A few months ago I asked my mother to share some thoughts on the difference between guilt and regret (A Psychologist’s Perspective on Guilt vs Regret, February 7, 2011). That post quickly became one of my most-read pieces. When I knew my mom was coming to visit this past weekend I asked, via Twitter, if anyone had any questions they wanted me to ask her.
One reader wrote:
My mom passed away six years ago, when I was 24, after a five-year battle with cancer. I’m getting married in a few months and I’m finding two things difficult: 1) going through a big life change, and the actual planning of the event, is making her loss feel much more at the forefront than I expected; 2) I’m struggling with marrying someone who didn’t know my mother and doesn’t understand (and honestly, not sure how he can, not being there) my grief.
My questions are: how do you help the new people in your life know the person you lost and understand the depth of your grief? And how do you deal with the new kind of grief that comes with entering a new phase of life?
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My mother, Dr. Rita Bonchek, spent her career as a psychologist specializing in grief, loss, death, and dying. She had some thoughts on the subject. I decided to add my own take on it; that perspective appears after hers.
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Dr. Rita Bonchek writes:
In American society, the topic of death causes great discomfort so people do not think about or discuss the subject. When the death of a loved one occurs, the bereaved are often encouraged to put the occurrence in the past. Freud felt that the mourner needed to ” let go” in order to move on. However, when Freud experienced the death of his favorite grand-child, he often expressed with great sadness that he would never get over the loss.
What is not appreciated about the death of a loved one is that “Death ends a life but it doesn’t end a relationship that lives on in the mind of the survivor.” Some studies have shown that mourners hold onto the relationship with the deceased with no notable ill effects.
A childhood death of a parent can be a devastating event. How the child grieves is extremely individual and based on the child’s age when the parent died, the cause of the loss, the quality of the parent-child relationship prior to the death, and the support system available both at the time of the loss and afterwards. If a surviving parent removes all items and pictures of the deceased and does not talk about him or her, the child is denied the grieving process. The secrecy and the inability to have a shared grieving between the child and family that shares the loss is a travesty.
The mourning for a mother never really ends. Even after many years while there may not be active grieving, there are what one child called “mommy-missing feelings.” And what does a mother provide for a daughter: support, advice, a significant person who can help and validate the child during development. No one else is so uniquely important to the child as a mother who helps her to form an image of herself. With this self-image, a daughter is helped to determine how to interact with the world and the people in this world. A daughter’s feelings, thoughts, hopes, desires and attitudes are influenced by a mother. But this mother does not have to be the mother who existed in real life but who is a mother who exists in the daughter’s heart and mind. This is a mother who is carried within a daughter forever.
When a mother-daughter relationship has been strong and positive, a mother loves a child in a very intense and special way. A daughter will miss a mother’s protectiveness, loyalty, encouragement, praise, warmth, and, as the daughter becomes a woman, an adult-to-adult friendship. There are special times in the developing daughter’s life in which the absence of a loving person is painful: graduation, confirmation, Bar/Bas Mitzvah, a wedding celebration, the birth of a child, etc. This is when the wound is re-opened.
Who the daughter was when her mother died is not who she was after the painful event. Every death of a loved one changes us and causes us to re-grieve the loss of other loved ones. Hope Edelman, in her book Motherless Daughters encourages women to acknowledge, understand and learn from the changes that occurred as a result of the early loss of a mother. It can take years. With reflection and understanding of what was lost when her mother died, a daughter can, with greater sensitivity, become her own role model as she creates a strong family and friend network of her own.
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I had the following thoughts:
Even though the death was six years ago, it happened to you at a time before marriage and/or motherhood. While not relevant to all women, these are often defining events in their lives. While you had your mother for your childhood, oftentimes daughters do not fully appreciate their mothers until they become wives and mothers themselves. When you no longer have a mother to admit “now I understand what you meant” or “I’m sorry for how I behaved as a child” it can feel that there is unresolved business at hand. Not being able to ask, “Is this how you felt on your wedding day?” or “What was your day like?” is difficult.
Of course, a wedding is one of these events that is tied to family. How can you possibly explain the ways in which these occasions make you miss your mother? As my mom said, it’s not just the relationship you had that you grieve, it’s the relationship you could be having now. There is no way to fill that void, no one can fill that space. I think that incorporating your mother and her memory into your ceremony may provide a way for her to be remembered and present during your wedding. Because your fiance did not know her, he will not miss her in this event. You will, however, as some of the guests at your wedding will too.
It’s a common misconception that talking about your mother or acknowledging her absence will “make people sad.” On the contrary, I believe that talking about her and her absence is appropriate. One way I think this is appropriate is to mention her in the wedding program and/or light a candle during a portion of the ceremony that names those who are “special to us but not here to share this day.” I have seen an acknowledgement of special friends and family who are deceased but remembered on this special day. A paragraph, properly worded, could mention your mother’s role in raising you, making you who you are today, and how you wish she were here to share this occasion. Similarly, wearing a piece of her jewelry or clothing (like a veil) or carrying her favorite flower in your bouquet might help you feel closer to her on the actual day.
Grief sneaks up on you when you least expect it; the reflexive reach for the phone is a hard habit to break. Both happy and sad events can make you miss loved ones. Every little thing reminds you of your loved one, the things you did and the things you had yet to do. You grieve the relationship you lost and the one you had yet to build. The relationship was truncated, and that cannot be fully appreciated by someone who has not experienced it.
I don’t know if you have shared a lot about your mother with your fiance, but I think it’s important to do so before you get married. I think it’s important to write about her and talk about her with him. He’ll never be able to understand fully, and he’ll never miss her since he didn’t know her as you did. But he does need to understand how important she is to you now even though she’s no longer alive. That may not be intuitive– although your mother died six years ago she is still a very important part of your life.
It’s important to say that not all of the memories surrounding your wedding would necessarily be happy; after all, weddings can be prime opportunities for mothers and daughters to clash. However, the pivotal moments of walking down the aisle, first dance, photographs, and so on can be especially difficult.
Sometimes when we grieve we don’t know exactly what we need, and in the end, no one can provide the “fix” for us — that could only happen if our loved one came back. Realizing that you don’t really know what you need all the time as you go through this is important, too. Something your fiance says might be incredibly aggravating one minute (a reminder that “he just doesn’t understand”) but other times the same thing may strike you as supportive. He’s in a tough situation because he’s trying to support the woman he loves on a day that is supposed to be one of the happiest days of your lives together. However, it has a component of pain involved for you. He needs to accept that dialectic and not try to gloss over or erase the pain that will accompany all of the happy days you will have together. He needs to know that grief will be a part of every happy event you will have in the future because your mother is not there to share it. The sooner he can accept that truth, the better it will be for both of you, I think.
I hope that some of these thoughts will help you in the months leading up to your wedding and that you can find a way to incorporate your mother’s memory into your ceremony. I know she will be in your heart and on your mind.
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Nice post.
My mom is still alive, so I did not have this experience. I have a close friend whose mom died when she was in her early twenties, and I have seen how it has affected her. She is happily married, with two kids, friends, work she loves, but she misses her mom.
I particularly like your reminder not to idealize the relationship, and your suggestions for ways a daughter can be close to, and acknowledge, her mom during her wedding ceremony. I also agree how important it is to honor the ongoing nature of loss. I think we are too preoccupied with “getting over it,” and “moving on.” We carry those we love forever.
Excuse any typos. I’m on my iPhone.
You and Rita are a formidable team. This is an incredibly powerful piece that I will pass onto my friends who have buried their mothers.
xo
Oh my God. I’m not even sure what to say. I started to read this and now I’ll have to come back, because as I did could feel myself separating from myself. If that makes any sense. I think I told you that I lost my mother when I was 4, and I’m only just starting to work through the magnitude of that loss. It’s one big complicated mess. I almost can’t stand to read this, but I will come back again later and try again.
Christine My name is Melissa and I too lost my mother at 4, I am now 33 and I still have issues with her death and I miss her so much, I feel I miss what I think she would have been or could have been I have 3 sons and a daughter I was a only child and I love my children so much. I am so sorry for you lose if you ever need a friend I understand
I also lost my mother when I was 4. I am now 70 and realizing that I am still broken by the loss of my mother. Yesterday I watched the documentary film Raw Faith and was again reminded of my brokeness!
My mother passed away 9 years ago this June. With every wedding of one of her grandchildren and every birth of a new great grandchild, I tear up knowing how happy she would have been. She made our lives rich and magical. I want to pick up the phone every day to call her and share news, gripe about something or just to hear her voice. I try to honor her memory by being a wonderful Grammy to my beautiful grandson.
This is often a topic on my mind as my mom battles a terminal illness. Sometimes I’m filled with dread and anxiety, other times extreme sadness, and sometimes peace. When a mother-daughter relationship is positive and healthy it’s a great blessing in life and in death, because as you said, the emotional relationship can continue in some form.
I recently read an article (I believe from hospice) that I told my mom about when she expressed some anxiety over death. It cited a very large number of people who started speaking to their dead mothers in the hours preceding death. It is believed by some that as your mother brought you into the world as an infant, she will bring you into the next life. We both took great comfort in that.
Thank you for this post. As always it too is a great comfort.
I have starred this. It’s midmorning, hot, and memories of my mother’s last few days surround me this week – even 22 years later. I remember our conversations, sweet moments, and finally, how gently she died. For that I am always grateful.
Affirmation of what I’ve always believed — “the mourning for a mother never really ends” and so many others is a gift. The loss of a mother, at 23, 34, 44, 54 – will always leave a woman vulnerable in a way she wasn’t before.
Thanks to both of you for your support and wisdom.
Love,
jody
Your story struck me, I just lost my Mom in October. She was diagnosed with stage 4 Renal Cancer at age 72 and died within 10 months- Oct 12, 2012. To many that sounds old, but my Mom looked and acted 52. She already lost 2 children, one at 18 and one a 35 (my brothers ages). She was my best friend, my strongest supporter, my everything. She was the healthiest person I knew, but whatever, I definitely have no regrets, took her to every appointment, was there every day when she was home on hospice, and watched her die. I am 40, no young person, but it was the hardest thing was to watch and Now deal with. I am not dealing well now-4 months later
Hi Barbara , I loved your post. It being so recent and is some what comparison to time and ages of my loss. I lost my mom January 7, 2013 due to long time illness from heart defect and then congestive heart failure. I am 43 and she was a young 67. It was hard seeing her deteriorate within a 6 month time span . So true what people say that your never prepared for thier death when it happens. Today was a hard day for me. I miss her so much , just her physical presence. Sometimes I feel just because I’m older or she was older I’m expected not yo grieve more than 2 weeks. I’ve had close aunts , uncles and grandparents last but my moms death has been a pure tragedy to me. I confided in a close relative today about me driving and she simply told me not to dwell on my mom’s death. I’m still stumped on that. I’m married with older children and I feel vulnerable like a child again. I’m okay and back to work but outa nowhere it hits me, she’s gone. She can’t talk to me, hold my hand, hug me, or smile and laugh with me. I suck at this grieving thing. Thank you for sharing your story and I hope you are doing well and I’m so sorry for your loss! – Maria O. Garz
Maria, I understand how you feel. I lost my mom on January 6th 2013. My father came home from work and found her dead at the foot of their bed. We are not sure if it was a massive heart attack or a blood clot and an autopsy was not preformed. I am 30 and my mom was 65 and she had just retired six months earlier. The unexpected nature of her death has really messed me up and I am filled with guilt because as a nurse I am supposed to save people and I keep thinking perhaps if I would have called or stopped by maybe she would still be here today. I am also troubled by the fact that she was alone, and the way my father found her. Its kinda funny that the first month or so went by in a blur and there was so much going on that I was able to put my feelings on the back burner and focus on just getting things done; however its only been in the last few weeks that the magnitude of my loss has really hit me. I miss everything about my mother and my world just dosent seem right without her. Some of my family are stumped about how I was able to keep myself together in the begining and get things done but now wonder why I have some days where I dont want to do a thing but cry. I understand what you mean by feeling vulnerable because in my mind I find myself yearning for the one thing I can never have again in this lifetime ” I want my mommy”. She left me too soon and I am unsure how to navagate through life without her, she truly was and still is my best friend. I am sorry for your loss, no one can understand how hard it is to loose their mom until it happens to them, may you and I both find peace as we navagate through the grieving process.
