A few months ago I asked my mother to share some thoughts on the difference between guilt and regret (A Psychologist’s Perspective on Guilt vs Regret, February 7, 2011). That post quickly became one of my most-read pieces. When I knew my mom was coming to visit this past weekend I asked, via Twitter, if anyone had any questions they wanted me to ask her.
One reader wrote:
My mom passed away six years ago, when I was 24, after a five-year battle with cancer. I’m getting married in a few months and I’m finding two things difficult: 1) going through a big life change, and the actual planning of the event, is making her loss feel much more at the forefront than I expected; 2) I’m struggling with marrying someone who didn’t know my mother and doesn’t understand (and honestly, not sure how he can, not being there) my grief.
My questions are: how do you help the new people in your life know the person you lost and understand the depth of your grief? And how do you deal with the new kind of grief that comes with entering a new phase of life?
……………………………………..
My mother, Dr. Rita Bonchek, spent her career as a psychologist specializing in grief, loss, death, and dying. She had some thoughts on the subject. I decided to add my own take on it; that perspective appears after hers.
……………………………………….
Dr. Rita Bonchek writes:
In American society, the topic of death causes great discomfort so people do not think about or discuss the subject. When the death of a loved one occurs, the bereaved are often encouraged to put the occurrence in the past. Freud felt that the mourner needed to ” let go” in order to move on. However, when Freud experienced the death of his favorite grand-child, he often expressed with great sadness that he would never get over the loss.
What is not appreciated about the death of a loved one is that “Death ends a life but it doesn’t end a relationship that lives on in the mind of the survivor.” Some studies have shown that mourners hold onto the relationship with the deceased with no notable ill effects.
A childhood death of a parent can be a devastating event. How the child grieves is extremely individual and based on the child’s age when the parent died, the cause of the loss, the quality of the parent-child relationship prior to the death, and the support system available both at the time of the loss and afterwards. If a surviving parent removes all items and pictures of the deceased and does not talk about him or her, the child is denied the grieving process. The secrecy and the inability to have a shared grieving between the child and family that shares the loss is a travesty.
The mourning for a mother never really ends. Even after many years while there may not be active grieving, there are what one child called “mommy-missing feelings.” And what does a mother provide for a daughter: support, advice, a significant person who can help and validate the child during development. No one else is so uniquely important to the child as a mother who helps her to form an image of herself. With this self-image, a daughter is helped to determine how to interact with the world and the people in this world. A daughter’s feelings, thoughts, hopes, desires and attitudes are influenced by a mother. But this mother does not have to be the mother who existed in real life but who is a mother who exists in the daughter’s heart and mind. This is a mother who is carried within a daughter forever.
When a mother-daughter relationship has been strong and positive, a mother loves a child in a very intense and special way. A daughter will miss a mother’s protectiveness, loyalty, encouragement, praise, warmth, and, as the daughter becomes a woman, an adult-to-adult friendship. There are special times in the developing daughter’s life in which the absence of a loving person is painful: graduation, confirmation, Bar/Bas Mitzvah, a wedding celebration, the birth of a child, etc. This is when the wound is re-opened.
Who the daughter was when her mother died is not who she was after the painful event. Every death of a loved one changes us and causes us to re-grieve the loss of other loved ones. Hope Edelman, in her book Motherless Daughters encourages women to acknowledge, understand and learn from the changes that occurred as a result of the early loss of a mother. It can take years. With reflection and understanding of what was lost when her mother died, a daughter can, with greater sensitivity, become her own role model as she creates a strong family and friend network of her own.
…………………………….
I had the following thoughts:
Even though the death was six years ago, it happened to you at a time before marriage and/or motherhood. While not relevant to all women, these are often defining events in their lives. While you had your mother for your childhood, oftentimes daughters do not fully appreciate their mothers until they become wives and mothers themselves. When you no longer have a mother to admit “now I understand what you meant” or “I’m sorry for how I behaved as a child” it can feel that there is unresolved business at hand. Not being able to ask, “Is this how you felt on your wedding day?” or “What was your day like?” is difficult.
Of course, a wedding is one of these events that is tied to family. How can you possibly explain the ways in which these occasions make you miss your mother? As my mom said, it’s not just the relationship you had that you grieve, it’s the relationship you could be having now. There is no way to fill that void, no one can fill that space. I think that incorporating your mother and her memory into your ceremony may provide a way for her to be remembered and present during your wedding. Because your fiance did not know her, he will not miss her in this event. You will, however, as some of the guests at your wedding will too.
It’s a common misconception that talking about your mother or acknowledging her absence will “make people sad.” On the contrary, I believe that talking about her and her absence is appropriate. One way I think this is appropriate is to mention her in the wedding program and/or light a candle during a portion of the ceremony that names those who are “special to us but not here to share this day.” I have seen an acknowledgement of special friends and family who are deceased but remembered on this special day. A paragraph, properly worded, could mention your mother’s role in raising you, making you who you are today, and how you wish she were here to share this occasion. Similarly, wearing a piece of her jewelry or clothing (like a veil) or carrying her favorite flower in your bouquet might help you feel closer to her on the actual day.
Grief sneaks up on you when you least expect it; the reflexive reach for the phone is a hard habit to break. Both happy and sad events can make you miss loved ones. Every little thing reminds you of your loved one, the things you did and the things you had yet to do. You grieve the relationship you lost and the one you had yet to build. The relationship was truncated, and that cannot be fully appreciated by someone who has not experienced it.
I don’t know if you have shared a lot about your mother with your fiance, but I think it’s important to do so before you get married. I think it’s important to write about her and talk about her with him. He’ll never be able to understand fully, and he’ll never miss her since he didn’t know her as you did. But he does need to understand how important she is to you now even though she’s no longer alive. That may not be intuitive– although your mother died six years ago she is still a very important part of your life.
It’s important to say that not all of the memories surrounding your wedding would necessarily be happy; after all, weddings can be prime opportunities for mothers and daughters to clash. However, the pivotal moments of walking down the aisle, first dance, photographs, and so on can be especially difficult.
Sometimes when we grieve we don’t know exactly what we need, and in the end, no one can provide the “fix” for us — that could only happen if our loved one came back. Realizing that you don’t really know what you need all the time as you go through this is important, too. Something your fiance says might be incredibly aggravating one minute (a reminder that “he just doesn’t understand”) but other times the same thing may strike you as supportive. He’s in a tough situation because he’s trying to support the woman he loves on a day that is supposed to be one of the happiest days of your lives together. However, it has a component of pain involved for you. He needs to accept that dialectic and not try to gloss over or erase the pain that will accompany all of the happy days you will have together. He needs to know that grief will be a part of every happy event you will have in the future because your mother is not there to share it. The sooner he can accept that truth, the better it will be for both of you, I think.
I hope that some of these thoughts will help you in the months leading up to your wedding and that you can find a way to incorporate your mother’s memory into your ceremony. I know she will be in your heart and on your mind.
Link to Twitter
Nice post.
My mom is still alive, so I did not have this experience. I have a close friend whose mom died when she was in her early twenties, and I have seen how it has affected her. She is happily married, with two kids, friends, work she loves, but she misses her mom.
I particularly like your reminder not to idealize the relationship, and your suggestions for ways a daughter can be close to, and acknowledge, her mom during her wedding ceremony. I also agree how important it is to honor the ongoing nature of loss. I think we are too preoccupied with “getting over it,” and “moving on.” We carry those we love forever.
Excuse any typos. I’m on my iPhone.
Hi Kcecelia, the last bit of your post is the most useful advice I have heard sinde my mum dies twenty days ago. Just the knowledge that I don’t have to get “over it”, yes live my life but knowing that is ok to honour this huge loss and that I will probably have to do it for the rest of my life.
My mom passed away 6.16.2014, its been 4 months and i feel no one can relate to the shattering feelings i feel. Im lost, and empty,
Nicole,
I lost my.mom in Feb 2014. There are days that are harder for me.than others and Autumn is a.difficult.season because.she.loved it, the vibrant fall colors and the beautiful blue skies that happen this time.of.year. I do not think we ever get over losing our moms. We go through periods of adjusting to different levels of grief. Grieving has no time period, you have to adjust and grieve at your own pace. I lost my father in 1999 and there are times that.the grief is still.fresh, but not as.sharp as.the pain.of.losing my mom. God bless you and help.you through this walk.
Dee
Donna, I can relate to you. My mum left us in March 2014 and her favourite time of year is Christmas. I have struggled terribly this year as a mother of two 9 year old girls. Come the first of January I could not wait to take down all of the decorations. I feel guilty for my girls but also sad that during this holiday season I should be happy. Is it normal to still feel sad after 9 months?
Shell
I totally agree I don’t think you ever get over losing your mum. I am an only child and lost my mum, my best friend in 2012 and never a day passes when I don’t think of her or have a quiet little conversation with her.
I really appreciate your comment. I was wondering if you could email me nicdiaz25@gmail.com
you are so right, I grieve everyday. My Mom died on January 20, 2015 at 8:30am, it still feels like that day to me. I can’t come to grips with the loss. Some of the feelings are guilt as I was not by her side. How do I adjust???
I feel the same way I lost my mom not even a month ago on May 25th 2015. My whole life has changed I was able to plan her funeral and get her back to Arizona from Florida in my mind is just been going and going and going. People are saying that I’m dealing with it so great but not taking into consideration that I’m an only child and I don’t have a choice but to make sure my mom is resting in peace. I get frustrated cuz I haven’t seen her in my dreams it. I feel so lonely and so lost being an only child I feel like no one understands people still have their mom and I don’t have mine. Its so hard not to get jealous of people that say I got to do something for my mom and I can’t. My birthday was June 16th and this was my first birthday without my mom it hurts so bad.
Hello everyone,
I can understand each and everyone of of u guys..how u feel abut it. Because my mom passed away on 25th May,2013. I was just 9years old then. I still miss her and sometimes I feel like I shuld just drown myself or just commit suicide because she was my world back then. My Dad helps me but he cannot just take my mom’s place. She wad the only one I could share my feeling with. I still love u mom…wherever you are…
She must have been a wonderful mother by the way you write about her. She shared so much in creating the you that you are. It’s evident in your observations of her…
my mom died 2/8/2014. I feel cut off from the world, totally alone
Cindy,
I feel very alone since my mother died also. I can’t seem to start my life.
I was her full time caregiver. She died last April, 2014
I still cry a lot through the day like she just died yesterday.
How do we ever go on without our mothers. And not be jellous of others who still have their mothers.
Me too Cindy. My mom died Christmas morning Just 3 months ago. I cry everyday and I actually beg God to give her back. I know it’s stupid I have a wonderful family but they have no idea the pain and sorrow I feel everyday
My mom died on April 23, 2015. I feel the same way and feel guilt because I have very supportive children and an amazing husband. I am so hopeless and I try to make my attitude positive and celebrate a beautiful day with my most amazing family, but when I think that my mom is gone a piece of me is gone too.
I recently lost my mom the hours before Mothers Day, 2015.
I am having a very difficult time coping with her not being with me. My
Dad passed in 2004 so i think the lonliness of no parent to run to is
an aweful feeling. Im reading books, and seeking counceling, but
it doesnt seem to help.
Louise
My mom passed on February 18, 2015. I have never experienced such anguish and loss. Some nights it feels hard to breathe. My husband has not been supportive. The tears just come out of no where, I’m thinking from triggers each day. Reading everyone’s stories is helpful because I don’t feel so alone. I have never experienced this type of pain in my life, I’m 43 years old now and couldn’t even imagine how anyone can deal with the loss of a mom, at any age. God bless us all and help us heal.
my mum died 06/06/2010 her 62nd birthday,now instead of celebrating that date i hate it i dread it,it still hurts too much i cant remember her without crying,it never goes away,it never stops,we all know how it feels and im sorry for you all x
My mom passed 2/7/14 I feel exactly as you do alone cut off & I don’t even feel as if I can really focus on anything I’m not who I used to be I’m sorry for your loss k
my ma died 1/8/2016 and i’m 18 and still in school. I feel the same way as you do.
Hey cindy x
I lost my mummy 6 years ago ,I’m an only child too , I’m totally lost since her passing as she was my world, I’m single no kids , I just can’t get used to her not being here , will this awful void ever end Hun xx
I also feel alone and cut off from the world. I have relatives in Canada and Ireland and I so wish one of them would offer me support but they haven’t.
My mom died May 18 2016, I feel the same way you do. She was my whole world, the only person I trusted completely, my best friend. If you see this has it gotten any better for you? I feel invisible and alone.
Dear Cindy & Karen,
It is impossible to get over this loss. My mom died while I was 5 month pregnant – 22 YEARS AGO- I still cry EVERYDAY. I mourn the loss of; MY mom, the loss of my Daugther’s grandmother, and mostly the loss my mom experiencing being a grandmother. She would have been AN AMAZING grandmother and I’m devastated that both she & my daughter missed out on each other.
I long to be with my mom so badly, that I know if I didn’t have a child, I would have left this world long ago. I’m torn between wanted to be free of the dibilitaing feeling of grief and feeling like without them I would be dis honoring my mom or her memory would fade and I would loss more of her, I’m not sure how to capture my feeling with words, I hope you catch the gist.
it’s very helpful to know there are others in this boat, even though we can’t see each other due to the shroud of “getting over things”.
Nicole, I can say that I know remotely what your going through as I’m sure most of us on this post can. My mom died when I was 10 years old and I’m still trying to cope and deal with it. The pain never goes away. Recently I started writing to my mom. I know not everyone is spiritual but it helps me feel like I am still communicating with her and though she’s gone I don’t have to bottle up my feelings. I am getting married in one year and I am really starting to dread her loss on my wedding day. I wish you the best of luck in life.
Thank you so much for this. I recently started writing to her and little did I realize as I was drinking my feelings away, and having dreams of her but not in a good way it was because I wasnt allowing myself to grieve. I was holding onto so much guilt. As I write and I mention certain things, I could feel her telling me what she would normally advise.
Beverlie, My mom passed away 2/12/2014 and I got married 5 months later. I understand the pain of not having your loved one at your wedding. I bawled for a good 20 minutes right before the ceremony. But surprisingly the grief did not diminish the joy I felt in marrying my husband. I believe that my mother truly was there in spirit and although I could not see her I felt her presence and that she was proud of me and it was a great comfort. In the end, it really was my perfect day and though I miss her dearly and will for the rest of my life I am grateful that in some way I was able to share my special day with her. I often speak with her and believe she is aware of what is going on in my life. I hope that on your wedding day you will be able to experience the joy as well as the pain. I send you my love and support in our shared grief.
I lost my beautiful Mom very suddenly and unexpectedly on the 2nd of July 2012, an hour and a half after having received an sms from her saying she would call me later coz she was missing me lots… The shock was indescribable.. she was as fit as a fiddle, young at heart, only 63..a blood clot through her lung ripped her away from us before I even had the chance to say goodbye… She was my best friend, my confidant, my counselor, my guide.. I was engaged to be married at that point. The wedding was to take place on the 22nd of December 2012. My world fell apart.. I would have to face the future as a mother without a mother. I am a mom of 5 beautiful children (ages then 24, 20, 16, 11 and 9). And I was 43. Had been divorced for many years after a very abusive marriage, but on the verge of marrying my dream man. Mom’s death ripped my heart apart. I would have to face one of the happiest days in my life without her there to share it with me after all she had been through with me and the abuse I dealt with. I had no idea how to do that, but knew that for the sake of my kids, I needed to find the strength.. the only way I could was by grabbing a hold of Father God’s Hand and allowing Him to wrap me in His arms. The first 3 months went by and it was the biggest battle I had ever dealt with. Until the 29th of November 2012… when in my lounge, in the presence of 3 of my children and myself, the other love of my life was ripped away with a massive heart attack… Johann passed away in my arms, in my lounge, 3 weeks before our wedding day… It is now 2 years since the loss of the two most important people in my life in a question of 3 months. There isn’t a day..or a moment in my life that goes by where I do not miss them.. There are so many times where I just wish I could hear mom’s voice just one more time. When Johann passed so suddenly and unexpectedly, I felt so angry momentarily that she was gone when I needed her so much more than ever before.. The loss doesn’t get any easier…every challenge or season seems to just bring back the pain again and again..but somehow you find the strength again…only through the love and the grace of our loving Father… My dad passed away when I was 5 and mom remarried the most amazing man when I was 7. He was the most awesome Dad and Father to me but unfortunately after a 7 year battle with Lung Cancer, passed away in 1989, 4 weeks before the birth of my eldest. Suddenly I again had to experience the pain and anguish of losing loved ones. It has been a tough road since 2012.. but I know for sure I would not have been able to support my children through all of this if it wasn’t for me Heavenly Dad!!!!!!
I lost my mom on March 6, 2015 very unexpectedly. She was 63 years ‘young’ at the time and I was 37. We spoke almost everyday and she was a huge part of my life and the lives of my husband and my 11 year old twins. It happened so quickly and caught us all so off guard. I have a younger brother with whom my mother was living at the time and he is also married with three young children. The grieving process has really been agony. As an adult, and a mother myself, I feel obligated to press on and put on a happy face for my children and my family but there are days when I find it difficult to even breathe. I miss her so deeply and although 7 months have gone by, there are moments where it feels like yesterday. I still text her and have even left her voice messages on her phone just because I feel like it is a way to be close to her. My birthday was one month after her death and then there was my first Mother’s Day without her. I still find it difficult when my friends and co-workers talk about their moms. My first trip to the grocery store after my mom had passed, I found myself being so angry at a woman and her mother who walked into the store in front of me. They were both much older than I am and I found myself wondering how it was fair that they still had each other and I didn’t have my mom anymore. I have replayed every moment of the last several months with her and tried to pick out a sign that I missed that could’ve stopped this from happening. I read an article recently that talked about the impacts on adult children when they lose a parent and I connected with it so much. The author (whose name escapes me) talked about how our parents are our anchors to the world and when we lose them, we are suddenly left to navigate on our own…lost in so many ways. I have been very fortunate in that, I have been able to talk to my mom in my dreams. Earlier on, I would have dreams where I was absolutely panicked because I knew she was going to leave me when I woke up. Now, I see her as a presence in my dreams…like she is watching over us. I find little things in my daughter that are so like my mom. They had a very close, very special connection and it almost feels as though she is with her or has become a part of her and that brings me comfort. My mother was the only person in my life who loved Disney World and Christmas the way that I did and as we approach the first holiday season that we will celebrate without her, I feel so torn between knowing that if she is watching, she would be furious that I didn’t dive into the festivities with all of the joy I could muster and just wanting to curl up in a ball and let them pass me by. This is the dilemma that I face every single day. Some people prefer not to talk about it but I am not one of those people! The magnitude of this loss has changed my life and my heart forever. I find myself even a bit reluctant to spend time with my mother-in-law because she is not my mom and it makes me almost resentful sometimes. I will never understand why I lost her so soon when, to me, she had so much more to do in her life and every single milestone that comes and goes will bring a little bit of heartache with it knowing that she should’ve been here to see them.
Hi Lyndsay…very sorry for the loss of your mom. When I saw your post I thought I’d share my email address with you because our stories are somewhat similar. Like you, my twins were 11 my mom passed. Both my girls were very, very close to my mom. My mom passed just a few minutes after Christmas in 2012, at the age of 78. I miss and think of her every single day but I’ve had a couple of really encouraging things happen since she passed that have proven to me that even after death, our moms are just fine! Anyway, feel free to drop me an email if you’d like. Take care, Joan
jlcuthbertson4@gmail.com
I lost my mom on 9/15/14 and my whole world changed! I cry every day and I miss her so much. I do understand what your going through. Just know that your not a lone I’m grieving too. Take care of yourself and know that one day you’ll be with her again forever! This is what keeps me going.
Kim
I lost my Mom 7/29/14, unexpectedly. The pile on was my Dad died just 2 months before after a short illness (they were divorced for many years). In the short 2 months that I grieved my Dad its NOTHING like the pain of losing my Mom. Its literally unbearable at times. And the fact that my beloved pet cat also died the day after my Mother….well you can understand that Im still a mess right now. Most of my relatives are all gone (Im 53) and I was one of those career only women that did not marry or I couldn’t have kids.
To say I feel alone in this world is an understatement. Its all I can do to just get out of bed, Im devastated and will always miss my Mother, my Rock.
Dear Kim,
I lost my mother on the 16 th of Sept 2014 and dad on the 5th of Oct 2014. I miss mum and dad so much! Take care of yourself. Yes, i agree with you, I can be with her one day.
Warm regards,
Sujatha
I lost my mother on 10/27/14. I am so lost and today is March 29-2015. I am told i must “buck up” or let it go. How to I let it go? I was so close to my mom and I realize having the 84 years I had was a blessing. My sisters and I were her caregivers, up until her death. It felt like a tornado came and took her..I knew she was declining, but she fell Oct 8, 2014 , she broke her pelvis. Oct 22 she was hospitalized. Oct 27 she passed with all of us surrounding her with so much love. I cannot get the last moments out of my mind. Her long gaze into my eyes was a blessing, but it haunts me. She could no longer talk as she was on a respirator. I don’t know how to move past this….she was my best friend. I am not sleeping. I am overwhelmed over the slightest thing . How do I BUCK up? My son thinks I should be fine by now. Well i am not…
I am so glad I found this web-site, I lost My Beautiful Mother and (she) my best friend on January 26, 2015 I am her only daughter, I have a brother and he is in prison. I have never experienced so much pain, my heart is broken. I miss her so much!!!! sometimes I even feel guilty? I cry almost every day still. I am also still waiting for a sign from her, I hope that in her new journey she will not forget me? When I am around my kids and grand babies they put a smile on my face but inside I feel like I am dying inside. I am gonna start a grieving class for six weeks, I hope it helps??
I know this is a site for women whom have lost their mother, so I hope you don’t mind me posting. I lost my mother 3 days ago, at 2:27 PM on 8/17/15. She had a spinobellar degeneration disease that slowly took away the function of her diaphragm, making it difficult, and finally impossible to breathe. She had just turned 81, but had been fighting this disease since she was 55. It gradually got worse, and she spent the last 8 years in a nursing home. I spent several hours a night visiting my mother the last 3 months of her life. She was the most important person in the world to me. I was holding her hand when she passed, while my sister and 2 brothers surrounded her bed, along with a nurse. I feel like I have a hole in my heart the size of the Grand Canyon that will never heal. But, I know that it will get better with time, but the pain will never completely go away.
I am a 55 year old male, and a former body builder and hockey player, so I am no pansy. When my father passed away 13 years ago from pancreatic cancer, I cried myself to sleep for almost a year. The pain eventually lessened, but still lingers.
The reason I am posting is to let all of you fine women know that there is no correct amount of time to grieve, as everyone is different. It is wrong for anyone to tell you that “you should be over it by now”. My heart goes out to each and every one of you, and I pray that you find peace. Please know that your mother loved you very much, just as much as you loved her. She would want you to be strong, and to try to keep moving on with your life. The best way to honor your mother’s life is to live the type of life that would make your mother proud. I am sorry for the loss each of you has experienced, and my heart goes out to you.
I want to thank you, Brian, for your beautiful comments. I can only hope one of my three sons will have the same insight and sensitivity as you. It is good to hear a man’s perspective.
Dear Lyndsay,
I can relate to you very much (I lost my dearest Mom four weeks ago), she was about the same age as your Mom was and I am 35 with three young children. My heart is broken, it was a very sudden death (massive stroke). My dearest mummy came to visit me (I live far away, in another country), and just collapsed. I do not know where to find comfort, I do not have any friends who have lost a parent and I hate when they say – death is only natural, you have to come to terms with that. How come it is natural when their parents are even much more older and I have to deal with this and get over it. Once I became very furious and told to approach me only when they experience their own losses. I normally feel very full of anger when I see other mothers and daughters who are much older than me and my mummy would be and this feeling of being motherless.. I do not find ways how to function and how to connect with my mom. All of my kids were very close with my mother, she was a big part of their lives and we are all devastated.
I think I kinda understand. I took care of my mom the past 13 and. A half yrs basically left my husband for the last five years to help her stay out of the nursing home in her final stages of life. I was the only girl lost a close. Brother 2 yrs prior to losing mom and still have 3 remaining older brothers. Not a one can relate to what I’m going thru not even my husband. I jeopardized my marriage and my job to care for my sweet little mom for she was my very best friend she was my everything! I lost her on her birthday on 3/15/14. I am still shattered!!! I am very lost for the one I trusted in and I knew that loved me more than anything in the. World is gone !!! 🙁
Omg……I can relate!!!! Lost my Mom New Years Day 2015. I am beyond devastated!!!!!!!!
I can relate to this because I moved from California when I heard my dad was in the hospital In 2010 then I moved back cause he was fine but then in Jan 2013 my dad was in the hospital then a wk later my mom was in they both had cardiac Stent put in on Dec 21 my mom had a mild heart attack .which ended her up in the hospital I was living next to them in a different building. She ended up getting another surgery which cop lived due to an irritant piece around that the Dr disturbed. She then would tell me that something wasn’t right she could feel it she was discharged out of the hospital and started getting seizure like attacks it was called vertigo on top the diabetes that was advanced everything complicated. I lost my mom on Jan 1 2015 her birthday it was difficult for me and I still get emotional I need some help I miss her more and more every day. I am 2 months pregnant and my due date is Jan 1 I was the baby in the family and very close to her I miss her so much.
The Righteous die on the same day they were born as did Moses.
My mom passed on october 19th 2016 she was 82 years old and my best friend. When my father was ill he took me aside and asked that I take care of my mom as she had a brain tumor when she was 50 removed and she was not the same to him after that surgery. She was beautiful and full of life and when i father passed away in 1988 december 15th; my mom moved in with my husband and me. She did not need taking care of in a health way it was more that she had never been alone. So she was with me almost every day of my life and the last 28 years of her life we were together 24/7 I was the oldest of 5 kids and was always favored, I did not ask for that position but it was a fact; I loved her more than anything and she loved me the same way. My husband and her were best buds and watched all the stupid bull fighting and wrestling shows together…he had a huge whole when she left. I however cannot stop missing her the rest of my family stopped talking to me when she passed so i lost everyone one that day. In 10 days it will be a year that I have not had her in my life and I still want to just lay down and die. We have moved to another state and I was thinking that it would be easier after selling our home that we all lived in but i keep thinking that she should be here with us and see the beautiful place we have landed. I am trying so hard not to cry at the drop of a hat one of my sisters had told me to get over it a few days after her death actually that was the last time any of my two remaining sisters talked to me. I have a brother who still will communicate with me and he is very involved with the one of the other sisters so he will be ok. I feel very alone and wish with all my heart that i could think of my mom and not break apart, I cannot even talk to anyone about her without getting too upset to continue. It feels like not having anyone to love me like her will always hurt and i seem to want to turn around and tell her something and she is not there. We had 62 yrs together and for 48 of those years we were in the same homed. Either hers as i was growing up or mine as I was growing up….I miss that lovely lady soooo much and cannot see the end of missing her or the part of my heart that was broken that day in october ever being whole again. I am trying so hard but feel like a child inside…. B
My mom passed away october 19, 2015 but it might as well have been in 2016 it still feels that way
I’m so sorry for your loss. I’ve recently lost my mother on 10/6/2016. I feel lost an empty inside.
Trust me I know how you feel. My mom was my very best friend of all and I am crushed
Patti. I, too was a career woman that never married and my mother was my best friend. I lost her in April from an unsuspected illness that was diagnosed April 1, 2014 and she passed away April 17, 2014. I feel lost, alone and crushed. Christmas was almost unbearable.
I can relate. I lost my beloved Mother on Thursday, December 11, 2014. I am devastated and having the worst time of my life. I cannot function.
I lost my mither August 17 2016 9 29 pm forever my best friend!. I am So lost with out her. She’s my best friend, completely lost …
Gwen I hope you have reached out to someone. I know what you are going through. I lost my mom 2 weeks ago. You can email me at f-e-soulmate@q.com. Lord willing, we can help each other. Good bless you and keep you safe.
I know exactly how you feel. I lost my mom on 08/10/14. I feel like my heart and soul have been ripped from my body. I don’t know how to go on without her. She was my best friend and we did everything together. I feel like this horrible pain will never leave me. I feel lost and lonely even though I have been married for six years. I am 48 years old and I know I must go on, but I can’t imagine life without her.
I also lost my mom a few months ago. I am 55 years old and my mom was my best friend and we also did everything together. Every time something good, funny or just a problem she is the one i would call. I don’t have that anymore. I feel lost and sad everyday and cry almost daily. I hold on to the thought that one day we will be together again.
Hi Tracy,
I feel your pain. I lost my mom to cancer on December 28, 2014, only three weeks ago. I am also 48 and have always had a very loving and close relationship with my momma. Though we knew it would come, it doesn’t make it any easier. I am grateful I was able to spend time with her in her last week, as I live in another state. But when the hospice nurse said it could be time to say your goodbyes to my family, it hit me hard. The finality of it all. I miss her so much. Her warm smile, comforting voice and her beautiful smile. She was my rock. I feel so lonely and sad and cry every night. I miss my momma so much. I pray that she is free of pain and soaring with the Angels in heaven; that seems to give me some peace. But selfishly, I just want to hug her again. :”((
Tracy, I feel your pain. My mother was my best friend – we were like twinnies! I watched her die after a massive battle with secondary breast cancer. I am so happy she is no longer in pain but I miss her so much. The feelings of grief are a rollercoaster. Take care. xxx
I lost my mom in October. She too was my best friend, my everything, and I was her caretaker. I got pregnant for her — she wanted nothing more than a grandchild. She died 5 weeks before my baby was born. I can’t seem to bond with my baby, I feel extremely lonely and broken. I wish every moment of every day that she was still here with me.
Anita I am sorry you’re in so much pain. I’m sure you love your baby very much but perhaps the bonding process is taking a bit longer because a lot of your emotions are tied up in grief from your mom’s passing. Hopefully your husband is loving and supportive through this difficult time. Your mom may not be here on earth but I believe she continues to love you and her grandchild. I truly believe you will see her again someday in Heaven!
My mom passed away a month ago and I am 20 weeks pregnant with her first grandchild. This has been the hardest thing I’ve ever had to go through. She was a three time cancer survivor and died during outpatient gallbladder removal surgery. It just doesn’t seem fair, she was so excited about becoming a grandmother. I know how you feel and I’m worried about the day that my daughter is born and hope that I can be a good mother to her.
I am sorry you lost your mother, I am sorry it was before she got to see your baby. I wish I could tell you how long you are sad for and how long you hurt. But I don’t know the answer. I am still going through it myself.
I can tell you that the love you will have for your baby will be strong like the love your mother has for you. You will be the kind of mother to your baby that your wonderful mother was to you. You will be awesome. Your mother will be proud.
I can also tell you that as you watch your baby grow, you will see wonderful things that remind you of your mother in your child. It may be the sparkle in the eye, it may be in mannerisms, or even tastes. My mother loved dill pickles. My little guy out of the blue loves dill pickles-eats them right from the jar like my mom did. It’s the little things you will see. They will remind you of her and that is a warm blessing to your heart.
I lost my mum to cancer 3 months ago and I feel no one understands. I thought my grown up kids would support me but they didnt they actually went away from me.
I lost my mom on Thanksgiving 1992. She died in her sleep. We did not have an autopsy – they said her chest was filled with fluid from pneumonia – 21 years ago. My first child was only 16 months. I never got over the death of my mother and it has changed the way I look at a lot of things in life now. I miss her every single day and I missed her when I had my other two children – happy events – holidays – sad times – graduations – the list goes on. Time heals a little but only takes the sharpness of pain away
I lost my mom 3 months ago to cancer, I have no children. She was 84 but a young 84 She was my best friend I miss her so much it is hard for me to believe she is gone.
When my mom passed away, it was a huge loss, and huge heartbreak. My husband has a tough time understanding what i’m going through, he still has both his parents, so therefore he has a tough time not knowing what to say to me. He is trying to figure out what to say, and i love him for that because he is supportive. It’s when i start crying he steps back and lets plus he listens. He’s just still trying to figure out what to say to comfort me. I’m a work in progress and it going to take a good while to heal, and like for myself included….we will heal. God strength is great…
I lost my mum 14 March 2014. The rollercoaster that is grief is indescribable. Sometimes I just wake up and cry. I am mostly a happy person. My husband keeps asking me “Have I done something wrong?” Trying to explain the loss is sometimes too difficult.
Since losing my mom (12-24-14) i am trying to keep my composure. Not just at home but here at work as well, it is so hard because my mo is constantly on my mind, and all i want to do is cry. I can’t talk too much about my mom, to my friends because i can feel myself get that knot in my throat and the feeling through me to just bust out in tears. At home it’s the same but i do cry…and as i said before, my husband is trying his hardest to help me but sometimes he doesn’t or can’t say anything. He does listen and he is a great listener…i honestly feel like i am completely empty and alone. I can’t keep a thought in my head, so now im having to keep notes to remember what the last thing i was doing. God is is my strength and i know she is up in heaven with her…but i just miss her so much…i literally feel my heart is so broken.
I understand. I just lost my mother as well. Your husband is at a loss for words. They all are. They hate to see us suffering. But they don’t know what to do. Most times they don’t have the same relationship with their mother, so they don’t understand. But they try.
Your friends want to be there for you too. They don’t know what to say to you to make you feel better. And, while they may be trying, you may be finding that whatever they say doesn’t help anyway. But they will listen. Tell them how you feel.
And, know it is okay to cry. Cry till your eyes get dry and you need to fall asleep because you are exhausted. There is no wrong or right here. And know that you wont be crying every day in the future. Just when you have a hard day, or you have a reminder…
Do what you have to do to get through everyday. And just take one day at a time for now. Keep post it notes handy. You will be in a fog for a while. It does lift…eventually. Then no matter how hard you try to get things done, you feel like you are in a big bowl of wax and you just move slowly. But, enjoy that slow pace. Just live in each day. Take one day at a time. And you may find you experience a period where you have a shorter patience level. That will go away too. I am 5 months ahead of your loss. This is what the road was like for me. It may be different for you. I am still hurting, but my point of view is changing…If I could be of any help to you in sharing what the road ahead is like, I am happy to share. Your mother is with you and is watching over you. She misses you, but she is happy.
Carrie thank you so much for response, i am dealing with it day by day, and my faith is a big huge help in it. God is my strength and without him , i can’t imagine how my life would be . I know that she is with me all the time, both of my parents. I do have my moments but then i have a calmness letting me know that it’s ok, and that she is better and watching over me. I’m blessed to have my friends and family, they help in every way possible…god bless them. My heart is broken but with time it will heal…and i say this to all that have lost their mother’s…birthday’s, mother’s day, christmas, etc. It will be hard but we have to carry their love and memories with and i know that by doing so, they know that we will never forget them and love forever. not just for holidays but everyday.
Same here, mum died a month ago today, in England, I live in Canada. My grown up kids seem fine, no understanding of tgecpain I am in. One day last week I was still in bed when one daughter came home, I said I had had a rough day, she actually asked mecwhy!!!! I am hurting so much, no one over here seems to understand, i flew there seven times to look after mum. I feel mill, have trouble breathing at times, feel lost. I had to explain to my husband that even ifvatvtijes inseem to bemok, inam never OK.
I can definitely understand where your coming from, I lost my mother 3 months ago. The pain is still real deep. Sometimes I try not to think about losing her too deeply or I will get depressed and almost feel like a panic attack coming on.The only one that truly understands how I feel is my sister because she is going through the same hurt as I am. The days going by just makes me miss her more and I’m very slowly learning to live without her. No one will understand your pain other than a person who has lost there mother. You truly have to take it one day at a time. I have good days and bad but I always try to think about how my mom would want me to live my life so I try my best to be happy and honor her in the best way possible. We’re only human and grieving is part of the process. Just know your not alone in the way you feel.
My Mom died 10-6-2015.She lived in New England and I live in Fl.My sister finally called me,after spending a week and a half with my Mom,to tell me my Mom was near death.I hate my sister for having all that time when my Mom was lucid,and I had 4 hours! I’m dealing with anger and grief.Some days I want to die.I’m 71yrs.old and I still feel lost,hurt and alone.My adult son didn’t really know my Mom and if he sees or hears me crying he acts cold,in my opinion,and says “get over it.”I think we never expect our Moms to die.That’s how I feel.Sometimes I take too much medicine to get “knocked out.” This is the worst pain I’ve ever had.Thank you for this site.It helps.
please help i know your pain i cant cope i need my mum she is my world i love my mum so much, please help me i feel suicidal please if we could talk i can give a contact number, or address
One day at a time….it’s been 18 months and while the good days out number the sad, they still happen. This weekend my brother and I cleaned out my basement where we had stored her belongings. We made fast work of most of it: Trash, donate, or keep. We both have limited storage, but by working together over the long weekend we worked together, quickly. Physical items aren’t worth fighting over, and I took photos of items I want to remember but can’t keep. Letting go of her things was hard, because it meant letting go of her in a way. My brother and I had to distance ourselves from the memories (which go in the keep pile) vs putting a physical object in the trash (a cracked plate she kept on her dresser, which went into a trash bag). I found some rather painful documents around my parents divorce.
And, some other documentation from my school that was exchanged when I was particularly troubled during my HS years. My parent’s divorce really messed me up for 10 years. I had forgotten how troubled I was. I wanted to be liked and loved, and between the mean school kids calling me fat and a home filled with problems, I wasn’t getting a basic need met. I turned out ok, but realized I had blocked out some painful years of depression, anxiety and confusion. People, love your kids unconditionally even if they push you away. Easier said than done but my mother’s love got me to where I am today. And she never burdened me with her problems.
Nicole,
My mom passed away on December 11, 2014 and I feel exactly the same way you do. I am broken and feel like I can never be put back together. I am sad. I miss her so much I cannot explain it. We were so close and spent so much time together. I find myself going to call her several times a day. And the pain I have felt with this loss is more painful than anything that I have experienced in my life (and I have had two children). I thought I knew what a broken heart was but I had no idea until now.
Kim,
I too lost my dear mother on December 11, 2014. I know how you feel. This day will forever be the day that my life changed. The pain is deep and unbearable. I’ve cried everyday since she passed away. I find it difficult to listen to music and laugh. Nothing has been funny since that day. I also thought I knew what a broken heart was, but had no earthly idea until this happened. I guess we just have to try to keep living. Our mothers wouldn’t want us to be sad. They would want us to remember them with love and laughter. The loss of a mother is the absolute worst. I’m going to try to fill this big dark hole in my world with sunshine. I think we can make it.
Nicole,
That is the exact day that I lost my mother. I feel that I am going to be shattered for the rest of my life. I began suffering anxiety/panic attacks in August. I sometimes feel that I’m losing my mind. Life is just so different now. It appears that everyone else is moving on so I just keep my emotions to myself. I lost my brother 10 years ago and I am now beginning to remember the pain I experienced from his death. It is such a hard process but I keep reminding myself that it is ok to grieve and I will be ok.
I’m sitting here reading all of the comments and this one read my mind. I lost my mother 2 months ago unexpectedly and she was only 56. My mother went to have a knee replacement so imagine my surprise when I got the news that she passed on. Since then I feel as though I am having an outer body experience. The world continues to move on and you feel as though you are stuck in quick sand. Of course I don’t want to fall into a state of depression so I try to force myself to move on but the pain runs deep and as much as I try I still fall apart often. People tell you that time will heal all wounds but it seems the longer I go without hearing her voice the more I hurt. I have 3 children that were close to my mother and its hard for me to be there for them in their grief when I don’t even know how to uplift myself. I assume I will eventually learn to cope with the pain if I haven’t already. But I miss her so much.
I know the way you feel. My mother died 1.26.15. I do not feel like I will ever be the same and that I will never get better
Hanae..I lost my mother on June 30 2010 after a botched procedure and it feels like yesterday sometimes. I have two children, her only grandchildren and there are days I just want to share an accomplishment with her but she is gone. we talked or emailed daily. I wont say it is easy but w time I can function again,
Nicole,
I understand perfectly what you are going through. Next month my mother died 1 year it will be. I still cry a lot. I was her caregiver and lived with her.
She needed 24-7 care and I did it all myself.
I have changed since she died. My heart is broken. I can’t seem to get my life going. So I can truly understand where your coming from. How do I live the next 30 yrs without my mother. How do I live 1 week more without my mother. My heart breaks everysingle day for her. To say something or help you I can’t even help myself.
I lost my mother October 25, 2015 and my heart is aching. I too was her caregiver and feel so alone and sad. I am wondering how you are doing with some time under your belt. I feel as though I can’t breathe in the middle of the night when I wake up crying. I thought I would feel more relief when she passed away as caretaking was tough, but I don’t. I just cry, feel sad, and feel so terribly alone. I have 2 sisters, but haven’t really talked with them since funeral. I had all the caretaking responsibilities and watched Mom die without their support so not feeling much like I want to talk to them. Sorry I’ve gone on so long but just curious how you are doing?
No one will ever know how you cause the relationship between you and your mother was personal & special, the best thing for you to do is focusing on loving yourself and knowing she loved you ……. I wish I could tell you a magic spell but I don’t know none and even tho she’s not physically present she lives in your heart mind body and soul
My mom passed 4 months ago also suddenly without warning. I feel your pain and understand. She was my best friend?
My mother passed away from cancer on January 15, 2014 and I thought that I would never recover from the grief. Fortunately, it does get better. I think that the pain and sadness you continue to feel just becomes part of your personality, character, whatever-and it is always in the background of whatever joy you might be experiencing in your daily life. Random songs, or French items, or just private jokes we had will pop into my head and I will cry once again for my loss. Don’t even try to “get over it”. She is your mother and there will always be a gap in the fabric of your life due to her leaving you. Feel the anger-the sadness-the humor-and talk to her daily either in your head or to a picture of her. Even a year and a half later, I will look at her picture and yell at her for “leaving” me. Grief is not rational.
I just lost my mom on July 23 2015..she was 76..it was with out warning she had a massive stroke,that left her with know quality of life..I am 58 and she is my best friend!
I this point I don’t know what to feel!
I lost my mom on March 17, 2013, my mom passed away after 12 years of having to depend on a machine to keep her alive, she passed of kidney failure, she lost her first kidney when she was 6 years old an her second kidney failed when she was 51 years old. She passed right before her 6th birthday. I don’t know if I have even excepted her passing or come to terms with it. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think of her, I have many days that Im on an emotional roller coaster an don’t know how to think or feel. I’m not sure the that the mourning ever stops. All I know right now is it has been 2 years an sometimes it feels like it was yesterday.
She passed right before her 64th Birthday
totally relate to all of this – only lost my mum to cancer a couple of weeks ago ever understood the intense physical pain I have, my daughter is 17 and also feeling the same as my mum (her nan) was like a second mother to her – we were both with her taking her last breath – I can’t imagine this feeling going, I imagine I will just learn to manage it – the best is a look from someone who has also lost their mum – i know they know
I lost my mom to cancer, Aug 2, 2015 at 10:30pm. She died at home between my brother and I holding her. She was my best friend, we shared everything, she lived with me and we did everything together. I am currently dealing with the extreme physical pain, and also the terrible feeling of aloneness as if I am the last person standing in all the world. However I do realize that this fresh pain with lessen over time as I hold fast to the promise that we shall be together again,
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed. Psalm 34:18.
My mom died Oct 22, 2014. I heard people say of their husbands or wife. That they were the love of their life…i mother was the love of my life…i am married and have 3 children but the love i felt for her i have never felt since. My mom lived in SF Ca she wasnt sick but she was unable to walk i finally got to decided she would move to ga with me. A month before she died. She was not being take care of properly. I have 2 sister one lived 30 mins. away from her and other 2 blocks away a 2 min walk. The night she died one sister hadnot been talking to for months the other she called and told her she couldnt breath she wouldnt come a 2 min walk. The fact that my mother died alone hurt me more than anything i have ever felt in my life…i will never forgive myself for not being there.
I had a problem with depression year ago the only thing that kept from taking my life was i loved my too much to put her through that. Now what
I can relate to what you said. I lost my mom Sept 17, 2014, she was diagnosed with cancer 3 months earlier. It was the saddest day of my life. I loved my mother so much and my father too but was always closest to my mom. I am married with no children and also live in ga.
I will never love my husband or anyone else like I loved my mom. I was very depressed and am asking god to help me and that mommy was ready to go to be with daddy, I just want their happiness. I miss her everyday
I understand it has been 6 months and I often feel devastated. Lost. Angry …never at my Mom …just the situation. I am an only child and no family that is supportive. I am doing better but last week I cried often and a lot. My Mother and I were extremely close. Wish I could leg go of all the “wish I had done this or that” ….and now I need her to tell me things and she isn’t here. So much lost… My phone crashed and I cannot retrieve the voice recordings I did of her. 1.5 years gone. My care taking her full time. I am so heart broken. Phone is bricked. Sad. I am trying to be kind and patient to myself because if I am not there is no one here to comfort me.
Angela, I just lost my Mother (88) and I’m 65. We have lived together for the past 33 years. I also am an only child, divorced with no children, so it’s just me, like you. It seems awhile since you posted your message and my heart aches for you. I hope that you are getting along a little better by now. Hard to say because going through this myself now seems will never get better. Please let me know how you are doing.
Oh Angela,
Your post made me so sad. My mom passed on Feb, 5 of this year and I have been beyond devastated. I never knew how crushing this would be – as many have said it is hard to breathe, to function, to simply get through a day. It is as if a limb or a chunk – literally – of your heart – has been ripped out. I too have all the wish I had done this.. and if only I had realized how sick she was….It is like a constant loop in my brain. My mom was the most amazing woman – she was selfless and beautiful and lived to take care of everyone around her and all of us needed her so much. Your mother sounded wonderful and as I try to tell myself….She has forgiven and of the what ifs….even if there are some that are legitimate. She loved you and wants you to be strong and find happiness. You lost the messages which is so hard – but you have her in your blood – in your breath and in your heart – there are now two of you. You need let her fill your heart – the best parts of her – and let her help when others are not supportive. WIth her inside your heart, she will lead you to others who will be able to support and share the time you have here on this earth. Please continue to be kind to yourself and to keep the faith that she is looking out for you and is in you. The more you can believe this the stronger and more loved you will feel. I truly hope you – and I – can find peace.
I completely agree with you. It’s the hardest thing I have gone through. I just lost my mom two months ago to ovarian cancer.
I am so sorry for your loss. My mother died when I was 2. From experience people will and can never understand the pain you are going through unless they themselves have gone through it. Just know that you are not alone. Please read Motherless daughters. It will help you so much.
my mother passed away 5.15.15 I also feel as if no one can understand the emptiness I feel. I dread knowing that my mother will never meet the man I decide to marry or the children I may have. I hate when good things happen in life or anything for that matter, because I cant share it with my mom or ask for he advise.
Nicole, I am at a loss for words. In a few words, you have shared with me what my future daughter-in-law is feeling right now. We just buried her mom today. The plans have yet to be made for their wedding in 6 short months and her mom should have been a pivotal part in the planning….I do not know how to help my girl….my future daughter. I don’t want to overstep my boundaries and I want to take her pain away. I will pray for you.
