adjust with life without her. As I am writing this tears are streaming down my face. If only i had picked her up a day earlier. I am lost. Nothing seems to matter anymore. This is one time I am glad my 2 grown children and 4 grandchildren don’t live closer because at least I can appear together for their short visits. The reality of not having my mom is killing me. I literally feel like I am dying of a broken heart. I miss her so bad. I can’t function my life is crumbling my marriage is crumbling, I feel so alone. The only person who loved me unconditionally is gone.

        • April says:

          I’m 33 years old. I just lost my mom 8 days ago. She also had heart problems. She had become very ill the past few months. At her last Dr. appointment they scheduled her an appointment with a heart doctor a month a month later. She passed away 2 days before the dr. Appointment. She was alone and I think she may have known something bad was wrong by some of our conversations. I replay it over and over in my head. How could I have not known? I feel like I should have been there done something. My heart is broken, I miss her and I’m filled with so much guilt. I only have one younger brother so arrangements and everything fell on me. I honestly don’t know how I will get through this.

          • Amy Sims says:

            April, I too lost my mom in May 2013.. I too had to watch her die and take care of arrangements for her memorial services.. I took care of my mom, she had Lupus.. There’s not a day that passes by that I don’t cry or miss her.. I know the burden that you carried… just know that God knows and He will bless you.. id like to become your friend because it hard dealing and the best way to cope is having someone there listening to you and know exactly what. you are going through…. Peacefully ,
            Amy. email me: simsamy80@gmail.com

        • Estelita says:

          Wow must be something with the month of Jan in 2013. My mom died January 5, 2013 at 12:43 pm at age 70. I turned 40 on January 19th and would have rather just died than even spend a second happy it was my birthday. It has been almost 11 months for me and I’m still beside myself. I’ve gone past her bday, mothers day, her wedding anniversary, and now coming up on Thanksgiving and Christmas. Not sure how I’m going to get through both of them without my family wanting to run from me. I’ve always had the mind set of we live and we die its apart of life. I belive my medical background and my husbands Law Enforcement career makes me think this way. Up until the moment my mom took her last breath I still felt that way. Until she took her last breath. I was standing outside of her room at the time and I felt like the wind had been sucked right out of my body. At that very time after I said something about it my husband came out of the room to let me know she had just passed. I was so beside myself that last 15 minutes of her life I couldn’t even be in her room with her. I came completely unglued in a way I never believed was possible for me. I’m not the same person I was before her death and I can’t seem to get out of this god awful slump I have fallen into. I took care of my mom for 9 years in my home and 5 years in her own home before she finally moved into my house. NOTHING in my life is normal anymore. I can’t stand even going home some days. I go in her room and it doesn’t even smell like her anymore. I sit on her bed and hope to hear her voice in my mind but I can’t even remember what her voice sounded like anymore. It never comes and I never feel her presence there. This makes me the most sad. I thought for sure I would feel her there after she died. Makes me wonder what is really happening to us when we do pass away. I hope the holidays for you are not going to be as bad as they are for me. Either way remember you are not alone in your feelings. I to am in my 40’s and grieve my moms death as if I was a young child. You have to remember we had our mothers in our life our ENTIRE life. Its a big part of you suddenly gone.

          • Christina says:

            Yes, i agree something about the month of January, I also lost my Beautiful Mom on January 25th. 2013. I sometimes think Mom held on so we can spend the Holidays with her.

      • jill moscato says:

        I just lost my mom last week. Don’t know where to go with the pain. I took her to every appointment and visited her everyday in hospice. I called her eveyday for th last 20 years but I still feel guilty that I did not do enough. within the last year, she got pulmonary fibrosis with many hosptial visits. I would get crabby and tired and then worried. If I could just sit with her one more time to tell her how much she meant to me- in words and not just acitons

        • Kerry Andersen says:

          Jill, you and I are in the same situation. I lost my mom, my best friend in the whole world, on March 10, 2013. One thing that I want to tell you is that your mom knows your love. She could feel your love in your actions. She didn’t need to hear the words that you think you did not say. And, if you want to say the words now, you should. I talk to my mom every single day. This may sound really crazy — but her birthday is next week and I bought her a present. Nothing huge. Just a lip gloss that I know she would love. I am going to wrap it, open it, and tell her how grateful I am that she was born. That she is my mom. Your mom will always be your mom. Not even death can take that away from you.

        • Elaine Young says:

          Dear Jill
          I too lost my darling Mum to pulmonary fibrosis in June 2012. Although we knew it was inevitable, it still shocked us when it happened. Her courage and lack of complaining had falsely led us to believe that she was better than she was and we had longer with her than we had. I am really struggling with her loss. I miss her love the most. I feel like at ship at sea without an anchor. My grown-up children think I should be over it and are not very sympathetic. I find myself suppressing my grief which I know is unhealthy. The reality of the finality is brutal. My Mum still shed tears when she spoke of her own Mum who died 45 years ago, so I don’t hold out much hope for myself! It is conforting to know that there are others out there who are experiencing my feelings of loss and desolation.

        • patti.zahn. says:

          My Mom died February 1′ 2013′ she was my best friend, confident and my world. I took care of her since she fell at my house in December, 2010, she almost died at that time but thank god I had her another two years with her. I will never forget the phone call that I received at 4:03 in the morning of February 1, 2013, “Patti, your mother died at 3:45 am. I had just seen her the day before. She held me in her arms and said “your my baby, your my baby, I love you do much, I responded with and you are my Mommy and I love you too. Those were the last words that we spoke to each other . I still can’t believe that she’s gone. I lost my brother on January 22, 2008 and my Daddy died from a broken heart just 16 days later. I couldn’t believe that a god would take my Dad just when we needed him most. My heart and soul have been ripped from me. I have been so angry with God, why? Why God why?
          You have taken the heart and soul of our family, I hope and pray to get through this . I miss you all.

          Patti Zahn

          • Alice says:

            Patti, I’m so sorry for your losses. My Mom passed August 20, 2013 at 12:35–here with me in my home. It’s VERY hard! I too have wondered WHY GOD?! WHY?, Recently, someone REASSURED me this: GOD did not “take her”, HE received her HOME…
            Sometimes, this helps; other times, not so much.
            Simply, I MISS YOU MOM!!!!!!!
            And, an acquaintance (medical) told me:”Remember when we lose someone and it hurts, that means they were truly a blessing for us while they were with us, and touched our lives.” THIS is TRUE. It helps.

        • patti.zahn. says:

          She felt the love that you gave her. I know I question myself, did. I say I love you enough, did I tell how much she meant to me, did I make her final days more bearable. I know how lost she was without her beloved first born child, her only son and then to lose her soulmate of 65 years, my wonderful Dad, I’m so so sad. Good thoughts to you in your journey, my prayers are with you.
          Patti Zahn

        • Carol Thuening says:

          Oh my gosh Jill….I’m so relating to you right now…My mom passed away on Sept. 3 2013 …I miss her so darn much…..she was diagnosed with sudden onset pulmonary fibrosis in August. We watched her try to breath while needing more and more oxygen each day…My sisters and I sat with mom all of Labor Day weekend trying to comfort her and do whatever it took to make her last moments easier…and I too, wish I could just sit with her one more time, hug her once more, tell her that I Love her once more and kiss her once more…I think losing my mom is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to deal with…I’m lost without her.

      • Lynne says:

        My mom died at 75. She lived with ovarian cancer just over three years. I also watched my mom take her last breath. I can’t get it out of my head, although at the time I was so glad she was finally free. I’m not sure how to get over this. My mom was also my best friend.

      • donna says:

        What a wonderful gift you shared with your mom…My mom and I shared a similar relationship and journey. Your mom welcomed you into this life and you were the one who so graciously assisted her to finish her journey in this life and begin anew. Without life there would be no death and without death there would be no life…Your mother will live on in your heart and thoughts…she is the gentle breeze, the warm summer sun…she will be with you always…

      • Nette says:

        I lost my mom on October 13, 2013. And I cry every day.

        My my was 86 when she passedd away. 86 but she was so cool.

        She did not have dementia and just loved to talk. ThIs past year she was starting to show signs of her illness. She had heart disease. But I wouldn’t or couldn’t believe that she was “that” sick. She never complained. Whenever I asked her, “how are you doing today, Mom” she would say, “I’m GOOD! I’m GOOD”.

        I took care of her. Brought her to her doctors’ appointments, gave her medications, cooked for her, shopped for her, I would bath her, I would do her hair; anything she needed to feel good! I just loved talking to her. We had our own little secrets. She was my FRIEND. I miss my FRIEND.

        I am not young, I am 63 years old. But, I feel like a little girl who lost her mommy.

        I don’t know what else to say. It does hurt so bad. And I still find myself crying many times througout the day and night! Maybe because Sunday is Mother’s Day and everything on TV is geared toward honoring MOMS. Maybe..

        I find myself talking to her hoping she could hear me! I know that sounds nutty but I don’t care…

        Well what more can I say? I love you, Ma!

        • Maureen says:

          I lost my father when I was 19 in 2000. Although I grieved his loss and was sad, I was able to overcome his passing mostly in part due to my mom’s faith, strength and courage. However, when I lost my mom 5 1/2 years ago after her battle with cancer, it devastated me and a part of me died with her. I’m now 31 years old and still can’t get over her death. I miss her so much. I was 26 years old when she died and just started my real adult life. I got married shortly after her passing and had my first baby last summer and although these occasions were/are the greatest moments of my life, I can’t help feeling unbelievable sadness knowing my mom isn’t here to see her grandson, meet her son-in-law, give me advise and have our relationship grow deeper. I am grateful that we had a very close relationship when she was alive, but I can’t help wondering how wonderful it would have been now that I too am a wife and mother to have her by my side and share our experiences. She was my rock, my confidant, my best friend.

      • terri morton says:

        dear barbara, my mom passed away a year and half ago im still not doing great. sitting here crying and missing her so bad it pyhsicaly hurts. have to stop crying now though, as my beautiful 3 yr. old wants mommy to color now, thank goodness.

      • JoAnna says:

        I tend to relate with your post. I just lost my mother less than five months ago suddenly and unexpectedly. She was only 67 and with my father for fifty years. My mother and I had a beautiful, close relationship. I’ve been going through the motions of everyday life but I recently have become overwhelmed with grief and feel actual “heartbreak” when I think of my mother. I miss her terribly. I feel I’ll never get over her passing. I want to take comfort in my belief that she wants me to live a fruitful life and that we will be together again. Thank you all for sharing. I don’t feel as alone.

      • Tammi says:

        I really admire your story and it sounds so similar to mine. I was the same way with my mom. She passed from congestive heart failure when she got a blood clot in her heart pump that we couldn’t get to pass before we got a heart for transplant. I was there every step of the way and while it was extremely hard for me I have no regrets. I struggle with the fact that she was only 61 and will never get to meet my children (if I have any). I know it seems to get easier with time but a year and a half later I still pick up the phone to call her. She crosses my mind every second of everyday. I’ve grown to realize I miss her the way that I do because of how close we were. That’s what I try to remind myself of every time it gets hard.

      • Cynthia says:

        Barbara, you’re not alone. My mother was a strong, vital, laughing woman last July. Then she started falling down. She was diagnosed with brain cancer. I quit my job to help take care of her, took her to treatments and doctors, fed her, combed her hair and put her favorite lotion on during joint therapy. We lost her Jan. 15, 2013… and my father to grief on May 20. I held both their hands. And I can’t stop crying. My mom was 77 and my father 76.

      • Sharon says:

        Hi Barbara,

        That doesn’t sound old to me. I am 47. My mom passed away on Feb 15, 2013 at age 69, after an 18 month battle with ovarian cancer. She, too, was beautiful and young looking and she kept up with the times; she was healthy and strong and we were all shocked when she was diagnosed with it in Aug 2011. Anyway, I moved her in with me (and my husband, and my oldest son, daughter in law and granddaughter (her great grand) the moment we got the diagnosis in Aug 2011; we made the decision to all live together due to the uncertainty of her condition and because we all loved her so much and wanted to be near her. I took her to every appointment and she fought so hard to beat it. For a while it looked like she would, but in Dec 2012/Jan 2013 she took a turn for the worse. We were told that it had metastasized to her brain, and she didn’t have much time left. We opted for hospice at home, as this was her wish. I (with the help of my oldest son who is an RN) took care of her until she died. When she did pass, my son, my step brother (she was his mom, too) and I were all there with her. My heart felt like it would crack right in half as I watched her dying. She was my best friend and I don’t think Ill ever stop missing her; she was the rock of my life and I so want to hear her voice or touch her again. Every day since has been a challenge and the grief and sadness hit unexpectedly and so overwhelmingly at times. Anyway, thank you for sharing and I am so sorry for your loss.

      • Kelli Vaccaro says:

        You are the first person’s e-mail that I read that said your mom was everything to you.
        That is my mom to me. She passed in March. She was, alwasy will be my world. She did everything for me and was everything to me. I love her and miss her to the depths of my soul.

      • Barbara, It’s one of the toughest things I have had to live through. And, Mom’s passing is NOT the first in my life.
        She just passed August 20, 2013 12:35pm. She’d been diagnosed: stage 3 breast cancer, September 2006. Surgery, removal of lymph nodes, frequent chemo. She has ALWAYS been a fighter! for the good! The cancer spread to her liver–2009. More frequent chemo. She was SO ALIVE! Going with her lady friends to lunch or supper/volunteering for many things…she was AMAZING.
        This past January, she had to have a blood clot removed and drained from her right brain–following a fall. Intense P.T. for weeks–don’t know how she did it. Regained her strength and her left extremities! Then, in February (after missing ONE chemo), oncologist said the cancer had worsened = different chemo drugs. The liver cancer caused ascites (build up of abdominal fluid that, normally, the liver removes from the body). Appetite went way down, “I’m too full to eat or drink any more!” Started loosing a lot of muscle, fat; yet her abdomen was large, from the distention. Made her miserable. She was skin and bones.
        In and out of hospital couple times. Followed by weeks of P.T. again–did very well with ALL the physical therapy she had to endure. What a TROOPER!
        She also had paracentesis (abdominal tap) and there was first: 3.6 litres removed; then, 4.8 litres removed. It always came back, and we were told that it would.
        Her last visit with her oncologist: he recommended no further chemo, go with hospice. (He always said my Mom looked like his Aunt; so, she was sort of close to him, in that regard.) Mom chose this–much to my dismay. She’s been living with me in my home, since her first P.T. weeks in Jan. No, my Son is grown, married with a Son; my Husband died suddenly, many years ago. And, I am the only daughter. So, it was only right and natural that Mom live with me. (NEVER wanted her to be in a nursing home. Didn’t want her to, slip away when alone–I KNEW there would be TOO much alone time in a home; there was too much alone time when she had P.T.!) She would occasionally stay with one Brother and his family for a few days–respite for me.
        Made me so very sad when hospice came into our home to be Mom’s caregivers. Mom knew what would go on; as my Dad was in hospice also.
        Personally, I do NOT agree with hospice…do NOT believe people need to be drugged out of their consciousness. PERIOD. At this point, I HATE what they did to her. And, I don’t see the possibility of that changing.
        Mom was such a sweet Lady, beautiful–had the greatest smile in the world! And people knew her for her smiling face. Such a kind SPIRIT! And, the WORLD’S GREATEST COOK! HANDS DOWN!
        Watching her pass was very difficult. She hadn’t eaten for days. Drank very little. O2 was at 4. My Brother and I were here with her when she passed…
        tears never stop.
        I easily relate to your situation. I’m very sorry for your loss of your Mother, as well. And, I am not dealing at all. May ‘the LORD bless and keep you, make HIS FACE shine upon you, and give you PEACE’ ; and help you and your family.

      • Jess says:

        I am very sorry for your loss Barbara. Reading your post reminds me so much of my own situation. Like you, I was 41 when I lost my Mom on 9/14/12. It will be a year next week and I still am very much broken inside. My Mother battled kidney disease for over 25 years and finally suffered from renal failure. I also brought her home on hospice but there was a part of me didn’t want to believe that was the end. My Mother had always been a fighter. She was a great Mom to all of us and a great grandmother. When she was well enough between her treatments and episodes she helped raised ALL 8 grandchildren (between my two sisters and myself) cooked, cleaned and did many other things. She was also overly protected of me because I am a middle child and a divorcee. I’ve always had a strong bond with Her and of course being closer to Her I sure caused Her a lot of heartache and anguish. I am not sure how, when or how I would ever overcome this tremendous loss and grieve but everyday is a challenge since she’d been gone! I would give anything for just one more chance…another chance to say the things that should have said, the things I didn’t do and take back everything that I ever did wrong and to tell Her how much I love Her, always have been and always will be.

      • Judith Harvey says:

        I lost my precious mother to breast cancer and renal failure 8 months today. We were one and I feel like half of me is missing. She was my best friend, confidante. I was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2005. I was always with her. She became very ill in 2011 and had to be placed in Aged Care. The last 6 months of her life were horrendous. They are embedded in my mind. I miss our phone calls, the laughter, oh the laughter. I see her face. I think of her constantly. I don’t know how to live without her. It’s all too hard. I miss her more and more with each and every passing day. I’ve had to endure her birthday, mother’s day and my birthday. I used to laugh and smile all the time. Mum was so proud of me. Sometimes I feel as though I am losing my mind. My father died 18 years ago and I feel like an orphan. I miss you so much mum. I miss us. God Bless all of you who have lost the most pivotal person in your lives. Nobody loves us like our mothers. I knew losing her would be hard, but this is dragging me to my knees. jude

        • Renee Hiott says:

          God bless you, Jude. I know how you feel. I will keep you in my prayers.

        • Marie says:

          Judith,
          My Mother died on September 9th, 2013. She suffered for years with scleroderma, a horrible death. She died in my arms scared and fighting to breathe and in pain. I saw her death in my head everyday over and over for months. She moved in with me, my husband and son. She added her own place on to our home and it was a hard adjustment at first, me fighting for my independance wanting to be top dog, I think? It soon was a wonderful thing. My Mother was a tough women and worked so hard her whole life. She was a lover of animals, plants & people. She could do ANYTHING… and she did. She so wanted to have her place and start cooking, gardening, etc. but got ill soon after her addition was built. She survived the loss of my brother when he was 22… she was broken but was a wonderful mother to my sister & I. She died 32 years after my brothers death … I was 5o, now 51 when my mother died. I am still amazed at the grief I feel. I feel alone, forever changed. I could write for days about the wonderful person my mother was. I have such regret in the fact I don’t think I told her how wonderful she was enough. I want one more day with her….just one more :(

      • Renee Hiott says:

        I sat with my Mom as she took her last breath. It is something difficult to remember but also something I would not change for all the pain it brings. When my Grandmother died, my Mom was by her side. I promised my Mom I would be with her till the end. I kept that promise, but sometimes those last moments play over in my mind. It hurts so much not being able to sit with her, talk with her, watch tv with her, hear her voice, feel her hugs, etc.
        My Mom was my greatest supporter. She was the first person I shared any news with for over 41 years. I love and miss her everyday. I do feel empty at times, but I try to focus on my son. I always remember that I will see her again one day. She promised to be waiting for me on the other side. :)

      • Vee Jose says:

        In Oct 2012 as you lost your mom, mine was read her death sentence when an MRI revealed a large malignant tumour – a Grade 4 Glioblastoma – in her brain. She was 67 when she was diagnosed but like your mom looked a very young and attractive 50. She too lived a gut wrenchingly awful 10months, which for this tumour is quite long. Being a self employed surgical specialist I thankfully had the luxury of stopping work for 3 months and then working erratically thereafter to devote myself to taking care of her. We did everything … Surgery… Radiation … Chemo that the medical insurance wouldnt pay for…No matter how hard I tried, nothing I could do would save her … give her back her life – a life stolen from her … And from me. In the end she suffered a pulmonary embolism and battled for her life for 5 horrible weeks in ICU – An ICU I still have to walk past everyday and work in. She so wanted to live … for me. She didn’t want to have to leave me alone… I think she worried a lot about that… Mostly because she also left behind my severely autistic adult brother whom I now take care care of. She was my greatest and most loyal supporter, my best friend. We spoke nearly everyday and saw each other every week … We helped each other through absolutel everything. She would drop everything for me whether I needed her to do so or not… The most incredibly wise, brilliant, self-sufficient, strong woman I have ever known but also the most self-sacrificing mother and generous human being too. It’s now 3months since she passed… And the worst of the grief has sunk in only now. I feel crippled by how much I need her… How much I have actually lost and need back so desperately. I too am 40 … Not young as you say… An accomplished independent professional… But all I want is my mommy back.

        • Mary says:

          I had the same experience as you, but i believe that God will be there for our moms to be safe and comfort in his arms not to feel any pain n this so-called earthly life. I will never be a complete person again, but i do have faith that God will have his reasons for allowing things to happen. We may never understand His Wisdom, but we have to trust His will.

          • Lisa Bonchek Adams says:

            Not everyone believes in God or used religion to get through hard times so I think since we agnostics/atheists are the minority it is important to show that religion is not a “must” in coping. It is sometimes a wonderful source if comfort to those who believe, but it is certainly possible to be a realistic and strong person without it. We each find our own way. Best wishes.

  • Becky says:

    My mother passed away 2 years ago. It’s been difficult — she moved in with me when she was diagnosed with cancer so I could care for her. It strained a relationship that wasn’t quite ideal. I felt (and still do), as though I failed the task of taking care of her because she died, I felt (and still do), that we never quite got our relationship worked out as adults. My strange relationship with my mother has affected my relationship with other women. So many things to ponder and try not to take the blame on.
    Thank you, as always, for your words and your friendship.

  • Miguel says:

    What a wondrful post! I appreciate the time and thought that both of you give to sharing such meaningful insights.

  • rubybeets says:

    Just another excellent article you have written here! I lost my mom to pancreatic cancer a few years ago. I will always miss her. Sometimes we fail to realize how important mothers are until they are gone. Mine was superb!

  • Today is five months since my husband, James, died and I’m finding the grieving process to be difficult and fraught with mixed emotions on any given day. Other than the overwhelming absence of James, I grieve most for the life we had built and the future together for which we planned.

    My mother has battled depression her entire life, and we role reversed when I was 12, and my father died. I became the mother, and she became the daughter, roles we still play to this day. While she has always been incredibly difficult and distant, and her dementia only serves to underscore this, I know I will miss her when she dies. While we’ve never had a good mother/daughter relationship, I know I will miss her when she dies. She is the only family I have.

    XOXOXO,
    Brenda

  • Janny Byrnes says:

    I lost my Mother over a year ago to brain cancer. She had been sick for about 13 months before that with a varity of illnesses. When I was told she had a few weeks to a few months to live, I took a leave of absence from my career to care and be with her. Now over a year later I am still feeling the pain of her passing.

    Your blog is very helpful to know that I am not alone and that my feelings are “ok”. She was not only my Mom but my best friend and since her passing I have dealt with severe depression and anxiety. I write to her almost daily and carry her heart in my heart. There is a quote by Whoopie Goldberg who said “no one is ever going to love me like she did” and I find that to be so true.

    Thank you for your thoughtful insights into grief.

  • This is such a wonderful post. I agree whole heartedly, the grieving never ends. I also agree that the relationship does not end with death either. I lost my mom to breast cancer three years ago and the grieving evolves and changes, but doesn’t just stop. And I still have a connection to her, it’s just not a physical one any more. Society often expects us to put it all behind us, not talk about death and to just move on. This is part of the reason I decided to include grief and loss as part of my breast cancer blog. It’s such an under acknowledged topic. Thanks for this great post.

  • gigi says:

    hello… and I need some help please; we lost my beloved daughter in a tragic accident 5 yrs ago..; she left behind an estranged husband but more importantly 2 beautiful little girls, aged 3 & 5; we had lived together since the birth of the little one, and were very, very close. But after the loss, my son-in-law moved out w/ the girls; I see them weekly and at every opportunity I can at school. The older girl, now 10, has separation anxiety, & has internalized the loss, and has isolated her feelings: and the little one, now 8, has deep feelings of loss of mommy, and will have nightime crying episodes, so deep that her entire body trembles; I have a ‘mommy’ room, and we have Mommy’s pictures w/ the girls around; I tell them stories of how Mommy loved them & about her new life up in Heaven..; but I can’t find the words to comfort them, I don’t know what to say..:(:(:(; my former SIL would not let me take them to counseling & the school offers only ‘occasional’ classroom counselors; My SIL does not let me take them to church, & pretty much ‘controls’ their lives. Can you offer me some words of wisdom on how I can help them in their pain?? I am deeply grateful for your suggestions and prayers.. GiGi

  • tamisha johnson says:

    Hello..it’s been 27 days since the loss of my beautiful mother. I’m lost…I’m hurt..I’m so sad..Being 35 yrs old women and a mother, I thought i would be able to “maintain”..I can’t. I am…but i have no idea how. My mothers death was sudden. she wasn’t ill or anything. We had the Sophia-Dorathy (golden girls) relationship. i miss her..my son has lost his “nana” that he saw every morning. And now all he has is me. Weak motherless me. Pray for us.

    • Liz says:

      Hi Tamisha… I know exactly how you feel. I lost my mom….. my best friend, my companion, my teacher, my guide, my strong tower, on the 2nd of July this year. I myself am a mother of 5…it was totally unexpected and my world fell apart when my sister phoned me with the news. Everyday is a struggle for me..through the entire grieving process..I find myself in tiems of absolute anger…and days where I just cry…I have never felt so lonely… I am engaged to the most wonderful man on this planet…we are getting married on 22 Decemeber this year..and even though it is going to be the happiest day in my life, there is such a sadness in my heart… the picking up the phone to tell her about the arangements, the colours..or my dress…and then remembering again that she is no longer there. I have kept her ashes..they have a special place in our room…until I am ready to let them go… A week after my mom passed away, we were told that my hubby-to-be has severe heart failure. Even though they can’t give an absolute time period, the doctor’s words were “get into torder what needs to be in order. If you’re one of the lucky one, you will see it through the next year”… I so much needed her at that moment..to tell me what to say, what to think, how to deal with this coz she had been there before. The last 8 weeks have been the most challenging time I have ever experienced.. the last few days I battle with anger..only realised last night that it probably is part and parcel of the grieving process. My man is amazing..he tries so hard to support me, even though he himself has to deal with such a difficult issue… I have no idea how to deal with myself right now.. I feel like I’m losing the plot most of the time..but I try keep as strong as I possibly can for my kids’ sake.. and for my man.. he needs me so much now and yet I feel from time to time as if I am failing him now…

      I dunno if it is ever going to get better..they say time heals all things, but I am not convinced of that…

      After having read this article, I realised that it is o.k to feel angry, even though you have no idea why yuo are angry or what you need or want.. It’s o.k to cry… I talk to her so much… I stand before her ashes and ask her questions about life.. I wear her bangle day and night… I am also going to make her a part of my wedding ceremony.. I will light a candle for her..

      I really miss her… I really need her…

    • c says:

      In a sad way, I am so glad there is someone else who is close to the same age and feels the same way; I lost my mother 15 days ago and cannot get over needing her to be here in this mortal life even though I am 36 years old today. I am sad for my dad, they were the best of friends, married 42 years.

      • Anonymous says:

        I have a very similar situation. I am 34 & just lost my mother -kidney failure- ovarian cancer spread into kidney & also the treatments for ovarian cancer damaged the kidney. My mother & father were married 37 years. She told me to take care of my dad before she passed away. We were also best friends at this stage in our lives. I had a little boy almost 6 years ago. I am feeling lost without my mom. It has only been a few days since her death. I know this lonely feeling isn’t going anywhere anytime – ever. It is going to be a difficult journey. I wish all the people suffering comfort and peace.

        • Danna says:

          I also have a very similar situation. My Momma passed away January 15th,2013 and i cant get over it. My Momma was my best friend and myparents were married for 41 yrs. Momma had a rare muscle disease and she suffered for 9 days and for those 9 days I never left her side and i was holding her hands when she took her last breath. I am so lost. My Miricle son that will be 6 in a few days misses his mawmaw so much. Please tell me why i have anger and my sister is the strong one and she tells me not to cry. Im so tender hearted that im confused. I have an amazing husband but he wants to hold me and tells me to cry. I just want peace. I knew she was dying but I never thought I would feel so LOST without her even though i know she is better off. I ask again, tell me a book or a Dr. Or what to do. I miss her so much.

      • M says:

        Hi there. Just read your post and can relate. My mom passed away suddenly 3 was ago. She had not been ill, she just didn’t wake up one morning. The autopsy results showed nothing. I also am trying to be there for my Dad who is devastated. Please tell me how things are going for you now!

        • Patty Spade says:

          Losing our parents is so devestating however if I had to choose after living through my mama’s experience, I would rather she have passed quickly and painlessly. I watched her die very slowly and I can truely understand why some people will help their loved one with assisted death. I watched mom turn from a normal skin tone and color to just a pale waxy shell within hours. It will haunt me forever. Every day is a challange for me. My heart sometimes actually hurts from the grief.

    • Anonymous says:

      I know exactly how you feel I lost my mother August 30th 2012 and it’s just something I can’t recover from I try to move on like people say I should I just don’t know how to do it this is the hardest thing I have ever been through I need help as well

    • Rachel says:

      Hi Tamisha,
      I just read this blog for the 1st time today. I am also 35 and I lost my mom about 6 weeks ago, just this past Thanksgiving weekend. I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. My mother and I were so close, and although her death was slow (she was ill with an incurable cancer and the last month of her life was in the hospital, then hospice), it is still very hard. Moms are so precious, aren’t they? It is such a loss that I have never felt in my heart, and I cry when least expected. I am trying my best to move on, but it is so hard. My dad is so heartbroken, as well as my sister. I pray for you and everyone on this forum, that we find strength and peace during this very difficult time

    • Margie says:

      I understand how you feel
      My mom passed aweek ago

  • Stephanie says:

    This post is very touching… I recently (2 days ago…) lost my mother to brain cancer. Although expected losing her was like getting stabbed in the chest. Since i live far away i thought that coming back to my home would make it easier to start my grieving process… It feels like the opposite, i feel lost. Also, i am engaged and getting married in less than 6 months. My man is wonderful and tried to cheer me up but has never experienced such loss… Many people have sent me their condoleances but still, i have never felt so alone.

  • Rebecca says:

    Can’t sleep & found this post, thank you! It’s been 18 months since the loss of my mom & best friend. My only child is now 1y.o. & how I wish my mom could have witnessed this stage of my life. Although I enjoy being a wife & mom, I feel like a shadow of myself in so many ways. I miss my #1 fan, my mom. I felt that same way 11 yrs ago when my dad passed, but I feel unanchored in life now in a way I’ve never experienced. There are times still that my heart just aches. It’s comforting to know I’m not the only one that misses their mom greatly.

  • Tammye says:

    Reading these messages seem to touch me in all the ways I am feeling and have felt for almost the last 9 years. My mother was so many things to me best friend, someone that I respected, and found strength in. I can still see how brave and strong she was for me and my sister. My mothers death changed my life forever. I am very blessed because she brought me into this world and I was with her when she left this world. I know my mother will also be there to take me to meet my dear Lord when my time is done here. I also know that my daughter will have to travel the same path oneday. I must say it has all been worth every moment because I would rather known the love of my mother and had to physically lose her than to have never known her love at all. I feel the pain for anyone that loses that wonderful creature God gave us all…our Mothers.

  • Cheryl L says:

    I spent a week in March, April, and May with my mom as she took chemotherapy to try to stop her leukemia. I spent thw last 6 weeks of her life with her and held her hand as she drew her last breath. We gave her a memorial a few days ago. It was beautiful. She was selfless an a caregiver. Everybody there was very sorrowful. They were supportive, but for the first time ever, I felt all alone. I was the only girl, and the baby of the family. She and I were like best friends. Since she died, I feel distanced from my husband. He sees me cry, but doesnt offer emotional or physical support in the form of hugs. He ignores it. He and my parents didnt like eachother, and he was a little more supportive when my father died 3 years ago. I feel sad for my children who arent seeing or learning how to help someone who is grieving. I feel like I am lost. I feel like I have no anchor and nobody who loves me jyst because I am me…

    • Cheryl, my deepest condolences. I am sorry to hear that you do not have the support you need during your grieving process. Can you reach out to friends or a support group? Even online communities can help if you don’t want to go anywhere in person. A grief counselor would be a good place to start if you would rather talk one-on-one with someone. I urge you to find help and not become to isolated. Grief is something we do alone, I think, but we do need love and support from those around us. I hope you can find some.

    • Kimberlie says:

      Cheryl….I just lost my mom 9 days ago.I am 53 but feel like a ten year old. My mother was my life..I quit my job to care for her the last 4 years and she died very fast.I never saw it coming..She always got better but not this time. I have a sister who was not as close to our mom as I was and she just left me to grieve alone and is as happy as a dove already! I can not even stand to look at her. She does not get how empty I feel. I feel like I lost a organ. I pray this feeling can become not as painful. If I thought I had to feel like this the rest of my life I do not think I want the rest of my life. This is the most horrific thing to happen to me.I understand your loss and understand how horrible it is to have no support…Much love, Kimberlie

      • heidi says:

        Kimberlie, Your post hit home with me. I am 53 and feel like a child too. I left my job and cared for my mother for the last 2 and a half years. She had times of hospital stays and also got better at times. My sister was not there for mom and I. We were there for her when she went through her cancer. I feel empty and can’t stand to look at my sister also. I am so lost without her. I can’t get the last minutes of her life out of my head. Mom and I became so close and she trusted me with her life. All I could do is give her liquid morphine at the end. Seven days without food or water, she never woke up after her birthday on 12-20. She died on the 27th of Dec. Mass is the 19th which is this Sat. She did not want a funeral as this family does not do well when we are all together. I am so sad and blue…very hard to go through her belongings. We had the strenghth to care for our mothers…..hope we have strenghth to go on without them, Peace and love to you.

        • Tracy brown says:

          My momma died jan.21, 2013 at 130 in the afternoon. I was not expecting it. The hospice nurse had just been and said it would probable be a few more days. I was giving mom reiki my eyes were closed. In my minds eye I saw angels. Even then I did not expect her to die right then I just observed the I saw my momma’s body laying before the angels. I just watched in great peace came over me. I watched as God lovingly drew her life out of her body. It was clay colored My eyes still closed the nurse came in and said your mom is gone. For days I felt like the pain was too great to bear. I felt like a murderer as I had to make choices that myomere wanted. No feeding tubes. I considered killing myself. I kept dreaming about het. i screamed for her, Momma. i was in agony. A month later the pain has lessened a bit. I can sleep sometimes. I went to grocery store. Nothing could have prepared me for this soul agony. I honor you my beautiful mother my friend you are one of gods treasures. A life well lived.

          Get grief support. All hospices have services. May each day we live be an honor to our mothers. Loving. Tracy brown

        • Veronica says:

          Dearest Heidi,

          I think one of the worst emotions you can have is regret. You know you did all in your power to make the final stages of your mum’s life comfortable. Like you I feel my family did not do enough and were not there as support for us. It is a very lonely road but you will be rewarded in some way when you least expect it. It takes a lot of strength to care for someone, and when they are gone you just feel all your strength is gone, it will slowly come back in time. ” You have done a good job”, a simple statement like that can make a lot of difference. It is a pity it does not come from family but many people think it of you and that is the main thing. Veronica

      • Tammy Riise says:

        Kimberlie…

        My mom past away suddenly on December 23, 2012. I am 52 and I also feel like a child again. My mom had two heart surgeries, the latest one on February 29, 2012. Luckily, the hospital was just 5 minutes away so I could go back and from from work easily. My mom and I were together every weekend and we talked atleast 6 times a day and sometimes even more. I would call her on my way to work and on my way home. I have three brothers and they do not live in the same town as my mom and I. I think they have gone on with their lives to and I am still grieving. I feel like a part of me is missing. My mom rented her home and I can’t bring myself to move anything out. I never understood how horrific loosing my mom could be. I have apologized to my friends for not understanding their loss until now.

        Much love, Tammy

      • Sally Jo says:

        Hi Kimbelie, my heart goes out to you. My mom passed away 21 days ago. Like you, my mother was my life. I resigned from my job to care for her, she had vascular dementia. Like you mentioned about your mom, my mom always got better, each time… she was so strong and such a trooper – smiling her beautiful smile, always positive. …. but this time, the dementia… bit by bit.. shut down her internal organs .. and took its toll on her little fragile body. I feel so lost right now – with no husband, children or siblings. I do have a sister who, during my moms health decline – would send a check to help cover the expense of caregivers – but she was not at all involved with my mom or with me. She never responded when I contacted her so many times about crucial decisions that needed to be made regarding our mothers care. It was hurtful – and still is. My sister is happy and living life as she had been before. I do not want to have anything to do with her as she was not there to help – emotionally for me and for my mom when needed Also, now, she continues to choose to not communicate with me about anything, including the loss of our mom. Like you Kimberlie, if I thought I had to feel like this the rest of my life.. I do not think I would want to continue with the rest of my life. This truly is the greatest and most horrific pain to ever experience. I pray that peace will come upon us and that we will be able to come to know a new ‘purpose’ for our lives so that we can continue. Surely our mothers would want this for us. Though I am saddened that you too, have no support, it is comforting to know that we – along with others posting here – share that special bond of having been there for our mothers. Sending giant hugs,
        Love,
        Sally

      • Michelle says:

        Yes, that is just how I feel – without an organ. It is overwhelming and unbelievable. I keep going over things, why I didn’t do this, do that. It is just all too painful. Nothing seems to matter any more. I hope you find strength.

  • taran says:

    I am sitting at my mother’s death bed as I write this. I was blessed to care for her in my home for the last 2 years. Now, I am giving her morphine to comfort her at the end of her life. Although my pain right now is unbearable as I am with such a heavy heart, I will yearn for this day in the future since I will not be able to look at her beautiful face any longer.

    • Taran, your words have moved me to tears this morning. Thank you for sharing your story and your mother’s. She is fortunate to have such a loving daughter who is able to have perspective during such a difficult process. My heart goes out to you and your family.