Mischante Velasquez
Hi Mishante
The feelings of grief you are have are very fresh. Your emotions are going to roller coaster over the next few months.
I lost my mum 18 months ago also very unexpectadly. My mum came from South Africa to help me following the birth of my 3rd baby and she died. We had an incredibly close relationship and I couldn’t imagine my life without her. My baby was 4 weeks old and I had to have mum cremated and carry her ashes home to my dad. Sadly my dad died in his sleep 2 weeks later.
The loss of both my parents in 2 weeks was to huge to bare. I look back and it was all a blur. I was in shock, I remember telling my mum that if she died, I would to.
It now 18 months and I can reassure you that time does make it better. But there are times that I find myself crying uncontrollably for no reason but simply missing my parents ESP my mum. These moments of crying have become fewer but still intense. There is nothing the feelings of intense grief.
I was prescribed antidepressants for a period but I fet like it numbed me. I also felt that I wanted to tell everyone about my loss. Unfortunately not many people can understand ESP if they haven’t experienced it.
I found a diary helped me and writing about my grief even on websites was healing.
Antoinette
Hi
It is really hard for me.
My mom passed January 24,2013.
She went into the hospital on December 17′ 2012 and never came home again.
I miss her, and I cry many times during the day.
We lived together for 60 years. She was my best friend and I will forever miss her.
Hugs,
Margie
Margie,
My mother also died on 24 January 2013, I lived with her for 8 years and cared for her after being diagnosed with cancer in 2012, after surgery she improved out of sight and noone could believe how well she looked, she was 89. She died suddenly of other causes almost a year later a few months short of her 90th birthday. It was hard seeing her healthy one day and lying dead in a hospital bed the next but I am very proud of the fact that she died peacefully and lived in her own home, I never wanted to see her in a nursing home. She was my only parent as my Dad died when I was 4. I am recoving from a recent operation and everything has just hit me all of a sudden and I am not coping well, a have many friends and support but it just does not seem enough as the grief some days is overwhelming. I know in time I will feel better and get on with my life but seem uncapable of making any decisions at this stage…
I just lost my mom last week. Don’t know where to go with the pain. I took her to every appointment and visited her everyday in hospice. I called her eveyday for th last 20 years but I still feel guilty that I did not do enough. within the last year, she got pulmonary fibrosis with many hosptial visits. I would get crabby and tired and then worried. If I could just sit with her one more time to tell her how much she meant to me- in words and not just acitons
Jill, you and I are in the same situation. I lost my mom, my best friend in the whole world, on March 10, 2013. One thing that I want to tell you is that your mom knows your love. She could feel your love in your actions. She didn’t need to hear the words that you think you did not say. And, if you want to say the words now, you should. I talk to my mom every single day. This may sound really crazy — but her birthday is next week and I bought her a present. Nothing huge. Just a lip gloss that I know she would love. I am going to wrap it, open it, and tell her how grateful I am that she was born. That she is my mom. Your mom will always be your mom. Not even death can take that away from you.
Dear Jill
I too lost my darling Mum to pulmonary fibrosis in June 2012. Although we knew it was inevitable, it still shocked us when it happened. Her courage and lack of complaining had falsely led us to believe that she was better than she was and we had longer with her than we had. I am really struggling with her loss. I miss her love the most. I feel like at ship at sea without an anchor. My grown-up children think I should be over it and are not very sympathetic. I find myself suppressing my grief which I know is unhealthy. The reality of the finality is brutal. My Mum still shed tears when she spoke of her own Mum who died 45 years ago, so I don’t hold out much hope for myself! It is conforting to know that there are others out there who are experiencing my feelings of loss and desolation.
My mom died at 75. She lived with ovarian cancer just over three years. I also watched my mom take her last breath. I can’t get it out of my head, although at the time I was so glad she was finally free. I’m not sure how to get over this. My mom was also my best friend.
What a wonderful gift you shared with your mom…My mom and I shared a similar relationship and journey. Your mom welcomed you into this life and you were the one who so graciously assisted her to finish her journey in this life and begin anew. Without life there would be no death and without death there would be no life…Your mother will live on in your heart and thoughts…she is the gentle breeze, the warm summer sun…she will be with you always…
I lost my mom on October 13, 2013. And I cry every day.
My my was 86 when she passedd away. 86 but she was so cool.
She did not have dementia and just loved to talk. ThIs past year she was starting to show signs of her illness. She had heart disease. But I wouldn’t or couldn’t believe that she was “that” sick. She never complained. Whenever I asked her, “how are you doing today, Mom” she would say, “I’m GOOD! I’m GOOD”.
I took care of her. Brought her to her doctors’ appointments, gave her medications, cooked for her, shopped for her, I would bath her, I would do her hair; anything she needed to feel good! I just loved talking to her. We had our own little secrets. She was my FRIEND. I miss my FRIEND.
I am not young, I am 63 years old. But, I feel like a little girl who lost her mommy.
I don’t know what else to say. It does hurt so bad. And I still find myself crying many times througout the day and night! Maybe because Sunday is Mother’s Day and everything on TV is geared toward honoring MOMS. Maybe..
I find myself talking to her hoping she could hear me! I know that sounds nutty but I don’t care…
Well what more can I say? I love you, Ma!
I lost my father when I was 19 in 2000. Although I grieved his loss and was sad, I was able to overcome his passing mostly in part due to my mom’s faith, strength and courage. However, when I lost my mom 5 1/2 years ago after her battle with cancer, it devastated me and a part of me died with her. I’m now 31 years old and still can’t get over her death. I miss her so much. I was 26 years old when she died and just started my real adult life. I got married shortly after her passing and had my first baby last summer and although these occasions were/are the greatest moments of my life, I can’t help feeling unbelievable sadness knowing my mom isn’t here to see her grandson, meet her son-in-law, give me advise and have our relationship grow deeper. I am grateful that we had a very close relationship when she was alive, but I can’t help wondering how wonderful it would have been now that I too am a wife and mother to have her by my side and share our experiences. She was my rock, my confidant, my best friend.
dear barbara, my mom passed away a year and half ago im still not doing great. sitting here crying and missing her so bad it pyhsicaly hurts. have to stop crying now though, as my beautiful 3 yr. old wants mommy to color now, thank goodness.
I tend to relate with your post. I just lost my mother less than five months ago suddenly and unexpectedly. She was only 67 and with my father for fifty years. My mother and I had a beautiful, close relationship. I’ve been going through the motions of everyday life but I recently have become overwhelmed with grief and feel actual “heartbreak” when I think of my mother. I miss her terribly. I feel I’ll never get over her passing. I want to take comfort in my belief that she wants me to live a fruitful life and that we will be together again. Thank you all for sharing. I don’t feel as alone.
My mother passed away 2 years ago. It’s been difficult — she moved in with me when she was diagnosed with cancer so I could care for her. It strained a relationship that wasn’t quite ideal. I felt (and still do), as though I failed the task of taking care of her because she died, I felt (and still do), that we never quite got our relationship worked out as adults. My strange relationship with my mother has affected my relationship with other women. So many things to ponder and try not to take the blame on.
Thank you, as always, for your words and your friendship.
What a wondrful post! I appreciate the time and thought that both of you give to sharing such meaningful insights.
Just another excellent article you have written here! I lost my mom to pancreatic cancer a few years ago. I will always miss her. Sometimes we fail to realize how important mothers are until they are gone. Mine was superb!
Today is five months since my husband, James, died and I’m finding the grieving process to be difficult and fraught with mixed emotions on any given day. Other than the overwhelming absence of James, I grieve most for the life we had built and the future together for which we planned.
My mother has battled depression her entire life, and we role reversed when I was 12, and my father died. I became the mother, and she became the daughter, roles we still play to this day. While she has always been incredibly difficult and distant, and her dementia only serves to underscore this, I know I will miss her when she dies. While we’ve never had a good mother/daughter relationship, I know I will miss her when she dies. She is the only family I have.
XOXOXO,
Brenda
I lost my Mother over a year ago to brain cancer. She had been sick for about 13 months before that with a varity of illnesses. When I was told she had a few weeks to a few months to live, I took a leave of absence from my career to care and be with her. Now over a year later I am still feeling the pain of her passing.
Your blog is very helpful to know that I am not alone and that my feelings are “ok”. She was not only my Mom but my best friend and since her passing I have dealt with severe depression and anxiety. I write to her almost daily and carry her heart in my heart. There is a quote by Whoopie Goldberg who said “no one is ever going to love me like she did” and I find that to be so true.
Thank you for your thoughtful insights into grief.
This is such a wonderful post. I agree whole heartedly, the grieving never ends. I also agree that the relationship does not end with death either. I lost my mom to breast cancer three years ago and the grieving evolves and changes, but doesn’t just stop. And I still have a connection to her, it’s just not a physical one any more. Society often expects us to put it all behind us, not talk about death and to just move on. This is part of the reason I decided to include grief and loss as part of my breast cancer blog. It’s such an under acknowledged topic. Thanks for this great post.
hello… and I need some help please; we lost my beloved daughter in a tragic accident 5 yrs ago..; she left behind an estranged husband but more importantly 2 beautiful little girls, aged 3 & 5; we had lived together since the birth of the little one, and were very, very close. But after the loss, my son-in-law moved out w/ the girls; I see them weekly and at every opportunity I can at school. The older girl, now 10, has separation anxiety, & has internalized the loss, and has isolated her feelings: and the little one, now 8, has deep feelings of loss of mommy, and will have nightime crying episodes, so deep that her entire body trembles; I have a ‘mommy’ room, and we have Mommy’s pictures w/ the girls around; I tell them stories of how Mommy loved them & about her new life up in Heaven..; but I can’t find the words to comfort them, I don’t know what to say..:(:(:(; my former SIL would not let me take them to counseling & the school offers only ‘occasional’ classroom counselors; My SIL does not let me take them to church, & pretty much ‘controls’ their lives. Can you offer me some words of wisdom on how I can help them in their pain?? I am deeply grateful for your suggestions and prayers.. GiGi
Hello..it’s been 27 days since the loss of my beautiful mother. I’m lost…I’m hurt..I’m so sad..Being 35 yrs old women and a mother, I thought i would be able to “maintain”..I can’t. I am…but i have no idea how. My mothers death was sudden. she wasn’t ill or anything. We had the Sophia-Dorathy (golden girls) relationship. i miss her..my son has lost his “nana” that he saw every morning. And now all he has is me. Weak motherless me. Pray for us.