Hi Nicole, My mum passed away on 16 October 2014. Im still very very sad and I miss her so much. I can’t seem to get over it. Im only 44 years old and she’s lived with me all that time except for 3 years. She helped me looked after my 4 children. I feel so sad, I can’t get over, I need to keep going for my own children. The laughter is gone, Im not quite sure if I’ll ever be happy again. I hope that you will feel better one day. We need to try anyway. The good news is hopefully one day we will see our mothers again. Surely we will…
It’s 3:38 in the AM and just went through a night of nightmares and tears. My Mom died almost 2 months ago, was 88 and I’m shattered. I wish people would stop asking me how old my mother was because I don’t care if she’s 28 or 88, it is pain like I’ve never experienced. Mom moved in with us 2 years ago so I was her full time caregiver. There’s no doubt about it, we had a relationship that I’ve never seen anyone have. I’m not idealizing it at all, it simply was perfection. We never had a fight ever. My brother died in Viet Nam and my mother was devastated as all of us were but she really was destroyed. I was 18 at the time, and basically took on taking care of my siblings, taking care of my Mom and throughout life taking care of everyone around me. So, not only did I lose the most amazing mother, friend, therapist, any kind of a word I could use, I almost feel like she was more my child since I was there in so many instances in her life even in her death. I feel alone, sad beyond what I ever thought, and don’t want to be near anyone. Mind you, I have a husband that is unbelievable and loved my mother as if she was his mother and she adored him. We had 2 years that were great and also very challenging. But, for sure, there’s got to be a way to connect back to the world, but I’m not sure what that is. I closed my business of 17 years because I really needed to be there all the time so now I’m lost. I have no idea what to do, I don’t want to see anyone and the sadness is beyond. So, I guess I need to start writing to my mother like someone suggested and it might help. My mother’s last words when she had to go to Hospice the last 2 days of her life, when I was sobbing and saying to my mother “What can I do to help you?” And she looked at me and basically couldn’t really talk at this point and she managed to say, “You did everything.” Beautiful on the one hand and haunting on the other. What I wouldn’t give to just have 5 minutes with her now. But, she’s gone. I have to face it but have no idea how.
Wow I read your comment of your mother and I can’t believe how similar our lives with our mothers were i took care of her 4 1/2 years and I can’t believe how hard it is to lose her she was in hospice for three days and I saw her take her last breathe and she couldn’t talk but I told her I loved her everyday. I’m in such denial that I can’t believe she is not here anymore i miss her so much and tears don t stop running down my face.I lost her two months ago and I never knew this was going to be so hard it’s like a part of me went with her and it will never be the same.Gayle i hope you see this reply and know that even tho that you lost your mother almost four years ago know that I feel for you what you went through.I miss her so much and wonder if I will ever feel happiness again
Hello everyone. My mom passed llast week. I do have some regret. For a lot of years I lived in the midwest where we are all from. My mom moved to the west coast with her fiance. Then eventually, my sister and her daughter soon followed. I stayed . And I would fly out once a year or she would. Now I’ve been on the west coast for four years now. But, I’m hlad I did. Myom opened her heart to me when I arrived. I will never regret leaving the midwest now. I feel there is a reason for everything. If I haven’t been here Iwwouldn’t of spent time with her.
I lost my mom a wee and a half ago on Oct. 28, 2015. tears are streaming down my face as I type this. Me being an only child, I’ve always been extremely close to both my mother an father who had been together for fifty years. I’m so lost that sometimes I am completely numb and the next few minutes I’m in shambles. This is so hard, I’m not sure how to deal with it as I have no job because I quit my job on Oct. 1st to be my moms caregiver. (lung cancer). I hope you find relief and I hope I do too./ just not quite sure how at the present moment. May peace be with you and yours.
My mother passed away November 19 and we had her funeral yesterday. As I type this I am numb. I have cried and begged for her to fight but it wasn’t meant to be. She was told she needed open heart surgery to replace a narrow aortic valve and I feel that the surgeon did not fully explain to her about risks and what might happen if she had complications from the surgery. She did have complications and never did recover from it. So I feel guilty that I did not talk to her about this before it was done. I do take comfort in believing that we all prayed for God’s will in all and I trust that she is in a better place and I will see her again someday.
Hi, I lost my mom 4 months ago and it is still the hardest thing I have ever gone through. Today I fly out to spend thanksgiving with my boyfriends family and first time in my life that I don’t have my mom to celebrate Thanksgiving with. I feel like this is not getting easier. I am very good at putting my smile on my face and act like everything is ok. But it’s not. I cry when I am alone and I can’t fill the void that only my mom can fill. I do have my father in my life and he will be with my brother this holiday. But I feel like my life is changing. I so want go under a rock. I can’t explain this to anyone. I feel like none understands nor do they even need go. My mom was my world. She fought a long battle and she stayed here with us as long as she could. She is in a betree place but my heart hurts so much.
Hi, I lost my mom 4 months ago and it is still the hardest thing I have ever gone through. Today I fly out to spend thanksgiving with my boyfriends family and first time in my life that I don’t have my mom to celebrate Thanksgiving with. I feel like this is not getting easier. I am very good at putting my smile on my face and act like everything is ok. But it’s not. I cry when I am alone and I can’t fill the void that only my mom can fill. I do have my father in my life and he will be with my brother this holiday. But I feel like my life is changing. I so want go under a rock. I can’t explain this to anyone. I feel like none understands nor do they even need go. My mom was my world. She fought a long battle and she stayed here with us as long as she could. She is in a better place but my heart hurts so much.
I lost my beautiful mother three months ago to cancer. She died seven weeks after being diagnosed. The cancer was horrifically aggressive and I witnessed my mother’s body be consumed daily. She was my best friend, confidant and nurturer. I witnessed her last breath and told her to “fly with the angels”. The moment she passed I began to scream “Don’t go”! I then held her for five hours sobbing hysterically. I wouldn’t allow the nurses near her. I think this was so traumatic for me that I still cannot accept that she has passed. I don’t know how to cope with my grief and and her absence from my life is unbearable. I loved her more than I can say and during my darkest moments I constantly plead with God to give her back to me. I know this sounds so irrational but it’s how I feel and don’t know how to process the fact that she is really gone. I feel for all of you who have posted remarks and shared your stories. It takes courage to show such vulnerability and bare one’s soul. I pray that we all find strength to begin our healing and to truly believe that our beautiful mothers are smiling down on us from their new paradise. God bless.
The 23rd of this month will be 3 months since I lost my mom , there is no pain I’ve ever felt greater , I khow how you feel.. Empty , alone , sad, devastated. Lost .. I’ve cried everyday since August 23rd
You keep her alive in your heart. It’s been 20 years that I lost my mom. Most people don’t understand. I do. Keep making her proud.
I know this is a response from an older post but, I just lost my mom on Oct 20, 2015. She LOVED the Autumn so I feel like God waited to take her home at her favorite time of the year.
I am also lost, heartbroken and feel empty. I think of her all the time and randomly tear up just thinking/remembering……..
I am 51 years old and I was with her when she passed. She was 87 and had been in ill health/suffering for the better part of the last decade. It doesn’t make this loss any easier….I realize she’s not in pain anymore… now it’s our turn (myself and my siblings/father) to carry that pain in our hearts now with the loss of such a wonderful lady..
She has no need for a wheelchair anymore as she is carried by wings forever now. I miss her with all my being but at the same time I would NEVER want her back to continue suffering as she had been for so long. I’d rather keep my pain than see her in all of hers again. She never complained…she took what she got gallantly and silently. I see her everywhere….from the books in the bookstore (her favorites always seem to be front and center) to the Cardinals in my back yard (she LOVED birds and Cardinals were her favorite) I hear her words often……I smell her on her coats/sweaters that I have taken from her closet…… I completely relate to your shattered feelings Nicole Valenzuela…. you’re not alone and I hope time has lessened the sting for you and will eventually do the same for me. Best always and THANK GOD for the BEST gift of all, the memories & stories of our loved ones!!!!
I lost my mom on May 28, 2010 after a 3 yr battle with a cancerous brain tumor. I was 7 and my little sister had just turned 5. Its coming up on six years and I still haven’t finished grieving. I don’t think you ever do. I’ve found the best way to help is to talk about it. Its painful at first but it helps more than you can imagine.
Dear Sweet Soul. You lost your Mother on 6.16.2014. I lost mine on 4.8.2016. The grief is real. The loss does deep. Our memories reminds us daily of that which we have lost. I was the only daughter. I have two brothers. Dad is bereft. And yet, single yet together we stand alone in our grief. Our family is broken. Our hearts cry out MOM! She is missed. I, the only female remaining, miss her terribly and if she were here, she would give me solace.
Im so sorry. Mine died 8 years ago and its so hard. I can barely read this article without crying.it gets easier tho but never goes away. Its a rollercoaster of emotions its ups and downs but you learn to live with it. And its not so scary when u realize they are there with u all along in spirit and in your mind memories and in your heart.and part of us starts to be more like them.
Hi Nicole I can relate my Mom passed away 11 years ago and I’m still lost and empty. I’m an only child my heart aches so much
I lost my mom, the center of my world 4 days ago, & don’t know how to go on!
I lost my dear mom on 9/30 2016. I feel I will never be the same. I didn’t get to say good bye. I thought she was going to live forever
I CAN RELATE NICOLE. I LOST MY MOM 8.30.16. I HAD TO MAKE THE DECISION NOT TO RESUSCITATE BECAUSE SHE HAD MADE ME EXECUTOY OF HER MEDICAL DECISIONS. IT IS NOW NOVEMBER AND I FEEL LOST, EMPTY, LIKE MY LIFE HAS NO PURPOSE. SHE WAS MY BEST FRIEND FOR 46 YEARS. WE WERE LIKE SISTERS AND SHARED EVERYTHING. NOW WITH THE HOLIDAYS NEAR I CAN BARELY GET OUT OF BED. WHAT I REMEMBER MOST ABOUT MOM IS HER LAUGHTER. WE LAUGHED ALL THE TIME AND THIS TIME OF THE YEAR WAS OUR FAVORITE. I WISH YOU WELL DEAR AND TRUST ME YOUR ARENT ALONE.
My mom has been gone since October 19 2015. I still have a piece of my heart gone. I read this all the time it kind of helps to know that I am not the only one with this deep empty feeling. But what is helping more is knowing that we are so lucky to have had the kind of relationship that we had with these wonderful, strong and brave women. If i had not known my mom the way i did then I would not have this hole and I wouldn’t have missed that dance for anything in the world. Even though the pain is sometimes unbearable we need to step back in our pain and thank god that he gave us the mom that we had. Even my sisters do not understand my pain. They think i should be over it…I will never be over it as a piece of me is gone forever but I am also thankful that i can cry each tear as if I didn’t have that kind of relationship then I would not have known the woman that she was. It doesn’t stop the pain but I would not trade one minute that i had with my mom and she lived with me for 30 years. Here’s to a love that will be forever in my heart to replace the piece that she will always have, I am waiting for the day that it heals the missing of that beautiful person.
Barbara, that was so beautiful and so true. We did share a special, deep relationship with our Mothers that some are not so lucky to have had. Thanks for your words, its helping me to understand this great sorrow.
It’s been six years and I am still hurt and lost without my mom. I am still lost without her and no one can even come close to been a great as she was. I had to get rid of these new friends and family because all they did was take from me and disrespect me and my family. I realize there is no one good enough and I have a lot of hate towards those who hurt me.
I have a family of my own. And I stay as busy as I can that is about the only thing that helps.
I am at a loss. I keep thinking maybe I should join some charity or put my time to better use than thinking hurtful thoughts all day long.
When my mom was here everything was so calm and she added so much fun to our lives. It was perfect.
Little info on myself. I work with the military, I am high strung and very competitive. I don’t know any females in my league. Most of my friends are male. I love nice kind people who have the same values. And those who have faith.
So alone without Mom,
Janet
Aww Janet, you have a sisterhood with all these gals here. I’ve found that forgiveness frees ME. The people who have hurt me and aren’t kind don’t even know or care that they hurt me. So the weight of grudges only hurts me and it’s heavy to carry. You don’t necessarily have to speak the forgiveness out loud to the person and you don’t have to be chummy with them. I’ve taken a deliberate peaceful break from some people. I’m guarding my heart. But holding the problem out with open hands allows God to take the pain. I pray right now that you will receive comfort.
I’ve been writing a book on interviews that I’ve done with daughters who’s moms have passed away, to bring hope and healing.
Myrna,
Yes, forgiveness is key. After a year and 1/4, I forgive myself for not always being the best daughter I could be – in the recent past and as a younger person. I forgive my mom….because she did the best she knew how to just as I am. I forgive those who have hurt me. (I had a painful situation with some friends in town, and I have moved past them and found new friends who value me for me, but it took me 8 years to get to this point). I still cry for my mom, but know that I must move forward with my life. One baby step at a time, sometimes 3 steps forward and 2 steps back but filling my life with positive people, words, events and simple things has helped in my healing journey. I have decided rather to dwell in the past, in what isn’t, and what I miss or wish for, I must live in the present and put positivity first. Not easy, but it has helped. Forgiveness was a big part of it. For me it wasn’t a religious thing, but a mindset. Good luck to everyone on your journey!
I lost my mom on october 19, 2015. Life is very strange. I had a piece of my heart ripped from me the day she died. In the weeks that passed I had more heartache in losing the rest of my family in forgiving myself and them I am at least now able to breath some of the time. We have moved to another State and I am finding peace and can think of my mom without breaking down and crying, my heart will never be the same and I realize that, you do not lose a big part of your whole life and carry on as if it never happened. Now sometimes I can laugh with memories of us laughing together and I look at pictures and remember the exact moment it was taken. I can now get up in the morning and actually get out of bed and smile during the day, it has been a hard road but I believe that it actually started with the forgiving. I will never have any regrets of how I lived my life and having my mom in it for so long. I didn’t realize how much jealousy that their was in my younger sisters and the actual hate that they felt for me until after her death, kind of when you need family the most, but that actually helped with me forgiving myself. My mom lived with me and my husband from the time my father passed in 1989 until her passing so I had many many days with that incredible woman. She was pretty, smart, strong and funny and loved living life even after such a loss has her husband, my dad…that was another story and very hard. I know she is with me always no matter what as is my dad and now I am looking forward to the new adventures and share each moment with her when I am alone, with a smile instead of a tear. We will met again and when we do I know that she will be proud of me for living the life she gave me even if my heart will never be whole again. I have found a peace in this site and I still read through all the posts and my heart goes out to all of you who have loved and lost, and please just know that at some point you will find peace, but that place in your soul will alway be missing that incredible person that is your mom. I thank god everyday for giving me that wonderful woman to guide me, love me, nurture me, and teach me in life and in death. It is nice to be able to express the pain and not worry about being judged so I am thankful for this blog and all of you that share the most inner parts of your being. May peace and happiness find each and every one of you in this the hardest thing we will do in life. Thank you for listening and always being there when I needed you most. B
I lost my mom on october 19, 2015. Life is very strange. I had a piece of my heart ripped from me the day she died. In the weeks that passed I had more heartache in losing the rest of my family in forgiving myself and them I am at least now able to breath some of the time. We have moved to another State and I am finding peace and can think of my mom without breaking down and crying, my heart will never be the same and I realize that, you do not lose a big part of your whole life and carry on as if it never happened. Now sometimes I can laugh with memories of us laughing together and I look at pictures and remember the exact moment it was taken. I can now get up in the morning and actually get out of bed and smile during the day, it has been a hard road but I believe that it actually started with the forgiving. I will never have any regrets of how I lived my life and having my mom in it for so long. I didn’t realize how much jealousy that their was in my younger sisters and the actual hate that they felt for me until after her death, kind of when you need family the most, but that actually helped with me forgiving myself. My mom lived with me and my husband from the time my father passed in 1989 until her passing so I had many many days with that incredible woman. She was pretty, smart, strong and funny and loved living life even after such a loss has her husband, my dad…that was another story and very hard. I know she is with me always no matter what as is my dad and now I am looking forward to the new adventures and share each moment with her when I am alone, with a smile instead of a tear. We will met again and when we do I know that she will be proud of me for living the life she gave me even if my heart will never be whole again. I have found a peace in this site and I still read through all the posts and my heart goes out to all of you who have loved and lost, and please just know that at some point you will find peace, but that place in your soul will alway be missing that incredible person that is your mom. I thank god everyday for giving me that wonderful woman to guide me, love me, nurture me, and teach me in life and in death. It is nice to be able to express the pain and not worry about being judged so I am thankful for this blog and all of you that share the most inner parts of your being. May peace and happiness find each and every one of you in this the hardest thing we will do in life. Thank you for listening and always being there when I needed you most. B
Nicole.
My mom passed away 5 months ago and I totally understand your pain. Its like your best friend all your life has just vanished and you are supposed to be ok.
Yes, losing your mom is painful. There were days when I wanted to scream, when I felt so alone. But after a few weeks of numbness and anger and all types of emotions, I found comfort in joining a bereavement group, in reading about grief, journaling, and by finding one nice thing to enjoy, do, read or experience each day. Take a walk outside each day. Eat healthy foods. And, trying to get together with a friend or participate in a social group or club (church activity) one day a week helped – not necessarily to talk about my grief, but to keep my mind occupied with other thoughts. Little by little, it helped. Baby steps. Good luck in your journey. It gets better in time.
I lost my mom suddenly on August 30, 2016 at 3:30. I had to give doctor the ok to stop the breathing machine. That morning she was in the bed with her back to me. She wouldn’t look at me. I often wonder would I had been able to see the glory of God on her face. She and I were like two peas in a pod. You didn’t see me without seeing her and her without me. We chatted to each from sun up to sun down. And while I was at work I called her 3 times a day. Our conversations were always full of laughter and just plain cutting up. God I love her. I missed her terribly and she is the first person I think about when I wake up and the last person when I fall asleep. I told my dad last night that I feel like I will be sad for the rest of my life. There is a hole in my heart. I have my happy moments and am able to smile at work and function normally. Sundays are the most challenging because Sundays were mom and my time to wine down and we did it comfortably with each other.
To all of you I’ve learned to have my moments of tears and just cry. Then I clean myself up and move on until the next time. I ask God to strengthen me because He ‘s aware this is hard for me. I laugh with my friends and my sister and I are really close. We’ve always had a closed relationship. Of course we cut the fool when we were young. But we’re older now and we appreciate each other. We work in the same town so we do lunch every day together and take walks around campus and clear our head, chat about our mornings and chat about mom and most days I feel her in the autumn breeze among the pines and I smile towards Heaven.
I am a young girl who lost her mum on April the twenty third 2014 last year. My mum died of being an alcoholic for more then ten years and many more problems. I’m not going to go into the full extent of everything. But I know personally that it is so hard to lose your mum. She was the one who was there for you when you needed advice. She was the one who made sure you felt safe. She was the one who no madder what happened she was there for you and helped you get through it. She was the one their at school assemblys. She was the one made sure you were healthy. She was there when your BFF moved away. She didnt jusge you necause you had a different accent to her. And last but not least she was there when you needed a hug.
I also found my mum dead which made it harder to get over losing her. The wound of losing someone never heals it just closes a little bit each year. People who have not lost their parents are very lucky and people who have at a very young age are very unfortunate. People who are out there and have lost their mums at any age your not alone and I personally know that it is so hard to deal with it. People say you can just get “over it” its not as easy as that. I miss my mum a lot and sometimes I don’t know how to cope but with all the support I have it masked it that bit easier. I guess I have to stop writing other wise you will get bored of reading this.
Xoxo.
Bored reading your comments? Never, ever. I feel what you are feeling as I read your touching letter. I think it is harder to lose your mom when you are young; at least those of us who are older kind of expect it-as it is the natural order of things. Don’t even try to get over it. People will never understand until it happens to them.
Hello to you all, Maria, Nicole, Donna, Michelle, Lana, Pat, Kathy and Beverlie.
To you all who recently had their mother passed away, I sincerely say that I am sorry for your loss because I know how painful it is. I lost my mother a little over 3 years ago when I was 10. I am 13 now. And I am still grieving for her in my own way. When she died, her cremation and “grieving period” lasted exactly one week. I truly say that when my mother died, it was an event where my heart was filled with the pain of grief, denial, regret, guilt, sadness, and anger and my head was emptied of any logic because those feelings were the only things I felt and knew. That was the only time I saw my father cry ever. My family dealt with the grief by not grieving. We pretended to close all those feelings in her urn. I think that because I was so young, I truly couldn’t deal with her death because I didn’t know how to. My family members; father and older sister were busy with work and school and their own grief so they couldn’t deal with mine. So I just ignored it. I shoved it all out of my mind and I think I was traumatized because looking back, there is so much I forget about that year and the years before, especially about my mom. It’s only now with my eight grade graduation coming that I’m now able to have my grieving period because I realized that in order for me to live as a stronger and good human being, I need to accept my mother’s death and everything with it. Now that I’m older, I realized all the things that she did for me, taking care of me and loving me and I wish I had the chance to repay her because I realized that I was such a brat and ungrateful and just so terrible to her. And I guess that’s why I tried to “delete” her from my mind. Because there was so much regret and rage and sadness. I couldn’t deal with it 3 years ago. But I think I can start now. I have support from my sister and others who share similar experiences with me. I genuinely hope that you all can find your path in grieving and to able to live life sanely with your mothers in your heart. Because that is my goal and hope for myself.
Sorry for the long response. I talked to my sister a bit right before this and I’m crying. Thanks for reading.
Hi Hannah….my name is Joan. First let me say I’m so sorry for the loss of your mom. Secondly, you sound very, very mature for your age. I imagine that comes with having been through this kind of experience at only age 10. I especially wanted to respond to your post because I have twin daughters who are 13 as well. I lost my mom—their grandmother—to lung cancer on Christmas night, two years ago. Hannah, this has been so incredibly hard for me as a 50-year old ADULT. I still think about and miss her every single day. I think you are doing a wonderful job of coping with your mom’s passing. Please, please keep this in mind (I’m a mom so I can say this with 100% accuracy): do NOT feel guilt or worry over how you might have been “bratty” or less than perfect with your mom. She understands how much you love her and we ALL would change something about how we might have acted or spoken to someone during our lives. ALL of us. I believe wholeheartedly your mom lives on in Heaven and she loves you and wants you to be happy. You will see her again someday after you have a very long and happy life! I’m glad you have support around you but you’re right…everybody gets back to their busy lives and sometimes that support seems thin. You’re welcome to email me anytime for an encouraging word or opinion, again from someone (although much older than you) who has lost her mom and has 13-year old daughters. 🙂 jeffandjoan@hotmail.com Take care Hannah, Joan 🙂
I lost my mom on April 3rd of this year. To say I was devastated is a mute point. My mother lived overseas and was released from the hospital on the Friday before. My sister Carol had been visiting until the Monday before when she flew back to the states. She was placed back in the hospital on Wednesday late in the evening. We were told by doctors she would fine. On Friday we were notified she would she would not be coming out of the hospital. My sister Carol came to my work and notified me and I booked flight for the next day. She passed away that evening about 6:00 pm. I do not not think my mother would have wanted me to see her like that. I miss her so much, but really feel she is at peace. As my sister said upon arriving back in the states after the funeral, we just have to get on with living. I miss my mom, but know it is taboo subject with my sister. Everyone deals with death of a loved one in different way. My mother had been sick for long time and I was blessed to have her as long as we did. I’ll miss her forever. I look at photos and cry for the beautiful women who was my mom. Listen to her voice mails and she is still with me.
My mom died on June 9th 2014 . Her birthday was June 16th. She died of Cervical Cancer that went to her Liver. She passed away in my arms at my home with me then 18 year old daughter by my side. I tried to help her. I tried to take care of her. I Miss Her beyond any words can say. Sometimes I wake in the night still trying to accept she’s really gone. I get upset knowing no matter what I feel, or think she’s not coming back. Though I’m a grown woman sometimes it feels scary knowing she’s gone. I miss her calling, and find myself thinking I’m going to call my mom to tell her something, or ask her something again, then it dawns on me I can’t call her no more.
My lovely Mum died this year also from cancer, on your mum’s birthday, June 16th. I miss my mum so much too. I so much want to be able to really tell her what’s happening in my day to day life. I still talk to her in my mind though. It’s just not the same.
I lost my beloved Mom on January 14, 2014 to a swft and deadly form of cancer. She lived in my home with me for couple years or so before her passing. I was by her side at 4:03 a.m. when she expired. I miss her so terribly I just don’t know if I can keep going on myself. I knew it would be hurtful, but to this degree? Am I being unreasonable? Things seem to be getting worse instead of better as far as missing her. I always, without fail, try to do my day to day life as she would approve or be proud of me. I am glad we had the time together that we did. I even realized at the time that soon will be the day when I no longer be doing things with and for her, thus I enjoyed every minute and never looked at it as a chore or a “have to”. It is my sister that lives in a neighboring town that rarely visited Mom that has the regrets. Thanks for listening.
I lost my mom to Ovarian cancer two moths ago and I completely understand what your going through. I feel like something is wrong with me and it’s the hardest thing I have gone through. I moved in to help my father take care of her. I always expect to come home and see her on the couch and she is not and it so hard.
My mother passed away a month ago. I was with her when she passed and at the time I felt the importance of being with the woman who gave me life as she took her last breath. I could see the bigger spiritual sense of what was occurring. I have lost all sense of that now, and am left with this gaping hole that wants to swallow me. The first two weeks I was numb; we had been on such a medical roller coaster for 2 months, of being told that there was nothing wrong other than nutritional needs to being given a late stage Ovarian cancer diagnosis, and while we were waiting to start chemo her kidneys failed. She had not been home in two months.
So there was numbness at first, I was relieved that the torture was over, no more wondering, worrying, living at the hospital, it felt like a relief that those 2 months were over. I was mentally and physically exhausted. I felt nothing for 2 weeks. I just kept up with the new norm; caring for my elderly father, making lunches, laundry, paying bills.
I kept my grief at arms length, not allowing it to fully enter the picture. I knew it would pounce on me at some point and it has. These last couple of weeks has been horrible. Most days I don’t get out of bed. The first 2 weeks I barely cried, now the tears are uncontrollable.
I have never felt such pain, my whole body hurts. What do I do for the pain?
This to shall pass, that’s what I was told over and over. I didn’t believe it then and I don’t believe it now. What I will tell you and I hope it gives you some comfort, is what your going through is your new norm. My best friend, my rock my Mom passed December 2007 and I’m still grieving. I held it all in and worked crazy hours, took care of my family, cleaned, cleaned and cleaned some more. When I finally allowed the pain to come in it knocked me on my feet. I was down for months, wore oversized cloths, canceled any and all get togethers. It’s so hard to deal with family and friends who hasn’t had that experience, unfortunately my mom had cancer and died in the prime of her life and at the time we were besties. She was my best friend and now I’m lost. Sure I have plenty of fill-ins but now one can fill that spot. You will be okay, you’ll always have good and bad days, but when you can talk about your Mom without bursting into tears your making progress. Hang in there she would want you too. You are not alone.
I lost my darling mama on 8.10.2014
we were very close and had a special friendship. its so heart-wrenching but i’m taking one day at a time.
Thanks for the pointers of how to incorporate her memory in all the events of life as a tribute/honor to her.
Dear Janet,
I lost my beloved mum on the 05/10/2014 at 17.45.
My cruel sister took away my opportunity and that of my daughter( her grand daughter soon to be 18 yrs) to say our final goodbye to my mum.
Out of revenge my sister didn’t call me when mum suffered her first cardiac arrest on that morning instead she called other sisters and our brother so they could make it to say goodbye. Mum died thinking I didn’t care.
I had, had major surgery just 2.5 weeks prior to her death and because of my disability due to an accident 3 yrs ago I hadn’t seen my mum for almost 4 months.
My sisters were cruel to me on the day of my mums funeral, one re- opened stitches by kicking me on my operated area . I struggled on until mum was laid to rest and then left bleeding unable to stay for the wake.
I am struggling so hard to come to terms with losing her- I miss her so much every day – mum was due to turn 77yrs on the 04/11/14, my daughter 18yrs on the 09/11/14 and I’m due to turn 40 on the 19/12/14 – my mum always called us to sing “happy birthday”, to tell us she loved us. And when my older siblings by up-to 22 yrs older bullied me she sorted them out…….. I now have no one- I feel so alone in this world.
My father is alive but very much controlled by the same sister – he is heartbroken after 64 yrs together. I am not even given time alone with him on the phone or in person to talk.
I like you am struggling……..
My thoughts are with you
We’ll never ever forget our mum’s ( may they all rest in peace) I just hope in time the loss , emptiness and darkness becomes easier to deal with.
I love you mum.
Hi Farah,
I’m so heartbroken on your behalf. the least your family could do is unite in harmony during your mum’s send off. so sorry dear, take heart.
I’ve come to realize nothing will make the departing of our mum’s any easier, the confusion, hurt and missing moments are all so heavy, just forgive yourself, and also talk to your daughter to release her granny to the angels.
about your sisters, don’t hold them in your heart. forgive them (even if they don’t ask for forgiveness)….pray and ask God for the grace to move on and for the peace of mind for you and your daughter.
our mums are resting at the bosom of Christ and we shall see them in God’s perfection of time.
Lots of love to you and your daughter.
A year has been passed since my mother passed away. No one in the whole world can replace your mother. My mother had to go through the loss of her two sons,my brothers and my dad but she never shed tears in front of us(my two sisters) so that we will be upset. That helped us getting on with our lives, knowing that mum was there. My mum believed in destiny and accepted her fate.I am not strong like her. Every year I used to wait eagerly to go to India to see her. Now I feel I have nowhere to go. I feel lost. We will always have regrets and guilty feelings that we did not do enough. I am just getting on my life but nothing can ever make me happy. Now I realise what it means to be heartbroken.
Hello I was touched by your message. I also lost my mum to alcoholism as the secondary impact from her fatal car accident however did not survive major surgery due to impact alcohol on her body. I was 25 pregnant with her second grandchild just after thirteen years after her death I feel you never get over I have so many thoughts if ,but, what if, almost trying to make her alive in my head but reality not so which very painful: I think you except but never get over. Thinking if you xx
My name is Nicole. I lost my mom on 12/8/2913 at 655pm. We sat In the hospital all day starting at 6am and was by her side every second. To this day it is the hardest thing I have ever done and deal with evrryday. Some days are better than others but my bad days are still incredibly bad. I lost her at 24 years old. A time where we had just started to feel connect in life. Things between us were not always idea. In fact I moved out at 14 and did not speak much to her until I was about 20/21 (I came out of the closet and that was very hard on my family) I felt like I lost her in the midst important time of our relationship. We had talked on the phone everyday until the day she passed, I literally sat and watched as my mom passed away and it hurts so bad to even think about it. I feel so lost without her. I still hurt everyday. And recent we have decided to bury the cremations at first I was happy with the idea, a coming to peace. I struggle and hope that I am doing the right thing but laying her to rest now (she was cremated) some of my friends think I’m being silly by caring so much, but it honestly bothers me and hopes that I am doing the right thing for her and my family by choosing the decision to lay her to rest. some find it weird that I still look to her for guidance even though she is no longer with us physically
I still feel lost
You and Rita are a formidable team. This is an incredibly powerful piece that I will pass onto my friends who have buried their mothers.
xo
Oh my God. I’m not even sure what to say. I started to read this and now I’ll have to come back, because as I did could feel myself separating from myself. If that makes any sense. I think I told you that I lost my mother when I was 4, and I’m only just starting to work through the magnitude of that loss. It’s one big complicated mess. I almost can’t stand to read this, but I will come back again later and try again.
Christine My name is Melissa and I too lost my mother at 4, I am now 33 and I still have issues with her death and I miss her so much, I feel I miss what I think she would have been or could have been I have 3 sons and a daughter I was a only child and I love my children so much. I am so sorry for you lose if you ever need a friend I understand
I also lost my mother when I was 4. I am now 70 and realizing that I am still broken by the loss of my mother. Yesterday I watched the documentary film Raw Faith and was again reminded of my brokeness!
I have always sensed my Mother’s energy around me and I was moved to write a response to your comment. I hope my words offer you some comfort.
I have been reading the posts on this site for a long time. Yours touched me in particular. It shows us that time does not heal. I am 63 and I lost my Grandmother (like a Mother to me) when I was 28. Yes it does break us and we are never the same. I send you my very best and loving thoughts because I know what it is like to go through the years with a sense of emptiness. Nothing can replace the Mothers/Grandmothers missing in our lives. In my case, the only good thing to have come of my loss is that it has made me more sensitive to the loss of other people, more swift to act in an emergency and more understanding. My thoughts are with you. You are not alone, believe me. Lyn
My mom died when I was 5, 23 years ago. My dad later remarried and my younger brother and I got someone else trying to be our mom, is not until 2 years ago that I’ve realised no one is gonna fill that place.
I’m not allowed to talk about her or visit her grave since I’m 12, whenever I do it(only been brave enough to do it twice), this is very upsetting for her. When I was a teenager this made me very unhappy but the love for my brothers and my dad convinced me I had to forget all about my mom and not cause any trouble. Silly me, this past two years this has blown up in my face and can’t stop feeling heartbroken about not having this relationship in my life.
I want to thank you all, I now understand time does not fade the feeling away and there is lots of work to be done.
That is so sad and I can only imagine how hard that was for you as a child. I lost my mom at 29 and she was all I had growing up. I can’t imagine losing my mother at such a young age and being put in the position you were put in. I admire your strength and I think no matter how old we are that hurt never goes away.
Citla – we have the same story. I lost my mom at the age of 2. Now today it is 20 years that she has been gone and reading your story you just gave me chills. realizing that i am not the only one who has faced facts that my mother was suppose to be forgotten so my step mother can have her “own” family.
This year will be 6 years that I’ve lost my mom and my favorite aunt who was like a 2nd mom to me. They passed away 15 days apart.. My aunt on on 9/20/08 and my mom on 10/05/08.. When my aunt passed my mom took ill unexpectedly and never got well.. Some days are good while others are not. My wedding is less than 3 months away and the closer the date comes, the more tears I shed and the more depressed I feel. It feels like a ton of bricks are on my chest and my emotions run so deep. It seems as if Im hurt more now than I was when it initially happened. I feel so alone.. I think about what life would be like if they were here and just pray and cry.. The emptiness and loneliness that I feel is so strong that sometimes I feel that I wont make it through. My son is now 2 and every time something goes wrong, I cry because they’re not here and I know they would have helped me so much with him. w/o them being here, i have to depend solely on my fiancee’s grandmother whenever I need someone.. It hurts so bad bc I know it woulnt have been that way if they were here. I just miss them so much.. Thanks for the blog.. I really needed to vent somewhere, and no one in my life understands how I feel. I’ll pray for all of you grieving, and you all please say a special prayer for me!
My sweet Kendra
I feel your pain. I lost my mom, whom was my best friend very quickly on June 11 2013. Her heart was bad and we never knew. She was in hospital for two days and passed away of a massive heart attack. She was looking at me and had been scratching lottery tickets an hour before she passed away so quickly and peacefully. The room was full of medical staff and all I could yell from across the room was “I love u Mom.. she made eye contact turned her head and was gone. My husband was beside me and my mom was only one day away from her 75th birthday and passed away on my younger brothers birthday. I was 45 at the time and the pain and loss was and is overwhelming. My mom was my bestfriend and we did everything together she lived with us and my younger brother too. We were a family and always will be Kendra pray and hold on to your faith. They are always near and just think where else would your mom be and your aunt they love you and that will never change.
I never could have children here I’ve went thru painful losses and I have four beautiful angels that my mom is now holding and loving we had talked about her getting to heaven first and I had told her I would be so jealous that she’s there first. But I know and feel she and my babies are close and my dad of course… I lost him on my 26th birthday.. Heart attack as well and very quickly.
Now that I have pretty much told u my life story sweetie I want you to know you can write to me anytime
I’m not sure if u will answer but I will say a prayer for u!!! Be strong you have that little one to think about have faith it’s what has helped me
God Bless
Diana
My mother passed away 9 years ago this June. With every wedding of one of her grandchildren and every birth of a new great grandchild, I tear up knowing how happy she would have been. She made our lives rich and magical. I want to pick up the phone every day to call her and share news, gripe about something or just to hear her voice. I try to honor her memory by being a wonderful Grammy to my beautiful grandson.
This is often a topic on my mind as my mom battles a terminal illness. Sometimes I’m filled with dread and anxiety, other times extreme sadness, and sometimes peace. When a mother-daughter relationship is positive and healthy it’s a great blessing in life and in death, because as you said, the emotional relationship can continue in some form.
I recently read an article (I believe from hospice) that I told my mom about when she expressed some anxiety over death. It cited a very large number of people who started speaking to their dead mothers in the hours preceding death. It is believed by some that as your mother brought you into the world as an infant, she will bring you into the next life. We both took great comfort in that.
Thank you for this post. As always it too is a great comfort.
Thank you! I just lost my mother 2 months ago. The last time I saw her I told her that my grandparents, uncle, and cousin will be waiting for her. I asked her if she would be in heaven waiting for me? She said “definitely.”
Your post brings me comfort.
As i read,tears roll uncontrollably.my story is 6yrs ago,my mum passed to cancer in south africa,while i was on a cruise ship working.she raised raised my kids,till the end,and in the end,i was nit there to say bye.since her passing,i feel more dead inside and cry more often.i cant watch tv,where someone is dying.
I feel like i want to join her.
U are strong
Pinky,
I’m sorry to hear that you weren’t there for your mother. You are strong too. I don’t know your circumstances but mums want their children to live their life and to be true to themselves. My mum taught this to me. Mum passed nearly 8 years ago. My brother, sister and I left her in the 5 days preceding her death because we knew she was hanging on for us. After a sibling discussion, we agreed that we had to leave so she would know that we would be okay. We were very not okay but we wanted to let her pass in peace. She passed 5am on the Saturday morning after we got back Friday night. My brother and I stayed the night in her (palative care) room while my sister had to go home to here 10 month old baby who mum just adored. We heard mum take her last breath. It hurt. It still hurts. But mum insisted that we live our lives and be true to ourselves. so we thanked her for being such a wonderful mum (ups and downs in there) by letting her know that we would go on because of her. I have been suicidal but I would never throw my mum’s hard work in her face.
Take care
Trace
Erika your post brought me great comfort. I’m 52 with four grown children and 4 young grandchildren whom I adore. But one year ago I watched my mother suffer 4 years with cancer heart disease and kidney failure when at age 67 she died. She was my best friend and I miss her very much. I understand the the extreme sadness watching someone you love suffer. I loved the part about mothers bringing us into the next life. A nice thought! Thank you.
But then who brought my mom into the next life? My mother just died two weeks ago and her mother , my 95 year old grandmother, is still alive with us here.
My Mother pasted away in August of 2013. She was in hospice with cancer and I witnessed my mom talking to and seeing her mother and a lot of other people that she had loved and that had passed away in her life. I gave me some comfort to watch her speak to them a few days before she passed. To me loosing a mother is the most painful loss I have ever experienced.
My mom died February 7th, 2009, she was diagnosed with lung cancer December 8th, 2008. I was devastated by her death and now five years later the pain of that loss is unbearable at times. I will never be the same, I will never be totally complete without her. I wish that I could put it behind me, most days I am ok but she is always on my mind and I always feel that ache. It hasn’t become easier, not really. We were very close, she was my best friend, she helped me through so many things, my own cancer diagnosis when I was 17, my failed marriage and other things in between. I would do anything to hear her voice one last time. I miss her so much.
Dear Cindy,
I lost my mother in 2012 too. I live with the thought that my mother would not want my life to be stopped because of her death and that I should live my life and honor her in my own ways. It is a terrible loss. You have to find your own way to put it in perspective and use it for the better in life. You cannot let it put you down forever, she would not want that. You have to smile and remember her in the positive and that your mother is better off now.
Tim
Mom died June 2013. Almost a year. It is three days till Mother’s Day and I have going through another episode of tears and fears and yes what seems like unbearable emotions. That connection, the fact that we knew that whatever happened mom would always be our rock. I have never felt so alone in this world even with other people around me. I understand and I am praying for you. If you see this pray for me too. We have got to get it in our hearts and minds that they are really still with us. It’s so hard, I know. Somehow we need to find that strength that is inside of us that tells us this. Also, I do not think that either of our mother’s would want us to die inside because they are not here on this earth anymore. Look for signs that she is still with you. Read books about the afterlife and experiences people had written about where they have found a way to be eternally connected. God bless you and keep you safe and secure and much love to you.
Sandy – do you have an email address that I can contact you?
Stephanie
Thank you for saying exactly what I would have said.
Hey Cindy
I lost my mum this Friday after battling Liver cancer for 7 months it was advanced… its so sad I just don’t know Wat to do, and I don’t know how I feel I’m so depressed..im trying to be active as much as possible on her funeral arrangements so that maybe I can find closure. She will be buried this coming Friday and seeing her I know is going to break my heart
I lost my mother on 9/15/14 at 6:55pm. She had been complaining of difficulty breathing with exertion. So on the 9/2 she went for a chest x ray and the imaging showed a 5.2 x 3.6 cm lung mass. On 9/5 she had a biopsy done and on the 8th we were told that it was cancer! But while she was having the biopsy done she suffered a heart attach mild. They took her to ICU where she had a stent put in. We found out that she had COPD also. Needless to say she passed away 14 days later and now I’m left here without her and it’s very painful! Just wanted to share this with you. My father has Demensha and he keeps forgetting where his wife is and we have to keep telling him that she’s gone! They’ve been married 51 years and he is lost without her. So sad to see him in so much fear when he is told once again that she passed away. Not a day goes by that I don’t cry! The first few weeks my heart felt raw but now I just feel a constant ach and emptiness inside. She was my best friend and a wonderful women and I’ll miss her for the rest of my life. Take care of yourself and know that your not a lone. Kim
Omg your sisters sound so mean. I feel so sorry for you. I hope you have a happy life.
Era Cindy
I am so sorry for your loss and I hope good luck comes your way. God bless your mum. I to list my mum so I know how you feel. I am 12 and I lost her 23.4.14.
When I lost my mother when I was 24, it was the hardest event in my life to get over. Even after all of these years, it can often feel like it just happened. During the major milestones in my life, I needed mom. What I would like to say with a loud speaker, is that because you don’t have a mom others will pick on you. I have finally after two decades learned to not allow myself to be their whipping lady. People prey on the weak, and I was weak. I also lost my father 20 weeks after my dad’s death. My siblings and I are not close through no fault of my own. Just learn to be strong and set boundaries. Know the world will chew you up since mother is gone, if you don’t stop them. My husband and in laws would have never treated me as they did if my parents or advocates would have been there. Get an education if you don’t have one and learn to stand on your own feet if you can’t, because from my experience people prey on the weak and defenseless.
That is the saddest aspect of my mother’s passing.
Dear Martha
I am so sorry you lost your mum and I know words can’t help to ease the pain but you have to think on the positive side of this tragic event. When you lose your mum you become much braver and stronger mentally as losing a parent especially your mum is the biggest thing that will happen in your life.
I am not here to give you a lecture but to tell you that you become braver and I know that when I lost my mum I couldn’t comprehend what happened I thought it was a joke. Or a dream more like it. I am 12 and I lost my mum in 2014.
Just be bright and live life that’s what your mum would’ve wanted.
And if your like me and feel guilty saying the word ‘mum’ your not abalone I do too.
Xoxo <3 (: stay strong it is hard. ):
My dear Mom died almost a year ago at the age of 93. Her Dad died when she was just 13 years old. When ever she would talk about him her eyes would fill with tears. For two months before she died she often spoke to me about seeing her Mom. This would be a great comfort to her as she would miss and cry for her Mom. I believe the good Lord allowed my Mom to see her Mom as a comfort to her and to reinforce His promise that they would be together again.
This is a wonderful site, I am currently in an art grief therapy program provided by our local hospice and these posts are helping me put words to my loss. Thank-you
I have starred this. It’s midmorning, hot, and memories of my mother’s last few days surround me this week – even 22 years later. I remember our conversations, sweet moments, and finally, how gently she died. For that I am always grateful.
Affirmation of what I’ve always believed — “the mourning for a mother never really ends” and so many others is a gift. The loss of a mother, at 23, 34, 44, 54 – will always leave a woman vulnerable in a way she wasn’t before.
Thanks to both of you for your support and wisdom.
Love,
jody
Your story struck me, I just lost my Mom in October. She was diagnosed with stage 4 Renal Cancer at age 72 and died within 10 months- Oct 12, 2012. To many that sounds old, but my Mom looked and acted 52. She already lost 2 children, one at 18 and one a 35 (my brothers ages). She was my best friend, my strongest supporter, my everything. She was the healthiest person I knew, but whatever, I definitely have no regrets, took her to every appointment, was there every day when she was home on hospice, and watched her die. I am 40, no young person, but it was the hardest thing was to watch and Now deal with. I am not dealing well now-4 months later
Hi Barbara , I loved your post. It being so recent and is some what comparison to time and ages of my loss. I lost my mom January 7, 2013 due to long time illness from heart defect and then congestive heart failure. I am 43 and she was a young 67. It was hard seeing her deteriorate within a 6 month time span . So true what people say that your never prepared for thier death when it happens. Today was a hard day for me. I miss her so much , just her physical presence. Sometimes I feel just because I’m older or she was older I’m expected not yo grieve more than 2 weeks. I’ve had close aunts , uncles and grandparents last but my moms death has been a pure tragedy to me. I confided in a close relative today about me driving and she simply told me not to dwell on my mom’s death. I’m still stumped on that. I’m married with older children and I feel vulnerable like a child again. I’m okay and back to work but outa nowhere it hits me, she’s gone. She can’t talk to me, hold my hand, hug me, or smile and laugh with me. I suck at this grieving thing. Thank you for sharing your story and I hope you are doing well and I’m so sorry for your loss! – Maria O. Garz
Maria, I understand how you feel. I lost my mom on January 6th 2013. My father came home from work and found her dead at the foot of their bed. We are not sure if it was a massive heart attack or a blood clot and an autopsy was not preformed. I am 30 and my mom was 65 and she had just retired six months earlier. The unexpected nature of her death has really messed me up and I am filled with guilt because as a nurse I am supposed to save people and I keep thinking perhaps if I would have called or stopped by maybe she would still be here today. I am also troubled by the fact that she was alone, and the way my father found her. Its kinda funny that the first month or so went by in a blur and there was so much going on that I was able to put my feelings on the back burner and focus on just getting things done; however its only been in the last few weeks that the magnitude of my loss has really hit me. I miss everything about my mother and my world just dosent seem right without her. Some of my family are stumped about how I was able to keep myself together in the begining and get things done but now wonder why I have some days where I dont want to do a thing but cry. I understand what you mean by feeling vulnerable because in my mind I find myself yearning for the one thing I can never have again in this lifetime ” I want my mommy”. She left me too soon and I am unsure how to navagate through life without her, she truly was and still is my best friend. I am sorry for your loss, no one can understand how hard it is to loose their mom until it happens to them, may you and I both find peace as we navagate through the grieving process.