  • Claudia V. says:

    I have been so moved and touched, as well as encouraged in reading these posts. My mother passed away October 9 2011. She was ill, and continued to live life. She knew her time on earth was short. My mother was hard on me growing up. I made choices in life that caused us not to have that close MOTHER-DAUGHTER bond. I left home early. I always yearned for her to be in my life. I prayed for that all the time. God answered my prayers in 2007 and we became close. The relationship I always wanted was happening. I am sad that we did not have enough time together, and I miss her dearly. It is very hard to deal with. I still have my father, and know one day he to will go home. ( I don’t think about that). I have been on Auto-Pilot since she left me. I have feelings of being an ‘orphan child’ even at the age of 35…….My relationship with my husband has changed. My children have said I am different,and so has my husband. I know I have changed, but I am trying to come back to being the wife and mom she would want me to be…..

  • Jirah R. Mangalindan says:

    my mom passed away last year because of breast cancer.And i cant seem to find a way to overcome the pain i am experiencing since she left us she’s the best mom she’s my bestfriend she is the only person that completes my life she is the only person who understands me..now i feel hopeless how i wish i still have her…i miss those times that i spend with her i miss the times that when i come home from school she’s waiting for me and chat with her.I really miss her..I’m just 19 too young to lose my mother.

    • Kathy says:

      Jirah, I am still devastated over the loss of my mom two years ago and I am 52…my heart goes out to you because you are so young. My advice would be to lean on aunts or a godmother. If you don’t have a god mother is there someone who could fill the role? If so, ask them. They will be so touched! I also urge you to plant a tree for your mom to honor her or doing something else for the same reason. Bereavement groups or counselors are great too. Google some close to you. Good luck and G-d bless you.

  • Anonymous says:

    I lost my wonderful mum just two weeks ago, so can relate to so many of the comments written here. I just couldn’t have imagined living a day without talking to her, or just sitting with her. I’m sad for everything that should have been. My mum was my best friend.

  • Anonymous says:

    I too am a motherless daughter. My mom died of ovarian cancer almost 2 years ago. It is devastating. I was 39, too young to loss this special person who just started to become my best friend. I am going to have a hysterectomy next week and I can’t tell you how much I long for her prescence. I know she’s still “with” me but its not the same. I long to she her face to feel her hugs to hear her say I love you… And life goes on as my heart is broken. Sorry that I am not the only one!

  • Carin says:

    Thank you for these beautiful words. I am 39 and I lost my mother at the end of August to ALS. We had a complicated relationship my whole life, but I was very close with her for a good part of it……..just the last few years were complex and tough. I’m struggling a lot with grief and trying to find ways to work through it in a healthy way, but it’s difficult when you have 2 children who also lost a treasured grandparent. There seems to be too much pain in my household sometimes and it’s easy to get overwhelmed. My friends mean well, but they don’t understand the depth of the grief I feel. I will never be the same woman I was 8 weeks ago. While I recognize that I can still be a wonderful woman, filled with purpose, love and passion…………I’m not her right now and won’t be fore awhile. It’s a process and I know that. I just want to encourage all of you who have lost someone. It’s ok to feel lost right now. Some people will not understand even though you explain how you’re feeling. A good friend said “it’s like being trapped inside a tiny box that has hundreds of layers of duct tape all around it. Everytime you peel away another layer of grief, there is another behind it”. She was right. It’s exactly like that. The good news is that there are holes poked into the box so we can breathe until we figure out a way to be ok again. Love and prayers to you all

    • blue lady says:

      hello Carin, absolutely love your letter, i lost my mum to depression 6 months ago now.. I am feeling so gloomy about the whole deal, i found my mum & had to call for an ambulance the last half hour of her life was traumatic & chaotic. I’m still struggling to know what to do with this kind of grief,, but just reading through peoples blogs yours struck a cord for me “the Duck tape box” ive been using art to write out my grief words & issues with feelings.. Write out the words with Brite coloured pens onto really beautiful paper then use origami technique to fold paper into different shapes mine was a star,, after reading your post it improved my outlook instead of uncontrollable grieve, I am excited to pen out some of my regrets n painful memories put it all in a handmade box & put a hundred rounds of duck tape the ‘”fix it” for everything.
      this may just help in the process of letting go. i really love my mum i want to make peace with my grief now . lots of love to all b

    • Roshnee Verma says:

      Hi Carin
      I lost my mom October 9, 2012 to the same gruesome disease ALS. She died exactly
      10 months after diagnosis…she was an active strong lady that walked 5 miles a day…she was 63. My mom was my everything….she was my best friend. I’m totally lost without her. I love your duct tape analogy…it’s so true!! Love and strength to all.
      Roshnee

    • Maria Roma says:

      Dear Carin, I feel more or less the same. I lost my mother only twenty days ago and when I try to picture my future without grief I can’t maybe because it still feel so raw. I know it will take a long time but I just want reassurance that although I will be a different woman I can still live a full and happy life. I’m taking it one day at the time.
      All the best.

  • arielle33 says:

    I have found this blog and the comments on it to be so encouraging in the last five months since my Mother passed away. She died of COPD, a form of lung disease, as well as complications from a stroke she suffered when I was 12; I was 26 when she passed, on Mother’s Day this year.

    Since she had a stroke 14 years ago, I had been aware of the fragility of life, and especially my Mom’s life. She has been in and out of the hospital for the last six years, suffering heart attacks, seizures and COPD attacks. Each time I was afraid she would pass, and was relieved and grateful when she didn’t. Because of this, I treasured my time with her, and had the opportunity to have the “important” conversations with her that I wanted, and needed. In a way, my prayers were answered when she did pass, as she had spent Mother’s Day weekend with my sisters, my nieces and I, full of joy and laughter, and passed painlessly, with dignity, after the weekend ended. I flew across the country on a whim, thinking that it might be one of my last Mother’s Days with her. I’m so glad I did, and I thank and praise God for blessing me with this gift.

    I miss her in waves, now that more time has passed. I long for her to hold me, like when I was a little girl. I miss hearing her voice. I am sad at work, and don’t know why. I am fuzzy-headed at times, and irritable with my loved ones, mad at myself for not being kinder. And then I remember why; that this isn’t how I usually am, this isn’t the normal “me”. This is me grieving the loss of the person who most shaped my development, my spirituality, my understanding of self. And when I remember that, I am easier on myself, I breathe in, I say a little prayer, and sometimes, I swear I can feel her grace, her blessing, beside me.

  • Elaine says:

    I lost my mother two years ago to liver cancer I was only twenty now twenty three. I miss her so much. I feel really sad a lot thinking about how she isn’t here to see me really grow up into the woman she raised me to be. I know shed be so proud it kills me inside knowing that I will feel this pain forever. The one thing I am grateful for though is that I got to be with her holding her hand while she took her last breath. She was so kind and thoughtful always wanted to make sure everyone was happy . She truly was and will.be forever the most amazing person I ever knew. I miss her voice I miss her sarcastic jokes that only she would come up with. I miss the way she smelled. I miss everything and I wish more than ever that she was here with me. She will always be in my heart. Sometimes I talk out loud when I’m alone ans pretend that she hears me. Sometimes I dream about her ans those dreams are so nice

  • Anonymous says:

    I just lost my wonderful loving best friend in the world – my mom. She was 89 years old and up until 88 she was independent and lived on her own. I would go to her home on weekends and we would get our nails done, go thru catalogs, read trash magazines, watch movies and have dinner together. I loved her so and she loved me. This past year and a half was very hard on her – giving up her independence and in and out of hospitals. She always told me to “pull myself together” as I am a very emotional person and she always worried about me if anything happened to her. I am heartbroken but I do what I believe she would want and go on – go to work, try and find the fun of life and laugh because she loved to laugh and I loved to make her laugh. I will miss her warm hands of comfort and her consoling pats on my back and her wonderful advice – but mostly I will miss her being in my life everyday close by. She is with me in my heart always and I will have to accept that at least i have that. I love you mom more than words can ever say.

    • Henry says:

      So very sorry…your Mom passed the day we had my Mom’s Memorial Service. My Mom passed December 14th on her 85th Birthday..I too took care of her..and was there the night she went to Heaven…My Dad is very lost..I guess I keep it together for him..64 years of a wonderful, love filled marriage..I miss her so much…it does not seem real..she faded really fast after 6 hospital visits..that was hard to take…Yes, forever in our hearts…….Angles on your Pillow Mommy…

  • beth says:

    I lost my mother 2 years ago, very suddenly and unexpectedly as well. I too have only 1 sister who lives interstate and life for her has just moved on. she said to me “we all die one day youknow” hardly comforting. I care full time for my father now as well as my young family 7,10,and 13 yrs. I too feel empty and very alone even though I recognise my family love and care for me very much. My mother understood me. There will never be another like her and I still wake up each day and feel I am in a nightmare. Time I fear will not heal me, just somehow I will learn to love with this emptiness. I am gratful that I spent alot of time with my mother and despite our arguments we always told each other how much we loved and cared for eachother. I am happy to read my feelings are similiar to others.

  • Anonymous says:

    My mother passed in August 2012. The fog is starting to lift but it is still a raw wound. I know what it is like to have siblings return to normal so quickly. Grief is so individual and difficult to understand when others grief so differently than you . I pray that we all find a glimmer of peace this holiday season and find comfort in our beautiful memories.

  • Elisabetta says:

    I lost my mum when I was 13 after a 3-year battle with cancer.The word Cancer was never spoken in my house because my relatives thought it would have been easier on her. One day, I found my mum,s blood test, and as I couldn’t understand the meaning of them, I found out she had a malignant cancer. I started to cry and she hugged me saying everything would had been fine. Losing a mum at the difficult age has been a huge tragedy. My dad raised 4 children doing a great job.I am 35 and a few weeks ago I went to see a psychologist as I realised I never been attached to anybody. I ended up a relationship with a guy I was deeply in love, but with a bossy mum. A proper bored Italian mum. I tried to be myself, but she and him put me down.
    I needed to see a physologist, and I am glad I did. Talking about that awful pain made me feel lighter and full of love for myself. I felt love for myself.
    Mum are the oaks of the families, and the lights of our hearts. Thank you all. Elisabetta

  • Cheryl says:

    Ive just lost my mum on the 21st december, i am beyond devestated. She had copd but never told us how bad it was, she didnt want to worry us she was a very proud woman. She passed away in her sleep next to dad and so i never got to say goodbye, im devestated. I feel totally lost she was my best friend, no 1 supporter, my mum and who was my no1 person in my world. I am lost and destroyed, i dont think i can carry on without her, my 2yr old son is my ray of light to us all especially to dad. my son keeps laughing on his own and i know if she could that would be mum making him laugh, today he was in the hall on his own and said “miss you nan” my heart broke, its only been 5 days…the pain is physical pain i am so lost without my mum. I would love to talk to someone who understands the pain.

  • I just lost my mom december first,after taking care of her for three yrs,im in a daze,im so glad to read the feelings of others,i already got a suck it up,i just need to hear real feelings from people who been thru it,so thank u for sharing. says:

    I just lost my mom december first,after taking care of her for three yrs,im in a daze,im so glad to read the feelings of others,i already got a suck it up,i just need to hear real feelings from people who been thru it,so thank u for sharing.

    • cheryl says:

      I know exactly how you feel Olivia, I feel exactly the same, its all the little things im finding hard, like with my young son, if im not sure of something, it would be my mum who i would call for advice, or looking out to the garden and seeing mum there laughing in the summer at our bbqs etc….its hard.

      I still want to pick up the phone to her and its been 7 days, its killing me. Christmas day was awful, opening up her presents she had left us all, we knew she would have wanted us to be happy as she made xmas amazing every year for us all. She had bought all these silly funny presents for the dinner table as she would do every year, we were all in tears opening them at dinner. My heart kept breaking and breaking while putting on a strong front for our dad. I took our xmas tree down today as couldnt face looking at it anymore, I found a card from mum last christmas in the tree box, saying how much she loved me, and a card to my son calling him”my little suger plum” mums nickname for me when I was a little and now it was her nickname for my son, i just broke down completly. Its hard to imagine ever enjoying another day, let alone another xmas.
      I went to see mum yesterday, mums funeral isnt until the 9th Jan due to the holidays. I just sat with her and held her hand yesterday and stroked her hair and sobbed like i have never sobbed before, I feel comfort seeing and being with her but then I dont want to leave her there its heartbreaking. i saw and spoke to my mum every day I dont think i can do this without her, I need her more now that I have ever needed her I miss her so so much.
      Im a mess, my partner is finding it hard as one minute i am holding it together and then next I am sobbing my heart out. I am so so lost without my best friend, Mum.

      • taran says:

        Cheryl and Olivia, I am so sorry for your loss. Being the caregiver for your mom complicates the loss. Other family members don’t always understand that. I lost my mom this past August after caring for her for over two years. I thought things were getting a little better until the holidays hit. The wound became raw again and the pain became unbearable. Most people don’t understand it.

        I know that we all grieve differently, but many are very insensitive to the fact that others are barely functioning after their mom’s death. I am divorced with no kids so my house is empty now that my mom is gone. My siblings all have families so they were busy preparing for the holidays. I remain stoic around them because they don’t understand. I know it will get better with time but it dosn’t provide me solice since I am usually in tears by 10am every morning. I know that she would want me to live life to the fullist but it is hard.

      • sadie says:

        hi, im so sorry for your loss. my mum died unexpectedly christmas day. i held her hand as she took her last breath in intensive care. im 20 years old and findin it so difficult to cope. i also had to open my mums presents when i returned home as well as my own knowing i could never thank her for them. im not sure how i can ever celebrate christmas again. i had to sort her draws and wardrobe out yesterday and now im a mess. would be nice to talk sometime.

        • Cheryl says:

          Hi all i joined motherless daughters on facebook, about 3000 members, im cheryl rose on there for the girl who lost her mum also at xmas would love to chat x x

        • Cheryl says:

          I joined motherless daughter anout 3000 members. Im cheryl rose x would love to chat to the lady who lost her mum at xmas too x x

  • Olivia says:

    I lost my mom early Christmas morning this year after her year-long battle with lung cancer. We knew she was terminal and in many ways I’m grateful that we anticipated the end so she could help get her affairs in order and we could talk and reminisce. I’m an only child, at 35 and a mother to my young 4 year old daughter who treated my mom like her second mom. Watching her loss has been hard.
    In the last month of moms life, as the cancer just destroyed so much of her body and energy, I took some solace in knowing she’d be at peace and knowing it was coming rather than a surprise. I thought I’d gotten a jump on some of the grieving (the terrible anger and sadness upon her diagnosis last year) … Nothing can prepare you for how lost and alone you will feel. I found a special box she’d left for my daughter filled with little trinkets they’d enjoyed together and handwritten notes of advice for her about love and life and joy and sorrow. It was the first time since she’d passed that I had the urge to talk to her and realized she wasn’t there.
    Later I came across a photo of me as a baby tucked in her box of jewelry … No note just my name and Xmas 1977 written on the back. I realized there was no one left to remember me at that age, at all the ages my daughter will be. I feel like my personal historian is gone, that the only person on earth who loved me for me is gone.
    I love my daughter deeply but it’s weird to only be on this side of the equation – loving her unconditionally and wanting to teach, guide and protect her, and not having my mom left to do that for me. She’s the only person who cheered my accomplishments large or small or had faith I could do what I set my mind to and the pride in me doing it.
    I’m just lost without her. I promised her I’d still laugh and celebrate and not let my grief stand in my way of living my life but now I’m realizing that it will always be with me. I can’t imagine not feeling her loss deeply, as she has taken much of my sense of identity with her.

    • Joan says:

      Hello Olivia, I am so sorry for what you’re going through. I’m absolutely in a daze of pain and loneliness right now, as I’m going through something very similar. My mom also passed from lung cancer, the morning after your mom did. It was just 55 minutes after Christmas. She’d been diagnosed last July, and I took care of her (and my sister helped toward the end as well.) I did receive the huge gift of being able to tell her to cross over to the light, and she did exactly what I asked…her last breath was the period at the end of my sentence. It was amazing. That said, I miss her even more than I thought I would. She was/is an amazing person who loved me so deeply. It just doesn’t seem real in a way. My twin daughters (almost 11) and husband are so supportive, but I can’t stop crying. My mom’s memorial service is day after tomorrow (Wed the 2nd) and I don’t know how I’m going to get through it. I think we just have to remember that we WILL be with our moms again, and I think the experience I had with my mom’s passing reinforces that. Are you going to see a grief counselor? I hope you are doing a tiny bit better. -Joan

    • T says:

      I too lost my beautiful mom to lung cancer. She fought the demon for 2 years, 5 months and took her final breath on Nov. 13, 2012 at the young age of 60. I’ve never known pain like I do now. At the age of 37, I’ve lost my mom, best friend, kids’ favorite grandparent, my medical expert, my confidant, my link to my past, etc. She was so many facets in my life and in a blink of an eye — she’s gone. It’s been 10 weeks and I’m still in total disbelief…like maybe she’s just on vacation and will return soon.

      • Joan says:

        Hello T,
        I’m in a similar situation, having lost my mom the morning after Christmas (see above post). My mom lived a little longer than yours, to age 78 (I’m 48) but she passed way, way, way too soon. My daughters are 11. It seems like a bad dream…I would give a million dollars just to talk with her on the phone and it doesn’t seem possible that I can’t. I understand the vacation feeling! -Joan

      • Sheri says:

        T: My mom passed away August 6,2013 from lung cancer also. The cancer came back quickly, as she spent only 5 days in the hospital. She had just turned 60. We were told she had 48 hours to live, and they were right. It was the hardest thing to see, and I feel it is all a big dream. I use to call her all the time, and I really miss that. I feel lost, and not sure what to do. I am 43 , and lost my dad to cancer 6 years ago, he was 63. I went back to work, but find it tough! I am glad I found this website, at least I know others feel the same way. My heart feels like a piece is missing….miss my mom, miss talking to her, miss everything about her !

  • amanda says:

    My mom passed in nov of 2005 she was a drug counsoler an a patient murdered her i was 17 years old an i have two older sibilings. 3 months after my mother passed my sister an i both got pregnant an gave birth to 2 beautiful girls! Time does not heal an i miss her every day but her memory lives in our hearts every day! Stay strong ladies!

  • victoria says:

    hi..my dearly loved mum died on the 10 th of november 2012..she was only 58.i cannot put into words how much i miss her..feel like nothing will ever be the same again..how can it be when you lose your mum..your best friend…i am finding it very difficult to be around people as i find them so irritating….and am ashamed to say wishing that they were feeling the pain i am..no one understands unless its happened to them and wish these people would stop trying to give me advice…i cannot see time changing anything..or ever wanting to feel like smiling ever again.just feel trapped under a very dark cloud.all i want to do is think about mum.xx

    • Cheryl says:

      I would love to properly chat to people going through the same pain right now, cherylcampbell32@yahoo.co. Uk unless someone has gone through losing their mum no one really understands could anyone ever imagine this pain? X

    • Anonymous says:

      I completely understand! My mom passed away Nov. 13, 2012 at the age of 60. I feel so lost in this new world. Not having a mom is unimaginable!

      • T says:

        My mom passed away at the same age & on the same date as yours!! It is unimaginable! I still can’t believe I’m motherless at 37 years old with my two kids who now don’t have their favorite grandparent/cheerleader.

  • Ranj says:

    I lost my darling mum 22 years ago. i was 20 filled with high spirits and life. All changed. Lost my dad 3 years later. With no family, no siblings uncles or aunts I found life hard. Got married, 2 beautiful children, divorced. i was working for 18 years but was made redundant. Now all i have is time. Alone time. To go within and try to heal this big void in my aching heart. Very hard. Thank you all for your posts & rest in peace all you lovely mums. I always felt alone. My b/f doesn’t understand my pain. How could he, he’s not a daughter. Miss my mum, the sad thing is i’m forgetting her more than I’m remembering her.I don’t think one can ever get over losing their mums. In the society we live in we are only reminded of what we have lost. I’m 42 this year and it seems all these years i have been empty, angry, vulnerable & sad. But i look forward to being with her again one beautiful day.

    • Lyn says:

      I am reading these posts but for me it is a Grandmother. She was, however, like a mother to me. I was interested to read your post in particular as it was 22 years ago you lost your dear Mum and you have not got over it. For me, it was 34 years ago. Why do people say time heals? For me nothing has changed in 34 years. Also You say “all changed”. You are quite right. I changed. I too got married, had 2 children, got divorced. Also, like you, nobody understands my pain and how it can go on. But a part of me died. I still feel quite empty even though I have a grandchild now. My sadness goes to my core. You will be with your Mum again one day, I am sure of it. I am trying to do some things in this life to make my Grandmother’s life meaningful. I am very sympathetic to older people, more than before. I am kinder, more understanding. I am going to sell some of her things and give it to a mental health charity as she suffered from depression. Just small things but they do help. I intend planting trees in her memory so that life goes on. She is still in my heart as your Mum is in yours. I understand completely how you feel and hope this helps.

    • Ranj

      You’re post made me teary I felt some strong similar connections to you’re post .. I too am feeling angry lost and lonely I lost my mum 6months ago to cervical cancer she was 39 didn’t see her 40th After being diagnosed at 36 and it returning one long year with the f**** disease . I am sorry for you’re pain and too feel it .. I get angry looking at pictures of her when she was sick its taken over the image I had of her before cancer took its hold ..

  • Never says:

    “You grieve the relationship you lost and the one you had yet to build. The relationship was truncated, and that cannot be fully appreciated by someone who has not “experienced it.”” Goodness how is it that these words are what I feel today. I lost my mom almost 1 month ago…feels like it just happened today all over again…and not left alone to just grieve my way. I have and continue to be strong for everyone. Believe me no one can understand how I’m “holding up”. I say it’s my mother’s strenght. But I just want to be left alone to grieve my way. Even in this I am not free.

    • Jen Busby says:

      I empathize completely. My mom died Feb 19, and I feel like I’ve been going non-stop, and taking care of everyone and everything else while trying to stay on top of my studies….when do I get to grieve? They say it’s necessary, and I get the merits….but I just can’t find the time.

    • Parna says:

      I lost my dearest mom ” mamma” four and half years ago …my daughter was only two months old then. It was as if destiny had either mom or my daughter in my life. Not both together. How I wish I had both of them with me today. I miss mom every day of my life…but somehow I feel her soul is there to comfort me and help me…I always feel she is around me telling me silently what I should do to be a good wife, mom, daughter, sister, employee, a good person above all.
      I cry like a baby at times when I recall her words, even now I reach out to give her a call only to realise I do not have her phone number in heaven! My only prayer to god is that her soul rests in peace and I be united with her after death. I miss her so much….
      Reading all your stories I realise how much my daughter will miss me if I go away from her….she sees me crying everyday and comes by to hug me knowing I am missing her granny.
      it is important for all moms to take care of their health and see that they get to spend many many wonderful years with their daughters and grand-daughters.

  • Mother Delta says:

    Great insight into how daughters can relate to death of beloved mothers. My mom is still alive and though am married, at times I wonder what it could be without her. I only pray that she remains strong, healthier and leave longer. The truth is, no matter when death cones, it can be devastating. Only, the Grace of God and accepting Jesus Christ as our Lord and saviour can sustain us from heightened sorrow. I must say I have been enriched by this page. I just visited for the first time and am really blessed. I just shared it on our new Facebook page “Mother Delta Project”

  • Gigs' girl. says:

    I feel so empty inside. I don’t know how to cope with the loss of my precious mom. She was my best friend. I’m 37 yrs old and she had just turned 70. My two sons and I have always lived with her and its so hard to walk inside that door and she not be there waiting for us. She was in perfect health until end of September. She was so independent. She loved life, was full of energy and loved us so much. We did everything together. She was diagnosed with lung cancer early October and died December 20. It’s been three weeks today and I’m still in shock. I had just accepted a new job in July so I couldn’t take a leave of absence to be with her, although I missed as many days as possible to be with her from September thru December. The 3 days before her death I didn’t leave her side but momentarily. I feel so guilty for not quitting my job to be with her 24/7 for those three months, but I need my job. I can’t bear the pain and desire of just wanting to talk to her, hear her, enjoy her. I miss her so much.

  • Jen Busby says:

    I have not yet lost my mom, but will be soon and am looking for advice. I am a 31 year old mother of two. My mother is only 53, and has stage IV lung cancer with bone mets. We had some rough years in the teens and early twenties, but we have a close relationship. She has always talked to me and shared with me. I am the only one who knows all of her dark secrets. However, since her diagnosis last month, she doesn’t talk to me as much. I was there with her when she got her diagnosis and for the two weeks after. But the moment I left (two weeks ago), she deteriorated rapidly. She now can’t get out of bed and sleeps most of the day.
    I want to be there to care for her, share with her and comfort her. She has a hard time with that, having been an oncology nurse for 30 years. She can’t allow herself to become the recipient (at least not from me). She insists the reason that she doesn’t want me there is because I’m 10.5 months away from finishing graduate school. She wants me to stay focused and graduate on time in case she lives long enough to make it. I try to explain to her that it doesn’t matter if I’m in NY at school or in Florida with her….focus is impossible.
    This is all so sudden and I don’t know how to manage. I can’t afford to fly back and forth often…or really at all. I have a 12 year old and 3 year old to take care of too. I can’t take a lot of time off school, just long weekends….I want to be there, but she doesn’t want me there. I think it’s really because she doesn’t want me to see her like that. But I want to have every moment I can with her. How do I balance my needs with her wishes? Any advice from those who have gone through this loss is welcome, and feel free to email me and connect. Referrals to appropriate support networks are also welcome. Like I said, this is a pretty new diagnosis, and I’m still in shock. She’s so young, and I wasn’t ready for this yet. my email is jindaley@yahoo.com
    Love and support to all of you. Thank you for sharing your stories. I fear my mother won’t survive to December, and my graduation is likely to be a very sad day despite the accomplishment.

    • Jen Busby says:

      Update: I no longer need answers to these questions, as my mom passed on Feb 19th, just two months after diagnosis. I thank those who emailed me directly, and I apologize for not returning your emails. It all happened so fast, and I found myself flying back and forth, trying to balance taking care of her and my kids in two locations.I’m thankful I got the time with her I did, but she plummeted so fast that there really were no good times. Her pain was out of control, and it was a blessing she went so fast. Love to all of you who have shared. We will all get through this

  • chris tanner says:

    I lost my mum 3 & half yrs ago. I ended up looking on here tonight because I burst into tears tonight I miss her so much I’m 48 and and like others on here I just need my mum.
    my mum struggled with mental health issues while growing up I would go in and out of childrens homes. we had good and bad times when I got married and had my children we got closer. then I moved to france with my husband & 2 children we visited her in the feb 2009 and she was planning to visit us in the august. but never made it she died on june 3rd 2009 it was such a sock and I feel so guilty for moving here.now my children have turned into teenagers and don’t understand me like I did’ent understand my mum all those yrs ago. what I would give to have her back and tell her she was a good mum she did her best and she did care miss you mum xx thankyou for this sight and my heart goes out to you all x

  • Camille Fraga says:

    I lost my mom on April 7 2012. My mom ment the world to me . She was all my two brothers and I had our father past away in 1983. So she was all we had she past way of stomach cancer . It was very hard for us to find out that she only had two months to six months to live when I found out I took a leave from work to take care of her it was the best thing I ever did was taking care of her and I know I did the right thing because now my little boy tells me if I ever get sick like his grandma he will take care of me like I did my mom and he’s only eight. I’m happy I found this to talk to people that are going through the samething I am. Thank you very much

    • Camille Fraga says:

      They say as time goes by it gets better. But how and when does it start. My mom was everything to me best friends the one person I could go to to get whatever I needed to get off my mind I go back in my mind and think of what I could have done more of to take care of her. But there was nothing I could do not once did she ask why her. She would say just pray for me. And it is in Gods hands I just don’t understand all of this To watch ur mom the one that gave me life took care of me when I was sick there when my kids were born there for me when I needed her And then just to watch her slip away slowly in pain and nothing I could do To watch her take her last breath Why she is looking you in your eyes was the hardest thing to do And now what do I do my best friend is gone That one person in life that would make everything fine for me is now gone. It’s just hard for me to understand all of this. If some one understands more then me please tell me how to understand. I hate cancer that’s what took her stomach cancer. She was the best lady ever I love you mom

      • Freda says:

        Ms. Fraga, I have empathy for you. Your pain, my heart because I also lost my mother to cancer. Nothing made any sense, no religious views helped especially not being told “God needed another little angel” because I knew God wouldn’t do something like that. If that’s what you need to cling to, I certainly do not want to hurt or stumble you, however, if you want a firm solid hope read on. The Bible, or the Holy Scriptures hold out a tremendous hope that lifts this burden off of our shoulders. In it we learn that “the dead are conscious of nothing at all.” This helps because it show us that our mothers are no longer in pain, and instead they are experiencing what Jesus Christ described as a “deep sleep-like state.” The Bible also tells us that there will come a time, very soon in fact, that the dead ones will be resurrected to perfect life here on the Earth where we can also look forward to being. Their health will be restored and they will live in an Earthly Paradise. You are right, it IS in God’s hands. He will remember your mother and resurect her just how you remember her at her prime. I’ve been coping with my mother’s death for over a decade and this is what has brought me peace. My mom used to say that “it isn’t time that heals all wounds, but what you do with that time.” She was right. By looking to the Bible, or Holy Scriptures, it has revived the hope within me that I would be able to see my mother again. This book truly is a letter from a loving father, that father being God. A book that helps bring these core teachings to light is called “What Doea The Bible Really Teach” which you can get on JW.org under the “publications” tab. Either downloading it to your computer or requesting a free print copy for yourself. You can also request more information on this wonderful hope for the future while at that website. I hope this lightens your load at least a little even though no human can truly make it all go away.
        Sincerely,
        Another Grieving Girl

  • Anonymous says:

    I lost my mum 4 yrs ago feb she was diagnosed with lung cancer and it was so quick I still can’t beleive it she was 67 and was my best friend in all the world . I am 40 this year and I have a fantastic partner and 2 beautiful children aged 2 + 1 , and my dad and 2 sisters are so close we talk about her all the time , but sometimes I just feel so alone and scared because I miss her terribly but I find I can’t think to deeply about her last few days because I couldn’t handle the pain in which u bury deep inside u , it’s like a protection barrier we have and need inside us all .I think about the good times every day and all the laughs we had and I even still spk to her now and know what her reply would be and what she would be laughing at ,mum is still with me in spirit I know she still looks after and always will my guardian angel who guides me , my love goes out to you all be strong and safe for yourself and those deerest to you x

  • Caitlin says:

    I lost my mother exactly one year ago today to cancer. I was 24. She was the strongest person I knew even through two+ years of chemo coupled with diabetes. I’m missing her more than ever today.

  • Each and every day it seems at least one person adds a story of love and loss to this post. I haven’t wanted to intrude on the thread but I want to say to all of you how much I appreciate the way you loved your moms, the way you shared your voices here to honor them. I hope that someday my daughter (and my sons as well) will honor me the way that you honor your mothers.

  • Pam says:

    My mom died September 10 2012 very suddenly. I am a 41 year old mother of one myself and I still feel lost at times. She was my best friend and I miss her every day

  • T says:

    There are so many of us who are experiencing the same pain of missing our moms. I wish so badly this group of people could unite in some fashion (Facebook private group???) to help support and rally each other through this valley. Though I consider myself very blessed by wonderful friends, I’m struggling with connecting/relating to my friends, as I’ve changed, I’m no longer the same. Very few, if any of them can genuinely relate. I’m not being insensitive by saying this, but it’s entirely different between losing your mom vs. a cousin, brother-in-law, etc. I understand grief is grief and can’t be compared, but I just want to know I’m not alone in this new found motherless club. A club in which I desperately wished I never joined. I nominate “Joan” as creating a fb group. :) Clearly I don’t know you, but you seem to have a huge heart by reaching out to people…I’m thankful for that and thank you for your reply to my earlier message! We need to somehow be able to privately send our email to the fb group adminstrator who creates the page, then that person could add us to the fb page by looking up our address and adding us to the group? I don’t even know if that’s how fb groups work, just an idea. I’d try to do it, but right now I’m up with a sick kid and have appts. for her tomorrow. I don’t want my email on this public page as it has my name as my email address. Hmmm, any other ideas on how we can do this and stay private until we enter a closed group? Thanks and love to all.

  • There is no greater love than the love a child holds their mother… Its 1:00 am I dont sleep much at night is when I get time to myself, My mother died in a car accident when I was 4 and my grandmother and family never talked about her my dad was the only one and I have limited contact with him I wish I had more stories to share with my kids I am glad I came across this site, for all of you grieving the loss of you mothers our not alone it gets tolarable but the hurt and pain of loss remains I have never gotten over her death and never will. I was filled with doubt that she may have not loved me cause she worked and went to school but when I had my daughter and I held her I knew right then she loved me I am so thankful for my little girl She helped to fill a void in my heart. I think of my mother daily when my little girl does things I wish I could share with her. I wonder if any of you still talk to your mother It may sound silly but it seems like shes always been gone so I talk to her and write her letters, Its my way of coping I guess. I dream of her every now and then. im sure someone understands, l will always love my mom.

  • T says:

    I found a fb group called “Motherless Daughters.” There are several groups that have similar names, but the one I joined has 4,500+ members. Such a hard thing to read, yet comforting to know we’re not alone in missing our moms!

    • Joan says:

      I think I’ll check it out, too….thank you for the suggestion, T. It is nice to know we’re not alone in how we feel, and I think it helps to reach out…even if it’s through FB messages.

  • Robin Cox says:

    I lost my beautiful mother on July-28-2012. She was only 71. She lived a model life; never drank, smoke, ate a healthy diet, and walked everyday. She had a lung condition called Pulmonary Fibrosis. We had never heard of this illness until she was contracted it 6 years ago. It was basically a death sentance. Every doctor we saw said there was no effective med and a lung transplant was our only option- and that was not 100%. They gave her 3 years and she lived 6. We never gave up hope-the last year of life she was in and out the hospital and was on oxygen 24/7. I was watching her waist away before my eyes. I still keep thinking she would be the exception, and beat this illness.
    I loved my Mom more than words can express. She really was my best-friend. I shared everything with her. I have 3 brothers-one who battles a drug problem-my Mom never gave up hope for him. I took care of my Mother till the end. I held hand as she made her journey to the next life. I thought watching her take her last breath would comfort me- as I am a devout Catholic and thought I would feel the holy spirit- this was so not true. She gasped for breath and I could hear her drowing in her own fluids. There was nothing peaceful or beautiful about it. I have tried to erase this horrible image from mind, but it haunts me to this day. I could leave to die alone. She brought me into this world and would not leave her leave this world alone. I can’t seem to move forward- I try to put on strong front for my teenage son and my poor Dad. My Dad has suffered two heart attacks in the past 5 months and has moved in with me. He no longer drives because of vision problems from diabetic problems- and I am just overwhelmed, I feel I can never be fully happy again.. I miss her so much. I have dreamed of her and wake missing her so much. Beth are you on facebook.?
    I need so much help!!!

    • Joan says:

      Hi Robin…I just re-read your post tonight because I’m really missing my mom who passed Dec. 26th from lung cancer. Sometimes I visit this blog. How are you doing? Are you feeling slightly better? -Joan

    • jill moscato says:

      My mom just passed away last week at 93 with pulmonary fibrosis. I knew this was a debilitating disease but I never put it together that she would only have 2 years left. I called her every day and visited her at home or in the hospital all the time. Yet I feel that I wasn;t there for her as I had to still go to work. this pain is like nothing I ever imagined. I am so happy she is gone in that there is no more suffering but I can’t believe the size of the hole in my hearts. How are you getting through all this.

    • Regina says:

      I just lost my mother to Pulmonary Fibrosis January 9th. She was also lived a model life. She was just 71 and lived with the disease for 5 years. It was tough seeing her suffer during her last few months, but I’m glad she’s at peace now. My father is 80 and not in the best of health, so I know his day is coming soon. It sounds like we are sharing similar experiences. In honor of our mother, hang in there and be strong.

  • Jaylyn Carty says:

    Even though no one knows how we feel its still nice to know someone is out there suffering from all of this stress and pain of losing your mother

  • Josh says:

    My live-in girlfreind, 25, just lost her Mom this past Sunday 02/17/2013. My soul aches for the pain she is enduring. I usually wake up crying because of the pain I witnessed and hear. If there is anything I’ve learned in this short few days that could be used by others closest to those greiving is that the greiving process is unique to each individual and its important to remove any selfish feelings of your own and let it be known that you are there. Let them come to you when they feel they need something. Act as a tool for their using. Be the safety net that catches them. I love you Nicole and I’ll always here when its time to come home. -Josh

    • Irina Arciga says:

      That is amazing advice. She is lucky to have a man at her side who is understanding and “there”. That is the most important thing. It will take a while, but one day she will slowly start coming back to being more herself. Very moving, what you posted. Keep strong and Your girlfriend and family all the best!

  • Freda says:

    I wanted to thank you for this article. It’s poignant, and true. Life events and other’s deaths do make for a “re-loss” as it were. I know because my mother died from cancer when I was 7 y.o. and I have experienced this first-hand since. I was wondering if you had any advice for how to cope on graduation day and any suggestions on remembering her at my graduation party where hardly anyone except family knew her. If you did, I would sincerely appreciate it.