Hi Tamisha… I know exactly how you feel. I lost my mom….. my best friend, my companion, my teacher, my guide, my strong tower, on the 2nd of July this year. I myself am a mother of 5…it was totally unexpected and my world fell apart when my sister phoned me with the news. Everyday is a struggle for me..through the entire grieving process..I find myself in tiems of absolute anger…and days where I just cry…I have never felt so lonely… I am engaged to the most wonderful man on this planet…we are getting married on 22 Decemeber this year..and even though it is going to be the happiest day in my life, there is such a sadness in my heart… the picking up the phone to tell her about the arangements, the colours..or my dress…and then remembering again that she is no longer there. I have kept her ashes..they have a special place in our room…until I am ready to let them go… A week after my mom passed away, we were told that my hubby-to-be has severe heart failure. Even though they can’t give an absolute time period, the doctor’s words were “get into torder what needs to be in order. If you’re one of the lucky one, you will see it through the next year”… I so much needed her at that moment..to tell me what to say, what to think, how to deal with this coz she had been there before. The last 8 weeks have been the most challenging time I have ever experienced.. the last few days I battle with anger..only realised last night that it probably is part and parcel of the grieving process. My man is amazing..he tries so hard to support me, even though he himself has to deal with such a difficult issue… I have no idea how to deal with myself right now.. I feel like I’m losing the plot most of the time..but I try keep as strong as I possibly can for my kids’ sake.. and for my man.. he needs me so much now and yet I feel from time to time as if I am failing him now…
I dunno if it is ever going to get better..they say time heals all things, but I am not convinced of that…
After having read this article, I realised that it is o.k to feel angry, even though you have no idea why yuo are angry or what you need or want.. It’s o.k to cry… I talk to her so much… I stand before her ashes and ask her questions about life.. I wear her bangle day and night… I am also going to make her a part of my wedding ceremony.. I will light a candle for her..
I really miss her… I really need her…
In a sad way, I am so glad there is someone else who is close to the same age and feels the same way; I lost my mother 15 days ago and cannot get over needing her to be here in this mortal life even though I am 36 years old today. I am sad for my dad, they were the best of friends, married 42 years.
I have a very similar situation. I am 34 & just lost my mother -kidney failure- ovarian cancer spread into kidney & also the treatments for ovarian cancer damaged the kidney. My mother & father were married 37 years. She told me to take care of my dad before she passed away. We were also best friends at this stage in our lives. I had a little boy almost 6 years ago. I am feeling lost without my mom. It has only been a few days since her death. I know this lonely feeling isn’t going anywhere anytime – ever. It is going to be a difficult journey. I wish all the people suffering comfort and peace.
I also have a very similar situation. My Momma passed away January 15th,2013 and i cant get over it. My Momma was my best friend and myparents were married for 41 yrs. Momma had a rare muscle disease and she suffered for 9 days and for those 9 days I never left her side and i was holding her hands when she took her last breath. I am so lost. My Miricle son that will be 6 in a few days misses his mawmaw so much. Please tell me why i have anger and my sister is the strong one and she tells me not to cry. Im so tender hearted that im confused. I have an amazing husband but he wants to hold me and tells me to cry. I just want peace. I knew she was dying but I never thought I would feel so LOST without her even though i know she is better off. I ask again, tell me a book or a Dr. Or what to do. I miss her so much.
I know exactly how you feel I lost my mother August 30th 2012 and it’s just something I can’t recover from I try to move on like people say I should I just don’t know how to do it this is the hardest thing I have ever been through I need help as well
Hi Tamisha,
I just read this blog for the 1st time today. I am also 35 and I lost my mom about 6 weeks ago, just this past Thanksgiving weekend. I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. My mother and I were so close, and although her death was slow (she was ill with an incurable cancer and the last month of her life was in the hospital, then hospice), it is still very hard. Moms are so precious, aren’t they? It is such a loss that I have never felt in my heart, and I cry when least expected. I am trying my best to move on, but it is so hard. My dad is so heartbroken, as well as my sister. I pray for you and everyone on this forum, that we find strength and peace during this very difficult time
I understand how you feel
My mom passed aweek ago
This post is very touching… I recently (2 days ago…) lost my mother to brain cancer. Although expected losing her was like getting stabbed in the chest. Since i live far away i thought that coming back to my home would make it easier to start my grieving process… It feels like the opposite, i feel lost. Also, i am engaged and getting married in less than 6 months. My man is wonderful and tried to cheer me up but has never experienced such loss… Many people have sent me their condoleances but still, i have never felt so alone.
Can’t sleep & found this post, thank you! It’s been 18 months since the loss of my mom & best friend. My only child is now 1y.o. & how I wish my mom could have witnessed this stage of my life. Although I enjoy being a wife & mom, I feel like a shadow of myself in so many ways. I miss my #1 fan, my mom. I felt that same way 11 yrs ago when my dad passed, but I feel unanchored in life now in a way I’ve never experienced. There are times still that my heart just aches. It’s comforting to know I’m not the only one that misses their mom greatly.
Reading these messages seem to touch me in all the ways I am feeling and have felt for almost the last 9 years. My mother was so many things to me best friend, someone that I respected, and found strength in. I can still see how brave and strong she was for me and my sister. My mothers death changed my life forever. I am very blessed because she brought me into this world and I was with her when she left this world. I know my mother will also be there to take me to meet my dear Lord when my time is done here. I also know that my daughter will have to travel the same path oneday. I must say it has all been worth every moment because I would rather known the love of my mother and had to physically lose her than to have never known her love at all. I feel the pain for anyone that loses that wonderful creature God gave us all…our Mothers.
I spent a week in March, April, and May with my mom as she took chemotherapy to try to stop her leukemia. I spent thw last 6 weeks of her life with her and held her hand as she drew her last breath. We gave her a memorial a few days ago. It was beautiful. She was selfless an a caregiver. Everybody there was very sorrowful. They were supportive, but for the first time ever, I felt all alone. I was the only girl, and the baby of the family. She and I were like best friends. Since she died, I feel distanced from my husband. He sees me cry, but doesnt offer emotional or physical support in the form of hugs. He ignores it. He and my parents didnt like eachother, and he was a little more supportive when my father died 3 years ago. I feel sad for my children who arent seeing or learning how to help someone who is grieving. I feel like I am lost. I feel like I have no anchor and nobody who loves me jyst because I am me…
Cheryl, my deepest condolences. I am sorry to hear that you do not have the support you need during your grieving process. Can you reach out to friends or a support group? Even online communities can help if you don’t want to go anywhere in person. A grief counselor would be a good place to start if you would rather talk one-on-one with someone. I urge you to find help and not become to isolated. Grief is something we do alone, I think, but we do need love and support from those around us. I hope you can find some.
Cheryl….I just lost my mom 9 days ago.I am 53 but feel like a ten year old. My mother was my life..I quit my job to care for her the last 4 years and she died very fast.I never saw it coming..She always got better but not this time. I have a sister who was not as close to our mom as I was and she just left me to grieve alone and is as happy as a dove already! I can not even stand to look at her. She does not get how empty I feel. I feel like I lost a organ. I pray this feeling can become not as painful. If I thought I had to feel like this the rest of my life I do not think I want the rest of my life. This is the most horrific thing to happen to me.I understand your loss and understand how horrible it is to have no support…Much love, Kimberlie
Kimberlie, Your post hit home with me. I am 53 and feel like a child too. I left my job and cared for my mother for the last 2 and a half years. She had times of hospital stays and also got better at times. My sister was not there for mom and I. We were there for her when she went through her cancer. I feel empty and can’t stand to look at my sister also. I am so lost without her. I can’t get the last minutes of her life out of my head. Mom and I became so close and she trusted me with her life. All I could do is give her liquid morphine at the end. Seven days without food or water, she never woke up after her birthday on 12-20. She died on the 27th of Dec. Mass is the 19th which is this Sat. She did not want a funeral as this family does not do well when we are all together. I am so sad and blue…very hard to go through her belongings. We had the strenghth to care for our mothers…..hope we have strenghth to go on without them, Peace and love to you.
My momma died jan.21, 2013 at 130 in the afternoon. I was not expecting it. The hospice nurse had just been and said it would probable be a few more days. I was giving mom reiki my eyes were closed. In my minds eye I saw angels. Even then I did not expect her to die right then I just observed the I saw my momma’s body laying before the angels. I just watched in great peace came over me. I watched as God lovingly drew her life out of her body. It was clay colored My eyes still closed the nurse came in and said your mom is gone. For days I felt like the pain was too great to bear. I felt like a murderer as I had to make choices that myomere wanted. No feeding tubes. I considered killing myself. I kept dreaming about het. i screamed for her, Momma. i was in agony. A month later the pain has lessened a bit. I can sleep sometimes. I went to grocery store. Nothing could have prepared me for this soul agony. I honor you my beautiful mother my friend you are one of gods treasures. A life well lived.
Get grief support. All hospices have services. May each day we live be an honor to our mothers. Loving. Tracy brown
Dearest Heidi,
I think one of the worst emotions you can have is regret. You know you did all in your power to make the final stages of your mum’s life comfortable. Like you I feel my family did not do enough and were not there as support for us. It is a very lonely road but you will be rewarded in some way when you least expect it. It takes a lot of strength to care for someone, and when they are gone you just feel all your strength is gone, it will slowly come back in time. ” You have done a good job”, a simple statement like that can make a lot of difference. It is a pity it does not come from family but many people think it of you and that is the main thing. Veronica
Kimberlie…
My mom past away suddenly on December 23, 2012. I am 52 and I also feel like a child again. My mom had two heart surgeries, the latest one on February 29, 2012. Luckily, the hospital was just 5 minutes away so I could go back and from from work easily. My mom and I were together every weekend and we talked atleast 6 times a day and sometimes even more. I would call her on my way to work and on my way home. I have three brothers and they do not live in the same town as my mom and I. I think they have gone on with their lives to and I am still grieving. I feel like a part of me is missing. My mom rented her home and I can’t bring myself to move anything out. I never understood how horrific loosing my mom could be. I have apologized to my friends for not understanding their loss until now.
Much love, Tammy
Hi Kimbelie, my heart goes out to you. My mom passed away 21 days ago. Like you, my mother was my life. I resigned from my job to care for her, she had vascular dementia. Like you mentioned about your mom, my mom always got better, each time… she was so strong and such a trooper – smiling her beautiful smile, always positive. …. but this time, the dementia… bit by bit.. shut down her internal organs .. and took its toll on her little fragile body. I feel so lost right now – with no husband, children or siblings. I do have a sister who, during my moms health decline – would send a check to help cover the expense of caregivers – but she was not at all involved with my mom or with me. She never responded when I contacted her so many times about crucial decisions that needed to be made regarding our mothers care. It was hurtful – and still is. My sister is happy and living life as she had been before. I do not want to have anything to do with her as she was not there to help – emotionally for me and for my mom when needed Also, now, she continues to choose to not communicate with me about anything, including the loss of our mom. Like you Kimberlie, if I thought I had to feel like this the rest of my life.. I do not think I would want to continue with the rest of my life. This truly is the greatest and most horrific pain to ever experience. I pray that peace will come upon us and that we will be able to come to know a new ‘purpose’ for our lives so that we can continue. Surely our mothers would want this for us. Though I am saddened that you too, have no support, it is comforting to know that we – along with others posting here – share that special bond of having been there for our mothers. Sending giant hugs,
Love,
Sally
I am sitting at my mother’s death bed as I write this. I was blessed to care for her in my home for the last 2 years. Now, I am giving her morphine to comfort her at the end of her life. Although my pain right now is unbearable as I am with such a heavy heart, I will yearn for this day in the future since I will not be able to look at her beautiful face any longer.