Mischante Velasquez
Hi Mishante
The feelings of grief you are have are very fresh. Your emotions are going to roller coaster over the next few months.
I lost my mum 18 months ago also very unexpectadly. My mum came from South Africa to help me following the birth of my 3rd baby and she died. We had an incredibly close relationship and I couldn’t imagine my life without her. My baby was 4 weeks old and I had to have mum cremated and carry her ashes home to my dad. Sadly my dad died in his sleep 2 weeks later.
The loss of both my parents in 2 weeks was to huge to bare. I look back and it was all a blur. I was in shock, I remember telling my mum that if she died, I would to.
It now 18 months and I can reassure you that time does make it better. But there are times that I find myself crying uncontrollably for no reason but simply missing my parents ESP my mum. These moments of crying have become fewer but still intense. There is nothing the feelings of intense grief.
I was prescribed antidepressants for a period but I fet like it numbed me. I also felt that I wanted to tell everyone about my loss. Unfortunately not many people can understand ESP if they haven’t experienced it.
I found a diary helped me and writing about my grief even on websites was healing.
Antoinette
I understand where you are coming from. I am 39 years old and am an only child. My mom passed away in June from colorectal cancer at the age of 62. Her funeral is only happening on August 10. I feel such intense pain and loss that I don’t know if I will ever be the same person I once was. She was diagnose with cancer in June, 2012 and they operated in December; they said they got all the cancer. Then she went into the hospital to remove what they thought was scar tissue and told her she was full of cancer. She lasted only three weeks. I am devastated. I really don’t know how to move forward with life. I slept by her side in the hospital for weeks and did what I could but I still don’t feel that it was enough. I feel like a little girl who needs her mommy. I still pick up the phone to call her on a regular basis. People who don’t know what they are talking about keep saying…it will get better or get on with it! They are so cold and have no idea. She was my best friend. The only thing getting me through this is my husband and my friends. My thoughts are with you.
Mischante
I am glad that I read your post. I am a nurse. My mom died from heart failure. My story is very similar to yours. My mom died 4 years ago at the age of 84. I live in Maryland, and my parents were living in Nevada. My mom was alone when she died. My dad had gone out to complete some errands, and when he returned home; he found my mom unresponsive. My mom had been sick for a while. A year prior to my mom’s death we were told by her healthcare providers that she had only a few weeks to a few months to live. Before my mom became seriously ill, she told me that she felt like she was in her 20s. She looked as if she was in her 60s. She was very active up until the time she died. She occasionally complained of being very tired, and some days she felt as if she were dying. I have always felt that I could have done more for her, and I feel very bad that I was not with her when she died. I am having a difficult time dealing with the loss of my mom – my best friend. So far I have not found peace as I navigate through the grieving process. I suffer from depression; some days are extremely difficult to navigate through. Thank you very much for your post; it helps me a lot.
Dear mischante,I lost my mum 6th jan 2013,I cared for her the last few years of her life(I am a nurse also),I really have nothing to reproach myself about but I can,t help feeling I should hav been at her bedside more,held her more,spoke to her more etc etc,I was tod that bame and guilt are very common when someone you love dies,I have come(finally) to understand that we cannot see in to the future and if we knew he date and time of our mums passing then we would ave ever left their side,but we don,t know an we ave to how he very same love and compassion to ourselves that our loving mums would show to us mischante,my heart goes out to you,grief is so painful,”grief is the price we pay for love”,we were both blessed with wonderful mothers,let’s carry that love and joy in our hearts as well as the unavoidable grief,may god bless you,your dad nd all your family. From Morag.
Hi mishante,
I just read your post and your words really hit me. I am an only child of my parents and lost my mom on October 13th, one week before my 30th birthday. She turned 66 the day she moved into palliative care. She was diagnosed on August 4th and we were lucky enough to spend everyday together before she passed. I feel you exactly on being okay for the first month but now it’s been just over six months (and Mother’s Day just passed) and I am falling apart. I had so much to do right after her death and therefore I think as, I was pretty much on my own ( my dad has psp and lives in a nursing home), that I didn’t have any time to realize the loss. Now the pain is stronger than ever. The slightest thing can be the biggest trigger and I just sink into the pain. I am married and am currently travelling with my husband. I couldn’t be at home. I think I am seriously traumatized. The shock has worn off and the trauma and pain has set in. Everyone who has not experienced our loss says time will heal. Time will pass but the loss and pain in my heart will be forever. I miss everything about my mom and just want to talk to her. I have been writing a lot as I thought it would help but nothing helps to try and figure out why we have to experience such loss and pain in our lives. I wish you all the best. You took the words right out of my mouth and I felt the need to respond to you. Just know you are not the alone with your feelings. Peace and love to you.
I have a similar story to you Mischante. Would love to talk to you sometime.
The same thing happened to me. I just lost my mother a month and a half ago. Her roommate found her on her bed, facedown, with her fists pressing into her chest. Mom has had heart problems and just had a Stent placed in November 2013. Mom didn’t like the way her prescriptions made her feel, so she quit them cold turkey. I am also a nurse, and told her it was a bad idea because you’re supposed to stay on the blood thinners (Brilinta) for up to a year after Stent placement. Well mom stopped the Brilinta and just took a baby aspirin daily. She started complaining of chest pain several times a day and used her nitro. Doctor said it was “esophageal spasms” that was causing the pain only nitro could relieve. Mom passed away unexpectedly at the age of 48 just 2 months after stopping her prescriptions. As a nurse, this absolutely devastated me. I should have seen this coming and told her to continue her meds. Unfortunately, her job let her go during her medical leave so she lost her insurance. It’s ironic…she got approved for Obama care and food stamps a week before she passed and didn’t even get the chance to use them. I feel so guilty and angry about everything. My mom was my rock. I miss her so much…
Mischante,
So much of what you wrote sounds like how I feel. My Mom (85) died on April 10th of this year. I am a champ at putting one foot in front of the other and getting through the day, but have been so numb until just the last week or so – now I am getting the anger and the sadness although I cannot seem to cry. I can cry over puppies and sad movies with no trouble at all, but not over Mom. Most days I just don’t want to get out of bed at all or just watch mindless TV, but there are always things I “must do”. Just waiting here for things to feel better.
Mischante, I’m 34 and I lost my mother last July. Our situations our almost same but my mom’s boyfriend found her laying across the bed that morning. She had been sick with lung infection but nothing fatal. I just wanted to tell you that I’m not a nurse and I carry this unimaginable amount of guilt with me every single day. I should have known, been there with her, something! Was she scared? Did she hurt? It replays day after day. Her death certificate says massive heart attack but we didn’t get an autopsy done either. So many unanswered questions. Out of a lot of these replies I read not many people mention the guilt. I was very touched by your story and that our situations were similar. I will pray for you. I have dreaded one year aniversary coming up next month. I pray god gives me the strength to get through it. Honestly if it weren’t for my son I don’t know how I’d made this far. If you ever need someone to talk too my email is dukesapril@ymail.com. I’m also on Facebook.
Hello. I am grateful to have stumbled upon this. I am hoping maybe you can help me. I too am a nurse and my mother died unexpectedly less than 6 weeks ago. My father found her. Called me.. I live very close. I started CPR never got her back pronounced at hospital … Heart failure. No heart problems. Only Rheumatoid arthritis My mother was also a nurse and only 58. I carry so much guilt The pain and sorrow seem so much worse now than initially. I am staying strong for my daddy but honestly i feel so empty. Sorry to ramble Any suggestions would be welcome. Cajun1075@yahoo.com
Hi Mischante,
Doubt anyone will see this as it’s been months and months after the original post but I’m 32 and just lost my mom a few weeks ago after a blood clot met a brain bleed. She was so young and I feel so lost. My story is so similar to those in this reply thread. If anyone wants to email me and chat, I would be happy (well, not happy, but you get it) to respond. klamanator @ gmail dot com
The things that most of everyone here is describing are the ways I’m feeling. I’m 36yrs old, married to a awesome husband of 13yrs, my mom adored my husband. My mom was 58. I have 3 children, a 18yr old son, 10yr son and a 7yr old daughter. My 18yr old son was living with my mom at the time of her death, he was the one to find her. She passed away this January 18th on 2015, only 2 days before my birthday, it was a Sunday morning in her home….11 days after a in and out surgery on her sciatica nerve. She was the earth beneath my feet, the wind in my wings, the stars in my sky, the voice of my reason, she was my female soul mate. She was truly my other half. I’ve never known, met or even seen a picture of my biological father, my mom was the only one. We did everything together, we spent every holiday together, we lived 10miles away from each other. She spent Christmas eves with us at our home, then when the kids were done opening their gifts she would go home and spend Christmas Day with her husband. She came to our home on Halloween and passed out candy while we went trick or treating with the kids, she came on thanksgiving for dinner, she came on Easter for dinner and watch her grand kids do an Easter egg hunt, she went with us to watch fireworks on 4th of July, she was here helping me clean and prepare for my children’s bday parties, she would pick up the cake n balloons for the parties on her way here. Her, myself, my husband and my 3 children went on a weeks summer vacation every year to the beach together. We spent every Mother’s Day together, we did our shopping together, one of us could not go to bath n body works or Yankee candle without telling the other or sharing and combining our buy one get one free coupons lol. She would come to my house in mornings and get my 10yr old n 7yr old on bus in the mornings if my husband or I had to work, she would also pick them up from bus stop if needed, or pick them up from school if they were sick and we were working. She came to the kids school for special events. She was the 1st person I called in the morning and the last one I called at night even though through out texting and calling we spoke daily between 10-20x a day. To say that even at 36yrs old my momma was still spoiling me rotten would be an understatement. We think she died of blood clot due to surgery BUT her husband of 17yrs would not allow an autopsy to be performed. I surprised even myself with how well I was able to keep my composure through out funeral planning and during her funeral but I wanted to make sure she had the best going away celebration of her life since it was going to be her last. It wasn’t til a few wks after her funeral that every thing started to sink in. The feelings of total loneliness and emptiness even with being surrounded by my husband and kids is crushing and makes it hard to breath. I feel just the same as one woman described, I feel vulnerable, I feel like I’m 6yrs old again, I feel like I’m lost, in the dark and I can’t find my mommy. The actual heavy aching longing feeling is disabling me from my life. It’s taken every bit of energy I have to just get out of bed and go into work. My home is a mess, laundry, dishes, clutter, have all started piling up adding to the what feels like a ton of bricks that I am trapped under. How is it that I can not find any comfort from the man I’ve always loved and considered my male soul mate my husband? I’ve become a walking living dead zombie that can’t cope or function, I cry easily over everything everyday. Life isn’t the same, I feel like I’ve stepped onto another planet, a different world, a foreign land. I feel like the ground has dropped from beneath my feet, the walls around me inch closer and closer and are closing in on me. I feel hopeless, helpless, lifeless and I’m becoming angry, bitter and wonder if I’m losing my mind. Half of me has died, how am I suppose to love life again, or even pretend to enjoy life in front of my children for their sake. I sometimes feel guilty because I think how others who have lost a child must think how childish and selfish I’m being. A close relationship between a mother and daughter is a bond and connection so deep that the only connection I can think to compare it to is just as bad as a it is to a parent to lose their child is how bad it can feel for a child to lose her mother. Although I am not a child, losing my mother sure has given me so many child like emotions. I feel the same jealousy of other mothers n daughters who still have each other, I’m jealous of their relationship. My mom was suppose to be here when my 1st grandchild was born, I was suppose to be able to care for her and take care of her when she became elderly and no longer could care for herself, I was robbed of the chance to be able to take care of her the same way she took care of me when the time came. Now that she is not here to share my joys, sorrows, worries, fears, proud moments of my children there is an empty space that is just seperating me from living, from the rest of the world. A connection to life is gone, they say there is a positive and a negative to make a spark, to make the connection, to make the battery in a car start…well I feel like I’m the battery and the positive was my mom and without it the connection is gone, there is no jump starting me, no connecting anything anymore. I believe now that it’s true how they say we are all connected by a energy of some type and that’s what gives us life force, because when my mom died so did my connection to myself, my children, my husband, my life and the rest of the world.
Each word is true , each paragraph makes perfect sense it’s like you have listened to my feelings and then pencilled them down …….
My mum was my everything too , yesterday I learnt of my dads terminal lung cancer around 5 months after my mums death on Sunday 5 th October 2014- my brother talked my dad out of an autopsy or postmortem as we call it in the uk.
Mum had found a lump in her left breast the week before she passed away she was booked in for a double mastectomy. She didn’t tell me because I had just had major surgery. Ironically she died of pneumonia 10 days after I had major surgery.
My brother and sisters were horrible to me I was 39 they were all 50yrs upto 65 yrs.
I felt like a child just wanting someone to cling to
Hi
It is really hard for me.
My mom passed January 24,2013.
She went into the hospital on December 17′ 2012 and never came home again.
I miss her, and I cry many times during the day.
We lived together for 60 years. She was my best friend and I will forever miss her.
Hugs,
Margie
Margie,
My mother also died on 24 January 2013, I lived with her for 8 years and cared for her after being diagnosed with cancer in 2012, after surgery she improved out of sight and noone could believe how well she looked, she was 89. She died suddenly of other causes almost a year later a few months short of her 90th birthday. It was hard seeing her healthy one day and lying dead in a hospital bed the next but I am very proud of the fact that she died peacefully and lived in her own home, I never wanted to see her in a nursing home. She was my only parent as my Dad died when I was 4. I am recoving from a recent operation and everything has just hit me all of a sudden and I am not coping well, a have many friends and support but it just does not seem enough as the grief some days is overwhelming. I know in time I will feel better and get on with my life but seem uncapable of making any decisions at this stage…
I just lost my mother May 6, 2013. She was 83. I am 59. Her health had been deteriorating for the last few years, and here had been several close calls, so in a way it was expected. This past year I made sure that we laid to rest any issues that had caused tension between us, and we discussed her upcoming death and how much I owed to her, loved her, and would miss her. I thought I would be able to accept her death better than how I’m doing now. I didn’t realize tht she was my best friend, and how much she comes to my mind during the day doing almost anything. I can’t e-mail or phone her to talk to her anymore, check on how she is, or ask her opinion on anything.
There is no bringing her back, and I wasn’t “done” with her. I wasn’t “ready” for her to leave me. Am I suffering from self-pity? I am angry that people we love need to leave our lives. 10 years ago I lost a younger sister unexpectedly, and the grief for her was immense. Initially my mom’s death felt so different from that, that I thought I was going to be “ok” handling her death. My mom went peacefully in her sleep, probably right after using her nebulizer and having a cup of coffee. She was in her bed, covered, slightly on her side. I got to go see her that evening. I was able to lie next to her, to hold her, to cry and to talk to her. I took pictures. I could not have asked for a better way for her to go.
I was encouraged this past Friday because I felt on top of the world again, and knew that I’d pull thru this. Saturday I went to my mom’s house, wrote thank-you notes with my 2 sisters, cried, sorted thru a few of Mom’s belongings, and since then I’ve been “down” and angry again, and crying intermittently.
I don’t know what to do with these feelings that I don’t like. I’m glad this blog mentioned continuing the emotional relationship. Is it appropriate to e-mail her, knowing full-well that she’ll never respond and isn’t even reading them? How do people continue their emotionl relationships with their moms?
I recently lost my mother, on April 30, 2013. She went into the hospital on March 12, 2013 and never got discharged. As a clinician for the past 30+ years, I am angered at the substandard care my mother rec’d, ironically it was me who brought her to where I work and the MD’s that are my colleagues misdiagnosed her ailments to the point she could not fight the battle anymore. I was extremely close to my mother and very involved in maintaining her stable health for years. Unfortunately, in 2010 when an MD gave her a RECLAST infusion, my mother’s health declined rapidly due to the destruction attributed to internal organs. Not a day goes by that I am not hysterical crying and blaming myself for bringing her to the Medical Center where I work. Her last words to me will haunt me for the remainder of my life. She said “you did this to me.” I hope she didn’t mean that because it’s slowly killing me each day . I have been staying at her home, crying myself to sleep. I now have no parents left and it’s so painful, it makes me question why we exist at all. To all that are going through similar pain we must be strong and forge ahead, and relive the great times if only in our minds. I am so grateful I had a great and beautiful mother. I just can’t come to grips that she is dead due to poor care in the hospital that I work in everyday. I miss both of my parents terribly, but the bond that grew in recent years was so wonderful I have a huge void in my heart.
Be well, cb
Margie I too just lost my Mom, funeral was yesterday, I too had her in my daily life for 60 years. God bless you with strength.
madeleine
Your story really affected me. My mom just died (4 days ago) and I feel so lost and deeply haunted by having watched her die. She too was in Hospice house but only the last 2 days of her life. My mother had congestive heart failure and had been living with me for last 5 years. Her condition started getting worse within the last year and she longer could get up from bed. I was with her on her last night at Hospice and along with my sisters watched her as she took her last breath that next morning. I’ll never forget how helpless I felt. I ran out of the room to get a nurse and as my mother wasn’t breathing and I thought they could do something. Thank you for reading my story.
My Mother passed away yesterday at the age of 107 1/2 yrs. In January she would have lived 108 yrs. No matter how long our Mothers live, they are missed…there is no other person that can fill our hearts in the way they do. And we carry their momory forever.
Maria,
I lost my mother on march 12, 2013 at the age of 73 due to a cardiac event caused by a car accident that wasnt her fault. Her heart stoped and she never regained consciousness, the dr’s told me she would never wake up again- (it had been 5 days and every day she was getting a higher fever, filling with fluid, and dr could not tell me for sure if she was in pain)so I had to have the life support removed, I have no siblings and even at age 40 with only my wonderful husband by my side, we stayed with her as she took her last breath. It was horrifying and even though its been 5 months, it feels like only last week. She was on her way over to my house at the time of the accident- and I had just spoken with her just 1/2 hour before the accident. If I had only kept her on the phone, one minute longer, 30 seconds even, she wouldn’t have been at that spot at that exact moment. But I know there are no do overs in life and she wouldn’t want me for one minute to be torturing myself like this, so I take it one day at a time. I still have many days when I just have to have a good cry and let it out. I have read all the previous texts from people in here, and although I am not especially religious person, I will be having each and everyone of the people in my prayers for some peace to help us each accept our loss of our moms- it is a loss like no other and only when one has experienced it can they truely understand just how heartbreaking it is. My dad is still alive but my parents divorced and he remarried 20 yrs ago and decided his new wife was all the family he needed, he didn’t even so much as send a card, flowers, or make a phone call out of respect. I am blessed however to have such a wonderful husband and I still “talk” with my mom on a daily basis, I can still feel her presence around me, I don’t believe our moms ever actually ‘leave’ us if we listen to our heart, we can still find our moms there.
For Marlene and everyone that had a recent loss of their mom, if you are lucky enough to have a voicemail recording from your mom, please consider recording it on to something other then just your phone’s voicemail bc they get erased after a few months, I was lucky that a friend shared that info with me and quickly recorded any messages I had from my mom on to more permanent places. I find it if great comfort to be able to still hear her voice, saying my name from time to time and hope this info can be helpful to others as it was to me. Take care ❤
Maria I dont even know were to begin telling you on how much of what u are feeling is exactly what I am feeling!! I lost my mom in Aug.2012. I also have children and I feel vulnerable like a child again ( im 42)
“outa nowhere it hits me, she’s gone. She can’t talk to me, hold my hand, hug me, or smile and laugh with me. ”
This is the hardest to deal with. I suck at this grieving thing too!
i WONT EVER BE THE SAME…..I MISS YOU SO MUCH MOM
Thank-you so much Elizabeth for such a thoughtful message. It’s been a week today and I can honestly say I miss her more today than ever. Thanks again and I wish all the best to you.
I recently lost my mother on August 12, 2013. She had been living with me on and off for the last 6 years. She had went home to her house for the weekend, which she didn’t get to due often because of her health. My sibling and I called many times a day to check on her while she was there. The morning I was to pick her up she did not answer the phone. I sent someone over to check on her and found out my mother had passed away. I feel so guilty for not being there. I never wanted her to have to die alone. I moved within 30 minutes of her so we could spend her retired years doing all the things she wanted to do. She was my best friend we did everything together. I had barely moved in when my mom had a devastating car accident. We didn’t expect her to survive, but she came back to us. I think she knew how much we needed her. I am a nurse and quit working to take care of her after the accident. She developed many other health issues and I resided to the fact that I would not be able to return to work so I could take care of her. She was diagnosed with lung cancer 8 months prior to her death. She endured all the chemo and radiation treatment with bouts in the hospital at times. She never complained. We went to every appointment together. She was always smiling and trying to make others fighting for their lives smile and laugh up till the very end. She was remarkable. She was my world and I have not been able to adjust with life without her. As I am writing this tears are streaming down my face. If only i had picked her up a day earlier. I am lost. Nothing seems to matter anymore. This is one time I am glad my 2 grown children and 4 grandchildren don’t live closer because at least I can appear together for their short visits. The reality of not having my mom is killing me. I literally feel like I am dying of a broken heart. I miss her so bad. I can’t function my life is crumbling my marriage is crumbling, I feel so alone. The only person who loved me unconditionally is gone.
I lost my mother nearly 9 months ago to kidney cancer. I was with her for 2 weeks until she passed away and I was screaming “I killed her I killed her” when she died. I dont know why I said that…..I will be just going thru my day and suddenly a wave of sadness washes over me- my mother is gone…..People seem to think that I should “be over it by now” but to me it is still as painful as it was on January 15, 2014 at 9:30p.m. when she closed her eyes for the last time. I am 69 years old, with wonderful children, grandchildren and a good husband, so why do I have this core of sorrow and why isn’t my immediate family enough to make me heal? I dread the holidays….I feel little and lost, like an orphan. Inside me is a scared sad little kid saying “my mommy is gone. Please bring her back”. Mommy…?
I’m 33 years old. I just lost my mom 8 days ago. She also had heart problems. She had become very ill the past few months. At her last Dr. appointment they scheduled her an appointment with a heart doctor a month a month later. She passed away 2 days before the dr. Appointment. She was alone and I think she may have known something bad was wrong by some of our conversations. I replay it over and over in my head. How could I have not known? I feel like I should have been there done something. My heart is broken, I miss her and I’m filled with so much guilt. I only have one younger brother so arrangements and everything fell on me. I honestly don’t know how I will get through this.
April, I too lost my mom in May 2013.. I too had to watch her die and take care of arrangements for her memorial services.. I took care of my mom, she had Lupus.. There’s not a day that passes by that I don’t cry or miss her.. I know the burden that you carried… just know that God knows and He will bless you.. id like to become your friend because it hard dealing and the best way to cope is having someone there listening to you and know exactly what. you are going through…. Peacefully ,
Amy. email me: simsamy80@gmail.com
Wow must be something with the month of Jan in 2013. My mom died January 5, 2013 at 12:43 pm at age 70. I turned 40 on January 19th and would have rather just died than even spend a second happy it was my birthday. It has been almost 11 months for me and I’m still beside myself. I’ve gone past her bday, mothers day, her wedding anniversary, and now coming up on Thanksgiving and Christmas. Not sure how I’m going to get through both of them without my family wanting to run from me. I’ve always had the mind set of we live and we die its apart of life. I belive my medical background and my husbands Law Enforcement career makes me think this way. Up until the moment my mom took her last breath I still felt that way. Until she took her last breath. I was standing outside of her room at the time and I felt like the wind had been sucked right out of my body. At that very time after I said something about it my husband came out of the room to let me know she had just passed. I was so beside myself that last 15 minutes of her life I couldn’t even be in her room with her. I came completely unglued in a way I never believed was possible for me. I’m not the same person I was before her death and I can’t seem to get out of this god awful slump I have fallen into. I took care of my mom for 9 years in my home and 5 years in her own home before she finally moved into my house. NOTHING in my life is normal anymore. I can’t stand even going home some days. I go in her room and it doesn’t even smell like her anymore. I sit on her bed and hope to hear her voice in my mind but I can’t even remember what her voice sounded like anymore. It never comes and I never feel her presence there. This makes me the most sad. I thought for sure I would feel her there after she died. Makes me wonder what is really happening to us when we do pass away. I hope the holidays for you are not going to be as bad as they are for me. Either way remember you are not alone in your feelings. I to am in my 40’s and grieve my moms death as if I was a young child. You have to remember we had our mothers in our life our ENTIRE life. Its a big part of you suddenly gone.
Yes, i agree something about the month of January, I also lost my Beautiful Mom on January 25th. 2013. I sometimes think Mom held on so we can spend the Holidays with her.
I too just lost my beautiful vibrant 72 year old mother to cancer. I feel a bit ashamed for greiving so long because she was not ” young” by society’s standards; however, she was the light of our family’s life! The party planner, mediator, the glue that held our family together… And now she’s gone and I cant believe it! My world is quiet. Nothing is quite as fun, happy or meaningful! And I have a wonderful family with 2 active young boys… But just cant get my smile back:(
I just lost my mom last week. Don’t know where to go with the pain. I took her to every appointment and visited her everyday in hospice. I called her eveyday for th last 20 years but I still feel guilty that I did not do enough. within the last year, she got pulmonary fibrosis with many hosptial visits. I would get crabby and tired and then worried. If I could just sit with her one more time to tell her how much she meant to me- in words and not just acitons
Jill, you and I are in the same situation. I lost my mom, my best friend in the whole world, on March 10, 2013. One thing that I want to tell you is that your mom knows your love. She could feel your love in your actions. She didn’t need to hear the words that you think you did not say. And, if you want to say the words now, you should. I talk to my mom every single day. This may sound really crazy — but her birthday is next week and I bought her a present. Nothing huge. Just a lip gloss that I know she would love. I am going to wrap it, open it, and tell her how grateful I am that she was born. That she is my mom. Your mom will always be your mom. Not even death can take that away from you.
Dear Jill
I too lost my darling Mum to pulmonary fibrosis in June 2012. Although we knew it was inevitable, it still shocked us when it happened. Her courage and lack of complaining had falsely led us to believe that she was better than she was and we had longer with her than we had. I am really struggling with her loss. I miss her love the most. I feel like at ship at sea without an anchor. My grown-up children think I should be over it and are not very sympathetic. I find myself suppressing my grief which I know is unhealthy. The reality of the finality is brutal. My Mum still shed tears when she spoke of her own Mum who died 45 years ago, so I don’t hold out much hope for myself! It is conforting to know that there are others out there who are experiencing my feelings of loss and desolation.
My Mom died February 1′ 2013′ she was my best friend, confident and my world. I took care of her since she fell at my house in December, 2010, she almost died at that time but thank god I had her another two years with her. I will never forget the phone call that I received at 4:03 in the morning of February 1, 2013, “Patti, your mother died at 3:45 am. I had just seen her the day before. She held me in her arms and said “your my baby, your my baby, I love you do much, I responded with and you are my Mommy and I love you too. Those were the last words that we spoke to each other . I still can’t believe that she’s gone. I lost my brother on January 22, 2008 and my Daddy died from a broken heart just 16 days later. I couldn’t believe that a god would take my Dad just when we needed him most. My heart and soul have been ripped from me. I have been so angry with God, why? Why God why?
You have taken the heart and soul of our family, I hope and pray to get through this . I miss you all.
Patti Zahn
Patti, I’m so sorry for your losses. My Mom passed August 20, 2013 at 12:35–here with me in my home. It’s VERY hard! I too have wondered WHY GOD?! WHY?, Recently, someone REASSURED me this: GOD did not “take her”, HE received her HOME…
Sometimes, this helps; other times, not so much.
Simply, I MISS YOU MOM!!!!!!!
And, an acquaintance (medical) told me:”Remember when we lose someone and it hurts, that means they were truly a blessing for us while they were with us, and touched our lives.” THIS is TRUE. It helps.
Clary take heart my dear small sister you are not a lone, I lost mine 27th of May 2013, it feels like today morning, I feel empty and very sad, I feel bitter and angry as we were so close. We are a family of 5 boys 2 girls, my sister died in 2005. It just happened like a small joke one early cold Monday morning and life has never been the same again. I understand what you feel but God loves you. If it will help, know that it is the body that dies but your mother is still alive in spirit. A big part of her is in your heart, and every part of the body and she is never far from you. Do not commit suicide, she is in you, your very image and likeness is your mother. Cherish the moments you shared with her and know you are not alone we are are many. Struggle to be a survivor in this and do not give up no matter what, this is what will make your mother proud of you. Live one day at a time, close yourself inside a room and cry yourself out, it makes you feel better and try to find something to focus on. You will be surprised when you finish one year, 5 years, 10 years and you will be strong, believe me. Get a hug of love from me dear sister.
She felt the love that you gave her. I know I question myself, did. I say I love you enough, did I tell how much she meant to me, did I make her final days more bearable. I know how lost she was without her beloved first born child, her only son and then to lose her soulmate of 65 years, my wonderful Dad, I’m so so sad. Good thoughts to you in your journey, my prayers are with you.
Patti Zahn
Oh my gosh Jill….I’m so relating to you right now…My mom passed away on Sept. 3 2013 …I miss her so darn much…..she was diagnosed with sudden onset pulmonary fibrosis in August. We watched her try to breath while needing more and more oxygen each day…My sisters and I sat with mom all of Labor Day weekend trying to comfort her and do whatever it took to make her last moments easier…and I too, wish I could just sit with her one more time, hug her once more, tell her that I Love her once more and kiss her once more…I think losing my mom is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to deal with…I’m lost without her.
My mom died at 75. She lived with ovarian cancer just over three years. I also watched my mom take her last breath. I can’t get it out of my head, although at the time I was so glad she was finally free. I’m not sure how to get over this. My mom was also my best friend.
What a wonderful gift you shared with your mom…My mom and I shared a similar relationship and journey. Your mom welcomed you into this life and you were the one who so graciously assisted her to finish her journey in this life and begin anew. Without life there would be no death and without death there would be no life…Your mother will live on in your heart and thoughts…she is the gentle breeze, the warm summer sun…she will be with you always…
I lost my mom on October 13, 2013. And I cry every day.
My my was 86 when she passedd away. 86 but she was so cool.
She did not have dementia and just loved to talk. ThIs past year she was starting to show signs of her illness. She had heart disease. But I wouldn’t or couldn’t believe that she was “that” sick. She never complained. Whenever I asked her, “how are you doing today, Mom” she would say, “I’m GOOD! I’m GOOD”.
I took care of her. Brought her to her doctors’ appointments, gave her medications, cooked for her, shopped for her, I would bath her, I would do her hair; anything she needed to feel good! I just loved talking to her. We had our own little secrets. She was my FRIEND. I miss my FRIEND.
I am not young, I am 63 years old. But, I feel like a little girl who lost her mommy.
I don’t know what else to say. It does hurt so bad. And I still find myself crying many times througout the day and night! Maybe because Sunday is Mother’s Day and everything on TV is geared toward honoring MOMS. Maybe..
I find myself talking to her hoping she could hear me! I know that sounds nutty but I don’t care…
Well what more can I say? I love you, Ma!
I lost my father when I was 19 in 2000. Although I grieved his loss and was sad, I was able to overcome his passing mostly in part due to my mom’s faith, strength and courage. However, when I lost my mom 5 1/2 years ago after her battle with cancer, it devastated me and a part of me died with her. I’m now 31 years old and still can’t get over her death. I miss her so much. I was 26 years old when she died and just started my real adult life. I got married shortly after her passing and had my first baby last summer and although these occasions were/are the greatest moments of my life, I can’t help feeling unbelievable sadness knowing my mom isn’t here to see her grandson, meet her son-in-law, give me advise and have our relationship grow deeper. I am grateful that we had a very close relationship when she was alive, but I can’t help wondering how wonderful it would have been now that I too am a wife and mother to have her by my side and share our experiences. She was my rock, my confidant, my best friend.
Hi nette my mum passed away23/11/2015, cancer. I have lived with mum all my life, i am 40, she was the most beautiful person inside and out, helped everyone. My brothers and sister and I stayed with her at hospital day and night, watched her take her last breath, she was my life, my world, my air . my mum was very fit. Ran around to shops everywhere, until cancer came and raised it’s ugly head. I left work after 18yrs to become my mum’s carer, like you I washed her. Dressed her,held her hand when out shopping. Fed her. Everything and I loved it. She was my gorgeous mum,my soul mate, my best friend, I could talk to her about anything. Now she’s gone and am absolutely heartbroken, it seems like someone has taken a hammer and smashed my heart and soul to pieces, I stay in all times and just want it to rain all the time
Hi Nette thank you for your post and sorry for your loss it is very hard.I lost my beautiful Mum 24th May 2014 nearly 2 years ago .It is so hard i am 51 and she was my best friend did everiything with her I was her main carer and she trusted me totally.I rejoiced in making her happy,making her laugh .I miss her so much the pain and empty feelings are my constant companions. I have been blessed with good friends but they just dont get it as they still have their mothers and I feel they want me to be over it by now. I have naturally withdrawn from them as I feel I cant be myself.It is interesting the feelings are different from depression they are feelings of deep sadness and a deep void in my heart that come and go. I am happy for my Mum that she is with our Heavenly Father but I miss her so much just one more touch just one more look but I know it would never be enough.I struggle with accepting that it has happened I dont want to accept it !I feel like a 4 year old throwng a tantrum not wanting to accept it. Life goes on but it kind of lost its colour Tina
dear barbara, my mom passed away a year and half ago im still not doing great. sitting here crying and missing her so bad it pyhsicaly hurts. have to stop crying now though, as my beautiful 3 yr. old wants mommy to color now, thank goodness.
I tend to relate with your post. I just lost my mother less than five months ago suddenly and unexpectedly. She was only 67 and with my father for fifty years. My mother and I had a beautiful, close relationship. I’ve been going through the motions of everyday life but I recently have become overwhelmed with grief and feel actual “heartbreak” when I think of my mother. I miss her terribly. I feel I’ll never get over her passing. I want to take comfort in my belief that she wants me to live a fruitful life and that we will be together again. Thank you all for sharing. I don’t feel as alone.
I really admire your story and it sounds so similar to mine. I was the same way with my mom. She passed from congestive heart failure when she got a blood clot in her heart pump that we couldn’t get to pass before we got a heart for transplant. I was there every step of the way and while it was extremely hard for me I have no regrets. I struggle with the fact that she was only 61 and will never get to meet my children (if I have any). I know it seems to get easier with time but a year and a half later I still pick up the phone to call her. She crosses my mind every second of everyday. I’ve grown to realize I miss her the way that I do because of how close we were. That’s what I try to remind myself of every time it gets hard.
Barbara, you’re not alone. My mother was a strong, vital, laughing woman last July. Then she started falling down. She was diagnosed with brain cancer. I quit my job to help take care of her, took her to treatments and doctors, fed her, combed her hair and put her favorite lotion on during joint therapy. We lost her Jan. 15, 2013… and my father to grief on May 20. I held both their hands. And I can’t stop crying. My mom was 77 and my father 76.
Hi Barbara,
That doesn’t sound old to me. I am 47. My mom passed away on Feb 15, 2013 at age 69, after an 18 month battle with ovarian cancer. She, too, was beautiful and young looking and she kept up with the times; she was healthy and strong and we were all shocked when she was diagnosed with it in Aug 2011. Anyway, I moved her in with me (and my husband, and my oldest son, daughter in law and granddaughter (her great grand) the moment we got the diagnosis in Aug 2011; we made the decision to all live together due to the uncertainty of her condition and because we all loved her so much and wanted to be near her. I took her to every appointment and she fought so hard to beat it. For a while it looked like she would, but in Dec 2012/Jan 2013 she took a turn for the worse. We were told that it had metastasized to her brain, and she didn’t have much time left. We opted for hospice at home, as this was her wish. I (with the help of my oldest son who is an RN) took care of her until she died. When she did pass, my son, my step brother (she was his mom, too) and I were all there with her. My heart felt like it would crack right in half as I watched her dying. She was my best friend and I don’t think Ill ever stop missing her; she was the rock of my life and I so want to hear her voice or touch her again. Every day since has been a challenge and the grief and sadness hit unexpectedly and so overwhelmingly at times. Anyway, thank you for sharing and I am so sorry for your loss.
You are the first person’s e-mail that I read that said your mom was everything to you.
That is my mom to me. She passed in March. She was, alwasy will be my world. She did everything for me and was everything to me. I love her and miss her to the depths of my soul.
Hi my mum passed away recently,cancer, she was my life, my soul mate,my rock, everything . We did everything together . clothe shopping,the lot,then to watch her deteriorate over7wks, and lose her, it’s THE hardest thing you’ll EVER see.i cry24/7, crying wanting her back. Every memory keeps coming back of how we were before and now nothing .its so quiet, empty.
Barbara, It’s one of the toughest things I have had to live through. And, Mom’s passing is NOT the first in my life.
She just passed August 20, 2013 12:35pm. She’d been diagnosed: stage 3 breast cancer, September 2006. Surgery, removal of lymph nodes, frequent chemo. She has ALWAYS been a fighter! for the good! The cancer spread to her liver–2009. More frequent chemo. She was SO ALIVE! Going with her lady friends to lunch or supper/volunteering for many things…she was AMAZING.
This past January, she had to have a blood clot removed and drained from her right brain–following a fall. Intense P.T. for weeks–don’t know how she did it. Regained her strength and her left extremities! Then, in February (after missing ONE chemo), oncologist said the cancer had worsened = different chemo drugs. The liver cancer caused ascites (build up of abdominal fluid that, normally, the liver removes from the body). Appetite went way down, “I’m too full to eat or drink any more!” Started loosing a lot of muscle, fat; yet her abdomen was large, from the distention. Made her miserable. She was skin and bones.
In and out of hospital couple times. Followed by weeks of P.T. again–did very well with ALL the physical therapy she had to endure. What a TROOPER!
She also had paracentesis (abdominal tap) and there was first: 3.6 litres removed; then, 4.8 litres removed. It always came back, and we were told that it would.
Her last visit with her oncologist: he recommended no further chemo, go with hospice. (He always said my Mom looked like his Aunt; so, she was sort of close to him, in that regard.) Mom chose this–much to my dismay. She’s been living with me in my home, since her first P.T. weeks in Jan. No, my Son is grown, married with a Son; my Husband died suddenly, many years ago. And, I am the only daughter. So, it was only right and natural that Mom live with me. (NEVER wanted her to be in a nursing home. Didn’t want her to, slip away when alone–I KNEW there would be TOO much alone time in a home; there was too much alone time when she had P.T.!) She would occasionally stay with one Brother and his family for a few days–respite for me.
Made me so very sad when hospice came into our home to be Mom’s caregivers. Mom knew what would go on; as my Dad was in hospice also.
Personally, I do NOT agree with hospice…do NOT believe people need to be drugged out of their consciousness. PERIOD. At this point, I HATE what they did to her. And, I don’t see the possibility of that changing.
Mom was such a sweet Lady, beautiful–had the greatest smile in the world! And people knew her for her smiling face. Such a kind SPIRIT! And, the WORLD’S GREATEST COOK! HANDS DOWN!
Watching her pass was very difficult. She hadn’t eaten for days. Drank very little. O2 was at 4. My Brother and I were here with her when she passed…
tears never stop.
I easily relate to your situation. I’m very sorry for your loss of your Mother, as well. And, I am not dealing at all. May ‘the LORD bless and keep you, make HIS FACE shine upon you, and give you PEACE’ ; and help you and your family.
I am very sorry for your loss Barbara. Reading your post reminds me so much of my own situation. Like you, I was 41 when I lost my Mom on 9/14/12. It will be a year next week and I still am very much broken inside. My Mother battled kidney disease for over 25 years and finally suffered from renal failure. I also brought her home on hospice but there was a part of me didn’t want to believe that was the end. My Mother had always been a fighter. She was a great Mom to all of us and a great grandmother. When she was well enough between her treatments and episodes she helped raised ALL 8 grandchildren (between my two sisters and myself) cooked, cleaned and did many other things. She was also overly protected of me because I am a middle child and a divorcee. I’ve always had a strong bond with Her and of course being closer to Her I sure caused Her a lot of heartache and anguish. I am not sure how, when or how I would ever overcome this tremendous loss and grieve but everyday is a challenge since she’d been gone! I would give anything for just one more chance…another chance to say the things that should have said, the things I didn’t do and take back everything that I ever did wrong and to tell Her how much I love Her, always have been and always will be.
I lost my precious mother to breast cancer and renal failure 8 months today. We were one and I feel like half of me is missing. She was my best friend, confidante. I was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2005. I was always with her. She became very ill in 2011 and had to be placed in Aged Care. The last 6 months of her life were horrendous. They are embedded in my mind. I miss our phone calls, the laughter, oh the laughter. I see her face. I think of her constantly. I don’t know how to live without her. It’s all too hard. I miss her more and more with each and every passing day. I’ve had to endure her birthday, mother’s day and my birthday. I used to laugh and smile all the time. Mum was so proud of me. Sometimes I feel as though I am losing my mind. My father died 18 years ago and I feel like an orphan. I miss you so much mum. I miss us. God Bless all of you who have lost the most pivotal person in your lives. Nobody loves us like our mothers. I knew losing her would be hard, but this is dragging me to my knees. jude
God bless you, Jude. I know how you feel. I will keep you in my prayers.
Judith,
My Mother died on September 9th, 2013. She suffered for years with scleroderma, a horrible death. She died in my arms scared and fighting to breathe and in pain. I saw her death in my head everyday over and over for months. She moved in with me, my husband and son. She added her own place on to our home and it was a hard adjustment at first, me fighting for my independance wanting to be top dog, I think? It soon was a wonderful thing. My Mother was a tough women and worked so hard her whole life. She was a lover of animals, plants & people. She could do ANYTHING… and she did. She so wanted to have her place and start cooking, gardening, etc. but got ill soon after her addition was built. She survived the loss of my brother when he was 22… she was broken but was a wonderful mother to my sister & I. She died 32 years after my brothers death … I was 5o, now 51 when my mother died. I am still amazed at the grief I feel. I feel alone, forever changed. I could write for days about the wonderful person my mother was. I have such regret in the fact I don’t think I told her how wonderful she was enough. I want one more day with her….just one more 🙁
Dear vee
I am twelveaand lost my mum last year. That night I slept with my mum because I was scared of the thunderstorms. So that morning I got up and mum was still sleeping so I tip toed out and went to my room I played my DS for a while and then someone knocked on the door. I answered it and it was one of mums friends wondering where mum was I told him she was sleeping still so we went in her room (I went first ) and all I remember was seeing her half on the bed and half off it. Blue. That really effected me badly. Mums friend yelled out go get the neighbor s to ring 000 so I did. I went to the next door neighbor and the gates were locked so I went across the road to my other neighbors they were awake so they rung 000. 2 ambulances came in about 10 minutes and went inside to treat mum. I was over at my neighbors crying my eyes out because I Knew she wasn’t coming home. A while later we went over to the house and walked into my room where one of the paramedics said that mum may not be coming home. A while later I went to my friend’s house for some comfort I was there for about 20 minutes then mums friend came in and said that mum died. I felt like it wasn’t fair. ( if my spelling is incorrect it is because I am crying sorry) after that happened my life changed dramatically. I only just started living with my mum again before that I was living somewhere else. My mum died of a huge cardiac arrest and also hepititus c and alxhoholism.
I also wish that I could spend one more day with my mum but he reality is that even if you do it won’t change anything she’ll still be taken away from you the next day. I am sorry if I have hurt your feelings in any way. Stay strong 🙂
I sat with my Mom as she took her last breath. It is something difficult to remember but also something I would not change for all the pain it brings. When my Grandmother died, my Mom was by her side. I promised my Mom I would be with her till the end. I kept that promise, but sometimes those last moments play over in my mind. It hurts so much not being able to sit with her, talk with her, watch tv with her, hear her voice, feel her hugs, etc.
My Mom was my greatest supporter. She was the first person I shared any news with for over 41 years. I love and miss her everyday. I do feel empty at times, but I try to focus on my son. I always remember that I will see her again one day. She promised to be waiting for me on the other side. 🙂
In Oct 2012 as you lost your mom, mine was read her death sentence when an MRI revealed a large malignant tumour – a Grade 4 Glioblastoma – in her brain. She was 67 when she was diagnosed but like your mom looked a very young and attractive 50. She too lived a gut wrenchingly awful 10months, which for this tumour is quite long. Being a self employed surgical specialist I thankfully had the luxury of stopping work for 3 months and then working erratically thereafter to devote myself to taking care of her. We did everything … Surgery… Radiation … Chemo that the medical insurance wouldnt pay for…No matter how hard I tried, nothing I could do would save her … give her back her life – a life stolen from her … And from me. In the end she suffered a pulmonary embolism and battled for her life for 5 horrible weeks in ICU – An ICU I still have to walk past everyday and work in. She so wanted to live … for me. She didn’t want to have to leave me alone… I think she worried a lot about that… Mostly because she also left behind my severely autistic adult brother whom I now take care care of. She was my greatest and most loyal supporter, my best friend. We spoke nearly everyday and saw each other every week … We helped each other through absolutel everything. She would drop everything for me whether I needed her to do so or not… The most incredibly wise, brilliant, self-sufficient, strong woman I have ever known but also the most self-sacrificing mother and generous human being too. It’s now 3months since she passed… And the worst of the grief has sunk in only now. I feel crippled by how much I need her… How much I have actually lost and need back so desperately. I too am 40 … Not young as you say… An accomplished independent professional… But all I want is my mommy back.
I had the same experience as you, but i believe that God will be there for our moms to be safe and comfort in his arms not to feel any pain n this so-called earthly life. I will never be a complete person again, but i do have faith that God will have his reasons for allowing things to happen. We may never understand His Wisdom, but we have to trust His will.
Not everyone believes in God or used religion to get through hard times so I think since we agnostics/atheists are the minority it is important to show that religion is not a “must” in coping. It is sometimes a wonderful source if comfort to those who believe, but it is certainly possible to be a realistic and strong person without it. We each find our own way. Best wishes.
Hi my mum was EVERYTHING you have described about your mum, she was also a fighter when it came to brain cancer, she was given24/48hr twice in18months, but survived, but eventually it took over . can’t believe she has gone.my soul mate, best friend, my life.
Hi
I came across this site and your comments whilst searching Google for advice. My mum died on 22 March 2015. I knew something was wrong, but lived away and was about to go home to be closer to her but I was too late. I found her in an awful state, she was rushed into hospital with sepsis and died 5 and a half weeks later. I wasn’t ready. I loved her so much. I’m devastated. I’ve taken myself away to grieve because I don’t want to bottle things up but it hurts. It comes over me in waves and I miss her. I miss her so much it hurts. I’ve never known pain like it. Unless you’ve experienced it you just don’t know how it feels. I’m so grateful to have found you all and thank you for sharing your stories, it’s made me feel a little more normal and less alone. Thank you.