  • Stephanie says:

    Thank you for this article- I was adopted at age 5 and never met my biological mother- I searched 6 months ago and found her-I am 44 years old- unfortunately….she died before I got to meet her of MS. I got the devastating news in August of 2013 and i still cry daily for “loss of mommy”. Not meeting her makes the loss of mommy even greater. I am one f many adoptees who “find a grave” I appreciated the post and it touched my heart to read the many replies also. Thank you

  • leese80 says:

    Hi everyone, i happened to be scrolling through the website late at night looking for some comfort and stories similar to mine, and i have found it. I was 13 when my mum died and i remember my dad taking it so bad that i focused on trying to keep him strong. Many nights as a teenager i would watch my dad through the open doorway as he clutch on to a photo of my mum and he would be crying, in a way i think that what made me get through day to day. Then my dad passed away when i was 23 years old it was like i had lost my world. I am now 33 and have 2 beautiful boys of my own and am going through a scary time with my health and as it says above, its times when you are at these hospital appointments that i wish i had my mother there to hold my hand and say, everything will be okay, and also when it gets to much it would be good to pick up the phone just here he say those words again… it has been 20 years since my mother passed and i still think that for many years to come i will still grieve and have the same pain as i do today.

    thank you for your stories and god bless.x

  • amita sharma says:

    I lost my mother o February 01/2013. It is indeed very difficult when people try to quantify your grief and expects you to act with niormal social courtsey.

  • Tanya says:

    I want to thank everyone for sharing their experiences; I think many of us have been helped in some way, myself too. I am 33 and my 58-year-old mother died of very aggressive brain cancer on February 17. She suddenly collapsed on December 23, 2012 from pressure in her skull and was soon diagnosed as terminal. We spent our favorite holidays taking care of her, her condition progressing faster than we could keep up with. We hadn’t even really had time to fully accept the fact she was dying. It’s just 2 weeks since she passed and I don’t know what else do to but let myself cry and be angry. I know this immediate agony will lessen as everyone likes to tell me, but it’s never going to be ‘normal’ again. I worry for my sister and father too, and I promised Mom I would take care of them. We are just trying to hold each other up right now. It’s helpful to learn what we might expect to feel a year or a few years from now even. I want to check out that Facebook group too. My sympathies to all of you.

  • Osa says:

    I have just lost my mother 2 days ago on March 5. I am 26 years old and I feel so lost. I am glad that she is no longer sick as she had been suffering from MS for 12 years and died of a complication of her body being weakened by the MS. She passed away at home asleep in her own bed. Even with this I still cannot believe that she if gone. Her death was so sudden and unexpected, I am just not sure what to do. Her memorial is on Saturday and I feel over whelmed by everything that needs to be done. All I keep thinking is she was just 49 she should still be here.

    I keep thinking about what we had last spoke about when I last saw her. I told her that my husband and I were going to begin trying to get pregnant within the next year since we are coming up on our 1st wedding anniversary. She was so excited and she couldn’t wait to see her first grandchild. Now I will never get to see her face when I do become pregnant. I keep thinking why did this have to happen. Why couldn’t she stay around for a little while longer. I know this will get easier over time but I know it will never go away fully. I am always going to miss my mother but I know that she is looking over me as I continue through life.

    I know that my father’s and I relationship is going to change as we begin new lives with out my mother since it revolved much around taking care of her. I am relieved now she is gone and I know she is happy as well that we no longer have that burden but I feel guilty for feeling this way. My husband tells me that is natural to feel relieved and tells me that she wanted this for us well. My husband has been around for the last 4 years of her life and is very much involved himself with my mother and he knows there is no reason to feel guilty. I still do feel guilty though.

    I am hoping once we get past the memorial and say our final good byes things will get a little easier. I know its going to be a long road.

  • I lost my mother when I was 9; just a few weeks from my 10th birthday. She was diagnosed with a stage 3 sarcoma tumor just a couple years before she passed. She was pregnant with my little sister when it was discovered. She died when my little sister was 1 1/2 y.o. . I saw her suffer through the agony of chemo side effects and losing her hair. In a family of 7 kids, I am the middle child. Us kids had so much faith that she would recover and I prayed every night that she would survive and stay with us! I was in denial, I suppose, but also very uneducated on the matter as would be expected for a 9 y.o. I put all of these feelings in the back of my memory for many years and lived my teen life not thinking about it, at all. My dad, a very closed off, doesn’t talk about his feelings type of man, never really talked about her; When he, very rarely, brings her up in conversation, he refers to her by her first name rather than “your mom”. That hurts. I have many regrets with the circumstances that surrounded her passing. She spent her last days(weeks) at home, on hospice. I remember her asking me to hold a cup of water for her while she brushed her teeth. I was disgusted and didn’t want to do it. I had an attitude about it. I don’t know why i would act this way, but i feel so bad! At the time, i just wanted to push all the pain away of watching her suffer and pretty much ignored her. I spent all of my time outdoors, avoiding having to be inside the house. She went into a coma for a few days, before she finally passed. It still didn’t click then how serious this was, and that she was actually dying! The morning of her passing, I could hear my older sister and my dad discussing how they will break the news to us little kids. I thought i was dreaming this conversation as i buried my head deeper in the pillow and crawled under the blanket. My dad, 44 at the time, touched my shoulder to wake me, and quietly said ” your mom is gone, she passed” as his voice broke and he dropped his head”. This is all so clear in my head, like it just happened yesterday! I just rolled over in bed and layed there, broken but numb! I still went to school that day. My dad tried to tell me i didn’t have to attend that day, but I insisted. It was WASL testing, and I just had to be there. I wanted to be away from the truth, the pain, the sadness. I wanted to escape. At school, i was so quiet that day. My teacher had found out, somehow, and approached me at lunchtime in the hallway and confronted me. I denied it to her and told her ” i have no idea what you are talking about.” She sent me to the shcool counselor for a group session; he put a candy bowl in front of me while the girl next to me vented about the loss of her dog. Mother’s day was just a few weeks after her death, and it was torturous to watcht the kids in class make mother’s day cards and stare at me, knowing that i was motherless. I was embarrassed, but i shouldn’t have been! I should have gladly made a card and took it to her grave. I don’t know why that wasn’t suggested. I ended up just making a card that had nothing to do with mother’s day. I said nothing. The funeral, i did not attend. I refused. I just wanted to go to school. I did not want to see her be put in the ground. I knew that it was final. I somehow convinced myself that it was all a mistake, someone would call and say she hadn’t died, and that she was just still in the coma. I puked mmy guts out on the schoolbus that day, and listened to the busdriver yell for me to aim at the trash while the kids around me laughed, groaned, and pointed. I don’t discuss everything that i felt those few days surrounding her death, very often. I did not want the pity and also did not want to revisit the feelings. The last few years, though, i have been struggling with her death as if it was recent. I am 24 now and have two children and in a rocky marriage. I feel like i have a void in my heart, or a pit in my soul. I am missing my mom and think about her often. Her face is so fresh in my memory and i lone to hear her voice and even miss her smell. It saddens me that she isn’t here to share the joys of my children, or see how happy they make me. I read this blog because i was looking for answers as to why i feel this pain, now. It is true that you never get over it! NEVER. I definetely believe that i bypassed one of the stages of the greiving process, that has resurfaced lately with all of the changes that i have endured in my life the past couple years. I kept wondering what it would be like to just call her for advice, or stop in and visit with her and play with the kids, or cook together. She loved to bake. This blog, just gave me a little more insight as to the meaning of my recent struggles with her loss despite the many years that have passed. I don’t wish this type of pain/experience on anyone. I hope to get my hands on the book “Motherless Daughters”. Reading it will help me make more sense of why this is all coming back now. It is so true that ” in childhood daughters don’t appreciate their mothers when they are young until they themselves become wives/mothers.”

  • Anonymous says:

    I understand completely. My dear mother was my touchstone. The only person who could completely understand any of my problems and say the magic words that made me feel, if nothing else, that someone totally understood. I cared for her the last 4 years while going through other very stressful times, and although she always said I was the one who gave her the best care, I remember times when I was not as patient as I should have been. Not often, and I’m sure she understood but I will always regret. I always tried to keep her entertained with the latest news, etc., she had the sharpest mind!! incredible. I watched as her world went from working full time until 87 years old, then losing her husband (my dear dad), then going on oxygen and not being able to work but still fighting every day to walk and exercise to finally in the last few months sitting in her chair dealing with bedsores, nausea, fogginess, and having trouble breathing, and only holding on for her girls. It went downhill suddenly in Feb 2013 and we lost her Feb 13. I think my dad was waiting for her and wanted to take her out for Valentine’s Day. I am totally, completely lost without her. I have my sisters, but as many have mentioned, we are all on different levels, thought we have vowed to keep together because mom wanted that. She only held on for us. She sacrificed her whole life for us and was such a brave, strong, sweet woman. Everyone who knew her said she was a saint. I truly do not know how I will live without her and quite frankly, am not sure I want to. I truly identify with all of you and wish you well. I talk to her all of the time. I just decorated the house for Easter (much of it are things she gave me) and I asked her how she liked it. Glad to know people like you don’t think I’m crazy. I just remember all of her suffering and how her world got smaller and smaller until she couldn’t get out of her chair anymore and know she is now healthy and happy, in a better world. What a fighter! Not me, I’m a wimp! I understand life will never be the same again. I drove 60 miles round trip to her house and she would always call to make sure I got home OK. Oh, my lord, I miss those sweet calls! I miss everything. Love you, Mom.

  • Lisa Bonchek Adams says:

    Hi everyone. I don’t know how many are subscribed to receive new comments but hopefully some of you will read this message. I want to tell you how moved I am by this discussion and let you know a few things.

    First, we’ve been working on updating the website and a few comments from the last week were lost in the process. I apologize wholeheartedly for this. If you don’t see your comment here, please feel free to repost it and it should be safe now. The site is now in its new home and should run smoother, with a shorter response time. Readership has grown so much and the old location couldn’t keep up.

    I also want to say that it’s been so difficult to read your stories of loss and grief over the past six months. This original post you see here was written before I received my own diagnosis of stage 4 breast cancer. The writing I do now is so much an effort to leave a legacy for my children after I die.

    My oldest child is a girl, now 14 (the others are boys, ages 11 and 7). I do not know how long I will live, hopefully years, but knowing the loss that all of you have experienced and knowing it will come to my children at a young age has been difficult. I hear your pain, I know I will inflict it on my children too. I wish it were not the case. All I can do is try to explain to them how I feel and try to give them wisdom and love in words for the day when I am no longer here to speak it. I guess I’m trying to do the reverse of what you all are doing… you are here reaching out to mourn your moms… I am the mom reaching out to mourn for my kids, and for myself… that I cannot be here for them as long as I want, as long as they deserve to have me.

    Your comments really are so full of love and loss and grief… thanks for sharing your stories and providing a community to each other here. It’s not easy. The hole can never be filled. But as a mom I know I do not want my children to be stuck in their grief. I want them to remember be happy doing what I loved most… caring for them, raising them, teaching them, loving them. I know that’s what your moms would want too.

    Lisa

    • Joan says:

      Lisa, I am so moved by your reply— for the compassion and concern you’re feeling for all of us while you have so much on your plate. What a fantastic mom and person you are. I hope you have many, many years ahead in this life! -Joan in Kansas City (my mother passed to Heaven Dec. 26th, 2012.)

  • Diana says:

    Reading everyone’s post has touched me so much, I lost my mum to cancer almost 10 months ago and Im really struggling, I have 4 brothers I am the only girl in the family and she was my best friend… Ive met the love of my life and we are planning on tieing the knot soon but when I think about It i get so sad that mum can’t be here to help me, I feel so down and I havent been letting myself grieve through this time, Im still in shock to everything and i dont know what to do.. Im 25 and I still need my mums guidance Im not ready to go into this world without her.. I just feel lost and alone, I dont talk to anyone about how i feel because i dont know what to say.. I just miss her and Id do anything to have her back :( I pray that God places his peace in all our hearts and gives us the strength we need…
    Diana

  • ashlee says:

    I am so sorry for everyone’s loss. I am 27, I lost my mom 20 months ago to a massive brain anurysm. It was behind her frontal lobe and between the two hemispheres of her brain. She lived 6 hrs away. I had just spoken to her the night before. . Her phone was dying so she was going to put it on to charge and call me back. A few minutes later she texted me and said she had a sudden bad headache was going to lay down and would call in the morning. I waited all morning called and text her. Finally I got a call back. It was her husband. He said for me to come now to the hospital up there she was sick. She had fell when he was outside he came in found her called for help. But he didn’t call me until they had already moved her to a larger hospital hours later. I made a 8hr drive to the big hospital in 2 1/2 hrs. I called my dad crying. I didn’t know what had happened yet but I knew it had to do with her headache. I was with her for 6 days I didn’t eat or sleep I drank cokes and energy drinks and sat with her. They said she couldn’t come back from it. But she cried when we sang to her. She would move our hands the way we said.. she fought hard. She was an organ donor so they asked her husband to make the call. I begged him not to. But he did. She wouldn’t stop breathing on her own. No longer a canidate they said but at this point they had taken 2/3 of ger blood to donate. At 6am they took out her tubes gave her morphine and laid her down. It was 6 hrs of more meds and she fought. I went out to the parking lot to call my daughter at her birthday party to say happy birthday. The sun was out but it was misting rain. I looked up and told my mom it was okay to go we would be okay.Then at 2pm she passed. I held her hand.. and cried. There is more to this story but that’s all I can handle sharing right now. We weren’t always close but the last 5 yrs we talked daily. She was my rock my laughter my wisdom. I miss her daily. Sometimes you forget she is gone and you call her number or you hear her voice. Sometimes you see her in your reflection or hear her in your words but you will always miss her hug her smell her laugh her guidance… I have 4kids ages 3-10, they all know who Nana is and she is dearly missed.

  • Antoinette Ludick says:

    Lisa you are such an inspiration to all of us mums your post is truly heartfelt! I pray you live many many years for your kids.
    This blogpost on motherless daughters is a such a life thread to me. I to am mourning the loss of my mum my best friend! When she died about 18 months ago my heart was broken and it still is! I am a mum of 3 girls and I try to emulate her in all I do but I miss her so severely at times I can’t ” keep it together ” but when I read your post and the posts of others it is truely encouraging!
    Antoinette

  • Lori says:

    Thank you to everyone who has shared on this site. I just lost my best friend and mother who had ALS for 22 years and then fought off breast cancer 5 years ago, only to be diagnosed one month ago with advanced liver cancer. She died 2 weeks after the diagnosis on April 2, 2013. She had been so strong through all her other trials, but could not fight this one. She was 88, but I was a caregiver for her for the last 11 years. It was so hard to watch her just give up and have to take morphine for the horrible pain she had. It was heart wrenching to watch her die. Even though I know in my head that I did a lot for her and she is in a better place, I still wish with all my heart I had done more and I miss her so much!! She loved me unconditionally and was my biggest fan! I love you and will always miss you, Mom!

  • Wendy says:

    I too lost my mum about 6 weeks ago. I took her to a and e and they said she had a mini stroke. It would resolve itself in 24 hours. They kept her in the resus ward to monitor her as she had a couple of tia’s a few years before. I left the hospital mid afternoon as I was tols she was fine. I
    rang later on that evening to be told she was fine. 1 hour later she had an acute stroke and died. I’m devastated. I feel like a child again who wants her mummy. My husband was diagnosed with cholangiocarcinoma at Christmas and she was my rock. I feel like I can’t go on without her. Wendy

  • Nic says:

    I lost my mum on the 27th march 2013. She was only 62. The hardest thing for me was this was just prior to Easter. I thought that i had my mum with me for another 20 years. As i am a personal carer i thought it was duty of care to look after my parents. My mum was everything to me from my mum to my best friend. She was also my rock and my protector. We stood by each other through everything. She was there with me when I had my two children and watched me get married twice. I rang my mum on numerous occasions during the day cause If I remembered something or the kids did something I would have to tell her straight away. I took mum to a&e where we talked to drs and then I watched my whole world turn upside down. I found myself watching my mum slip away from me right there and then when they rushed her to resus and I’m signing the paperwork to send her to theater. I was ringing my dad to tell him to get to the hospital. I got the call then to say that mum was dying and it won’t be long. Dad and my husband and kids arrived to sit with her before she died half hour later.. I try everyday at the moment to be strong for everyone in my family but found I came into a freeze and now find myself sitting anywhere and just cry as mum and I went shopping and just driving.
    I will always have my mum in my heart and my thoughts and would always take her memory with me everywhere I go.
    Love and miss her every day xxxx
    Nic

  • ganesh khatiwada says:

    its difficult to start for me, my mum passed away when i was only 4 months now i am 33 every years it make me a pain where mothers day come, i had never seen her how she looks but still i love her from the core distance of my heart. my grand parents brought me up and i used to called my grandmom as a mom. today i liked to share my feeling to all my friends but i don’t get any good message to write. can u pls suggest me how can i write my feeling

  • NANCY G says:

    Wow, after reading this, I am realizing I am not the only one who’s lost her mo at 25 and fears that in the future I will feel saddened at my wedding, give birth to my first child, or graduation day from nursing school. My Mom battled cancer for 3yrs and unfortunately lost the battle April 16, 2013. We got to spend one last bday together, which was on the 8th of April but with Mother’s Day approaching, it is killing me she is not around for us to celebrate. Rather then shop and take her out for dinner, I get to pick out flowers for her grave. That’s all I can really do now. Does it truly get easier? I feel as the days go by I feel more alone and saddened by her loss. Pushing people away is easier and helps prevent my mood swings, in which I hate. I know losing her was for the best, I hated watching her die slowly, but I feel that even though I told her its okay to let go, Wow she listened and now feel abandoned. I’m afraid to get close to someone and relive what I lived with my mom past weeks, it’s hard, I was there for her until the very end through the ups and downs. Been a hell of a roller coaster, but now she finally is resting in peace, no more chemo, needles, appts, nothing. But damn I miss her like crazy. : (

  • Lisa Murray says:

    I just lost my mom on April 18th, 2013. It’s not even a month and I have to say the sadness that I feel is over powering. I am 44, she was 72… not 73, LOL! I have to laugh as I so vividly remember mistakenly accusing her of being 73 shortly before she passed, and BOY did she set me straight. Of course my reply was “Oh Mah, what’s the difference…” In searching out this post/blog, I was researching the grieving process for a mother. I am fairly intelligent, I don’t suppose you could put a time frame on that, and I know that. This pain and grief is just so DEEP, for lack of better words, I needed to read something and validate in some way what I am going threw, as again it is that deep. Anyway this was a great post for the moment, as the perspective of my relationship with her did not die just because she did, that will go on forever and did bring me some solace in realizing that all is not lost. Thank you… xo

  • Adriana says:

    I haven’t lost my mum yet but, she was recently diagnosed with a very advanced and aggressive cancer and the doctors expect her to live for another half a year only. I cannot stop thinking about her coming death, her last breath. I wonder if I will just find her dead one morning or if she will get really bad and die after some painful days in the hospital. She will not be here to see me getting married or to meet her grandchildren. This is so hard, I do not know how to deal with it. It is somewhat comforting reading that there are many of you who have been through the same, but I do not think I’m as strong to overcome my mothers death.

  • L says:

    My heart goes out to everyone here. My mom is still with me, but she has severe pain and disability. She has been suffering for much of her life and nearly all of mine. I am 31 and my mom is 59. The past few years have been extremely hard as we have been in and out of the hospital a lot for various things and she’s been getting treatments which aren’t working like we’d hoped. There have been many times I thought I was going to lose her, and have thought about her death a lot. At times I pray for God to end her suffering, but I can’t bear to think of my world without her. I cherish every moment but also cry all the time and she is still here.

    About 6 months ago my best friend’s mom was diagnosed with an aggressive brain cancer and is now on home hospice with little time left to live. Her mom is a wonderful woman and has been like a mother to me. We live close by and I am also a doctor. Because of this, and because I am so close with my friend and her family, I have been very involved. At one point her mom was admitted to the hospital where I work. My friend, who is engaged and was supposed to get married this year, is one of the most amazing, strongest people I know. She has always been there for me with my mom, and I am doing everything I can to be there for her. We talk all the time, we laugh and we cry, and we hold each other when there are no good words to say. I am so sad, it is all so devastating, and I know it’s only going to get harder.

    I wish everyone here peace and comfort. Thanks for listening.

  • Jo says:

    I keep trying to kid myself i’m dealing with the passing of my mum but continue to have moments like this where i break down and want to shut myself off from the world. I lost my beautiful best friend on January 9th this year and not one minute goes by that i don’t think of her. We had just celebrated her 52nd birthday and Christmas but she had stage 4 cervical cancer and devastatingly lost her battle after just 6 months.

    I have an amazing family and partner but find it so hard to open up to others about my grief which is why i came here. All of these stories make me feel less alone and have almost given me some comfort in a way, that i am not the only one going through this. Nancy G, your point about no longer having to deal with needles, appointments etc really helped me tonight, as this particular form of pain for my mum was not something i had thought of since her passing but really is something i am so glad she no longer has to endure.

    Watching her pass was by far the hardest for me. Although it was peaceful and i feel so privileged to have been there with her, the last week was awful. She could no longer speak or eat and the last few days her eyes were glazed over. We did manage to have one night with her where she was more coherent but she kept repeating how terrified she was and this continues to haunt me. I can’t quite shake this time from my memories and all i want is to be able to remember her the way she was – active, healthy, beautiful and fearless.

    I know this will get easier with time but for now it is just so impossible. Thank you all for sharing your amazing stories and so much love to all of our mums xx

  • Angel says:

    I am 25 soon to be 26. My mother and I were in a car wreck on April 1st 2013. She was driving and we were turning into her driveway. A foolish girl chasing her boyfriend went to pass us on a double yellow and t-boned right at my momma. My mom had to be airlifted after being cut from the vehicle she passed away on the 4th. She left behind 3 children and 4 grandchildren all 10 or under. Her youngest and only granddaughter will be 1 the 26th of this month. Its going to be very hard for my sister and all of us. Mother’s day was hard to get through without her. She was only 51 and the brightest star in our family, she held us all together. April 1st was my dad and her 10 year old grandsons birthday. That’s where we had been, birthday shopping. I had set my wedding days for September 21st my mom was going to be my maid of honor… now she’s not here to be there on what’s suppose to be one of the happiest days of my life. I have had to postpone it for now it’s something I just can’t endure without her right now. My dad is 65 and in bad health I was always worried he wouldn’t be here to walk me down, never once worried about my momma not being there. This is the hardest thing I’ve ever experienced. I miss her more and more everyday. I don’t see the pain ever easing she was taken so tragically and suddenly. She went through so much suffering in that hospital and from the impact of the wreck. The girl that hit us had her cell in her hand were waiting on her records to see if she was texting or what but she hasn’t shown any sympathy to my family and she’s still walking free. The hospital gave us so much hope as well saying over 90% chance and all they were suppose to be doing was replacing a tube. Then she was just gone. No one got to say goodbye. No one thought it would be goodbye. My whole family is having a hard time dealing with her loss. She was an amazing woman and mom. We all miss her terribly.

  • julez says:

    My mother died 8 months ago, I don’t know how to deal with it or what to do, I know that I need to address it and grieve I haven’t I went back to work and lived my life kind of like I’m in a state of shock still, I keep wanting to call her or go down the street to her house, I feel empty and angry. I too am an only child and I turned 25 eight days after my mother died, I had no idea it was coming I was at work and got a phone call and she fell at work and died instantly of a heart attack, my mother was my life I spoke to her everyday two or three times a day and even bought a house down the street to be closer to her, I just feel lost and I know I need help to deal with this but I dont know know where to find it.??

  • Leslie says:

    I lost my mom very unexpected! It has only been five weeks but feels like forever! I try to be strong every day for my three children but it is not working! All I want to do is talk about her! I feel that is not what friends and family want to do! I feel they just want to move in! When I try to talk about they don’t! Subjects are changed or texts not answered! I feel so alone! My mother was part of my daily life! We were always there for each other! I have a daughter with a disability and a lot of medical problems! She is always in the hospital! My mom was my support system! I could remember when my daughter was born my mom said its ok we will get through this together! My daughter is seven now! I feel I can’t do this without her! She is the only one who would always be there for me! I could go on forever! I am thankful I read ur stories I do not feel alone anymore! I will pray for all of you and that some kind of peace and comfort be brought upon each of us! Sorry for the rattling!

  • Gloria says:

    Hi Everyone
    I can relate to every single one of your posts.I lost my wonderful mother just about two years ago.It was right around Mothers Day.She passed away of cancer.She was diagnosied in January and passed in May.Believe me no one understands.You must go through something like this yourself and then you can understand the pain.My friends do not really understand.They try their best though.My husband also tries.My son misses her dearly as she was nana.My mom was and is everything to me.She was my world.No one could ever replace her.I can’t even begin to explain the pain I feel every single day.I envy the ones that still have their moms.I am even jealous of them.They are so lucky and most of them don’t even realize it. I cry in my pillow every night.I miss my mom so so much.She would be so proud of her grandson.He is about to graduate from eight grade with honors.It will be a sad day for us both without my mom.I know she will be watching from Heaven and smiling down on him but its just not good enough.It will never be good enough.I want her here in person and I know that I can never have that.I can never have the one thing that I really need My Mom.I do know how each and every one of you feel.I feel the same way. I am completely lost without my mom.Thanks to all for listening.

  • TIffany says:

    I lost my mom on May 17,2013 on a Friday I found her dead laying in her bed at 9:25 a.m. she was only 55. She didn’t have cancer or a med problem. She just went to sleep and never woke up. I don’t know what to do I lost my best friend, and I lost my mom at the same time. I keep thinking about that morning over and over was there something I could of done or do. Why didn’t I hug her goodbye or tell her I love her more then dirt like she tells me all the time. All I said to her is I will see you tomorrow. I keep asking myself why her why my mom. Why did god take away my kids grandma cindy? Its killing me inside, but I have to put on a happy face infront of my kids. I kept myself so busy this past few weeks cleaning out her apartments, dealing with her service and all. Now that I am done what do I do now? I cant sleep or smile or even talk to people. I keep going over and over in my head that morning.

    • Julez says:

      I Understand exactly how you feel, I don’t know what to do, or how to feel, my mother left me unexpected also, no health problems nothing now I have a million and one questions, things I wish I wouldve said or done before, and maybe I couldve helped her or saved her…but I didn’t or couldnt. I’m sorry I know how you feel and its not a good feeling, its a very empty feeling that no matter how hard I try I can’t fill the void or make it go away. I’m here if you need to talk or need a friend to scream, cry, or anything

  • Gloria says:

    Hi ! I lost my mom and best friend to cancer on May 11, 2011. It is just a little over two years now, but it feels like it was only yesterday. People always say things will get better.You need to give it time.I know that I will never feel the same.My world is forever changed.I don’t have my mom anymore.She mreant everything to me.We were very close and always were.If I was out late, she could not go to sleep until she knew that I was safe at home.She was very protective of me.She loved me that much! I loved her just as much.I still love and miss her so very much.I feel that I didn’t do enough to save her.I should have been able to save her! The last time she spoke to me was on Mother’s Day of 2011. She kept saying that she loved me and I was her baby.I hope she knew how much I loved her! I miss her so so much! Again, thanks everyone for listening.I really need friends who understand how I feel!

  • Lisa Cervantez says:

    I’m 40 years old. I spoke called my mom on Mother’s Day 2013 and spoke to her for the last time. 3 hours later, she went into cardiac arrest. There is so much ambiguity around her death and I have so much anger. Three days later, we had to disconnect her and it was for her best interest. It was the most selfless decision to make. I stood by her bedside for 77 straight hours and have no regrets. I am in deep pain and miss her terribly. My two children miss her and I know Mother’s Day will never be the same, ever. Even through our ups and downs, we loved each other and I want her back. I’m torn between God’s will and my selfishness.

  • Sandra Smith says:

    I lost my mom on her birthday, May 7, 2013. She had her first stroke a year ago on April 29. Today is a bad day for me and I can barely stop my tears. She and I lived together for ten years and like most adults we didn’t always agree. However she was my main parent after my parents divorced. I know intellectually that she didn’t like being paralyzed and unable to even eat solid food. She was ready to go and died here at home with me by her side. I know I’ll get better in time. I just didn’t know I would miss her so much. It is really hard.

  • charlie says:

    I am now 15 but at the time I was 14.
    One night everything was normal I got out shower and went to bed, at 1:OOam midnight I and my 3 sisters and brother got woke up by my uncle and a police officer my other little sister who was 2 staywd in her cot because she was going to umy uncles I felt abit awkward, I was confused as I went to bed with my mum and step dad downstairs, but apparantly my mumhad gone to her friends, when we was all down stairs I asked a police officer what was going on but he wouldn’t tell me anything, next minute there was about 7 police officers in my house ! I was scared ! Police ranf my real dad who was sleeping at his girlfriends and thepolice asked my dad to collect us so because my dad doesn’t drive my dads girlfriend came for us whilst my dad stayed at her house with her 2 ‘g°̩яℓ s aged 12 and 10, we went to my dads girlfriends and stayed the ight still confused about everyrhing, the next morning which was the last day of term 20th July 2012 and my dad came in woke us up an said he needed to tell us something, I asked to go and sit with donna in the kitchen with her ‘g°̩яℓ ș but he said I had to stay, his exact words he said to us was ‘ well your mum got rushed to hospital last night as she collapsed and was unconsious ! She was on a life machine for 7 ours but she passed away at 5am, her death : 20th July 2013 5am’ . I screamed and ran in to the kitchen my dads girlfriends kids was crying as there mum must of told them ! After about 10 minutes of crying I shook up and said I need to go to school and got changed and got a lift to school by donna. At school I cried and I stayed with my pe teacher all day, she looked after me really well and was very supportive. The 20th july 2012 was the worst day of my life. I was only 14 my was was only 36 !!!!!

  • Tammi says:

    My mother passed away in January 2012. I was scheduled to get married in June 2012. I ended up postponing the wedding because I wasn’t ready to do it without her. She was my life. I had been caring for since the day she had her heart attack a year prior. She lost her life suddenly to a blood clot in her heart pump before a heart became available for a transplant. I struggle with the fact that she was only 61 years old and she won’t get to be there for one of the most important days of my life. My fiancé has lost 1 friend and while that is horribly hard to deal with, he doesn’t understand how hard it is to lose a parent and best friend all in one. He didn’t know her before she got sick so while he met her and spent time with her, I feel like he didn’t know the person I always knew. This story really touched me and made me think about things in my own life as well. I don’t think I will ever be completely ok to go through with the wedding without her but when I do get married, I plan to incorporate her as much as possible without making it a total memorial. What my biggest fear is is having to tell my future children about her knowing they will never get to meet her and see if for themselves and they won’t really understand. I think the advice so many of you have left is wonderful and I plan to use it in my life as well. I hope my story helps someone in their journey as others stories have helped me.

    • Olivia Lanton says:

      My mother died on Dec. 2, 2012. I thought that I had everything under control after she passed away: taking care of my business, taking care of my home, and socializing with my friends. Recently, I discovered that I have been burying my true feelings for I feel lost, unappreciated, and uncomforted without my mother by my side. Even though we had our hard times, I knew that she truly loved me. My mother came to live with me after a stroke and I took care of her for one year and would gladly do it all over again for it was an honor to do so. My mother passed away suddenly after a fall at a rehab. center and I guess I’m feeling much guilt about it thinking that I shouldn’t have taken her there. I didn’t think that feeling this kind of grief could feel so deep and intense and am not sure how to handle it. I am good at hiding my feelings to myself and seem to only allow my grief to surface when I go to bed at night.

  • Penny says:

    It is my Mums Birthday tomorrow. She has been gone now for just over 5 years. It is a very hard time and I can’t stop thinking about how much I miss her. My Dad is making it very difficult now as he continually tells me he has moved on. I don’t know what he means. It makes me feel that he doesn’t want me in his life anymore and that his previous life with my Mum never existed. Sometimes I feel silly for feeling this way because I am now 38 and have a supportive husband and 3 beautiful daughters. I have lost my beautiful caring mother, I don’t want to lose my dad as well…

  • Losing my mother to death has been especially hard in many ways, closing June 26th, 2013 as 18 yrs! Becoming a motherless grieving teen at young age of 15 to my 3 month old sister. Angery, sad, and lost, with addition to being a victim of bullying both in and out of school the worst from my father who belittled my worthines to the lowest. however today, I am proud to acknowledge and state- I have felt guilty for truly not appreciating all that she did for me over the years growiing up as a child. I am always missing her advice and unconditional love. Losing my mother has also forced myself to confront my own mortality of feeling older becoming vulnerable to the negative surrounding me. After several years of feeling drained from life’s demands, I began to realize that I was suffering from Depression since the loss of my mother and just making the best with I physically, mentally and spirtiually can adhere to.
    Teenagers perceive death in much the same way adults do. However, they may react in a dramatic manner, by misbehaving or acting out. They may engage in dangerous activities in an attempt to defy death. The teenage years are already hard on the child, without the added burden of significant grief. Peer influence is so important at this age that teens may resent or feel embarrassed about the death, because it impacts their normal comfortable social life. These stressors may lead a teen to feel “different” or isolated from their friends. Teens may deal with this by trying to distract themselves or by “turning off” their grief. They may act as if nothing has happened when in reality, they are torn up inside. It may be hard to draw teenagers out and get them to express their grief in a healthy manner.
    Complicated Grief is the type of loss I had to deal with over the last 18 years. This is when the grieving process does not progress over time as it should. The intensity of feelings and length of time is severe and prolonged and interferes with your ability to function. You may even fall into a true depression or anxiety disorder. The hallmark of complicated grief is that the thoughts, reactions and behaviors do not change or improve as time goes on. Most people know when they are stuck in a grief that will not resolve. Complicated grief usually will not conclude on it’s own, and requires the help of a professional counselor to resolve it.
    I guess I never figured out how to fit together the life I had before with the one ahead. I tried to just forget it, but I couldn’t. I keep waiting for things to get better, but they didn ‘t. I wished it never happened and hoped it wouldn’t again, but I knew it could. I tried to go back to my old life, but I really want to go back to that old life. But it was not working. I kept on fighting endless symptoms. But who was I kidding? I was fighting myself. I was lying to myself and I didn’t believe anyone. Stop. Healing isn’t automatic. Time is not a magic eraser that makes bad thoughts and feelings go away. Accept that your old life and your new experience don’t fit together. I knew that I was going to get better. But I was prepareing to have to work at it.
    The grieving process is a very personal and individual thing. My unique relationship with my mother, and the manner in which she died has dictated the length and depth of my “roller coaster ride”. There was no healthy way to shorten the process; there are was no short cuts to the resolution of my grief. There was also no “normal” amount of time for mourning. Some people adjust to a new life in a matter of months. Others take a year or more, or up to 2 years or longer to complete their grieving. Most take a year or two. Even after you are “done”, you may experience grief feelings from time to time, especially during special dates and anniversaries, or during holidays. Expect it.The end of grief does not mean that you forget your beloved, or cease to love them. When you experience a tragic loss, it breaks your heart.
    The grieving process creates change in your life and in yourself that allows you to gradually relinquish your need for the lost one. Grief helps you come to terms with this, and to refocus your energies toward the future. Grief is not about “returning to normal”. You will never be the same as you were. Grief is about finding a new life order for yourself. As hard as it was to believe, the pain eventually eased up and is allowing myself to reinvent my life and my identity. I am trying to reinvest in life and find myself to plann for the future with some degree of joy in being alive. I have begun to sense some new beginnings; experience a new dawning of life that hopefully will slowly replaces the previous despair and desolation and darkness.
    As I regain my mental well- being, I have discovered that creating artwork following a tragic loss can be very therapeutic, helping one to express and release thier own painful, stressful emotions. Accessing these emotions is not always easy by talking, by using words. You may try to talk it all out, get it off your chest, yell and scream out in your anger and grief. But in the end, the feelings still sit there. Why? Because your left-brain’s verbal language is limited in it’s vocabulary, leaving your true emotions literally unexpressed. To access and release your real feelings, you have to use the right-brain’s language of imagery… through artwork. So I have opened my mind to this and you will find much comfort in my unique expression of artwork! So with this said, I dedicate the following to my loving mother and to life in general! I am loving myself a little more each & everyday………….

    Love & Miss My Mother-My Guardian Angel

  • Janine says:

    I lost my mother on the 27 May very suddenly! I feel so empty, it feels like something inside of me has been ripped out and my life will never be the same again! It’s terrible and no-one will ever understand the loss of a mother until you have experienced it yourself. To everyone who has lost their mother, I understand and feel your pain completely!

  • dee r says:

    I lost my mother on 1/2/08. I still miss her terribly. I was an only child of divorced parents and we spent so much time together. I have such a hole in my heart that no one can fill. After she died and I have gotten older, I have appreciated so many things about her that I didn’t think much about such as her being our only bread winner for our little family and the sacrifice of all of that work. I wish that I could share all that I have learned. I miss her unconditional support, encouragement and never-ending love she gave to me. She was my biggest cheerleader. I also miss her voice, hugs and just her presence. The grief never really ends.

  • Patty Spade says:

    My mother passed in April after many years of COPD. Every year her health declined until she eventually needed the care of a nursing home. I was a faithful visitor as mom just wanted “to go home” . She gradually grew accustomed to the nursing facility but that is because dementia was taking over. On Easter day mom got pneumonia (again) and just did not have the strengh to fight any more. She never got out of bed after that and declined each day. I visited before and after my work and tried to encourage her to eat and drink and needed to be fed by hand. Eventually she just started sleeping more and more and that is when I would crawl into bed with my mama and just hold her, sing hymns and just cry. Mama eventually became comatose but did still respond to pain. The last 3 days of her life I spent day and night with her never leaving her side. My siblings and I watched helplessly as she began to struggle to breathe and gurgle. Morphine was used to make her more comfortable. Death is not pretty as in the movies. I wanted to run and hide and I watched her breathe less and less. Breath became shallow and sporatic and noisy. I wanted to throw myself across her and beg her not to leave me although I knew it was time. We could have heard a pin drop as life drained from her and she became pale. She was gone. Only then did I throw myself across her and cry. It has been a couple of months now and I cry every day for her. She was 78 when she passed. She was my best friend and a wonderful giving mother. The only comfort I find is reading “Proof of Heaven.”