Taran, your words have moved me to tears this morning. Thank you for sharing your story and your mother’s. She is fortunate to have such a loving daughter who is able to have perspective during such a difficult process. My heart goes out to you and your family.
I have been so moved and touched, as well as encouraged in reading these posts. My mother passed away October 9 2011. She was ill, and continued to live life. She knew her time on earth was short. My mother was hard on me growing up. I made choices in life that caused us not to have that close MOTHER-DAUGHTER bond. I left home early. I always yearned for her to be in my life. I prayed for that all the time. God answered my prayers in 2007 and we became close. The relationship I always wanted was happening. I am sad that we did not have enough time together, and I miss her dearly. It is very hard to deal with. I still have my father, and know one day he to will go home. ( I don’t think about that). I have been on Auto-Pilot since she left me. I have feelings of being an ‘orphan child’ even at the age of 35…….My relationship with my husband has changed. My children have said I am different,and so has my husband. I know I have changed, but I am trying to come back to being the wife and mom she would want me to be…..
my mom passed away last year because of breast cancer.And i cant seem to find a way to overcome the pain i am experiencing since she left us she’s the best mom she’s my bestfriend she is the only person that completes my life she is the only person who understands me..now i feel hopeless how i wish i still have her…i miss those times that i spend with her i miss the times that when i come home from school she’s waiting for me and chat with her.I really miss her..I’m just 19 too young to lose my mother.
Jirah, I am still devastated over the loss of my mom two years ago and I am 52…my heart goes out to you because you are so young. My advice would be to lean on aunts or a godmother. If you don’t have a god mother is there someone who could fill the role? If so, ask them. They will be so touched! I also urge you to plant a tree for your mom to honor her or doing something else for the same reason. Bereavement groups or counselors are great too. Google some close to you. Good luck and G-d bless you.
I lost my wonderful mum just two weeks ago, so can relate to so many of the comments written here. I just couldn’t have imagined living a day without talking to her, or just sitting with her. I’m sad for everything that should have been. My mum was my best friend.
I too am a motherless daughter. My mom died of ovarian cancer almost 2 years ago. It is devastating. I was 39, too young to loss this special person who just started to become my best friend. I am going to have a hysterectomy next week and I can’t tell you how much I long for her prescence. I know she’s still “with” me but its not the same. I long to she her face to feel her hugs to hear her say I love you… And life goes on as my heart is broken. Sorry that I am not the only one!
Thank you for these beautiful words. I am 39 and I lost my mother at the end of August to ALS. We had a complicated relationship my whole life, but I was very close with her for a good part of it……..just the last few years were complex and tough. I’m struggling a lot with grief and trying to find ways to work through it in a healthy way, but it’s difficult when you have 2 children who also lost a treasured grandparent. There seems to be too much pain in my household sometimes and it’s easy to get overwhelmed. My friends mean well, but they don’t understand the depth of the grief I feel. I will never be the same woman I was 8 weeks ago. While I recognize that I can still be a wonderful woman, filled with purpose, love and passion…………I’m not her right now and won’t be fore awhile. It’s a process and I know that. I just want to encourage all of you who have lost someone. It’s ok to feel lost right now. Some people will not understand even though you explain how you’re feeling. A good friend said “it’s like being trapped inside a tiny box that has hundreds of layers of duct tape all around it. Everytime you peel away another layer of grief, there is another behind it”. She was right. It’s exactly like that. The good news is that there are holes poked into the box so we can breathe until we figure out a way to be ok again. Love and prayers to you all
I have found this blog and the comments on it to be so encouraging in the last five months since my Mother passed away. She died of COPD, a form of lung disease, as well as complications from a stroke she suffered when I was 12; I was 26 when she passed, on Mother’s Day this year.
Since she had a stroke 14 years ago, I had been aware of the fragility of life, and especially my Mom’s life. She has been in and out of the hospital for the last six years, suffering heart attacks, seizures and COPD attacks. Each time I was afraid she would pass, and was relieved and grateful when she didn’t. Because of this, I treasured my time with her, and had the opportunity to have the “important” conversations with her that I wanted, and needed. In a way, my prayers were answered when she did pass, as she had spent Mother’s Day weekend with my sisters, my nieces and I, full of joy and laughter, and passed painlessly, with dignity, after the weekend ended. I flew across the country on a whim, thinking that it might be one of my last Mother’s Days with her. I’m so glad I did, and I thank and praise God for blessing me with this gift.
I miss her in waves, now that more time has passed. I long for her to hold me, like when I was a little girl. I miss hearing her voice. I am sad at work, and don’t know why. I am fuzzy-headed at times, and irritable with my loved ones, mad at myself for not being kinder. And then I remember why; that this isn’t how I usually am, this isn’t the normal “me”. This is me grieving the loss of the person who most shaped my development, my spirituality, my understanding of self. And when I remember that, I am easier on myself, I breathe in, I say a little prayer, and sometimes, I swear I can feel her grace, her blessing, beside me.
I lost my mother two years ago to liver cancer I was only twenty now twenty three. I miss her so much. I feel really sad a lot thinking about how she isn’t here to see me really grow up into the woman she raised me to be. I know shed be so proud it kills me inside knowing that I will feel this pain forever. The one thing I am grateful for though is that I got to be with her holding her hand while she took her last breath. She was so kind and thoughtful always wanted to make sure everyone was happy . She truly was and will.be forever the most amazing person I ever knew. I miss her voice I miss her sarcastic jokes that only she would come up with. I miss the way she smelled. I miss everything and I wish more than ever that she was here with me. She will always be in my heart. Sometimes I talk out loud when I’m alone ans pretend that she hears me. Sometimes I dream about her ans those dreams are so nice
I just lost my wonderful loving best friend in the world – my mom. She was 89 years old and up until 88 she was independent and lived on her own. I would go to her home on weekends and we would get our nails done, go thru catalogs, read trash magazines, watch movies and have dinner together. I loved her so and she loved me. This past year and a half was very hard on her – giving up her independence and in and out of hospitals. She always told me to “pull myself together” as I am a very emotional person and she always worried about me if anything happened to her. I am heartbroken but I do what I believe she would want and go on – go to work, try and find the fun of life and laugh because she loved to laugh and I loved to make her laugh. I will miss her warm hands of comfort and her consoling pats on my back and her wonderful advice – but mostly I will miss her being in my life everyday close by. She is with me in my heart always and I will have to accept that at least i have that. I love you mom more than words can ever say.
So very sorry…your Mom passed the day we had my Mom’s Memorial Service. My Mom passed December 14th on her 85th Birthday..I too took care of her..and was there the night she went to Heaven…My Dad is very lost..I guess I keep it together for him..64 years of a wonderful, love filled marriage..I miss her so much…it does not seem real..she faded really fast after 6 hospital visits..that was hard to take…Yes, forever in our hearts…….Angles on your Pillow Mommy…
I lost my mother 2 years ago, very suddenly and unexpectedly as well. I too have only 1 sister who lives interstate and life for her has just moved on. she said to me “we all die one day youknow” hardly comforting. I care full time for my father now as well as my young family 7,10,and 13 yrs. I too feel empty and very alone even though I recognise my family love and care for me very much. My mother understood me. There will never be another like her and I still wake up each day and feel I am in a nightmare. Time I fear will not heal me, just somehow I will learn to love with this emptiness. I am gratful that I spent alot of time with my mother and despite our arguments we always told each other how much we loved and cared for eachother. I am happy to read my feelings are similiar to others.
My mother passed in August 2012. The fog is starting to lift but it is still a raw wound. I know what it is like to have siblings return to normal so quickly. Grief is so individual and difficult to understand when others grief so differently than you . I pray that we all find a glimmer of peace this holiday season and find comfort in our beautiful memories.
I lost my mum when I was 13 after a 3-year battle with cancer.The word Cancer was never spoken in my house because my relatives thought it would have been easier on her. One day, I found my mum,s blood test, and as I couldn’t understand the meaning of them, I found out she had a malignant cancer. I started to cry and she hugged me saying everything would had been fine. Losing a mum at the difficult age has been a huge tragedy. My dad raised 4 children doing a great job.I am 35 and a few weeks ago I went to see a psychologist as I realised I never been attached to anybody. I ended up a relationship with a guy I was deeply in love, but with a bossy mum. A proper bored Italian mum. I tried to be myself, but she and him put me down.
I needed to see a physologist, and I am glad I did. Talking about that awful pain made me feel lighter and full of love for myself. I felt love for myself.
Mum are the oaks of the families, and the lights of our hearts. Thank you all. Elisabetta
Ive just lost my mum on the 21st december, i am beyond devestated. She had copd but never told us how bad it was, she didnt want to worry us she was a very proud woman. She passed away in her sleep next to dad and so i never got to say goodbye, im devestated. I feel totally lost she was my best friend, no 1 supporter, my mum and who was my no1 person in my world. I am lost and destroyed, i dont think i can carry on without her, my 2yr old son is my ray of light to us all especially to dad. my son keeps laughing on his own and i know if she could that would be mum making him laugh, today he was in the hall on his own and said “miss you nan” my heart broke, its only been 5 days…the pain is physical pain i am so lost without my mum. I would love to talk to someone who understands the pain.
I just lost my mom december first,after taking care of her for three yrs,im in a daze,im so glad to read the feelings of others,i already got a suck it up,i just need to hear real feelings from people who been thru it,so thank u for sharing.
I know exactly how you feel Olivia, I feel exactly the same, its all the little things im finding hard, like with my young son, if im not sure of something, it would be my mum who i would call for advice, or looking out to the garden and seeing mum there laughing in the summer at our bbqs etc….its hard.
I still want to pick up the phone to her and its been 7 days, its killing me. Christmas day was awful, opening up her presents she had left us all, we knew she would have wanted us to be happy as she made xmas amazing every year for us all. She had bought all these silly funny presents for the dinner table as she would do every year, we were all in tears opening them at dinner. My heart kept breaking and breaking while putting on a strong front for our dad. I took our xmas tree down today as couldnt face looking at it anymore, I found a card from mum last christmas in the tree box, saying how much she loved me, and a card to my son calling him”my little suger plum” mums nickname for me when I was a little and now it was her nickname for my son, i just broke down completly. Its hard to imagine ever enjoying another day, let alone another xmas.
I went to see mum yesterday, mums funeral isnt until the 9th Jan due to the holidays. I just sat with her and held her hand yesterday and stroked her hair and sobbed like i have never sobbed before, I feel comfort seeing and being with her but then I dont want to leave her there its heartbreaking. i saw and spoke to my mum every day I dont think i can do this without her, I need her more now that I have ever needed her I miss her so so much.
Im a mess, my partner is finding it hard as one minute i am holding it together and then next I am sobbing my heart out. I am so so lost without my best friend, Mum.