Hi my beautiful mum passed away on23/11/2015, 4wks ago, I was her carer, 24/7,for2yrs up til she passed away. she was diagnosed with brain cancer, I gave up my job to be carer, i absolutely loved looking after her. We lived together, did EVERYTHING together .with the cancer she started to have difficulty walking, so i held her hand and we went to shops together, she was my best friend, love of my life, the last seven weeks she was in hospital, at first doctors gave my mum24/48hrs, but we told them she’s a fighter, so seven weeks she fought but then the cancer, took over.my mum was the bravest ever and beautiful inside and out, she would help anyone. When she passed away peacefully I did not leave her side, I was told to but stayed right up to walking upto mortuary, I love and miss her so much. Everywhere i look in house I see her and can hear all little conversations we had about everything from buying furniture to mother daughter talk . I’m dying inside. Everyone around our town and beyond say you two were inseparable,
My mother passed away 2 years ago. It’s been difficult — she moved in with me when she was diagnosed with cancer so I could care for her. It strained a relationship that wasn’t quite ideal. I felt (and still do), as though I failed the task of taking care of her because she died, I felt (and still do), that we never quite got our relationship worked out as adults. My strange relationship with my mother has affected my relationship with other women. So many things to ponder and try not to take the blame on.
Thank you, as always, for your words and your friendship.
I relate to this. Thank you for posting. How are you now?
What a wondrful post! I appreciate the time and thought that both of you give to sharing such meaningful insights.
Just another excellent article you have written here! I lost my mom to pancreatic cancer a few years ago. I will always miss her. Sometimes we fail to realize how important mothers are until they are gone. Mine was superb!
Today is five months since my husband, James, died and I’m finding the grieving process to be difficult and fraught with mixed emotions on any given day. Other than the overwhelming absence of James, I grieve most for the life we had built and the future together for which we planned.
My mother has battled depression her entire life, and we role reversed when I was 12, and my father died. I became the mother, and she became the daughter, roles we still play to this day. While she has always been incredibly difficult and distant, and her dementia only serves to underscore this, I know I will miss her when she dies. While we’ve never had a good mother/daughter relationship, I know I will miss her when she dies. She is the only family I have.
XOXOXO,
Brenda
I lost my Mother over a year ago to brain cancer. She had been sick for about 13 months before that with a varity of illnesses. When I was told she had a few weeks to a few months to live, I took a leave of absence from my career to care and be with her. Now over a year later I am still feeling the pain of her passing.
Your blog is very helpful to know that I am not alone and that my feelings are “ok”. She was not only my Mom but my best friend and since her passing I have dealt with severe depression and anxiety. I write to her almost daily and carry her heart in my heart. There is a quote by Whoopie Goldberg who said “no one is ever going to love me like she did” and I find that to be so true.
Thank you for your thoughtful insights into grief.
This is such a wonderful post. I agree whole heartedly, the grieving never ends. I also agree that the relationship does not end with death either. I lost my mom to breast cancer three years ago and the grieving evolves and changes, but doesn’t just stop. And I still have a connection to her, it’s just not a physical one any more. Society often expects us to put it all behind us, not talk about death and to just move on. This is part of the reason I decided to include grief and loss as part of my breast cancer blog. It’s such an under acknowledged topic. Thanks for this great post.
hello… and I need some help please; we lost my beloved daughter in a tragic accident 5 yrs ago..; she left behind an estranged husband but more importantly 2 beautiful little girls, aged 3 & 5; we had lived together since the birth of the little one, and were very, very close. But after the loss, my son-in-law moved out w/ the girls; I see them weekly and at every opportunity I can at school. The older girl, now 10, has separation anxiety, & has internalized the loss, and has isolated her feelings: and the little one, now 8, has deep feelings of loss of mommy, and will have nightime crying episodes, so deep that her entire body trembles; I have a ‘mommy’ room, and we have Mommy’s pictures w/ the girls around; I tell them stories of how Mommy loved them & about her new life up in Heaven..; but I can’t find the words to comfort them, I don’t know what to say..:(:(:(; my former SIL would not let me take them to counseling & the school offers only ‘occasional’ classroom counselors; My SIL does not let me take them to church, & pretty much ‘controls’ their lives. Can you offer me some words of wisdom on how I can help them in their pain?? I am deeply grateful for your suggestions and prayers.. GiGi
Going to church with them and letting them know that there is a life after death and God loves them will help. It will give them hope to meet mom in heaven. Being religious can really help in healing the soul and gives a lot of hope. May God help you and the kids
Hello..it’s been 27 days since the loss of my beautiful mother. I’m lost…I’m hurt..I’m so sad..Being 35 yrs old women and a mother, I thought i would be able to “maintain”..I can’t. I am…but i have no idea how. My mothers death was sudden. she wasn’t ill or anything. We had the Sophia-Dorathy (golden girls) relationship. i miss her..my son has lost his “nana” that he saw every morning. And now all he has is me. Weak motherless me. Pray for us.
Hi Tamisha… I know exactly how you feel. I lost my mom….. my best friend, my companion, my teacher, my guide, my strong tower, on the 2nd of July this year. I myself am a mother of 5…it was totally unexpected and my world fell apart when my sister phoned me with the news. Everyday is a struggle for me..through the entire grieving process..I find myself in tiems of absolute anger…and days where I just cry…I have never felt so lonely… I am engaged to the most wonderful man on this planet…we are getting married on 22 Decemeber this year..and even though it is going to be the happiest day in my life, there is such a sadness in my heart… the picking up the phone to tell her about the arangements, the colours..or my dress…and then remembering again that she is no longer there. I have kept her ashes..they have a special place in our room…until I am ready to let them go… A week after my mom passed away, we were told that my hubby-to-be has severe heart failure. Even though they can’t give an absolute time period, the doctor’s words were “get into torder what needs to be in order. If you’re one of the lucky one, you will see it through the next year”… I so much needed her at that moment..to tell me what to say, what to think, how to deal with this coz she had been there before. The last 8 weeks have been the most challenging time I have ever experienced.. the last few days I battle with anger..only realised last night that it probably is part and parcel of the grieving process. My man is amazing..he tries so hard to support me, even though he himself has to deal with such a difficult issue… I have no idea how to deal with myself right now.. I feel like I’m losing the plot most of the time..but I try keep as strong as I possibly can for my kids’ sake.. and for my man.. he needs me so much now and yet I feel from time to time as if I am failing him now…
I dunno if it is ever going to get better..they say time heals all things, but I am not convinced of that…
After having read this article, I realised that it is o.k to feel angry, even though you have no idea why yuo are angry or what you need or want.. It’s o.k to cry… I talk to her so much… I stand before her ashes and ask her questions about life.. I wear her bangle day and night… I am also going to make her a part of my wedding ceremony.. I will light a candle for her..
I really miss her… I really need her…
In a sad way, I am so glad there is someone else who is close to the same age and feels the same way; I lost my mother 15 days ago and cannot get over needing her to be here in this mortal life even though I am 36 years old today. I am sad for my dad, they were the best of friends, married 42 years.
I have a very similar situation. I am 34 & just lost my mother -kidney failure- ovarian cancer spread into kidney & also the treatments for ovarian cancer damaged the kidney. My mother & father were married 37 years. She told me to take care of my dad before she passed away. We were also best friends at this stage in our lives. I had a little boy almost 6 years ago. I am feeling lost without my mom. It has only been a few days since her death. I know this lonely feeling isn’t going anywhere anytime – ever. It is going to be a difficult journey. I wish all the people suffering comfort and peace.
I also have a very similar situation. My Momma passed away January 15th,2013 and i cant get over it. My Momma was my best friend and myparents were married for 41 yrs. Momma had a rare muscle disease and she suffered for 9 days and for those 9 days I never left her side and i was holding her hands when she took her last breath. I am so lost. My Miricle son that will be 6 in a few days misses his mawmaw so much. Please tell me why i have anger and my sister is the strong one and she tells me not to cry. Im so tender hearted that im confused. I have an amazing husband but he wants to hold me and tells me to cry. I just want peace. I knew she was dying but I never thought I would feel so LOST without her even though i know she is better off. I ask again, tell me a book or a Dr. Or what to do. I miss her so much.
Hi there. Just read your post and can relate. My mom passed away suddenly 3 was ago. She had not been ill, she just didn’t wake up one morning. The autopsy results showed nothing. I also am trying to be there for my Dad who is devastated. Please tell me how things are going for you now!
Losing our parents is so devestating however if I had to choose after living through my mama’s experience, I would rather she have passed quickly and painlessly. I watched her die very slowly and I can truely understand why some people will help their loved one with assisted death. I watched mom turn from a normal skin tone and color to just a pale waxy shell within hours. It will haunt me forever. Every day is a challange for me. My heart sometimes actually hurts from the grief.
I swear it’s a Catch-22 either way. My mom died suddenly two weeks ago so I never got to say goodbye. She too, was my everything, I spoke with her every day so I know she knew how much I adored her but I really wish I could tell her I love her one more time. I’m grateful that my mom passed quickly with little or no pain because I can’t fathom what you went through watching your mom slowly die. I’m so sorry you had to do that. I am just trying to figure out how to live without my mom. I’m constantly on the verge of sobbing and having a panic attack. I miss her so so much.
I lost my mother 4 months ago and it still feels like yesterday. Tonight being with my dad and my brother, my dad made a comment about wanting a companion. This of course absolutely took my breath away. They were married 32 years. I know that he loved her deeply and is dealing with this in his own way. But I for very sad and almost angry. I had to step away, because I didn’t want him to know it bothered me. I’m just still having a hard time accepting the fact she’s gone and I can never feel her hugs or ask for advice. We fought like any mother and daughter, but she was my heart and there is not a day i dont talk about her as if shes still here. Im sure people get sick of it .but it helps me to keep her alive in my heart because i dont think i can let her go.
Hi Jenn,
My parents were married 38 years before my mother died. She’s been gone just over a year and my father tried to bring up the “I’m lonely…” conversation but I shut it down. Don’t feel bad for not wanting to hear it – I don’t want to deal with it either, and as daughters we shouldn’t have to. This is something for him to discuss with a friend or a therapist, not his child. He might be able to find a new partner, but we’ll never be able to find someone who occupies the space of “mother” – our losses are different than our fathers’.
Keep talking about her, keep thinking about her, and don’t feel badly about any of it. She was your mother, this is your way of honouring her, and it’s no one’s business but your own how you do it. I’m cheering for you.
xoxo
Amanda
Hi Amanda, Thank you that helped. I needed to hear and know that someone understands how I feel. I wish you the best as well!
So you seemed to help me before. Maybe you can help with this. The guy I’ve been seeing basically just went off on me saying that I’m hurting the people who are still here and alive that I’m so focused on mourning her. I’m not trying to hurt anyone and I do hug everyone and tell them I love them. But I just feel like everyone is moving on so quickly and I’m just not ready to. I don’t know what to do or say to not hurt them. He says I can talk to him about my mom anytime. But now I just feel like I don’t want to because of what he said. I don’t know what to do. This is the most difficult thing I have felt with. And Yea I have lashed out at him quite a bit. Honestly I have even lost some friends since her death. Any suggestions? -jenn
Hi Jenn. 4 months is still such a short time when it comes to a loss like this. Really. At four months I was crying in my office weekly, having trouble getting out of bed and wondering how I was supposed to go on. My bf tried really hard to “get me” but it was hard for him. It could be that the guy you’re seeing doesn’t want to see you upset, and just doesn’t understand that you can’t just “turn it off” and get back to “normal”. A friend of mine who lost her mom put it really interestingly “you haven’t lost a part of yourself, necessarily. You just have something extra to carry now”. People don’t like change, but he has to understand you are different now. I found this article helpful. Modern loss is great. http://modernloss.com/second-hand-grief/
Losing friends is normal, sadly. My sisters friends were great, they went to the funeral, they called her and texted her….for the first month. The they stopped, and started avoiding her. She had to cut them free. Some people won’t be able to handle this kind of thing. But when the same things happen to them, and they will, they’ll get it. Don’t feel too badly. My sister bonded with new friends afterwards and the friends are more understanding than those that left her behind.
Things do get better. I won’t give you any platitudes about having your mom “live In your heart” or whatever. All I can tell you is that you will find joy, you will laugh, and that sharp pain will dull. Every day is different and grief isn’t linear. Some days you’ll feel like you can do anything and others you won’t be able to get out of bed. That’s okay. You are okay. You’re doing really well.
Thank you so much that truly helped me. I have definitely taken what you said to heart.
I know exactly how you feel I lost my mother August 30th 2012 and it’s just something I can’t recover from I try to move on like people say I should I just don’t know how to do it this is the hardest thing I have ever been through I need help as well
Hi Tamisha,
I just read this blog for the 1st time today. I am also 35 and I lost my mom about 6 weeks ago, just this past Thanksgiving weekend. I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. My mother and I were so close, and although her death was slow (she was ill with an incurable cancer and the last month of her life was in the hospital, then hospice), it is still very hard. Moms are so precious, aren’t they? It is such a loss that I have never felt in my heart, and I cry when least expected. I am trying my best to move on, but it is so hard. My dad is so heartbroken, as well as my sister. I pray for you and everyone on this forum, that we find strength and peace during this very difficult time
I understand how you feel
My mom passed aweek ago
This post is very touching… I recently (2 days ago…) lost my mother to brain cancer. Although expected losing her was like getting stabbed in the chest. Since i live far away i thought that coming back to my home would make it easier to start my grieving process… It feels like the opposite, i feel lost. Also, i am engaged and getting married in less than 6 months. My man is wonderful and tried to cheer me up but has never experienced such loss… Many people have sent me their condoleances but still, i have never felt so alone.
Can’t sleep & found this post, thank you! It’s been 18 months since the loss of my mom & best friend. My only child is now 1y.o. & how I wish my mom could have witnessed this stage of my life. Although I enjoy being a wife & mom, I feel like a shadow of myself in so many ways. I miss my #1 fan, my mom. I felt that same way 11 yrs ago when my dad passed, but I feel unanchored in life now in a way I’ve never experienced. There are times still that my heart just aches. It’s comforting to know I’m not the only one that misses their mom greatly.
Reading these messages seem to touch me in all the ways I am feeling and have felt for almost the last 9 years. My mother was so many things to me best friend, someone that I respected, and found strength in. I can still see how brave and strong she was for me and my sister. My mothers death changed my life forever. I am very blessed because she brought me into this world and I was with her when she left this world. I know my mother will also be there to take me to meet my dear Lord when my time is done here. I also know that my daughter will have to travel the same path oneday. I must say it has all been worth every moment because I would rather known the love of my mother and had to physically lose her than to have never known her love at all. I feel the pain for anyone that loses that wonderful creature God gave us all…our Mothers.
I spent a week in March, April, and May with my mom as she took chemotherapy to try to stop her leukemia. I spent thw last 6 weeks of her life with her and held her hand as she drew her last breath. We gave her a memorial a few days ago. It was beautiful. She was selfless an a caregiver. Everybody there was very sorrowful. They were supportive, but for the first time ever, I felt all alone. I was the only girl, and the baby of the family. She and I were like best friends. Since she died, I feel distanced from my husband. He sees me cry, but doesnt offer emotional or physical support in the form of hugs. He ignores it. He and my parents didnt like eachother, and he was a little more supportive when my father died 3 years ago. I feel sad for my children who arent seeing or learning how to help someone who is grieving. I feel like I am lost. I feel like I have no anchor and nobody who loves me jyst because I am me…
Cheryl, my deepest condolences. I am sorry to hear that you do not have the support you need during your grieving process. Can you reach out to friends or a support group? Even online communities can help if you don’t want to go anywhere in person. A grief counselor would be a good place to start if you would rather talk one-on-one with someone. I urge you to find help and not become to isolated. Grief is something we do alone, I think, but we do need love and support from those around us. I hope you can find some.
Cheryl….I just lost my mom 9 days ago.I am 53 but feel like a ten year old. My mother was my life..I quit my job to care for her the last 4 years and she died very fast.I never saw it coming..She always got better but not this time. I have a sister who was not as close to our mom as I was and she just left me to grieve alone and is as happy as a dove already! I can not even stand to look at her. She does not get how empty I feel. I feel like I lost a organ. I pray this feeling can become not as painful. If I thought I had to feel like this the rest of my life I do not think I want the rest of my life. This is the most horrific thing to happen to me.I understand your loss and understand how horrible it is to have no support…Much love, Kimberlie
Kimberlie, Your post hit home with me. I am 53 and feel like a child too. I left my job and cared for my mother for the last 2 and a half years. She had times of hospital stays and also got better at times. My sister was not there for mom and I. We were there for her when she went through her cancer. I feel empty and can’t stand to look at my sister also. I am so lost without her. I can’t get the last minutes of her life out of my head. Mom and I became so close and she trusted me with her life. All I could do is give her liquid morphine at the end. Seven days without food or water, she never woke up after her birthday on 12-20. She died on the 27th of Dec. Mass is the 19th which is this Sat. She did not want a funeral as this family does not do well when we are all together. I am so sad and blue…very hard to go through her belongings. We had the strenghth to care for our mothers…..hope we have strenghth to go on without them, Peace and love to you.
My momma died jan.21, 2013 at 130 in the afternoon. I was not expecting it. The hospice nurse had just been and said it would probable be a few more days. I was giving mom reiki my eyes were closed. In my minds eye I saw angels. Even then I did not expect her to die right then I just observed the I saw my momma’s body laying before the angels. I just watched in great peace came over me. I watched as God lovingly drew her life out of her body. It was clay colored My eyes still closed the nurse came in and said your mom is gone. For days I felt like the pain was too great to bear. I felt like a murderer as I had to make choices that myomere wanted. No feeding tubes. I considered killing myself. I kept dreaming about het. i screamed for her, Momma. i was in agony. A month later the pain has lessened a bit. I can sleep sometimes. I went to grocery store. Nothing could have prepared me for this soul agony. I honor you my beautiful mother my friend you are one of gods treasures. A life well lived.
Get grief support. All hospices have services. May each day we live be an honor to our mothers. Loving. Tracy brown
Dearest Heidi,
I think one of the worst emotions you can have is regret. You know you did all in your power to make the final stages of your mum’s life comfortable. Like you I feel my family did not do enough and were not there as support for us. It is a very lonely road but you will be rewarded in some way when you least expect it. It takes a lot of strength to care for someone, and when they are gone you just feel all your strength is gone, it will slowly come back in time. ” You have done a good job”, a simple statement like that can make a lot of difference. It is a pity it does not come from family but many people think it of you and that is the main thing. Veronica
Kimberlie…
My mom past away suddenly on December 23, 2012. I am 52 and I also feel like a child again. My mom had two heart surgeries, the latest one on February 29, 2012. Luckily, the hospital was just 5 minutes away so I could go back and from from work easily. My mom and I were together every weekend and we talked atleast 6 times a day and sometimes even more. I would call her on my way to work and on my way home. I have three brothers and they do not live in the same town as my mom and I. I think they have gone on with their lives to and I am still grieving. I feel like a part of me is missing. My mom rented her home and I can’t bring myself to move anything out. I never understood how horrific loosing my mom could be. I have apologized to my friends for not understanding their loss until now.
Much love, Tammy
Hi Kimbelie, my heart goes out to you. My mom passed away 21 days ago. Like you, my mother was my life. I resigned from my job to care for her, she had vascular dementia. Like you mentioned about your mom, my mom always got better, each time… she was so strong and such a trooper – smiling her beautiful smile, always positive. …. but this time, the dementia… bit by bit.. shut down her internal organs .. and took its toll on her little fragile body. I feel so lost right now – with no husband, children or siblings. I do have a sister who, during my moms health decline – would send a check to help cover the expense of caregivers – but she was not at all involved with my mom or with me. She never responded when I contacted her so many times about crucial decisions that needed to be made regarding our mothers care. It was hurtful – and still is. My sister is happy and living life as she had been before. I do not want to have anything to do with her as she was not there to help – emotionally for me and for my mom when needed Also, now, she continues to choose to not communicate with me about anything, including the loss of our mom. Like you Kimberlie, if I thought I had to feel like this the rest of my life.. I do not think I would want to continue with the rest of my life. This truly is the greatest and most horrific pain to ever experience. I pray that peace will come upon us and that we will be able to come to know a new ‘purpose’ for our lives so that we can continue. Surely our mothers would want this for us. Though I am saddened that you too, have no support, it is comforting to know that we – along with others posting here – share that special bond of having been there for our mothers. Sending giant hugs,
Love,
Sally
Yes, that is just how I feel – without an organ. It is overwhelming and unbelievable. I keep going over things, why I didn’t do this, do that. It is just all too painful. Nothing seems to matter any more. I hope you find strength.
I am sitting at my mother’s death bed as I write this. I was blessed to care for her in my home for the last 2 years. Now, I am giving her morphine to comfort her at the end of her life. Although my pain right now is unbearable as I am with such a heavy heart, I will yearn for this day in the future since I will not be able to look at her beautiful face any longer.
Taran, your words have moved me to tears this morning. Thank you for sharing your story and your mother’s. She is fortunate to have such a loving daughter who is able to have perspective during such a difficult process. My heart goes out to you and your family.
I have been so moved and touched, as well as encouraged in reading these posts. My mother passed away October 9 2011. She was ill, and continued to live life. She knew her time on earth was short. My mother was hard on me growing up. I made choices in life that caused us not to have that close MOTHER-DAUGHTER bond. I left home early. I always yearned for her to be in my life. I prayed for that all the time. God answered my prayers in 2007 and we became close. The relationship I always wanted was happening. I am sad that we did not have enough time together, and I miss her dearly. It is very hard to deal with. I still have my father, and know one day he to will go home. ( I don’t think about that). I have been on Auto-Pilot since she left me. I have feelings of being an ‘orphan child’ even at the age of 35…….My relationship with my husband has changed. My children have said I am different,and so has my husband. I know I have changed, but I am trying to come back to being the wife and mom she would want me to be…..
my mom passed away last year because of breast cancer.And i cant seem to find a way to overcome the pain i am experiencing since she left us she’s the best mom she’s my bestfriend she is the only person that completes my life she is the only person who understands me..now i feel hopeless how i wish i still have her…i miss those times that i spend with her i miss the times that when i come home from school she’s waiting for me and chat with her.I really miss her..I’m just 19 too young to lose my mother.
Jirah, I am still devastated over the loss of my mom two years ago and I am 52…my heart goes out to you because you are so young. My advice would be to lean on aunts or a godmother. If you don’t have a god mother is there someone who could fill the role? If so, ask them. They will be so touched! I also urge you to plant a tree for your mom to honor her or doing something else for the same reason. Bereavement groups or counselors are great too. Google some close to you. Good luck and G-d bless you.
I lost my wonderful mum just two weeks ago, so can relate to so many of the comments written here. I just couldn’t have imagined living a day without talking to her, or just sitting with her. I’m sad for everything that should have been. My mum was my best friend.
I too am a motherless daughter. My mom died of ovarian cancer almost 2 years ago. It is devastating. I was 39, too young to loss this special person who just started to become my best friend. I am going to have a hysterectomy next week and I can’t tell you how much I long for her prescence. I know she’s still “with” me but its not the same. I long to she her face to feel her hugs to hear her say I love you… And life goes on as my heart is broken. Sorry that I am not the only one!
Thank you for these beautiful words. I am 39 and I lost my mother at the end of August to ALS. We had a complicated relationship my whole life, but I was very close with her for a good part of it……..just the last few years were complex and tough. I’m struggling a lot with grief and trying to find ways to work through it in a healthy way, but it’s difficult when you have 2 children who also lost a treasured grandparent. There seems to be too much pain in my household sometimes and it’s easy to get overwhelmed. My friends mean well, but they don’t understand the depth of the grief I feel. I will never be the same woman I was 8 weeks ago. While I recognize that I can still be a wonderful woman, filled with purpose, love and passion…………I’m not her right now and won’t be fore awhile. It’s a process and I know that. I just want to encourage all of you who have lost someone. It’s ok to feel lost right now. Some people will not understand even though you explain how you’re feeling. A good friend said “it’s like being trapped inside a tiny box that has hundreds of layers of duct tape all around it. Everytime you peel away another layer of grief, there is another behind it”. She was right. It’s exactly like that. The good news is that there are holes poked into the box so we can breathe until we figure out a way to be ok again. Love and prayers to you all
hello Carin, absolutely love your letter, i lost my mum to depression 6 months ago now.. I am feeling so gloomy about the whole deal, i found my mum & had to call for an ambulance the last half hour of her life was traumatic & chaotic. I’m still struggling to know what to do with this kind of grief,, but just reading through peoples blogs yours struck a cord for me “the Duck tape box” ive been using art to write out my grief words & issues with feelings.. Write out the words with Brite coloured pens onto really beautiful paper then use origami technique to fold paper into different shapes mine was a star,, after reading your post it improved my outlook instead of uncontrollable grieve, I am excited to pen out some of my regrets n painful memories put it all in a handmade box & put a hundred rounds of duck tape the ‘”fix it” for everything.
this may just help in the process of letting go. i really love my mum i want to make peace with my grief now . lots of love to all b
Hi Carin
I lost my mom October 9, 2012 to the same gruesome disease ALS. She died exactly
10 months after diagnosis…she was an active strong lady that walked 5 miles a day…she was 63. My mom was my everything….she was my best friend. I’m totally lost without her. I love your duct tape analogy…it’s so true!! Love and strength to all.
Roshnee
Dear Carin, I feel more or less the same. I lost my mother only twenty days ago and when I try to picture my future without grief I can’t maybe because it still feel so raw. I know it will take a long time but I just want reassurance that although I will be a different woman I can still live a full and happy life. I’m taking it one day at the time.
All the best.
I have found this blog and the comments on it to be so encouraging in the last five months since my Mother passed away. She died of COPD, a form of lung disease, as well as complications from a stroke she suffered when I was 12; I was 26 when she passed, on Mother’s Day this year.
Since she had a stroke 14 years ago, I had been aware of the fragility of life, and especially my Mom’s life. She has been in and out of the hospital for the last six years, suffering heart attacks, seizures and COPD attacks. Each time I was afraid she would pass, and was relieved and grateful when she didn’t. Because of this, I treasured my time with her, and had the opportunity to have the “important” conversations with her that I wanted, and needed. In a way, my prayers were answered when she did pass, as she had spent Mother’s Day weekend with my sisters, my nieces and I, full of joy and laughter, and passed painlessly, with dignity, after the weekend ended. I flew across the country on a whim, thinking that it might be one of my last Mother’s Days with her. I’m so glad I did, and I thank and praise God for blessing me with this gift.
I miss her in waves, now that more time has passed. I long for her to hold me, like when I was a little girl. I miss hearing her voice. I am sad at work, and don’t know why. I am fuzzy-headed at times, and irritable with my loved ones, mad at myself for not being kinder. And then I remember why; that this isn’t how I usually am, this isn’t the normal “me”. This is me grieving the loss of the person who most shaped my development, my spirituality, my understanding of self. And when I remember that, I am easier on myself, I breathe in, I say a little prayer, and sometimes, I swear I can feel her grace, her blessing, beside me.
I lost my mother two years ago to liver cancer I was only twenty now twenty three. I miss her so much. I feel really sad a lot thinking about how she isn’t here to see me really grow up into the woman she raised me to be. I know shed be so proud it kills me inside knowing that I will feel this pain forever. The one thing I am grateful for though is that I got to be with her holding her hand while she took her last breath. She was so kind and thoughtful always wanted to make sure everyone was happy . She truly was and will.be forever the most amazing person I ever knew. I miss her voice I miss her sarcastic jokes that only she would come up with. I miss the way she smelled. I miss everything and I wish more than ever that she was here with me. She will always be in my heart. Sometimes I talk out loud when I’m alone ans pretend that she hears me. Sometimes I dream about her ans those dreams are so nice
I just lost my wonderful loving best friend in the world – my mom. She was 89 years old and up until 88 she was independent and lived on her own. I would go to her home on weekends and we would get our nails done, go thru catalogs, read trash magazines, watch movies and have dinner together. I loved her so and she loved me. This past year and a half was very hard on her – giving up her independence and in and out of hospitals. She always told me to “pull myself together” as I am a very emotional person and she always worried about me if anything happened to her. I am heartbroken but I do what I believe she would want and go on – go to work, try and find the fun of life and laugh because she loved to laugh and I loved to make her laugh. I will miss her warm hands of comfort and her consoling pats on my back and her wonderful advice – but mostly I will miss her being in my life everyday close by. She is with me in my heart always and I will have to accept that at least i have that. I love you mom more than words can ever say.
So very sorry…your Mom passed the day we had my Mom’s Memorial Service. My Mom passed December 14th on her 85th Birthday..I too took care of her..and was there the night she went to Heaven…My Dad is very lost..I guess I keep it together for him..64 years of a wonderful, love filled marriage..I miss her so much…it does not seem real..she faded really fast after 6 hospital visits..that was hard to take…Yes, forever in our hearts…….Angles on your Pillow Mommy…
I lost my mother 2 years ago, very suddenly and unexpectedly as well. I too have only 1 sister who lives interstate and life for her has just moved on. she said to me “we all die one day youknow” hardly comforting. I care full time for my father now as well as my young family 7,10,and 13 yrs. I too feel empty and very alone even though I recognise my family love and care for me very much. My mother understood me. There will never be another like her and I still wake up each day and feel I am in a nightmare. Time I fear will not heal me, just somehow I will learn to love with this emptiness. I am gratful that I spent alot of time with my mother and despite our arguments we always told each other how much we loved and cared for eachother. I am happy to read my feelings are similiar to others.
My mother passed in August 2012. The fog is starting to lift but it is still a raw wound. I know what it is like to have siblings return to normal so quickly. Grief is so individual and difficult to understand when others grief so differently than you . I pray that we all find a glimmer of peace this holiday season and find comfort in our beautiful memories.
I lost my mum when I was 13 after a 3-year battle with cancer.The word Cancer was never spoken in my house because my relatives thought it would have been easier on her. One day, I found my mum,s blood test, and as I couldn’t understand the meaning of them, I found out she had a malignant cancer. I started to cry and she hugged me saying everything would had been fine. Losing a mum at the difficult age has been a huge tragedy. My dad raised 4 children doing a great job.I am 35 and a few weeks ago I went to see a psychologist as I realised I never been attached to anybody. I ended up a relationship with a guy I was deeply in love, but with a bossy mum. A proper bored Italian mum. I tried to be myself, but she and him put me down.
I needed to see a physologist, and I am glad I did. Talking about that awful pain made me feel lighter and full of love for myself. I felt love for myself.
Mum are the oaks of the families, and the lights of our hearts. Thank you all. Elisabetta
Ive just lost my mum on the 21st december, i am beyond devestated. She had copd but never told us how bad it was, she didnt want to worry us she was a very proud woman. She passed away in her sleep next to dad and so i never got to say goodbye, im devestated. I feel totally lost she was my best friend, no 1 supporter, my mum and who was my no1 person in my world. I am lost and destroyed, i dont think i can carry on without her, my 2yr old son is my ray of light to us all especially to dad. my son keeps laughing on his own and i know if she could that would be mum making him laugh, today he was in the hall on his own and said “miss you nan” my heart broke, its only been 5 days…the pain is physical pain i am so lost without my mum. I would love to talk to someone who understands the pain.
I just lost my mom december first,after taking care of her for three yrs,im in a daze,im so glad to read the feelings of others,i already got a suck it up,i just need to hear real feelings from people who been thru it,so thank u for sharing.
I know exactly how you feel Olivia, I feel exactly the same, its all the little things im finding hard, like with my young son, if im not sure of something, it would be my mum who i would call for advice, or looking out to the garden and seeing mum there laughing in the summer at our bbqs etc….its hard.
I still want to pick up the phone to her and its been 7 days, its killing me. Christmas day was awful, opening up her presents she had left us all, we knew she would have wanted us to be happy as she made xmas amazing every year for us all. She had bought all these silly funny presents for the dinner table as she would do every year, we were all in tears opening them at dinner. My heart kept breaking and breaking while putting on a strong front for our dad. I took our xmas tree down today as couldnt face looking at it anymore, I found a card from mum last christmas in the tree box, saying how much she loved me, and a card to my son calling him”my little suger plum” mums nickname for me when I was a little and now it was her nickname for my son, i just broke down completly. Its hard to imagine ever enjoying another day, let alone another xmas.
I went to see mum yesterday, mums funeral isnt until the 9th Jan due to the holidays. I just sat with her and held her hand yesterday and stroked her hair and sobbed like i have never sobbed before, I feel comfort seeing and being with her but then I dont want to leave her there its heartbreaking. i saw and spoke to my mum every day I dont think i can do this without her, I need her more now that I have ever needed her I miss her so so much.
Im a mess, my partner is finding it hard as one minute i am holding it together and then next I am sobbing my heart out. I am so so lost without my best friend, Mum.
Cheryl and Olivia, I am so sorry for your loss. Being the caregiver for your mom complicates the loss. Other family members don’t always understand that. I lost my mom this past August after caring for her for over two years. I thought things were getting a little better until the holidays hit. The wound became raw again and the pain became unbearable. Most people don’t understand it.
I know that we all grieve differently, but many are very insensitive to the fact that others are barely functioning after their mom’s death. I am divorced with no kids so my house is empty now that my mom is gone. My siblings all have families so they were busy preparing for the holidays. I remain stoic around them because they don’t understand. I know it will get better with time but it dosn’t provide me solice since I am usually in tears by 10am every morning. I know that she would want me to live life to the fullist but it is hard.
hi, im so sorry for your loss. my mum died unexpectedly christmas day. i held her hand as she took her last breath in intensive care. im 20 years old and findin it so difficult to cope. i also had to open my mums presents when i returned home as well as my own knowing i could never thank her for them. im not sure how i can ever celebrate christmas again. i had to sort her draws and wardrobe out yesterday and now im a mess. would be nice to talk sometime.
Hi all i joined motherless daughters on facebook, about 3000 members, im cheryl rose on there for the girl who lost her mum also at xmas would love to chat x x
I joined motherless daughter anout 3000 members. Im cheryl rose x would love to chat to the lady who lost her mum at xmas too x x
I lost my mom early Christmas morning this year after her year-long battle with lung cancer. We knew she was terminal and in many ways I’m grateful that we anticipated the end so she could help get her affairs in order and we could talk and reminisce. I’m an only child, at 35 and a mother to my young 4 year old daughter who treated my mom like her second mom. Watching her loss has been hard.
In the last month of moms life, as the cancer just destroyed so much of her body and energy, I took some solace in knowing she’d be at peace and knowing it was coming rather than a surprise. I thought I’d gotten a jump on some of the grieving (the terrible anger and sadness upon her diagnosis last year) … Nothing can prepare you for how lost and alone you will feel. I found a special box she’d left for my daughter filled with little trinkets they’d enjoyed together and handwritten notes of advice for her about love and life and joy and sorrow. It was the first time since she’d passed that I had the urge to talk to her and realized she wasn’t there.
Later I came across a photo of me as a baby tucked in her box of jewelry … No note just my name and Xmas 1977 written on the back. I realized there was no one left to remember me at that age, at all the ages my daughter will be. I feel like my personal historian is gone, that the only person on earth who loved me for me is gone.
I love my daughter deeply but it’s weird to only be on this side of the equation – loving her unconditionally and wanting to teach, guide and protect her, and not having my mom left to do that for me. She’s the only person who cheered my accomplishments large or small or had faith I could do what I set my mind to and the pride in me doing it.
I’m just lost without her. I promised her I’d still laugh and celebrate and not let my grief stand in my way of living my life but now I’m realizing that it will always be with me. I can’t imagine not feeling her loss deeply, as she has taken much of my sense of identity with her.
Hello Olivia, I am so sorry for what you’re going through. I’m absolutely in a daze of pain and loneliness right now, as I’m going through something very similar. My mom also passed from lung cancer, the morning after your mom did. It was just 55 minutes after Christmas. She’d been diagnosed last July, and I took care of her (and my sister helped toward the end as well.) I did receive the huge gift of being able to tell her to cross over to the light, and she did exactly what I asked…her last breath was the period at the end of my sentence. It was amazing. That said, I miss her even more than I thought I would. She was/is an amazing person who loved me so deeply. It just doesn’t seem real in a way. My twin daughters (almost 11) and husband are so supportive, but I can’t stop crying. My mom’s memorial service is day after tomorrow (Wed the 2nd) and I don’t know how I’m going to get through it. I think we just have to remember that we WILL be with our moms again, and I think the experience I had with my mom’s passing reinforces that. Are you going to see a grief counselor? I hope you are doing a tiny bit better. -Joan
I too lost my beautiful mom to lung cancer. She fought the demon for 2 years, 5 months and took her final breath on Nov. 13, 2012 at the young age of 60. I’ve never known pain like I do now. At the age of 37, I’ve lost my mom, best friend, kids’ favorite grandparent, my medical expert, my confidant, my link to my past, etc. She was so many facets in my life and in a blink of an eye — she’s gone. It’s been 10 weeks and I’m still in total disbelief…like maybe she’s just on vacation and will return soon.
Hello T,
I’m in a similar situation, having lost my mom the morning after Christmas (see above post). My mom lived a little longer than yours, to age 78 (I’m 48) but she passed way, way, way too soon. My daughters are 11. It seems like a bad dream…I would give a million dollars just to talk with her on the phone and it doesn’t seem possible that I can’t. I understand the vacation feeling! -Joan
I8 years is not a little longer! It is lifetime to someone’s who has lost their mom too soon.
T: My mom passed away August 6,2013 from lung cancer also. The cancer came back quickly, as she spent only 5 days in the hospital. She had just turned 60. We were told she had 48 hours to live, and they were right. It was the hardest thing to see, and I feel it is all a big dream. I use to call her all the time, and I really miss that. I feel lost, and not sure what to do. I am 43 , and lost my dad to cancer 6 years ago, he was 63. I went back to work, but find it tough! I am glad I found this website, at least I know others feel the same way. My heart feels like a piece is missing….miss my mom, miss talking to her, miss everything about her !
My mom passed in nov of 2005 she was a drug counsoler an a patient murdered her i was 17 years old an i have two older sibilings. 3 months after my mother passed my sister an i both got pregnant an gave birth to 2 beautiful girls! Time does not heal an i miss her every day but her memory lives in our hearts every day! Stay strong ladies!
hi..my dearly loved mum died on the 10 th of november 2012..she was only 58.i cannot put into words how much i miss her..feel like nothing will ever be the same again..how can it be when you lose your mum..your best friend…i am finding it very difficult to be around people as i find them so irritating….and am ashamed to say wishing that they were feeling the pain i am..no one understands unless its happened to them and wish these people would stop trying to give me advice…i cannot see time changing anything..or ever wanting to feel like smiling ever again.just feel trapped under a very dark cloud.all i want to do is think about mum.xx
I would love to properly chat to people going through the same pain right now, cherylcampbell32@yahoo.co. Uk unless someone has gone through losing their mum no one really understands could anyone ever imagine this pain? X
I completely understand! My mom passed away Nov. 13, 2012 at the age of 60. I feel so lost in this new world. Not having a mom is unimaginable!
My mom passed away at the same age & on the same date as yours!! It is unimaginable! I still can’t believe I’m motherless at 37 years old with my two kids who now don’t have their favorite grandparent/cheerleader.
I lost my darling mum 22 years ago. i was 20 filled with high spirits and life. All changed. Lost my dad 3 years later. With no family, no siblings uncles or aunts I found life hard. Got married, 2 beautiful children, divorced. i was working for 18 years but was made redundant. Now all i have is time. Alone time. To go within and try to heal this big void in my aching heart. Very hard. Thank you all for your posts & rest in peace all you lovely mums. I always felt alone. My b/f doesn’t understand my pain. How could he, he’s not a daughter. Miss my mum, the sad thing is i’m forgetting her more than I’m remembering her.I don’t think one can ever get over losing their mums. In the society we live in we are only reminded of what we have lost. I’m 42 this year and it seems all these years i have been empty, angry, vulnerable & sad. But i look forward to being with her again one beautiful day.
I am reading these posts but for me it is a Grandmother. She was, however, like a mother to me. I was interested to read your post in particular as it was 22 years ago you lost your dear Mum and you have not got over it. For me, it was 34 years ago. Why do people say time heals? For me nothing has changed in 34 years. Also You say “all changed”. You are quite right. I changed. I too got married, had 2 children, got divorced. Also, like you, nobody understands my pain and how it can go on. But a part of me died. I still feel quite empty even though I have a grandchild now. My sadness goes to my core. You will be with your Mum again one day, I am sure of it. I am trying to do some things in this life to make my Grandmother’s life meaningful. I am very sympathetic to older people, more than before. I am kinder, more understanding. I am going to sell some of her things and give it to a mental health charity as she suffered from depression. Just small things but they do help. I intend planting trees in her memory so that life goes on. She is still in my heart as your Mum is in yours. I understand completely how you feel and hope this helps.
Ranj
You’re post made me teary I felt some strong similar connections to you’re post .. I too am feeling angry lost and lonely I lost my mum 6months ago to cervical cancer she was 39 didn’t see her 40th After being diagnosed at 36 and it returning one long year with the f**** disease . I am sorry for you’re pain and too feel it .. I get angry looking at pictures of her when she was sick its taken over the image I had of her before cancer took its hold ..
“You grieve the relationship you lost and the one you had yet to build. The relationship was truncated, and that cannot be fully appreciated by someone who has not “experienced it.”” Goodness how is it that these words are what I feel today. I lost my mom almost 1 month ago…feels like it just happened today all over again…and not left alone to just grieve my way. I have and continue to be strong for everyone. Believe me no one can understand how I’m “holding up”. I say it’s my mother’s strenght. But I just want to be left alone to grieve my way. Even in this I am not free.
I empathize completely. My mom died Feb 19, and I feel like I’ve been going non-stop, and taking care of everyone and everything else while trying to stay on top of my studies….when do I get to grieve? They say it’s necessary, and I get the merits….but I just can’t find the time.
I lost my dearest mom ” mamma” four and half years ago …my daughter was only two months old then. It was as if destiny had either mom or my daughter in my life. Not both together. How I wish I had both of them with me today. I miss mom every day of my life…but somehow I feel her soul is there to comfort me and help me…I always feel she is around me telling me silently what I should do to be a good wife, mom, daughter, sister, employee, a good person above all.
I cry like a baby at times when I recall her words, even now I reach out to give her a call only to realise I do not have her phone number in heaven! My only prayer to god is that her soul rests in peace and I be united with her after death. I miss her so much….
Reading all your stories I realise how much my daughter will miss me if I go away from her….she sees me crying everyday and comes by to hug me knowing I am missing her granny.
it is important for all moms to take care of their health and see that they get to spend many many wonderful years with their daughters and grand-daughters.
Great insight into how daughters can relate to death of beloved mothers. My mom is still alive and though am married, at times I wonder what it could be without her. I only pray that she remains strong, healthier and leave longer. The truth is, no matter when death cones, it can be devastating. Only, the Grace of God and accepting Jesus Christ as our Lord and saviour can sustain us from heightened sorrow. I must say I have been enriched by this page. I just visited for the first time and am really blessed. I just shared it on our new Facebook page “Mother Delta Project”
I feel so empty inside. I don’t know how to cope with the loss of my precious mom. She was my best friend. I’m 37 yrs old and she had just turned 70. My two sons and I have always lived with her and its so hard to walk inside that door and she not be there waiting for us. She was in perfect health until end of September. She was so independent. She loved life, was full of energy and loved us so much. We did everything together. She was diagnosed with lung cancer early October and died December 20. It’s been three weeks today and I’m still in shock. I had just accepted a new job in July so I couldn’t take a leave of absence to be with her, although I missed as many days as possible to be with her from September thru December. The 3 days before her death I didn’t leave her side but momentarily. I feel so guilty for not quitting my job to be with her 24/7 for those three months, but I need my job. I can’t bear the pain and desire of just wanting to talk to her, hear her, enjoy her. I miss her so much.
I have not yet lost my mom, but will be soon and am looking for advice. I am a 31 year old mother of two. My mother is only 53, and has stage IV lung cancer with bone mets. We had some rough years in the teens and early twenties, but we have a close relationship. She has always talked to me and shared with me. I am the only one who knows all of her dark secrets. However, since her diagnosis last month, she doesn’t talk to me as much. I was there with her when she got her diagnosis and for the two weeks after. But the moment I left (two weeks ago), she deteriorated rapidly. She now can’t get out of bed and sleeps most of the day.
I want to be there to care for her, share with her and comfort her. She has a hard time with that, having been an oncology nurse for 30 years. She can’t allow herself to become the recipient (at least not from me). She insists the reason that she doesn’t want me there is because I’m 10.5 months away from finishing graduate school. She wants me to stay focused and graduate on time in case she lives long enough to make it. I try to explain to her that it doesn’t matter if I’m in NY at school or in Florida with her….focus is impossible.
This is all so sudden and I don’t know how to manage. I can’t afford to fly back and forth often…or really at all. I have a 12 year old and 3 year old to take care of too. I can’t take a lot of time off school, just long weekends….I want to be there, but she doesn’t want me there. I think it’s really because she doesn’t want me to see her like that. But I want to have every moment I can with her. How do I balance my needs with her wishes? Any advice from those who have gone through this loss is welcome, and feel free to email me and connect. Referrals to appropriate support networks are also welcome. Like I said, this is a pretty new diagnosis, and I’m still in shock. She’s so young, and I wasn’t ready for this yet. my email is jindaley@yahoo.com
Love and support to all of you. Thank you for sharing your stories. I fear my mother won’t survive to December, and my graduation is likely to be a very sad day despite the accomplishment.