  • Shalini says:

    I lost my mom on 20-4-2013,on her 68th birthday. My parents n i along with my daughter and my brother’s family were holidaying in Kashmir.since morning she had been recieving bday wishes. V all had tea together(which she made for us). Then v all went to ur respective rooms to get ready for the day.she went in to take a bath n within a minute called out to my dad to bring her out. She walked out with him n sat on the bed n just collapsed. My poor unsuspecting father thought she had fainted. But she was actually no more. Losing her like this was a bolt from the blue. She was in perfect health, most regular with yoga. I just ask for strength for my father.

  • Jane says:

    I found this website today as this marks the two year anniversary of the most special woman to me and many others of her passing …..my Mom. Like many of the posts here no matter what age we always miss our dear Moms who nurtured us, listened and more importantly were always there for us.

    The circumstances were quite unique in that my Father had passed away unexpectedly 4 months earlier. My Mom had so much FAITH that she told me not once but twice that my deceased Father had came back, awoke her – he was present by her bedside – and said to join him. This was before she was diagnosed with colon cancer.

    I can say that in the two years…each day you never forget. I know she surrounds me with rainbows, shining rays from reflections in the sun and most of all a warmth. We had talked about how she was going to provide signals to me and those were the things she wanted! And wow….I experienced the MOST vibrant rainbow end for end one day that literally cars were pulling over and taking pictures of…I had no camera and I see rainbows on my ceiling from reflections, crystal bracelets I wear each day and my cat observing “something unseen” around me. He will look and meow…watch for the signs.

    For me….I was able to find a wonderful therapist who I was able to work with. I advise everyone to take care of yourself – your soul, your mind, your body – never be afraid to see advice or help. There are many wonderful resources for each of us.

    In peace….

  • Michele says:

    I lost my mother to cancer when I was 19 when she was just 49, that was 30 years ago. I turned 49 this past year and it was a very difficult year worrying that I too would get cancer and leave my teenage daughter. WHen I reflect back on my life and all the major events I have experienced with out her it makes me terribly sad for all that I have missed without her. THe pain that I experienced during the years she was sick and then died are still so fresh even now. I have been so blessed with a large family and wonder sisters and a wonderful mother in law who have help bridge the gulf of the loss that I have had. I look forward to seeing her one day when I too will be going home to be with God.

  • Kay says:

    This post and the comments really got to me. Especially what Rita wrote about not being able to grieve for a mother.

    I lost my mother 18 years ago, a couple of months before my 10th birthday. She was diagnosed with breast cancer two weeks after finding out she was pregnant with my youngest sister in early 1993. Her doctors wanted her to have an abortion in hopes it would improve her chances, but on the scheduled day she and my father decided she didn’t want to take her baby’s life for her life, especially since there were no guarantees. She lived until 1995 after lots of chemo, remission, and then discovering the cancer was back and had metastasized to other parts of her body. I remember my parents telling me she had a brain tumor and asking why they couldn’t just remove it. They told me it would just grow back, I still didn’t believe that she would die.

    I remember the morning she died, saying good bye to her before school and her telling me she loved me. Shortly after lunch, I was called to the office and a friend of my parents picked me up and took me home. My mom was no longer conscious and very close to death. I remember counting seconds between her breath, they were longer and longer until she stopped. I was in shock, although I knew she was sick, I prayed every night for her to get better and hadn’t accepted that she was going to die.

    My father began dating the woman he would eventually marry 4 months after her death and they married about two years later. My siblings and I weren’t allowed to talk about my mom, have pictures of her, she was completely shut away, off limits to talk about, as my new step mother had/has severe mental issues and apparently could not cope with us talking about my mom. It was as though she saw her as competition, even though she was no longer alive. To this day she refers to her as my “birth mother”, something that irritates me to no end. For years I stuffed my feelings and memories and just didn’t deal with it. I kept shoving it further and further down. I eventually developed bulimia as a way to deal with my feelings and suffered with that for 5 years and it’s something that still is a challenge for me. I wonder the person I would have been had my mom lived.

    It’s only been in the last few years that I’ve started letting myself grieve my loss. I’m getting married next year and know that it will be a difficult time without her, as will the coming milestones of eventually having my first child and when I turn 35 (the age my mom was when she died). I desperately hope to have a daughter one day to have the mother/daughter relationship I crave. This is the first time I’ve written this out and I hope it helps someone else realize it’s okay to grieve and there is no time limit on it. I’ve come to accept that I will never be “okay” with my mom’s death, I’ll never stop missing her and that’s okay.

    • Lisa Bonchek Adams says:

      I am so sorry for your loss. Your story really moved me, made me sad for you and the way you have been constrained in expressing not only your grief but your love and continued devotion to your mother (yes, mother, not “birth mother”!).

      I know what is in your heart cannot be squelched. Nor should it. Getting married and having children will be bittersweet. But I would predict every event, happy and sad, have been that way for you since she died.

      Of course there are no magic words of comfort… But I did want to say that I have heard what you have said. And you are not alone. Thank you for sharing.

  • delina saldana says:

    My mother also passed away. I was 7 years old when she over dosed on heroin. We were not able to have a good relationship before she passed. I feel so lost and hurt. Sometimes more for her taking the opportunity to have a loving mother/daughter relationship away for me. I am very much scared to get married or have children. I can only imagine the pain of her absence because I am so sad just thinking all she has already missed.

  • Mtidor says:

    My wife lost her mother two days after she gave birth to our first child. My mom is still alive but it is not the same. She seems different she has lost a lot of hope. How can I as a husband help her through this. It hurts my heart. I pray about it. I would like to hear from someone who has gone through this

  • Gloria says:

    Hi Mtidor,
    I can sympathize with your wife.I have also lost my mother.We were very, very close.She was my world and my best friend.It has been two years since she left me , and it is still very painful.My heart is still broken, and it always will be.She was my mom and no one can ever replace her.As her husband, I know you must want to help her and make the pain go away.Just know that you can’t make her pain go away, but you can still be there for her.Just let her cry if she needs to, hold and comfort her, let her talk about her mom as much as she wants.Just don’t tell her that time will heal everything, because it doesn’t. You just learn to cope and go on for the ones that still need you, especially your children.She will always miss her mom and may never seem the same especially if she was as close to her mom as I was to mine.Just know that she loves you and her child .She just misses her mom and always will.Be there for her and let her know she is loved.That’s about all you can do.My heart goes out to your wife.Believe me, I understand exactly how she feels.The pain can be unbearable when you lose your mom.I am truly sorry for your wife’s loss!

  • Paula says:

    I am an only child who never married-My Mother had 6 miscarriages and tried for 13 years to have me. My MOther was healthy her whole life, walking and exercising, watching what she ate. With no cancer in her family, suddenly at 81 years young, on my birthday was told she had weeks to live. I stopped working, took care of her night and day-she died in my arms-some say how lucky I was to have her die in my arms-but I feel so alone-the doctor told me its time to find my own life now-but I don’t know how to do that without her… Daddy died in 2006-he was the most amazing man ever. I know I will never be happy again, but one day, I hope God allows me to smile once in a while. The mind will make the body sick-I am proof of that…but I’m not going to give up. I owe them that for fighting to have me for 13years…

  • Erica says:

    i know exactly what thats like. i lost my mother when i was 10 she died of a stroke im 27 now but i still cry about it here and there. stay strong!

  • Nicole says:

    I just recently lost my mom 3 weeks ago exactly today, on July 14th 2013. My mom was a single mother to my 6 year old sister And I. My sister and I dont talk to our dad, nor do i have any intrest in speaking or seeing him again; but its hard to be complety parent-less now. My mom was only 37 & her death was preventable. Since my mom had me when she was 19, we basically grew up together & were super close. She was my bestfriend. The way everything happend was so fast, and the worst way possible , since I was the one to find her. I have a lot of regret and guilt. We had a fight before she went to bed . It kills me to think the last words i said to her was not to pleasent. I never got to say goodbye or i love you.
    What also really scares me is that my sister is so young , im afraid how shes going to grow up being parent-less. I have always been there as a 2ndmother to her while she has been growing up; but i could never take my moms place :( but i will try my best as raising her the way my mom would have& help her with every obstacle she has in her life. i hope my sister will remember my mom , and will remember her hugs and how much she loved her. My grandparents who are in there early 60’s , & also my mom, sister and i have lived with since i was born & are close with, are raising me and my sister . I graduate high school this year & its gonna be hard not seeing my biggest supporter there. I know noone wil probly take the time to read this, but ive read alot of the comments and felt like these are people who understand how im feeling right now & felt like sharing a little.. I love you mom

    • Marlene Ross says:

      Yes, I hear you …I was your age when my father died and I recently lost my Mother. We never quite get over the loss of a parent, for no one else can ever fill their role in our lives and in our hearts. I, too, wish I had said more to my Mother before she passed away, but know in your heart, as I do, that your Mother knew you loved her and she knew she could count on you to be there for your younger sister. The greatest thing you can do in your mother’s memory is what she would want for you: That is, to become the best person you can be and use your life wisely and fully to become that person. Set your goals high and go forward. Love and protect your sister, for you are her link to the Mother you both share. Bless you!

    • Pauline Docherty says:

      Nicole, I’m so sorry. I was genuinely moved reading your story. I’m 37 (and mum to a 2.5 year old) and lost my mum my mum on September 14th 2012 (I was 36 at the time). While our lives are very different and not one loss is ever the same as another I would like to say to you that you and I share a common bond and that if you ever need to speak to anyone please leave a comment and I’ll get in touch. To lose your mum at this time of your life is unimagineable to me. Jeeze I thought 36 was young….I agree with Marlene’s comment to you but I am completely sure that at this stage you could very well still be in shock at what has happened to you. I was for months but didn’t realise at the time. You and your sister now are the strongest links you both have to your mother – take care of each other and, in a lesson i have learned since losing my mum, always take the time to let each other know how much you care and how much you love each other. Please know you have a friend in me if you ever need to reach out. Sending hugs your way (((())))

  • Bonnie says:

    My mom died 15 years ago from colon cancer. I was 34 years ago at the time, married with 2 small children. It is still hard for big events in my families life to not have her with us. She loved her grandchildren and I am sad for them to be missing the grandma who never missed an event. I read somewhere years ago that as a daughter approaches the age that her mother was when she was diagnosed with an illness or died that it is tough to past that milestone. In the past few weeks I am struggling with the fact that I am almost that age and it scares me to death. I have never struggled with getting older until recently and I feel really alone with this, like no one will understand these feelings. I went looking for a blog and I found this. If anyone has experienced this would love to chat with you.

    • Marlene Ross says:

      We all identify with our Mothers in so many ways…the attachment is never broken, so thinking of yourself associated to any milestone is not unusual, including the age of her passing. In fact, because we are so much of our parents DNA it is only natural to wonder what we might inherit from either of them. That’s exactly how it was when both my sister and I individually reached the age when my father had a heart attack and died. He was young when he passed. I never realized the fear I had about reaching the same age and perhaps leaving this world as he did until my sister mentioned to me that she had experienced the same fear, at the same age milestone. Having a heightened awareness of this can only help you take good care of yourself. Since you know your family medical history, the best thing you can do is to remain proactive, healthwise. Speak to your doctor to make sure you have done all the preventitive care you need to do according to your family history, and do what your Mother would want most for you, and that is to lead a healthy life-style, with proper diet and exercise and regular medical check-ups. You will be fine because you are ahead of the game. Blessings to you!

  • Christine Charlie says:

    I lost my mother on 20 July 2013. It is so painful to imagine. No one can make you forget your dear mother. Looking at the mirror brings me back the image of my dear mother. I have so many things to relate to. Mother’s love can not be offered to you by anyone no matter how good people may present themselves to you. Its so painful to imagine the good things the dear mother did to me. Just remembering the stories, the communication skills she taught me. She would appreciate my mistakes with lots of love. Not even a single day or hour passes by before I remember my mother. May be my situation is most recent and unexplainable. I am so hurt and still need to say mother but she varnished before me forever. Memorable dear mother.

  • Kathleen Moschella says:

    I am so moved as I read the previous postings. It confirms for me that the depth of our love for our mothers is deeper than has been understood and is still so misunderstood. I only can hope that we those who experience the loss of their mom can find a vibe to connect too .. some sort of way to stay connected. By this I am thinking that you and no one else can ever ‘get’ the depth of grief that you feel … try to be that person that does ‘get’it and reach out to others. My mom passed away when I was days away for turning 8 years old … totally crazy … how could this be … she was so amazing .. so pretty .. so the mom and friend so many looked up too … words would not cover the extent of the grief I felt and what family and friends felt … but I was only 8 .. Heck … that is just crazy .. and in some regards it still is … but I write this from the heart and want to reach out to just say to the that person who needs to hear this now … that believe it or not … but DO … you will mend … there will always be that missing piece but just know it makes you stronger and although your sensitivity level is heighened … not to worry .. you are all the more human!

  • Patricia says:

    Very similar story to many people here. I lost the mother I had in my life for 60 years this year.
    I feel the sadness and 4 months later it creeps up on me unexpectedly. In the days immediately after her death I felt a presence deep down inside me that was comforting, supportive, strong and motherly. The feeling was very strong around that time – it is less strong now but when I relax and think about it I can feel it. It could be described as the emotional support that her love always gave me but I while she was alive I didn’t think too much about it. I now feel that her love continues to exist in my heart and mind. She had a strong relationship with her own mother who had died many years ago and I didn’t understand that until now. For those who think you cant connect with that feeling . . I believe you can . . just think about her . . . and of pleasant times . . relax and be patient with yourself . . . you will find that she is still part of you.

  • Gloria says:

    I find that sentiment very warm and touching.I lost my mom and true best friend on May 11th, 2011.I realize that it is over two years now, and many people feel that I should be over the sadness that I still feel strongly each and every day.I am not over it, though.I do feel sad and I miss her more today than even when she first passed.My life is not the same anymore.My best friend is gone.I know that she is always with me and watching over me.However, I don’t feel presence like so many of you feel the presence of your moms.I look for signs all the time, but none come.I would welcome a loving sign from my mom, just to know that she’s okay and knows how much I love her.I talk to her all the time, even though I know she can’t answer me.I only hope that she can hear me and feel my love.I love you mom and miss you more than you could ever imagine.My life is not the same without you.

  • I lost my mother 6months ago a couple of months before her 40th birthday and I am 19 turning 20 in a few months . I have no father figure he left when I was 10 and I care for my brother who just turned 16. It’s just the two of us his in high school and I just returned to university and work part time .

    After reading this it is everything I feel and everything I have thought about . It’s hard to even imagine my mum not being at my wedding and the fact that my future husband won’t know her angers me . Lots of things anger me after her death and just the thought of my future upsets me without her here .

    Does anybody else feel like everything is a burden on them without their mother here . Anything bad goes wrong you blame it on the fact you’re mum is not here ? For example I received a parking fine and had a mental breakdown because I kept saying to myself if my mum was still here it would’ve never happened to me there are so many things that have gone wrong since my mothers death I just can’t comprehend the thought of ever passing major life events like my wedding without her

    • Chantal Allison says:

      I lost my mom in June. I’m the only child and she brought me up on her own so I’m now alone. Anger is a huge part of what I’m going through too. I’m angry with her a lot I find. I was told that it’s normal to be angry and that it is a part of the grieving process. I try to think that she’s watching over me even thought I’m not a religious person. I’m going to start as a participant in a grief group starting in October and I’m hoping this will be helpful. You are so young to have lost your mom. I’m 39 and she was 62. Your mom was so young to pass. My mom passed away from cancer. It all happened so fast that I feel that I barely knew what was happening before it was already finished. I really feel for you and the road that lies ahead for you. I wish I could leave you my email address so that we could talk on a more personal level.

      • Chantal Alison , I am from Sydney Australia & am wanting to join something similar to that . There are days I am ok and some days little things trigger my anger for example today I was driving home from work and I just looked up at the sky and broke down and starting crying I was crying out of anger . Angry that she’s gone not here and I was on my way home to nothing …. I had nothing to look forward too and I was angry because I was gling home to pick my brother up and head to the movies and still I felt we are alone and it’s not the same . I remember when she was sick I couldn’t be around her and I regret that now … Chemo therapy radio blood transfusions everything you name it i wanted no part of it ! It was like I was in denial of her cancer I couldnt stand seeing her so sick . I couldn’t stand watching cancer take my mum away .. I hated how it slowly deteriorated her and when I look back at pictures it gets me so angry to see my young fun energetic mum full of life only 39 years old hadn’t even started her life yet … Sitting there in a wheelchair in so much pain … Looking drowsy from all the medication and blown up from the steroids and lymphodema … It upsets me and makes me very angry

        It is so hard without her

        • Nicole says:

          My situation is similar to yours Natalie, my mom just died last month; she was only 37. She left me (17) and my younger sister (6) behind. I always look at the sky and start to cry… I dont know why. I also feel like everytime I go home, its to nothing. My mom was my everything, and its so hard being young without my mom.

          • Nicole … I just don’t know what to say and I know there is nothing I can say , I think it’s a beautiful thing that this thread is here where a is ladies can connect with one another we all have something very close to our hearts that was taken away . Sometimes it’s good to vent out with strangers who know exactly how you feel too sometimes x I would love to connect with you all on social media

            Stay strong xx
            Natalie Assaad
            @officialnatalieasaaad

    • Jennifer says:

      My mother died 13 years ago when I was 25. We were best friends. When you said that everything feels like a burden without your mother, it resonated so strongly with me. I lost interest in pretty much everything and everything felt like too much effort. Then there was the anger…holy freaking hell… the anger! Even now, I know I have a hair-trigger temper at times because her loss put an anger in me that was never there before. Like you, everything went wrong for about seven years after her death…stress after stress after stress….I made horrible decisions too and every time, I felt like XYZ never would have happened if she’d been here, so I COMPLETELY understand what you’re feeling. When I met new people, I felt like I had to explain everything about the effect her death had on me so they could understand why I wasn’t “normal.” But here’s what I’ve learned in the intervening years: the hardest moments in our lives are those when we realize we have a “new normal.” I know I will always have to live with the fact that my life will never be as it was before. I know that I will always have this hole in my heart until I draw my last breath. BUT….there is still happiness to be had in life. I met a wonderful man and had a beautiful wedding. He makes me laugh every day and we have a beautiful life. I have an adorable dog. I’ve traveled the world. I PROMISE you are going to smile again. And you are also going to cry again one day too – but that’s what life is. Be easy on yourself. You’re living a nightmare and you’re allowed to fumble for as long as you need to to get your feet back on the ground. You’ll do it. Hopefully, you and your brother can find a way for this to bring you closer – that’s the one thing that didn’t happen for me with my family. Good luck and best wishes.

  • Lais says:

    My mother is dying right now, she has cancer everywhere and she is blind, the doctor said that soon she will slip into a coma and then quietly pass. Im only 20, i need my mom.. she raised me by herself and i will be alone. She’s my best friend and i can’t bear this. I hate everything i can barely cry and i can’t let go of my pain. She is scared to leave me alone and i am scared to let her go. I need her, she is my rock… without her i will crumble.

    • Jen Busby says:

      Hi Lais, I am so sorry for what you are going through. My mom died in February, and was young as well. This is the toughest thing in the world, but trust that you will discover that you are so much stronger than you ever thought possible. Despite the strength…it hurts, If you ever want to talk to someone, please email me…I will give you my phone number. Jindaley@yahoo.com

  • patty spade says:

    I am so sorry for what you are going through. My mama passed in April and not a day goes by that I don’t miss her and cry. You will be stronger that you ever thought possible. Spend as much time with her that you can. Get in bed and snuggle with her, leave nothing unsaid. Assure her that ….her life was valued, all is forgiven, you will take care of anything that needs done, you will be ok, and you will miss her. She won’t want to leave you so let her know its ok to leave. I stayed day and night for 3 days during the passing process. I am not sure how I did it when I look back because the process was grueling for her dying of COPD. We allowed plenty of morphine so she did not struggle. Only when she was gone, I finally laid across her chest and wept for my mommy. Bless you. You will survive although there will be days that you have doubts. Promise your mom you will be ok and keep your promise. That is what helped me.

  • artina says:

    I lost my mom at the age of 21she died 4-6-06 I’m 28 now I’ve changed since she’s been gone its been very hard for me I’m going thru depression and post tramatic stress disorder and anxeity as well as insomnia I dnt have any support from family and my dad isn’t there for me like he should be I just dnt know how to cope and live with the death of my mother honestly I just wish I had someone to turn to but I don’t so I’m always alone

    • Jess says:

      Artina,

      i am really sorry to hear that, what about some girlfriends? or another family member?
      you need someone to talk to, you can’t go through this pain alone otherwise you will never live the life i’m sure your Mother wanted you to lead.

  • Tammy says:

    I’m so glad I found this post because since my mum died six months ago aged 53 (I am 28), nobody has told me that it’s a normal thing to feel annoyed with people who didn’t know her, for not missing her like I do.

    She and my boyfriend only met once, by the side of her hospital bed. I was living away from home and had arranged to come home for a few days with my boyfriend so that they could meet. She was so excited she even bought new cake stands so we could have an old fashioned tea party. But the day before we arrived she got taken into hospital with a chest infection due to the chemo she’d been having.

    At that point, I didn’t know that her cancer was terminal so I assumed it was the beginning of them getting to know each other.

    Since my mum’s death, my brothers have gone back to their jobs in other countries, my dad has rented out the house to go travelling and I have moved in with my boyfriend and his parents, in a city that I don’t know. I’m finding it really hard to start my new life in a place where I have no family or friends and every time I feel lonely it just reminds me that my mum is gone.

    The hardest part is dealing with my grief alone – my boyfriend has never lost a family member and although he hugs me when I’m upset and says he wants to help, I see the relief in his face when I manage to stop crying and change the subject. I can see he is not that interested when I talk about her and he never asks questions abut her. I know he just wants to avoid a delicate subject but it makes me feel alone.

    I dread any happy events in the future, I know that getting married and having children will be so painful without my mum that I almost feel I never want to do those things. More than anything, I dread having to make new friends in this new town because I feel that to allow people to get to know me I’m going to have to tell them about my mum’s recent death and I can’t bare to do that again and again.

    It does help a little to see that people who write on pages like this share my feelings, but most of all I need practical ideas that will help to deal with these things, like the idea of mentioning a loved one in a wedding programme. What else can I do to let the people around me know how much I miss her and think about her all the time?

  • Lyn says:

    I lost my Gran (my real mother) at your age, 28. I am now 63. I have never got over the loss. I am not saying this to make you more sad, but just to say that after such an event we ourselves change. We are never quite the same. However there are positive things you can do and you will be a better person in many ways. Someone as caring and sensitive as you obviously are can be of great benefit to others. Try to help other people, mainly the old and the young. Even a smile or a wave can brighten up a day. My Gran suffered from depression and I did not understand it at the time. Now I know it affects so many people and I donate very small amounts to a Mental Health charity. Also try to plant a tree(s) in memory of your Mum. Then there is something that will live on for decades. You don’t need to talk about your Mum unless you want to. You can be brief if people ask. Only if YOU feel like talking, then do it. Some people find it helps to talk as it keeps the person’s memory alive and you may find this is true for you. You must remember that we all deal things in our own way and your way for you is the right way. I think it is an excellent idea to mention your Mum in a wedding programme.
    Keep her photo nearby and put flowers near it. As long as you are alive, she lives on. You will never be quite the same person but you don’t have to be. I still break down in tears often but I find the best thing is to keep busy. Make your own life worthwhile and think how proud your Mum would be of you. Please look up “complicated grief” on the internet. There is a lot of help these days. Never, ever be afraid to ask for it. Best of luck in your new town. You will soon be a part of it with friends and a bright future. I wish you well and send my love. You are not alone as you can see from this site which is a great help to all of us. Bless you.

  • Joan says:

    Lyn, I think that is a very thoughtful and helpful post. My mom passed to Heaven just a few minutes after Christmas last year, so I haven’t been dealing with her loss that long….yet it seems like a very long time to me. She was 78, I’m 49. She was an incredible grandmother to my daughters for 12 years and I’m so grateful for that. My mom also suffered with life-long chemical depression so there were a lot of ups and downs, but I’m glad I had every minute with her and I know that with the life she has now, she doesn’t have to suffer from depression anymore. You’re right–the loss of your mom really does change you and there are still days that I cry and feel so much loss. But I truly believe we will all see our mothers again when we pass one day. My best to you and everyone here. -Joan

  • Lyn says:

    Thank you for your kind comments, Joan. One thing I forgot to say which I think may be of help to some of people is that our mothers had many years of life before we were born. There would inevitably have been good times during those years. I saw a picture of my Gran as a young woman recently – one that I had not previously seen. In it, she was in her late 20s. She was with her father, husband and little daughter (my Mum). Gran looked young and happy and I could not stop looking at the photo. It made me realise that, in spite of her depression in later years, she had actually had happy times during her life. There are things we never know about our parents – no reason why we should. We always assume that their lives kind of began when we came along. But if we think about it logically, they had a couple or more decades before we were born. I hope this helps a little bit. Lyn

  • Loree says:

    My mom passed away peacefully on August 17, 2013 – 9 weeks after she fell at home and broke 2 bones in her spine. She turned 91 while in rehab. My father died when I was a child and Mom lived with me my entire life (I am now 56). She was my best friend and a very wonderful mother, although we didn’t always see eye to eye. She was diagnosed with dementia about 5 years ago and the last 2 years have been harder than anything I could have imagined – Mom had all the violent and angry behaviors that can go with dementia. But after her fall, the anger was gone, and I could see glimpses of my wonderful mother – although her dementia was much worse than before she fell. I cried for a week and a half – I swear my tears could have filled Lake Michigan! But since I returned home the other night – first time in my home after the funeral in Wisconsin – and I haven’t shed a tear. I don’t know if it’s because dementia really is the long goodbye, or if some of the grief is already passing. I seem to just be tuning it out. I have no regrets, for which I’m thankful. I always did everything I could to give Mom a good life and I know I’ll see her again when Jesus comes again. Has anyone else lost a mother after caring for them for many years in a journey with dementia?

  • Jess says:

    all of these comments are amazing, you people are just way too strong and your loved ones should be so thankful to have you in their life. god bless you all.

  • patty says:

    I feel your pain. My mama suffered from dementia for over 4 years…starting as “forgetfullness”, repeating herself over and over and lots of “did I already tell you?”. At first it frightened me as I could see I was watching my mom slip from me. I worried about “what if she doesnt remember who I am?” At moms end of life she was in the nursing home and sometimes I believe her dementia was a blessing. She knew me till the end but within 5 minutes of being with her she forgot I was there. She claimed my sister was “never there for a visit” altho she really was. Mom was never mean or agressive, just sweet and loving. I believe alot of moms dementia was from her lack of oxygen due to COPD. The last 2 weeks of her life she was comatose only opeing her eyes and just staring occasionally. Once she opened them and looked at me and said “I am so sorry.” I will never know what that meant but I told her “all is forgiven mom.” I learned that with dementia that I needed to just jump into where ever mom was at the time. If she ask about where her mommy and daddy were, I just told her something that satisfied her emotionally. I lost mom in April and not a day goes by that I don’t think of her and miss her.

  • Puni says:

    hi… my mom died when I was 12… 8 years ago..(2005). Thank you so much for this piece… 12 going 13… now 21… you can imagine the changes that happen in those years, and just wanting to share them with your mom… not having siblings or a father… Its like… who do you turn to…? when talking about the dead is almost a taboo in your culture… or to friends when it seems “you’re stuck in the past”and you’re made to feel guilty for missing and wanting… Today was one of those days… After church, I just went up to my room in the girl’s hostel, luckily my room mate is out for the weekend.. my tear were allowed to flow non-stop… even through typing this, tears running down my face… It brings some sense of comfort to know I am not alone neither am I “STUCK IN THE PAST” as is always the comments from my “friends” but they can never truly understand or comprehend the loss of a mother.

  • patty says:

    I get the same kind of “looks” and comments like”she is in a better place now” however friends will never understand until it is them grieving. I go through the same thing. It seems no one wants to listen to what I feel, they are tired of hearing it. I understand.

  • Gloria says:

    I understand what you are both saying.My mom is gone about two years now, and everyone thinks I should be fine by now.Even friends think enough is enough. Sure, they are kind at first and are always there to listen.However, after awhile you know that they are tired of hearing you talk about the loss of your mom.I hate when people say that she is in a better place or that time heals all wounds.Time can never ease the pain you feel in your heart from losing your mom.Also, you want and need her here.The people on this site do truly understand cause they have all been through the same pain.You can never understand this kind of pain unless you experience it yourself.Don’t say I know how you feel when clearly you don’t have a clue.I do truly understand!! Our pain will never go away!!

    • Lyn says:

      Gloria, I do truly understand too. The pain never leaves us. Bless you – just know you are not alone. This site is a blessing to us all. Lyn

  • Marlene Ross says:

    The bond we have between ourselves and our parents, especially our Mothers, is never broken, even as a result of their death. There are so many examples in my life that I wish my father could have shared with me, but he died when I was very young. To this day I miss him and the beautiful person he was: his wonderful humor, the loving, supportive nature of a man he was to me and others. He loved his family and was a devoted father even more, I think, because his own Mother and Father had died when he was young. It left him with an emptiness and need for the closeness of ‘family’. The same is true for my Mother, who lost her Mother when she was only four…My Mother often talked of wishing she had known more about her Mother and as I was growing up, and even into the recent days of my own Mother’s death, about a month ago, I heard my own Mother call out to her Mother. Her need for ‘Mother’ was always with her. And as each day goes by since her death I think of the things I wish I could ask or tell or share with my Mother. I don’t think this will ever change. We are and will always be a part of our parents, especially our Mothers. My Mother lived to be nearly 108. You might say she was fortunate to have had such a long life and that I was so lucky to have her for so long, but believe me the longer a Mother is with you, the more they are a part of you and the wound is still very, very deep with loss: it leaves a void in your heart that is never replaced. I know that both my Mother and my Father valued much in life and I know they both loved me so I will look toward those same values in life that I share with them and go on in their name to do what I can to take care of myself, my family, contribute to my community and do something to better the world i live in with their blessings and in their name. It is the reason I was born…to live on in their name and memory as best as I can. And I feel that I honor them when I do. Does that mean I will ever forget them, or never shed a tear, or ever miss them: No. It means that I must honor them in every way I can by making each day an even more productive one for myself in their honor.

  • Lisa Adams says:

    Hello everyone…
    For years I have watched this post gather readers. Each day literally hundreds of people looking for advice on how to cope with the death of their mothers and those who just seek validation that their lingering grief is something others have felt too come here to read and share.

    I’ve been quiet from this discussion for years, feeling that those who have experienced this loss could speak to one another without moderation or intrusion. But now I feel I must comment since most of the commenters here are not regular readers of my blog and may not know the new perspective I bring to this conversation.

    Exactly 11 months ago, on October 1, 2012 I was told that my stage II breast cancer, originally diagnosed in December 2006, had metastasized to my bones and lymph nodes. I have therefore been dealing with stage 4 cancer since that time, and will be living with it and the treatments that accompany it until my premature death. At this time my children are 14, 11, and 7. I know many of you here have lost your mothers to this same disease.

    My diagnosis now puts me on the other side of this equation, preparing my own children (including one daughter) for my death someday. Of course I do not know when this will be, but I do know I won’t live to see so many of the milestones in life that we long for in raising children.

    I have been writing about these emotions surrounding my diagnosis, living with this knowledge, the effects of this disease on my family. I would suspect some of your parents may have felt some of these same feelings.

    I want to thank you all for sharing your stories here and for the love you all showed your parents. There is no “right” way to grieve such an intense loss, and despite what others may say or “want,” the feelings of loss never go away.

    I send warm hugs to you all. The death of a loved one is in so many ways the most personal loss, but in that, it is also the most universal.

    • J says:

      Lisa, I am soooo very sorry to hear. My heart truly goes out to you and your family. If it helps as appreciate everyone is different, I thought I’d share a bit more of my story. A final personal message brings great comfort – me, and my brothers each recieved a card / letter from our Mum but my Dad did not for no other reason than she was extremely poorly. My Dad was with her when Mum wrote them – I can see the pain in her hand writing. My Mum did make a note in her Will around should Dad be lucky enough to find another person, she gives her blessing. Small things like taht do make a significant difference beyond the intial loss. My Mum and I

    • J says:

      Lisa, I am soooo very sorry to hear. My heart truly goes out to you and your family. I lost my Mum (21st June ’13) In January ’13 mum was told 6-9 months. In March ’13, Mum’s scan results came back all clear. In April, mum and Dad had an incredible week in Sorrento, Italy, so incredible, they extended to a second week and then again to a third. 1st week of May, they eventually came back – a day earlier than scheduled and mum went straight to hospital and was given 6-8 weeks. The cancer was back and blocking her digestive system – ultimately, Mum was told she was going to starve to death. Mum knew time was precious and going to Italy was a risk, but turned out to be one of the best decisions ever made. Throughout the time when home, she always remained strong… preparing for the worst whilst living every day to its max. We were fortunate to have good weather and Mum spent most of this time sat in the garden, enjoying her family around her. Mum was only bed bound for the final 2 weeks and even right up until the end, was still Mum. I slept in the room with her (and Dad) every night in case it was her last, and the night of the 20th we knew the time had come as Mum’s breathing changed. The morning of the 21st, I woke up, gave her a kiss, told her I loved her and that it was OK to go, as we would be OK and will all be there for each other. I then went downstairs to make a cup of tea and by the time I came back up, she had gone. My Dad was with her for her last breath, she was calm, peaceful and graceful till the very end. In the last 3 months, Mum was also able to enjoy the birth of her first Grandchild, Olivia and celebrate her Christening and celebrate her youngest son’s 21st and also plan her own funeral with us 3 kids – some thought quite morbid, but was a huge relief for everyone. Mum was able to have closure, we were able to be sure everything was as Mum wanted… If i could share one piece of advice with anyone going through this – is to be open, say what you need to say, do what you want to do – love laugh and even cry together. The darkest days are so much more bearable when you know you couldnt do anything more. For you and others preparing from a Mother’s perspective – we found a final personal message brings great comfort to those left behind – me, and my brothers each received a card / letter from our Mum but my Dad did not for no other reason than she was extremely poorly. He reads mine often and wishes he had a personal message too. My Dad was with her when Mum wrote them – I can see the pain in her hand writing. My Mum did make a note in her Will around should Dad be lucky enough to find another person, she gives her blessing. Small things like that do make a significant difference beyond the initial loss. My Mum and I were very pragmatic after we were told the final prognosis that she had only 6-8 weeks, we put emotion aside and put our problem solving hats on – we planned Mum’s funeral together from location / flowers / coffin / colours / music / whether to drive past house or not etc.. so we all knew express wishes and any other decision not spoken about with Mum meant, it really didnt mean that much to Mum so we were OK and wouldn’t ever feel if we did the right thing or not. My Mum prepared me on how I may feel (as she lost her Mum previously) she also spoke about Dad, and his happiness in that he will find someone as is still young and will need someone else etc… It Is hard, so incredibly hard but say all the things you want to say, be as open and even take the outside looking in view. As a family – we all sat around the table and talked about the future / options inc financial arrangements etc.. and even said, this is so surreal and feels like we are talking about another family. And… as weird as it was, it was the right thing to do. Mum had comfort in knowing we would be OK and we had comfort in knowing what Mum thought not just now and before but opinions on future too. I miss my Mum more and more every day. We were two peas out of the same pod. I scare myself when looking in the mirror and my mannerisms as even I think ‘that’s Mum’ but scare isn’t the word really, I find comfort in it – knowing Mum lives on through me. I just want one last hug – that’s not asking for much… Anyway… I am sending you one MASSIVE virtual hug and if you ever want to talk more, please please let me know

  • Lyn says:

    I am so touched to read all these posts. I too have been somewhat irritated by well-meaning people who say that time heals. I have found it does not. Coping with intense grief casts a shadow on our lives. I have 2 close relatives who I consider to be lacking in empathy and emotion and therefore I find it difficult to relate to them although I desperately want to talk to them about my loss – which actually was their loss too. I therefore feel very alone in my grief. Being able to read these posts and write here is a great help to me. Thank you to all of you for sharing your stories.

  • Maggie says:

    I lost my mom last year, next month will be the 1 year anniversary. I was only 20, she died right before all her favorite holidays, I feel my mom all the time but it’s not the same. Reading this and a bunch of the responses has definaty helped somewhat. It still hurts everyday and finally one person told me something I had never heard, they said it never gets better and ull always hurt. I can’t cope with the thought of her death, I mean it was from cancer so we knew, but at the same time do you ever really know? I recently went on a vacation and had my aunt yell at me telling me she’s dead, she’s gone, she’s never coming back. It helped!!! I have to say thank you to all the posts reading about other people feeling the same emptyness that I feel makes me realize I am not alone in this world when it comes to this. No matter the reason of death it will always hurt.