Cheryl and Olivia, I am so sorry for your loss. Being the caregiver for your mom complicates the loss. Other family members don’t always understand that. I lost my mom this past August after caring for her for over two years. I thought things were getting a little better until the holidays hit. The wound became raw again and the pain became unbearable. Most people don’t understand it.
I know that we all grieve differently, but many are very insensitive to the fact that others are barely functioning after their mom’s death. I am divorced with no kids so my house is empty now that my mom is gone. My siblings all have families so they were busy preparing for the holidays. I remain stoic around them because they don’t understand. I know it will get better with time but it dosn’t provide me solice since I am usually in tears by 10am every morning. I know that she would want me to live life to the fullist but it is hard.
hi, im so sorry for your loss. my mum died unexpectedly christmas day. i held her hand as she took her last breath in intensive care. im 20 years old and findin it so difficult to cope. i also had to open my mums presents when i returned home as well as my own knowing i could never thank her for them. im not sure how i can ever celebrate christmas again. i had to sort her draws and wardrobe out yesterday and now im a mess. would be nice to talk sometime.
Hi all i joined motherless daughters on facebook, about 3000 members, im cheryl rose on there for the girl who lost her mum also at xmas would love to chat x x
I joined motherless daughter anout 3000 members. Im cheryl rose x would love to chat to the lady who lost her mum at xmas too x x
I lost my mom early Christmas morning this year after her year-long battle with lung cancer. We knew she was terminal and in many ways I’m grateful that we anticipated the end so she could help get her affairs in order and we could talk and reminisce. I’m an only child, at 35 and a mother to my young 4 year old daughter who treated my mom like her second mom. Watching her loss has been hard.
In the last month of moms life, as the cancer just destroyed so much of her body and energy, I took some solace in knowing she’d be at peace and knowing it was coming rather than a surprise. I thought I’d gotten a jump on some of the grieving (the terrible anger and sadness upon her diagnosis last year) … Nothing can prepare you for how lost and alone you will feel. I found a special box she’d left for my daughter filled with little trinkets they’d enjoyed together and handwritten notes of advice for her about love and life and joy and sorrow. It was the first time since she’d passed that I had the urge to talk to her and realized she wasn’t there.
Later I came across a photo of me as a baby tucked in her box of jewelry … No note just my name and Xmas 1977 written on the back. I realized there was no one left to remember me at that age, at all the ages my daughter will be. I feel like my personal historian is gone, that the only person on earth who loved me for me is gone.
I love my daughter deeply but it’s weird to only be on this side of the equation – loving her unconditionally and wanting to teach, guide and protect her, and not having my mom left to do that for me. She’s the only person who cheered my accomplishments large or small or had faith I could do what I set my mind to and the pride in me doing it.
I’m just lost without her. I promised her I’d still laugh and celebrate and not let my grief stand in my way of living my life but now I’m realizing that it will always be with me. I can’t imagine not feeling her loss deeply, as she has taken much of my sense of identity with her.
Hello Olivia, I am so sorry for what you’re going through. I’m absolutely in a daze of pain and loneliness right now, as I’m going through something very similar. My mom also passed from lung cancer, the morning after your mom did. It was just 55 minutes after Christmas. She’d been diagnosed last July, and I took care of her (and my sister helped toward the end as well.) I did receive the huge gift of being able to tell her to cross over to the light, and she did exactly what I asked…her last breath was the period at the end of my sentence. It was amazing. That said, I miss her even more than I thought I would. She was/is an amazing person who loved me so deeply. It just doesn’t seem real in a way. My twin daughters (almost 11) and husband are so supportive, but I can’t stop crying. My mom’s memorial service is day after tomorrow (Wed the 2nd) and I don’t know how I’m going to get through it. I think we just have to remember that we WILL be with our moms again, and I think the experience I had with my mom’s passing reinforces that. Are you going to see a grief counselor? I hope you are doing a tiny bit better. -Joan
I too lost my beautiful mom to lung cancer. She fought the demon for 2 years, 5 months and took her final breath on Nov. 13, 2012 at the young age of 60. I’ve never known pain like I do now. At the age of 37, I’ve lost my mom, best friend, kids’ favorite grandparent, my medical expert, my confidant, my link to my past, etc. She was so many facets in my life and in a blink of an eye — she’s gone. It’s been 10 weeks and I’m still in total disbelief…like maybe she’s just on vacation and will return soon.
Hello T,
I’m in a similar situation, having lost my mom the morning after Christmas (see above post). My mom lived a little longer than yours, to age 78 (I’m 48) but she passed way, way, way too soon. My daughters are 11. It seems like a bad dream…I would give a million dollars just to talk with her on the phone and it doesn’t seem possible that I can’t. I understand the vacation feeling! -Joan
My mom passed in nov of 2005 she was a drug counsoler an a patient murdered her i was 17 years old an i have two older sibilings. 3 months after my mother passed my sister an i both got pregnant an gave birth to 2 beautiful girls! Time does not heal an i miss her every day but her memory lives in our hearts every day! Stay strong ladies!
hi..my dearly loved mum died on the 10 th of november 2012..she was only 58.i cannot put into words how much i miss her..feel like nothing will ever be the same again..how can it be when you lose your mum..your best friend…i am finding it very difficult to be around people as i find them so irritating….and am ashamed to say wishing that they were feeling the pain i am..no one understands unless its happened to them and wish these people would stop trying to give me advice…i cannot see time changing anything..or ever wanting to feel like smiling ever again.just feel trapped under a very dark cloud.all i want to do is think about mum.xx
I would love to properly chat to people going through the same pain right now, cherylcampbell32@yahoo.co. Uk unless someone has gone through losing their mum no one really understands could anyone ever imagine this pain? X
I completely understand! My mom passed away Nov. 13, 2012 at the age of 60. I feel so lost in this new world. Not having a mom is unimaginable!
My mom passed away at the same age & on the same date as yours!! It is unimaginable! I still can’t believe I’m motherless at 37 years old with my two kids who now don’t have their favorite grandparent/cheerleader.
I lost my darling mum 22 years ago. i was 20 filled with high spirits and life. All changed. Lost my dad 3 years later. With no family, no siblings uncles or aunts I found life hard. Got married, 2 beautiful children, divorced. i was working for 18 years but was made redundant. Now all i have is time. Alone time. To go within and try to heal this big void in my aching heart. Very hard. Thank you all for your posts & rest in peace all you lovely mums. I always felt alone. My b/f doesn’t understand my pain. How could he, he’s not a daughter. Miss my mum, the sad thing is i’m forgetting her more than I’m remembering her.I don’t think one can ever get over losing their mums. In the society we live in we are only reminded of what we have lost. I’m 42 this year and it seems all these years i have been empty, angry, vulnerable & sad. But i look forward to being with her again one beautiful day.
“You grieve the relationship you lost and the one you had yet to build. The relationship was truncated, and that cannot be fully appreciated by someone who has not “experienced it.”" Goodness how is it that these words are what I feel today. I lost my mom almost 1 month ago…feels like it just happened today all over again…and not left alone to just grieve my way. I have and continue to be strong for everyone. Believe me no one can understand how I’m “holding up”. I say it’s my mother’s strenght. But I just want to be left alone to grieve my way. Even in this I am not free.
I empathize completely. My mom died Feb 19, and I feel like I’ve been going non-stop, and taking care of everyone and everything else while trying to stay on top of my studies….when do I get to grieve? They say it’s necessary, and I get the merits….but I just can’t find the time.
I lost my dearest mom ” mamma” four and half years ago …my daughter was only two months old then. It was as if destiny had either mom or my daughter in my life. Not both together. How I wish I had both of them with me today. I miss mom every day of my life…but somehow I feel her soul is there to comfort me and help me…I always feel she is around me telling me silently what I should do to be a good wife, mom, daughter, sister, employee, a good person above all.
I cry like a baby at times when I recall her words, even now I reach out to give her a call only to realise I do not have her phone number in heaven! My only prayer to god is that her soul rests in peace and I be united with her after death. I miss her so much….
Reading all your stories I realise how much my daughter will miss me if I go away from her….she sees me crying everyday and comes by to hug me knowing I am missing her granny.
it is important for all moms to take care of their health and see that they get to spend many many wonderful years with their daughters and grand-daughters.
Great insight into how daughters can relate to death of beloved mothers. My mom is still alive and though am married, at times I wonder what it could be without her. I only pray that she remains strong, healthier and leave longer. The truth is, no matter when death cones, it can be devastating. Only, the Grace of God and accepting Jesus Christ as our Lord and saviour can sustain us from heightened sorrow. I must say I have been enriched by this page. I just visited for the first time and am really blessed. I just shared it on our new Facebook page “Mother Delta Project”
I feel so empty inside. I don’t know how to cope with the loss of my precious mom. She was my best friend. I’m 37 yrs old and she had just turned 70. My two sons and I have always lived with her and its so hard to walk inside that door and she not be there waiting for us. She was in perfect health until end of September. She was so independent. She loved life, was full of energy and loved us so much. We did everything together. She was diagnosed with lung cancer early October and died December 20. It’s been three weeks today and I’m still in shock. I had just accepted a new job in July so I couldn’t take a leave of absence to be with her, although I missed as many days as possible to be with her from September thru December. The 3 days before her death I didn’t leave her side but momentarily. I feel so guilty for not quitting my job to be with her 24/7 for those three months, but I need my job. I can’t bear the pain and desire of just wanting to talk to her, hear her, enjoy her. I miss her so much.
I have not yet lost my mom, but will be soon and am looking for advice. I am a 31 year old mother of two. My mother is only 53, and has stage IV lung cancer with bone mets. We had some rough years in the teens and early twenties, but we have a close relationship. She has always talked to me and shared with me. I am the only one who knows all of her dark secrets. However, since her diagnosis last month, she doesn’t talk to me as much. I was there with her when she got her diagnosis and for the two weeks after. But the moment I left (two weeks ago), she deteriorated rapidly. She now can’t get out of bed and sleeps most of the day.
I want to be there to care for her, share with her and comfort her. She has a hard time with that, having been an oncology nurse for 30 years. She can’t allow herself to become the recipient (at least not from me). She insists the reason that she doesn’t want me there is because I’m 10.5 months away from finishing graduate school. She wants me to stay focused and graduate on time in case she lives long enough to make it. I try to explain to her that it doesn’t matter if I’m in NY at school or in Florida with her….focus is impossible.
This is all so sudden and I don’t know how to manage. I can’t afford to fly back and forth often…or really at all. I have a 12 year old and 3 year old to take care of too. I can’t take a lot of time off school, just long weekends….I want to be there, but she doesn’t want me there. I think it’s really because she doesn’t want me to see her like that. But I want to have every moment I can with her. How do I balance my needs with her wishes? Any advice from those who have gone through this loss is welcome, and feel free to email me and connect. Referrals to appropriate support networks are also welcome. Like I said, this is a pretty new diagnosis, and I’m still in shock. She’s so young, and I wasn’t ready for this yet. my email is jindaley@yahoo.com
Love and support to all of you. Thank you for sharing your stories. I fear my mother won’t survive to December, and my graduation is likely to be a very sad day despite the accomplishment.