Update: I no longer need answers to these questions, as my mom passed on Feb 19th, just two months after diagnosis. I thank those who emailed me directly, and I apologize for not returning your emails. It all happened so fast, and I found myself flying back and forth, trying to balance taking care of her and my kids in two locations.I’m thankful I got the time with her I did, but she plummeted so fast that there really were no good times. Her pain was out of control, and it was a blessing she went so fast. Love to all of you who have shared. We will all get through this
I lost my mum 3 & half yrs ago. I ended up looking on here tonight because I burst into tears tonight I miss her so much I’m 48 and and like others on here I just need my mum.
my mum struggled with mental health issues while growing up I would go in and out of childrens homes. we had good and bad times when I got married and had my children we got closer. then I moved to france with my husband & 2 children we visited her in the feb 2009 and she was planning to visit us in the august. but never made it she died on june 3rd 2009 it was such a sock and I feel so guilty for moving here.now my children have turned into teenagers and don’t understand me like I did’ent understand my mum all those yrs ago. what I would give to have her back and tell her she was a good mum she did her best and she did care miss you mum xx thankyou for this sight and my heart goes out to you all x
I lost my mom on April 7 2012. My mom ment the world to me . She was all my two brothers and I had our father past away in 1983. So she was all we had she past way of stomach cancer . It was very hard for us to find out that she only had two months to six months to live when I found out I took a leave from work to take care of her it was the best thing I ever did was taking care of her and I know I did the right thing because now my little boy tells me if I ever get sick like his grandma he will take care of me like I did my mom and he’s only eight. I’m happy I found this to talk to people that are going through the samething I am. Thank you very much
They say as time goes by it gets better. But how and when does it start. My mom was everything to me best friends the one person I could go to to get whatever I needed to get off my mind I go back in my mind and think of what I could have done more of to take care of her. But there was nothing I could do not once did she ask why her. She would say just pray for me. And it is in Gods hands I just don’t understand all of this To watch ur mom the one that gave me life took care of me when I was sick there when my kids were born there for me when I needed her And then just to watch her slip away slowly in pain and nothing I could do To watch her take her last breath Why she is looking you in your eyes was the hardest thing to do And now what do I do my best friend is gone That one person in life that would make everything fine for me is now gone. It’s just hard for me to understand all of this. If some one understands more then me please tell me how to understand. I hate cancer that’s what took her stomach cancer. She was the best lady ever I love you mom
Ms. Fraga, I have empathy for you. Your pain, my heart because I also lost my mother to cancer. Nothing made any sense, no religious views helped especially not being told “God needed another little angel” because I knew God wouldn’t do something like that. If that’s what you need to cling to, I certainly do not want to hurt or stumble you, however, if you want a firm solid hope read on. The Bible, or the Holy Scriptures hold out a tremendous hope that lifts this burden off of our shoulders. In it we learn that “the dead are conscious of nothing at all.” This helps because it show us that our mothers are no longer in pain, and instead they are experiencing what Jesus Christ described as a “deep sleep-like state.” The Bible also tells us that there will come a time, very soon in fact, that the dead ones will be resurrected to perfect life here on the Earth where we can also look forward to being. Their health will be restored and they will live in an Earthly Paradise. You are right, it IS in God’s hands. He will remember your mother and resurect her just how you remember her at her prime. I’ve been coping with my mother’s death for over a decade and this is what has brought me peace. My mom used to say that “it isn’t time that heals all wounds, but what you do with that time.” She was right. By looking to the Bible, or Holy Scriptures, it has revived the hope within me that I would be able to see my mother again. This book truly is a letter from a loving father, that father being God. A book that helps bring these core teachings to light is called “What Doea The Bible Really Teach” which you can get on JW.org under the “publications” tab. Either downloading it to your computer or requesting a free print copy for yourself. You can also request more information on this wonderful hope for the future while at that website. I hope this lightens your load at least a little even though no human can truly make it all go away.
Sincerely,
Another Grieving Girl
I lost my mum 4 yrs ago feb she was diagnosed with lung cancer and it was so quick I still can’t beleive it she was 67 and was my best friend in all the world . I am 40 this year and I have a fantastic partner and 2 beautiful children aged 2 + 1 , and my dad and 2 sisters are so close we talk about her all the time , but sometimes I just feel so alone and scared because I miss her terribly but I find I can’t think to deeply about her last few days because I couldn’t handle the pain in which u bury deep inside u , it’s like a protection barrier we have and need inside us all .I think about the good times every day and all the laughs we had and I even still spk to her now and know what her reply would be and what she would be laughing at ,mum is still with me in spirit I know she still looks after and always will my guardian angel who guides me , my love goes out to you all be strong and safe for yourself and those deerest to you x
I lost my mother exactly one year ago today to cancer. I was 24. She was the strongest person I knew even through two+ years of chemo coupled with diabetes. I’m missing her more than ever today.
Each and every day it seems at least one person adds a story of love and loss to this post. I haven’t wanted to intrude on the thread but I want to say to all of you how much I appreciate the way you loved your moms, the way you shared your voices here to honor them. I hope that someday my daughter (and my sons as well) will honor me the way that you honor your mothers.
I have a very strong feeling they will, Lisa.
My mom died September 10 2012 very suddenly. I am a 41 year old mother of one myself and I still feel lost at times. She was my best friend and I miss her every day
There are so many of us who are experiencing the same pain of missing our moms. I wish so badly this group of people could unite in some fashion (Facebook private group???) to help support and rally each other through this valley. Though I consider myself very blessed by wonderful friends, I’m struggling with connecting/relating to my friends, as I’ve changed, I’m no longer the same. Very few, if any of them can genuinely relate. I’m not being insensitive by saying this, but it’s entirely different between losing your mom vs. a cousin, brother-in-law, etc. I understand grief is grief and can’t be compared, but I just want to know I’m not alone in this new found motherless club. A club in which I desperately wished I never joined. I nominate “Joan” as creating a fb group. 🙂 Clearly I don’t know you, but you seem to have a huge heart by reaching out to people…I’m thankful for that and thank you for your reply to my earlier message! We need to somehow be able to privately send our email to the fb group adminstrator who creates the page, then that person could add us to the fb page by looking up our address and adding us to the group? I don’t even know if that’s how fb groups work, just an idea. I’d try to do it, but right now I’m up with a sick kid and have appts. for her tomorrow. I don’t want my email on this public page as it has my name as my email address. Hmmm, any other ideas on how we can do this and stay private until we enter a closed group? Thanks and love to all.
T great idea x x
I know i would enjoy a facebook group please let me know if anyone opens one or finds one thank you
there is one called daughters grieving loss of mothers i think x
There is no greater love than the love a child holds their mother… Its 1:00 am I dont sleep much at night is when I get time to myself, My mother died in a car accident when I was 4 and my grandmother and family never talked about her my dad was the only one and I have limited contact with him I wish I had more stories to share with my kids I am glad I came across this site, for all of you grieving the loss of you mothers our not alone it gets tolarable but the hurt and pain of loss remains I have never gotten over her death and never will. I was filled with doubt that she may have not loved me cause she worked and went to school but when I had my daughter and I held her I knew right then she loved me I am so thankful for my little girl She helped to fill a void in my heart. I think of my mother daily when my little girl does things I wish I could share with her. I wonder if any of you still talk to your mother It may sound silly but it seems like shes always been gone so I talk to her and write her letters, Its my way of coping I guess. I dream of her every now and then. im sure someone understands, l will always love my mom.
I found a fb group called “Motherless Daughters.” There are several groups that have similar names, but the one I joined has 4,500+ members. Such a hard thing to read, yet comforting to know we’re not alone in missing our moms!
I think I’ll check it out, too….thank you for the suggestion, T. It is nice to know we’re not alone in how we feel, and I think it helps to reach out…even if it’s through FB messages.
I lost my beautiful mother on July-28-2012. She was only 71. She lived a model life; never drank, smoke, ate a healthy diet, and walked everyday. She had a lung condition called Pulmonary Fibrosis. We had never heard of this illness until she was contracted it 6 years ago. It was basically a death sentance. Every doctor we saw said there was no effective med and a lung transplant was our only option- and that was not 100%. They gave her 3 years and she lived 6. We never gave up hope-the last year of life she was in and out the hospital and was on oxygen 24/7. I was watching her waist away before my eyes. I still keep thinking she would be the exception, and beat this illness.
I loved my Mom more than words can express. She really was my best-friend. I shared everything with her. I have 3 brothers-one who battles a drug problem-my Mom never gave up hope for him. I took care of my Mother till the end. I held hand as she made her journey to the next life. I thought watching her take her last breath would comfort me- as I am a devout Catholic and thought I would feel the holy spirit- this was so not true. She gasped for breath and I could hear her drowing in her own fluids. There was nothing peaceful or beautiful about it. I have tried to erase this horrible image from mind, but it haunts me to this day. I could leave to die alone. She brought me into this world and would not leave her leave this world alone. I can’t seem to move forward- I try to put on strong front for my teenage son and my poor Dad. My Dad has suffered two heart attacks in the past 5 months and has moved in with me. He no longer drives because of vision problems from diabetic problems- and I am just overwhelmed, I feel I can never be fully happy again.. I miss her so much. I have dreamed of her and wake missing her so much. Beth are you on facebook.?
I need so much help!!!
Hi Robin…I just re-read your post tonight because I’m really missing my mom who passed Dec. 26th from lung cancer. Sometimes I visit this blog. How are you doing? Are you feeling slightly better? -Joan
My mom just passed away last week at 93 with pulmonary fibrosis. I knew this was a debilitating disease but I never put it together that she would only have 2 years left. I called her every day and visited her at home or in the hospital all the time. Yet I feel that I wasn;t there for her as I had to still go to work. this pain is like nothing I ever imagined. I am so happy she is gone in that there is no more suffering but I can’t believe the size of the hole in my hearts. How are you getting through all this.
I just lost my mother to Pulmonary Fibrosis January 9th. She was also lived a model life. She was just 71 and lived with the disease for 5 years. It was tough seeing her suffer during her last few months, but I’m glad she’s at peace now. My father is 80 and not in the best of health, so I know his day is coming soon. It sounds like we are sharing similar experiences. In honor of our mother, hang in there and be strong.
Even though no one knows how we feel its still nice to know someone is out there suffering from all of this stress and pain of losing your mother
My live-in girlfreind, 25, just lost her Mom this past Sunday 02/17/2013. My soul aches for the pain she is enduring. I usually wake up crying because of the pain I witnessed and hear. If there is anything I’ve learned in this short few days that could be used by others closest to those greiving is that the greiving process is unique to each individual and its important to remove any selfish feelings of your own and let it be known that you are there. Let them come to you when they feel they need something. Act as a tool for their using. Be the safety net that catches them. I love you Nicole and I’ll always here when its time to come home. -Josh
That is amazing advice. She is lucky to have a man at her side who is understanding and “there”. That is the most important thing. It will take a while, but one day she will slowly start coming back to being more herself. Very moving, what you posted. Keep strong and Your girlfriend and family all the best!
I wanted to thank you for this article. It’s poignant, and true. Life events and other’s deaths do make for a “re-loss” as it were. I know because my mother died from cancer when I was 7 y.o. and I have experienced this first-hand since. I was wondering if you had any advice for how to cope on graduation day and any suggestions on remembering her at my graduation party where hardly anyone except family knew her. If you did, I would sincerely appreciate it.
Thank you for this article- I was adopted at age 5 and never met my biological mother- I searched 6 months ago and found her-I am 44 years old- unfortunately….she died before I got to meet her of MS. I got the devastating news in August of 2013 and i still cry daily for “loss of mommy”. Not meeting her makes the loss of mommy even greater. I am one f many adoptees who “find a grave” I appreciated the post and it touched my heart to read the many replies also. Thank you
Hi everyone, i happened to be scrolling through the website late at night looking for some comfort and stories similar to mine, and i have found it. I was 13 when my mum died and i remember my dad taking it so bad that i focused on trying to keep him strong. Many nights as a teenager i would watch my dad through the open doorway as he clutch on to a photo of my mum and he would be crying, in a way i think that what made me get through day to day. Then my dad passed away when i was 23 years old it was like i had lost my world. I am now 33 and have 2 beautiful boys of my own and am going through a scary time with my health and as it says above, its times when you are at these hospital appointments that i wish i had my mother there to hold my hand and say, everything will be okay, and also when it gets to much it would be good to pick up the phone just here he say those words again… it has been 20 years since my mother passed and i still think that for many years to come i will still grieve and have the same pain as i do today.
thank you for your stories and god bless.x
I lost my mother o February 01/2013. It is indeed very difficult when people try to quantify your grief and expects you to act with niormal social courtsey.
I want to thank everyone for sharing their experiences; I think many of us have been helped in some way, myself too. I am 33 and my 58-year-old mother died of very aggressive brain cancer on February 17. She suddenly collapsed on December 23, 2012 from pressure in her skull and was soon diagnosed as terminal. We spent our favorite holidays taking care of her, her condition progressing faster than we could keep up with. We hadn’t even really had time to fully accept the fact she was dying. It’s just 2 weeks since she passed and I don’t know what else do to but let myself cry and be angry. I know this immediate agony will lessen as everyone likes to tell me, but it’s never going to be ‘normal’ again. I worry for my sister and father too, and I promised Mom I would take care of them. We are just trying to hold each other up right now. It’s helpful to learn what we might expect to feel a year or a few years from now even. I want to check out that Facebook group too. My sympathies to all of you.
I have just lost my mother 2 days ago on March 5. I am 26 years old and I feel so lost. I am glad that she is no longer sick as she had been suffering from MS for 12 years and died of a complication of her body being weakened by the MS. She passed away at home asleep in her own bed. Even with this I still cannot believe that she if gone. Her death was so sudden and unexpected, I am just not sure what to do. Her memorial is on Saturday and I feel over whelmed by everything that needs to be done. All I keep thinking is she was just 49 she should still be here.
I keep thinking about what we had last spoke about when I last saw her. I told her that my husband and I were going to begin trying to get pregnant within the next year since we are coming up on our 1st wedding anniversary. She was so excited and she couldn’t wait to see her first grandchild. Now I will never get to see her face when I do become pregnant. I keep thinking why did this have to happen. Why couldn’t she stay around for a little while longer. I know this will get easier over time but I know it will never go away fully. I am always going to miss my mother but I know that she is looking over me as I continue through life.
I know that my father’s and I relationship is going to change as we begin new lives with out my mother since it revolved much around taking care of her. I am relieved now she is gone and I know she is happy as well that we no longer have that burden but I feel guilty for feeling this way. My husband tells me that is natural to feel relieved and tells me that she wanted this for us well. My husband has been around for the last 4 years of her life and is very much involved himself with my mother and he knows there is no reason to feel guilty. I still do feel guilty though.
I am hoping once we get past the memorial and say our final good byes things will get a little easier. I know its going to be a long road.
I lost my mother when I was 9; just a few weeks from my 10th birthday. She was diagnosed with a stage 3 sarcoma tumor just a couple years before she passed. She was pregnant with my little sister when it was discovered. She died when my little sister was 1 1/2 y.o. . I saw her suffer through the agony of chemo side effects and losing her hair. In a family of 7 kids, I am the middle child. Us kids had so much faith that she would recover and I prayed every night that she would survive and stay with us! I was in denial, I suppose, but also very uneducated on the matter as would be expected for a 9 y.o. I put all of these feelings in the back of my memory for many years and lived my teen life not thinking about it, at all. My dad, a very closed off, doesn’t talk about his feelings type of man, never really talked about her; When he, very rarely, brings her up in conversation, he refers to her by her first name rather than “your mom”. That hurts. I have many regrets with the circumstances that surrounded her passing. She spent her last days(weeks) at home, on hospice. I remember her asking me to hold a cup of water for her while she brushed her teeth. I was disgusted and didn’t want to do it. I had an attitude about it. I don’t know why i would act this way, but i feel so bad! At the time, i just wanted to push all the pain away of watching her suffer and pretty much ignored her. I spent all of my time outdoors, avoiding having to be inside the house. She went into a coma for a few days, before she finally passed. It still didn’t click then how serious this was, and that she was actually dying! The morning of her passing, I could hear my older sister and my dad discussing how they will break the news to us little kids. I thought i was dreaming this conversation as i buried my head deeper in the pillow and crawled under the blanket. My dad, 44 at the time, touched my shoulder to wake me, and quietly said ” your mom is gone, she passed” as his voice broke and he dropped his head”. This is all so clear in my head, like it just happened yesterday! I just rolled over in bed and layed there, broken but numb! I still went to school that day. My dad tried to tell me i didn’t have to attend that day, but I insisted. It was WASL testing, and I just had to be there. I wanted to be away from the truth, the pain, the sadness. I wanted to escape. At school, i was so quiet that day. My teacher had found out, somehow, and approached me at lunchtime in the hallway and confronted me. I denied it to her and told her ” i have no idea what you are talking about.” She sent me to the shcool counselor for a group session; he put a candy bowl in front of me while the girl next to me vented about the loss of her dog. Mother’s day was just a few weeks after her death, and it was torturous to watcht the kids in class make mother’s day cards and stare at me, knowing that i was motherless. I was embarrassed, but i shouldn’t have been! I should have gladly made a card and took it to her grave. I don’t know why that wasn’t suggested. I ended up just making a card that had nothing to do with mother’s day. I said nothing. The funeral, i did not attend. I refused. I just wanted to go to school. I did not want to see her be put in the ground. I knew that it was final. I somehow convinced myself that it was all a mistake, someone would call and say she hadn’t died, and that she was just still in the coma. I puked mmy guts out on the schoolbus that day, and listened to the busdriver yell for me to aim at the trash while the kids around me laughed, groaned, and pointed. I don’t discuss everything that i felt those few days surrounding her death, very often. I did not want the pity and also did not want to revisit the feelings. The last few years, though, i have been struggling with her death as if it was recent. I am 24 now and have two children and in a rocky marriage. I feel like i have a void in my heart, or a pit in my soul. I am missing my mom and think about her often. Her face is so fresh in my memory and i lone to hear her voice and even miss her smell. It saddens me that she isn’t here to share the joys of my children, or see how happy they make me. I read this blog because i was looking for answers as to why i feel this pain, now. It is true that you never get over it! NEVER. I definetely believe that i bypassed one of the stages of the greiving process, that has resurfaced lately with all of the changes that i have endured in my life the past couple years. I kept wondering what it would be like to just call her for advice, or stop in and visit with her and play with the kids, or cook together. She loved to bake. This blog, just gave me a little more insight as to the meaning of my recent struggles with her loss despite the many years that have passed. I don’t wish this type of pain/experience on anyone. I hope to get my hands on the book “Motherless Daughters”. Reading it will help me make more sense of why this is all coming back now. It is so true that ” in childhood daughters don’t appreciate their mothers when they are young until they themselves become wives/mothers.”
I understand completely. My dear mother was my touchstone. The only person who could completely understand any of my problems and say the magic words that made me feel, if nothing else, that someone totally understood. I cared for her the last 4 years while going through other very stressful times, and although she always said I was the one who gave her the best care, I remember times when I was not as patient as I should have been. Not often, and I’m sure she understood but I will always regret. I always tried to keep her entertained with the latest news, etc., she had the sharpest mind!! incredible. I watched as her world went from working full time until 87 years old, then losing her husband (my dear dad), then going on oxygen and not being able to work but still fighting every day to walk and exercise to finally in the last few months sitting in her chair dealing with bedsores, nausea, fogginess, and having trouble breathing, and only holding on for her girls. It went downhill suddenly in Feb 2013 and we lost her Feb 13. I think my dad was waiting for her and wanted to take her out for Valentine’s Day. I am totally, completely lost without her. I have my sisters, but as many have mentioned, we are all on different levels, thought we have vowed to keep together because mom wanted that. She only held on for us. She sacrificed her whole life for us and was such a brave, strong, sweet woman. Everyone who knew her said she was a saint. I truly do not know how I will live without her and quite frankly, am not sure I want to. I truly identify with all of you and wish you well. I talk to her all of the time. I just decorated the house for Easter (much of it are things she gave me) and I asked her how she liked it. Glad to know people like you don’t think I’m crazy. I just remember all of her suffering and how her world got smaller and smaller until she couldn’t get out of her chair anymore and know she is now healthy and happy, in a better world. What a fighter! Not me, I’m a wimp! I understand life will never be the same again. I drove 60 miles round trip to her house and she would always call to make sure I got home OK. Oh, my lord, I miss those sweet calls! I miss everything. Love you, Mom.
Hi everyone. I don’t know how many are subscribed to receive new comments but hopefully some of you will read this message. I want to tell you how moved I am by this discussion and let you know a few things.
First, we’ve been working on updating the website and a few comments from the last week were lost in the process. I apologize wholeheartedly for this. If you don’t see your comment here, please feel free to repost it and it should be safe now. The site is now in its new home and should run smoother, with a shorter response time. Readership has grown so much and the old location couldn’t keep up.
I also want to say that it’s been so difficult to read your stories of loss and grief over the past six months. This original post you see here was written before I received my own diagnosis of stage 4 breast cancer. The writing I do now is so much an effort to leave a legacy for my children after I die.
My oldest child is a girl, now 14 (the others are boys, ages 11 and 7). I do not know how long I will live, hopefully years, but knowing the loss that all of you have experienced and knowing it will come to my children at a young age has been difficult. I hear your pain, I know I will inflict it on my children too. I wish it were not the case. All I can do is try to explain to them how I feel and try to give them wisdom and love in words for the day when I am no longer here to speak it. I guess I’m trying to do the reverse of what you all are doing… you are here reaching out to mourn your moms… I am the mom reaching out to mourn for my kids, and for myself… that I cannot be here for them as long as I want, as long as they deserve to have me.
Your comments really are so full of love and loss and grief… thanks for sharing your stories and providing a community to each other here. It’s not easy. The hole can never be filled. But as a mom I know I do not want my children to be stuck in their grief. I want them to remember be happy doing what I loved most… caring for them, raising them, teaching them, loving them. I know that’s what your moms would want too.
Lisa
Lisa, I am so moved by your reply— for the compassion and concern you’re feeling for all of us while you have so much on your plate. What a fantastic mom and person you are. I hope you have many, many years ahead in this life! -Joan in Kansas City (my mother passed to Heaven Dec. 26th, 2012.)
Reading everyone’s post has touched me so much, I lost my mum to cancer almost 10 months ago and Im really struggling, I have 4 brothers I am the only girl in the family and she was my best friend… Ive met the love of my life and we are planning on tieing the knot soon but when I think about It i get so sad that mum can’t be here to help me, I feel so down and I havent been letting myself grieve through this time, Im still in shock to everything and i dont know what to do.. Im 25 and I still need my mums guidance Im not ready to go into this world without her.. I just feel lost and alone, I dont talk to anyone about how i feel because i dont know what to say.. I just miss her and Id do anything to have her back 🙁 I pray that God places his peace in all our hearts and gives us the strength we need…
Diana
I am so sorry for everyone’s loss. I am 27, I lost my mom 20 months ago to a massive brain anurysm. It was behind her frontal lobe and between the two hemispheres of her brain. She lived 6 hrs away. I had just spoken to her the night before. . Her phone was dying so she was going to put it on to charge and call me back. A few minutes later she texted me and said she had a sudden bad headache was going to lay down and would call in the morning. I waited all morning called and text her. Finally I got a call back. It was her husband. He said for me to come now to the hospital up there she was sick. She had fell when he was outside he came in found her called for help. But he didn’t call me until they had already moved her to a larger hospital hours later. I made a 8hr drive to the big hospital in 2 1/2 hrs. I called my dad crying. I didn’t know what had happened yet but I knew it had to do with her headache. I was with her for 6 days I didn’t eat or sleep I drank cokes and energy drinks and sat with her. They said she couldn’t come back from it. But she cried when we sang to her. She would move our hands the way we said.. she fought hard. She was an organ donor so they asked her husband to make the call. I begged him not to. But he did. She wouldn’t stop breathing on her own. No longer a canidate they said but at this point they had taken 2/3 of ger blood to donate. At 6am they took out her tubes gave her morphine and laid her down. It was 6 hrs of more meds and she fought. I went out to the parking lot to call my daughter at her birthday party to say happy birthday. The sun was out but it was misting rain. I looked up and told my mom it was okay to go we would be okay.Then at 2pm she passed. I held her hand.. and cried. There is more to this story but that’s all I can handle sharing right now. We weren’t always close but the last 5 yrs we talked daily. She was my rock my laughter my wisdom. I miss her daily. Sometimes you forget she is gone and you call her number or you hear her voice. Sometimes you see her in your reflection or hear her in your words but you will always miss her hug her smell her laugh her guidance… I have 4kids ages 3-10, they all know who Nana is and she is dearly missed.
Lisa you are such an inspiration to all of us mums your post is truly heartfelt! I pray you live many many years for your kids.
This blogpost on motherless daughters is a such a life thread to me. I to am mourning the loss of my mum my best friend! When she died about 18 months ago my heart was broken and it still is! I am a mum of 3 girls and I try to emulate her in all I do but I miss her so severely at times I can’t ” keep it together ” but when I read your post and the posts of others it is truely encouraging!
Antoinette
Thank you to everyone who has shared on this site. I just lost my best friend and mother who had ALS for 22 years and then fought off breast cancer 5 years ago, only to be diagnosed one month ago with advanced liver cancer. She died 2 weeks after the diagnosis on April 2, 2013. She had been so strong through all her other trials, but could not fight this one. She was 88, but I was a caregiver for her for the last 11 years. It was so hard to watch her just give up and have to take morphine for the horrible pain she had. It was heart wrenching to watch her die. Even though I know in my head that I did a lot for her and she is in a better place, I still wish with all my heart I had done more and I miss her so much!! She loved me unconditionally and was my biggest fan! I love you and will always miss you, Mom!
I too lost my mum about 6 weeks ago. I took her to a and e and they said she had a mini stroke. It would resolve itself in 24 hours. They kept her in the resus ward to monitor her as she had a couple of tia’s a few years before. I left the hospital mid afternoon as I was tols she was fine. I
rang later on that evening to be told she was fine. 1 hour later she had an acute stroke and died. I’m devastated. I feel like a child again who wants her mummy. My husband was diagnosed with cholangiocarcinoma at Christmas and she was my rock. I feel like I can’t go on without her. Wendy
I lost my mum on the 27th march 2013. She was only 62. The hardest thing for me was this was just prior to Easter. I thought that i had my mum with me for another 20 years. As i am a personal carer i thought it was duty of care to look after my parents. My mum was everything to me from my mum to my best friend. She was also my rock and my protector. We stood by each other through everything. She was there with me when I had my two children and watched me get married twice. I rang my mum on numerous occasions during the day cause If I remembered something or the kids did something I would have to tell her straight away. I took mum to a&e where we talked to drs and then I watched my whole world turn upside down. I found myself watching my mum slip away from me right there and then when they rushed her to resus and I’m signing the paperwork to send her to theater. I was ringing my dad to tell him to get to the hospital. I got the call then to say that mum was dying and it won’t be long. Dad and my husband and kids arrived to sit with her before she died half hour later.. I try everyday at the moment to be strong for everyone in my family but found I came into a freeze and now find myself sitting anywhere and just cry as mum and I went shopping and just driving.
I will always have my mum in my heart and my thoughts and would always take her memory with me everywhere I go.
Love and miss her every day xxxx
Nic
its difficult to start for me, my mum passed away when i was only 4 months now i am 33 every years it make me a pain where mothers day come, i had never seen her how she looks but still i love her from the core distance of my heart. my grand parents brought me up and i used to called my grandmom as a mom. today i liked to share my feeling to all my friends but i don’t get any good message to write. can u pls suggest me how can i write my feeling
Wow, after reading this, I am realizing I am not the only one who’s lost her mo at 25 and fears that in the future I will feel saddened at my wedding, give birth to my first child, or graduation day from nursing school. My Mom battled cancer for 3yrs and unfortunately lost the battle April 16, 2013. We got to spend one last bday together, which was on the 8th of April but with Mother’s Day approaching, it is killing me she is not around for us to celebrate. Rather then shop and take her out for dinner, I get to pick out flowers for her grave. That’s all I can really do now. Does it truly get easier? I feel as the days go by I feel more alone and saddened by her loss. Pushing people away is easier and helps prevent my mood swings, in which I hate. I know losing her was for the best, I hated watching her die slowly, but I feel that even though I told her its okay to let go, Wow she listened and now feel abandoned. I’m afraid to get close to someone and relive what I lived with my mom past weeks, it’s hard, I was there for her until the very end through the ups and downs. Been a hell of a roller coaster, but now she finally is resting in peace, no more chemo, needles, appts, nothing. But damn I miss her like crazy. : (
I just lost my mom on April 18th, 2013. It’s not even a month and I have to say the sadness that I feel is over powering. I am 44, she was 72… not 73, LOL! I have to laugh as I so vividly remember mistakenly accusing her of being 73 shortly before she passed, and BOY did she set me straight. Of course my reply was “Oh Mah, what’s the difference…” In searching out this post/blog, I was researching the grieving process for a mother. I am fairly intelligent, I don’t suppose you could put a time frame on that, and I know that. This pain and grief is just so DEEP, for lack of better words, I needed to read something and validate in some way what I am going threw, as again it is that deep. Anyway this was a great post for the moment, as the perspective of my relationship with her did not die just because she did, that will go on forever and did bring me some solace in realizing that all is not lost. Thank you… xo
I haven’t lost my mum yet but, she was recently diagnosed with a very advanced and aggressive cancer and the doctors expect her to live for another half a year only. I cannot stop thinking about her coming death, her last breath. I wonder if I will just find her dead one morning or if she will get really bad and die after some painful days in the hospital. She will not be here to see me getting married or to meet her grandchildren. This is so hard, I do not know how to deal with it. It is somewhat comforting reading that there are many of you who have been through the same, but I do not think I’m as strong to overcome my mothers death.
My heart goes out to everyone here. My mom is still with me, but she has severe pain and disability. She has been suffering for much of her life and nearly all of mine. I am 31 and my mom is 59. The past few years have been extremely hard as we have been in and out of the hospital a lot for various things and she’s been getting treatments which aren’t working like we’d hoped. There have been many times I thought I was going to lose her, and have thought about her death a lot. At times I pray for God to end her suffering, but I can’t bear to think of my world without her. I cherish every moment but also cry all the time and she is still here.
About 6 months ago my best friend’s mom was diagnosed with an aggressive brain cancer and is now on home hospice with little time left to live. Her mom is a wonderful woman and has been like a mother to me. We live close by and I am also a doctor. Because of this, and because I am so close with my friend and her family, I have been very involved. At one point her mom was admitted to the hospital where I work. My friend, who is engaged and was supposed to get married this year, is one of the most amazing, strongest people I know. She has always been there for me with my mom, and I am doing everything I can to be there for her. We talk all the time, we laugh and we cry, and we hold each other when there are no good words to say. I am so sad, it is all so devastating, and I know it’s only going to get harder.
I wish everyone here peace and comfort. Thanks for listening.
I keep trying to kid myself i’m dealing with the passing of my mum but continue to have moments like this where i break down and want to shut myself off from the world. I lost my beautiful best friend on January 9th this year and not one minute goes by that i don’t think of her. We had just celebrated her 52nd birthday and Christmas but she had stage 4 cervical cancer and devastatingly lost her battle after just 6 months.
I have an amazing family and partner but find it so hard to open up to others about my grief which is why i came here. All of these stories make me feel less alone and have almost given me some comfort in a way, that i am not the only one going through this. Nancy G, your point about no longer having to deal with needles, appointments etc really helped me tonight, as this particular form of pain for my mum was not something i had thought of since her passing but really is something i am so glad she no longer has to endure.
Watching her pass was by far the hardest for me. Although it was peaceful and i feel so privileged to have been there with her, the last week was awful. She could no longer speak or eat and the last few days her eyes were glazed over. We did manage to have one night with her where she was more coherent but she kept repeating how terrified she was and this continues to haunt me. I can’t quite shake this time from my memories and all i want is to be able to remember her the way she was – active, healthy, beautiful and fearless.
I know this will get easier with time but for now it is just so impossible. Thank you all for sharing your amazing stories and so much love to all of our mums xx
I am 25 soon to be 26. My mother and I were in a car wreck on April 1st 2013. She was driving and we were turning into her driveway. A foolish girl chasing her boyfriend went to pass us on a double yellow and t-boned right at my momma. My mom had to be airlifted after being cut from the vehicle she passed away on the 4th. She left behind 3 children and 4 grandchildren all 10 or under. Her youngest and only granddaughter will be 1 the 26th of this month. Its going to be very hard for my sister and all of us. Mother’s day was hard to get through without her. She was only 51 and the brightest star in our family, she held us all together. April 1st was my dad and her 10 year old grandsons birthday. That’s where we had been, birthday shopping. I had set my wedding days for September 21st my mom was going to be my maid of honor… now she’s not here to be there on what’s suppose to be one of the happiest days of my life. I have had to postpone it for now it’s something I just can’t endure without her right now. My dad is 65 and in bad health I was always worried he wouldn’t be here to walk me down, never once worried about my momma not being there. This is the hardest thing I’ve ever experienced. I miss her more and more everyday. I don’t see the pain ever easing she was taken so tragically and suddenly. She went through so much suffering in that hospital and from the impact of the wreck. The girl that hit us had her cell in her hand were waiting on her records to see if she was texting or what but she hasn’t shown any sympathy to my family and she’s still walking free. The hospital gave us so much hope as well saying over 90% chance and all they were suppose to be doing was replacing a tube. Then she was just gone. No one got to say goodbye. No one thought it would be goodbye. My whole family is having a hard time dealing with her loss. She was an amazing woman and mom. We all miss her terribly.
My mother died 8 months ago, I don’t know how to deal with it or what to do, I know that I need to address it and grieve I haven’t I went back to work and lived my life kind of like I’m in a state of shock still, I keep wanting to call her or go down the street to her house, I feel empty and angry. I too am an only child and I turned 25 eight days after my mother died, I had no idea it was coming I was at work and got a phone call and she fell at work and died instantly of a heart attack, my mother was my life I spoke to her everyday two or three times a day and even bought a house down the street to be closer to her, I just feel lost and I know I need help to deal with this but I dont know know where to find it.??
I lost my mom very unexpected! It has only been five weeks but feels like forever! I try to be strong every day for my three children but it is not working! All I want to do is talk about her! I feel that is not what friends and family want to do! I feel they just want to move in! When I try to talk about they don’t! Subjects are changed or texts not answered! I feel so alone! My mother was part of my daily life! We were always there for each other! I have a daughter with a disability and a lot of medical problems! She is always in the hospital! My mom was my support system! I could remember when my daughter was born my mom said its ok we will get through this together! My daughter is seven now! I feel I can’t do this without her! She is the only one who would always be there for me! I could go on forever! I am thankful I read ur stories I do not feel alone anymore! I will pray for all of you and that some kind of peace and comfort be brought upon each of us! Sorry for the rattling!
Hi Everyone
I can relate to every single one of your posts.I lost my wonderful mother just about two years ago.It was right around Mothers Day.She passed away of cancer.She was diagnosied in January and passed in May.Believe me no one understands.You must go through something like this yourself and then you can understand the pain.My friends do not really understand.They try their best though.My husband also tries.My son misses her dearly as she was nana.My mom was and is everything to me.She was my world.No one could ever replace her.I can’t even begin to explain the pain I feel every single day.I envy the ones that still have their moms.I am even jealous of them.They are so lucky and most of them don’t even realize it. I cry in my pillow every night.I miss my mom so so much.She would be so proud of her grandson.He is about to graduate from eight grade with honors.It will be a sad day for us both without my mom.I know she will be watching from Heaven and smiling down on him but its just not good enough.It will never be good enough.I want her here in person and I know that I can never have that.I can never have the one thing that I really need My Mom.I do know how each and every one of you feel.I feel the same way. I am completely lost without my mom.Thanks to all for listening.
I lost my mom on May 17,2013 on a Friday I found her dead laying in her bed at 9:25 a.m. she was only 55. She didn’t have cancer or a med problem. She just went to sleep and never woke up. I don’t know what to do I lost my best friend, and I lost my mom at the same time. I keep thinking about that morning over and over was there something I could of done or do. Why didn’t I hug her goodbye or tell her I love her more then dirt like she tells me all the time. All I said to her is I will see you tomorrow. I keep asking myself why her why my mom. Why did god take away my kids grandma cindy? Its killing me inside, but I have to put on a happy face infront of my kids. I kept myself so busy this past few weeks cleaning out her apartments, dealing with her service and all. Now that I am done what do I do now? I cant sleep or smile or even talk to people. I keep going over and over in my head that morning.
I Understand exactly how you feel, I don’t know what to do, or how to feel, my mother left me unexpected also, no health problems nothing now I have a million and one questions, things I wish I wouldve said or done before, and maybe I couldve helped her or saved her…but I didn’t or couldnt. I’m sorry I know how you feel and its not a good feeling, its a very empty feeling that no matter how hard I try I can’t fill the void or make it go away. I’m here if you need to talk or need a friend to scream, cry, or anything
Hi ! I lost my mom and best friend to cancer on May 11, 2011. It is just a little over two years now, but it feels like it was only yesterday. People always say things will get better.You need to give it time.I know that I will never feel the same.My world is forever changed.I don’t have my mom anymore.She mreant everything to me.We were very close and always were.If I was out late, she could not go to sleep until she knew that I was safe at home.She was very protective of me.She loved me that much! I loved her just as much.I still love and miss her so very much.I feel that I didn’t do enough to save her.I should have been able to save her! The last time she spoke to me was on Mother’s Day of 2011. She kept saying that she loved me and I was her baby.I hope she knew how much I loved her! I miss her so so much! Again, thanks everyone for listening.I really need friends who understand how I feel!
I’m 40 years old. I spoke called my mom on Mother’s Day 2013 and spoke to her for the last time. 3 hours later, she went into cardiac arrest. There is so much ambiguity around her death and I have so much anger. Three days later, we had to disconnect her and it was for her best interest. It was the most selfless decision to make. I stood by her bedside for 77 straight hours and have no regrets. I am in deep pain and miss her terribly. My two children miss her and I know Mother’s Day will never be the same, ever. Even through our ups and downs, we loved each other and I want her back. I’m torn between God’s will and my selfishness.
I lost my mom on her birthday, May 7, 2013. She had her first stroke a year ago on April 29. Today is a bad day for me and I can barely stop my tears. She and I lived together for ten years and like most adults we didn’t always agree. However she was my main parent after my parents divorced. I know intellectually that she didn’t like being paralyzed and unable to even eat solid food. She was ready to go and died here at home with me by her side. I know I’ll get better in time. I just didn’t know I would miss her so much. It is really hard.
I am now 15 but at the time I was 14.
One night everything was normal I got out shower and went to bed, at 1:OOam midnight I and my 3 sisters and brother got woke up by my uncle and a police officer my other little sister who was 2 staywd in her cot because she was going to umy uncles I felt abit awkward, I was confused as I went to bed with my mum and step dad downstairs, but apparantly my mumhad gone to her friends, when we was all down stairs I asked a police officer what was going on but he wouldn’t tell me anything, next minute there was about 7 police officers in my house ! I was scared ! Police ranf my real dad who was sleeping at his girlfriends and thepolice asked my dad to collect us so because my dad doesn’t drive my dads girlfriend came for us whilst my dad stayed at her house with her 2 ‘g°̩яℓ s aged 12 and 10, we went to my dads girlfriends and stayed the ight still confused about everyrhing, the next morning which was the last day of term 20th July 2012 and my dad came in woke us up an said he needed to tell us something, I asked to go and sit with donna in the kitchen with her ‘g°̩яℓ ș but he said I had to stay, his exact words he said to us was ‘ well your mum got rushed to hospital last night as she collapsed and was unconsious ! She was on a life machine for 7 ours but she passed away at 5am, her death : 20th July 2013 5am’ . I screamed and ran in to the kitchen my dads girlfriends kids was crying as there mum must of told them ! After about 10 minutes of crying I shook up and said I need to go to school and got changed and got a lift to school by donna. At school I cried and I stayed with my pe teacher all day, she looked after me really well and was very supportive. The 20th july 2012 was the worst day of my life. I was only 14 my was was only 36 !!!!!
My mother passed away in January 2012. I was scheduled to get married in June 2012. I ended up postponing the wedding because I wasn’t ready to do it without her. She was my life. I had been caring for since the day she had her heart attack a year prior. She lost her life suddenly to a blood clot in her heart pump before a heart became available for a transplant. I struggle with the fact that she was only 61 years old and she won’t get to be there for one of the most important days of my life. My fiancé has lost 1 friend and while that is horribly hard to deal with, he doesn’t understand how hard it is to lose a parent and best friend all in one. He didn’t know her before she got sick so while he met her and spent time with her, I feel like he didn’t know the person I always knew. This story really touched me and made me think about things in my own life as well. I don’t think I will ever be completely ok to go through with the wedding without her but when I do get married, I plan to incorporate her as much as possible without making it a total memorial. What my biggest fear is is having to tell my future children about her knowing they will never get to meet her and see if for themselves and they won’t really understand. I think the advice so many of you have left is wonderful and I plan to use it in my life as well. I hope my story helps someone in their journey as others stories have helped me.
My mother died on Dec. 2, 2012. I thought that I had everything under control after she passed away: taking care of my business, taking care of my home, and socializing with my friends. Recently, I discovered that I have been burying my true feelings for I feel lost, unappreciated, and uncomforted without my mother by my side. Even though we had our hard times, I knew that she truly loved me. My mother came to live with me after a stroke and I took care of her for one year and would gladly do it all over again for it was an honor to do so. My mother passed away suddenly after a fall at a rehab. center and I guess I’m feeling much guilt about it thinking that I shouldn’t have taken her there. I didn’t think that feeling this kind of grief could feel so deep and intense and am not sure how to handle it. I am good at hiding my feelings to myself and seem to only allow my grief to surface when I go to bed at night.
It is my Mums Birthday tomorrow. She has been gone now for just over 5 years. It is a very hard time and I can’t stop thinking about how much I miss her. My Dad is making it very difficult now as he continually tells me he has moved on. I don’t know what he means. It makes me feel that he doesn’t want me in his life anymore and that his previous life with my Mum never existed. Sometimes I feel silly for feeling this way because I am now 38 and have a supportive husband and 3 beautiful daughters. I have lost my beautiful caring mother, I don’t want to lose my dad as well…
Losing my mother to death has been especially hard in many ways, closing June 26th, 2013 as 18 yrs! Becoming a motherless grieving teen at young age of 15 to my 3 month old sister. Angery, sad, and lost, with addition to being a victim of bullying both in and out of school the worst from my father who belittled my worthines to the lowest. however today, I am proud to acknowledge and state- I have felt guilty for truly not appreciating all that she did for me over the years growiing up as a child. I am always missing her advice and unconditional love. Losing my mother has also forced myself to confront my own mortality of feeling older becoming vulnerable to the negative surrounding me. After several years of feeling drained from life’s demands, I began to realize that I was suffering from Depression since the loss of my mother and just making the best with I physically, mentally and spirtiually can adhere to.
Teenagers perceive death in much the same way adults do. However, they may react in a dramatic manner, by misbehaving or acting out. They may engage in dangerous activities in an attempt to defy death. The teenage years are already hard on the child, without the added burden of significant grief. Peer influence is so important at this age that teens may resent or feel embarrassed about the death, because it impacts their normal comfortable social life. These stressors may lead a teen to feel “different” or isolated from their friends. Teens may deal with this by trying to distract themselves or by “turning off” their grief. They may act as if nothing has happened when in reality, they are torn up inside. It may be hard to draw teenagers out and get them to express their grief in a healthy manner.
Complicated Grief is the type of loss I had to deal with over the last 18 years. This is when the grieving process does not progress over time as it should. The intensity of feelings and length of time is severe and prolonged and interferes with your ability to function. You may even fall into a true depression or anxiety disorder. The hallmark of complicated grief is that the thoughts, reactions and behaviors do not change or improve as time goes on. Most people know when they are stuck in a grief that will not resolve. Complicated grief usually will not conclude on it’s own, and requires the help of a professional counselor to resolve it.
I guess I never figured out how to fit together the life I had before with the one ahead. I tried to just forget it, but I couldn’t. I keep waiting for things to get better, but they didn ‘t. I wished it never happened and hoped it wouldn’t again, but I knew it could. I tried to go back to my old life, but I really want to go back to that old life. But it was not working. I kept on fighting endless symptoms. But who was I kidding? I was fighting myself. I was lying to myself and I didn’t believe anyone. Stop. Healing isn’t automatic. Time is not a magic eraser that makes bad thoughts and feelings go away. Accept that your old life and your new experience don’t fit together. I knew that I was going to get better. But I was prepareing to have to work at it.
The grieving process is a very personal and individual thing. My unique relationship with my mother, and the manner in which she died has dictated the length and depth of my “roller coaster ride”. There was no healthy way to shorten the process; there are was no short cuts to the resolution of my grief. There was also no “normal” amount of time for mourning. Some people adjust to a new life in a matter of months. Others take a year or more, or up to 2 years or longer to complete their grieving. Most take a year or two. Even after you are “done”, you may experience grief feelings from time to time, especially during special dates and anniversaries, or during holidays. Expect it.The end of grief does not mean that you forget your beloved, or cease to love them. When you experience a tragic loss, it breaks your heart.
The grieving process creates change in your life and in yourself that allows you to gradually relinquish your need for the lost one. Grief helps you come to terms with this, and to refocus your energies toward the future. Grief is not about “returning to normal”. You will never be the same as you were. Grief is about finding a new life order for yourself. As hard as it was to believe, the pain eventually eased up and is allowing myself to reinvent my life and my identity. I am trying to reinvest in life and find myself to plann for the future with some degree of joy in being alive. I have begun to sense some new beginnings; experience a new dawning of life that hopefully will slowly replaces the previous despair and desolation and darkness.
As I regain my mental well- being, I have discovered that creating artwork following a tragic loss can be very therapeutic, helping one to express and release thier own painful, stressful emotions. Accessing these emotions is not always easy by talking, by using words. You may try to talk it all out, get it off your chest, yell and scream out in your anger and grief. But in the end, the feelings still sit there. Why? Because your left-brain’s verbal language is limited in it’s vocabulary, leaving your true emotions literally unexpressed. To access and release your real feelings, you have to use the right-brain’s language of imagery… through artwork. So I have opened my mind to this and you will find much comfort in my unique expression of artwork! So with this said, I dedicate the following to my loving mother and to life in general! I am loving myself a little more each & everyday………….
Love & Miss My Mother-My Guardian Angel
I lost my mother on the 27 May very suddenly! I feel so empty, it feels like something inside of me has been ripped out and my life will never be the same again! It’s terrible and no-one will ever understand the loss of a mother until you have experienced it yourself. To everyone who has lost their mother, I understand and feel your pain completely!
I lost my mother on 1/2/08. I still miss her terribly. I was an only child of divorced parents and we spent so much time together. I have such a hole in my heart that no one can fill. After she died and I have gotten older, I have appreciated so many things about her that I didn’t think much about such as her being our only bread winner for our little family and the sacrifice of all of that work. I wish that I could share all that I have learned. I miss her unconditional support, encouragement and never-ending love she gave to me. She was my biggest cheerleader. I also miss her voice, hugs and just her presence. The grief never really ends.
My mother passed in April after many years of COPD. Every year her health declined until she eventually needed the care of a nursing home. I was a faithful visitor as mom just wanted “to go home” . She gradually grew accustomed to the nursing facility but that is because dementia was taking over. On Easter day mom got pneumonia (again) and just did not have the strengh to fight any more. She never got out of bed after that and declined each day. I visited before and after my work and tried to encourage her to eat and drink and needed to be fed by hand. Eventually she just started sleeping more and more and that is when I would crawl into bed with my mama and just hold her, sing hymns and just cry. Mama eventually became comatose but did still respond to pain. The last 3 days of her life I spent day and night with her never leaving her side. My siblings and I watched helplessly as she began to struggle to breathe and gurgle. Morphine was used to make her more comfortable. Death is not pretty as in the movies. I wanted to run and hide and I watched her breathe less and less. Breath became shallow and sporatic and noisy. I wanted to throw myself across her and beg her not to leave me although I knew it was time. We could have heard a pin drop as life drained from her and she became pale. She was gone. Only then did I throw myself across her and cry. It has been a couple of months now and I cry every day for her. She was 78 when she passed. She was my best friend and a wonderful giving mother. The only comfort I find is reading “Proof of Heaven.”