  • Brenda says:

    Today marks three years since I lost my mom. It was a sudden, very unexpected death. She was 78 and I was 38 at he time. I have a brother who was in Afghanistan at the time and my father (they were divorced) was out of town as well. I am married with two boy ages 15 and 4. And have many aunts, uncles and cousins who, while my mom was alive, always remained United and close. However just after my mom died everyone seemed to distance themselves from my husband, kids and me. Those Sundays when everyone got together , birthdays, thanksgiving ….all days that where full of family laughter and love, gone. My mother was a very strong and proud woman. She was my rock, my backbone, my best friend, my entire life and mostly my mom. She watched me give birth to my two boys and comforted me as I buried my baby boy who was stillborn. When she died a huge part of me died with her. Having family members who surrounded you since you were little all of a sudden stop coming around because “seeing me was to painful as I reminded them of her” only made the wound that much deeper. The pain never goes away. The void never fills and the longing for just one more day, hour even minute remains as intense as it was three years ago. I am sorry for all of you feeling this way and if I can ever do anything to help you get through at least an hour without feeling alone let me know. I have wished for someone to be there for me on so many occasions but my father has a whole new life, my brother is a Colonel in the Army and a Doctor as well with a very busy life and my husband lost his parents at a young age but instead of understanding he gets mad and doesn’t understand why I cry, or why I’m depressed. He is a very cold person so basically I’m alone…Thank you all for sharing your stories that let people like me know that we Aren’t Alone afteralll

  • Chantal Allison says:

    Brenda, I lost my mom in June. She was only 62 and I’m 39. I have dealt with depression all of my life so this was a huge blow. It made my depression and anxiety attacks so much worse. I am seeing a counsellor on a weekly basis now and will begin a grief support group next month. I find the counselling is helpful because it gives you someone to talk to and vent to. You may email me anytime if you like. I think we are similar. allisocl@gmail.com

  • L. says:

    MAMAMAMAMAMAMA!!!!!!! :-(

  • J says:

    Hi, I’m 29 and lost my Mum in June ’13. She was just 47 and battled cancer for 18 months. I lived with her and even worked with her – and was with her till her very last breath at home. She was my best friend and role model and I am having the same thoughts when I see people get married and have babies around how I will be able to without her. My brother had a baby in March (Mum and Dad’s 1st grandchild) and I was fortunate to see and hear Mum’s advice to my brother in the short time before she passed, so I can hold that dear for if/when the time comes I should have a baby too. My brother also got married in August and although we hoped and prayed Mum would have been there, in the cermony my Dad read out A parent’s prayer on behalf of both him and my Mum. We had 1 single sunflower (Mum’s fav) at the top table and both the Father of the Bride speech and Best Man speech made tribute to my Mum – but not sad and morbid, happy memories esp in recognition of how Mum had shaped my brother (Groom). It was emotional but beautiful day and couldnt have been more perfect (that is in Mum’s absence)! So… my message to you is it can be done – a Mother-Daughter bond is different, and how I will be on my wedding day will certainly be different but I know she will be there through me – my heart and memories. The day after Mum’s funeral, my Dad gave me a letter from her and it is so far, the only thing getting me through and so I thought by sharing, it may help some of you too as I’m sure your Mothers thought the same about all you wonderful daughters too: To my amazing doughter who I love beyond words – I love being your Mother and it’s my privilege to witness who you’ve grown up to be. You are your own person, and I get to see what you choose to do with your time and talents. You may have started small and helpless in my arms, but now I know you are capable of so much. It has inspired me to watch you grow brilliantly into yourself. I have always had such high hopes for you, and you continue to exceed them with the incredible person you are. When I look at you, I see years of memories and decades of potential. You have already changed my world in spectacular ways, and now I see you impact the rest of the world in wonderful ways as well. I am honoured to be your mother. But though I see the best parts of you, please know I never expect you to be perfect… no one is. I am just so glad that you are perfectly you. A mother couldnt ask for more. Stay strong and know I will always be there for you to help you make that decision when needed – just ask yourself the question and the answer will be the same as mine – as we are so alike!!! I am so proud of you. Be happy please and enjoy life – you deserve it. I dont know what I would have done without you these last 18months. Nanight, godbless and see you in your dreams xxxxxx

  • L. says:

    You all know this. I am just knowing, more and more, I am knowing this.. I will never see my sweet Mama again…. I am so sad.. so so so sad…. MAMAMAMAMAMAMA :-(

  • Jen says:

    I liked your article..although it came up in a google search I did, I was looking for how to let go. My mum died 8 years ago from terminal cancer. My sister and i nursed her through it, stayed up through the night while she was in pain with her, she was v strong and pushed through a lot of pain to keep going. However, my dad could not be with her, he shut himself off and never spoke of his feelings til she died, she also never spoke of how she felt. We had to hold our pain in when she was alive and I was fairly depressed for 2 yrs as she fought the disease. When she did die i had to return to work and pushed through the pain not really dealing with it. I don’t know if I went through the stages of grief, but i do know that when i started feeling depressed 3 months after she died the dr put me on anti depressants. Ever since every xmas time (around the time she died) I feel depressed, pretty much from oct/no/dec/jan/feb and struggle. Last year I decided no more numbing, I didn’t take any medication and spent 7 month struggling with feeling awful and unable to work, anxiety set in too. It eventually lifted in May and I am now in a strange place of wondering how I let go…I have had 4 bouts of counselling and have started crying and talking through what happened. But i was 23 when she died, had just started my first full time job and bought a house and moved away from home. I want to carry mum with me, but not repeat the grief every year for 5 months. Anyone any suggestions?

  • S says:

    I want to reach out my hand to everyone here who is grieving and tell you all that you are not alone. I lost my beautiful mother just over 3 weeks ago on August 23rd, 2013. I am 35, and she was 75. I never truly understood the loss and pain that would come with losing my mother. I had contemplated that she wouldn’t be around forever, she had me later in life, and was that bit older than the parents of my peers, but I never really grasped the concept of losing her. Now my grief is all encompassing. The bond I shared with her was immense. My mother was an amazing person; I loved her so, so, very much. I still love her – that will never leave me. I can honestly say I will never be the same again after losing her.
    In 2006 my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer, she had a mastectomy and underwent chemo and radiotherapy. She battled that cancer with dignity and showed such an enormous strength of character. Unfortunately on 22nd December 2009 she then suffered a stroke. I was devastated. Once again she showed us all how it was done and battled like the trooper she was. She always used to say ‘this too will pass’, she often said it to me when I was going through a little drama in my life – absolutely insignificant to what she was suffering. There were good and bad days since the stroke, on the bad days she used to say to me, “You know, this too will pass”. She never complained, she adored life, nature, and people. She was always so interested in everyone else, and she didn’t dwell on her illness.
    This past summer mum hadn’t been so well, she seemed more tired and lethargic. On 19th July she got a pain in her right side when she was out shopping. On the 23rd July she went to her GP and he took her blood. Over that next week she was quite unwell, sleeping a lot and had a poor appetite. On the 29th July, I took her to hospital, as she didn’t seem to be improving. It turned out that the blood results had came back and they showed abnormal liver function. She had numerous tests and scans that week in hospital and on Friday 2nd August we got the devastating news that mum had secondary cancer from the breast in the liver, and that it was incurable. We were given a prognosis of 4-6 months, but just three weeks later on August 23rd my beautiful mother passed away in hospital.
    I was with my mum almost constantly in the final few weeks of her life, and I was there with her when she died. She was talking to me up until a couple of hours before she passed. Her only concern was me, saying things like “this isn’t fair on you pet”. In her final hours she was still loving me and caring for me.
    Life has now stopped for me. I feel like I want to be with my mother, although I would never do anything to harm myself. Home was my mother and I feel like going home. I know I have to embrace living again, but I’m not sure how to do that. I just got married last year, and my husband and I were trying for a baby these last few months, but now I feel like how can I be a mother without my mother?
    For everyone who has lost a parent or someone close, I am so, so sorry. I can say that now and truly feel it – before it was just words

  • Joan says:

    Hello “S”,

    Gosh, I just read your post and wanted to respond because I can relate so much to what you are feeling. We lost my mom a few minutes after Christmas last year, and she too had cancer that spread to her liver. Once it spread she was only here a few more weeks. She was 78…I am 49. I know what you mean when you say, “Mom was home” and you long for that feeling of “home”. I do, too….even though I have my own home, husband and almost 12-year old daughters. I simply cannot drive past my mom’s previous house or apartment. I guess my point is that it’s normal and understandable for you to feel this way. It sounds like you had the same kind of closeness with your mom that I had/have with my mom (as do a lot of women who post here.) You did a LOT for your mom and undoubtedly gave her happiness and peace of mind. As far as trying to have children, I can understand how that prompts you to miss your mom, too. My husband and I didn’t have our twins until we were 37, and I consider myself EXTREMELY fortunate that my girls had almost 11 years with their incredible Grandma Sue who lived only 10 minutes away! Given the role model you had I’m sure you would make a great mom and your mother would be very happy about that. If you’d ever like to e-mail me, please feel free to do so! jeffandjoan@hotmail.com Take care, Joan

  • Helen says:

    This is a reply to everyone who has posted. Thank you all for sharing about your loss. My Mum died last month, on 14th August 2013, which happened to be her 89th birthday. Of course there were lots of tears, and I drove to her funeral feeling as if I was driving to my own execution. But once the funeral was over, I thought I was coping fairly well. But the last few days, a month on, I have woken every morning with a terrible sense of dread and fear and a hard rock in my stomach the size of a boulder that won’t go away. And today I have just been sobbing and howling and rocking…. which is what sent me online to find something that might help. And I found all of you.

    I’m 56 but I feel like an ‘orphan’. My Dad died 20 years ago, and now Mum has gone, I know no-one will love me unconditionally again.

    Mum had a massive stroke three years ago, and had been in a nursing home since, and sadly she was unable to speak beyond an affirmative sound when you asked if she was OK/comfy/warm enough…. I would have loved to have been able to talk to her in her last years, but all I could do was go to help her eat lunch every day, clean her nails, brush her hair, massage her feet…

    A friend sent me a poem by Olivia McCannon which I read at her funeral. I would recommend her anthology ‘Exactly My Own Length’ as sometimes only poetry can sum up the love, pain, memories, gratitude, regret… well, the list is endless, isn’t it?

    Thanks all xx

  • Elaine Young says:

    I read your post over breakfast this morning. I haven’t “logged in” for months and don’t know why I did today. Your post was very moving and I can empathize with your thoughts, especially the loss of your Mum’s unconditional love. I lost my darling Mum in June 2012 and I miss her love and support so much. She was 87, yet as bright, wise and supportive as she ever was. It’s the finality that shocks me on a daily basis. Also, I don’t have much support from my family who think I should be over it by now. Luckily I have some wonderful friends who have been unbelievably kind. I wish I could say it gets better, and in some ways it does, but in other ways it doesn’t. Yes, the rawness eases but, like you, I feel I am carrying this huge burden every day and I liken it to a volcano. It lies dormant for a while, just simmering under the surface and then it erupts. I hate the fact that life is going on without her and she’s missing so much. A lot has happened in our family in the 15 months since Mummy died and I would give anything to hear her thoughts, ask her advice and talk things through with her. There is so much that she’ll never know and that is hard as she was so interested in and loved her family so much. I knew it would be unbearable, but nothing can prepare one for the emptiness. My thoughts are with you.

  • Elaine Young says:

    I too lost my Mum to pulmonary fibrosis (a disease I’d never heard of before she was finally diagnosed about 4 years ago). We lost Mummy 15 months ago but it wasn’t really the PF that she died of. Oh no. The UK hospital she was taken to after a slight fall, decided after x raying her lungs, that she wasn’t worth saving and put her on the controversial Liverpool Pathway for the Dying (something else we had never heard of). They withdraw all medical intervention, including liquids and basically the patient dies of dehydration and organ failure with 39 hours. There was a monetary incentive for hospitals to put terminally ill patients on this Pathway to free up beds. We should have fought against this decision but at the time we were ignorant. It was so distressing for Mummy and us that I complained after it was all over and the geriatrician now no longer practises this course. I could not save my own mother but I hope my actions have saved others from the distress we endured. We might not have had Mummy for too much longer; perhaps only a few more months, but every day with her was precious. She was by no means house bound or in acute discomfort with the PF but it was obviously worsening. We feel totally let down by the National Health Service here in the UK and worst of all, we feel we let our darling Mum down just when she was st her most vulnerable. Sorry Mummy.

    • Maria Roma says:

      Hi Elaine, so sorry about your mum. I think my mum died in similar circumstances but in Mexico only twenty days ago and I’ve been thinking that had she been here in the UK she would have been ok but reading your post made me wonder. Can I ask how old was your mother when she died? Thanks. Maria

  • Naomi Hawkins says:

    Our mother died 6 weeks ago of cancer, she had been ill for only 4 months. My younger sister and I took care of her. I am in London, she is on the south coast, as is my Dad. I spent a lot of time at my sister’s house as I relied on her for somewhere to stay.
    My sister is very highly strung at the best of times, and during the last month before our mum passed away she was very stressed and became very agitated and distant from me, accusing me of all kinds of crazy things…my response was always very calm and caring, i wanted her to know that however much she lashed out at me that i would be there for her. After the funeral I came back to London and I have not heard one word from her since. She has since told our Dad (not me, directly) that I am no longer welcome at her house or indeed in the street where she lives. She does not want any contact with me. What is going on? I will be visiting her street very shortly – this is not the problem as it is a free country – but what should I do? Is she angry at me or at my mother and the situation? She is very strong willed and does not like facing situations, so once she decides that someone has done her wrong then that is it. My Dad is wondering what is going on and feels very depressed about the situation. He thinks she has ‘lost it’ and that we should just forget about her until she gets over the grief.
    I personally do not need this added layer of stress, worrying about my sister whilst grieving for my mother at the same time.
    Any suggestions?
    I realise that certain events in life can bring out extreme reactions. My sister and I both had a very good relationship with my mother. I am the ‘calm’ one and she is very fiery, her life is extreme, she drinks and parties a lot and also her daughter has just left for University.
    Perhaps we saw too much of each other – which is inevitable – but does this make me an evil person? It is as if she is deflecting her anger about something else onto me? My Dad has stated that he does not believe that I did all the things she suggested…the truth is, I didn’t.

  • Eve McNeal says:

    This article made me cry. I lost my mom on the 31st of January 2013.. I am only 20 years old and I have two sisters that are 13 and 15, and a brother that is 17. She was only 38 too. Her and my stepdad got in a car accident in Texas and the car blew up which killed them both. I miss my mom, so much. I have had no motivation to do anything even though I was so strong before. I wasn’t with her in Texas because me and my brother decided to stay in Illinois. I feel so alone and just wish for answers. I wish she could be here to just boost me up and tell me everything will be okay. This helped me a lot, but I just wish somehow she could magically come back.

    • J says:

      Hi Eve, just wanted to reassure you that you are not alone. I know it can feel that way and what you have had to go through is heartbreaking, I really do feel for you but please know there is always someone to talk to and can help ‘boost you up’ Although I am lucky to have a wonderful family and friends close by, I still felt and often feel alone as they cannot relate and there isnt an easy way to share my true feelings with them as they will never understand fully. However, the wonderful people on here and kind heartfelt words have made me feel more ‘normal’ and less alone in this as they can truely empathise. Stay strong lovely, things will always be different now but you can feel happy again, and hold onto all of the good memories as they will keep you strong in time x

  • Raychelle says:

    I lost my mother on the 18th. She was in a stroke-induced coma for the past couple of days prior to her passing. I am angry and devastated. I can’t seem to cry… perhaps from shock?

  • Nicole says:

    I lost my mom 2 months ago (July 14th). When she first died I was in so much pain & shock. For some reason I searched all over google for somthing to help me feel a little better & i found this website. Over the past 2 months , this post& the comments from everyone who lost their mother’s also has helped me so much. Even though we all may be different ages, lost our moms in different way, or if we lost her yesterday or 20 years ago, everyones post& story helps. I lost my mom to accidental overdose ( anti-depressants & generic cold medication) . She left beind my 6 year old sister and I (18). Every since my mom has passed everything else has gone down hill , i dont know why but I really have been having terrible luck since she has gone. I hate being so young & having all this stress in my life . I just really want my mom back :/ .

    • Helen says:

      Oh, Nicole, how hard to lose your Mum when she was so young, and you and your sister are so young. Do you have any support? Dad? Other family? Counsellors? I really feel for you. Please keep in touch.

      Helen xx

      • Nicole says:

        Helen,
        My sister and I do not talk to our dad, but we have my grandparents. We have always lived with them . They have also been like 2nd parents to be so im atleast lucky to have them.

    • J says:

      I can soooo relate – Im 28 and lost my Mum 3 months ago (she was just 47), since then my cousin aged just 40 was diagosed with prostate cancer, I was made a redeployee so although employeed have no purpose, my Dad has already started a new relationship and my brother and his new wife are about to move to America to live for good (with my 7 month old neice). So much to deal with – I often feel a mess. It hasnt helped that I was diagnosed with boarderline ovarian tumour when just 21 and had one of my ovaries removed and although I have had clear results ever since, I went to my annual check up on Monday. It was the 1st one without Mum as she insisted on coming to every one. I often told her no need – oh for gods sake Im nearly 30 etc… but this was the 1st time I really needed her there. I was told everything looked normal, which was such a relief but all I wanted to do was tell my Mum the news. I cried all the way home from the hospital and drove straight to her grave and just sat in the car. I know there are going to be so many more times (good, bad and ugly) where we will want our Mum’s by our sides and can’t. It is just so unfair

      • Jamie says:

        I lost my mom when I was 25; suddenly on her bday shortly before Christmas. It has been over 5 years, but there is so much I want to ask her, tell her, just to have her with me all of the time. I am grateful for the mother I had, which has forever left an impact on me. I have two children, a degree, and a good life, but her physical presence would make me a saner person. I miss her all the time; I just want my mom. I cry by myself when I can. I take comfort in knowing that I know what is right because of her.

  • LORENA LOPEZ says:

    I lost my mom 6 years ago to cancer. At the time I was 27 years of age and my mom was 50. I have had an extremely hard time coping with her loss. My mom took her very last breath and passed away right in front of me. Anything that reminds me of her breaks my heart immensely. Til this very day, I cry like I cried the day I lost her. If anyone mentions her name, I can’t help myself and begin to cry and can’t stop crying. I saw a picture of her yesterday and I’m still crying today. Is this normal. Do I need help???

    • Gloria says:

      Hi Lorena,
      I also lost my mom to cancer.It was two years ago, and I still cry a lot.Yes it is normal for us to cry as we remember our moms.They were and still are a major part of our lives.They are our moms, our best friend and no one can ever replace them.Their love for us was special , just like our love for them.I know that people say that time heals, but that is not always true.In fact, I hate that expression.Time can never heal the pain I feel from the loss of my mom.I will never be the same.A major piece of my heart is missing, and nothing will ever fill that.If you feel like crying, then you should cry.If you wish to talk about her, then you should do that.You should do whatever feels right to you.I know that most people feel that two years or six years is a long time to grieve.Those people are not us.I don’t listen to the opinions of others.Many of those people still have their moms, so they do not understand how we feel.They don’t have a clue as to how we feel.I miss my mom more today than even when she first left me.At times, the pain seems unbearable.We just learn to cope.We will smile again.We may never feel completely happy without them, but we will cope.I truly understand how you feel.Everyone on this site understands.We have all been through the same loss.Believe me, it is completely normal how you feel.
      Take Care and please post again and let me know how you are doing.I will do the same.

  • Lyn says:

    Having read so many posts here, I just want to say to everyone on it, there is no normal time for grieving to end. For me it has not ended in 35 years and it never will. When you are very close to somebody they are a part of you for the rest of your life. With that closeness comes immense sadness at their passing. Never, ever feel you are odd or that there is something wrong with you when your grief stays with you. It is as if a part of you has died, which is what it is. Your loss will change you. Do not discuss it with others who do not understand. You will probably, somewhere along the way, find a kindred spirit – someone who understands how you feel because they have experienced the same thing. That is what is so wonderful about this site as there is sympathy, understanding and comfort to be found here. You are NOT weak if you break down. On the contrary, you are a caring, compassionate human being.

  • Alice says:

    Helen, KNOW that your Grandparents love you very much–they’ve raised you & your sister, & that shows proof of their love!
    No, not the same as your Momma’s love.
    Personally, I would suggest a committed, serious RELATIONSHIP with JESUS CHRIST. HOW anyone goes through this life without HIM, I will never know, nor understand.
    My Momma was ALWAYS worried about me (juvenille diabetes for 49+ years now). LORD showed me only about a week ago: Momma is NO longer worried about me! For me, that is the BIGGEST RELIEF!! Now, she IS at PEACE & REST!! In her NEW HOME in HEAVEN.
    Appreciate you G-Parents; & show them that as well. They are a blessing as well.
    Simple question: would it be possible to speak with your Dad?? Don’t know your situation, but maybe not…

  • Amy Creagh says:

    Thank you for your questions comments and suggestions. My mother died in March 2013. I feel myself thinking deeper into the grief process with the excitement of getting married. So many memories and emotions.

  • Alice says:

    Amy Creagh, Take the wonderfully good memories & emotions with you–throughout life! They WILL help you. What would we do if we didn’t have WONDERFUL MEMORIES & EMOTIONS about OUR LOVED ONES GONE HOME TO HEAVEN!
    God bless you & yours!

  • Kimberly says:

    I just recently loss my mom (8/25/2013). I never thought it would literally feel as if my heart is breaking. I am so confused and experiencing so many mood swings. I feel if it wasn’t for my kids I would fall apart. My mom was my everything. It was just her and I, we depended upon each other. I could call on her for ANYTHING. We argued and made up like best friends. I feel so empty and so alone. I cant sleep and most days its a struggle just to get out of bed. Time……everyone says in time. But I’m hurting so bad

    • Gloria says:

      Kimberly, my heart goes out to you.I understand exactly how you feel.I lost my mom on May 11th, 2011.I realize it is over two years now, but my pain never goes away.My mom was also my best friend.We were everything to each other.Sure, people say that time heals.Most of those people still have their moms, so they don’t have a clue as to how it feels to lose your mom.The pain can be unbearable at times, especially around special occasions. In time, you learn to cope.You will know that your kids need you, and you will go on for them.My husband and son keep saying they need me, which does help.I know my mom would want me to be there for them.She loved both of them so much, as well as me. It will not be easy but you will learn to cope.You may even smile again.You may never be completely the same, cuz a major part of you is missing.The site here does help, as everyone here is facing the same loss as you.They understand, as some of even your closest friends may not.They need to feel the same loss to understand.I truly understand.I miss my mom more than anyone can ever know.Please keep in touch and post again.I care and I understand.

  • Laurie says:

    Hey Jude…. I just wanted to say that.. Hey Jude…
    You’re not alone… and now, when we all hum the song…. we will think of you, surrounding you with warmth…
    Oh, our loved Mamas….

  • Laura says:

    Thank you so much for your blog, it is really helping me through “breast cancer awareness month,” I have a really hard time with all the pink ribbons and not enough focus on patients with advanced breast cancer. I lost my mother in September 2012 to MBC and can really relate to all of your posts, especially this one. As a daughter, and a nurse (and soon to be nurse practitioner) it was extremely hard to watch someone I loved so deeply go through 15 months of hospitalizations and doctors appointments. After my mom got diagnosed she was really pushing for me to get pregnant, but at the time I was finishing my BSN so I waited, and I am now 30 years old and 18 weeks pregnant and decided to do so before getting married. A lot of people have their opinions of why I should get married first, and even after I explain to them how hard it is for me to plan a wedding without my mother (who was my best friend) there and how I am still very much grieving, a lot of people still do not understand. My fiance has been great, he was there throughout the whole time I was my mom’s caregiver, but like your post said you can’t expect someone to understand the loss fully, as it’s not their loss it’s yours. I just thank you for helping me cope by reading this post and others, and if there is anyway I can help you in return don’t hesitate to email me. Take care.

  • Lynn smith says:

    How do you cope when your mum has died with the guilt of being awful to your her for no good reason and not talking or seeing her for a year and not letting her see her grandchildren. She tried so hard to see me but my pride got in the way and I refused.

    • Laurie says:

      That is a hard feeling to have. My dad died decades ago when I was a rebellious teen.. it took me 20 years to really feel that he knew I loved him. The important thing is first to forgive yourself.. you may have had your reasons…. or just may not have learned the important lesson that life teaches us.. Life is short, and some things just aren’t worth carrying around. Be extra kind to others.. know that when you say good-bye, it might be the last time you see them. Every time you are extra kind, remember your mother. We don’t know if there is any afterlife… some people say every time we remember someone, it is a form of reincarnation. we bring to this life their memory. When you have learned your lesson on this, and are kind, remember your mother and pat your heart… teach your children that life is short, that love is precious and should not be taken for granted. Appreciate love. Guilt has no purpose unless you learn from it.

  • Melanie says:

    It’s been 8 months since I lost my mother and today would have been her birthday. I never realized I would miss her so much, and for so long. People say it gets better…maybe it does? Thank you for this post, and to all of the other commenters for their stories.

  • Hcddlh says:

    My mother died today after battling breast cancer for nearly 15 years, I’m 20 and I’m the oldest of four, she was a single mother. I pray for strength to carry on and care for my siblings. Thanks for your post, it’s been calming.

  • Alice says:

    So very sorry to hear of your Mother’s passing on. Very difficult days ahead for you & you siblings. I’ve had several close losses during my life–my Mom the most recent. If it were not for the HOLY SPIRIT of GOD, I NEVER would’ve made it! Don’t know how people who do not have JESUS as their LORD & SAVIOUR, can cope.
    Hopefully, you all have a home church to help you all with the coming days. If not, I would advise you all to do so.
    Is there anyone to help with your Mom’s arrangements? Local funeral home will be glad to help, as well I’m sure.
    LOVE each other up really well–LOTS of hugs, encourage each other that it will get better. And, it will take awhile. Take it one day at a time! (Sometimes, moment by moment.) Be assured that your Mother would’ve GLADLY stayed with you all–if she’d had a choice. ALL of you need each other very deeply now. Do NOT put ANYTHING/ ANYBODY ahead of FAMILY! I…AM…SERIOUS!! ALWAYS, FAMILY FIRST!!
    Personally, I enjoy solid CHRISTIAN MUSIC–CONTEMPORARY mostly; but many of the old hymns are precious–SOUND, WISE WORDS in them. There are mnay CHRISTIAN RADIO stations ON–FM & some AM! Tunemin!
    You’re all in my prayers, & will ad you to church prayer chain; will inform Family & friends of your deep loss… KEEP THE FAITH–sometimes, that’s all we got left.
    In CHRIST JESUS (WHO is a JEW!!),
    Alice
    ALLOW Others to help–long as you TRUST them.

    • Hcddlh says:

      Thank you for your prayers! God will help us get through this :)

      My aunts and uncles, as well as my grandfather took care of everything, we’re a big family. It hurts in a way it cannot be described, but we will be fine in due time.

  • Alice says:

    AMEN, little Sister! KEEP BELIEVING, KEEP TRUSTING! Family really does need to pull together through this. IN HIS NAME!

  • Lyn says:

    I have been reading a wonderful website. It is http://www.connect.legacy.com
    I suggest people on this site read what it has to say on there as it is very helpful.

  • I am a hospice nurse who works in a facility. My mother had chronic obstructive pulmonary disease, high blood pressure, and dementia. She fell backwards one evening, landing on my daddy who was trying to get the bedside commode for her. Tests could not reveal exactly what caused the fall, but when she came home, she could no longer walk, sit up, or feed herself. We had her admitted with the hospice where I work. After a few days, we had her come into our facility for pain and medication management. Thirteen days later, on October 11, 1013, she passed away at age 80. I am 55 and am an only child. I am married with three grown sons and two granddaughters. I am also a Christian and have the hope of seeing her again in Heaven. Without that hope, I would be devastated. But I still feel like a scared little girl. She was always there for me. I miss her terribly, and I feel so alone. I sometimes cannot comprehend that she is really gone. But I do praise God that she is no longer in pain, she is no longer tormented and terrified by dementia, and her lungs are clear as she is breathing in heavenly air. My emotions are like a roller coaster. I am glad to have found this site. I think expressing our feelings to one another is a step in the direction of healing. Praying for each other is also helpful in our healing process. My dread now is returning to work, to the very place where my mother spend her last 13 days on earth. I dread seeing my patients go through the same stages of dying that my mother went through. I dread trying to help their families with their grief when my own grief is so fresh and overwhelming. I am taking some time off to deal with my bereavement but am scheduled to go back to work December 1, 1013. I desire your prayers, and I will pray also for you.

  • Faye says:

    Donna, So sorry for your loss of your Mother. It is a horrible thing to have happen–but there is no other way. My Mom passed August 20, 2013 (breast cancer since ’06, with mets to the liver since ’09). Was BLESSED to be able to have her back here with me (from hospice unit) for one week. I miss her terribly…
    Will pray for you as well. (I came across this site one day, quite by accident, attempting to find some answers–from the LORD!)

  • Loree says:

    I can relate to your comments. I’m 56, single and had been caring for my mother, who had late stage dementia, in my home for the last 6 years. She fell on 6/14 and fractured 2 vertebrae. After a week in the hospital, she went to rehab for 6 weeks and then onto hospice for the last 5 days. She passed away on 8/17 with 2 wonderful hospice nurses by her side.

    It’s been just over 4 months since she was at home and it feels empty. I work at home, so her absence is very real to me every minute of my day. It’s been just over 2 months since she passed. I certainly still have my moments – in fact I had a good cry this morning, but it no longer feels as raw as it first did.

    Like you, I’m thankful she is no longer suffering or experiencing dementia – it frightened her like nothing ever had before. But she was still my Mom, my best friend and I will always have an empty spot in my heart longing for her. Also like you, I am a Christian and I know I will see her again, along with my father who died when I was a child.

    I have recently been going through pictures on my computer and pulling good ones of Mom into a folder so I can perhaps make a timeline of Mom’s life – from a baby to 91 – kind of a way to document her life and experiences. It has been very therapeutic. Sometimes I cry, but I’m now starting to smile more as I look at the photo’s.

    There were so many patients at the rehab facility who were envious of Mom and the fact that she had a daughter who spent time with her every day. I had full intentions of continuing to visit with some of those lonely patients, but I’ve not been able to drag myself back there. I did visit with one of her dinner companions, another 91yo single woman who is now back at home (although should not be living alone!) and it was difficult – so many reminders.

    I did look at the connect/legacy webside another reader suggested and there are groups to meet specific needs – including one for those of us who were caregivers to our Mom with dementia. I also took advantage of 2 sessions with a grief counselor which was helpful.

    It will be difficult to go back to work at the facility, but hopefully the other workers will be understanding. Perhaps it could be considered a legacy of sorts – helping others in honor of your Mom. Bless you for working with people at end of life. I never knew what special people hospice workers were until they cared for Mom.

    My God bring all of us comfort as we grieve our beloved mothers.

  • Margaret says:

    I lost my mom 3 years ago at age 84. An extremely classy lady, quick witted, humorous, very learned and made you feel as though you were the most important person in the room. She was my mentor, closest ally, my confidant and my life long best friend — and I miss her every hour of every day – immensely. The feeling never goes away…it just gets more distant. Funny thing, when I pray once in a while at night to give mom an update – I seem to get a ‘sign’ the next day that she received my message! I truly feel her spirit around me. And for that I’m grateful…we’re not alone, we have each other, and of course, as always – our moms.

  • Joan says:

    Hi Sylvia,
    I am sorry you are going through so much pain. I lost my mom to lung cancer Christmas of last year…about 10 months ago. I miss her every minute. I would really, really encourage you to speak to a grief counselor on a regular basis to help you get through this. I have, (through hospice), and it has helped me a lot. Is that something you would consider? -Joan

    • Sylvia B says:

      Hi Joan,
      Thank you for responding. I am looking into this. I had been looking for a grief support group but could not find one local, so I thought I would check with Hospice.

  • Irma says:

    Where’s Mom?

    she’s everywhere…
    she’s in the wind that blows through your hair… her soul is the shooting star that lights-up across the darkened sky… she’s the flower in full bloom… she’s the butterfly that seemed to linger just a little too long… she’s the the shadow that you swore you just saw out of the corner of your eye… she’s present when you swear you just caught a whiff of her favorite perfume.

    but, most of all, she’s in your heart!

  • Lori says:

    My beautiful mother passed away on October 4th after suffering from hepatopulmonary syndrome. The end came quickly, but she had not been herself for 3 years.

    We spent her last days surrounded by her siblings and all of our immediate family. We didn’t bother with the “let’s be quiet, she’s in the ICU”. We laughed, sang, told stories… I would help her leave the same way if I had to do it over again. It’s beautiful to think about – even though so very painful.

    My fear is that this hollowness won’t ever go away. In some ways I don’t want it to – but in some ways I don’t like the idea of living with this pain. My mother wouldn’t want me to hurt everyday. I had a friend tell me that his dad had died 16 years ago, but that they still had daily conversations. He was still his dad and that the lessons he had taught him never went away.

    So I’m hanging on to that. It’s not that I don’t have a mother anymore – it’s just that our relationship has been forced to change.

  • Helen says:

    I wanted to post this poem by an English poet Olivia McCannon:
    Nothing I Can Do

    There is nothing I can do
    I have fiddled with your pillows
    Adjusted the angle of the bed
    Stroked your head
    Held your hand and hoped for a squeeze
    Covered you with blankets
    Taken them off again
    Changed your sheets
    Changed your nightie
    Tried you with water
    Milk tea coffee juice
    Dabbed rosewater on your neck
    Brushed your hair
    Kissed your cheek
    Talked to you
    Asked you questions questions
    Are you in pain
    Are you worse
    Are you comfortable
    Are you okay
    I don’t know what the answer is
    I tidy the pills you’ve stopped taking
    I make a hot-water bottle for your feet
    I put on some music
    I light a candle
    I hold your hand
    I weep
    There is nothing I can do.

    • Virginia Rosell says:

      My mother passed away Aug 5th 2013 and I gave birth to my son Aug 23 2013. I am happy to say i did spend all the time i could with her and we did get to cuddle in bed together and she got to feel him wiggling around and kicking. That is the most precious memory I will have of us together. She as well as most of your mothers, and her mother, got what we called the “c word.” She was diagnosed with bile duct cancer last Sept 2012. Since this topic is so fresh I am more pissed that she got this nasty disease at such a young age more than anything. My heart is forever broken I am deeply sorry you ladies lost such an important person in your life and that i can soon find peace with what had happened.
      I said the other day I am so happy we always have had the most amazing relationship. She is honestly my best friend.

  • Faye says:

    Thank you, Helen…

  • Camt says:

    i lost my mom on 28/10/2013 at age 63. she just died that afternoon no one knows what really happened but she was perfectly fine the doctor said it was hypertension. i dont know where to strart am 27 and a mom of two. being the last born i was soo attached to her. on that particular morning i had spoken to her over the phone, am married and live far away from her and she was fine and so happy as we spoke on the phone, the news of her death came as a shock just 4 hours after our conversation. i never knew death was this hard. i dont know how am going to pull through the next years of my life without her, but am trying to be strong outwardly for the sake of my father and daughters but inside am crumbling i had so many plans for her was actually planning on buying her a car and renovating her house with my siblings of cause we going to do that for our dad. life is hard now i understand.

  • Faye says:

    So sorry for your loss of your Mom. Yes, it is very hard. You can find your WAY through this–as we all must. Always recall how special your conversation with Mom that morning. Would suggest a Personal Relationship with JESUS CHRIST. (Please do not take offense.) Allow your Spouse & children to help see you through this as well. Take care, & The LORD bless & keep you & yours.

  • Faye says:

    Virginia, Very sorry for your loss of your Mom as well. Yes, the “c” has taken MUCH away from us…I agree it was EXTRA SPECIAL to be able to cuddle with our PRECIOUS MOMS, even for a short time. My AMAZING, REMARKABLE MOM passed August 20, 2013. I miss her very much! And look forward to REUNION DAY, someday–soon.

  • Yvette says:

    Hi,
    I lost my mum 8 years ago to cancer and i now only have my dad. I tried my wedding dress on this morning for the first and i was totally fine but for a split minute i did have to take a big gulp as i did want to cry.
    Then as i was walking home all i wanted to do was sob my heart out. Whn i tried the dress on and looked iver to the chair where mums & family would sit but all i wanted was to see my mums face. My mother loved my partner dearly and always wanted us to get married.
    I have been fine for so long and have’nt cried in a very long time but today it felt like my mum had just passed away. I came across your sight whist searching for answers and i just wanna thank you. You have explained things beautifly and i now know that this is going to be one if many small breakdowns,lol.Thank you for making the grief alittle bit more bearable.xx

  • Faye says:

    Laura, So sorry in the loss of your Mom–hurts alot. The ONE who received your Mom HOME to HEAVEN, is Jesus Christ.

  • I can’t get over the moms death. It will be a year dec. 5 We were one so much alike I am 51 and mommy was 73 but she still did waitress work drove a red. Mustang and had diamond earrings down both ears my mom was a diva .she has 5 kids but I was always her nomoe ,I as she said was the needy one we had a bond in life that mommy said. Can’t. even be. Broke in death. I cry for her everyday .i don’t let anyone see me. My mom would always grab me bathe face and say girl look at you you are so beautiful look in that. Irror mom would give anything to have those big brown eyes’ so when you get down on yourself go look in that mirror dry those tears and say hey I am beautiful.we were one no matter how old you are you always need your mom. I can’t get over her my heart is so empty .mom h had a cerebellum Vascular anurisum I always knew what mommy wanted and after passing she had all her wishes come true out of 5 kids I’m the youngest but she knew I knew her. Better than anyone for no one took the time to see how beautiful she is . I have all the memories and they never stopped to make any I wear her ashes around my neck in a clear heart she is so close to me I can’t wait tone with her again the pain is to unbearable I love you mommy Linda Lee Turner Batey from Reynoldsburg Ohio who was employed at the Hickory house in Gahanna Ohio I. Love you beautiful angel mommy I love so much it hurt to breath

  • Shannon Thomas says:

    My Mom and I are currently going through this due to she is terminal cancer now after two fights already with cancer of some type. Because of past events in our lives as I was growing up I felt my mother was not their for me once I became a mother myself, but through the years and she and I talking with some counseling realized she truly did the best she could for me and loved me with all her heart. No one is perfect and neither is your own mother. I am now still in grieving while she is dying to the relationship we currently have and have been building. It feels like their is never going to be enough time to tell how and express how much I will miss her and wish she will still be on the end of that phone line when I need her or she needs me. It is so hard to try to hold it together so I can let her live the rest of what she has not worrying about all of her 5 adult children and grand kids, all of her loved ones. I want her to be Happy as she can and even though she tells me she is not scared of dying I fear when that moment comes she will be so scared as I am so scared to see her like that and I want to make sure I can comfort her if she needs it in her time of need. I know that I will be able to do this cause it is what she needs and she is my mother and would do anything ,ANYTHING for her because she has always been their for me even when I though she was not. I can not let my fear get in my way and I am trying to cope to make sure I will be able to do this.
    I love my mother and after do not want her to suffer anymore she has had enough suffering in her life but I know it will be hard and I also know from being a mother myself that my mother will do anything to help me if she can even knowing she is the one that I feel needs more support then any of us because we are not dying. A mothers love is one of God’s Greatest Gifts you can have in your life whether it is your biological mother or adopted mother,stand in Grandma that has raised you they will always love you unconditional no matter what. I think of my mother already as one of god’s angels because they love you just like God’s does and will still punish you to let you see the light of what is the proper way to be.