Update: I no longer need answers to these questions, as my mom passed on Feb 19th, just two months after diagnosis. I thank those who emailed me directly, and I apologize for not returning your emails. It all happened so fast, and I found myself flying back and forth, trying to balance taking care of her and my kids in two locations.I’m thankful I got the time with her I did, but she plummeted so fast that there really were no good times. Her pain was out of control, and it was a blessing she went so fast. Love to all of you who have shared. We will all get through this
I lost my mum 3 & half yrs ago. I ended up looking on here tonight because I burst into tears tonight I miss her so much I’m 48 and and like others on here I just need my mum.
my mum struggled with mental health issues while growing up I would go in and out of childrens homes. we had good and bad times when I got married and had my children we got closer. then I moved to france with my husband & 2 children we visited her in the feb 2009 and she was planning to visit us in the august. but never made it she died on june 3rd 2009 it was such a sock and I feel so guilty for moving here.now my children have turned into teenagers and don’t understand me like I did’ent understand my mum all those yrs ago. what I would give to have her back and tell her she was a good mum she did her best and she did care miss you mum xx thankyou for this sight and my heart goes out to you all x
I lost my mom on April 7 2012. My mom ment the world to me . She was all my two brothers and I had our father past away in 1983. So she was all we had she past way of stomach cancer . It was very hard for us to find out that she only had two months to six months to live when I found out I took a leave from work to take care of her it was the best thing I ever did was taking care of her and I know I did the right thing because now my little boy tells me if I ever get sick like his grandma he will take care of me like I did my mom and he’s only eight. I’m happy I found this to talk to people that are going through the samething I am. Thank you very much
They say as time goes by it gets better. But how and when does it start. My mom was everything to me best friends the one person I could go to to get whatever I needed to get off my mind I go back in my mind and think of what I could have done more of to take care of her. But there was nothing I could do not once did she ask why her. She would say just pray for me. And it is in Gods hands I just don’t understand all of this To watch ur mom the one that gave me life took care of me when I was sick there when my kids were born there for me when I needed her And then just to watch her slip away slowly in pain and nothing I could do To watch her take her last breath Why she is looking you in your eyes was the hardest thing to do And now what do I do my best friend is gone That one person in life that would make everything fine for me is now gone. It’s just hard for me to understand all of this. If some one understands more then me please tell me how to understand. I hate cancer that’s what took her stomach cancer. She was the best lady ever I love you mom
Ms. Fraga, I have empathy for you. Your pain, my heart because I also lost my mother to cancer. Nothing made any sense, no religious views helped especially not being told “God needed another little angel” because I knew God wouldn’t do something like that. If that’s what you need to cling to, I certainly do not want to hurt or stumble you, however, if you want a firm solid hope read on. The Bible, or the Holy Scriptures hold out a tremendous hope that lifts this burden off of our shoulders. In it we learn that “the dead are conscious of nothing at all.” This helps because it show us that our mothers are no longer in pain, and instead they are experiencing what Jesus Christ described as a “deep sleep-like state.” The Bible also tells us that there will come a time, very soon in fact, that the dead ones will be resurrected to perfect life here on the Earth where we can also look forward to being. Their health will be restored and they will live in an Earthly Paradise. You are right, it IS in God’s hands. He will remember your mother and resurect her just how you remember her at her prime. I’ve been coping with my mother’s death for over a decade and this is what has brought me peace. My mom used to say that “it isn’t time that heals all wounds, but what you do with that time.” She was right. By looking to the Bible, or Holy Scriptures, it has revived the hope within me that I would be able to see my mother again. This book truly is a letter from a loving father, that father being God. A book that helps bring these core teachings to light is called “What Doea The Bible Really Teach” which you can get on JW.org under the “publications” tab. Either downloading it to your computer or requesting a free print copy for yourself. You can also request more information on this wonderful hope for the future while at that website. I hope this lightens your load at least a little even though no human can truly make it all go away.
Sincerely,
Another Grieving Girl
I lost my mum 4 yrs ago feb she was diagnosed with lung cancer and it was so quick I still can’t beleive it she was 67 and was my best friend in all the world . I am 40 this year and I have a fantastic partner and 2 beautiful children aged 2 + 1 , and my dad and 2 sisters are so close we talk about her all the time , but sometimes I just feel so alone and scared because I miss her terribly but I find I can’t think to deeply about her last few days because I couldn’t handle the pain in which u bury deep inside u , it’s like a protection barrier we have and need inside us all .I think about the good times every day and all the laughs we had and I even still spk to her now and know what her reply would be and what she would be laughing at ,mum is still with me in spirit I know she still looks after and always will my guardian angel who guides me , my love goes out to you all be strong and safe for yourself and those deerest to you x
I lost my mother exactly one year ago today to cancer. I was 24. She was the strongest person I knew even through two+ years of chemo coupled with diabetes. I’m missing her more than ever today.
Each and every day it seems at least one person adds a story of love and loss to this post. I haven’t wanted to intrude on the thread but I want to say to all of you how much I appreciate the way you loved your moms, the way you shared your voices here to honor them. I hope that someday my daughter (and my sons as well) will honor me the way that you honor your mothers.
I have a very strong feeling they will, Lisa.
My mom died September 10 2012 very suddenly. I am a 41 year old mother of one myself and I still feel lost at times. She was my best friend and I miss her every day
There are so many of us who are experiencing the same pain of missing our moms. I wish so badly this group of people could unite in some fashion (Facebook private group???) to help support and rally each other through this valley. Though I consider myself very blessed by wonderful friends, I’m struggling with connecting/relating to my friends, as I’ve changed, I’m no longer the same. Very few, if any of them can genuinely relate. I’m not being insensitive by saying this, but it’s entirely different between losing your mom vs. a cousin, brother-in-law, etc. I understand grief is grief and can’t be compared, but I just want to know I’m not alone in this new found motherless club. A club in which I desperately wished I never joined. I nominate “Joan” as creating a fb group.
Clearly I don’t know you, but you seem to have a huge heart by reaching out to people…I’m thankful for that and thank you for your reply to my earlier message! We need to somehow be able to privately send our email to the fb group adminstrator who creates the page, then that person could add us to the fb page by looking up our address and adding us to the group? I don’t even know if that’s how fb groups work, just an idea. I’d try to do it, but right now I’m up with a sick kid and have appts. for her tomorrow. I don’t want my email on this public page as it has my name as my email address. Hmmm, any other ideas on how we can do this and stay private until we enter a closed group? Thanks and love to all.
T great idea x x
I know i would enjoy a facebook group please let me know if anyone opens one or finds one thank you
there is one called daughters grieving loss of mothers i think x
There is no greater love than the love a child holds their mother… Its 1:00 am I dont sleep much at night is when I get time to myself, My mother died in a car accident when I was 4 and my grandmother and family never talked about her my dad was the only one and I have limited contact with him I wish I had more stories to share with my kids I am glad I came across this site, for all of you grieving the loss of you mothers our not alone it gets tolarable but the hurt and pain of loss remains I have never gotten over her death and never will. I was filled with doubt that she may have not loved me cause she worked and went to school but when I had my daughter and I held her I knew right then she loved me I am so thankful for my little girl She helped to fill a void in my heart. I think of my mother daily when my little girl does things I wish I could share with her. I wonder if any of you still talk to your mother It may sound silly but it seems like shes always been gone so I talk to her and write her letters, Its my way of coping I guess. I dream of her every now and then. im sure someone understands, l will always love my mom.
I found a fb group called “Motherless Daughters.” There are several groups that have similar names, but the one I joined has 4,500+ members. Such a hard thing to read, yet comforting to know we’re not alone in missing our moms!
I think I’ll check it out, too….thank you for the suggestion, T. It is nice to know we’re not alone in how we feel, and I think it helps to reach out…even if it’s through FB messages.
I lost my beautiful mother on July-28-2012. She was only 71. She lived a model life; never drank, smoke, ate a healthy diet, and walked everyday. She had a lung condition called Pulmonary Fibrosis. We had never heard of this illness until she was contracted it 6 years ago. It was basically a death sentance. Every doctor we saw said there was no effective med and a lung transplant was our only option- and that was not 100%. They gave her 3 years and she lived 6. We never gave up hope-the last year of life she was in and out the hospital and was on oxygen 24/7. I was watching her waist away before my eyes. I still keep thinking she would be the exception, and beat this illness.
I loved my Mom more than words can express. She really was my best-friend. I shared everything with her. I have 3 brothers-one who battles a drug problem-my Mom never gave up hope for him. I took care of my Mother till the end. I held hand as she made her journey to the next life. I thought watching her take her last breath would comfort me- as I am a devout Catholic and thought I would feel the holy spirit- this was so not true. She gasped for breath and I could hear her drowing in her own fluids. There was nothing peaceful or beautiful about it. I have tried to erase this horrible image from mind, but it haunts me to this day. I could leave to die alone. She brought me into this world and would not leave her leave this world alone. I can’t seem to move forward- I try to put on strong front for my teenage son and my poor Dad. My Dad has suffered two heart attacks in the past 5 months and has moved in with me. He no longer drives because of vision problems from diabetic problems- and I am just overwhelmed, I feel I can never be fully happy again.. I miss her so much. I have dreamed of her and wake missing her so much. Beth are you on facebook.?
I need so much help!!!
Hi Robin…I just re-read your post tonight because I’m really missing my mom who passed Dec. 26th from lung cancer. Sometimes I visit this blog. How are you doing? Are you feeling slightly better? -Joan
My mom just passed away last week at 93 with pulmonary fibrosis. I knew this was a debilitating disease but I never put it together that she would only have 2 years left. I called her every day and visited her at home or in the hospital all the time. Yet I feel that I wasn;t there for her as I had to still go to work. this pain is like nothing I ever imagined. I am so happy she is gone in that there is no more suffering but I can’t believe the size of the hole in my hearts. How are you getting through all this.
Even though no one knows how we feel its still nice to know someone is out there suffering from all of this stress and pain of losing your mother
My live-in girlfreind, 25, just lost her Mom this past Sunday 02/17/2013. My soul aches for the pain she is enduring. I usually wake up crying because of the pain I witnessed and hear. If there is anything I’ve learned in this short few days that could be used by others closest to those greiving is that the greiving process is unique to each individual and its important to remove any selfish feelings of your own and let it be known that you are there. Let them come to you when they feel they need something. Act as a tool for their using. Be the safety net that catches them. I love you Nicole and I’ll always here when its time to come home. -Josh
That is amazing advice. She is lucky to have a man at her side who is understanding and “there”. That is the most important thing. It will take a while, but one day she will slowly start coming back to being more herself. Very moving, what you posted. Keep strong and Your girlfriend and family all the best!
I wanted to thank you for this article. It’s poignant, and true. Life events and other’s deaths do make for a “re-loss” as it were. I know because my mother died from cancer when I was 7 y.o. and I have experienced this first-hand since. I was wondering if you had any advice for how to cope on graduation day and any suggestions on remembering her at my graduation party where hardly anyone except family knew her. If you did, I would sincerely appreciate it.