I lost my mom on 20-4-2013,on her 68th birthday. My parents n i along with my daughter and my brother’s family were holidaying in Kashmir.since morning she had been recieving bday wishes. V all had tea together(which she made for us). Then v all went to ur respective rooms to get ready for the day.she went in to take a bath n within a minute called out to my dad to bring her out. She walked out with him n sat on the bed n just collapsed. My poor unsuspecting father thought she had fainted. But she was actually no more. Losing her like this was a bolt from the blue. She was in perfect health, most regular with yoga. I just ask for strength for my father.
I found this website today as this marks the two year anniversary of the most special woman to me and many others of her passing …..my Mom. Like many of the posts here no matter what age we always miss our dear Moms who nurtured us, listened and more importantly were always there for us.
The circumstances were quite unique in that my Father had passed away unexpectedly 4 months earlier. My Mom had so much FAITH that she told me not once but twice that my deceased Father had came back, awoke her – he was present by her bedside – and said to join him. This was before she was diagnosed with colon cancer.
I can say that in the two years…each day you never forget. I know she surrounds me with rainbows, shining rays from reflections in the sun and most of all a warmth. We had talked about how she was going to provide signals to me and those were the things she wanted! And wow….I experienced the MOST vibrant rainbow end for end one day that literally cars were pulling over and taking pictures of…I had no camera and I see rainbows on my ceiling from reflections, crystal bracelets I wear each day and my cat observing “something unseen” around me. He will look and meow…watch for the signs.
For me….I was able to find a wonderful therapist who I was able to work with. I advise everyone to take care of yourself – your soul, your mind, your body – never be afraid to see advice or help. There are many wonderful resources for each of us.
In peace….
I lost my mother to cancer when I was 19 when she was just 49, that was 30 years ago. I turned 49 this past year and it was a very difficult year worrying that I too would get cancer and leave my teenage daughter. WHen I reflect back on my life and all the major events I have experienced with out her it makes me terribly sad for all that I have missed without her. THe pain that I experienced during the years she was sick and then died are still so fresh even now. I have been so blessed with a large family and wonder sisters and a wonderful mother in law who have help bridge the gulf of the loss that I have had. I look forward to seeing her one day when I too will be going home to be with God.
This post and the comments really got to me. Especially what Rita wrote about not being able to grieve for a mother.
I lost my mother 18 years ago, a couple of months before my 10th birthday. She was diagnosed with breast cancer two weeks after finding out she was pregnant with my youngest sister in early 1993. Her doctors wanted her to have an abortion in hopes it would improve her chances, but on the scheduled day she and my father decided she didn’t want to take her baby’s life for her life, especially since there were no guarantees. She lived until 1995 after lots of chemo, remission, and then discovering the cancer was back and had metastasized to other parts of her body. I remember my parents telling me she had a brain tumor and asking why they couldn’t just remove it. They told me it would just grow back, I still didn’t believe that she would die.
I remember the morning she died, saying good bye to her before school and her telling me she loved me. Shortly after lunch, I was called to the office and a friend of my parents picked me up and took me home. My mom was no longer conscious and very close to death. I remember counting seconds between her breath, they were longer and longer until she stopped. I was in shock, although I knew she was sick, I prayed every night for her to get better and hadn’t accepted that she was going to die.
My father began dating the woman he would eventually marry 4 months after her death and they married about two years later. My siblings and I weren’t allowed to talk about my mom, have pictures of her, she was completely shut away, off limits to talk about, as my new step mother had/has severe mental issues and apparently could not cope with us talking about my mom. It was as though she saw her as competition, even though she was no longer alive. To this day she refers to her as my “birth mother”, something that irritates me to no end. For years I stuffed my feelings and memories and just didn’t deal with it. I kept shoving it further and further down. I eventually developed bulimia as a way to deal with my feelings and suffered with that for 5 years and it’s something that still is a challenge for me. I wonder the person I would have been had my mom lived.
It’s only been in the last few years that I’ve started letting myself grieve my loss. I’m getting married next year and know that it will be a difficult time without her, as will the coming milestones of eventually having my first child and when I turn 35 (the age my mom was when she died). I desperately hope to have a daughter one day to have the mother/daughter relationship I crave. This is the first time I’ve written this out and I hope it helps someone else realize it’s okay to grieve and there is no time limit on it. I’ve come to accept that I will never be “okay” with my mom’s death, I’ll never stop missing her and that’s okay.
I am so sorry for your loss. Your story really moved me, made me sad for you and the way you have been constrained in expressing not only your grief but your love and continued devotion to your mother (yes, mother, not “birth mother”!).
I know what is in your heart cannot be squelched. Nor should it. Getting married and having children will be bittersweet. But I would predict every event, happy and sad, have been that way for you since she died.
Of course there are no magic words of comfort… But I did want to say that I have heard what you have said. And you are not alone. Thank you for sharing.
My mother also passed away. I was 7 years old when she over dosed on heroin. We were not able to have a good relationship before she passed. I feel so lost and hurt. Sometimes more for her taking the opportunity to have a loving mother/daughter relationship away for me. I am very much scared to get married or have children. I can only imagine the pain of her absence because I am so sad just thinking all she has already missed.
My wife lost her mother two days after she gave birth to our first child. My mom is still alive but it is not the same. She seems different she has lost a lot of hope. How can I as a husband help her through this. It hurts my heart. I pray about it. I would like to hear from someone who has gone through this
Hi Mtidor,
I can sympathize with your wife.I have also lost my mother.We were very, very close.She was my world and my best friend.It has been two years since she left me , and it is still very painful.My heart is still broken, and it always will be.She was my mom and no one can ever replace her.As her husband, I know you must want to help her and make the pain go away.Just know that you can’t make her pain go away, but you can still be there for her.Just let her cry if she needs to, hold and comfort her, let her talk about her mom as much as she wants.Just don’t tell her that time will heal everything, because it doesn’t. You just learn to cope and go on for the ones that still need you, especially your children.She will always miss her mom and may never seem the same especially if she was as close to her mom as I was to mine.Just know that she loves you and her child .She just misses her mom and always will.Be there for her and let her know she is loved.That’s about all you can do.My heart goes out to your wife.Believe me, I understand exactly how she feels.The pain can be unbearable when you lose your mom.I am truly sorry for your wife’s loss!
I am an only child who never married-My Mother had 6 miscarriages and tried for 13 years to have me. My MOther was healthy her whole life, walking and exercising, watching what she ate. With no cancer in her family, suddenly at 81 years young, on my birthday was told she had weeks to live. I stopped working, took care of her night and day-she died in my arms-some say how lucky I was to have her die in my arms-but I feel so alone-the doctor told me its time to find my own life now-but I don’t know how to do that without her… Daddy died in 2006-he was the most amazing man ever. I know I will never be happy again, but one day, I hope God allows me to smile once in a while. The mind will make the body sick-I am proof of that…but I’m not going to give up. I owe them that for fighting to have me for 13years…
i know exactly what thats like. i lost my mother when i was 10 she died of a stroke im 27 now but i still cry about it here and there. stay strong!
I just recently lost my mom 3 weeks ago exactly today, on July 14th 2013. My mom was a single mother to my 6 year old sister And I. My sister and I dont talk to our dad, nor do i have any intrest in speaking or seeing him again; but its hard to be complety parent-less now. My mom was only 37 & her death was preventable. Since my mom had me when she was 19, we basically grew up together & were super close. She was my bestfriend. The way everything happend was so fast, and the worst way possible , since I was the one to find her. I have a lot of regret and guilt. We had a fight before she went to bed . It kills me to think the last words i said to her was not to pleasent. I never got to say goodbye or i love you.
What also really scares me is that my sister is so young , im afraid how shes going to grow up being parent-less. I have always been there as a 2ndmother to her while she has been growing up; but i could never take my moms place 🙁 but i will try my best as raising her the way my mom would have& help her with every obstacle she has in her life. i hope my sister will remember my mom , and will remember her hugs and how much she loved her. My grandparents who are in there early 60’s , & also my mom, sister and i have lived with since i was born & are close with, are raising me and my sister . I graduate high school this year & its gonna be hard not seeing my biggest supporter there. I know noone wil probly take the time to read this, but ive read alot of the comments and felt like these are people who understand how im feeling right now & felt like sharing a little.. I love you mom
Yes, I hear you …I was your age when my father died and I recently lost my Mother. We never quite get over the loss of a parent, for no one else can ever fill their role in our lives and in our hearts. I, too, wish I had said more to my Mother before she passed away, but know in your heart, as I do, that your Mother knew you loved her and she knew she could count on you to be there for your younger sister. The greatest thing you can do in your mother’s memory is what she would want for you: That is, to become the best person you can be and use your life wisely and fully to become that person. Set your goals high and go forward. Love and protect your sister, for you are her link to the Mother you both share. Bless you!
Nicole, I’m so sorry. I was genuinely moved reading your story. I’m 37 (and mum to a 2.5 year old) and lost my mum my mum on September 14th 2012 (I was 36 at the time). While our lives are very different and not one loss is ever the same as another I would like to say to you that you and I share a common bond and that if you ever need to speak to anyone please leave a comment and I’ll get in touch. To lose your mum at this time of your life is unimagineable to me. Jeeze I thought 36 was young….I agree with Marlene’s comment to you but I am completely sure that at this stage you could very well still be in shock at what has happened to you. I was for months but didn’t realise at the time. You and your sister now are the strongest links you both have to your mother – take care of each other and, in a lesson i have learned since losing my mum, always take the time to let each other know how much you care and how much you love each other. Please know you have a friend in me if you ever need to reach out. Sending hugs your way (((())))
My mom died 15 years ago from colon cancer. I was 34 years ago at the time, married with 2 small children. It is still hard for big events in my families life to not have her with us. She loved her grandchildren and I am sad for them to be missing the grandma who never missed an event. I read somewhere years ago that as a daughter approaches the age that her mother was when she was diagnosed with an illness or died that it is tough to past that milestone. In the past few weeks I am struggling with the fact that I am almost that age and it scares me to death. I have never struggled with getting older until recently and I feel really alone with this, like no one will understand these feelings. I went looking for a blog and I found this. If anyone has experienced this would love to chat with you.
We all identify with our Mothers in so many ways…the attachment is never broken, so thinking of yourself associated to any milestone is not unusual, including the age of her passing. In fact, because we are so much of our parents DNA it is only natural to wonder what we might inherit from either of them. That’s exactly how it was when both my sister and I individually reached the age when my father had a heart attack and died. He was young when he passed. I never realized the fear I had about reaching the same age and perhaps leaving this world as he did until my sister mentioned to me that she had experienced the same fear, at the same age milestone. Having a heightened awareness of this can only help you take good care of yourself. Since you know your family medical history, the best thing you can do is to remain proactive, healthwise. Speak to your doctor to make sure you have done all the preventitive care you need to do according to your family history, and do what your Mother would want most for you, and that is to lead a healthy life-style, with proper diet and exercise and regular medical check-ups. You will be fine because you are ahead of the game. Blessings to you!
I lost my mother on 20 July 2013. It is so painful to imagine. No one can make you forget your dear mother. Looking at the mirror brings me back the image of my dear mother. I have so many things to relate to. Mother’s love can not be offered to you by anyone no matter how good people may present themselves to you. Its so painful to imagine the good things the dear mother did to me. Just remembering the stories, the communication skills she taught me. She would appreciate my mistakes with lots of love. Not even a single day or hour passes by before I remember my mother. May be my situation is most recent and unexplainable. I am so hurt and still need to say mother but she varnished before me forever. Memorable dear mother.
I am so moved as I read the previous postings. It confirms for me that the depth of our love for our mothers is deeper than has been understood and is still so misunderstood. I only can hope that we those who experience the loss of their mom can find a vibe to connect too .. some sort of way to stay connected. By this I am thinking that you and no one else can ever ‘get’ the depth of grief that you feel … try to be that person that does ‘get’it and reach out to others. My mom passed away when I was days away for turning 8 years old … totally crazy … how could this be … she was so amazing .. so pretty .. so the mom and friend so many looked up too … words would not cover the extent of the grief I felt and what family and friends felt … but I was only 8 .. Heck … that is just crazy .. and in some regards it still is … but I write this from the heart and want to reach out to just say to the that person who needs to hear this now … that believe it or not … but DO … you will mend … there will always be that missing piece but just know it makes you stronger and although your sensitivity level is heighened … not to worry .. you are all the more human!
Very similar story to many people here. I lost the mother I had in my life for 60 years this year.
I feel the sadness and 4 months later it creeps up on me unexpectedly. In the days immediately after her death I felt a presence deep down inside me that was comforting, supportive, strong and motherly. The feeling was very strong around that time – it is less strong now but when I relax and think about it I can feel it. It could be described as the emotional support that her love always gave me but I while she was alive I didn’t think too much about it. I now feel that her love continues to exist in my heart and mind. She had a strong relationship with her own mother who had died many years ago and I didn’t understand that until now. For those who think you cant connect with that feeling . . I believe you can . . just think about her . . . and of pleasant times . . relax and be patient with yourself . . . you will find that she is still part of you.
I find that sentiment very warm and touching.I lost my mom and true best friend on May 11th, 2011.I realize that it is over two years now, and many people feel that I should be over the sadness that I still feel strongly each and every day.I am not over it, though.I do feel sad and I miss her more today than even when she first passed.My life is not the same anymore.My best friend is gone.I know that she is always with me and watching over me.However, I don’t feel presence like so many of you feel the presence of your moms.I look for signs all the time, but none come.I would welcome a loving sign from my mom, just to know that she’s okay and knows how much I love her.I talk to her all the time, even though I know she can’t answer me.I only hope that she can hear me and feel my love.I love you mom and miss you more than you could ever imagine.My life is not the same without you.
I lost my mother 6months ago a couple of months before her 40th birthday and I am 19 turning 20 in a few months . I have no father figure he left when I was 10 and I care for my brother who just turned 16. It’s just the two of us his in high school and I just returned to university and work part time .
After reading this it is everything I feel and everything I have thought about . It’s hard to even imagine my mum not being at my wedding and the fact that my future husband won’t know her angers me . Lots of things anger me after her death and just the thought of my future upsets me without her here .
Does anybody else feel like everything is a burden on them without their mother here . Anything bad goes wrong you blame it on the fact you’re mum is not here ? For example I received a parking fine and had a mental breakdown because I kept saying to myself if my mum was still here it would’ve never happened to me there are so many things that have gone wrong since my mothers death I just can’t comprehend the thought of ever passing major life events like my wedding without her
I lost my mom in June. I’m the only child and she brought me up on her own so I’m now alone. Anger is a huge part of what I’m going through too. I’m angry with her a lot I find. I was told that it’s normal to be angry and that it is a part of the grieving process. I try to think that she’s watching over me even thought I’m not a religious person. I’m going to start as a participant in a grief group starting in October and I’m hoping this will be helpful. You are so young to have lost your mom. I’m 39 and she was 62. Your mom was so young to pass. My mom passed away from cancer. It all happened so fast that I feel that I barely knew what was happening before it was already finished. I really feel for you and the road that lies ahead for you. I wish I could leave you my email address so that we could talk on a more personal level.
Chantal Alison , I am from Sydney Australia & am wanting to join something similar to that . There are days I am ok and some days little things trigger my anger for example today I was driving home from work and I just looked up at the sky and broke down and starting crying I was crying out of anger . Angry that she’s gone not here and I was on my way home to nothing …. I had nothing to look forward too and I was angry because I was gling home to pick my brother up and head to the movies and still I felt we are alone and it’s not the same . I remember when she was sick I couldn’t be around her and I regret that now … Chemo therapy radio blood transfusions everything you name it i wanted no part of it ! It was like I was in denial of her cancer I couldnt stand seeing her so sick . I couldn’t stand watching cancer take my mum away .. I hated how it slowly deteriorated her and when I look back at pictures it gets me so angry to see my young fun energetic mum full of life only 39 years old hadn’t even started her life yet … Sitting there in a wheelchair in so much pain … Looking drowsy from all the medication and blown up from the steroids and lymphodema … It upsets me and makes me very angry
It is so hard without her
My situation is similar to yours Natalie, my mom just died last month; she was only 37. She left me (17) and my younger sister (6) behind. I always look at the sky and start to cry… I dont know why. I also feel like everytime I go home, its to nothing. My mom was my everything, and its so hard being young without my mom.
Nicole … I just don’t know what to say and I know there is nothing I can say , I think it’s a beautiful thing that this thread is here where a is ladies can connect with one another we all have something very close to our hearts that was taken away . Sometimes it’s good to vent out with strangers who know exactly how you feel too sometimes x I would love to connect with you all on social media
Stay strong xx
Natalie Assaad
@officialnatalieasaaad
My mother died 13 years ago when I was 25. We were best friends. When you said that everything feels like a burden without your mother, it resonated so strongly with me. I lost interest in pretty much everything and everything felt like too much effort. Then there was the anger…holy freaking hell… the anger! Even now, I know I have a hair-trigger temper at times because her loss put an anger in me that was never there before. Like you, everything went wrong for about seven years after her death…stress after stress after stress….I made horrible decisions too and every time, I felt like XYZ never would have happened if she’d been here, so I COMPLETELY understand what you’re feeling. When I met new people, I felt like I had to explain everything about the effect her death had on me so they could understand why I wasn’t “normal.” But here’s what I’ve learned in the intervening years: the hardest moments in our lives are those when we realize we have a “new normal.” I know I will always have to live with the fact that my life will never be as it was before. I know that I will always have this hole in my heart until I draw my last breath. BUT….there is still happiness to be had in life. I met a wonderful man and had a beautiful wedding. He makes me laugh every day and we have a beautiful life. I have an adorable dog. I’ve traveled the world. I PROMISE you are going to smile again. And you are also going to cry again one day too – but that’s what life is. Be easy on yourself. You’re living a nightmare and you’re allowed to fumble for as long as you need to to get your feet back on the ground. You’ll do it. Hopefully, you and your brother can find a way for this to bring you closer – that’s the one thing that didn’t happen for me with my family. Good luck and best wishes.
My mother is dying right now, she has cancer everywhere and she is blind, the doctor said that soon she will slip into a coma and then quietly pass. Im only 20, i need my mom.. she raised me by herself and i will be alone. She’s my best friend and i can’t bear this. I hate everything i can barely cry and i can’t let go of my pain. She is scared to leave me alone and i am scared to let her go. I need her, she is my rock… without her i will crumble.
Hi Lais, I am so sorry for what you are going through. My mom died in February, and was young as well. This is the toughest thing in the world, but trust that you will discover that you are so much stronger than you ever thought possible. Despite the strength…it hurts, If you ever want to talk to someone, please email me…I will give you my phone number. Jindaley@yahoo.com
Lais, my mom died in 2013 when I was 21 from cancer as well. Today I’m having a bad day, grief has totally taken over today but most days I’m ok. I see my mom in my dreams a lot and I know she would be proud of me today. I hope you’re doing ok too. Our moms live on through us.
I am so sorry for what you are going through. My mama passed in April and not a day goes by that I don’t miss her and cry. You will be stronger that you ever thought possible. Spend as much time with her that you can. Get in bed and snuggle with her, leave nothing unsaid. Assure her that ….her life was valued, all is forgiven, you will take care of anything that needs done, you will be ok, and you will miss her. She won’t want to leave you so let her know its ok to leave. I stayed day and night for 3 days during the passing process. I am not sure how I did it when I look back because the process was grueling for her dying of COPD. We allowed plenty of morphine so she did not struggle. Only when she was gone, I finally laid across her chest and wept for my mommy. Bless you. You will survive although there will be days that you have doubts. Promise your mom you will be ok and keep your promise. That is what helped me.
I lost my mom at the age of 21she died 4-6-06 I’m 28 now I’ve changed since she’s been gone its been very hard for me I’m going thru depression and post tramatic stress disorder and anxeity as well as insomnia I dnt have any support from family and my dad isn’t there for me like he should be I just dnt know how to cope and live with the death of my mother honestly I just wish I had someone to turn to but I don’t so I’m always alone
Artina,
i am really sorry to hear that, what about some girlfriends? or another family member?
you need someone to talk to, you can’t go through this pain alone otherwise you will never live the life i’m sure your Mother wanted you to lead.
I’m so glad I found this post because since my mum died six months ago aged 53 (I am 28), nobody has told me that it’s a normal thing to feel annoyed with people who didn’t know her, for not missing her like I do.
She and my boyfriend only met once, by the side of her hospital bed. I was living away from home and had arranged to come home for a few days with my boyfriend so that they could meet. She was so excited she even bought new cake stands so we could have an old fashioned tea party. But the day before we arrived she got taken into hospital with a chest infection due to the chemo she’d been having.
At that point, I didn’t know that her cancer was terminal so I assumed it was the beginning of them getting to know each other.
Since my mum’s death, my brothers have gone back to their jobs in other countries, my dad has rented out the house to go travelling and I have moved in with my boyfriend and his parents, in a city that I don’t know. I’m finding it really hard to start my new life in a place where I have no family or friends and every time I feel lonely it just reminds me that my mum is gone.
The hardest part is dealing with my grief alone – my boyfriend has never lost a family member and although he hugs me when I’m upset and says he wants to help, I see the relief in his face when I manage to stop crying and change the subject. I can see he is not that interested when I talk about her and he never asks questions abut her. I know he just wants to avoid a delicate subject but it makes me feel alone.
I dread any happy events in the future, I know that getting married and having children will be so painful without my mum that I almost feel I never want to do those things. More than anything, I dread having to make new friends in this new town because I feel that to allow people to get to know me I’m going to have to tell them about my mum’s recent death and I can’t bare to do that again and again.
It does help a little to see that people who write on pages like this share my feelings, but most of all I need practical ideas that will help to deal with these things, like the idea of mentioning a loved one in a wedding programme. What else can I do to let the people around me know how much I miss her and think about her all the time?
I lost my Gran (my real mother) at your age, 28. I am now 63. I have never got over the loss. I am not saying this to make you more sad, but just to say that after such an event we ourselves change. We are never quite the same. However there are positive things you can do and you will be a better person in many ways. Someone as caring and sensitive as you obviously are can be of great benefit to others. Try to help other people, mainly the old and the young. Even a smile or a wave can brighten up a day. My Gran suffered from depression and I did not understand it at the time. Now I know it affects so many people and I donate very small amounts to a Mental Health charity. Also try to plant a tree(s) in memory of your Mum. Then there is something that will live on for decades. You don’t need to talk about your Mum unless you want to. You can be brief if people ask. Only if YOU feel like talking, then do it. Some people find it helps to talk as it keeps the person’s memory alive and you may find this is true for you. You must remember that we all deal things in our own way and your way for you is the right way. I think it is an excellent idea to mention your Mum in a wedding programme.
Keep her photo nearby and put flowers near it. As long as you are alive, she lives on. You will never be quite the same person but you don’t have to be. I still break down in tears often but I find the best thing is to keep busy. Make your own life worthwhile and think how proud your Mum would be of you. Please look up “complicated grief” on the internet. There is a lot of help these days. Never, ever be afraid to ask for it. Best of luck in your new town. You will soon be a part of it with friends and a bright future. I wish you well and send my love. You are not alone as you can see from this site which is a great help to all of us. Bless you.
Lyn, I think that is a very thoughtful and helpful post. My mom passed to Heaven just a few minutes after Christmas last year, so I haven’t been dealing with her loss that long….yet it seems like a very long time to me. She was 78, I’m 49. She was an incredible grandmother to my daughters for 12 years and I’m so grateful for that. My mom also suffered with life-long chemical depression so there were a lot of ups and downs, but I’m glad I had every minute with her and I know that with the life she has now, she doesn’t have to suffer from depression anymore. You’re right–the loss of your mom really does change you and there are still days that I cry and feel so much loss. But I truly believe we will all see our mothers again when we pass one day. My best to you and everyone here. -Joan
Thank you for your kind comments, Joan. One thing I forgot to say which I think may be of help to some of people is that our mothers had many years of life before we were born. There would inevitably have been good times during those years. I saw a picture of my Gran as a young woman recently – one that I had not previously seen. In it, she was in her late 20s. She was with her father, husband and little daughter (my Mum). Gran looked young and happy and I could not stop looking at the photo. It made me realise that, in spite of her depression in later years, she had actually had happy times during her life. There are things we never know about our parents – no reason why we should. We always assume that their lives kind of began when we came along. But if we think about it logically, they had a couple or more decades before we were born. I hope this helps a little bit. Lyn
My mom passed away peacefully on August 17, 2013 – 9 weeks after she fell at home and broke 2 bones in her spine. She turned 91 while in rehab. My father died when I was a child and Mom lived with me my entire life (I am now 56). She was my best friend and a very wonderful mother, although we didn’t always see eye to eye. She was diagnosed with dementia about 5 years ago and the last 2 years have been harder than anything I could have imagined – Mom had all the violent and angry behaviors that can go with dementia. But after her fall, the anger was gone, and I could see glimpses of my wonderful mother – although her dementia was much worse than before she fell. I cried for a week and a half – I swear my tears could have filled Lake Michigan! But since I returned home the other night – first time in my home after the funeral in Wisconsin – and I haven’t shed a tear. I don’t know if it’s because dementia really is the long goodbye, or if some of the grief is already passing. I seem to just be tuning it out. I have no regrets, for which I’m thankful. I always did everything I could to give Mom a good life and I know I’ll see her again when Jesus comes again. Has anyone else lost a mother after caring for them for many years in a journey with dementia?
all of these comments are amazing, you people are just way too strong and your loved ones should be so thankful to have you in their life. god bless you all.
I feel your pain. My mama suffered from dementia for over 4 years…starting as “forgetfullness”, repeating herself over and over and lots of “did I already tell you?”. At first it frightened me as I could see I was watching my mom slip from me. I worried about “what if she doesnt remember who I am?” At moms end of life she was in the nursing home and sometimes I believe her dementia was a blessing. She knew me till the end but within 5 minutes of being with her she forgot I was there. She claimed my sister was “never there for a visit” altho she really was. Mom was never mean or agressive, just sweet and loving. I believe alot of moms dementia was from her lack of oxygen due to COPD. The last 2 weeks of her life she was comatose only opeing her eyes and just staring occasionally. Once she opened them and looked at me and said “I am so sorry.” I will never know what that meant but I told her “all is forgiven mom.” I learned that with dementia that I needed to just jump into where ever mom was at the time. If she ask about where her mommy and daddy were, I just told her something that satisfied her emotionally. I lost mom in April and not a day goes by that I don’t think of her and miss her.
hi… my mom died when I was 12… 8 years ago..(2005). Thank you so much for this piece… 12 going 13… now 21… you can imagine the changes that happen in those years, and just wanting to share them with your mom… not having siblings or a father… Its like… who do you turn to…? when talking about the dead is almost a taboo in your culture… or to friends when it seems “you’re stuck in the past”and you’re made to feel guilty for missing and wanting… Today was one of those days… After church, I just went up to my room in the girl’s hostel, luckily my room mate is out for the weekend.. my tear were allowed to flow non-stop… even through typing this, tears running down my face… It brings some sense of comfort to know I am not alone neither am I “STUCK IN THE PAST” as is always the comments from my “friends” but they can never truly understand or comprehend the loss of a mother.
I get the same kind of “looks” and comments like”she is in a better place now” however friends will never understand until it is them grieving. I go through the same thing. It seems no one wants to listen to what I feel, they are tired of hearing it. I understand.
I understand what you are both saying.My mom is gone about two years now, and everyone thinks I should be fine by now.Even friends think enough is enough. Sure, they are kind at first and are always there to listen.However, after awhile you know that they are tired of hearing you talk about the loss of your mom.I hate when people say that she is in a better place or that time heals all wounds.Time can never ease the pain you feel in your heart from losing your mom.Also, you want and need her here.The people on this site do truly understand cause they have all been through the same pain.You can never understand this kind of pain unless you experience it yourself.Don’t say I know how you feel when clearly you don’t have a clue.I do truly understand!! Our pain will never go away!!
Gloria, I do truly understand too. The pain never leaves us. Bless you – just know you are not alone. This site is a blessing to us all. Lyn
The bond we have between ourselves and our parents, especially our Mothers, is never broken, even as a result of their death. There are so many examples in my life that I wish my father could have shared with me, but he died when I was very young. To this day I miss him and the beautiful person he was: his wonderful humor, the loving, supportive nature of a man he was to me and others. He loved his family and was a devoted father even more, I think, because his own Mother and Father had died when he was young. It left him with an emptiness and need for the closeness of ‘family’. The same is true for my Mother, who lost her Mother when she was only four…My Mother often talked of wishing she had known more about her Mother and as I was growing up, and even into the recent days of my own Mother’s death, about a month ago, I heard my own Mother call out to her Mother. Her need for ‘Mother’ was always with her. And as each day goes by since her death I think of the things I wish I could ask or tell or share with my Mother. I don’t think this will ever change. We are and will always be a part of our parents, especially our Mothers. My Mother lived to be nearly 108. You might say she was fortunate to have had such a long life and that I was so lucky to have her for so long, but believe me the longer a Mother is with you, the more they are a part of you and the wound is still very, very deep with loss: it leaves a void in your heart that is never replaced. I know that both my Mother and my Father valued much in life and I know they both loved me so I will look toward those same values in life that I share with them and go on in their name to do what I can to take care of myself, my family, contribute to my community and do something to better the world i live in with their blessings and in their name. It is the reason I was born…to live on in their name and memory as best as I can. And I feel that I honor them when I do. Does that mean I will ever forget them, or never shed a tear, or ever miss them: No. It means that I must honor them in every way I can by making each day an even more productive one for myself in their honor.
Hello everyone…
For years I have watched this post gather readers. Each day literally hundreds of people looking for advice on how to cope with the death of their mothers and those who just seek validation that their lingering grief is something others have felt too come here to read and share.
I’ve been quiet from this discussion for years, feeling that those who have experienced this loss could speak to one another without moderation or intrusion. But now I feel I must comment since most of the commenters here are not regular readers of my blog and may not know the new perspective I bring to this conversation.
Exactly 11 months ago, on October 1, 2012 I was told that my stage II breast cancer, originally diagnosed in December 2006, had metastasized to my bones and lymph nodes. I have therefore been dealing with stage 4 cancer since that time, and will be living with it and the treatments that accompany it until my premature death. At this time my children are 14, 11, and 7. I know many of you here have lost your mothers to this same disease.
My diagnosis now puts me on the other side of this equation, preparing my own children (including one daughter) for my death someday. Of course I do not know when this will be, but I do know I won’t live to see so many of the milestones in life that we long for in raising children.
I have been writing about these emotions surrounding my diagnosis, living with this knowledge, the effects of this disease on my family. I would suspect some of your parents may have felt some of these same feelings.
I want to thank you all for sharing your stories here and for the love you all showed your parents. There is no “right” way to grieve such an intense loss, and despite what others may say or “want,” the feelings of loss never go away.
I send warm hugs to you all. The death of a loved one is in so many ways the most personal loss, but in that, it is also the most universal.
Lisa, I am soooo very sorry to hear. My heart truly goes out to you and your family. If it helps as appreciate everyone is different, I thought I’d share a bit more of my story. A final personal message brings great comfort – me, and my brothers each recieved a card / letter from our Mum but my Dad did not for no other reason than she was extremely poorly. My Dad was with her when Mum wrote them – I can see the pain in her hand writing. My Mum did make a note in her Will around should Dad be lucky enough to find another person, she gives her blessing. Small things like taht do make a significant difference beyond the intial loss. My Mum and I
Lisa, I am soooo very sorry to hear. My heart truly goes out to you and your family. I lost my Mum (21st June ’13) In January ’13 mum was told 6-9 months. In March ’13, Mum’s scan results came back all clear. In April, mum and Dad had an incredible week in Sorrento, Italy, so incredible, they extended to a second week and then again to a third. 1st week of May, they eventually came back – a day earlier than scheduled and mum went straight to hospital and was given 6-8 weeks. The cancer was back and blocking her digestive system – ultimately, Mum was told she was going to starve to death. Mum knew time was precious and going to Italy was a risk, but turned out to be one of the best decisions ever made. Throughout the time when home, she always remained strong… preparing for the worst whilst living every day to its max. We were fortunate to have good weather and Mum spent most of this time sat in the garden, enjoying her family around her. Mum was only bed bound for the final 2 weeks and even right up until the end, was still Mum. I slept in the room with her (and Dad) every night in case it was her last, and the night of the 20th we knew the time had come as Mum’s breathing changed. The morning of the 21st, I woke up, gave her a kiss, told her I loved her and that it was OK to go, as we would be OK and will all be there for each other. I then went downstairs to make a cup of tea and by the time I came back up, she had gone. My Dad was with her for her last breath, she was calm, peaceful and graceful till the very end. In the last 3 months, Mum was also able to enjoy the birth of her first Grandchild, Olivia and celebrate her Christening and celebrate her youngest son’s 21st and also plan her own funeral with us 3 kids – some thought quite morbid, but was a huge relief for everyone. Mum was able to have closure, we were able to be sure everything was as Mum wanted… If i could share one piece of advice with anyone going through this – is to be open, say what you need to say, do what you want to do – love laugh and even cry together. The darkest days are so much more bearable when you know you couldnt do anything more. For you and others preparing from a Mother’s perspective – we found a final personal message brings great comfort to those left behind – me, and my brothers each received a card / letter from our Mum but my Dad did not for no other reason than she was extremely poorly. He reads mine often and wishes he had a personal message too. My Dad was with her when Mum wrote them – I can see the pain in her hand writing. My Mum did make a note in her Will around should Dad be lucky enough to find another person, she gives her blessing. Small things like that do make a significant difference beyond the initial loss. My Mum and I were very pragmatic after we were told the final prognosis that she had only 6-8 weeks, we put emotion aside and put our problem solving hats on – we planned Mum’s funeral together from location / flowers / coffin / colours / music / whether to drive past house or not etc.. so we all knew express wishes and any other decision not spoken about with Mum meant, it really didnt mean that much to Mum so we were OK and wouldn’t ever feel if we did the right thing or not. My Mum prepared me on how I may feel (as she lost her Mum previously) she also spoke about Dad, and his happiness in that he will find someone as is still young and will need someone else etc… It Is hard, so incredibly hard but say all the things you want to say, be as open and even take the outside looking in view. As a family – we all sat around the table and talked about the future / options inc financial arrangements etc.. and even said, this is so surreal and feels like we are talking about another family. And… as weird as it was, it was the right thing to do. Mum had comfort in knowing we would be OK and we had comfort in knowing what Mum thought not just now and before but opinions on future too. I miss my Mum more and more every day. We were two peas out of the same pod. I scare myself when looking in the mirror and my mannerisms as even I think ‘that’s Mum’ but scare isn’t the word really, I find comfort in it – knowing Mum lives on through me. I just want one last hug – that’s not asking for much… Anyway… I am sending you one MASSIVE virtual hug and if you ever want to talk more, please please let me know
I am so touched to read all these posts. I too have been somewhat irritated by well-meaning people who say that time heals. I have found it does not. Coping with intense grief casts a shadow on our lives. I have 2 close relatives who I consider to be lacking in empathy and emotion and therefore I find it difficult to relate to them although I desperately want to talk to them about my loss – which actually was their loss too. I therefore feel very alone in my grief. Being able to read these posts and write here is a great help to me. Thank you to all of you for sharing your stories.
I lost my mom last year, next month will be the 1 year anniversary. I was only 20, she died right before all her favorite holidays, I feel my mom all the time but it’s not the same. Reading this and a bunch of the responses has definaty helped somewhat. It still hurts everyday and finally one person told me something I had never heard, they said it never gets better and ull always hurt. I can’t cope with the thought of her death, I mean it was from cancer so we knew, but at the same time do you ever really know? I recently went on a vacation and had my aunt yell at me telling me she’s dead, she’s gone, she’s never coming back. It helped!!! I have to say thank you to all the posts reading about other people feeling the same emptyness that I feel makes me realize I am not alone in this world when it comes to this. No matter the reason of death it will always hurt.
Today marks three years since I lost my mom. It was a sudden, very unexpected death. She was 78 and I was 38 at he time. I have a brother who was in Afghanistan at the time and my father (they were divorced) was out of town as well. I am married with two boy ages 15 and 4. And have many aunts, uncles and cousins who, while my mom was alive, always remained United and close. However just after my mom died everyone seemed to distance themselves from my husband, kids and me. Those Sundays when everyone got together , birthdays, thanksgiving ….all days that where full of family laughter and love, gone. My mother was a very strong and proud woman. She was my rock, my backbone, my best friend, my entire life and mostly my mom. She watched me give birth to my two boys and comforted me as I buried my baby boy who was stillborn. When she died a huge part of me died with her. Having family members who surrounded you since you were little all of a sudden stop coming around because “seeing me was to painful as I reminded them of her” only made the wound that much deeper. The pain never goes away. The void never fills and the longing for just one more day, hour even minute remains as intense as it was three years ago. I am sorry for all of you feeling this way and if I can ever do anything to help you get through at least an hour without feeling alone let me know. I have wished for someone to be there for me on so many occasions but my father has a whole new life, my brother is a Colonel in the Army and a Doctor as well with a very busy life and my husband lost his parents at a young age but instead of understanding he gets mad and doesn’t understand why I cry, or why I’m depressed. He is a very cold person so basically I’m alone…Thank you all for sharing your stories that let people like me know that we Aren’t Alone afteralll
Brenda, I lost my mom in June. She was only 62 and I’m 39. I have dealt with depression all of my life so this was a huge blow. It made my depression and anxiety attacks so much worse. I am seeing a counsellor on a weekly basis now and will begin a grief support group next month. I find the counselling is helpful because it gives you someone to talk to and vent to. You may email me anytime if you like. I think we are similar. allisocl@gmail.com
MAMAMAMAMAMAMA!!!!!!! 🙁
Hi, I’m 29 and lost my Mum in June ’13. She was just 47 and battled cancer for 18 months. I lived with her and even worked with her – and was with her till her very last breath at home. She was my best friend and role model and I am having the same thoughts when I see people get married and have babies around how I will be able to without her. My brother had a baby in March (Mum and Dad’s 1st grandchild) and I was fortunate to see and hear Mum’s advice to my brother in the short time before she passed, so I can hold that dear for if/when the time comes I should have a baby too. My brother also got married in August and although we hoped and prayed Mum would have been there, in the cermony my Dad read out A parent’s prayer on behalf of both him and my Mum. We had 1 single sunflower (Mum’s fav) at the top table and both the Father of the Bride speech and Best Man speech made tribute to my Mum – but not sad and morbid, happy memories esp in recognition of how Mum had shaped my brother (Groom). It was emotional but beautiful day and couldnt have been more perfect (that is in Mum’s absence)! So… my message to you is it can be done – a Mother-Daughter bond is different, and how I will be on my wedding day will certainly be different but I know she will be there through me – my heart and memories. The day after Mum’s funeral, my Dad gave me a letter from her and it is so far, the only thing getting me through and so I thought by sharing, it may help some of you too as I’m sure your Mothers thought the same about all you wonderful daughters too: To my amazing doughter who I love beyond words – I love being your Mother and it’s my privilege to witness who you’ve grown up to be. You are your own person, and I get to see what you choose to do with your time and talents. You may have started small and helpless in my arms, but now I know you are capable of so much. It has inspired me to watch you grow brilliantly into yourself. I have always had such high hopes for you, and you continue to exceed them with the incredible person you are. When I look at you, I see years of memories and decades of potential. You have already changed my world in spectacular ways, and now I see you impact the rest of the world in wonderful ways as well. I am honoured to be your mother. But though I see the best parts of you, please know I never expect you to be perfect… no one is. I am just so glad that you are perfectly you. A mother couldnt ask for more. Stay strong and know I will always be there for you to help you make that decision when needed – just ask yourself the question and the answer will be the same as mine – as we are so alike!!! I am so proud of you. Be happy please and enjoy life – you deserve it. I dont know what I would have done without you these last 18months. Nanight, godbless and see you in your dreams xxxxxx
You all know this. I am just knowing, more and more, I am knowing this.. I will never see my sweet Mama again…. I am so sad.. so so so sad…. MAMAMAMAMAMAMA 🙁
I liked your article..although it came up in a google search I did, I was looking for how to let go. My mum died 8 years ago from terminal cancer. My sister and i nursed her through it, stayed up through the night while she was in pain with her, she was v strong and pushed through a lot of pain to keep going. However, my dad could not be with her, he shut himself off and never spoke of his feelings til she died, she also never spoke of how she felt. We had to hold our pain in when she was alive and I was fairly depressed for 2 yrs as she fought the disease. When she did die i had to return to work and pushed through the pain not really dealing with it. I don’t know if I went through the stages of grief, but i do know that when i started feeling depressed 3 months after she died the dr put me on anti depressants. Ever since every xmas time (around the time she died) I feel depressed, pretty much from oct/no/dec/jan/feb and struggle. Last year I decided no more numbing, I didn’t take any medication and spent 7 month struggling with feeling awful and unable to work, anxiety set in too. It eventually lifted in May and I am now in a strange place of wondering how I let go…I have had 4 bouts of counselling and have started crying and talking through what happened. But i was 23 when she died, had just started my first full time job and bought a house and moved away from home. I want to carry mum with me, but not repeat the grief every year for 5 months. Anyone any suggestions?
I want to reach out my hand to everyone here who is grieving and tell you all that you are not alone. I lost my beautiful mother just over 3 weeks ago on August 23rd, 2013. I am 35, and she was 75. I never truly understood the loss and pain that would come with losing my mother. I had contemplated that she wouldn’t be around forever, she had me later in life, and was that bit older than the parents of my peers, but I never really grasped the concept of losing her. Now my grief is all encompassing. The bond I shared with her was immense. My mother was an amazing person; I loved her so, so, very much. I still love her – that will never leave me. I can honestly say I will never be the same again after losing her.
In 2006 my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer, she had a mastectomy and underwent chemo and radiotherapy. She battled that cancer with dignity and showed such an enormous strength of character. Unfortunately on 22nd December 2009 she then suffered a stroke. I was devastated. Once again she showed us all how it was done and battled like the trooper she was. She always used to say ‘this too will pass’, she often said it to me when I was going through a little drama in my life – absolutely insignificant to what she was suffering. There were good and bad days since the stroke, on the bad days she used to say to me, “You know, this too will pass”. She never complained, she adored life, nature, and people. She was always so interested in everyone else, and she didn’t dwell on her illness.
This past summer mum hadn’t been so well, she seemed more tired and lethargic. On 19th July she got a pain in her right side when she was out shopping. On the 23rd July she went to her GP and he took her blood. Over that next week she was quite unwell, sleeping a lot and had a poor appetite. On the 29th July, I took her to hospital, as she didn’t seem to be improving. It turned out that the blood results had came back and they showed abnormal liver function. She had numerous tests and scans that week in hospital and on Friday 2nd August we got the devastating news that mum had secondary cancer from the breast in the liver, and that it was incurable. We were given a prognosis of 4-6 months, but just three weeks later on August 23rd my beautiful mother passed away in hospital.
I was with my mum almost constantly in the final few weeks of her life, and I was there with her when she died. She was talking to me up until a couple of hours before she passed. Her only concern was me, saying things like “this isn’t fair on you pet”. In her final hours she was still loving me and caring for me.
Life has now stopped for me. I feel like I want to be with my mother, although I would never do anything to harm myself. Home was my mother and I feel like going home. I know I have to embrace living again, but I’m not sure how to do that. I just got married last year, and my husband and I were trying for a baby these last few months, but now I feel like how can I be a mother without my mother?
For everyone who has lost a parent or someone close, I am so, so sorry. I can say that now and truly feel it – before it was just words
Hello “S”,
Gosh, I just read your post and wanted to respond because I can relate so much to what you are feeling. We lost my mom a few minutes after Christmas last year, and she too had cancer that spread to her liver. Once it spread she was only here a few more weeks. She was 78…I am 49. I know what you mean when you say, “Mom was home” and you long for that feeling of “home”. I do, too….even though I have my own home, husband and almost 12-year old daughters. I simply cannot drive past my mom’s previous house or apartment. I guess my point is that it’s normal and understandable for you to feel this way. It sounds like you had the same kind of closeness with your mom that I had/have with my mom (as do a lot of women who post here.) You did a LOT for your mom and undoubtedly gave her happiness and peace of mind. As far as trying to have children, I can understand how that prompts you to miss your mom, too. My husband and I didn’t have our twins until we were 37, and I consider myself EXTREMELY fortunate that my girls had almost 11 years with their incredible Grandma Sue who lived only 10 minutes away! Given the role model you had I’m sure you would make a great mom and your mother would be very happy about that. If you’d ever like to e-mail me, please feel free to do so! jeffandjoan@hotmail.com Take care, Joan
This is a reply to everyone who has posted. Thank you all for sharing about your loss. My Mum died last month, on 14th August 2013, which happened to be her 89th birthday. Of course there were lots of tears, and I drove to her funeral feeling as if I was driving to my own execution. But once the funeral was over, I thought I was coping fairly well. But the last few days, a month on, I have woken every morning with a terrible sense of dread and fear and a hard rock in my stomach the size of a boulder that won’t go away. And today I have just been sobbing and howling and rocking…. which is what sent me online to find something that might help. And I found all of you.
I’m 56 but I feel like an ‘orphan’. My Dad died 20 years ago, and now Mum has gone, I know no-one will love me unconditionally again.
Mum had a massive stroke three years ago, and had been in a nursing home since, and sadly she was unable to speak beyond an affirmative sound when you asked if she was OK/comfy/warm enough…. I would have loved to have been able to talk to her in her last years, but all I could do was go to help her eat lunch every day, clean her nails, brush her hair, massage her feet…
A friend sent me a poem by Olivia McCannon which I read at her funeral. I would recommend her anthology ‘Exactly My Own Length’ as sometimes only poetry can sum up the love, pain, memories, gratitude, regret… well, the list is endless, isn’t it?
Thanks all xx
I read your post over breakfast this morning. I haven’t “logged in” for months and don’t know why I did today. Your post was very moving and I can empathize with your thoughts, especially the loss of your Mum’s unconditional love. I lost my darling Mum in June 2012 and I miss her love and support so much. She was 87, yet as bright, wise and supportive as she ever was. It’s the finality that shocks me on a daily basis. Also, I don’t have much support from my family who think I should be over it by now. Luckily I have some wonderful friends who have been unbelievably kind. I wish I could say it gets better, and in some ways it does, but in other ways it doesn’t. Yes, the rawness eases but, like you, I feel I am carrying this huge burden every day and I liken it to a volcano. It lies dormant for a while, just simmering under the surface and then it erupts. I hate the fact that life is going on without her and she’s missing so much. A lot has happened in our family in the 15 months since Mummy died and I would give anything to hear her thoughts, ask her advice and talk things through with her. There is so much that she’ll never know and that is hard as she was so interested in and loved her family so much. I knew it would be unbearable, but nothing can prepare one for the emptiness. My thoughts are with you.