    I am sorry if I have made some issues for others here by posting this but I can not post this on social media because my mom does not want pity from anyone she tells me it is what it is and this is the path God put her on (totally understand that saying seeing it for myself in my own life) But beside God,my children ,husband ,brothers,she is my whole life and I will miss her and love her always and want to be able to say that to everyone!!!
    God is your first love then second your mother when you bond very well with your mother and each love is different and great. I love you momma and I do know even in death you will be here for me in my heart and mind and will cherish every past ,present and future time with you.

  • Ayva says:

    My mom passed away suddenly 3 months ago from a brain aneursym at 69. According to the medical examiner, she should have passed in her 40’s or 50’s. My mom and I were exremely close…she was my everything. My dad passed away when I was 5 and it was really just me and my mom all my life. I can’t begin to explain how lost I feel all the time and how pointless everything seems. In my mom’s last couple of years she began acting strangely and pushing me out of her life. I found out after her death she was hiding illnesses from me (found out she had breast cancer and other things going on healthwise). I’m so hurt she didnt let me take care of her and be there for her. I would have done anything for her. I cried to my fiance so many nights not understanding what was going (and deep down knowing something was very wrong but having no way to find out). I have my fiance who I love very much and has been amazing and close friends but they will never understand. They will never know how much it hurts me to listen to them talk about going home for the holidays, or calling their moms, etc. I have no family and its been so hard disgesting that my safety net is gone. I’ll never be able to call my mom and ask her what I should do. Its funny, after I found out she died its the first instinct I had – call her and ask her what I should do. I feel so much guilt for not starting a family while she was still alive because she wanted to be a grandmother so badly. I couple of years ago I decided to go back to school to become a nurse, and my fiance and I decided to wait until I was done with school. I just miss her, plain and simple. She was the smartest person I knew and also the kindest.

    • Shannon Thomas says:

      I know that from being a mother no matter how she acted towards you she only did what she felt she needed to as a mother to protect you from pain. A mother never wants to see her children in pain emotional or physical. I am glad you see this and know that she does love you and will always no matter what she will always be with you even in her death. I had a growing moment today for me and hope that some of what I say has eased your pain and how much you miss her and understanding of the whole thing. God Bless You and I am praying for you to feel peace with this.

      • Shannon Thomas says:

        My Mother went down a few days before Thanksgiving and just passed Dec. 10th of this year. I am glad I had a chance to grief for her loss and we came closer together then ever. Although I did not wish her to stay here in pain for anyone cause I have learned my mother suffer a lot all her life but she did it for the LOVE of her family. She went fast and they told us it would get really aggressive and it did and I thank the lord every day for her suffering to only last a short time. She passed with 2 1/2 to 3 months for her finding out she was terminal. My mother was not able to be with her mother when she was ill like her and I was grateful to be able to be by her side. Even though sometimes I could not bare it and had to leave. I will miss her forever but do know that she will always be with me. I was the last face she saw and she smiled at me with thrilling excitement. I told her that I love her and be at peace. I will never forget the beautiful and hard times we shared through our lives and her illness together. I was happy for my mother that she got to go be with all her loved ones she missed for so many years. My mother came from Germany and moved to the states with my father. She never got to see her family much because of hard times and 5 children she needed to care for. So being far away from home she could not do as she wanted but she is in heaven with everyone and is watching from above to keep us all in line and when we need a friend/mother to talk to.

  • Eleanor Hayes says:

    For the past 12months i have been looking through these comments ..trying to imagine how i could ever cope without my mom or how i would feel or what i would do.
    my mom had breast cancer in 2008 but made an excellent recovery and was thankful every single day that she got better but in Nov last year(2012) having had a prolonged cough went for investigations to find she had lung cancer and mets in the liver. i don’t think i could ever explain how i felt after hearing the diagnosis ..its engraved in my mind forever..for 12months i came to accept she would not be around to meet her grandchildren,see me get married or even see her 60th birthday..these thoughts have lingered in my mind for so long and the tears and heart break that i experienced had a massive impact on my life -so much so i feel a lot of my grieving was done while she was still alive.In June she went on permanent oxygen and had palliative care set up at home.my father and brother were very much in denial and tried to believe she would get better or maintain the level she was at-because i am a midwife(with no experience of oncology what so ever) i was expected to speak with palliative care,doctors,nurses and attend every appointment by my father who did not go to any -as he like to phrase it “you know more about that kind of thing” ..its been an exhausting year.Mom went into hospital mid October this year and passed away Nov 5th 2013 at the age of 57.i slept by her bed on her last night(i will be forever grateful for that memory)although i had stepped out for a quick bite with my aunt i missed the moment she passed..my father,brother and two aunts were by her side.its only now my father and brother are starting to experience what i did 12months ago and its certainly not easy as they were sheltered for so long. my mother was a wonderful lady and at 24 i really did not think i would be without her at this age of my life. Because of the trauma of the past 12 months has now come to an end ..there is nothing to feel but peace now and i can feel her spirit all around me in everything i do.from reading and re reading these comments over the past few months with tears in my eyes and a heaviness in my heart i cant honestly say there is now a lightness in my body now..with dry eyes and a sense of calmness around me i type this.i know that my mom and all of your mothers are some place wonderful now where there is nothing but joy and happiness surrounding them.i will continue to bring my mother along with me in life and know she is watching over me.
    Love to you all
    xxxxxxx

  • Joan Cuthbertson says:

    Eleanor, thank you for posting. I’m sorry for the loss of your mom. I am 49 and married with two middle school aged daughters. My mom passed from lung cancer a few minutes past Christmas last year. We were so, so close. She was an amazing mom and grandmother. This has been the hardest year (plus the 5 months of her illness) that I have ever experienced. In the time since she’s passed, there have been two specific incidents where I know my mom was with us. That has given me a lot of comfort but it doesn’t take away the pain most of the time. How did you get to the point of feeling calm and light? I would love to feel that way again someday….

  • Eleanor Hayes says:

    Hi Joan,feeling the way i do now having lost my mom only 3weeks ago is something i could never expect.I think watching her go through treatment in 2008 was very hard but absolutely devastating the second time .From the moment i heard the news that she had been diagnosed with secondaries i was trying to mentally prepare myself for the worst..and that’s how i found this site-it has brought me huge comfort and i remember thinking some day i will be among theses ladies who has lost their mom.For what has gone on in 12months was worse than any sadness im feeling now .My mom was a carer herself in the community and also worked with my father on farm,she loved the outdoors and could never just sit and relax she was always on the go.Watching her being cared for by the colleagues she once worked with was very hard even more so when she couldn’t go out in the farm which in itself was a therapy for her.I think the fear than ran through my body for every appointment and the awaited results was terrifying for all of us ..all i could think of is ..how much more bad news can we possibly get?!i also worried about how she would die..would she be frightened/alone/in pain/at home..i was always worried i would be working nights and it would happen while i was away.When she did pass it could not have been more peaceful.All her nearest and dearest were with her and because i spent her last night with her i have great comfort from that.No regrets.The night after she died i dreamed of her..that i came into her set up bedroom downstairs and she had just woken up..she removed her oxygen mask,started to fold up the sheets in the bed and just simply said “im not sick now i don’t need this stuff anymore” and proceeded to walk towards the kitchen to make the dinner.I woke that morning with such an ease in my body because i know she is better now and free of the suffering.she doesn’t need any more treatment now and her soul is free.she always told me that she would watch over me if she were to die ..at the time i didn’t want to hear it but i truly believe it now.The sting of losing her has hit me hard,i started work again yesterday and i really missed my routine of calling her after my shift.Even though it hurts the sense of peace i feel deep down is amazing,i do little things to keep her presence in my home, always lighting candles i even make the odd hot whiskey which is something we would do on cold winter nights.I feel her so close to me all the time because i know she is close.My mother never fully recovered from the death of her own mother,she passed just two months before i was born.Mom would often speak of how much she missed her even 24years later it was very raw for her.I know now they are reunited and happy together again and for that i feel such joy for her.There is a lot i have to face now without her by my side but i had to let her go as she had done what she needed to do in this life.i hope i feel her presence as strongly as i do now for the rest of my life.xxxxxx

  • Rachel says:

    I have read this article and felt for the first time in a few weeks human.
    My mother died 16 years ago – in the last month despite being incredibly happy to be planning my wedding next year to a wonderful wonderful man I have become incredibly emotional and cheesed off!
    Everyone says its understandable but she would not want you to be unhappy – the thing is I am not unhappy I feel like I am grieving….I have been very unhappy at other times in my life so I know the difference between this and what I am going through.
    it is incredibly hard until someone goes through what you go through to get it…..others deal with loss without drama but then every situation is different as are we all as people so will handle it differently.
    so should I embrace the emotion as you should when you grieve? i think so it could be the first time I have ever felt this way in all the 16 years since she died…i feel settled, happy, my life is mapped out and it feels good like i have real purpose so maybe now my heart is opening and relaxing so hence all this emotion is coming out….
    i find little things irritate me but reading up on grief this is common as well…I just need to find a means to channel this…..
    I guess maybe I need to give myself a break and let it out…..and then I will turn a corner when it feels better…..

  • Susanna Frackiewicz-Ponce says:

    My mom died on June 12, 2012 after a tortuous journey with chronic microvascular ischemic dementia. She had suffered several non detectable strokes; one too many started the cascading effects of physical and mental demise. When she died, she was 71 pounds and her right leg was contracted up to her chest.
    I not only grieve her death and that very understandable loss, I grieve multiple losses that preceded and followed her illness and death. I grieve watching her change, I grieve that she didn’t die at home as she wanted to, I grieve the sale of my childhood home, I grieve that I was 1000 miles away during her demise, instead of in the same town, I grieve that summer visits, Thanksgiving and Christmas will never be the same, I grieve that my brothers and I will never celebrate those traditions the same way.

    My grief has turned to panic attacks this past week, and I feel scared. Grief was hard enough, but now the fear, the racing heart, the mother hunger, the longing, the “will never go home again” has consumed me.

    I’ve done everything I know how to move forward….grief support groups, prayer, walking, working, helping others, staying engaged……….but there is a darkness, a cloud, an emptiness, a hole, that in the past week has paralyzed me. I had unexpected time off and just wanted to sleep. However, I can’t sleep and so the vicious cycle continues.

    Thank you for listening………..I appreciate those who understand.

  • Faye says:

    Dear Susanna F.-Ponce, So very sorry for loosing your Mom in such a way. May it bring you the PEACE of GOD, simply KNOWING that she is now truly at REST. THIS is the only PEACE I can find in my Mom’s passing: KNOWING that she is resting, happy, NOT worried bout her only daughter now (type I diabetes for 50 y.–she ALWAYS worried bout me!even in her last days this past August…) Yes, the sale of childhood home is NOT something I want to deal with–but none of us can afford to buy it. SAD…
    Have been a widow for MANY years; only ONE of our THREE CHILDREN remains living–Ed Jr. I, have NEVER went to a “support group”. ‘Cause I find most people superficial…always take it to the LORD.
    Keep the LORD JESUS in your life–I find good, solid CHRISTIAN comforting–but, sometimes cannot listen to this either.
    Will keep you in prayer. In the GREAT LOVE OF JESUS CHRIST…who also suffered GREATLY.

  • Faye says:

    Sorry: that was supposed to read:I find good, solid CHRISTIAN music comforting…

  • Mary Ann says:

    Today marks the 8th year that I placed my mother’s wood box with the Bronze Letters BELOVED MOTHER in her little cubicle on the wall of fellow cremation mother’s, dad’s, sister’s, etc. I went to church this morning, but the rest of the day I have relived that cold December 3, 2005. I have never been the same I try so hard to put up a front, but on my alone time it still grips me with a spear to my heart. I had her for 63 l/2 of the most beautiful years of my life. She was a very special, kind, generous and loving person, a devoted mother. The only thing that I look forward to is that it won’t be that long when I will join her and the rest of my dear ones in Heaven. He promised and He never breaks a Promise.

  • Phoebe says:

    My mom died 3 years ago – I wore one of her scarves today and for a brief moment I smelled her perfume. I miss her so much!

  • Jazmin says:

    I recently lost my mother this year . . . she was 50 and I am 26. It’s been 6 months since she passed and while I am able to feel ok around friends and family I tend to break down when I am alone.

    The lines of communication with my friends and family are not strained. I talk about my mom all the time. What she would have said in a certain situation, what she used to do, the things she liked. Talking about her helps me feel better.

    I just wonder if I should let myself grieve by myself . . . I tend to be an introverted individual, but is letting my self grieve alone healthy?

  • Lisa says:

    I lost my mother two month’s ago and like so many of you I feel like a lost little girl. She spent the last month and a half in the hospital. I was there everyday sometimes 2 or 3 times a day. I don’t have a husband or kids so I have such a whole in my life and my heart. She was my “person”. I am so grateful to God for giving us some precios moments before she died. Alot of the time she wasn’t herself. She had several mini-strokes. But she was really better for a day, and we got to say all those things you want to say before someone dies. And although we didn’t always get along (we lived next door to eachother and they say you hurt the ones you love) in the end I was really there for her and she knew I loved her and I finally realized how much she loved me. It’s funny how differant life and death looks to you when you lose someone you love so much. I would give anything to see her one more time, look in her eyes one more time, hold her hand one more time!!! I’ve never know pain like this. I still live in the house next door to hers and everyday on my way home from work it is a constant reminder that she isn’t there anymore. I move in the Spring and hopefully that will help me to move forward. Thank you all for sharing your stories, it helps to know that what I am feeling is normal. I know I will see her in heaven one day, I just miss her more than words can say. The holdays are especialy hard as you all know, especially the first. We always did the Christmas tree together, no tree this year. I pray that God blesses all of you and heals your broken hearts!!

  • Alice says:

    May the LORD also bless you, and heal your broken heart as well, Lisa.

  • steph says:

    My mother died when I was 11 months old. Growing up, I dont really remember anyone talking about her very much. And now that im 25 im struggling with all the “what could have beens” along with the thought that I have outlived her, as she was 22 at the time of her passing. At the same time I get to deal with being her twin. Apparently we look and act alike. This article touched my heart. And I hope to allow myself to grieve her at some point. I tend to work to the point that I dont think or feel anything about it. The part tbat says theres a void that wont ever be filled couldnt be more true. I have women in my life who have been there for me, but none are my own mother. They’re borrowed, and as much as they love me and I love them, I cant help but feeling its never going to be the same.

  • Gail says:

    Hi, I need help! My Mom is 90 ~ I lost her mental because of her dementia. Since I was young, I was so close to Mom and respected her in every day. I’m so sad that I have changed as well. She has 24 hour aids. I don’t see her or talk to her much. My guilt is over whelming. I know that this is a difficult disease. The woman that I love so much. I was always their for her when she needed me. I suffer from severe depression. I have also know and need to go with her when she dies. That has been my plan since I was younger. My life will be so incomplete without her. If I do go ahead with it when she passes, do you think I would be with her? Please help me!

    • Alice says:

      Dear Gail, Had replied to you last night, but didn’t place your name to it–sorry!
      Will you please read my comments from December 19 2013 at 1:04 am? I don’t mean any harm or stress. I do hope you will read…I DID “reply” specifically to YOUR comments, asking for help. But, somehow when I clicked on the “reply” button, it was NOT directed to YOUR comments! Don’t know HOW or WHY. Just a website problem, I guess. Ok. Don’t want to keep on. Love & Prayers to you & your Mom Gail!

  • Loree says:

    My 91 year old mother passes away in August after a 5 year battle with dementia, the last 2 years of which were especially tough. She fell and fractured 2 vertebrae 8 weeks before she passed and was in a rehab facility.
    Like you and your mom, we were always especially close since dad died when I was very young.
    I can only speak from my experience, but it was important to me that I spend as much time with mom as I could when she was there. Although she declined significantly after her fall, she had moments of clarity and her eyes lit up when she saw me coming down the tall – she didn’t always know I was her daughter, but she knew she trusted me. During her last 36 hours when she went under hospice crisis care (a nurse was by her bed at all times), she had amazing moments of clarity! I don’t think that always happens, but it was almost as if the dementia was gone.
    It definitely helped her that I was with her every day, even if for a short time. And it most certainly helped me.
    When you are caring for someone with dementia, it’s difficult to not yell back. And when mom was having one of her clearheaded moments shortly after moving to rehab, I was able to apologize to her for sometimes losing my temper and she verbally said that it was ok and she forgave me. That was huge!
    It’s important to make peace with your mom and her current situation while you still can. More for you than her. If you had a close relationship, that didn’t end. The disease is preventing it – not your mom.
    I can also say from experience that after mom passed, the horrible experiences of the last 2 years faded into a distant memory. When I think of mom, I remember her as my best friend, the amazing and fun woman that she was – not what the disease did to her.
    May God bless and hold you and your mom through this difficult journey.

    • Loree says:

      Gail – I just reread your post and realized what you wrote. Your mother would want you to live your life! As hard as it is to lose a parent, it’s the natural order of life. You can get through this and move on to live a life that would make your mom proud! Children are parents legacy – give her the best legacy you can!
      I don’t know if you believe in God, but He loves you and will be at your side throughout this journey. In my mothers last few days, I saw God’s hand in more tangible ways than I have ever seen in my life, and it gave me strength to keep going.
      I also talked with a grief counselor at hospice which was extremely helpful. I would strongly suggest you do that.
      Each day of life is a precious gift! You can get through these dark days to see the amazing new experiences which are still to come. Don’t let the devil take that away from you!
      God bless and keep you, Gail. Praying for you.

  • Alice says:

    This sounds like you’re going to take your own life. DO NOT DO IT! NOT, NOT, NOT! This will NOT assure that you’ll be with your Mom (maybe the opposite). For CERTAIN. Are you on medications for your depression? What do you do for yourself & your depression?
    Believe me, your Mom would NOT want you to end your life! NO MATTER WHAT!
    Whenever your Mom’s time comes around–you CAN get through it. YES, you CAN.
    It takes time, but you can get through it! It will NOT be easy–as you well know. Do you have brothers/sisters? If so, TALK with them! Tell them how you’re feeling. If NO Bros/Sisses, seek out a GOOD COUNSELOR–a CLERGYMAN, a DOCTOR, a CHURCH! This is a GROWING, LEARNING process–FOR YOUR GOOD.
    NOT your downfall.
    I believe this whole situation, circumstance, is to teach you; try to think of it as something your Mom IS teaching you. So that you will be a healthier, happier woman. If she could stay here, in this realm of life, she WOULD! Because she loves you SO MUCH! However, a time will come that she (nor YOU) will have NO OTHER CHOICE in the matter.
    Also, I STRONGLY suggest you seek out a PASTOR/PRIEST/RABBI–not knowing what sort of FAITH your Mother grew you up with…you & your Mom will be in my prayers to the LORD JESUS; & added to the prayer list/chain at church. BE GOOD!
    Your Mom wants you to be good…it would definitely please her.
    I am VERY sorry that your Mom is so ill–it IS heart wrenching. See her when you can–SPEAK sweetly to her–as if she knows what you’re saying to her! Sometimes, they understand more, remember more than what medical science seems to know about! HONESTLY. Please don’t allow this severe depression RUIN your life! YOU, TAKE CONTROL OF IT! DON’T LET IT TAKE CONTROL OF YOU! With PRAYERFUL HUGS to you & your Mom. GOD BLESS YOU BOTH.

  • Alice says:

    LOREE: AMEN! (You may want to reply to Gail/Dec 18, 2013 @ 1801–which is 6:01 pm).

  • Alice says:

    Loree: Thank you in your address to Gail. I DID reply to her as well, but FAILED to attach her name to it. God bless you & yours as well!

  • destiny cox says:

    Hi im 17 and i lost my mother back in april of 2013. Could she still be with me I don’t know but I miss her alot and my grandma can feel her and see her why can’t I see her

  • the girl says:

    I woke up one night to a smell of gun powder my lil brother was getting shot in the other room then the intruder came into my room were I was with my sister shot her 6times I was shocked then he short me 3times went out left the door wide open around 3am in the morning I got up to check. My mother I found her dead on the kitchen floor a bullet on the head and heart I’ve never felt so horrified in my life the cops still don’t get the killer I can’t sleep at night I never got concelling even today I’m 22 and I still sleep restless I don’t think ill ever heal is been 8 months since she past away I have no relatives my older sister left the house after my moms death never came back is hard for me and my siblings but I pray everyday that god help us find healing

  • Sue says:

    I too lost my mother on Aug 8,2013 at the age of 76, I am 48 yrs old. She was diagnosed with Stage IIIB inoperable cervical cancer and acute renal failure on Aug 7,2012…I quit my job when she was released from the hospital after being diagnoses and moved in with her leaving my own family (which they were very supportive of) to take care of her and take her to ALL of her treatments and appointments…My was VERY determined to try every available treatment that she was able to do and during the year she was ill she ended up getting MRSA three times, one time from her PIC line and the other two times were from her stents in her kidneys (the doctors waited way to long to change them out causing her to get infection and then the MRSA…the last time she got the MRSA (which ended up taking her life) I begged and pleaded with the doctors to test her urine because she had all the same symptoms as before but worse(and she was almost complete with her 12 rounds of chemo, only three to go) and they would not do it until the day I finally had to go make a scene and demand they check it and at this point they tested it and sure enough it was the MRSA only they waited to long and her immune system was VERY low from the chemo and it had already spread into her blood stream…She was admitted to the hospital on July 17 and by July 26,2013 she began to have seizures and I was there with her EVERY STEP of the way and watching helplessly and it was breaking my heart in two not being able to help her…they moved her to ICU and said that she wasnt going to wake up or make it through the night…by 6 am the next morning she started coming too and then by the afternoon she was trying to talk but it effected her speach and she was not able to say alot…then they decided the next day to take her out of ICU and move her to PCU and then after being there for a day moved her to Hospice saying they were controlling her pain and sending her HOME…Again I stayed RIGHT by her side holding her hand until she passed away on Aug7,2013…I had to tell her it was ok for her to go… she struggled for 4 days before finally letting go…It was the HARDEST most heart breaking thing I have EVER had to do…I still am having sever issues and grieving for her… and NO ONE seems to understand and keeps telling me that I should be better by now…by I am struggling with her loss still today…some days alot more than others…It is really hard when no one wants to talk with me about my pain or sorrow and it makes me feel soo alone…and MISSING her terribly…she is the one that I would always call and talk to on a daily basis when I was not with her and she was truely my best friend and we really grew very close when I moved in with her to take care of her…Missing her EVERY day

    • Gloria says:

      Hi Sue,
      I understand completely how you feel.I lost my mom to cancer on May 11th,2011.Now, I know that was 2 and a half years ago but time don’t change anything.I still miss my mom as much as when she first passed away. In fact, I miss her more and more everyday.She was and still is my very best friend. Just like you, I took care of my mom completely.I would have done anything for her.I also feel very alone at times.People do not understand.They say that they do and they promise to always be there for you.However, after a month or two they will start to drift away.They will get tired of you talking about the person you lost.They just don’t understand ,cuz most of them still have their moms.They ccan’t understand how you or I feel.A good true friend will stand by you and listen to what you need.It is just unfortunate that there aren’t too many true friends anymore.I understand and all the people on this site understands.You can always talk to us and we will be glad to listen.No one can ever really ease the pain of losing your mom.You will always feel her loss and miss her terribly.My mom was 78, and only lasted 4 months after being diagnosed with cancer.I will never forget the day she left me.I held her hand till the very end, and never wanted to let go.My heart broke that night, and it can never be repaired.My heart goes out to you Sue.I do truly understand your pain.Please post again.I do care and I will listen!

      • Sue says:

        Thank you Gloria…You are truely correct…They people who all claimed to be my friends are now gone and if I speak of mom at all in any way people all the sudden go silent and will not talk to leave or hang up etc…I WILL not let people like that try and make me forget about her or her memory…and you are also correct that they have BOTH their parents still and CAN NEVER say they understand how I feel until they go through what we went through taking care of, nurturing and growing a VERY close bond the our moms right up to the end and wanting to try and move heaven and earth to make them better and stay a little longer with us with out pain and suffering…My sister was not their for my mother and claims to know what I am going through but she was not there all the nights she was up sick throwing up and having to be be rushed to the ER at midnight during a tropical storm etc…I was there for it all and I will NEVER forget any of what I helped mom over come in the year she fought..doctors originally told her only a couple months and with me being her cheerleader and support team we at least got her a year but could have been more…I told her from the start that I would be there from DAY 1 until the END and that promise I KEPT…I also promissed her that after she was gone I would go visit with her at least once a week at the cematary and I have kept that promise and will until I am no longer her and I am with her…my siblings have NOT been the the grave since the day of the funeral…I make sure she has nice things on her grave for holidays, birthday and every day to let her know I miss her so and think about her EVERY single day…There is not a day that does by that she is NOT in my thoughts…it still seems so hard with out her and everyone keeps saying I should be past that my now…but they dont understand how close and protective of her I began with her over the past year and a half and they never will….I feel so very alone every day and it seems to get worse as the days go by…which make me more and more depressed where I don’t want to go any where except to drive the 45 minutes to the cemetary and visit with her and dont want to be around other people any more…I have been told just shake it off and get back out and get on with your life… :( my life will NEVER be the same again…I too sat with mom until her last breath and was devistated and didnt want to let her go…

        • Gloria says:

          Hi Sue,
          Yes, you are so correct on everything that you have said.I have felt all the same emotions as you are feeling, and I still do.It will not matter how many months or even years that go by, the pain of missing our moms will always be with us.I also have a sister who was never there for mom.I am not even sure where she lives exactly, nor do I care.My sister is the kind of person that only cares about herself.I couldn’t even locate her when mom became terminally ill.My mom said not to bother, that she had me and I was all she needed.I do have a great husband, who loves my mom very much.He did everything he could for her.I have one son also, who misses Nana terribly.I basically have no one else.Most of my family members have all passed away.Any ones remaining, I have no clue as to where they are.I only have the one sister, who is useless.She never cared enough about mom, so she wouldn’t care about me.Most of my friends have drifted away.Who cares?? If they had been true friends, they would still be here.They say to call them if I need anything. I don’t bother, cuz the only thing I need is my mom.I talk about her constantly.I don’t care if people don’t want to hear me anymore.My husband listens, and tries his best to comfort me.He also lost his mom to cancer.She was only 58.My mom was 78. He still has his dad though and brothers and sisters.I lost my dad when I was only six.I was raised by my mom and grandfather.He passed many years ago at the age of 86.My son is named after him.After that, it was mom and I.We were everything to each other.I will never get over losing her.I just try and cope the best I can.I know my son needs me, and that keeps me going.I have mom’s pictures and memories all around me.My husband even gave me a gold locket for Christmas with moms picture in it along with my son’s.I wear it all the time.That locket means the world to me.My mom is always with me and in my heart.As you can tell, I do understand all your feelings.I know the pain you are in missing your mom.I share all that pain as well.Just know that I am here to always listen and I will always understand.I hope in some way that can help you.Please take care.I will be looking for your next post.
          Sending Lots Of Hugs, Gloria

          • sue says:

            Gloria, thank you so much…I am very glad that I have found this site…it has really been a relief to be able to talk to others that understand what I have been trying to explain to everyone else that I am feeling and going through and them not understand…I still have my days that I have struggled getting through the day and being depressed because I STILL really miss her so….It was just the 6 month anniversary of her passing…I still want to pick up the phone and call her just to hear her voice and would love to be able to just feel a hug from her… :(

  • Nora says:

    I lost my mom at the age of 10 and it was the hardest experience I have ever gone through in my entire life. She will never see my graduate school, get married, have kids, start my family. It’s hard, but I’m slowly getting through it.

  • arlene fazio says:

    I also lost my mother at the age of 11 years old. I am now 70 and I would like to tell you
    younger women that it is one of the most painful things that happens to a person.
    What I have learned is how it colors your life will also color the life of any future family you
    may have. It certainly effected mine. I think I tried hard to have my children grow up to be self sufficient without me not to need me like I needed my mother, I did not want them to miss me or feel the pain I have felt, I thought I could protect them, but I was wrong.
    I only succeeded in creating a son who is super sensitive to the fear of losing me and a daughter who keeps me at a distance while she raises her own children – I guess I might be able to say that I was successful in creating one child who wouldn’t need me, but now I feel like that very fact has kept us from creating the extended family bond that will effect her children. I only wish help had been available to me when I was young enough to have
    learned how to be a more effective mother for both of my children.

  • Elizabeth says:

    I just lost my Mom on January 9, 2014. She was 85 & fell on November 2, 2013 & had to have a brain clot removed from her head. She fought so hard for over 2 months to stay. But she suffered so greatly. I stayed with her & took care of her at 3 different hospitals & finally Hospice. I was there when she passed into heaven. I love & miss her so very much. I still see her face & her eyes, her tears as I told her how much I loved her & said all of her children, grand children, great grand & great great grand childrens names to her. Losing her hurts so much & I keep calling her name. She was my best friend, my advisor, my prayer warrior & my Mom! Not sure how to get through, but I know she would want me to. I Love You Mom!!!

    • Lynda O'Donnell (Ireland) says:

      Hi Elizabeth, my Mom just passed recently and I feel in “no man’s land”. It’s almost like I’m numb. My Mom had dementia and was in a care home. On Christmas Eve the family were called in and as we are Catholic, she had Last Rites (last Catholic Sacrament) on the following Monday. It’s was a rollercoaster after that, poor Mom was up and down, a fighter to the last. My sister and I were with her when she passed. Even though she was in a home,
      I devoted my life to her. I was the only one who wasn’t working, so I had the time. I have a huge void in my life and I am not coping very well, even though I have a very supportive family. I just can’t talk, I have not really accepted her death. I know I need counselling but at the moment I can’t deal with it. Like your Mom, my Mom was my best friend to. She advised, she was there to pick up the pieces, she was just always there for me and never passed any judgement. I am bereft with grief but not showing it. May your Mom and my Mom rest in peace.
      Lynda

      • kim says:

        My mom died 6 years ago. She was my best friend and eveything else you said. The first year I just cried and cried. Suddenly. Driving in my car, at my desk at work, drinking coffee in the morning, walking the dogs … I don’t think anyone who loves someone with so much passion gets over their passing. How often does anyone feel so passionate about anything or anyone? My mom made me laugh like no one else can, understood me just by looking at me, she doted on me and I doted on her. I really wish there was a spirit world and I could close my eyes and see her floating or whatever in front of me. I try to concentrate on how lucky I was to have a mom I could love so much and who loved me just as equally. But today I was feeling down and wanted to see how other people deal with this and see I am absolutely not at all alone which actually makes me feel a lot better. May all our mom’s rest in peace and for those of us who are a mom may we be as lovely and loving to our daughters/sons as our moms were to us. Amen. Now for the very personal part: I gave birth to a daughter after my mom died. 3x I have smelt her distinctive perfume in my daughter’s room (I have a good nose). Right after her funeral at the “party”, there were wind chimes outside but no wind. I said jokingly, “If mom can hear me, make the chimes, well, chime!” and a big gust of wind blew them and they chimed and everyone simply freaked. Finally, during a year after her death I would hear time and again the old song “I just called to say I love you” by Stevie Wonder on the radio. This is significant because it was the song I picked to play at her funeral because she used to call me and “sing it”. It is one darn long song and too weird to hear on the radio time and again after she died (and especially because it is not very popular). But, it has been 6 years now and after about 2 years from her death I didn’t get anymore “signs”. I liked getting them but I really don’t understand this kind of stuff.

  • NatashaBroughton says:

    This was an absolute beautiful post.
    I’d lay here wondering if grieving ever went away and searched away on google and came across this. I feel I’m not alone’
    I’m 22 and my mum passed away when I was just 7 years old leaving behind me and my 3 younger siblings. She was just 25 years old’ breast cancer .. the biggest anxiety of my life. She was dignosed at the age of 21 and now being in the age range of her illness it’s even more daunting. I feel I’ve lost a big part of my life like I hadn’t fulfilled anything in life because I’ve been so depressed to have the motivation to do anything’ I haven’t had the kick up the bum I needed. I dwell on the past to much and think I may just still be grieving’ I have 2 beautiful young children and I know she would have loved them as much as she loved her children and I love my children. A mothers love is unconditional and I wish I had it for longer. For my siblings too. It’s nice to see other peoples story’s just to know that I am not alone.

  • Melanie says:

    I lost my mother 9 days ago to breast cancer. The cancer spread from her breasts, to her brain, and finally to her spine. She was 63 years old, far too young. I’m 25 and am finding it difficult to function. She meant the world to me, we had only just begun the friendship phase of an adult mother-daughter relationship. I used to call her everyday (because I’m a worrier), and I continue to call just to hear her voice-mail message. I kept the clothes that she had that still smell like her, and I see things that only she and I would find funny. I wonder how I’m going to deal without the single most important person in my life-the life she so graciously gave me. As I write this I know she would want me to live, truly live. She had a 3 year battle so we knew this was how it was going to end, I’m truly grateful that I had the chance to say good-bye and care for her in her final week.

  • faith says:

    my grand-mother (my mothers mother) died on the 3rd of January this year of being sick for months and while i was still trying to deal with that loss with my mother and sisters,my mother 12 days later died on the (15th of January 2014) of too much stress and high blood pressure and we buried her last Saturday on the 25th of January 2014. i don’t even know how to express how i feel. i feel empty,sad,hurt and lonely e.t.c i have lost the two most important woman/role-models/pillars of strength in my life. my mother and my granny where the most important people in my life, my mother was my best friend,my every thing. the hardest part i have to be strong for my two little sister while I my self still struggling with this losses.

    i just got married in December and started at a new job at the beginning of the month, this year for me was suppose to be a happy year.newly wed and all that stuff but my life right now is just filled with sadness,guilt and loneliness friends and husband have been very supportive but they don’t know how i feel :(

    • Amie says:

      I know how you feel. I went through multiple losses 20 yrs ago (at 15 yrs old) all within a 3 month period, and now lost my mother in Dec 2013 and will soon lose my gramps who I love like a father. There will be no one that important to me left. I give myself time to grieve each day by myself, once a week I go on a drive with a coworker who misses her mom also and we share stories – well I mostly cry. I see a social worker and have asked for anxiety meds temp. to help me along. This is the hardest so far …mom. I’m here for you if you ever want to talk about things. Congrats on your marriage – I’m sure all your family angels would be so proud!!! …our snowman in our front now will always be “grandma” with her scarfs and hats. It was so hard at first – but my 4 yr old told me everyone needs a mommy, so she build me one. So smart!

  • Brande says:

    Just found this and am reading this a few years later. My family just found out that my mothers cancer has come back and this time they will not be able to fix it, because it has spread so fast. To her lungs, and neck. The doctors told her she has about 3 years left since they can not get rid of it. Words can’t even describe how I felt the day she told us. My heart hurts even thinking about it. I am 19 years old, and my younger sisters are 16, 13 and 11. My heart hurts even more thinking about them too! We have always all been close and I’m glad that we all have each other. We just found out a couple months ago, and sometimes I can’t sleep at night because I can’t stop thinking about what it’s going to be like. Just recently I was thinking about how every happy moment in my life and my sisters, years to come will also share a sense of sadness. The worst is knowing that she won’t be there for my wedding or the birth of my children.
    I know these next few years are going to fly by. So I’m trying to prepare myself. I know that I will be looking back at this page for guidance, probably a lot. I will also share it with my sisters.
    Im thinking of askinf her to write me a book about helpful advice I will need when I get married and for when I have a family. Since I always turn to her for everything.
    I love my mom so much and I am scared of the pain I will feel once she is gone. Since I already feel a lot.
    This page has helped!!