Thank you for this article- I was adopted at age 5 and never met my biological mother- I searched 6 months ago and found her-I am 44 years old- unfortunately….she died before I got to meet her of MS. I got the devastating news in August of 2013 and i still cry daily for “loss of mommy”. Not meeting her makes the loss of mommy even greater. I am one f many adoptees who “find a grave” I appreciated the post and it touched my heart to read the many replies also. Thank you
Hi everyone, i happened to be scrolling through the website late at night looking for some comfort and stories similar to mine, and i have found it. I was 13 when my mum died and i remember my dad taking it so bad that i focused on trying to keep him strong. Many nights as a teenager i would watch my dad through the open doorway as he clutch on to a photo of my mum and he would be crying, in a way i think that what made me get through day to day. Then my dad passed away when i was 23 years old it was like i had lost my world. I am now 33 and have 2 beautiful boys of my own and am going through a scary time with my health and as it says above, its times when you are at these hospital appointments that i wish i had my mother there to hold my hand and say, everything will be okay, and also when it gets to much it would be good to pick up the phone just here he say those words again… it has been 20 years since my mother passed and i still think that for many years to come i will still grieve and have the same pain as i do today.
thank you for your stories and god bless.x
I lost my mother o February 01/2013. It is indeed very difficult when people try to quantify your grief and expects you to act with niormal social courtsey.
I want to thank everyone for sharing their experiences; I think many of us have been helped in some way, myself too. I am 33 and my 58-year-old mother died of very aggressive brain cancer on February 17. She suddenly collapsed on December 23, 2012 from pressure in her skull and was soon diagnosed as terminal. We spent our favorite holidays taking care of her, her condition progressing faster than we could keep up with. We hadn’t even really had time to fully accept the fact she was dying. It’s just 2 weeks since she passed and I don’t know what else do to but let myself cry and be angry. I know this immediate agony will lessen as everyone likes to tell me, but it’s never going to be ‘normal’ again. I worry for my sister and father too, and I promised Mom I would take care of them. We are just trying to hold each other up right now. It’s helpful to learn what we might expect to feel a year or a few years from now even. I want to check out that Facebook group too. My sympathies to all of you.
I have just lost my mother 2 days ago on March 5. I am 26 years old and I feel so lost. I am glad that she is no longer sick as she had been suffering from MS for 12 years and died of a complication of her body being weakened by the MS. She passed away at home asleep in her own bed. Even with this I still cannot believe that she if gone. Her death was so sudden and unexpected, I am just not sure what to do. Her memorial is on Saturday and I feel over whelmed by everything that needs to be done. All I keep thinking is she was just 49 she should still be here.
I keep thinking about what we had last spoke about when I last saw her. I told her that my husband and I were going to begin trying to get pregnant within the next year since we are coming up on our 1st wedding anniversary. She was so excited and she couldn’t wait to see her first grandchild. Now I will never get to see her face when I do become pregnant. I keep thinking why did this have to happen. Why couldn’t she stay around for a little while longer. I know this will get easier over time but I know it will never go away fully. I am always going to miss my mother but I know that she is looking over me as I continue through life.
I know that my father’s and I relationship is going to change as we begin new lives with out my mother since it revolved much around taking care of her. I am relieved now she is gone and I know she is happy as well that we no longer have that burden but I feel guilty for feeling this way. My husband tells me that is natural to feel relieved and tells me that she wanted this for us well. My husband has been around for the last 4 years of her life and is very much involved himself with my mother and he knows there is no reason to feel guilty. I still do feel guilty though.
I am hoping once we get past the memorial and say our final good byes things will get a little easier. I know its going to be a long road.
I lost my mother when I was 9; just a few weeks from my 10th birthday. She was diagnosed with a stage 3 sarcoma tumor just a couple years before she passed. She was pregnant with my little sister when it was discovered. She died when my little sister was 1 1/2 y.o. . I saw her suffer through the agony of chemo side effects and losing her hair. In a family of 7 kids, I am the middle child. Us kids had so much faith that she would recover and I prayed every night that she would survive and stay with us! I was in denial, I suppose, but also very uneducated on the matter as would be expected for a 9 y.o. I put all of these feelings in the back of my memory for many years and lived my teen life not thinking about it, at all. My dad, a very closed off, doesn’t talk about his feelings type of man, never really talked about her; When he, very rarely, brings her up in conversation, he refers to her by her first name rather than “your mom”. That hurts. I have many regrets with the circumstances that surrounded her passing. She spent her last days(weeks) at home, on hospice. I remember her asking me to hold a cup of water for her while she brushed her teeth. I was disgusted and didn’t want to do it. I had an attitude about it. I don’t know why i would act this way, but i feel so bad! At the time, i just wanted to push all the pain away of watching her suffer and pretty much ignored her. I spent all of my time outdoors, avoiding having to be inside the house. She went into a coma for a few days, before she finally passed. It still didn’t click then how serious this was, and that she was actually dying! The morning of her passing, I could hear my older sister and my dad discussing how they will break the news to us little kids. I thought i was dreaming this conversation as i buried my head deeper in the pillow and crawled under the blanket. My dad, 44 at the time, touched my shoulder to wake me, and quietly said ” your mom is gone, she passed” as his voice broke and he dropped his head”. This is all so clear in my head, like it just happened yesterday! I just rolled over in bed and layed there, broken but numb! I still went to school that day. My dad tried to tell me i didn’t have to attend that day, but I insisted. It was WASL testing, and I just had to be there. I wanted to be away from the truth, the pain, the sadness. I wanted to escape. At school, i was so quiet that day. My teacher had found out, somehow, and approached me at lunchtime in the hallway and confronted me. I denied it to her and told her ” i have no idea what you are talking about.” She sent me to the shcool counselor for a group session; he put a candy bowl in front of me while the girl next to me vented about the loss of her dog. Mother’s day was just a few weeks after her death, and it was torturous to watcht the kids in class make mother’s day cards and stare at me, knowing that i was motherless. I was embarrassed, but i shouldn’t have been! I should have gladly made a card and took it to her grave. I don’t know why that wasn’t suggested. I ended up just making a card that had nothing to do with mother’s day. I said nothing. The funeral, i did not attend. I refused. I just wanted to go to school. I did not want to see her be put in the ground. I knew that it was final. I somehow convinced myself that it was all a mistake, someone would call and say she hadn’t died, and that she was just still in the coma. I puked mmy guts out on the schoolbus that day, and listened to the busdriver yell for me to aim at the trash while the kids around me laughed, groaned, and pointed. I don’t discuss everything that i felt those few days surrounding her death, very often. I did not want the pity and also did not want to revisit the feelings. The last few years, though, i have been struggling with her death as if it was recent. I am 24 now and have two children and in a rocky marriage. I feel like i have a void in my heart, or a pit in my soul. I am missing my mom and think about her often. Her face is so fresh in my memory and i lone to hear her voice and even miss her smell. It saddens me that she isn’t here to share the joys of my children, or see how happy they make me. I read this blog because i was looking for answers as to why i feel this pain, now. It is true that you never get over it! NEVER. I definetely believe that i bypassed one of the stages of the greiving process, that has resurfaced lately with all of the changes that i have endured in my life the past couple years. I kept wondering what it would be like to just call her for advice, or stop in and visit with her and play with the kids, or cook together. She loved to bake. This blog, just gave me a little more insight as to the meaning of my recent struggles with her loss despite the many years that have passed. I don’t wish this type of pain/experience on anyone. I hope to get my hands on the book “Motherless Daughters”. Reading it will help me make more sense of why this is all coming back now. It is so true that ” in childhood daughters don’t appreciate their mothers when they are young until they themselves become wives/mothers.”
I understand completely. My dear mother was my touchstone. The only person who could completely understand any of my problems and say the magic words that made me feel, if nothing else, that someone totally understood. I cared for her the last 4 years while going through other very stressful times, and although she always said I was the one who gave her the best care, I remember times when I was not as patient as I should have been. Not often, and I’m sure she understood but I will always regret. I always tried to keep her entertained with the latest news, etc., she had the sharpest mind!! incredible. I watched as her world went from working full time until 87 years old, then losing her husband (my dear dad), then going on oxygen and not being able to work but still fighting every day to walk and exercise to finally in the last few months sitting in her chair dealing with bedsores, nausea, fogginess, and having trouble breathing, and only holding on for her girls. It went downhill suddenly in Feb 2013 and we lost her Feb 13. I think my dad was waiting for her and wanted to take her out for Valentine’s Day. I am totally, completely lost without her. I have my sisters, but as many have mentioned, we are all on different levels, thought we have vowed to keep together because mom wanted that. She only held on for us. She sacrificed her whole life for us and was such a brave, strong, sweet woman. Everyone who knew her said she was a saint. I truly do not know how I will live without her and quite frankly, am not sure I want to. I truly identify with all of you and wish you well. I talk to her all of the time. I just decorated the house for Easter (much of it are things she gave me) and I asked her how she liked it. Glad to know people like you don’t think I’m crazy. I just remember all of her suffering and how her world got smaller and smaller until she couldn’t get out of her chair anymore and know she is now healthy and happy, in a better world. What a fighter! Not me, I’m a wimp! I understand life will never be the same again. I drove 60 miles round trip to her house and she would always call to make sure I got home OK. Oh, my lord, I miss those sweet calls! I miss everything. Love you, Mom.
Hi everyone. I don’t know how many are subscribed to receive new comments but hopefully some of you will read this message. I want to tell you how moved I am by this discussion and let you know a few things.
First, we’ve been working on updating the website and a few comments from the last week were lost in the process. I apologize wholeheartedly for this. If you don’t see your comment here, please feel free to repost it and it should be safe now. The site is now in its new home and should run smoother, with a shorter response time. Readership has grown so much and the old location couldn’t keep up.
I also want to say that it’s been so difficult to read your stories of loss and grief over the past six months. This original post you see here was written before I received my own diagnosis of stage 4 breast cancer. The writing I do now is so much an effort to leave a legacy for my children after I die.
My oldest child is a girl, now 14 (the others are boys, ages 11 and 7). I do not know how long I will live, hopefully years, but knowing the loss that all of you have experienced and knowing it will come to my children at a young age has been difficult. I hear your pain, I know I will inflict it on my children too. I wish it were not the case. All I can do is try to explain to them how I feel and try to give them wisdom and love in words for the day when I am no longer here to speak it. I guess I’m trying to do the reverse of what you all are doing… you are here reaching out to mourn your moms… I am the mom reaching out to mourn for my kids, and for myself… that I cannot be here for them as long as I want, as long as they deserve to have me.
Your comments really are so full of love and loss and grief… thanks for sharing your stories and providing a community to each other here. It’s not easy. The hole can never be filled. But as a mom I know I do not want my children to be stuck in their grief. I want them to remember be happy doing what I loved most… caring for them, raising them, teaching them, loving them. I know that’s what your moms would want too.
Lisa
Lisa, I am so moved by your reply— for the compassion and concern you’re feeling for all of us while you have so much on your plate. What a fantastic mom and person you are. I hope you have many, many years ahead in this life! -Joan in Kansas City (my mother passed to Heaven Dec. 26th, 2012.)