I too lost my Mum to pulmonary fibrosis (a disease I’d never heard of before she was finally diagnosed about 4 years ago). We lost Mummy 15 months ago but it wasn’t really the PF that she died of. Oh no. The UK hospital she was taken to after a slight fall, decided after x raying her lungs, that she wasn’t worth saving and put her on the controversial Liverpool Pathway for the Dying (something else we had never heard of). They withdraw all medical intervention, including liquids and basically the patient dies of dehydration and organ failure with 39 hours. There was a monetary incentive for hospitals to put terminally ill patients on this Pathway to free up beds. We should have fought against this decision but at the time we were ignorant. It was so distressing for Mummy and us that I complained after it was all over and the geriatrician now no longer practises this course. I could not save my own mother but I hope my actions have saved others from the distress we endured. We might not have had Mummy for too much longer; perhaps only a few more months, but every day with her was precious. She was by no means house bound or in acute discomfort with the PF but it was obviously worsening. We feel totally let down by the National Health Service here in the UK and worst of all, we feel we let our darling Mum down just when she was st her most vulnerable. Sorry Mummy.
Hi Elaine, so sorry about your mum. I think my mum died in similar circumstances but in Mexico only twenty days ago and I’ve been thinking that had she been here in the UK she would have been ok but reading your post made me wonder. Can I ask how old was your mother when she died? Thanks. Maria
Our mother died 6 weeks ago of cancer, she had been ill for only 4 months. My younger sister and I took care of her. I am in London, she is on the south coast, as is my Dad. I spent a lot of time at my sister’s house as I relied on her for somewhere to stay.
My sister is very highly strung at the best of times, and during the last month before our mum passed away she was very stressed and became very agitated and distant from me, accusing me of all kinds of crazy things…my response was always very calm and caring, i wanted her to know that however much she lashed out at me that i would be there for her. After the funeral I came back to London and I have not heard one word from her since. She has since told our Dad (not me, directly) that I am no longer welcome at her house or indeed in the street where she lives. She does not want any contact with me. What is going on? I will be visiting her street very shortly – this is not the problem as it is a free country – but what should I do? Is she angry at me or at my mother and the situation? She is very strong willed and does not like facing situations, so once she decides that someone has done her wrong then that is it. My Dad is wondering what is going on and feels very depressed about the situation. He thinks she has ‘lost it’ and that we should just forget about her until she gets over the grief.
I personally do not need this added layer of stress, worrying about my sister whilst grieving for my mother at the same time.
Any suggestions?
I realise that certain events in life can bring out extreme reactions. My sister and I both had a very good relationship with my mother. I am the ‘calm’ one and she is very fiery, her life is extreme, she drinks and parties a lot and also her daughter has just left for University.
Perhaps we saw too much of each other – which is inevitable – but does this make me an evil person? It is as if she is deflecting her anger about something else onto me? My Dad has stated that he does not believe that I did all the things she suggested…the truth is, I didn’t.
This article made me cry. I lost my mom on the 31st of January 2013.. I am only 20 years old and I have two sisters that are 13 and 15, and a brother that is 17. She was only 38 too. Her and my stepdad got in a car accident in Texas and the car blew up which killed them both. I miss my mom, so much. I have had no motivation to do anything even though I was so strong before. I wasn’t with her in Texas because me and my brother decided to stay in Illinois. I feel so alone and just wish for answers. I wish she could be here to just boost me up and tell me everything will be okay. This helped me a lot, but I just wish somehow she could magically come back.
Hi Eve, just wanted to reassure you that you are not alone. I know it can feel that way and what you have had to go through is heartbreaking, I really do feel for you but please know there is always someone to talk to and can help ‘boost you up’ Although I am lucky to have a wonderful family and friends close by, I still felt and often feel alone as they cannot relate and there isnt an easy way to share my true feelings with them as they will never understand fully. However, the wonderful people on here and kind heartfelt words have made me feel more ‘normal’ and less alone in this as they can truely empathise. Stay strong lovely, things will always be different now but you can feel happy again, and hold onto all of the good memories as they will keep you strong in time x
I lost my mother on the 18th. She was in a stroke-induced coma for the past couple of days prior to her passing. I am angry and devastated. I can’t seem to cry… perhaps from shock?
I lost my mom 2 months ago (July 14th). When she first died I was in so much pain & shock. For some reason I searched all over google for somthing to help me feel a little better & i found this website. Over the past 2 months , this post& the comments from everyone who lost their mother’s also has helped me so much. Even though we all may be different ages, lost our moms in different way, or if we lost her yesterday or 20 years ago, everyones post& story helps. I lost my mom to accidental overdose ( anti-depressants & generic cold medication) . She left beind my 6 year old sister and I (18). Every since my mom has passed everything else has gone down hill , i dont know why but I really have been having terrible luck since she has gone. I hate being so young & having all this stress in my life . I just really want my mom back :/ .
Oh, Nicole, how hard to lose your Mum when she was so young, and you and your sister are so young. Do you have any support? Dad? Other family? Counsellors? I really feel for you. Please keep in touch.
Helen xx
Helen,
My sister and I do not talk to our dad, but we have my grandparents. We have always lived with them . They have also been like 2nd parents to be so im atleast lucky to have them.
I can soooo relate – Im 28 and lost my Mum 3 months ago (she was just 47), since then my cousin aged just 40 was diagosed with prostate cancer, I was made a redeployee so although employeed have no purpose, my Dad has already started a new relationship and my brother and his new wife are about to move to America to live for good (with my 7 month old neice). So much to deal with – I often feel a mess. It hasnt helped that I was diagnosed with boarderline ovarian tumour when just 21 and had one of my ovaries removed and although I have had clear results ever since, I went to my annual check up on Monday. It was the 1st one without Mum as she insisted on coming to every one. I often told her no need – oh for gods sake Im nearly 30 etc… but this was the 1st time I really needed her there. I was told everything looked normal, which was such a relief but all I wanted to do was tell my Mum the news. I cried all the way home from the hospital and drove straight to her grave and just sat in the car. I know there are going to be so many more times (good, bad and ugly) where we will want our Mum’s by our sides and can’t. It is just so unfair
I lost my mom when I was 25; suddenly on her bday shortly before Christmas. It has been over 5 years, but there is so much I want to ask her, tell her, just to have her with me all of the time. I am grateful for the mother I had, which has forever left an impact on me. I have two children, a degree, and a good life, but her physical presence would make me a saner person. I miss her all the time; I just want my mom. I cry by myself when I can. I take comfort in knowing that I know what is right because of her.
I lost my mom 6 years ago to cancer. At the time I was 27 years of age and my mom was 50. I have had an extremely hard time coping with her loss. My mom took her very last breath and passed away right in front of me. Anything that reminds me of her breaks my heart immensely. Til this very day, I cry like I cried the day I lost her. If anyone mentions her name, I can’t help myself and begin to cry and can’t stop crying. I saw a picture of her yesterday and I’m still crying today. Is this normal. Do I need help???
Hi Lorena,
I also lost my mom to cancer.It was two years ago, and I still cry a lot.Yes it is normal for us to cry as we remember our moms.They were and still are a major part of our lives.They are our moms, our best friend and no one can ever replace them.Their love for us was special , just like our love for them.I know that people say that time heals, but that is not always true.In fact, I hate that expression.Time can never heal the pain I feel from the loss of my mom.I will never be the same.A major piece of my heart is missing, and nothing will ever fill that.If you feel like crying, then you should cry.If you wish to talk about her, then you should do that.You should do whatever feels right to you.I know that most people feel that two years or six years is a long time to grieve.Those people are not us.I don’t listen to the opinions of others.Many of those people still have their moms, so they do not understand how we feel.They don’t have a clue as to how we feel.I miss my mom more today than even when she first left me.At times, the pain seems unbearable.We just learn to cope.We will smile again.We may never feel completely happy without them, but we will cope.I truly understand how you feel.Everyone on this site understands.We have all been through the same loss.Believe me, it is completely normal how you feel.
Take Care and please post again and let me know how you are doing.I will do the same.
Having read so many posts here, I just want to say to everyone on it, there is no normal time for grieving to end. For me it has not ended in 35 years and it never will. When you are very close to somebody they are a part of you for the rest of your life. With that closeness comes immense sadness at their passing. Never, ever feel you are odd or that there is something wrong with you when your grief stays with you. It is as if a part of you has died, which is what it is. Your loss will change you. Do not discuss it with others who do not understand. You will probably, somewhere along the way, find a kindred spirit – someone who understands how you feel because they have experienced the same thing. That is what is so wonderful about this site as there is sympathy, understanding and comfort to be found here. You are NOT weak if you break down. On the contrary, you are a caring, compassionate human being.
Helen, KNOW that your Grandparents love you very much–they’ve raised you & your sister, & that shows proof of their love!
No, not the same as your Momma’s love.
Personally, I would suggest a committed, serious RELATIONSHIP with JESUS CHRIST. HOW anyone goes through this life without HIM, I will never know, nor understand.
My Momma was ALWAYS worried about me (juvenille diabetes for 49+ years now). LORD showed me only about a week ago: Momma is NO longer worried about me! For me, that is the BIGGEST RELIEF!! Now, she IS at PEACE & REST!! In her NEW HOME in HEAVEN.
Appreciate you G-Parents; & show them that as well. They are a blessing as well.
Simple question: would it be possible to speak with your Dad?? Don’t know your situation, but maybe not…
Thank you for your questions comments and suggestions. My mother died in March 2013. I feel myself thinking deeper into the grief process with the excitement of getting married. So many memories and emotions.
Amy Creagh, Take the wonderfully good memories & emotions with you–throughout life! They WILL help you. What would we do if we didn’t have WONDERFUL MEMORIES & EMOTIONS about OUR LOVED ONES GONE HOME TO HEAVEN!
God bless you & yours!
I just recently loss my mom (8/25/2013). I never thought it would literally feel as if my heart is breaking. I am so confused and experiencing so many mood swings. I feel if it wasn’t for my kids I would fall apart. My mom was my everything. It was just her and I, we depended upon each other. I could call on her for ANYTHING. We argued and made up like best friends. I feel so empty and so alone. I cant sleep and most days its a struggle just to get out of bed. Time……everyone says in time. But I’m hurting so bad
Kimberly, my heart goes out to you.I understand exactly how you feel.I lost my mom on May 11th, 2011.I realize it is over two years now, but my pain never goes away.My mom was also my best friend.We were everything to each other.Sure, people say that time heals.Most of those people still have their moms, so they don’t have a clue as to how it feels to lose your mom.The pain can be unbearable at times, especially around special occasions. In time, you learn to cope.You will know that your kids need you, and you will go on for them.My husband and son keep saying they need me, which does help.I know my mom would want me to be there for them.She loved both of them so much, as well as me. It will not be easy but you will learn to cope.You may even smile again.You may never be completely the same, cuz a major part of you is missing.The site here does help, as everyone here is facing the same loss as you.They understand, as some of even your closest friends may not.They need to feel the same loss to understand.I truly understand.I miss my mom more than anyone can ever know.Please keep in touch and post again.I care and I understand.
Hey Jude…. I just wanted to say that.. Hey Jude…
You’re not alone… and now, when we all hum the song…. we will think of you, surrounding you with warmth…
Oh, our loved Mamas….
Thank you so much for your blog, it is really helping me through “breast cancer awareness month,” I have a really hard time with all the pink ribbons and not enough focus on patients with advanced breast cancer. I lost my mother in September 2012 to MBC and can really relate to all of your posts, especially this one. As a daughter, and a nurse (and soon to be nurse practitioner) it was extremely hard to watch someone I loved so deeply go through 15 months of hospitalizations and doctors appointments. After my mom got diagnosed she was really pushing for me to get pregnant, but at the time I was finishing my BSN so I waited, and I am now 30 years old and 18 weeks pregnant and decided to do so before getting married. A lot of people have their opinions of why I should get married first, and even after I explain to them how hard it is for me to plan a wedding without my mother (who was my best friend) there and how I am still very much grieving, a lot of people still do not understand. My fiance has been great, he was there throughout the whole time I was my mom’s caregiver, but like your post said you can’t expect someone to understand the loss fully, as it’s not their loss it’s yours. I just thank you for helping me cope by reading this post and others, and if there is anyway I can help you in return don’t hesitate to email me. Take care.
How do you cope when your mum has died with the guilt of being awful to your her for no good reason and not talking or seeing her for a year and not letting her see her grandchildren. She tried so hard to see me but my pride got in the way and I refused.
That is a hard feeling to have. My dad died decades ago when I was a rebellious teen.. it took me 20 years to really feel that he knew I loved him. The important thing is first to forgive yourself.. you may have had your reasons…. or just may not have learned the important lesson that life teaches us.. Life is short, and some things just aren’t worth carrying around. Be extra kind to others.. know that when you say good-bye, it might be the last time you see them. Every time you are extra kind, remember your mother. We don’t know if there is any afterlife… some people say every time we remember someone, it is a form of reincarnation. we bring to this life their memory. When you have learned your lesson on this, and are kind, remember your mother and pat your heart… teach your children that life is short, that love is precious and should not be taken for granted. Appreciate love. Guilt has no purpose unless you learn from it.
It’s been 8 months since I lost my mother and today would have been her birthday. I never realized I would miss her so much, and for so long. People say it gets better…maybe it does? Thank you for this post, and to all of the other commenters for their stories.
My mother died today after battling breast cancer for nearly 15 years, I’m 20 and I’m the oldest of four, she was a single mother. I pray for strength to carry on and care for my siblings. Thanks for your post, it’s been calming.
So very sorry to hear of your Mother’s passing on. Very difficult days ahead for you & you siblings. I’ve had several close losses during my life–my Mom the most recent. If it were not for the HOLY SPIRIT of GOD, I NEVER would’ve made it! Don’t know how people who do not have JESUS as their LORD & SAVIOUR, can cope.
Hopefully, you all have a home church to help you all with the coming days. If not, I would advise you all to do so.
Is there anyone to help with your Mom’s arrangements? Local funeral home will be glad to help, as well I’m sure.
LOVE each other up really well–LOTS of hugs, encourage each other that it will get better. And, it will take awhile. Take it one day at a time! (Sometimes, moment by moment.) Be assured that your Mother would’ve GLADLY stayed with you all–if she’d had a choice. ALL of you need each other very deeply now. Do NOT put ANYTHING/ ANYBODY ahead of FAMILY! I…AM…SERIOUS!! ALWAYS, FAMILY FIRST!!
Personally, I enjoy solid CHRISTIAN MUSIC–CONTEMPORARY mostly; but many of the old hymns are precious–SOUND, WISE WORDS in them. There are mnay CHRISTIAN RADIO stations ON–FM & some AM! Tunemin!
You’re all in my prayers, & will ad you to church prayer chain; will inform Family & friends of your deep loss… KEEP THE FAITH–sometimes, that’s all we got left.
In CHRIST JESUS (WHO is a JEW!!),
Alice
ALLOW Others to help–long as you TRUST them.
Thank you for your prayers! God will help us get through this 🙂
My aunts and uncles, as well as my grandfather took care of everything, we’re a big family. It hurts in a way it cannot be described, but we will be fine in due time.
AMEN, little Sister! KEEP BELIEVING, KEEP TRUSTING! Family really does need to pull together through this. IN HIS NAME!
I have been reading a wonderful website. It is http://www.connect.legacy.com
I suggest people on this site read what it has to say on there as it is very helpful.
I am a hospice nurse who works in a facility. My mother had chronic obstructive pulmonary disease, high blood pressure, and dementia. She fell backwards one evening, landing on my daddy who was trying to get the bedside commode for her. Tests could not reveal exactly what caused the fall, but when she came home, she could no longer walk, sit up, or feed herself. We had her admitted with the hospice where I work. After a few days, we had her come into our facility for pain and medication management. Thirteen days later, on October 11, 1013, she passed away at age 80. I am 55 and am an only child. I am married with three grown sons and two granddaughters. I am also a Christian and have the hope of seeing her again in Heaven. Without that hope, I would be devastated. But I still feel like a scared little girl. She was always there for me. I miss her terribly, and I feel so alone. I sometimes cannot comprehend that she is really gone. But I do praise God that she is no longer in pain, she is no longer tormented and terrified by dementia, and her lungs are clear as she is breathing in heavenly air. My emotions are like a roller coaster. I am glad to have found this site. I think expressing our feelings to one another is a step in the direction of healing. Praying for each other is also helpful in our healing process. My dread now is returning to work, to the very place where my mother spend her last 13 days on earth. I dread seeing my patients go through the same stages of dying that my mother went through. I dread trying to help their families with their grief when my own grief is so fresh and overwhelming. I am taking some time off to deal with my bereavement but am scheduled to go back to work December 1, 1013. I desire your prayers, and I will pray also for you.
Donna, So sorry for your loss of your Mother. It is a horrible thing to have happen–but there is no other way. My Mom passed August 20, 2013 (breast cancer since ’06, with mets to the liver since ’09). Was BLESSED to be able to have her back here with me (from hospice unit) for one week. I miss her terribly…
Will pray for you as well. (I came across this site one day, quite by accident, attempting to find some answers–from the LORD!)
I can relate to your comments. I’m 56, single and had been caring for my mother, who had late stage dementia, in my home for the last 6 years. She fell on 6/14 and fractured 2 vertebrae. After a week in the hospital, she went to rehab for 6 weeks and then onto hospice for the last 5 days. She passed away on 8/17 with 2 wonderful hospice nurses by her side.
It’s been just over 4 months since she was at home and it feels empty. I work at home, so her absence is very real to me every minute of my day. It’s been just over 2 months since she passed. I certainly still have my moments – in fact I had a good cry this morning, but it no longer feels as raw as it first did.
Like you, I’m thankful she is no longer suffering or experiencing dementia – it frightened her like nothing ever had before. But she was still my Mom, my best friend and I will always have an empty spot in my heart longing for her. Also like you, I am a Christian and I know I will see her again, along with my father who died when I was a child.
I have recently been going through pictures on my computer and pulling good ones of Mom into a folder so I can perhaps make a timeline of Mom’s life – from a baby to 91 – kind of a way to document her life and experiences. It has been very therapeutic. Sometimes I cry, but I’m now starting to smile more as I look at the photo’s.
There were so many patients at the rehab facility who were envious of Mom and the fact that she had a daughter who spent time with her every day. I had full intentions of continuing to visit with some of those lonely patients, but I’ve not been able to drag myself back there. I did visit with one of her dinner companions, another 91yo single woman who is now back at home (although should not be living alone!) and it was difficult – so many reminders.
I did look at the connect/legacy webside another reader suggested and there are groups to meet specific needs – including one for those of us who were caregivers to our Mom with dementia. I also took advantage of 2 sessions with a grief counselor which was helpful.
It will be difficult to go back to work at the facility, but hopefully the other workers will be understanding. Perhaps it could be considered a legacy of sorts – helping others in honor of your Mom. Bless you for working with people at end of life. I never knew what special people hospice workers were until they cared for Mom.
My God bring all of us comfort as we grieve our beloved mothers.
I lost my mom 3 years ago at age 84. An extremely classy lady, quick witted, humorous, very learned and made you feel as though you were the most important person in the room. She was my mentor, closest ally, my confidant and my life long best friend — and I miss her every hour of every day – immensely. The feeling never goes away…it just gets more distant. Funny thing, when I pray once in a while at night to give mom an update – I seem to get a ‘sign’ the next day that she received my message! I truly feel her spirit around me. And for that I’m grateful…we’re not alone, we have each other, and of course, as always – our moms.
Hi Sylvia,
I am sorry you are going through so much pain. I lost my mom to lung cancer Christmas of last year…about 10 months ago. I miss her every minute. I would really, really encourage you to speak to a grief counselor on a regular basis to help you get through this. I have, (through hospice), and it has helped me a lot. Is that something you would consider? -Joan
Hi Joan,
Thank you for responding. I am looking into this. I had been looking for a grief support group but could not find one local, so I thought I would check with Hospice.
Where’s Mom?
she’s everywhere…
she’s in the wind that blows through your hair… her soul is the shooting star that lights-up across the darkened sky… she’s the flower in full bloom… she’s the butterfly that seemed to linger just a little too long… she’s the the shadow that you swore you just saw out of the corner of your eye… she’s present when you swear you just caught a whiff of her favorite perfume.
but, most of all, she’s in your heart!
My beautiful mother passed away on October 4th after suffering from hepatopulmonary syndrome. The end came quickly, but she had not been herself for 3 years.
We spent her last days surrounded by her siblings and all of our immediate family. We didn’t bother with the “let’s be quiet, she’s in the ICU”. We laughed, sang, told stories… I would help her leave the same way if I had to do it over again. It’s beautiful to think about – even though so very painful.
My fear is that this hollowness won’t ever go away. In some ways I don’t want it to – but in some ways I don’t like the idea of living with this pain. My mother wouldn’t want me to hurt everyday. I had a friend tell me that his dad had died 16 years ago, but that they still had daily conversations. He was still his dad and that the lessons he had taught him never went away.
So I’m hanging on to that. It’s not that I don’t have a mother anymore – it’s just that our relationship has been forced to change.
I wanted to post this poem by an English poet Olivia McCannon:
Nothing I Can Do
There is nothing I can do
I have fiddled with your pillows
Adjusted the angle of the bed
Stroked your head
Held your hand and hoped for a squeeze
Covered you with blankets
Taken them off again
Changed your sheets
Changed your nightie
Tried you with water
Milk tea coffee juice
Dabbed rosewater on your neck
Brushed your hair
Kissed your cheek
Talked to you
Asked you questions questions
Are you in pain
Are you worse
Are you comfortable
Are you okay
I don’t know what the answer is
I tidy the pills you’ve stopped taking
I make a hot-water bottle for your feet
I put on some music
I light a candle
I hold your hand
I weep
There is nothing I can do.
My mother passed away Aug 5th 2013 and I gave birth to my son Aug 23 2013. I am happy to say i did spend all the time i could with her and we did get to cuddle in bed together and she got to feel him wiggling around and kicking. That is the most precious memory I will have of us together. She as well as most of your mothers, and her mother, got what we called the “c word.” She was diagnosed with bile duct cancer last Sept 2012. Since this topic is so fresh I am more pissed that she got this nasty disease at such a young age more than anything. My heart is forever broken I am deeply sorry you ladies lost such an important person in your life and that i can soon find peace with what had happened.
I said the other day I am so happy we always have had the most amazing relationship. She is honestly my best friend.
Thank you, Helen…
i lost my mom on 28/10/2013 at age 63. she just died that afternoon no one knows what really happened but she was perfectly fine the doctor said it was hypertension. i dont know where to strart am 27 and a mom of two. being the last born i was soo attached to her. on that particular morning i had spoken to her over the phone, am married and live far away from her and she was fine and so happy as we spoke on the phone, the news of her death came as a shock just 4 hours after our conversation. i never knew death was this hard. i dont know how am going to pull through the next years of my life without her, but am trying to be strong outwardly for the sake of my father and daughters but inside am crumbling i had so many plans for her was actually planning on buying her a car and renovating her house with my siblings of cause we going to do that for our dad. life is hard now i understand.
So sorry for your loss of your Mom. Yes, it is very hard. You can find your WAY through this–as we all must. Always recall how special your conversation with Mom that morning. Would suggest a Personal Relationship with JESUS CHRIST. (Please do not take offense.) Allow your Spouse & children to help see you through this as well. Take care, & The LORD bless & keep you & yours.
Virginia, Very sorry for your loss of your Mom as well. Yes, the “c” has taken MUCH away from us…I agree it was EXTRA SPECIAL to be able to cuddle with our PRECIOUS MOMS, even for a short time. My AMAZING, REMARKABLE MOM passed August 20, 2013. I miss her very much! And look forward to REUNION DAY, someday–soon.
Hi,
I lost my mum 8 years ago to cancer and i now only have my dad. I tried my wedding dress on this morning for the first and i was totally fine but for a split minute i did have to take a big gulp as i did want to cry.
Then as i was walking home all i wanted to do was sob my heart out. Whn i tried the dress on and looked iver to the chair where mums & family would sit but all i wanted was to see my mums face. My mother loved my partner dearly and always wanted us to get married.
I have been fine for so long and have’nt cried in a very long time but today it felt like my mum had just passed away. I came across your sight whist searching for answers and i just wanna thank you. You have explained things beautifly and i now know that this is going to be one if many small breakdowns,lol.Thank you for making the grief alittle bit more bearable.xx
Laura, So sorry in the loss of your Mom–hurts alot. The ONE who received your Mom HOME to HEAVEN, is Jesus Christ.
I can’t get over the moms death. It will be a year dec. 5 We were one so much alike I am 51 and mommy was 73 but she still did waitress work drove a red. Mustang and had diamond earrings down both ears my mom was a diva .she has 5 kids but I was always her nomoe ,I as she said was the needy one we had a bond in life that mommy said. Can’t. even be. Broke in death. I cry for her everyday .i don’t let anyone see me. My mom would always grab me bathe face and say girl look at you you are so beautiful look in that. Irror mom would give anything to have those big brown eyes’ so when you get down on yourself go look in that mirror dry those tears and say hey I am beautiful.we were one no matter how old you are you always need your mom. I can’t get over her my heart is so empty .mom h had a cerebellum Vascular anurisum I always knew what mommy wanted and after passing she had all her wishes come true out of 5 kids I’m the youngest but she knew I knew her. Better than anyone for no one took the time to see how beautiful she is . I have all the memories and they never stopped to make any I wear her ashes around my neck in a clear heart she is so close to me I can’t wait tone with her again the pain is to unbearable I love you mommy Linda Lee Turner Batey from Reynoldsburg Ohio who was employed at the Hickory house in Gahanna Ohio I. Love you beautiful angel mommy I love so much it hurt to breath
My Mom and I are currently going through this due to she is terminal cancer now after two fights already with cancer of some type. Because of past events in our lives as I was growing up I felt my mother was not their for me once I became a mother myself, but through the years and she and I talking with some counseling realized she truly did the best she could for me and loved me with all her heart. No one is perfect and neither is your own mother. I am now still in grieving while she is dying to the relationship we currently have and have been building. It feels like their is never going to be enough time to tell how and express how much I will miss her and wish she will still be on the end of that phone line when I need her or she needs me. It is so hard to try to hold it together so I can let her live the rest of what she has not worrying about all of her 5 adult children and grand kids, all of her loved ones. I want her to be Happy as she can and even though she tells me she is not scared of dying I fear when that moment comes she will be so scared as I am so scared to see her like that and I want to make sure I can comfort her if she needs it in her time of need. I know that I will be able to do this cause it is what she needs and she is my mother and would do anything ,ANYTHING for her because she has always been their for me even when I though she was not. I can not let my fear get in my way and I am trying to cope to make sure I will be able to do this.
I love my mother and after do not want her to suffer anymore she has had enough suffering in her life but I know it will be hard and I also know from being a mother myself that my mother will do anything to help me if she can even knowing she is the one that I feel needs more support then any of us because we are not dying. A mothers love is one of God’s Greatest Gifts you can have in your life whether it is your biological mother or adopted mother,stand in Grandma that has raised you they will always love you unconditional no matter what. I think of my mother already as one of god’s angels because they love you just like God’s does and will still punish you to let you see the light of what is the proper way to be.
I am sorry if I have made some issues for others here by posting this but I can not post this on social media because my mom does not want pity from anyone she tells me it is what it is and this is the path God put her on (totally understand that saying seeing it for myself in my own life) But beside God,my children ,husband ,brothers,she is my whole life and I will miss her and love her always and want to be able to say that to everyone!!!
God is your first love then second your mother when you bond very well with your mother and each love is different and great. I love you momma and I do know even in death you will be here for me in my heart and mind and will cherish every past ,present and future time with you.
My mom passed away suddenly 3 months ago from a brain aneursym at 69. According to the medical examiner, she should have passed in her 40’s or 50’s. My mom and I were exremely close…she was my everything. My dad passed away when I was 5 and it was really just me and my mom all my life. I can’t begin to explain how lost I feel all the time and how pointless everything seems. In my mom’s last couple of years she began acting strangely and pushing me out of her life. I found out after her death she was hiding illnesses from me (found out she had breast cancer and other things going on healthwise). I’m so hurt she didnt let me take care of her and be there for her. I would have done anything for her. I cried to my fiance so many nights not understanding what was going (and deep down knowing something was very wrong but having no way to find out). I have my fiance who I love very much and has been amazing and close friends but they will never understand. They will never know how much it hurts me to listen to them talk about going home for the holidays, or calling their moms, etc. I have no family and its been so hard disgesting that my safety net is gone. I’ll never be able to call my mom and ask her what I should do. Its funny, after I found out she died its the first instinct I had – call her and ask her what I should do. I feel so much guilt for not starting a family while she was still alive because she wanted to be a grandmother so badly. I couple of years ago I decided to go back to school to become a nurse, and my fiance and I decided to wait until I was done with school. I just miss her, plain and simple. She was the smartest person I knew and also the kindest.
I know that from being a mother no matter how she acted towards you she only did what she felt she needed to as a mother to protect you from pain. A mother never wants to see her children in pain emotional or physical. I am glad you see this and know that she does love you and will always no matter what she will always be with you even in her death. I had a growing moment today for me and hope that some of what I say has eased your pain and how much you miss her and understanding of the whole thing. God Bless You and I am praying for you to feel peace with this.
My Mother went down a few days before Thanksgiving and just passed Dec. 10th of this year. I am glad I had a chance to grief for her loss and we came closer together then ever. Although I did not wish her to stay here in pain for anyone cause I have learned my mother suffer a lot all her life but she did it for the LOVE of her family. She went fast and they told us it would get really aggressive and it did and I thank the lord every day for her suffering to only last a short time. She passed with 2 1/2 to 3 months for her finding out she was terminal. My mother was not able to be with her mother when she was ill like her and I was grateful to be able to be by her side. Even though sometimes I could not bare it and had to leave. I will miss her forever but do know that she will always be with me. I was the last face she saw and she smiled at me with thrilling excitement. I told her that I love her and be at peace. I will never forget the beautiful and hard times we shared through our lives and her illness together. I was happy for my mother that she got to go be with all her loved ones she missed for so many years. My mother came from Germany and moved to the states with my father. She never got to see her family much because of hard times and 5 children she needed to care for. So being far away from home she could not do as she wanted but she is in heaven with everyone and is watching from above to keep us all in line and when we need a friend/mother to talk to.
For the past 12months i have been looking through these comments ..trying to imagine how i could ever cope without my mom or how i would feel or what i would do.
my mom had breast cancer in 2008 but made an excellent recovery and was thankful every single day that she got better but in Nov last year(2012) having had a prolonged cough went for investigations to find she had lung cancer and mets in the liver. i don’t think i could ever explain how i felt after hearing the diagnosis ..its engraved in my mind forever..for 12months i came to accept she would not be around to meet her grandchildren,see me get married or even see her 60th birthday..these thoughts have lingered in my mind for so long and the tears and heart break that i experienced had a massive impact on my life -so much so i feel a lot of my grieving was done while she was still alive.In June she went on permanent oxygen and had palliative care set up at home.my father and brother were very much in denial and tried to believe she would get better or maintain the level she was at-because i am a midwife(with no experience of oncology what so ever) i was expected to speak with palliative care,doctors,nurses and attend every appointment by my father who did not go to any -as he like to phrase it “you know more about that kind of thing” ..its been an exhausting year.Mom went into hospital mid October this year and passed away Nov 5th 2013 at the age of 57.i slept by her bed on her last night(i will be forever grateful for that memory)although i had stepped out for a quick bite with my aunt i missed the moment she passed..my father,brother and two aunts were by her side.its only now my father and brother are starting to experience what i did 12months ago and its certainly not easy as they were sheltered for so long. my mother was a wonderful lady and at 24 i really did not think i would be without her at this age of my life. Because of the trauma of the past 12 months has now come to an end ..there is nothing to feel but peace now and i can feel her spirit all around me in everything i do.from reading and re reading these comments over the past few months with tears in my eyes and a heaviness in my heart i cant honestly say there is now a lightness in my body now..with dry eyes and a sense of calmness around me i type this.i know that my mom and all of your mothers are some place wonderful now where there is nothing but joy and happiness surrounding them.i will continue to bring my mother along with me in life and know she is watching over me.
Love to you all
xxxxxxx
Eleanor, thank you for posting. I’m sorry for the loss of your mom. I am 49 and married with two middle school aged daughters. My mom passed from lung cancer a few minutes past Christmas last year. We were so, so close. She was an amazing mom and grandmother. This has been the hardest year (plus the 5 months of her illness) that I have ever experienced. In the time since she’s passed, there have been two specific incidents where I know my mom was with us. That has given me a lot of comfort but it doesn’t take away the pain most of the time. How did you get to the point of feeling calm and light? I would love to feel that way again someday….
Hi Joan,feeling the way i do now having lost my mom only 3weeks ago is something i could never expect.I think watching her go through treatment in 2008 was very hard but absolutely devastating the second time .From the moment i heard the news that she had been diagnosed with secondaries i was trying to mentally prepare myself for the worst..and that’s how i found this site-it has brought me huge comfort and i remember thinking some day i will be among theses ladies who has lost their mom.For what has gone on in 12months was worse than any sadness im feeling now .My mom was a carer herself in the community and also worked with my father on farm,she loved the outdoors and could never just sit and relax she was always on the go.Watching her being cared for by the colleagues she once worked with was very hard even more so when she couldn’t go out in the farm which in itself was a therapy for her.I think the fear than ran through my body for every appointment and the awaited results was terrifying for all of us ..all i could think of is ..how much more bad news can we possibly get?!i also worried about how she would die..would she be frightened/alone/in pain/at home..i was always worried i would be working nights and it would happen while i was away.When she did pass it could not have been more peaceful.All her nearest and dearest were with her and because i spent her last night with her i have great comfort from that.No regrets.The night after she died i dreamed of her..that i came into her set up bedroom downstairs and she had just woken up..she removed her oxygen mask,started to fold up the sheets in the bed and just simply said “im not sick now i don’t need this stuff anymore” and proceeded to walk towards the kitchen to make the dinner.I woke that morning with such an ease in my body because i know she is better now and free of the suffering.she doesn’t need any more treatment now and her soul is free.she always told me that she would watch over me if she were to die ..at the time i didn’t want to hear it but i truly believe it now.The sting of losing her has hit me hard,i started work again yesterday and i really missed my routine of calling her after my shift.Even though it hurts the sense of peace i feel deep down is amazing,i do little things to keep her presence in my home, always lighting candles i even make the odd hot whiskey which is something we would do on cold winter nights.I feel her so close to me all the time because i know she is close.My mother never fully recovered from the death of her own mother,she passed just two months before i was born.Mom would often speak of how much she missed her even 24years later it was very raw for her.I know now they are reunited and happy together again and for that i feel such joy for her.There is a lot i have to face now without her by my side but i had to let her go as she had done what she needed to do in this life.i hope i feel her presence as strongly as i do now for the rest of my life.xxxxxx
I have read this article and felt for the first time in a few weeks human.
My mother died 16 years ago – in the last month despite being incredibly happy to be planning my wedding next year to a wonderful wonderful man I have become incredibly emotional and cheesed off!
Everyone says its understandable but she would not want you to be unhappy – the thing is I am not unhappy I feel like I am grieving….I have been very unhappy at other times in my life so I know the difference between this and what I am going through.
it is incredibly hard until someone goes through what you go through to get it…..others deal with loss without drama but then every situation is different as are we all as people so will handle it differently.
so should I embrace the emotion as you should when you grieve? i think so it could be the first time I have ever felt this way in all the 16 years since she died…i feel settled, happy, my life is mapped out and it feels good like i have real purpose so maybe now my heart is opening and relaxing so hence all this emotion is coming out….
i find little things irritate me but reading up on grief this is common as well…I just need to find a means to channel this…..
I guess maybe I need to give myself a break and let it out…..and then I will turn a corner when it feels better…..
My mom died on June 12, 2012 after a tortuous journey with chronic microvascular ischemic dementia. She had suffered several non detectable strokes; one too many started the cascading effects of physical and mental demise. When she died, she was 71 pounds and her right leg was contracted up to her chest.
I not only grieve her death and that very understandable loss, I grieve multiple losses that preceded and followed her illness and death. I grieve watching her change, I grieve that she didn’t die at home as she wanted to, I grieve the sale of my childhood home, I grieve that I was 1000 miles away during her demise, instead of in the same town, I grieve that summer visits, Thanksgiving and Christmas will never be the same, I grieve that my brothers and I will never celebrate those traditions the same way.
My grief has turned to panic attacks this past week, and I feel scared. Grief was hard enough, but now the fear, the racing heart, the mother hunger, the longing, the “will never go home again” has consumed me.
I’ve done everything I know how to move forward….grief support groups, prayer, walking, working, helping others, staying engaged……….but there is a darkness, a cloud, an emptiness, a hole, that in the past week has paralyzed me. I had unexpected time off and just wanted to sleep. However, I can’t sleep and so the vicious cycle continues.
Thank you for listening………..I appreciate those who understand.
Sorry: that was supposed to read:I find good, solid CHRISTIAN music comforting…
Today marks the 8th year that I placed my mother’s wood box with the Bronze Letters BELOVED MOTHER in her little cubicle on the wall of fellow cremation mother’s, dad’s, sister’s, etc. I went to church this morning, but the rest of the day I have relived that cold December 3, 2005. I have never been the same I try so hard to put up a front, but on my alone time it still grips me with a spear to my heart. I had her for 63 l/2 of the most beautiful years of my life. She was a very special, kind, generous and loving person, a devoted mother. The only thing that I look forward to is that it won’t be that long when I will join her and the rest of my dear ones in Heaven. He promised and He never breaks a Promise.
My mom died 3 years ago – I wore one of her scarves today and for a brief moment I smelled her perfume. I miss her so much!
I recently lost my mother this year . . . she was 50 and I am 26. It’s been 6 months since she passed and while I am able to feel ok around friends and family I tend to break down when I am alone.
The lines of communication with my friends and family are not strained. I talk about my mom all the time. What she would have said in a certain situation, what she used to do, the things she liked. Talking about her helps me feel better.
I just wonder if I should let myself grieve by myself . . . I tend to be an introverted individual, but is letting my self grieve alone healthy?
I lost my mother two month’s ago and like so many of you I feel like a lost little girl. She spent the last month and a half in the hospital. I was there everyday sometimes 2 or 3 times a day. I don’t have a husband or kids so I have such a whole in my life and my heart. She was my “person”. I am so grateful to God for giving us some precios moments before she died. Alot of the time she wasn’t herself. She had several mini-strokes. But she was really better for a day, and we got to say all those things you want to say before someone dies. And although we didn’t always get along (we lived next door to eachother and they say you hurt the ones you love) in the end I was really there for her and she knew I loved her and I finally realized how much she loved me. It’s funny how differant life and death looks to you when you lose someone you love so much. I would give anything to see her one more time, look in her eyes one more time, hold her hand one more time!!! I’ve never know pain like this. I still live in the house next door to hers and everyday on my way home from work it is a constant reminder that she isn’t there anymore. I move in the Spring and hopefully that will help me to move forward. Thank you all for sharing your stories, it helps to know that what I am feeling is normal. I know I will see her in heaven one day, I just miss her more than words can say. The holdays are especialy hard as you all know, especially the first. We always did the Christmas tree together, no tree this year. I pray that God blesses all of you and heals your broken hearts!!
May the LORD also bless you, and heal your broken heart as well, Lisa.
My mother died when I was 11 months old. Growing up, I dont really remember anyone talking about her very much. And now that im 25 im struggling with all the “what could have beens” along with the thought that I have outlived her, as she was 22 at the time of her passing. At the same time I get to deal with being her twin. Apparently we look and act alike. This article touched my heart. And I hope to allow myself to grieve her at some point. I tend to work to the point that I dont think or feel anything about it. The part tbat says theres a void that wont ever be filled couldnt be more true. I have women in my life who have been there for me, but none are my own mother. They’re borrowed, and as much as they love me and I love them, I cant help but feeling its never going to be the same.
Hi, I need help! My Mom is 90 ~ I lost her mental because of her dementia. Since I was young, I was so close to Mom and respected her in every day. I’m so sad that I have changed as well. She has 24 hour aids. I don’t see her or talk to her much. My guilt is over whelming. I know that this is a difficult disease. The woman that I love so much. I was always their for her when she needed me. I suffer from severe depression. I have also know and need to go with her when she dies. That has been my plan since I was younger. My life will be so incomplete without her. If I do go ahead with it when she passes, do you think I would be with her? Please help me!
Dear Gail, Had replied to you last night, but didn’t place your name to it–sorry!
Will you please read my comments from December 19 2013 at 1:04 am? I don’t mean any harm or stress. I do hope you will read…I DID “reply” specifically to YOUR comments, asking for help. But, somehow when I clicked on the “reply” button, it was NOT directed to YOUR comments! Don’t know HOW or WHY. Just a website problem, I guess. Ok. Don’t want to keep on. Love & Prayers to you & your Mom Gail!
My 91 year old mother passes away in August after a 5 year battle with dementia, the last 2 years of which were especially tough. She fell and fractured 2 vertebrae 8 weeks before she passed and was in a rehab facility.
Like you and your mom, we were always especially close since dad died when I was very young.
I can only speak from my experience, but it was important to me that I spend as much time with mom as I could when she was there. Although she declined significantly after her fall, she had moments of clarity and her eyes lit up when she saw me coming down the tall – she didn’t always know I was her daughter, but she knew she trusted me. During her last 36 hours when she went under hospice crisis care (a nurse was by her bed at all times), she had amazing moments of clarity! I don’t think that always happens, but it was almost as if the dementia was gone.
It definitely helped her that I was with her every day, even if for a short time. And it most certainly helped me.
When you are caring for someone with dementia, it’s difficult to not yell back. And when mom was having one of her clearheaded moments shortly after moving to rehab, I was able to apologize to her for sometimes losing my temper and she verbally said that it was ok and she forgave me. That was huge!
It’s important to make peace with your mom and her current situation while you still can. More for you than her. If you had a close relationship, that didn’t end. The disease is preventing it – not your mom.
I can also say from experience that after mom passed, the horrible experiences of the last 2 years faded into a distant memory. When I think of mom, I remember her as my best friend, the amazing and fun woman that she was – not what the disease did to her.
May God bless and hold you and your mom through this difficult journey.
Gail – I just reread your post and realized what you wrote. Your mother would want you to live your life! As hard as it is to lose a parent, it’s the natural order of life. You can get through this and move on to live a life that would make your mom proud! Children are parents legacy – give her the best legacy you can!
I don’t know if you believe in God, but He loves you and will be at your side throughout this journey. In my mothers last few days, I saw God’s hand in more tangible ways than I have ever seen in my life, and it gave me strength to keep going.
I also talked with a grief counselor at hospice which was extremely helpful. I would strongly suggest you do that.
Each day of life is a precious gift! You can get through these dark days to see the amazing new experiences which are still to come. Don’t let the devil take that away from you!
God bless and keep you, Gail. Praying for you.
This sounds like you’re going to take your own life. DO NOT DO IT! NOT, NOT, NOT! This will NOT assure that you’ll be with your Mom (maybe the opposite). For CERTAIN. Are you on medications for your depression? What do you do for yourself & your depression?
Believe me, your Mom would NOT want you to end your life! NO MATTER WHAT!
Whenever your Mom’s time comes around–you CAN get through it. YES, you CAN.
It takes time, but you can get through it! It will NOT be easy–as you well know. Do you have brothers/sisters? If so, TALK with them! Tell them how you’re feeling. If NO Bros/Sisses, seek out a GOOD COUNSELOR–a CLERGYMAN, a DOCTOR, a CHURCH! This is a GROWING, LEARNING process–FOR YOUR GOOD.
NOT your downfall.
I believe this whole situation, circumstance, is to teach you; try to think of it as something your Mom IS teaching you. So that you will be a healthier, happier woman. If she could stay here, in this realm of life, she WOULD! Because she loves you SO MUCH! However, a time will come that she (nor YOU) will have NO OTHER CHOICE in the matter.
Also, I STRONGLY suggest you seek out a PASTOR/PRIEST/RABBI–not knowing what sort of FAITH your Mother grew you up with…you & your Mom will be in my prayers to the LORD JESUS; & added to the prayer list/chain at church. BE GOOD!
Your Mom wants you to be good…it would definitely please her.
I am VERY sorry that your Mom is so ill–it IS heart wrenching. See her when you can–SPEAK sweetly to her–as if she knows what you’re saying to her! Sometimes, they understand more, remember more than what medical science seems to know about! HONESTLY. Please don’t allow this severe depression RUIN your life! YOU, TAKE CONTROL OF IT! DON’T LET IT TAKE CONTROL OF YOU! With PRAYERFUL HUGS to you & your Mom. GOD BLESS YOU BOTH.
LOREE: AMEN! (You may want to reply to Gail/Dec 18, 2013 @ 1801–which is 6:01 pm).
Loree: Thank you in your address to Gail. I DID reply to her as well, but FAILED to attach her name to it. God bless you & yours as well!
Hi im 17 and i lost my mother back in april of 2013. Could she still be with me I don’t know but I miss her alot and my grandma can feel her and see her why can’t I see her
I woke up one night to a smell of gun powder my lil brother was getting shot in the other room then the intruder came into my room were I was with my sister shot her 6times I was shocked then he short me 3times went out left the door wide open around 3am in the morning I got up to check. My mother I found her dead on the kitchen floor a bullet on the head and heart I’ve never felt so horrified in my life the cops still don’t get the killer I can’t sleep at night I never got concelling even today I’m 22 and I still sleep restless I don’t think ill ever heal is been 8 months since she past away I have no relatives my older sister left the house after my moms death never came back is hard for me and my siblings but I pray everyday that god help us find healing
I too lost my mother on Aug 8,2013 at the age of 76, I am 48 yrs old. She was diagnosed with Stage IIIB inoperable cervical cancer and acute renal failure on Aug 7,2012…I quit my job when she was released from the hospital after being diagnoses and moved in with her leaving my own family (which they were very supportive of) to take care of her and take her to ALL of her treatments and appointments…My was VERY determined to try every available treatment that she was able to do and during the year she was ill she ended up getting MRSA three times, one time from her PIC line and the other two times were from her stents in her kidneys (the doctors waited way to long to change them out causing her to get infection and then the MRSA…the last time she got the MRSA (which ended up taking her life) I begged and pleaded with the doctors to test her urine because she had all the same symptoms as before but worse(and she was almost complete with her 12 rounds of chemo, only three to go) and they would not do it until the day I finally had to go make a scene and demand they check it and at this point they tested it and sure enough it was the MRSA only they waited to long and her immune system was VERY low from the chemo and it had already spread into her blood stream…She was admitted to the hospital on July 17 and by July 26,2013 she began to have seizures and I was there with her EVERY STEP of the way and watching helplessly and it was breaking my heart in two not being able to help her…they moved her to ICU and said that she wasnt going to wake up or make it through the night…by 6 am the next morning she started coming too and then by the afternoon she was trying to talk but it effected her speach and she was not able to say alot…then they decided the next day to take her out of ICU and move her to PCU and then after being there for a day moved her to Hospice saying they were controlling her pain and sending her HOME…Again I stayed RIGHT by her side holding her hand until she passed away on Aug7,2013…I had to tell her it was ok for her to go… she struggled for 4 days before finally letting go…It was the HARDEST most heart breaking thing I have EVER had to do…I still am having sever issues and grieving for her… and NO ONE seems to understand and keeps telling me that I should be better by now…by I am struggling with her loss still today…some days alot more than others…It is really hard when no one wants to talk with me about my pain or sorrow and it makes me feel soo alone…and MISSING her terribly…she is the one that I would always call and talk to on a daily basis when I was not with her and she was truely my best friend and we really grew very close when I moved in with her to take care of her…Missing her EVERY day
Hi Sue,
I understand completely how you feel.I lost my mom to cancer on May 11th,2011.Now, I know that was 2 and a half years ago but time don’t change anything.I still miss my mom as much as when she first passed away. In fact, I miss her more and more everyday.She was and still is my very best friend. Just like you, I took care of my mom completely.I would have done anything for her.I also feel very alone at times.People do not understand.They say that they do and they promise to always be there for you.However, after a month or two they will start to drift away.They will get tired of you talking about the person you lost.They just don’t understand ,cuz most of them still have their moms.They ccan’t understand how you or I feel.A good true friend will stand by you and listen to what you need.It is just unfortunate that there aren’t too many true friends anymore.I understand and all the people on this site understands.You can always talk to us and we will be glad to listen.No one can ever really ease the pain of losing your mom.You will always feel her loss and miss her terribly.My mom was 78, and only lasted 4 months after being diagnosed with cancer.I will never forget the day she left me.I held her hand till the very end, and never wanted to let go.My heart broke that night, and it can never be repaired.My heart goes out to you Sue.I do truly understand your pain.Please post again.I do care and I will listen!