    • marcella says:

      What a blessing you all are! You validate this most painful experience. I believe this is the most challenging time of my life, and Ive had a few. I am 54, a nurse, an only child with an only child of my own. My Mom just died Jan 30th 2014, 6 weeks ago. The day before her 84th birthday. When i was 39 my husband died of lung cancer, our daughter was 3yrs old and I had to be ok for her. It was painful and life just hung around me like a bulky uncomfortable coat that didn’t fit anymore. But, life went on, I fell in love again and remarried. Sometimes I still cry over my first husband. Over what he has missed with our daughter. Next, my Dad died… Again it was painful, we had a great relationship, but I found peace much more easily, although I will always miss him. I miscarried the next year and will probably always grieve that child. But it was more like the death of a dream. My Mom told me a couple months before her death that it hurt to loose her mom and dad, but that the death of her husband was the worst. She told me taking time to read about death and dying and grief, taking time for herself to grieve helped, but I know she still cried over Dad. Then she told me to be sure, when she died, to take time for myself. It was like we both knew these last few months that she was leaving. She did an amazing thing this last year, she made a bunch of tapes about her life, sometimes a little confused, but its her voice. Being able to hear her voice is such a comfort. Mom chose hospice 6 days before she died. My husband, 19 year old daughter, a hospice volunteer, and I were with her When she died. The last couple days before her death I had this nauseated ache in the pit of my stomach. I went back and forth between peace and acceptance. Fear and longing for more time. Mom was there for every major and minor event of my life. She was there when my husband died, I was there for her when Dad died. I knew I wanted to be there for her. It helped to accept that we each have our own life journey. I knew she had her own journey and didn’t know if she would want me there when she transitioned to her Spiritual Home. I worked hard to find the place in my heart to let go of her. She had tried to prepare me for this, but it was so hard to tell her it was “ok” for her to go to Heaven. My daughter and I half laid on either side of her bed that last half hour. We read a few old hymns, quoted her favorite scriptures, told her we loved her and would miss her, then we prayed and I told her we were lifting her up to Heaven and to just follow the pull of heaven on her heart strings, It was then she took her last breath. I am thankful she allowed me to be there, all of us together, very much like when my Dad died. But, this is so different, the ache in my heart, the physical pain of separation. That sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. You can never prepare for this loss. All you can do is treasure each moment, live, love, laugh and look up at the stars. The only way to understand the pain, the empty lost, all alone in the world, feeling is if your going through the dying process with your own mother. These feeling are there in spite of a loving husband and daughter and friends or a demanding career. One of my friends, a social worker, said, “Well she had a good death”. Another co worker, a nurse, said, “Well things will get better for you now that she is gone”. Meant as word of encouragement I am sure, but not helpful. They just don’t get it. Just as with life we each have our own journey of grief. Anticipatory grief is just as real as the post death grief. But, It hasn’t made this easier. I listen to Moms tapes, (what a treasure), I sleep with the her soft blanket, (one I had given her and which covered her as she died), I look at her photos, drive past her assisted living. I catch myself thinking, “I will stop by and see mom on my way home from work”, or “I need to call and see how mom’s day went”, but she is not there. I know that the pain, anger, and sometimes acceptance come in waves. As a nurse I have an understanding of death, dying, and grief, but from my experience you never “get over” those who you have loved who are gone from this world. I just try to carry on, cry when I need to, laugh when I can, and live the best I can to honor them. We do loose a big part of ourselves with the death of a loved one. I believe that part of us is safe with those who have gone on. Like we have swapped parts of our hearts. So a part of our loved ones live on with us. My thoughts and prayers go out to all of you. I am grateful for a place to share with people who understand. Hugs, comfort, and blessings.

  • Beth Cavanaugh says:

    It’s been 3 years since my mother died.
    I’m an only child, father died when I
    was 3. I find no comfort & just want to
    die. My life & her life were entwined.
    I cry everyday, nothing changes my
    deepest grief. My life is over without
    her. My husband & I took care of her
    Til the end. He doesn’t know how to
    deal with me, nor do I.

  • Jolie says:

    Very inspiring. I’m 29 years old, I have never left my moms side.. I lived with her my whole life with my kids. My mom passed away 8 months ago and I still haven’t allowed myself to grieve because I have 2 little ones that depend on me. I feel that once I grieve and go to that dark place, I won’t be able to pull myself out. I feel like my world ended. Theres nothing to look forward to but watch my kids grow. I feel incomplete. I feel alone. I don’t know how to grieve. I don’t wanna be a burden to my husband. I feel so empty. I wish I had just one more day with her just to hear her stories of her soap operas. I put it on the back burner and I’m about to explode! Cherish your moms and every minute with them even if they annoy you, because once they’re gone, you’d wish you had her annoying you.. God Bless!

    • Amie says:

      Grieving is needed. Find some time for yourself to grieve. Be it with a friend who has lost her mother, or just time in the shower, or drive to quiet place. Give yourself the time and set this free. Take care of yourself first, before anyone. Be honest with your husband. I went back to work before my mom was barried, so did my brother. Now, it’s over 2 months later and I told my husband I need time to myself, time to grieve. He’s been the best! It’s hard to open up and show feelings, but we need to express this in a positive way with support around us. If not we will be full of depression and anger. I’m an email away. I talk to my 4 yr old about grandma. I tell her that I miss her. It’s all part of life, my mother taught me about llife and death at a young age and I taught my daughter about the circle of life with a dead worm in our driveway when she was very young. My mother was a hospice nurse and critical care nurse – she knew how important it was to accept death and teach about it…but all the preperation and all the good byes, and conversations at the end – it’s still so hard. HUGS!

  • Amie says:

    I was born to a mother who was sick her whole life and died when I was 35, she 56, her mother was 54, due to a crash. Every day with them was a blessing. I used old family wedding pictures of our parents and grandparents on our wedding cake. I set up a time capsule for my daughter’s first birthday, so she and others could with my daughter well when she is an adult, and hopefully add some words of wisdom they were not able to share with her while they were with us. I miss her every day, especially in the happy and proud moments of my life were I just want to reach out and call her on the phone. I actually asked my 4 yr old daughter, who I should share these moments with since tots are so straight forward…she told me my step-mom and dad….she’s right…but that is going to be a new relationship to build…a really hard step for me. All my grandma’s have passed as well as my mother. These relationships were all truely special to me. I do have my mom’s dad – which I have a great relationship with, but his age is really showing these days – I will call him and share with him until I no longer can. Bless you all I hope we are all able build new relationships with the love we had for our mothers, to place that trust in someone else close to us. It’s been 2+ months…I’m trying!

  • Kimberly Joyce says:

    I lost my mother when I was 6 years old. I remember being in my Kindergarten class and having my father pick me and my siblings up early in the day. He took us home, there were 5 of us. He sat us all down in the dining room, and he began to pace the floor for what felt like HOURS…I was 6, I’m not 27–and the truth is, the pain is worse now than it was then. I guess in my own little childish way, my grieving process was limited…I became a mute from the age of 6 to about 12-13. I mumbled not a single word for all of those years. I don’t have many memories of my mom…but I miss her to the point of physical pain. There are times I just curl up in the fetal position and rock myself into a fantasy…dreaming of her and I sipping tea and talking. It hurts like hell- more and more the older I get. You’d think that the pain decreases with time…but it hasn’t. Sometimes I feel silly and embarrassed…she didn’t die yesterday, and sometimes it feels like just yesterday. I feel guilty at times for not having so many memories of her…like she wasn’t important. I feel scared…for my future and the idea of having my own children and possibly having them bury me…I’d hate for anyone to grow up the way I did…longing and desiring something in your heart that your mind knows you can never have. It affects me in relationships…not just with guys, but relationships in general…I hate to trust or love people completely because there’s no telling when they’ll leave me… I appreciate all of the posts I have read on this site…I stumbled across it out of pure desperation and relief for the agony I was experiencing today. Every death since the passing of my mother, has brought me right back to the passing of my mother. I have hope that things will get better…I just they will before I’m 100.

  • Maya says:

    I wish to share about my Mother! She was my rock, my inspiration, my best friend, my sister, and my teacher all because she was overjoyed to be! We nourished a bond that could not be broken. She was classy, professional, and stylish; a young 61 possessing great beauty both inward and outward. She loved to help others and gave unconditionally. She loved the law and worked as Legal Secretary and later Office Manager for over 40 years. A dedicated worker! She devoted her life to God, her family and career. I was her pride and joy but to me she was so much more. She passed away a year ago, January 13th, unexpectedly in her sleep. My father discovered her the next morning and called me to deliver the news. As you all may relate, it was the WORST day of any daughter’s life. The news was incomprehensible. There were multiple thoughts racing through my mind during that time, “I am an only child, 30 years old, in my second year of marriage with no children.” “She was supposed to grow old; I was going to take care of her.” “She was supposed to meet her grandchildren, they would call her GiGi.” She was supposed to give me motherly advice on how to care for them.” “We were supposed to get the chance to celebrate the rest of her milestone birthdays, 65th, 70th, 75th etc.” We had many more holidays to celebrate.” “There were just so many more memories we were supposed to create.”

    I cherish the ones we did create dearly, God allowed me to capture so many moments of her on video during her last year on earth. I last saw her alive the day after Christmas 2012. She waved goodbye and I snapped a photo as her hand motioned in the air. I remember as my parents drove off I begin to cry like a baby. I told my husband I wasn’t ready for them to leave and the visit seemed all too short. I now know why it was such a HARD goodbye; it was my LAST goodbye to my dear Mother. RIP Mommy. I miss you and I love you. Until we meet again….

    (Lisa – Thanks for creating this site and allowing us to share stories about our AWESOME mothers. My prayers are with you all doing this difficult time. God Bless.)

  • Joanne says:

    I can’t sleep because my mom is in palliative care. She is very quickly declining and I know the moment I get that call or see her take her last breath is coming. I’m 29 yrs old and right now I feel so sad that she is suffering. I don’t want her to be in pain. I feel I would be able to deal with her death but knowing how much discomfort she’s in breaks my heart. It helps to read your comments, I’m just so very distraught right now. I’m heartbroken she won’t be there for my big events or see me in a wedding dress and I feel I will never get over this.

  • Maudair McNeil says:

    I lost my mother 10 days ago. She had health problems but she was doing very well. I got a call that she had fallen. Later we realized it was a heart attack. She died instantly, but the doctors were finally able to start her heart again an hour later. It was a nightmare of hope and despair for the next five days until the brain scan came back and told us what we suspected, that she was already gone. She died and we planned a funeral which I and my sisters sang at. I think I am still in shock. I have felt very numb as I have gone back to work and tried to get on with my life. But the world is grey. My mother was my best friend. I called her every day and and spent every single Sunday with her. She was my hero, I always wanted to be like her. Today I can’t stop crying. I am finally realizing that I will never see her again in this life. She will never encourage me, or listen to me cry, or discuss a nature show with me. I wish I had died with her. I am single and feel so, so alone. I feel like a little girl lost in the woods. I just keep looking for my mommy. I am lost, and scared, and broken. I feel like the world will never have color again.

  • Michelle says:

    These are such comforting words to read. I lost my mum 1st February 2014 she was 65
    and married to my dad for 45 years mother to four children and grandmother of nine. She died of lymphoma and the end happened all to quickly. My brothers and sister and i are feeling her loss greatly. Everyone tells me at least she is at peace but it doesn’t make me feel any better. My 3 children get me through the day and make me keep going through the hard days. Everything around me reminds me of my mum, she was our family rock, she was our best friend

  • Yao says:

    I found this page because I am trying to prepare myself (not sure that it’s possible) for the death of my mother. She was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer right before this past Thanksgiving and after 3 rounds of palliative chemo (which was never going to cure her, only an attempt to extend her life) and a stay at the hospital, we have decided as a family for her to discontinue her chemo treatment.

    She will be put on hospice soon, which will help my father and I (I’m an only child) deal with her care. I am 30 years old, and I cannot imagine a life without my mother. But reading this post and all the comments underneath it have given me hope that it is possible to survive such a loss, even one as hard as this.

  • Pam says:

    I just found this site, and finding it helpful. My mom recently passed away, and of all days, on my birthday. It was the worst day of my life. She was a wonderful woman, and I miss her terribly. I cry everyday, and am trying to tell myself that for now on, my birthday will be a celebration of her life. Others don’t know what to say, and I don’t know what to think. I as well don’t know how to get over this…Looking for others to relate to.

  • Kara says:

    My mother died when I was 23 years old . She died of a heart attack at 43 years old. I am 28 years old now and can deeply relate to this article. I have made life choices I feel I would not have made had she been here and have missed her in the happy moments as well as the sad. This article has given me hope that I am not alone in these moments of sorrow and that they are ‘normal’. I wish she was here to bring advice and comfort that I need in the years of upcoming marriage and children. To show my appreciation for her and to have a friendship with her as an adult. I must believe she still looks out for me even when she is not physically here. I thank you for this article as it has helped put my mind and heart at ease and given me hope to live a happy memorable future.

  • Carmen says:

    Hi Lisa,
    I buried my mother 3 moths ago. She was and is still my world. I’m in my 40’s and was unable to give her grandchildren. So I suppose we were even closer as we had the freedom to always be available for each other. She was my best friend with only 20 years between us. I cried reading your words and my life at present seems so empty without her. She was too young and it was an unexpected illness that took her from me within weeks. You are so right even though we mourn what we had and lost in our mothers, its grieving the future relationship that pains the most. No female in my immediate circle of friends has a close bond with their mothers,which in itself is a lonely feeling for how can the possibly understand?? Yet trolling the web this morning I am comforted to learn I am not alone. Yes remembering our mothers in any capacity that feels right is so wonderful especially on such beautiful memorable days as weddings. Our lives have changed forever. Our relationship with our mother’s will live on, just in very personal and special way. When Rita pointed out the ‘future relationship’ I could relate. And some how knew I was going to be ok. How lucky are we, to have been our ‘Mother’s Gardens’.
    thank you Lisa and Rita

  • Julie Williams says:

    Hi Guys, What can I say? I feel your loss…. I lost my Mum on 09/12/1013 and had to say goodbye to her on the 19/12/2013.. Please, can someone help me as I feel such a hard person….. I still feel nothing. My Mum was my best friend x

  • Lilly M says:

    I lost my mom when I was 15 right before going to a new school and starting 10th grade. The first two years of dealing with my moms death were horrible for me. It’s a wonder I even graduated on time.

    Even though I no longer cry everyday, my mom is always on my mind. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about her. I am 23 now and I still don’t think I’ve grieved all the way. I hate family events because they make me miss my mom. I cried at my prom. I’ll probably cry in the bathroom at my brother’s wedding.

    When my mother was sick and dying in the hospital, I didn’t visit her in the hospital. At that time I didn’t want to see her in that condition. But she kept asking to see me but I wouldn’t go. Now that she’s dead I hate myself for not seeing her, I can never forgive myself. I wish someone had forced me to go in there and see my mom.

    I also feel sad and angry that any future kids I won’t meet their wonderful grandmother. I’ll never have my mom at my wedding or seeing me through my first pregnancy and giving birth.

    I have and older sister and brother that I love very much, but I am deathly afraid of losing them. I hope thoses days are very far into the future and that they grow to be very old.

    My condolences to anyone grieving the death of a loved one. May you have better luck than I have with the mourning process.

  • Alice says:

    Lilly M.—-For me, it has NOTHING to do with luck; there is no such thing. My own personal experiences with grieving over THOSE WE LOVE & CHERISH (ther has been several for me–my own personal FAMILY mostly), is turning to the LORD JESUS. Period.
    People whose loved ones pass on & they do NOT have the LORD–I do NOT know HOW they could possibly get through it with a sound mind.
    So, having said this–seek out a church, synagogue. TURN to GOD ALMIGHTY.

  • Pamela says:

    The relationship I had with my mother was quite intense, troubled, loving, difficult and everything to me. I have Asperger’s and she was a borderline personality who believed to her dying day that the only way to *make* children and pets behave was to beat them, so my upbringing was rough, to say the least. However, I know she loved me with everything she was capable of. While her words were frequently anything but supporting, her actions were mostly loving and caring in my adulthood. Yes, mixed messages were the norm. I had sole 24/7 care of her from 6/12 to her death 10/13 due to Dementia. I had her on a regimen of supplements that was actually making her get noticeably better….until she insisted on a knee replacement I had no power to stop and the doctors DQ’d EVERYTHING…meds and supplements…cold turkey…and she plunged into psychosis. In that state, she dug at her leg and gave herself a staph infection that took her life. The thing about her burgeoning recovery was that not only was she getting better, but she was nicer….a LOT nicer….nicer to me than she’s ever been. I got a tiny taste of having the mom I always wanted from the mother I had and it was yanked away almost over night. Now I am alone in my home with all her things around me and the pain is overwhelming and awful and frequently takes my breath away to the point I’m gasping for air.

    Added to this pain is the fact I am now alone…the last survivor of the family I grew up in. My father died in March 2003, my brother died 10/1/12 and mama died 10/9/13. I was still in deep grief for my brother when my mama died, but I had to just bury it in order to be able to care for her. So the grief for my father is starting all over again, the grief for my brother is now pouring out and the grief for my mother is just mountainous. It all just rushes over me in tsunami level waves.

    I am the trustee of her trust, much to the dismay of my brother’s three kids, who inherit his half of the estate. They are so dismayed that they sued to have me removed as trustee 6 weeks after her death….on 11/27/13, alleging that I’m stealing trust assets and not doing my job because they didn’t have their money yet. They actually confronted me the day we buried her and told me they wanted to *sit me down* and tell me what they learned from their attorney about the estate, ask me what happens next and then tell me what I needed to do. When I suggested they let me catch my breath and deal with the loss of my mother, I was told they lost their dad when he was only 56 and my mother was 81, so pretty much I should just get over it and that shouldn’t be too tough because of her age. And of course, that their loss was so much greater than mine. When my brother died, I was pretty much told the same thing….their loss was much greater than mine because he was *just* my brother whereas their family had lost husband and father. In addition to the loss of my core family, I’ve lost my sis-in-law whom I discovered is behind the lawsuit and my two nieces and nephew….I’ve lost them to betrayal and the realization that that bond was not broken, it was never there in the first place. What is especially painful is being accused of stealing when I was planning on sharing money that was left only to me.

    Being an Aspie, I have no friends where I live….the few I had all left this area after Katrina. I’m now on disability so I have no job where I could make more. I’ve never really been good at making friends in the first place, although I do have a few who live far away. A lot of people think Aspies don’t feel emotion strongly but that is far from the truth, we do feel….we just don’t exhibit it the same way….we tend to have meltdowns where Neuro-Typicals (NTs) do not. Because of having undiagnosed Asperger’s until the past year (I’m 60), my life has been very difficult and I’m viewed by my entire family as the family loser, the family embarrassment, the one talked about in whispers until I enter the room. Granted, the early years of adulthood were a disaster, but I’ve been pretty functional (not emotionally but otherwise every other way) for decades, but in my family, you’re never any better than your worst moment, nobody helps anybody because everyone is supposed to do everything on their own (stand on their own two feet) and if something bad happens to you, it’s your own fault (my totally destroyed home in Katrina, for example). Suffice it to say I have no support system. I do have two daughters who do love me, but they live 8 hours away and are busy with husbands, kids and jobs, so I try very hard to make our few phone conversations pleasant and not burden them with my grief.

    I’d like to go to counseling but I’m afraid my brother’s kids will use that against me in the lawsuit they filed. I’d like to get the bulk of my mother’s things out of my house but I can’t because the estate is on hold due to the lawsuit. I’d like to go see my kids and just get out of here for a while, but I can’t drive the car my mama left me because they named it in the lawsuit and it’s the only one I have. I’m pretty much just stuck in this one small spot with little room to turn in, at least for now. My experience is when people ask how I’m doing, what they want to hear is Oh, I’m OK. Anything other than that and they get uncomfortable and start changing the subject, leaving me to wonder why they even asked at all and reinforcing the belief that no one really wants to hear about your pain and grief, so keep it to yourself. Those are just acquaintances, so maybe that’s why….they were just being polite and I didn’t respond appropriately….taking things too literally, as usual.

    The bottom line is I think about my mother constantly, along with my brother and father. It’s a non-stop flood of a wide range of emotions that I have no outlet for other than the wracking sobs that overtake me on a daily basis. As difficult as my relationship was with my mother, it had its good times and I loved her with all my heart and still do. My relationship with my brother was solid and I miss him terribly, he was younger than me and we were supposed to share care of Mama when he moved here (which never happened because he died while preparing for the move) and then share our golden years. He was my hero. My father was my original hero, he was really something special. EVERYBODY liked him….I don’t remember anyone EVER having a problem with him, other than my mother, but that was just because she was who she was, not because of him. He was just plain awesome. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever get over the grief of losing my family and other times, I’m pretty sure I won’t. I just hope the intensity and frequency will subside enough for me to climb out of the depression and start living again.

    I really didn’t mean to write a book here, especially such a depressing one. I’m not even sure why I did, but it has been somewhat cathartic. I’m grateful for the chance to release some of what I’ve been carrying in an anonymous manner….it’s the first time I’ve been able to do that without the subject being changed….

  • Faye says:

    Dear Pamela, Please do not pay attention to negative words! ANY of them! Get yourself a GOOD attorney–I know, few & far between. TURN to the Lord Jesus! You can talk to HIM anytime, day or night. About EVERYTHING! Find a sound church and stick with it. SO sorry for each of your losses…problems. ONE DAY AT A TIME!
    In the LOVE of CHRIST JESUS, prayers, hugs…

  • Mark says:

    What do people suggest a man give to a woman who lost there Mother 3 years ago. The date of there mothers passing is coming up any suggestions she grieves every year and I was just thinking of something I could give or do for her.

    Thanks

  • Km says:

    I lost both of my parents 10 months apart. My stepdad in July of 2012 and my mom in May 2013. My mom and I were super close. She was only 67 when she died. They both died of cancer. I have always had anxiety and depression issues. Of course they skyrocketed after that. My mom was the only person to make me feel better when I was going through it. Yesterday was my mom’s birthday and Friday is my stepdad’s. I felt alright yesterday for the most part but today I feel so bad. Is this normal?

  • Shay says:

    I lost my mother August 19, 2013 almost 7 months ago. I am a 36 year old mother of a 15 yr old son in which she helped me raise. I go through my times of loneliness because she was all I had. She was a single parent also. I miss her encouragement, smile, and especially her laughter. I have my moments of guilt as far as saying things I should have said to her while she was still here to hear them…like I love her and I appreciate her and everything she sacrificed in her life to make sure I didn’t go without. We had our disagreements but what child doesn’t disagree with their parent from time to time. She suffered from RA, connective tissue disease, Scleroderma and she was in pain all the time and I watched a strong willed woman deteriorate right in front of me. I was hard for me. I can never forget the morning she told us to call 911 and the took her to the emergency room we followed the ambulance went to park the car and as soon as we walked into the room she looked at me and said ” I’m going to die” those are the words that forever ring in my head. I broke down and so did my son. So the nurse to us that she was going to change her into her gown and we can come back into the room but when the nurse closed the door my mom had took her last breath. It hurts because I wasn’t there with her and I didn’t get a chance to tell her I LOVE HER. But God does all things well. She is resting in His arms and she is FREE from pain.

  • Faye says:

    Mark: In regards to “what” you can give, do for “a woman who lost her Mother 3 years ago”–suggest doing things to Honor the memories (her fav restaurant or meal/dessert)
    flowers to her burial site, play music to remember her by. ANY of these things should help. However, along with doing “traditional” things to Honor her: make some NEW TRADITIONS with the woman who lost her. (Sorta’ like the old saying, “make new friends but keep the old; one is silver & the other gold”! By the “Traditions”, you’re saying to keep her dear to heart; with the New, it will eventually take on the happier parts of life.
    Not sure if I am speaking clearly what I mean, but, I hope so. Give your Lady reassurance that it’s alright to miss her Mom! And to REMEMBER her as well! Do not think her Mom would want her to…grieve terribly.
    Take care. God bless you for wanting to help your Lady with the upcoming “time” of passing.

  • Faye says:

    Shay, My Mother passed August 20, 2013. It SERIOUSLY hurts for sure. I love & miss her SO much. She lived with me (I’m a widow for years now; my Son is grown & married with his own Son–they live in another state) so it’s not like it was taking anything away from my Family for her to come live with me. I would not have had it any other way! . She was in and out of hosp. and physical rehab units; but was here with me most of the time. I am very THANKFUL TO GOD for that. We were able to bless each other better, got closer in our relationship…cooked together, she always insisted upon helping me do some cleaning too! Yes, that was my MOM! Made an exercise routine together (for HER needs, which just happened to help me as well).
    Very sorry that your Mother’s passing was as it was. It’s very hard, to say the least.
    My Mom had chosen hospice at one point…NOT my wishes. A Family Friend was able to get us hospice help in the home 24/7, which was a blessing. However, I (being a nurse for 40 years–retired couple years ago) did NOT like the doctor’s orders for Mom’s medications: they were “’round the clock”. So, she got to where she was drowsy, slightly confused at times. She only lived 5 days after starting hospice in-home. That last morning, she never woke up. Truly, broke my heart.
    Do NOT hang on to those feelings of guilt! Your Mom KNEW of your love for her (and her Grandson’s love as well). Take ALL the wonderful memories and cherish them in your hearts! Don’t loose them. Recall the “traditions” you Three had together: maintain some, and make some new traditions as well. Honor her memory, in part, by being good to each other and yourselves. And others when you can.
    I always struggle with “Why, God, why?” (have lost my Husband, a newborn Daughter, my youngest Son, 3 Nephews, my Dad). Thus, I do argue with HIM sometimes. STILL.
    But HE does know best…and has EVERYTHING under HIS CONTROL…HIS PERFECT PLAN…
    Mom is at REST now. She was always worried about me (type 1 diabetes for 50 years now). I’m THANKFUL she has NO WORRIES ANYMORE. She’s been REUNITED with MANY LOVED ONES IN HEAVEN–AND HER OWN MOM AND DAD! THAT can make one’s heart smile, and be glad.
    Take care, Shay & Son! God bless you both–as you seek to be a blessing to HIM and others.

  • Carlo says:

    Thanks for sharing this beautiful article and I think I spent already an hour reading everything including the comments.

    I lost my mother when I was 2 and my father when I was 8 years of age. What hurts me the most when I was growing up was to see a complete and a happy family. I am jealous of how fortunate those kids were. I miss them and I keep on praying for their souls too.

    I’m 28 now. I’ve been through a lot but all experiences I had molded me to a better individual and with different perspective in life.

    Your post inspired me to make a write up as well. I hope you don’t mind if I share it here too.
    http://www.carloisles.com/blog/the-feeling-when-you-lose-your-mother/

  • Faye says:

    CARLO: Thank you for sharing with us. So VERY SORRY that your Mama had to leave when you were merely 2…and your Papa, when you were 8…
    Life is NOT EASY. We must TRUST THE LORD GOD, & take it ALL One day at a time…
    Whatever memories you do have–CHERISH them forever.
    HOPE that the tape will show up again!
    Take care Man, and God bless you & your siblings.

  • Jessica Nixon says:

    Thank you for having this article, it’s so awesome.
    I’m 20 years old and I lost my mother five months ago to a massive brain aneurysm. She was only 44. She was on life support for 4 days after that. My dad had to make the hardest decision of his life on the fourth day, but the doctors couldn’t do anything for her anymore. I miss her so much everyday. It’s only gotten a little bit better but not much. My mother was like my best friend. We were so close. I told her everything, we spent a lot of time together. My mom always said, we had a relationship that most moms wished they had with their daughters. I see her in everything. Like when I go to work, riding in the car a Kenny Chensey song will always come on, she use to love him. Even at the house, I can feel her. Loosing her was the worst thing that’s ever happened to me. She was a shining light in mine and my dad’s life. We are so lost sometimes. This has caused us to want to move, so we are moving back to our hometown in Arkansas, where my mother is also buried. We want to be closer to her and the rest of our family. We have made so many memories, I think about them all the time. The one question, that always stumps me though, is why ? Why my mom? Our lives were going great and we all were heading in wonderful directions in life. Then that one night, I received a phone call from my father, that my mother was very sick, that she had fainted at Taco Bell. I will never forget that haunting moment. It haunts me every day. I always say to myself though, I will see you again mom, someday. It makes me feel better, but not all the way. There always be the part of me that doesn’t feel better. Because when my mom passed, she took a piece of me with her.

    • Kim says:

      “Because when my mom passed, she took a piece of me with her”. That is ABSOLUTELY how I feel and my mom passed in the Spring of 2008. Time helps but anyone you have ever loved so much, there are still moments when you miss them so much and cry a little bit. But then I think, I am so very lucky to have had a mother whom I loved with all my heart and who made me so happy and whom I made so happy. I got on this site because I was feeling sad that she never got to see her grandchild and was somehow sad. I see my husband’s mom playing with her and for my daughter, she is her Grandmother, but my mom would have been such a wonderful grandmother, too, and I wish that could have been. Best wishes to you.

  • Faye says:

    Carlo: Any good that may have come from my words, is appreciated. You are most welcome, for my response to your dear post.

    Hope things have gotten better for you…& for ALL here.
    GOD’s blessings to you!

  • jay says:

    i just wanted to say that all of your stories are very touching and i am sorry for everyones loss as well. my mother died 11 years ago today, and i was 10 years old my brother turned 12 two weeks before. even though it has been over a decade i still cry so bad that it hurts, i dont know what to do its on march 28th (today) and her birthday is hard to becasue it is 12/24 (christmas eve) and ever other day i think about her i just smile and know that she is happy and always with me, but this day is so hard! my husband said that i am depressing and that he dosnt understand becasue he hasnt lost a parent and cant tell me how to feel but is somewhat concerend becasue our daugther is 3 and he dosnt want her to be sad like that to or feel a certain type of way. i just dont know how else to handle it, i dont want to make anyone feel akward or wired but that is how i feel, like there will always be a hole in my heart that will never be filled. i am very greatful for my husband and daugther they are the best thing in my life and honest believe god sent them to resuce me from the dark path i was headed down. i just need some other way to handle this i dont want it to affect my daugther, she knows who grandma debbie is, and i dont want her to have anxitey about death like me either. any advice is helpful. thank you all for listening and sharing your stories.
    p.s. my brother is a heroin addict so we dont talk and my dad dosent talk to me becasue my husband is aferican american. so i really have none to talk to that shares my loss.

  • sweetgreenbird says:

    As of yesterday, it has been exactly 3 months since I lost my mother. I am married but my husband and I are currently living at my parents house. My mother battled breast cancer for 11 years. After I got married 3 years ago, we had agreed to live with my mom because of her health situation. She started off with having 2nd stage breast cancer 11 years ago. After Chemo and radiation she was on remission until 2010 when she was told it had come back. I remember the day her doctor said it was 4th stage but it wasn’t terminal. Yet, my mom broke into tears. I, on the other hand, upon hearing that it wasn’t terminal kept smiling at home and comforting her. I kept on telling her that she will live for many years. Even though she was at 4th stage she did not appear so at all. No believed that she was even sick. She was still active, up and about with her daily routine until August 2013 when she suddenly started throwing up. After that she was not the same again. She had to be hospitalized for 3 weeks in which she lost 40 pounds. Seeing our mother go through this was unbearable and I mean just unbearable to see my strong mother suddenly so weak and going through so much pain. Yet despite seeing all this I never believed that she would pass away. My mother was always a fighter and I was sure she would recover soon. However, for the next four months, (after spending 3 weeks in the hospital) she was constantly going back and fourth to the ER almost every other weekend, then it became every weekend until suddenly it stopped. She was getting better and better but her doctor said otherwise. Her cancer rate was growing inside

    My brother finally took my mother to Germany after we saw that she got her strength back. However, it was too late. Doctors in Germany said that she should have come sooner. It was difficult to bring her sooner because we were waiting for her to get her strength back. On December 28th, I got devastated call from my brother saying that we should take the next flight. Our mother got an infection and things have gotten very serious. He told me that we have about 24 hours. My father, my baby brother, and I reached there in 12 hours but she was gone by then. My heart broke that I wasn’t with her at the last moment but, when I saw her after she passed I was crying and screaming like anything. I fell to the floor and father helped me up. My family realized that it was for the best that I was not with her during her last moment. She and I were so close that if the doctor were to tell me that she had a couple of hours left, i would have screamed then. I lost my true best friend, the woman who’s love can’t compare to no one.

    I am grateful that my older brother with her during her last moments. He was calmed and never told my mom that she was going according to what the doctors said. The German doctors would take my brother outside the ICU and tell him how much time she has left. Yet, my my brother said that he still had hope and he told me that my mom was not in pain and left in peace.

    I still cannot accept that she is gone. Everything around my house reminds me of her. Everything was hers. My father left it to me decide on how to run things in the house now. It saddens me because before he would leave it all to my mother. My mother gave me so many wedding gifts that I had been able to use or open yet. She had gotten them for me to use when I get my own place. Seeing my baby brother in pain, although he is in his twenties, yet he is the baby of our family. Me and my brothers were extremely close to my mom. My mother was very overprotective of us. I miss that terribly. I so wish she was here to call me 10 times to see where I am and whether I have left from work or not. Despite knowing my mom’s health situation, I still did not expect that she would pass away so quickly. I am struggling to cope and accept that she is gone. I still lose sleep at night whenever I think of her.

  • raven says:

    When my dear friend lost her beloved Mom years ago I held her in my arms as she broke down in the street and cried out, “when you lose your mother you lose everything”.

    At that time my sweet Mom lived, so I could only feel a deep sorrow and compassion for my friend and hold her close, kiss away her tears and whisper she is watching over you so you are not alone”.

    As soon as I lost my Mother my friend’s words came flooding back into my soul and I joined the sisterhood of exactly what that extremely special Mother Daughter bond is, and the extreme grief I encountered the day it was permanently severed and lost, which also was the day when I joined that very special Mother Daughter lost souls club.

    I held my mother in my arms day and night for 4 days in the hospital, while she was comatose, and whispered to her, hugged her, kissed her, read Bible passages to her, sang to her, caressed her face. held her hands, washed her, and grieved every moment of what was yet to come from within, as my beloved Mom lay dying of unexpected renal kidney failure.

    I knew even in coma she would hear me as the hearing is the last to go before the heart stops beating.

    Nevertheless absolutely nothing ever prepared me for the hell on earth I would feel when my mother drew her last breath and died in my arms.

    How utterly grief stricken, confused, abandoned, and lost I would feel and continue to feel from that moment on.

    There was nothing to prepare me for the tsunami of grief and tears which would rob my ability to breath, sleep, eat, cook, function, and rob me of my will to want to go on living without my Mother……all I wanted to do was go to God and be reunited with her again, and with my immediate family who have all left me alone on Earth. One is a very lonely number. I lost 40 pounds in one month, hardly slept because that death video kept playing on stop, so I was mostly awake and in the darkest grief stricken place I could ever find myself in.

    Nothing else mattered. I just managed to call and have her body picked up and cremated and her ashes returned to me, and then I ordered an internment vase to keep them in my home. My Mom always said keep me close to you so you do not have to go to the cemetery, since it is a lonely dangerous place for a woman alone these days. She did not want a memorial service or a funeral to be buried. She wanted cremation. So I granted her exactly what she wished for.

    I can say since my beloved Mom drew her last breath that sacred special mother daughter caregiver bond was permanently severed…completely broken……and lost forever for as long as I remain on this earth alone.

    Mom we never had any closure and I never had the chance to tell you that your kidney failed and you was going to go to God, to be with her parents, and your son, who died at the young age of 42.

    Mom I never had the chance to ask for your forgiveness, and receive yours, had we ever done anything unintentionally to hurt each other.

    Mom I never had the chance to reassure you that I as the last member of my immediate family would try to be okay until God also granted me the peace the world could no longer give.

    Mom I never had the chance to say Mom I love you, and hear you reply those words you always said which were “I love you more daughter”.

    Mom we never had that last moment to gaze into each others eyes and see the unbelievable bond of love mirrored from each others eyes which emanated from deep within our souls.

    Mom we never had the chance to say so long for now, until we meet again in God’s Heaven reunited in everlasting life.

    Mom I never had the chance to tell you as I held you close to my heart, that I understood it was time for you to give yourself to God Mother, and take your last breath, and just let go.

    Mom I never had the chance to whisper as I held you against my heart do not be afraid Mom, as I am still here with you and so is God……you are not alone and will never be alone, because God is also here with us and has always been with us since we began our earthly journeys.

    Mom God will also remain with us as we depart his earthly realm and enter into his Heavenly journey into glorious Life Everlasting.

    So go in peace sweet Mother, Go with God and join all our departed loved ones who went ahead, and when my time comes as the last survivor please be there to greet me as God also escorts me into his Heavenly Kingdom and reunites us all in Everlasting Life.

    I believe the last thing I would have asked my Mother had I had the chance is to watch over me and give me strength to carry on, and come visit me in my dreams.

    Now here it is almost 3 years later and I still grieve and shed a tsunami of tears for I am still a lost child all alone with no living relatives left, nor any real friends who have moved away, lost touch, or also passed on.

    My neighbors keep to themselves by choice as they are immigrants and solely congregate amongst their own. Saying good morning or hello is a waste of energy as there is never a smile, nod of the head, or wave of the hand…just intentional unfriendly continued silence.

    In view of this I still feel all alone and longing to join you Mom……I hope my earthly wait arrives because I never knew grief as deep as my grief of losing you Mom………and this grief will be my torment until I draw my last breath on earth, and pray to be reunited with you and all our loved ones who went ahead of me.

    • Gloria says:

      Hi Raven,
      Oh, I understand exactly how you feel.I too lost my mom almost three years ago.She passed away of cancer.It was a few days after Mother’s Day of 2011.This year the anniversary of her death will be Mother’s Day,May 11th.I cry for my mom every single day.It has not gotten any easier over the years.In fact, I miss her more now than ever.All my relatives have also passed away.I feel very alone at times.I do have my husband and son, but it is not enough.I want and need my mom.She was everything to me.My dad died when I was very young so it was always just mom and I.We lost so many family members through the years but we still had each other.I am lost without her.Friends have all drifted away.There is no one in the world like your mom.She is the one person who will always be there for you and love you.As I am getting older and I face illnesses, I miss her not being here to take care of me.We always took care of each other.I feel guilty that I couldn’t help her get better.As you can see Raven, I feel exactly as you do.It will not matter how many years pass, I will miss my mom forever.She was and still is my mom.I will always love and miss her.I know that you feel the same way about your mom.I just wish that it didn’t hurt so much.At times, I literally feel that my heart is breaking.My mom may be the one that left, but she took a huge part of me with her.I am lost without her, so I do understand how you feel.Everyone on this site will understand how you feel , as they all share the same loss we do.Try and hang in there.Believe me , I know it’s hard.Please post again.I would really like to know how you are doing.I do care !

  • Meagan "Megatron" says:

    I just lost my mother today at the age of 80 (her, not me). I’m only 13, so I’m struggling as well. I just thought I’d add to the conversation, that I will be plagued with guilt now, because I never told her how sorry I was for how I’ve acted.
    She died of Alzheimer’s, and I don’t know how I can cope with this and go back to school.

    I just wanted to add to this conversation, but since it’s been going for so long, go ahead and look over this.