Reading everyone’s post has touched me so much, I lost my mum to cancer almost 10 months ago and Im really struggling, I have 4 brothers I am the only girl in the family and she was my best friend… Ive met the love of my life and we are planning on tieing the knot soon but when I think about It i get so sad that mum can’t be here to help me, I feel so down and I havent been letting myself grieve through this time, Im still in shock to everything and i dont know what to do.. Im 25 and I still need my mums guidance Im not ready to go into this world without her.. I just feel lost and alone, I dont talk to anyone about how i feel because i dont know what to say.. I just miss her and Id do anything to have her back
I pray that God places his peace in all our hearts and gives us the strength we need…
Diana
I am so sorry for everyone’s loss. I am 27, I lost my mom 20 months ago to a massive brain anurysm. It was behind her frontal lobe and between the two hemispheres of her brain. She lived 6 hrs away. I had just spoken to her the night before. . Her phone was dying so she was going to put it on to charge and call me back. A few minutes later she texted me and said she had a sudden bad headache was going to lay down and would call in the morning. I waited all morning called and text her. Finally I got a call back. It was her husband. He said for me to come now to the hospital up there she was sick. She had fell when he was outside he came in found her called for help. But he didn’t call me until they had already moved her to a larger hospital hours later. I made a 8hr drive to the big hospital in 2 1/2 hrs. I called my dad crying. I didn’t know what had happened yet but I knew it had to do with her headache. I was with her for 6 days I didn’t eat or sleep I drank cokes and energy drinks and sat with her. They said she couldn’t come back from it. But she cried when we sang to her. She would move our hands the way we said.. she fought hard. She was an organ donor so they asked her husband to make the call. I begged him not to. But he did. She wouldn’t stop breathing on her own. No longer a canidate they said but at this point they had taken 2/3 of ger blood to donate. At 6am they took out her tubes gave her morphine and laid her down. It was 6 hrs of more meds and she fought. I went out to the parking lot to call my daughter at her birthday party to say happy birthday. The sun was out but it was misting rain. I looked up and told my mom it was okay to go we would be okay.Then at 2pm she passed. I held her hand.. and cried. There is more to this story but that’s all I can handle sharing right now. We weren’t always close but the last 5 yrs we talked daily. She was my rock my laughter my wisdom. I miss her daily. Sometimes you forget she is gone and you call her number or you hear her voice. Sometimes you see her in your reflection or hear her in your words but you will always miss her hug her smell her laugh her guidance… I have 4kids ages 3-10, they all know who Nana is and she is dearly missed.
Lisa you are such an inspiration to all of us mums your post is truly heartfelt! I pray you live many many years for your kids.
This blogpost on motherless daughters is a such a life thread to me. I to am mourning the loss of my mum my best friend! When she died about 18 months ago my heart was broken and it still is! I am a mum of 3 girls and I try to emulate her in all I do but I miss her so severely at times I can’t ” keep it together ” but when I read your post and the posts of others it is truely encouraging!
Antoinette
Thank you to everyone who has shared on this site. I just lost my best friend and mother who had ALS for 22 years and then fought off breast cancer 5 years ago, only to be diagnosed one month ago with advanced liver cancer. She died 2 weeks after the diagnosis on April 2, 2013. She had been so strong through all her other trials, but could not fight this one. She was 88, but I was a caregiver for her for the last 11 years. It was so hard to watch her just give up and have to take morphine for the horrible pain she had. It was heart wrenching to watch her die. Even though I know in my head that I did a lot for her and she is in a better place, I still wish with all my heart I had done more and I miss her so much!! She loved me unconditionally and was my biggest fan! I love you and will always miss you, Mom!
I too lost my mum about 6 weeks ago. I took her to a and e and they said she had a mini stroke. It would resolve itself in 24 hours. They kept her in the resus ward to monitor her as she had a couple of tia’s a few years before. I left the hospital mid afternoon as I was tols she was fine. I
rang later on that evening to be told she was fine. 1 hour later she had an acute stroke and died. I’m devastated. I feel like a child again who wants her mummy. My husband was diagnosed with cholangiocarcinoma at Christmas and she was my rock. I feel like I can’t go on without her. Wendy
I lost my mum on the 27th march 2013. She was only 62. The hardest thing for me was this was just prior to Easter. I thought that i had my mum with me for another 20 years. As i am a personal carer i thought it was duty of care to look after my parents. My mum was everything to me from my mum to my best friend. She was also my rock and my protector. We stood by each other through everything. She was there with me when I had my two children and watched me get married twice. I rang my mum on numerous occasions during the day cause If I remembered something or the kids did something I would have to tell her straight away. I took mum to a&e where we talked to drs and then I watched my whole world turn upside down. I found myself watching my mum slip away from me right there and then when they rushed her to resus and I’m signing the paperwork to send her to theater. I was ringing my dad to tell him to get to the hospital. I got the call then to say that mum was dying and it won’t be long. Dad and my husband and kids arrived to sit with her before she died half hour later.. I try everyday at the moment to be strong for everyone in my family but found I came into a freeze and now find myself sitting anywhere and just cry as mum and I went shopping and just driving.
I will always have my mum in my heart and my thoughts and would always take her memory with me everywhere I go.
Love and miss her every day xxxx
Nic
its difficult to start for me, my mum passed away when i was only 4 months now i am 33 every years it make me a pain where mothers day come, i had never seen her how she looks but still i love her from the core distance of my heart. my grand parents brought me up and i used to called my grandmom as a mom. today i liked to share my feeling to all my friends but i don’t get any good message to write. can u pls suggest me how can i write my feeling
Wow, after reading this, I am realizing I am not the only one who’s lost her mo at 25 and fears that in the future I will feel saddened at my wedding, give birth to my first child, or graduation day from nursing school. My Mom battled cancer for 3yrs and unfortunately lost the battle April 16, 2013. We got to spend one last bday together, which was on the 8th of April but with Mother’s Day approaching, it is killing me she is not around for us to celebrate. Rather then shop and take her out for dinner, I get to pick out flowers for her grave. That’s all I can really do now. Does it truly get easier? I feel as the days go by I feel more alone and saddened by her loss. Pushing people away is easier and helps prevent my mood swings, in which I hate. I know losing her was for the best, I hated watching her die slowly, but I feel that even though I told her its okay to let go, Wow she listened and now feel abandoned. I’m afraid to get close to someone and relive what I lived with my mom past weeks, it’s hard, I was there for her until the very end through the ups and downs. Been a hell of a roller coaster, but now she finally is resting in peace, no more chemo, needles, appts, nothing. But damn I miss her like crazy. : (
I just lost my mom on April 18th, 2013. It’s not even a month and I have to say the sadness that I feel is over powering. I am 44, she was 72… not 73, LOL! I have to laugh as I so vividly remember mistakenly accusing her of being 73 shortly before she passed, and BOY did she set me straight. Of course my reply was “Oh Mah, what’s the difference…” In searching out this post/blog, I was researching the grieving process for a mother. I am fairly intelligent, I don’t suppose you could put a time frame on that, and I know that. This pain and grief is just so DEEP, for lack of better words, I needed to read something and validate in some way what I am going threw, as again it is that deep. Anyway this was a great post for the moment, as the perspective of my relationship with her did not die just because she did, that will go on forever and did bring me some solace in realizing that all is not lost. Thank you… xo
I haven’t lost my mum yet but, she was recently diagnosed with a very advanced and aggressive cancer and the doctors expect her to live for another half a year only. I cannot stop thinking about her coming death, her last breath. I wonder if I will just find her dead one morning or if she will get really bad and die after some painful days in the hospital. She will not be here to see me getting married or to meet her grandchildren. This is so hard, I do not know how to deal with it. It is somewhat comforting reading that there are many of you who have been through the same, but I do not think I’m as strong to overcome my mothers death.
My heart goes out to everyone here. My mom is still with me, but she has severe pain and disability. She has been suffering for much of her life and nearly all of mine. I am 31 and my mom is 59. The past few years have been extremely hard as we have been in and out of the hospital a lot for various things and she’s been getting treatments which aren’t working like we’d hoped. There have been many times I thought I was going to lose her, and have thought about her death a lot. At times I pray for God to end her suffering, but I can’t bear to think of my world without her. I cherish every moment but also cry all the time and she is still here.
About 6 months ago my best friend’s mom was diagnosed with an aggressive brain cancer and is now on home hospice with little time left to live. Her mom is a wonderful woman and has been like a mother to me. We live close by and I am also a doctor. Because of this, and because I am so close with my friend and her family, I have been very involved. At one point her mom was admitted to the hospital where I work. My friend, who is engaged and was supposed to get married this year, is one of the most amazing, strongest people I know. She has always been there for me with my mom, and I am doing everything I can to be there for her. We talk all the time, we laugh and we cry, and we hold each other when there are no good words to say. I am so sad, it is all so devastating, and I know it’s only going to get harder.
I wish everyone here peace and comfort. Thanks for listening.
I keep trying to kid myself i’m dealing with the passing of my mum but continue to have moments like this where i break down and want to shut myself off from the world. I lost my beautiful best friend on January 9th this year and not one minute goes by that i don’t think of her. We had just celebrated her 52nd birthday and Christmas but she had stage 4 cervical cancer and devastatingly lost her battle after just 6 months.
I have an amazing family and partner but find it so hard to open up to others about my grief which is why i came here. All of these stories make me feel less alone and have almost given me some comfort in a way, that i am not the only one going through this. Nancy G, your point about no longer having to deal with needles, appointments etc really helped me tonight, as this particular form of pain for my mum was not something i had thought of since her passing but really is something i am so glad she no longer has to endure.
Watching her pass was by far the hardest for me. Although it was peaceful and i feel so privileged to have been there with her, the last week was awful. She could no longer speak or eat and the last few days her eyes were glazed over. We did manage to have one night with her where she was more coherent but she kept repeating how terrified she was and this continues to haunt me. I can’t quite shake this time from my memories and all i want is to be able to remember her the way she was – active, healthy, beautiful and fearless.
I know this will get easier with time but for now it is just so impossible. Thank you all for sharing your amazing stories and so much love to all of our mums xx
I am 25 soon to be 26. My mother and I were in a car wreck on April 1st 2013. She was driving and we were turning into her driveway. A foolish girl chasing her boyfriend went to pass us on a double yellow and t-boned right at my momma. My mom had to be airlifted after being cut from the vehicle she passed away on the 4th. She left behind 3 children and 4 grandchildren all 10 or under. Her youngest and only granddaughter will be 1 the 26th of this month. Its going to be very hard for my sister and all of us. Mother’s day was hard to get through without her. She was only 51 and the brightest star in our family, she held us all together. April 1st was my dad and her 10 year old grandsons birthday. That’s where we had been, birthday shopping. I had set my wedding days for September 21st my mom was going to be my maid of honor… now she’s not here to be there on what’s suppose to be one of the happiest days of my life. I have had to postpone it for now it’s something I just can’t endure without her right now. My dad is 65 and in bad health I was always worried he wouldn’t be here to walk me down, never once worried about my momma not being there. This is the hardest thing I’ve ever experienced. I miss her more and more everyday. I don’t see the pain ever easing she was taken so tragically and suddenly. She went through so much suffering in that hospital and from the impact of the wreck. The girl that hit us had her cell in her hand were waiting on her records to see if she was texting or what but she hasn’t shown any sympathy to my family and she’s still walking free. The hospital gave us so much hope as well saying over 90% chance and all they were suppose to be doing was replacing a tube. Then she was just gone. No one got to say goodbye. No one thought it would be goodbye. My whole family is having a hard time dealing with her loss. She was an amazing woman and mom. We all miss her terribly.
My mother died 8 months ago, I don’t know how to deal with it or what to do, I know that I need to address it and grieve I haven’t I went back to work and lived my life kind of like I’m in a state of shock still, I keep wanting to call her or go down the street to her house, I feel empty and angry. I too am an only child and I turned 25 eight days after my mother died, I had no idea it was coming I was at work and got a phone call and she fell at work and died instantly of a heart attack, my mother was my life I spoke to her everyday two or three times a day and even bought a house down the street to be closer to her, I just feel lost and I know I need help to deal with this but I dont know know where to find it.??