    • Julie says:

      Hello Meagan~
      I’m 54 and I lost my mom on Feb. 7th of this year (2014). For many years my mom and I did so much together, we were very close and when she started getting sick I was with her through it, I held her hand as she took her last breath. It was a quiet, calm and special moment because I had told her only three hours earlier that I will be there for her, that I will be with her when God takes her.
      My mom raised eight kids (5 girls and 3 boys) all by herself and she knew what we were all about as most moms do because they’re moms. Moms love there kids from their first breath just as your mom did the day you were born Meagan. I wanted to write especially to you (not because the other letters didn’t touch my heart because they all did) because I was so touched by your letter about you losing your mom, you’re only 13 and how guilty you will now feel because of how you acted.
      My dear, before your mom got real sick in losing memory, she knew you inside and out, you probably did and said things that most tweens/teens do, and whatever it is you are feeling guilty about is something that your mom wouldn’t want you to hang on to. Your mom would want you to hold onto the happier memories of you two, the better times, the laughter. You are going to grieve for sure and it takes a long time as I am finding myself.
      Let me tell you about a few things I have done and maybe it will help you too. I pull out photos and put them in order in books with captions underneath telling what the photo is about, that way you are re-living that day which brings a smile and a lighter heart for the moment. I wear her little fleece jacket when I’m feeling chilly cause I feel like it’s a hug from her, I talk to her about anything and carry a photo with me to help me feel like she is there. I tell her good night before I go to bed with the hope that if I sleep, I dream of her or receive a sign, anything. Well, the anything happened for me a few weeks after mom died, none of my siblings though. I think this happens for others too and maybe someday for you Meagan-you never know.
      One night when I was in my usual troubled semi-sleep, I heard my mom call out my name in a tone that was loud and clear. I popped my head up off my pillow looking around for her to see what she wanted. It was Moms tone of voice and the way she said my name that let me know she was okay now and I should sleep; that I don’t have to worry about her. I lay my head back down on my pillow and was drifting off when I felt her sit beside me and then I felt her hand on the top of my head, something she used to do when we were younger. I will never forget that, I can hear her voice in my head saying my name and feel her comforting hand on my head when I think about that special night. It was no dream. I sleep better now, most of the time.
      You should also know that I have two daughters in their twenties and so I’m well aware of things girls your age go through, it can be tough but I always knew through thick and thin my girls always loved me. I tell you this to help you realize this about your mom too, she loved you Meagan and she knew you loved her.
      I just wanted to let you know that whatever you did that you are feeling guilty about, try and understand that your mom knew you loved her. Your mother is well now and watching from above, try and get through one day at a time, loving her memory and yourself, making her proud of all that you can become and will become.
      I know this is a lot for a 13 year old to read but I hope it helps. If you feel like it you can write back again. :)

  • Joan says:

    Raven, I am soo sorry you’re feeling so much grief and hurt right now…I know everyone who posts here is hurting, too. I am almost 50, and my mom passed to Heaven a year ago Christmas. I still cry several times a week and miss her every single day. I sometimes mentally relive her dying process at Hospice but try desperately not to because I know she is in a wonderful place and not laying on a bed struggling for breath anymore! Are you seeing a grief counselor? Is help available through a nearby church? I really urge you to seek that out as it has helped me so much. Women’s groups at church can also be a great source of friendship! The fact that you don’t have nearby relatives does make the loss of your mom more difficult. Even though you might not feel like it, I hope you keep reaching out to make connections! Keep us posted!

  • caitlyn says:

    Hi,
    This post brought me great comfort – I don’t know anyone personally who has lost their mother recently and it’s helpful to know I’m not alone. I lost my mother September 23rd, 2011, three weeks before I was leaving for my first year of college right after high school. She had no illnesses and died suddenly from an extremely rare and rapid type of brain infection that doctors are still trying to figure out. I’m an only child with no father in the picture, and I never had much of a social life because my mother was my best friend and I took great joy in spending most of my time with her, I felt I had no need for anyone else until I lost her so suddenly, and was left by myself to figure out how to do everything an ‘adult’ is supposed to do. I feel very alone and to this day still struggle to meet people and find support. She was a wonderful woman and I hope that she’s in heaven waiting for me :) Thanks for writing such an understanding piece.

    • Mindy says:

      Caitlyn,

      I am sorry you have had such a loss. Praying you find peace and a strong support system. No one can take the place of our Moms. But I am slowly learning there are many wonderful ladies out there who would be honored to play a small role in our lives. Since no one woman can replace my mom, my strategy is to have several different ladies in my life, each who fill one aspect of who she was to me. I don’t know if it will work but it is helping me keep my sanity at the moment.

  • Mindy says:

    I lost my mom almost 2 months ago. She was 54, I’m 32. I am thankful for who she was and who she trained me up to be. I am blessed, she was there to kiss my owies, to go wedding dress shopping, to see my children born. She got me to the point where I can make it without her but the truth is I still need her. She was supposed to be well wrinkled and driving me crazy by telling me the same story for the fourth time. Instead she died abruptly and unexpectedly. I know she’s with Jesus and for that I am happy for her but there are moments when the loss is unbearable. I keep thinking if I just learn to accept it then it will stop hurting, it will all be as it was, but it won’t ever be the same again. In time I’m sure it will get easier, but never the same.

    • Perla says:

      Hi Mindy,
      I also lost my mom 2 months ago. She was 57 and I’m 30. I know exactly how you feel. I also feel blessed that she was able to be with me on my wedding day. I’m proud of the relationship that we had. I know that everybody says the same thing, but she truly was MY BEST FRIEND. Like I try to explain to other people: I didn’t only lose my mother, I lost my best friend, my confident, my everything. I know that we are never prepared for the loss of our mothers, but I feel like she left too soon. I feel that we still had so many things to do, places to go, experiences to live. It kills me that I couldn’t give her a grandkid. I lost a baby 8 months ago. I know she would have been the best grandmother. She died unexpectedly while vacationing in my home country, and I didn’t have a chance to say goodbye. I know she is in peace, with God and I know that she is watching over me and that we will be together again someday. It is just that I miss her so much that it literally hurts. I thought that things were going to get better after 2 months, but they are actually getting worse. There is not a moment of the day that I’m not thinking about her and missing her. It just hurts too much. I feel like a big part of me is missing, and I feel that I’m broken inside. I don’t know if this pain is ever going to go away.

  • Maggie says:

    I lost my Mumma when I was 12. I am now almost 54-two years older than she was when she passed on. You never ever get over the loss of your mother. I miss her every day, even tho I always keep a brave face–i remember my Dad saying at the funeral-no tears. I know now that it was for him-he couldn’t have stood it he loved her so. Never remarried. He died 25 years ago today. I miss him, too, like it was just yesterday. But — my faith in God and the firm belief that we will all be reunited one day gets me thru most tender days. I am not particularly religious, but the thought helps. Other days I think God ripped me off. Then I am sorry for it. I am only human

  • Laura says:

    Thank you for this very moving article. I lost my mother in August 2013. I am now feeling more grief than I did in the immediate. I’m a married woman and I still have my father. However, I lack siblings and children.

    My father will not talk about my mother. I feel very alone. I want people to talk about my mother and cry and laugh and feel whatever feelings I have, ensure them with someone that knew my mother, but my father cannot seem to do this. Reading the part about stopping the child’s grieving process, is exactly where I feel I am at. Even though I am in my mid-40s, I was still my mothers child.

    Not being able to grieve her loss with my father, is really taking this process away from me.

    I am in therapy, and I do talk about my mother in therapy, again this is more with a stranger.

    I am starting to think that it may be a good idea to print a photo or two of my mother when she was healthier, and to take out some of her dollhouse furniture. I even felt like bringing some of these items to my therapist. He’s the one person that I am opening up to, but did not know my mother.

    This may sound odd too many, but I do believe that we all have that need to have others know who our loved ones were.

    I’m having very tumultuous times during my marriage right now, and there is no doubt that I wish my mother was present. The thought of going through so many different things without her Charlie pains me.

    I do feel as if I need a grieving group, a safe place to share my feelings with others who will understand.

    I’m unsure of where to find a group even like this, and may ask my therapist next.

    I guess my question is for someone like myself, who has no children, no extended in-laws or relatives, what do I do? I feel very alone, and it’s a terrible feeling. Just bringing up my sadness seems to make everyone run in another direction. So my friends may not be Fairweather friends, but they are in capable of dealing with this loss themselves.

    I than you for any advice you may have. And I thank you for writing this article. It was very moving and I appreciate it.

    • Donna says:

      Laura,
      I just lost my mom in Feb. of this year to Inflammatory Breast Cancer. She was diagnosed with it in November 2013. It had already advanced throughout her body by the time the initial diagnosis was made. She hid the signs from us for a long time because she did not want to go through the pain from treatment my dad went through in his battle with Cancer. (We lost him in 1999) The loss of my father was painful, but my mother’s loss rocked my world and still does as I go through her things, I smile laugh and cry at the memories. My step-father does not talk of my mother much, but I have learned it is because of the pain in facing his loss brings him. My mom turned 80 several weeks before she passed and I celebrate the fact she live a long and advent filled life, it does not take away the fact that I miss her , and feel lost without her. I am her youngest daughter , and was her main care giver as she faced health issues. She helped me raise my children, my son who is 17 helped take care of her too. They had a special bond and he is struggling with his grief as is my 19 year old daughter who is so much like my mom in ways that it makes me smile. I have learned that it takes one step at a time and one day at a time to work through the grieving process, some days are better than others. My mom will always be alive in my heart and memories and words that I share with others about her. She was a fighter and always marched to the beat of her own drum and always did things on her’s and God”s terms. Do not be afraid to share your mom’s memories, your love for her and your memories with those close to you. Your father will have to work through his grief in his way. He may be a private person like my stepfather. It helps keeping a journal of memories you have of her and also your emotions that you may feel about these memories. Keeping a record of your memories and your emotions as you work through your loss, will help you through the grieving process. The one thing that I do know is that while my mom may have gone ahead of me, her love is still very much alive and here with me. I feel it like a warm blanket wrapped around me when I am feeling lost, alone and afraid. Your mom’s love is still with you also, love is something that never dies. I wish you peace, Happiness, and I hope you are able to find the outlet you need to process and work through your grief. God Bless and Be with you.
      Donna

  • the last musketeer says:

    Dear Gloria,

    Many thanks for your kind reply.

    We who lost our Moms know the pain which will outlive us.

    Of course losing others in the immediate family is very painful and I have lost everyone and am the sole survivor now, but I must comment that when I lost my Mom I feel as though I also lost myself in that process.

    A Mother ties us to our identity as daughters, and that special Mother Daughter bond is real and alive as every breath we take. Once either one dies the other becomes lost in a sea of pain and grief.

    What is that saying “A son is a son until he takes a wife, but a daughter is a daughter the rest of her life”…..I was care giver to my Mom every day, and now that she died my days are long, empty, and lonely. Grief for me will outlast me on earth, and I so look forward to eternal life when my time comes to be reunited again with my beloved Mother, and all my departed loved ones.

    May God give us more strength, understanding and courage to march on Gloria.

    Take care Gloria, and everyone who grieves, and please remember we are never alone, as God is always besides us.

    • raven says:

      Sorry Gloria as Raven is the correct user name on this web site.

      I belong to many grief sites so in my haste to reply I posted my other user name for a different grief web site.

  • Faye says:

    TO: the last musketeer Very familiar with your circumstances; but, am NOT the last…
    Miss MOM very much–was her care giver for her last 8 months (she lived with me then–when she wasn’t at hosp/p.t.rehab/surg./or hospice). LOVED having her with me! And, I admit that much of my life she made me a bit crazy…but she ALWAYS meant well! Her heart was so loving & giving! She went HOME to JESUS August 20, 2013. However, she was not the first to be carried HOME…also have a Daughter, Husband, Son, 3 Nephews, Dad & Mom THERE! MISS & LOVE THEM DEEPLY. PLUS: all my ancestors already HOME!
    THANKFUL that my older Son is still here–with his Wife & Son! Yes, my GRANDSON!!! We have to continue to live the best that we can. Continue to LOVE. Continue to GIVE when we can—GIVE of ourselves is what I am referring to.
    GOD BLESS US EVERY ONE! Prayers for ALL. BLESSED & HAPPY EASTER—PASSOVER!

  • Alice says:

    Dear Perla: It definitely takes more than a couple months for things “to get better”. When I lost an preemie Baby Girl, it was at least a year–& doctors said go ahead & try for another. ‘Course, your health is dependent on that. Lost my Husband (he was 33; sudden, unexpected)…only got a little better after ~ 3 years. But after the 4th year, lost our younger Son (Joseph David, age 14). NEVER get beyond losing him. He was a WONDERFUL SON! Happy, loving, kind…still miss him deeply. Our older Son (Ed Jr.–he’s a WONDERFUL SON as well! they BOTH got that from the Dad!!) is married for 8+ years now & they have a Beautiful Son–YEAH! My GRANDSON! (his middle name is same as his Uncle Joseph’s…). Mom passed 8 1/2 months ago. MISS her SO MUCH!
    But One cannot even guess “when” things may get better…EVEN with experience! Each & every LOSS is different. So, do what is right for YOU. Doesn’t matter if someone else says anything about “how” you SHOULD be doing. We’re ALL different ! One more time: EVERY PERSON has to do what is right, good, best for themselves. And NOBODY push them! GOD bless you & yours–make some NEW TRADITIONS to HONOR your Mother. And, might have to change, or tweak, whatever you choose to do–till you get it just the way you (& Family!) want it.

  • Nicole says:

    This past July my mom passed away; she was only 37. Im 19 & my little sister is 7. I miss my mom more than anything but I know i’ll be okay.
    I’m nervous for my sister though; i feel like the whole concept of death does not make sense to her yet . Our dad is not in our life at alll (which is good),so now its just me,her & our grandparents.
    I’m just scared how she’s going to react to everything while growing up without mom. I can’t compare myself to her situation because I grew up with having mom around all the time ; and she is not going to be able to have that..
    Soo, im curious if anyone went through the same situation my sister is (loosing mom at a young age)

  • Alba says:

    6 months ago i saw my mum last breath and trying to tell us sonething without success. People doesnt talk about how horrible it is to see someone you really love passing. And my most concern is not just missing her now. It is the confusion and wonder where and how is she. Cant stand the feeling to llive without knowing nothing about her. I have not suicidal tendencies. But i kind of expect my death just to check about her and be part of it. i am 27 and i know most of people doesnt undertand this, at all. I feel im living something horrible that at same time gives me priceless knowledge. Agree that we will never be the same, i actually feel kind of selfish to be alive and cannot understand why all this suffering in the world. It also happened to me ive lost my confidence and my positivity. Because why she had to suffer all that much when she was a great person? Cant believe anymore when peopke say; everything will be allright. I could not tell her that.

  • Jessie says:

    I just lost my mother thursday may 1,2014 its been really hard on because she passed away in my house her and my daughter shared a room now my daughter refuses to sleep in there how can i tell her that her nana would never hurt her so she will go back to sleeping in there ?

    Please help

  • SFGAL says:

    My mother died a week ago! i will post in a few weeks times, still in a shock and grieving and I am coping because I know that the good Lord knows what he was doing! he can never hurt me intentionally! My mother was my rock( No ) she is still my rock.

  • Melody kitchen says:

    This is such a lovely article, a month and a half ago I loss my mom to cancer. I found out in mid February of her diagnosis. I had been planning my wedding during this time, she hadn’t been feeling well since sept so I tried not to trouble her with all the little mundane details, even though I didn’t realize the severity of her not feeling well. She passed away suddenly at her home 5 weeks after telling us kids and her only knowing for sure for 6 weeks. She died March 22 and my wedding was planned for April 12. I was numb… And I couldn’t make the decision to push the wedding back a while. I new what she had wanted so I moved forward. At 32 I had lost my mom, planned her funeral and a week after her funeral had my wedding. I can’t even explain how hard this past month and a half have been. Loosing my best friend whom I was inceperable with at such a monumental time. Although there was comfort knowing she wouldn’t suffer how so many suffer with terminal cancer. This article helped and touched base on how I was feeling. Thank you

  • Sindhu says:

    Dear Lisa,

    Thank you for the wonderful post. It moved me to tears and that doesn’t happen often.
    I m 26 and my mother died in a motor vehicle accident on June 11th 2012. It will be 2 years in a month and I find that very hard to believe. We understood each other perfectly, and regularly fought over the silliest of things and always made up after a while. I resisted everything till she forced it upon me. hated to admit when she was right. But we were a team. we shared the same dream for my career and future. But her sudden death has halted my life. One regular morning we set off for work and she dint come back home in the evening. I felt her hand grow cold in mine, as i sat in the hospital.
    My father, brother and I are trying to keep it together and living each day as it comes, making an effort to keep our lives going like it was before.

    I think of her everyday, all the time. She had so much of her life ahead of her. She was barely allowed to reap the fruits of her hard work and watch my brother and me settle down in life. I missed her a lot at my graduation, and I dread my wedding more than anything (if and when that were to happen). I cannot imagine someone who dint know my mother at all, being my significant other because what I am today is a mere shadow of what i used to be when she was around. Reading your mother’s response to the same question which haunts me, brought me clarity in a way. Thank you for that. I know that I am my mother’s legacy and I knew her heart as well as she did mine. It will never cease to be less true that she is gone.

    The comments and stories shared by other readers were truly moving. Your personal situation seems to be a challenging one, I hope your daughter and you are able to part ways with fewer unsaid things, when the time comes.

  • Bonie says:

    Hey guys, I just wanna thank you for sharing your stories…..I am 28yrs also recently lost my mom who was 46 yrs on the 7th of April 2014. She was not sick or and never complained about anything or pain that troubles her. On the 7th around 18:00 my mom and granny had supper and after that my mom went lock the gate. on her way back she said she was feeling dizzy and asked for water…..when granny gave her water to drink she fell and she passed away same time. I am so traumatised, dealing with the pain is so unbearable. I wasnt at home when it happened because i work far from home. I wish I had seen her at least got a chance to say my goodbyes to her. It so hard to accept all this, im the only child which makes the pain twice as hard coz i have no siblings to share the pain with. so now its just me and granny….I asked myself if God loves me, how can He not save my mom knowing she is my everything, my reason for breathing, my queen, my sister and my freind. Now all that is gone!!!! Sometimes i wish i can just die and follow my mom so that I wont feel this pain anymore, but then I think that will be selfish of me to leave Granny by herself.

  • I. Espinoza says:

    My mom died a little over a month ago, one day after my 28th birthday on April 8th, 2014. My mom had liver cancer which she was diagnosed with only five short months before she died. In February she had a procedure to inject chemo directly into her tumor and for all I knew, it was working because besides being a little tired, my mom was okay. I now see though, that procedure was the beginning of the end. I wish she would not have done it, but the doctors told her that was her only shot ( I didn’t know that either). She was still working up to one week before she died. She was so strong and I think that she was in a lot more pain then she was telling us kids because she was protecting us. I miss my mom so badly, it physically hurts. I cry at least once a day, many days much more. Thinking about the fact that I will never see her again hurts so bad. Like most mothers and daughters we had our differences but no matter what, she was my mommy and I was her baby. The thing that I am struggling with the most is that I had no idea how bad my mom’s condition was until weeks before she died. My mom knew how sad I would be so she kept the severity of her condition from me. Maybe it was also a little denial, but I truly believed my mom when she said she was going to fight it and that everything would be okay. About a month before my mom died, she decided she needed to check some things off her bucket list, one of those things being a trip Yosemite with my husband and I. We were supposed to go Easter weekend, but she never made it. Even then though, she told me she was going to be okay and that she would have time to do many more bucket list items, she never got to do any. My mom refused to have the “death discussion” with me because I think deep down, she wasn’t even willing to accept it herself let alone endure the heart break that telling me would bring to both of us. I just wish I could talk to her one more time. I wish she could give me one more piece of her motherly advice on how I will be able to live the rest of my life without her. I am devastated and heartbroken by this loss, and although I know that she kept me in the dark to protect my heart, I wish she would have told me so that I could have been there for hers and so that we could have had more precious moments together. My brother who lives closer to my mom was the one who would go to her appointments with her, and he would always tell me that things were not good, so I would call my mom and she would say things are fine and that my brother was over exaggerating. I now know that he was not, and I wish so badly that I wouldn’t have been in such denial. About a week before my mom passed, I got a call from my brother saying that mom was not doing well and that I better come down. I immediately rushed down to her. The moment she saw me she started crying and said “I’m not dying” but, she knew she was. It is just heartbreaking. The following weekend, a few days before she passed, my husband and I went to visit her and to be with her on my birthday. To no surprise, even with how sick she was, when we arrived she had organized a beautiful birthday party for me with balloons and cake and food, flowers and gifts. This was three days before she died and she was still trying to make sure her baby had a nice birthday. Even though I have my wonderful and caring husband who was also at my mom’s side when she died, I feel very alone. I loved her more than anyone else and I surely miss her more than anyone else. I keep waiting for signs that my mom is with me, but nothing so far. I just wish I could see her and talk to her one last time, so we could finally talk about the things she was not willing to talk about when she was alive. Something that sticks in my mind was this last Christmas, when my mom was making her award winning apple pie, I was supposed to be paying attention so I could learn how to make it but I didn’t because I thought I would have so many more opportunities to watch her, but now I won’t. On her death bed, she was talking about the apple pie. It breaks my heart. I hope this pain eases, but my sadness and sense of loss never will. The lesson I have learned is not to take time for granted. I thought I had so many more years with my mom, and just like that, she is gone. Who is going to be there to help me when I have babies? Who is going to to be my shoulder to cry on when the only person that could comfort me is the one who I have lost? My husband can’t bare this burden alone, it is not fair to him. I just feel lost. I don’t have a relationship with my father. He lives in Europe and I haven’t seen him in four years, and my brothers just don’t understand. They are much older than me and were not nearly as close with my mom as I was. I just want her back.

  • Joan says:

    I.Espinoza—hello…I am sorry for the grief you and all of the ladies here are experiencing. I read through your entire post and I have many of the same emotions. I’m older than you (50) and my mom was 78 when she passed Christmas before last. But I still think of her everyday and cry at times. My sister and my daughters and I were extremely close with her and helped take care of her. The pain will absolutely dull over time….not go away, but it will become easier to cope with. Its sounds like you were (and are) a great daughter to your mom. I think you mentioned that you will never see your mom again. I do not think that is true. The reason is because my sister and I have had a couple of AMAZING experiences since my mom passed. I’d be happy to share them if you’d like to leave your e-mail address. Take care, Joan

  • Sarah says:

    My name is Sarah, I am 21. I just lost my mom 8 months ago suddenly. Reading this has made me sad, but also reassuring. I’m not engaged but I am with someone serious who never met my mother. It makes it hard at times when I start crying and he doesn’t quite know what to do. I do talk of my mom often. I just think of 6 years from now like this woman and think of all the things she will miss. Reading this has helped. Thank you very much. My mother was my best friend, she was my hero.

  • Elaine says:

    My name is Elaine, I am 33 and lost my mother on Thursday 15 May 2014……without warning or any serious illness beforehand. My mother had me when she was 18, we shared a special bond, she was my best friend & much more, we never had any secrets.

    Nothing in the world could’ve prepared me for the day I lost my mother. Got a phone call from my brother (30) to say he is at my mother’s house and that the ambulance is on their way. He said he was called by our half brother, only 11, to say that there is something wrong with mommy and that she collapsed on the bed. My brother said meet us at the hospital as it would take us too long to get to her house, by then the ambulance would’ve taken her already.

    The last thing my brothers (30& 11) remembers is my mother lying in the ambulance and she showing them a thumbs up……….just to confirm that she is ok going alone in the ambulance and that they should just follow.

    On the way to the hospital my mother had a server heart attack in the ambulance.

    I arrived at the hospital first, the paramedics just took my mother inside. We all waited outside the ER waiting to see her. After about 30 minutes they came to give us an update………..The haven’t stopped with CPR for almost 45 minutes…….they didn’t confirm anything they just said they were still busy with her.

    They took us into the ER and made us comfortable in a room next to the Resusitation room. 15 min later a Chaplin arrived, the doctor came in and confirmed that they couldn’t do anything else for my mother……..the did CPR for more than an hour.

    I was overcome with so many emotions……….We all couldn’t believe it. My 11 year old brother was histerical, as he also lost his father in 2010…..my mother was his world!

    I went to see her after they declared her death, it felt like I was in a dream. I fell down on my knees next to her and just held her hand, she was still warm.

    They brought me all her jewelry, I put it on immediately. It has been 4 weeks and I can’t take her chain off my neck.

    The last 4 weeks have felt like a dream, 4 weeks without my mother has felt like 4 years without her. None of us have been away from our mother this long.

    I’ve felt numb, I’ve felt sad and I’ve felt angry the last few weeks. My life it upside down and it feels empty. I just want to phone my mom, listen to her voice and ask her advice.

    We now need to look after our half brother of 11. It’s a difficult task. We are all emotional and we deal with it in a different day. I feel I need to be the strong one as I am the eldest. It is not easy……

    My heart aches, I just want her back, I want to feel her hugs. I keep on putting some of her perfume on my arm, just to smell her, it make her feel close by….

    Love you lots mom!

  • Donna says:

    Elaine,
    I am a little younger than your mom by a couple of years, my heartfelt sympathy for your loss. l just lost my mom four months ago to inflammatory breast cancer. She was 80 years old, but so full of life. It was very fast , she was diagnosed in November 2013 and left us in Febuary. It sent us into a tailspin. I am almost 50 and the loss of Mom is just mind blowing at times. It is a process of one day at a time, one step at a time. I associate the smell of Jergens Lotion and Sweet Honesty perfume and powder with my mom, so I use those when I need the closeness with her. It is funny what we attach to our parents memories and a lot of it I find is special scents. I lost my dad in 1999 to Bladder Cancer and the smell of his fried chicken is my comfort scent. I think these types of memories are a way of keeping our loved ones alive in our memories . If wearing her things brings you comfort than do so. It takes some time but you will begin to heal inside, I don’t think we get over the loss of our moms or dads but we do learn acceptance gradually. I pray that you will find peace and comfort in the days to come. God Bless…. Donna

  • Dylan Worth says:

    Hello, I’ve been reading these I am 19 years old, and it’s been 5 years ever since I last saw my friend Michael. He was killed at the age of 15, and I was only a year younger, I can still feel his last heart beats, because he ended up jumping in front of a bullet for me. May 25th every year, I cry my eyes out, and play a song that reminds me of him. If it wasn’t for him, I would be dead. Many times have I had thoughts about my mom dieng, and it hurts too much to think about. Even though we don’t get along all the time, due to my rebellious teenage mind, I still couldn’t think of a world without her. Like reading these made me cry, I was watching a movie, and it brought out emotions, so I googled I don’t want my mother to die, I couldn’t live with out her, just to see the results, this site was the first one. My Grandfather died of lung cancer, but yet again it didn’t hurt as bad for I was only 4 at the time. Anyways I make sure I tell my mom I love her, I couldn’t imagine bring roses too my moms grave. I still cry, and grieve over Michael, sometimes wishing he wouldn’t of jumped in front of me. when you hear someone’s last words , it changes you. Anyways I just needed to type this, sorry if it goes against the rules of replying. I just needed to vent just as much as every one else. Take care everyone :)
    – Dylan

  • sGauthier says:

    I just lost my mom a month and a half ago. Just planning a trip up to Connecticut for the weekend to celebrate my little cousins 13th Birthday when @5am it all turned for the worse. I’m 36 and have a 34 y old sister. And at the time I had a 7 month old baby boy, whom she adored with all her heart. But from 1 min to another she was gone. Just like that….
    I cry everyday since she got I’ll on April 5 and passed away April 30, 2014. And when I say I cry everyday, I do. I just can’t stop thinking of her and now living in her old apt with her stuff. It’s too much.
    I can understand what u going thru at a time where u should be having the time of ur life at ur wedding just like my mom with my son.
    Both our guardian angels in heaven.

  • Debbie says:

    I am 39 and my mother lost her three year battle with cancer 4 days ago. I am a mom of three who adored her and I am trying to work through my grief and gain the tools to help them through their’s. They are 3,6 & 12. Suggestions welcomed.

  • jeaya says:

    Hi Im 22 and I just lost my mother almost a month now. She celebrated her birthday April 9, and as well as their wedding anniversary on April 27.. She had a stroke April 29 and was hospitalized for a month. She stayed in the ICU and being a nurse myself, I felt helpless knowing theres nothing much that I can do except for helping her relieve the coughing thru suctuoning. I’ve seen how she improves and later deteriorates. She died May 30, 2014 when she had another stroke, just a month after having the first stroke. She did everything for us, she worked overseas just so she can send my sister and I to college, and built a house for us. I always feel I could have done better for her. She is always there when I have problems. She will always be my sweetest memory.

  • […] When daughters grieve the death of their mothers […]

  • carlo says:

    since you are one of the person who inspired me to write my story, I included a link to this page on my website. Here it is http://www.carloisles.com/blog/2-year-old-boy-remembers-mother-after-her-death/

    thanks for being nice and able to relate to everybody. keep it up.

  • Lorie says:

    Wow. The grief is unbearable. Lost my Mom two weeks ago. I am 46, she was 70. Cancer. What I find most difficult is knowing this emotional pain will not go away.

    For those of you who lost mothers years ago…how do you go on?

    So many of you have written that you still cry all the time. I’m not sure I am that strong. The tears just keep coming. How do I function if it will never get easier?

  • Matt says:

    I just lost my sister 2 days ago to cancer, she was 48. She left behind her 14 year old daughter and my mom who was her closest friend. I imagine my brother and I will be ok, we have familys of our own. I am very concearned for my niece and mother. I know thier pain must be unbearable. My niece has no Father. The only father she has ever known was her grandfather my dad who she also watched die from cancer 6 years ago. I am trying to figure out how I can help them cope and how I can include them as much as possible in my family. I can’t imagine how much pain they are facing.

  • Faye says:

    To: Matt
    I am sorry to hear of the death of your Sister. Always hard to loose a Loved One to death.
    Simply, include your Niece & you Mother as much as you can! Truly! They may not always want to be included, but they can tell you that when it is the case.
    The bond is huge…and, men & women ARE different. (NOT saying this doesn’t affect you & Brother–I KNOW it does. May not have had time to…sink in yet.) You & Brother do as much as you can for the Family to be close–in heart! Talk with them frequently as possible; & be WILLING to listen when they need to talk about your Sister that has passed on! Indeed, this may be a loooong time coming–have PATIENCE.
    Perhaps, continue with an occasional tradition your Sister may have had with her Daughter, & your Mom; but also, after a bit, make some NEW TRADITIONS as well.
    You ARE Family! So, behave thusly! Prayers for ALL.

  • Laurie says:

    Yes… and to follow that response.. I often find the answer is in the question… for instance.. “I am trying to figure out how I can help them cope and how I can include them as much as possible in my family.” The answer is, “Help them cope. Include them as much as possible in your family.” It is all about keeping your heart open and following the message you already have. Your heart sounds like a kind heart. Trust it. “Ask” your sister. Listen and trust the voice or message you hear.

  • Vanessa says:

    I lost my mother to Leukemia 7 months ago. She was 68 years old. Life is so crazy that it gives me the impression that I have to get over my feelings and continue on. And while life still does go on, I don’t think I’ll ever get over losing her.

    I stumbled upon this blog today and this particular article hit a definite chord with me because I’m 27 and so I am experiencing a lot of the same feelings. Although my mom raised me with so much love and attention, it saddens me that she’s not going to be around for the adult milestones that are coming my way such as getting married and starting a family. I wanted her here for support and to share from woman to woman all the emotions that come with it. So now I know I have to figure all this out on my own, and it’s scary. I’m also in relationship with someone I care about so much, but the task of trying to get him to understand what I went through before meeting him is daunting. But I do talk about her to him often, so much that he says he feels like he almost knows her in person.

    My faith has kept me going up to this point knowing that she’s resting and no longer crippled by the horrible ailments that plagued her, but I realize when I do cry, I cry for me because I’m missing such a key component of my life. So coming to grips with the fact that the bad feelings are going to continue to come up for the rest of my life is part of the coping process, as is continuing to celebrate her life and continuing the fight for her….which is why I signed up to raise money for the Leukemia and Lyphoma Society by participating in a 10K. I figure putting my energy into something positive will help me put my mind as ease for the moment by serving as a distraction.

    But at the end of the day, I miss her every minute of every day. Her spirit will live on in me, and I plan on making that my mission. I wish everyone who has lost a loved one the best and may God give you the strength to at least look towards the next day.

  • Sweetgreenbird says:

    It has been about 7 months since I lost my mom. I wanted to know how do you move on when years go by?

    • Colleen says:

      It hasn’t been really long since I lost my mother but it had been over a year. You just have to find something to look forward to, to keep going. It is really rough the first year but it should get easier. I am 13 but I had to take on many responsibilities because of my mothers sickness and death. Trust me, it will get better. It just takes time to heal.

  • Shaldon says:

    Hi there i’m struggling to get over the death of my Mother I was 11 months when she passed away in a big car accident. I cant talk to anyone about her because everyone always stars crying when I just mention her name. I know nothing about her and just wish for one day with her. I don’t know if some of you had ever watched the movie “a mother for Christmas ” well that’s how I feel every day of my life. I’m engaged and getting married in a view months and its every woman’s dream to have her Mother there to help put on her dress and doing her make up and just tell her you look gorgeous my Little Princes.

  • Colleen says:

    I am 13 years old and my mother died just over a year ago. When I was 2, her heart stopped and she has to get a defibrillator to keep her alive. In 2012 since the left side of her heart was failing, she got a left ventricular assist device. Since I am the youngest child in my family I was always the closest to her. She had a tube that needed to be cleaned everyday that came out of her stomach and it kept her alive. I cleaned it when my dad was out of town and when he was out with friends. Then in the summer of 2013, she had cranial bleeding and she died. The last words I said to her were goodnight. Not I love you. It truly has been the worst year of my life. Someone has already tried to replace her. I hate them for doing that. No one can ever replace her. She was a reason why I liked getting up in the morning. I want to see her face and hear her voice again. I would do anything to have her back. I miss her so much and I love her more than anything in the world. I just wish I had said something different to her.

  • Jacqueline says:

    My mum passed 3 weeks ago. She was my best friend, I am lost without her. Chantal I also wonder if I did all that I could. I slept by her bed in the hospital and pushed the doctors for answers. they were so confident that the operation would be a success. I was not prepared for what was to happen (who is). Even after they said mum was gone I sat at her bed till the last second. so many thoughts go through my mind, looking for answers. People keep saying “it gets better” and “time heals” so not what I need to hear right now. I cannot describe the hurt I feel. I feel like i’m just going through the motions of daily things. Everything I do reminds me of my mum, to top it off my dad says that I’m a younger version of my mum. I just cant believe she is gone, I keep waiting for the phone to ring im a mess and I wish I could just crawl in to ball.

  • Alice says:

    Jacqueline, So sorry to hear of your Mum’s passing–so recently. It is one of the most difficult things life gives us. Especially, as Daughters. My Mom went HOME to JESUS August 20, 2013…still hurts me deeply that she’s not here with me. In my home, or able to be in her home–where my three Brothers & I grew up together. She is/was the ABSOLUTE BEST MOM we could’ve possible asked for!! As I’m sure your Mum is as well. It is a compliment that your Dad says you’re a younger version of her! Indeed! She’s ALWAYS in your heart & mind; focus on the good times & memories.
    Not today. Prob’ly not tomorrow. It’ll be alright–someday. Cry when you must, want. Remember that your Mum wants nothing more than for you to be happy–as best you can for now. Make new memories with your Dad; keep & maintain some of your Family Traditions, but also, start some new Traditions…Honoring Her Memory.
    I was not ready for my Mom to leave either–even though she’d been ill for several years…took chemo for years (sometimes as often as every 2 weeks). She was a FIGHTER! ‘Cause she loved LIFE!
    Take everything One day at a time…even sometimes, one moment at a time. GIVE yourself the space that you feel you need. Do what’s best for you; you can’t always go by how someone else may have handled a similar situation. “Cause, we’re ALL VERY DIFFERENT.
    Don’t know if you are a praying person–One of Faith. It helps MORE than many people realize, acknowledge. Don’t know where I would be, if it were not for the LORD GOD ALMIGHTY! I’ve had to accept several of my own personal Family losses…
    Learn what you may from your experience. Generally, there may come a time (most likely) when WE can Comfort One in a similar life circumstance, because WE have been through it–and learned what we could.
    Prayerful Hugs for you & your Dad Jacqueline.

  • Lila C. says:

    My mother passed away five years ago from a sudden illness. She lived in another state and I wasn’t there. I had just lost my husband to cancer, four months earlier. While I went through all the stages of grief over losing him, I now realize that I never allowed myself to fully grieve over her. I was so wrapped up in sadness over losing this man I loved so much that my siblings who lived close to Mom never even told me she was ill until it was too late to visit her and say goodbye. I wish they had given me the choice to do that. Her death seems unreal to me. Her house just sold this year (her husband had inherited it, but now he has passed away) and I’ve been trying to use some of the small inheritance to create memorials for her. I preserved her singing voice on a video, and I am painting a bench to donate to a local humane society. While I thought these things would make me feel better, in fact, they are making me feel much worse. It’s almost as if I just lost her. I can’t bear to listen to her voice on the tape, or look at her likeness on the bench. I am so acutely aware of her absence now, and she’s been gone five years! Missing her has also made me miss my late husband more. I’ve been searching for ways to process this. People tell me to “let myself grieve,” but I can’t take weeks out of my life to just cry. I feel like I had recovered from being a widow, but now I can’t seem to recover from being an orphan, and it’s ruining my life.

    • Sindhu says:

      Dear Lila,

      I am really sorry for your loss. it is very tragic that you have had to live with two such instances of grief. My own mother passed away one year and seven months ago, and I have almost become numb to my loneliness. Her absence is now a new condition of my existence. I hope you find some new hope and new lease of life, to help you accept the loss of your dear ones and maybe help you heal inside. They probably are in a better place. I hope you find solace in the life you have at hand and make fresh memories with new experiences. At the end of the day, all our days are numbered and we are all alone in our own way. but know that those that are with you here and now also matter as much and find a way to let them in and help you regain control over your life and self.
      All the best. I wish you find a way to lessen your pain.

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