Thank you Gloria…You are truely correct…They people who all claimed to be my friends are now gone and if I speak of mom at all in any way people all the sudden go silent and will not talk to leave or hang up etc…I WILL not let people like that try and make me forget about her or her memory…and you are also correct that they have BOTH their parents still and CAN NEVER say they understand how I feel until they go through what we went through taking care of, nurturing and growing a VERY close bond the our moms right up to the end and wanting to try and move heaven and earth to make them better and stay a little longer with us with out pain and suffering…My sister was not their for my mother and claims to know what I am going through but she was not there all the nights she was up sick throwing up and having to be be rushed to the ER at midnight during a tropical storm etc…I was there for it all and I will NEVER forget any of what I helped mom over come in the year she fought..doctors originally told her only a couple months and with me being her cheerleader and support team we at least got her a year but could have been more…I told her from the start that I would be there from DAY 1 until the END and that promise I KEPT…I also promissed her that after she was gone I would go visit with her at least once a week at the cematary and I have kept that promise and will until I am no longer her and I am with her…my siblings have NOT been the the grave since the day of the funeral…I make sure she has nice things on her grave for holidays, birthday and every day to let her know I miss her so and think about her EVERY single day…There is not a day that does by that she is NOT in my thoughts…it still seems so hard with out her and everyone keeps saying I should be past that my now…but they dont understand how close and protective of her I began with her over the past year and a half and they never will….I feel so very alone every day and it seems to get worse as the days go by…which make me more and more depressed where I don’t want to go any where except to drive the 45 minutes to the cemetary and visit with her and dont want to be around other people any more…I have been told just shake it off and get back out and get on with your life… 🙁 my life will NEVER be the same again…I too sat with mom until her last breath and was devistated and didnt want to let her go…
Hi Sue,
Yes, you are so correct on everything that you have said.I have felt all the same emotions as you are feeling, and I still do.It will not matter how many months or even years that go by, the pain of missing our moms will always be with us.I also have a sister who was never there for mom.I am not even sure where she lives exactly, nor do I care.My sister is the kind of person that only cares about herself.I couldn’t even locate her when mom became terminally ill.My mom said not to bother, that she had me and I was all she needed.I do have a great husband, who loves my mom very much.He did everything he could for her.I have one son also, who misses Nana terribly.I basically have no one else.Most of my family members have all passed away.Any ones remaining, I have no clue as to where they are.I only have the one sister, who is useless.She never cared enough about mom, so she wouldn’t care about me.Most of my friends have drifted away.Who cares?? If they had been true friends, they would still be here.They say to call them if I need anything. I don’t bother, cuz the only thing I need is my mom.I talk about her constantly.I don’t care if people don’t want to hear me anymore.My husband listens, and tries his best to comfort me.He also lost his mom to cancer.She was only 58.My mom was 78. He still has his dad though and brothers and sisters.I lost my dad when I was only six.I was raised by my mom and grandfather.He passed many years ago at the age of 86.My son is named after him.After that, it was mom and I.We were everything to each other.I will never get over losing her.I just try and cope the best I can.I know my son needs me, and that keeps me going.I have mom’s pictures and memories all around me.My husband even gave me a gold locket for Christmas with moms picture in it along with my son’s.I wear it all the time.That locket means the world to me.My mom is always with me and in my heart.As you can tell, I do understand all your feelings.I know the pain you are in missing your mom.I share all that pain as well.Just know that I am here to always listen and I will always understand.I hope in some way that can help you.Please take care.I will be looking for your next post.
Sending Lots Of Hugs, Gloria
Gloria, thank you so much…I am very glad that I have found this site…it has really been a relief to be able to talk to others that understand what I have been trying to explain to everyone else that I am feeling and going through and them not understand…I still have my days that I have struggled getting through the day and being depressed because I STILL really miss her so….It was just the 6 month anniversary of her passing…I still want to pick up the phone and call her just to hear her voice and would love to be able to just feel a hug from her… 🙁
I lost my mom at the age of 10 and it was the hardest experience I have ever gone through in my entire life. She will never see my graduate school, get married, have kids, start my family. It’s hard, but I’m slowly getting through it.
I also lost my mother at the age of 11 years old. I am now 70 and I would like to tell you
younger women that it is one of the most painful things that happens to a person.
What I have learned is how it colors your life will also color the life of any future family you
may have. It certainly effected mine. I think I tried hard to have my children grow up to be self sufficient without me not to need me like I needed my mother, I did not want them to miss me or feel the pain I have felt, I thought I could protect them, but I was wrong.
I only succeeded in creating a son who is super sensitive to the fear of losing me and a daughter who keeps me at a distance while she raises her own children – I guess I might be able to say that I was successful in creating one child who wouldn’t need me, but now I feel like that very fact has kept us from creating the extended family bond that will effect her children. I only wish help had been available to me when I was young enough to have
learned how to be a more effective mother for both of my children.
r
I just lost my Mom on January 9, 2014. She was 85 & fell on November 2, 2013 & had to have a brain clot removed from her head. She fought so hard for over 2 months to stay. But she suffered so greatly. I stayed with her & took care of her at 3 different hospitals & finally Hospice. I was there when she passed into heaven. I love & miss her so very much. I still see her face & her eyes, her tears as I told her how much I loved her & said all of her children, grand children, great grand & great great grand childrens names to her. Losing her hurts so much & I keep calling her name. She was my best friend, my advisor, my prayer warrior & my Mom! Not sure how to get through, but I know she would want me to. I Love You Mom!!!
Hi Elizabeth, my Mom just passed recently and I feel in “no man’s land”. It’s almost like I’m numb. My Mom had dementia and was in a care home. On Christmas Eve the family were called in and as we are Catholic, she had Last Rites (last Catholic Sacrament) on the following Monday. It’s was a rollercoaster after that, poor Mom was up and down, a fighter to the last. My sister and I were with her when she passed. Even though she was in a home,
I devoted my life to her. I was the only one who wasn’t working, so I had the time. I have a huge void in my life and I am not coping very well, even though I have a very supportive family. I just can’t talk, I have not really accepted her death. I know I need counselling but at the moment I can’t deal with it. Like your Mom, my Mom was my best friend to. She advised, she was there to pick up the pieces, she was just always there for me and never passed any judgement. I am bereft with grief but not showing it. May your Mom and my Mom rest in peace.
Lynda
My mom died 6 years ago. She was my best friend and eveything else you said. The first year I just cried and cried. Suddenly. Driving in my car, at my desk at work, drinking coffee in the morning, walking the dogs … I don’t think anyone who loves someone with so much passion gets over their passing. How often does anyone feel so passionate about anything or anyone? My mom made me laugh like no one else can, understood me just by looking at me, she doted on me and I doted on her. I really wish there was a spirit world and I could close my eyes and see her floating or whatever in front of me. I try to concentrate on how lucky I was to have a mom I could love so much and who loved me just as equally. But today I was feeling down and wanted to see how other people deal with this and see I am absolutely not at all alone which actually makes me feel a lot better. May all our mom’s rest in peace and for those of us who are a mom may we be as lovely and loving to our daughters/sons as our moms were to us. Amen. Now for the very personal part: I gave birth to a daughter after my mom died. 3x I have smelt her distinctive perfume in my daughter’s room (I have a good nose). Right after her funeral at the “party”, there were wind chimes outside but no wind. I said jokingly, “If mom can hear me, make the chimes, well, chime!” and a big gust of wind blew them and they chimed and everyone simply freaked. Finally, during a year after her death I would hear time and again the old song “I just called to say I love you” by Stevie Wonder on the radio. This is significant because it was the song I picked to play at her funeral because she used to call me and “sing it”. It is one darn long song and too weird to hear on the radio time and again after she died (and especially because it is not very popular). But, it has been 6 years now and after about 2 years from her death I didn’t get anymore “signs”. I liked getting them but I really don’t understand this kind of stuff.
This was an absolute beautiful post.
I’d lay here wondering if grieving ever went away and searched away on google and came across this. I feel I’m not alone’
I’m 22 and my mum passed away when I was just 7 years old leaving behind me and my 3 younger siblings. She was just 25 years old’ breast cancer .. the biggest anxiety of my life. She was dignosed at the age of 21 and now being in the age range of her illness it’s even more daunting. I feel I’ve lost a big part of my life like I hadn’t fulfilled anything in life because I’ve been so depressed to have the motivation to do anything’ I haven’t had the kick up the bum I needed. I dwell on the past to much and think I may just still be grieving’ I have 2 beautiful young children and I know she would have loved them as much as she loved her children and I love my children. A mothers love is unconditional and I wish I had it for longer. For my siblings too. It’s nice to see other peoples story’s just to know that I am not alone.
I lost my mother 9 days ago to breast cancer. The cancer spread from her breasts, to her brain, and finally to her spine. She was 63 years old, far too young. I’m 25 and am finding it difficult to function. She meant the world to me, we had only just begun the friendship phase of an adult mother-daughter relationship. I used to call her everyday (because I’m a worrier), and I continue to call just to hear her voice-mail message. I kept the clothes that she had that still smell like her, and I see things that only she and I would find funny. I wonder how I’m going to deal without the single most important person in my life-the life she so graciously gave me. As I write this I know she would want me to live, truly live. She had a 3 year battle so we knew this was how it was going to end, I’m truly grateful that I had the chance to say good-bye and care for her in her final week.
my grand-mother (my mothers mother) died on the 3rd of January this year of being sick for months and while i was still trying to deal with that loss with my mother and sisters,my mother 12 days later died on the (15th of January 2014) of too much stress and high blood pressure and we buried her last Saturday on the 25th of January 2014. i don’t even know how to express how i feel. i feel empty,sad,hurt and lonely e.t.c i have lost the two most important woman/role-models/pillars of strength in my life. my mother and my granny where the most important people in my life, my mother was my best friend,my every thing. the hardest part i have to be strong for my two little sister while I my self still struggling with this losses.
i just got married in December and started at a new job at the beginning of the month, this year for me was suppose to be a happy year.newly wed and all that stuff but my life right now is just filled with sadness,guilt and loneliness friends and husband have been very supportive but they don’t know how i feel 🙁
I know how you feel. I went through multiple losses 20 yrs ago (at 15 yrs old) all within a 3 month period, and now lost my mother in Dec 2013 and will soon lose my gramps who I love like a father. There will be no one that important to me left. I give myself time to grieve each day by myself, once a week I go on a drive with a coworker who misses her mom also and we share stories – well I mostly cry. I see a social worker and have asked for anxiety meds temp. to help me along. This is the hardest so far …mom. I’m here for you if you ever want to talk about things. Congrats on your marriage – I’m sure all your family angels would be so proud!!! …our snowman in our front now will always be “grandma” with her scarfs and hats. It was so hard at first – but my 4 yr old told me everyone needs a mommy, so she build me one. So smart!
Just found this and am reading this a few years later. My family just found out that my mothers cancer has come back and this time they will not be able to fix it, because it has spread so fast. To her lungs, and neck. The doctors told her she has about 3 years left since they can not get rid of it. Words can’t even describe how I felt the day she told us. My heart hurts even thinking about it. I am 19 years old, and my younger sisters are 16, 13 and 11. My heart hurts even more thinking about them too! We have always all been close and I’m glad that we all have each other. We just found out a couple months ago, and sometimes I can’t sleep at night because I can’t stop thinking about what it’s going to be like. Just recently I was thinking about how every happy moment in my life and my sisters, years to come will also share a sense of sadness. The worst is knowing that she won’t be there for my wedding or the birth of my children.
I know these next few years are going to fly by. So I’m trying to prepare myself. I know that I will be looking back at this page for guidance, probably a lot. I will also share it with my sisters.
Im thinking of askinf her to write me a book about helpful advice I will need when I get married and for when I have a family. Since I always turn to her for everything.
I love my mom so much and I am scared of the pain I will feel once she is gone. Since I already feel a lot.
This page has helped!!
What a blessing you all are! You validate this most painful experience. I believe this is the most challenging time of my life, and Ive had a few. I am 54, a nurse, an only child with an only child of my own. My Mom just died Jan 30th 2014, 6 weeks ago. The day before her 84th birthday. When i was 39 my husband died of lung cancer, our daughter was 3yrs old and I had to be ok for her. It was painful and life just hung around me like a bulky uncomfortable coat that didn’t fit anymore. But, life went on, I fell in love again and remarried. Sometimes I still cry over my first husband. Over what he has missed with our daughter. Next, my Dad died… Again it was painful, we had a great relationship, but I found peace much more easily, although I will always miss him. I miscarried the next year and will probably always grieve that child. But it was more like the death of a dream. My Mom told me a couple months before her death that it hurt to loose her mom and dad, but that the death of her husband was the worst. She told me taking time to read about death and dying and grief, taking time for herself to grieve helped, but I know she still cried over Dad. Then she told me to be sure, when she died, to take time for myself. It was like we both knew these last few months that she was leaving. She did an amazing thing this last year, she made a bunch of tapes about her life, sometimes a little confused, but its her voice. Being able to hear her voice is such a comfort. Mom chose hospice 6 days before she died. My husband, 19 year old daughter, a hospice volunteer, and I were with her When she died. The last couple days before her death I had this nauseated ache in the pit of my stomach. I went back and forth between peace and acceptance. Fear and longing for more time. Mom was there for every major and minor event of my life. She was there when my husband died, I was there for her when Dad died. I knew I wanted to be there for her. It helped to accept that we each have our own life journey. I knew she had her own journey and didn’t know if she would want me there when she transitioned to her Spiritual Home. I worked hard to find the place in my heart to let go of her. She had tried to prepare me for this, but it was so hard to tell her it was “ok” for her to go to Heaven. My daughter and I half laid on either side of her bed that last half hour. We read a few old hymns, quoted her favorite scriptures, told her we loved her and would miss her, then we prayed and I told her we were lifting her up to Heaven and to just follow the pull of heaven on her heart strings, It was then she took her last breath. I am thankful she allowed me to be there, all of us together, very much like when my Dad died. But, this is so different, the ache in my heart, the physical pain of separation. That sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. You can never prepare for this loss. All you can do is treasure each moment, live, love, laugh and look up at the stars. The only way to understand the pain, the empty lost, all alone in the world, feeling is if your going through the dying process with your own mother. These feeling are there in spite of a loving husband and daughter and friends or a demanding career. One of my friends, a social worker, said, “Well she had a good death”. Another co worker, a nurse, said, “Well things will get better for you now that she is gone”. Meant as word of encouragement I am sure, but not helpful. They just don’t get it. Just as with life we each have our own journey of grief. Anticipatory grief is just as real as the post death grief. But, It hasn’t made this easier. I listen to Moms tapes, (what a treasure), I sleep with the her soft blanket, (one I had given her and which covered her as she died), I look at her photos, drive past her assisted living. I catch myself thinking, “I will stop by and see mom on my way home from work”, or “I need to call and see how mom’s day went”, but she is not there. I know that the pain, anger, and sometimes acceptance come in waves. As a nurse I have an understanding of death, dying, and grief, but from my experience you never “get over” those who you have loved who are gone from this world. I just try to carry on, cry when I need to, laugh when I can, and live the best I can to honor them. We do loose a big part of ourselves with the death of a loved one. I believe that part of us is safe with those who have gone on. Like we have swapped parts of our hearts. So a part of our loved ones live on with us. My thoughts and prayers go out to all of you. I am grateful for a place to share with people who understand. Hugs, comfort, and blessings.
It’s been 3 years since my mother died.
I’m an only child, father died when I
was 3. I find no comfort & just want to
die. My life & her life were entwined.
I cry everyday, nothing changes my
deepest grief. My life is over without
her. My husband & I took care of her
Til the end. He doesn’t know how to
deal with me, nor do I.
Very inspiring. I’m 29 years old, I have never left my moms side.. I lived with her my whole life with my kids. My mom passed away 8 months ago and I still haven’t allowed myself to grieve because I have 2 little ones that depend on me. I feel that once I grieve and go to that dark place, I won’t be able to pull myself out. I feel like my world ended. Theres nothing to look forward to but watch my kids grow. I feel incomplete. I feel alone. I don’t know how to grieve. I don’t wanna be a burden to my husband. I feel so empty. I wish I had just one more day with her just to hear her stories of her soap operas. I put it on the back burner and I’m about to explode! Cherish your moms and every minute with them even if they annoy you, because once they’re gone, you’d wish you had her annoying you.. God Bless!
Grieving is needed. Find some time for yourself to grieve. Be it with a friend who has lost her mother, or just time in the shower, or drive to quiet place. Give yourself the time and set this free. Take care of yourself first, before anyone. Be honest with your husband. I went back to work before my mom was barried, so did my brother. Now, it’s over 2 months later and I told my husband I need time to myself, time to grieve. He’s been the best! It’s hard to open up and show feelings, but we need to express this in a positive way with support around us. If not we will be full of depression and anger. I’m an email away. I talk to my 4 yr old about grandma. I tell her that I miss her. It’s all part of life, my mother taught me about llife and death at a young age and I taught my daughter about the circle of life with a dead worm in our driveway when she was very young. My mother was a hospice nurse and critical care nurse – she knew how important it was to accept death and teach about it…but all the preperation and all the good byes, and conversations at the end – it’s still so hard. HUGS!
I was born to a mother who was sick her whole life and died when I was 35, she 56, her mother was 54, due to a crash. Every day with them was a blessing. I used old family wedding pictures of our parents and grandparents on our wedding cake. I set up a time capsule for my daughter’s first birthday, so she and others could with my daughter well when she is an adult, and hopefully add some words of wisdom they were not able to share with her while they were with us. I miss her every day, especially in the happy and proud moments of my life were I just want to reach out and call her on the phone. I actually asked my 4 yr old daughter, who I should share these moments with since tots are so straight forward…she told me my step-mom and dad….she’s right…but that is going to be a new relationship to build…a really hard step for me. All my grandma’s have passed as well as my mother. These relationships were all truely special to me. I do have my mom’s dad – which I have a great relationship with, but his age is really showing these days – I will call him and share with him until I no longer can. Bless you all I hope we are all able build new relationships with the love we had for our mothers, to place that trust in someone else close to us. It’s been 2+ months…I’m trying!
I lost my mother when I was 6 years old. I remember being in my Kindergarten class and having my father pick me and my siblings up early in the day. He took us home, there were 5 of us. He sat us all down in the dining room, and he began to pace the floor for what felt like HOURS…I was 6, I’m not 27–and the truth is, the pain is worse now than it was then. I guess in my own little childish way, my grieving process was limited…I became a mute from the age of 6 to about 12-13. I mumbled not a single word for all of those years. I don’t have many memories of my mom…but I miss her to the point of physical pain. There are times I just curl up in the fetal position and rock myself into a fantasy…dreaming of her and I sipping tea and talking. It hurts like hell- more and more the older I get. You’d think that the pain decreases with time…but it hasn’t. Sometimes I feel silly and embarrassed…she didn’t die yesterday, and sometimes it feels like just yesterday. I feel guilty at times for not having so many memories of her…like she wasn’t important. I feel scared…for my future and the idea of having my own children and possibly having them bury me…I’d hate for anyone to grow up the way I did…longing and desiring something in your heart that your mind knows you can never have. It affects me in relationships…not just with guys, but relationships in general…I hate to trust or love people completely because there’s no telling when they’ll leave me… I appreciate all of the posts I have read on this site…I stumbled across it out of pure desperation and relief for the agony I was experiencing today. Every death since the passing of my mother, has brought me right back to the passing of my mother. I have hope that things will get better…I just they will before I’m 100.
I can relate, Kimberly! I am too, 27, was 9 when mom passed and did not grieve effectively with littlw emotional support and no counseling. I was numb. And now feel the pain so raw and real, just like it was yesterday. The loss of my mom is one of those days in life that I can recal in great detail. Im sorry for your loss! It is truly a life altering, ahaking experience that is very unique when experienced as a child. I dont think it is one many can understand unless they have lived it. I have aiblings who were ypunger than me at the time of her death and have mental issues now thay are directly relayed to the eaely loss of our mom and her absence and my dads difficult way of coping and shut down demeanor. As children we dis not talk about her, as he remarried shortly after, and we were practically forced to address our step mom as “mother “. It was difficult, to say the least. I worry very much about them and their emotional health now, they are distant as well. I am now a mpther of too, and I agree, I Fear my children could lose me too soon. Its a scary thought, because I know the after math. It takes alot of strength from within to move forward each day and see the beautiful things in life and think of my mother and how she thought of us just before she passed. I wanted to reply to your post simply because, yoir feelings thay you reveales in your post so resemble my fears as well, but I found some spet of comfort in knowing that it is not unusual to think about it and still feel the pain deapite the many uears thay have passed.
Irina Kostenko-Arciga
I wish to share about my Mother! She was my rock, my inspiration, my best friend, my sister, and my teacher all because she was overjoyed to be! We nourished a bond that could not be broken. She was classy, professional, and stylish; a young 61 possessing great beauty both inward and outward. She loved to help others and gave unconditionally. She loved the law and worked as Legal Secretary and later Office Manager for over 40 years. A dedicated worker! She devoted her life to God, her family and career. I was her pride and joy but to me she was so much more. She passed away a year ago, January 13th, unexpectedly in her sleep. My father discovered her the next morning and called me to deliver the news. As you all may relate, it was the WORST day of any daughter’s life. The news was incomprehensible. There were multiple thoughts racing through my mind during that time, “I am an only child, 30 years old, in my second year of marriage with no children.” “She was supposed to grow old; I was going to take care of her.” “She was supposed to meet her grandchildren, they would call her GiGi.” She was supposed to give me motherly advice on how to care for them.” “We were supposed to get the chance to celebrate the rest of her milestone birthdays, 65th, 70th, 75th etc.” We had many more holidays to celebrate.” “There were just so many more memories we were supposed to create.”
I cherish the ones we did create dearly, God allowed me to capture so many moments of her on video during her last year on earth. I last saw her alive the day after Christmas 2012. She waved goodbye and I snapped a photo as her hand motioned in the air. I remember as my parents drove off I begin to cry like a baby. I told my husband I wasn’t ready for them to leave and the visit seemed all too short. I now know why it was such a HARD goodbye; it was my LAST goodbye to my dear Mother. RIP Mommy. I miss you and I love you. Until we meet again….
(Lisa – Thanks for creating this site and allowing us to share stories about our AWESOME mothers. My prayers are with you all doing this difficult time. God Bless.)
I can’t sleep because my mom is in palliative care. She is very quickly declining and I know the moment I get that call or see her take her last breath is coming. I’m 29 yrs old and right now I feel so sad that she is suffering. I don’t want her to be in pain. I feel I would be able to deal with her death but knowing how much discomfort she’s in breaks my heart. It helps to read your comments, I’m just so very distraught right now. I’m heartbroken she won’t be there for my big events or see me in a wedding dress and I feel I will never get over this.
I lost my mother 10 days ago. She had health problems but she was doing very well. I got a call that she had fallen. Later we realized it was a heart attack. She died instantly, but the doctors were finally able to start her heart again an hour later. It was a nightmare of hope and despair for the next five days until the brain scan came back and told us what we suspected, that she was already gone. She died and we planned a funeral which I and my sisters sang at. I think I am still in shock. I have felt very numb as I have gone back to work and tried to get on with my life. But the world is grey. My mother was my best friend. I called her every day and and spent every single Sunday with her. She was my hero, I always wanted to be like her. Today I can’t stop crying. I am finally realizing that I will never see her again in this life. She will never encourage me, or listen to me cry, or discuss a nature show with me. I wish I had died with her. I am single and feel so, so alone. I feel like a little girl lost in the woods. I just keep looking for my mommy. I am lost, and scared, and broken. I feel like the world will never have color again.
These are such comforting words to read. I lost my mum 1st February 2014 she was 65
and married to my dad for 45 years mother to four children and grandmother of nine. She died of lymphoma and the end happened all to quickly. My brothers and sister and i are feeling her loss greatly. Everyone tells me at least she is at peace but it doesn’t make me feel any better. My 3 children get me through the day and make me keep going through the hard days. Everything around me reminds me of my mum, she was our family rock, she was our best friend
I found this page because I am trying to prepare myself (not sure that it’s possible) for the death of my mother. She was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer right before this past Thanksgiving and after 3 rounds of palliative chemo (which was never going to cure her, only an attempt to extend her life) and a stay at the hospital, we have decided as a family for her to discontinue her chemo treatment.
She will be put on hospice soon, which will help my father and I (I’m an only child) deal with her care. I am 30 years old, and I cannot imagine a life without my mother. But reading this post and all the comments underneath it have given me hope that it is possible to survive such a loss, even one as hard as this.
I just found this site, and finding it helpful. My mom recently passed away, and of all days, on my birthday. It was the worst day of my life. She was a wonderful woman, and I miss her terribly. I cry everyday, and am trying to tell myself that for now on, my birthday will be a celebration of her life. Others don’t know what to say, and I don’t know what to think. I as well don’t know how to get over this…Looking for others to relate to.
My mother died when I was 23 years old . She died of a heart attack at 43 years old. I am 28 years old now and can deeply relate to this article. I have made life choices I feel I would not have made had she been here and have missed her in the happy moments as well as the sad. This article has given me hope that I am not alone in these moments of sorrow and that they are ‘normal’. I wish she was here to bring advice and comfort that I need in the years of upcoming marriage and children. To show my appreciation for her and to have a friendship with her as an adult. I must believe she still looks out for me even when she is not physically here. I thank you for this article as it has helped put my mind and heart at ease and given me hope to live a happy memorable future.
Hi Lisa,
I buried my mother 3 moths ago. She was and is still my world. I’m in my 40’s and was unable to give her grandchildren. So I suppose we were even closer as we had the freedom to always be available for each other. She was my best friend with only 20 years between us. I cried reading your words and my life at present seems so empty without her. She was too young and it was an unexpected illness that took her from me within weeks. You are so right even though we mourn what we had and lost in our mothers, its grieving the future relationship that pains the most. No female in my immediate circle of friends has a close bond with their mothers,which in itself is a lonely feeling for how can the possibly understand?? Yet trolling the web this morning I am comforted to learn I am not alone. Yes remembering our mothers in any capacity that feels right is so wonderful especially on such beautiful memorable days as weddings. Our lives have changed forever. Our relationship with our mother’s will live on, just in very personal and special way. When Rita pointed out the ‘future relationship’ I could relate. And some how knew I was going to be ok. How lucky are we, to have been our ‘Mother’s Gardens’.
thank you Lisa and Rita
Hi Guys, What can I say? I feel your loss…. I lost my Mum on 09/12/1013 and had to say goodbye to her on the 19/12/2013.. Please, can someone help me as I feel such a hard person….. I still feel nothing. My Mum was my best friend x
I lost my mom when I was 15 right before going to a new school and starting 10th grade. The first two years of dealing with my moms death were horrible for me. It’s a wonder I even graduated on time.
Even though I no longer cry everyday, my mom is always on my mind. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about her. I am 23 now and I still don’t think I’ve grieved all the way. I hate family events because they make me miss my mom. I cried at my prom. I’ll probably cry in the bathroom at my brother’s wedding.
When my mother was sick and dying in the hospital, I didn’t visit her in the hospital. At that time I didn’t want to see her in that condition. But she kept asking to see me but I wouldn’t go. Now that she’s dead I hate myself for not seeing her, I can never forgive myself. I wish someone had forced me to go in there and see my mom.
I also feel sad and angry that any future kids I won’t meet their wonderful grandmother. I’ll never have my mom at my wedding or seeing me through my first pregnancy and giving birth.
I have and older sister and brother that I love very much, but I am deathly afraid of losing them. I hope thoses days are very far into the future and that they grow to be very old.
My condolences to anyone grieving the death of a loved one. May you have better luck than I have with the mourning process.
Lilly M.—-For me, it has NOTHING to do with luck; there is no such thing. My own personal experiences with grieving over THOSE WE LOVE & CHERISH (ther has been several for me–my own personal FAMILY mostly), is turning to the LORD JESUS. Period.
People whose loved ones pass on & they do NOT have the LORD–I do NOT know HOW they could possibly get through it with a sound mind.
So, having said this–seek out a church, synagogue. TURN to GOD ALMIGHTY.
The relationship I had with my mother was quite intense, troubled, loving, difficult and everything to me. I have Asperger’s and she was a borderline personality who believed to her dying day that the only way to *make* children and pets behave was to beat them, so my upbringing was rough, to say the least. However, I know she loved me with everything she was capable of. While her words were frequently anything but supporting, her actions were mostly loving and caring in my adulthood. Yes, mixed messages were the norm. I had sole 24/7 care of her from 6/12 to her death 10/13 due to Dementia. I had her on a regimen of supplements that was actually making her get noticeably better….until she insisted on a knee replacement I had no power to stop and the doctors DQ’d EVERYTHING…meds and supplements…cold turkey…and she plunged into psychosis. In that state, she dug at her leg and gave herself a staph infection that took her life. The thing about her burgeoning recovery was that not only was she getting better, but she was nicer….a LOT nicer….nicer to me than she’s ever been. I got a tiny taste of having the mom I always wanted from the mother I had and it was yanked away almost over night. Now I am alone in my home with all her things around me and the pain is overwhelming and awful and frequently takes my breath away to the point I’m gasping for air.
Added to this pain is the fact I am now alone…the last survivor of the family I grew up in. My father died in March 2003, my brother died 10/1/12 and mama died 10/9/13. I was still in deep grief for my brother when my mama died, but I had to just bury it in order to be able to care for her. So the grief for my father is starting all over again, the grief for my brother is now pouring out and the grief for my mother is just mountainous. It all just rushes over me in tsunami level waves.
I am the trustee of her trust, much to the dismay of my brother’s three kids, who inherit his half of the estate. They are so dismayed that they sued to have me removed as trustee 6 weeks after her death….on 11/27/13, alleging that I’m stealing trust assets and not doing my job because they didn’t have their money yet. They actually confronted me the day we buried her and told me they wanted to *sit me down* and tell me what they learned from their attorney about the estate, ask me what happens next and then tell me what I needed to do. When I suggested they let me catch my breath and deal with the loss of my mother, I was told they lost their dad when he was only 56 and my mother was 81, so pretty much I should just get over it and that shouldn’t be too tough because of her age. And of course, that their loss was so much greater than mine. When my brother died, I was pretty much told the same thing….their loss was much greater than mine because he was *just* my brother whereas their family had lost husband and father. In addition to the loss of my core family, I’ve lost my sis-in-law whom I discovered is behind the lawsuit and my two nieces and nephew….I’ve lost them to betrayal and the realization that that bond was not broken, it was never there in the first place. What is especially painful is being accused of stealing when I was planning on sharing money that was left only to me.
Being an Aspie, I have no friends where I live….the few I had all left this area after Katrina. I’m now on disability so I have no job where I could make more. I’ve never really been good at making friends in the first place, although I do have a few who live far away. A lot of people think Aspies don’t feel emotion strongly but that is far from the truth, we do feel….we just don’t exhibit it the same way….we tend to have meltdowns where Neuro-Typicals (NTs) do not. Because of having undiagnosed Asperger’s until the past year (I’m 60), my life has been very difficult and I’m viewed by my entire family as the family loser, the family embarrassment, the one talked about in whispers until I enter the room. Granted, the early years of adulthood were a disaster, but I’ve been pretty functional (not emotionally but otherwise every other way) for decades, but in my family, you’re never any better than your worst moment, nobody helps anybody because everyone is supposed to do everything on their own (stand on their own two feet) and if something bad happens to you, it’s your own fault (my totally destroyed home in Katrina, for example). Suffice it to say I have no support system. I do have two daughters who do love me, but they live 8 hours away and are busy with husbands, kids and jobs, so I try very hard to make our few phone conversations pleasant and not burden them with my grief.
I’d like to go to counseling but I’m afraid my brother’s kids will use that against me in the lawsuit they filed. I’d like to get the bulk of my mother’s things out of my house but I can’t because the estate is on hold due to the lawsuit. I’d like to go see my kids and just get out of here for a while, but I can’t drive the car my mama left me because they named it in the lawsuit and it’s the only one I have. I’m pretty much just stuck in this one small spot with little room to turn in, at least for now. My experience is when people ask how I’m doing, what they want to hear is Oh, I’m OK. Anything other than that and they get uncomfortable and start changing the subject, leaving me to wonder why they even asked at all and reinforcing the belief that no one really wants to hear about your pain and grief, so keep it to yourself. Those are just acquaintances, so maybe that’s why….they were just being polite and I didn’t respond appropriately….taking things too literally, as usual.
The bottom line is I think about my mother constantly, along with my brother and father. It’s a non-stop flood of a wide range of emotions that I have no outlet for other than the wracking sobs that overtake me on a daily basis. As difficult as my relationship was with my mother, it had its good times and I loved her with all my heart and still do. My relationship with my brother was solid and I miss him terribly, he was younger than me and we were supposed to share care of Mama when he moved here (which never happened because he died while preparing for the move) and then share our golden years. He was my hero. My father was my original hero, he was really something special. EVERYBODY liked him….I don’t remember anyone EVER having a problem with him, other than my mother, but that was just because she was who she was, not because of him. He was just plain awesome. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever get over the grief of losing my family and other times, I’m pretty sure I won’t. I just hope the intensity and frequency will subside enough for me to climb out of the depression and start living again.
I really didn’t mean to write a book here, especially such a depressing one. I’m not even sure why I did, but it has been somewhat cathartic. I’m grateful for the chance to release some of what I’ve been carrying in an anonymous manner….it’s the first time I’ve been able to do that without the subject being changed….
Dear Pamela, Please do not pay attention to negative words! ANY of them! Get yourself a GOOD attorney–I know, few & far between. TURN to the Lord Jesus! You can talk to HIM anytime, day or night. About EVERYTHING! Find a sound church and stick with it. SO sorry for each of your losses…problems. ONE DAY AT A TIME!
In the LOVE of CHRIST JESUS, prayers, hugs…
What do people suggest a man give to a woman who lost there Mother 3 years ago. The date of there mothers passing is coming up any suggestions she grieves every year and I was just thinking of something I could give or do for her.
Thanks
I lost both of my parents 10 months apart. My stepdad in July of 2012 and my mom in May 2013. My mom and I were super close. She was only 67 when she died. They both died of cancer. I have always had anxiety and depression issues. Of course they skyrocketed after that. My mom was the only person to make me feel better when I was going through it. Yesterday was my mom’s birthday and Friday is my stepdad’s. I felt alright yesterday for the most part but today I feel so bad. Is this normal?
I lost my mother August 19, 2013 almost 7 months ago. I am a 36 year old mother of a 15 yr old son in which she helped me raise. I go through my times of loneliness because she was all I had. She was a single parent also. I miss her encouragement, smile, and especially her laughter. I have my moments of guilt as far as saying things I should have said to her while she was still here to hear them…like I love her and I appreciate her and everything she sacrificed in her life to make sure I didn’t go without. We had our disagreements but what child doesn’t disagree with their parent from time to time. She suffered from RA, connective tissue disease, Scleroderma and she was in pain all the time and I watched a strong willed woman deteriorate right in front of me. I was hard for me. I can never forget the morning she told us to call 911 and the took her to the emergency room we followed the ambulance went to park the car and as soon as we walked into the room she looked at me and said ” I’m going to die” those are the words that forever ring in my head. I broke down and so did my son. So the nurse to us that she was going to change her into her gown and we can come back into the room but when the nurse closed the door my mom had took her last breath. It hurts because I wasn’t there with her and I didn’t get a chance to tell her I LOVE HER. But God does all things well. She is resting in His arms and she is FREE from pain.
Mark: In regards to “what” you can give, do for “a woman who lost her Mother 3 years ago”–suggest doing things to Honor the memories (her fav restaurant or meal/dessert)
flowers to her burial site, play music to remember her by. ANY of these things should help. However, along with doing “traditional” things to Honor her: make some NEW TRADITIONS with the woman who lost her. (Sorta’ like the old saying, “make new friends but keep the old; one is silver & the other gold”! By the “Traditions”, you’re saying to keep her dear to heart; with the New, it will eventually take on the happier parts of life.
Not sure if I am speaking clearly what I mean, but, I hope so. Give your Lady reassurance that it’s alright to miss her Mom! And to REMEMBER her as well! Do not think her Mom would want her to…grieve terribly.
Take care. God bless you for wanting to help your Lady with the upcoming “time” of passing.
Shay, My Mother passed August 20, 2013. It SERIOUSLY hurts for sure. I love & miss her SO much. She lived with me (I’m a widow for years now; my Son is grown & married with his own Son–they live in another state) so it’s not like it was taking anything away from my Family for her to come live with me. I would not have had it any other way! . She was in and out of hosp. and physical rehab units; but was here with me most of the time. I am very THANKFUL TO GOD for that. We were able to bless each other better, got closer in our relationship…cooked together, she always insisted upon helping me do some cleaning too! Yes, that was my MOM! Made an exercise routine together (for HER needs, which just happened to help me as well).
Very sorry that your Mother’s passing was as it was. It’s very hard, to say the least.
My Mom had chosen hospice at one point…NOT my wishes. A Family Friend was able to get us hospice help in the home 24/7, which was a blessing. However, I (being a nurse for 40 years–retired couple years ago) did NOT like the doctor’s orders for Mom’s medications: they were “’round the clock”. So, she got to where she was drowsy, slightly confused at times. She only lived 5 days after starting hospice in-home. That last morning, she never woke up. Truly, broke my heart.
Do NOT hang on to those feelings of guilt! Your Mom KNEW of your love for her (and her Grandson’s love as well). Take ALL the wonderful memories and cherish them in your hearts! Don’t loose them. Recall the “traditions” you Three had together: maintain some, and make some new traditions as well. Honor her memory, in part, by being good to each other and yourselves. And others when you can.
I always struggle with “Why, God, why?” (have lost my Husband, a newborn Daughter, my youngest Son, 3 Nephews, my Dad). Thus, I do argue with HIM sometimes. STILL.
But HE does know best…and has EVERYTHING under HIS CONTROL…HIS PERFECT PLAN…
Mom is at REST now. She was always worried about me (type 1 diabetes for 50 years now). I’m THANKFUL she has NO WORRIES ANYMORE. She’s been REUNITED with MANY LOVED ONES IN HEAVEN–AND HER OWN MOM AND DAD! THAT can make one’s heart smile, and be glad.
Take care, Shay & Son! God bless you both–as you seek to be a blessing to HIM and others.
Thanks for sharing this beautiful article and I think I spent already an hour reading everything including the comments.
I lost my mother when I was 2 and my father when I was 8 years of age. What hurts me the most when I was growing up was to see a complete and a happy family. I am jealous of how fortunate those kids were. I miss them and I keep on praying for their souls too.
I’m 28 now. I’ve been through a lot but all experiences I had molded me to a better individual and with different perspective in life.
Your post inspired me to make a write up as well. I hope you don’t mind if I share it here too.
http://www.carloisles.com/blog/the-feeling-when-you-lose-your-mother/
CARLO: Thank you for sharing with us. So VERY SORRY that your Mama had to leave when you were merely 2…and your Papa, when you were 8…
Life is NOT EASY. We must TRUST THE LORD GOD, & take it ALL One day at a time…
Whatever memories you do have–CHERISH them forever.
HOPE that the tape will show up again!
Take care Man, and God bless you & your siblings.
Hi Faye,
Thank you for taking time to reply on my comment and especially reading the post I made for my mother.
It’s nice to read the stories of others too but the best about this is that you put time and energy responding to each comment we put here. Your presence is very much appreciated.
once again, thank you! 🙂
since you are one of the person who inspired me to write my story, I included a link to this page on my website. Here it is http://www.carloisles.com/blog/2-year-old-boy-remembers-mother-after-her-death/
thanks for being nice and able to relate to everybody. keep it up.
Thank you for having this article, it’s so awesome.
I’m 20 years old and I lost my mother five months ago to a massive brain aneurysm. She was only 44. She was on life support for 4 days after that. My dad had to make the hardest decision of his life on the fourth day, but the doctors couldn’t do anything for her anymore. I miss her so much everyday. It’s only gotten a little bit better but not much. My mother was like my best friend. We were so close. I told her everything, we spent a lot of time together. My mom always said, we had a relationship that most moms wished they had with their daughters. I see her in everything. Like when I go to work, riding in the car a Kenny Chensey song will always come on, she use to love him. Even at the house, I can feel her. Loosing her was the worst thing that’s ever happened to me. She was a shining light in mine and my dad’s life. We are so lost sometimes. This has caused us to want to move, so we are moving back to our hometown in Arkansas, where my mother is also buried. We want to be closer to her and the rest of our family. We have made so many memories, I think about them all the time. The one question, that always stumps me though, is why ? Why my mom? Our lives were going great and we all were heading in wonderful directions in life. Then that one night, I received a phone call from my father, that my mother was very sick, that she had fainted at Taco Bell. I will never forget that haunting moment. It haunts me every day. I always say to myself though, I will see you again mom, someday. It makes me feel better, but not all the way. There always be the part of me that doesn’t feel better. Because when my mom passed, she took a piece of me with her.
“Because when my mom passed, she took a piece of me with her”. That is ABSOLUTELY how I feel and my mom passed in the Spring of 2008. Time helps but anyone you have ever loved so much, there are still moments when you miss them so much and cry a little bit. But then I think, I am so very lucky to have had a mother whom I loved with all my heart and who made me so happy and whom I made so happy. I got on this site because I was feeling sad that she never got to see her grandchild and was somehow sad. I see my husband’s mom playing with her and for my daughter, she is her Grandmother, but my mom would have been such a wonderful grandmother, too, and I wish that could have been. Best wishes to you.
I’m so sorry that happened to you. And at so young too. I’m 19 and just lost my mom a week ago to acute respiratory distress syndrome following massive intestinal surgery. It is so hard I really don’t know how to not have a mom at this point at life. If you keep asking why though I don’t think there’s an answer that’s ever satisfying. The only explanation in my situation that’s helped is maybe my mom would have suffered more in life had she not died. But that is also hard to understand too. I still feel like I could pick up the phone and call her. If moving closer to her and family would help you then do it. Without our mothers we really need to take care of ourselves. They might be gone but they still want to see us happy. Again I’m really sorry you lost your mom.
Carlo: Any good that may have come from my words, is appreciated. You are most welcome, for my response to your dear post.
Hope things have gotten better for you…& for ALL here.
GOD’s blessings to you!
i just wanted to say that all of your stories are very touching and i am sorry for everyones loss as well. my mother died 11 years ago today, and i was 10 years old my brother turned 12 two weeks before. even though it has been over a decade i still cry so bad that it hurts, i dont know what to do its on march 28th (today) and her birthday is hard to becasue it is 12/24 (christmas eve) and ever other day i think about her i just smile and know that she is happy and always with me, but this day is so hard! my husband said that i am depressing and that he dosnt understand becasue he hasnt lost a parent and cant tell me how to feel but is somewhat concerend becasue our daugther is 3 and he dosnt want her to be sad like that to or feel a certain type of way. i just dont know how else to handle it, i dont want to make anyone feel akward or wired but that is how i feel, like there will always be a hole in my heart that will never be filled. i am very greatful for my husband and daugther they are the best thing in my life and honest believe god sent them to resuce me from the dark path i was headed down. i just need some other way to handle this i dont want it to affect my daugther, she knows who grandma debbie is, and i dont want her to have anxitey about death like me either. any advice is helpful. thank you all for listening and sharing your stories.
p.s. my brother is a heroin addict so we dont talk and my dad dosent talk to me becasue my husband is aferican american. so i really have none to talk to that shares my loss.
As of yesterday, it has been exactly 3 months since I lost my mother. I am married but my husband and I are currently living at my parents house. My mother battled breast cancer for 11 years. After I got married 3 years ago, we had agreed to live with my mom because of her health situation. She started off with having 2nd stage breast cancer 11 years ago. After Chemo and radiation she was on remission until 2010 when she was told it had come back. I remember the day her doctor said it was 4th stage but it wasn’t terminal. Yet, my mom broke into tears. I, on the other hand, upon hearing that it wasn’t terminal kept smiling at home and comforting her. I kept on telling her that she will live for many years. Even though she was at 4th stage she did not appear so at all. No believed that she was even sick. She was still active, up and about with her daily routine until August 2013 when she suddenly started throwing up. After that she was not the same again. She had to be hospitalized for 3 weeks in which she lost 40 pounds. Seeing our mother go through this was unbearable and I mean just unbearable to see my strong mother suddenly so weak and going through so much pain. Yet despite seeing all this I never believed that she would pass away. My mother was always a fighter and I was sure she would recover soon. However, for the next four months, (after spending 3 weeks in the hospital) she was constantly going back and fourth to the ER almost every other weekend, then it became every weekend until suddenly it stopped. She was getting better and better but her doctor said otherwise. Her cancer rate was growing inside
My brother finally took my mother to Germany after we saw that she got her strength back. However, it was too late. Doctors in Germany said that she should have come sooner. It was difficult to bring her sooner because we were waiting for her to get her strength back. On December 28th, I got devastated call from my brother saying that we should take the next flight. Our mother got an infection and things have gotten very serious. He told me that we have about 24 hours. My father, my baby brother, and I reached there in 12 hours but she was gone by then. My heart broke that I wasn’t with her at the last moment but, when I saw her after she passed I was crying and screaming like anything. I fell to the floor and father helped me up. My family realized that it was for the best that I was not with her during her last moment. She and I were so close that if the doctor were to tell me that she had a couple of hours left, i would have screamed then. I lost my true best friend, the woman who’s love can’t compare to no one.
I am grateful that my older brother with her during her last moments. He was calmed and never told my mom that she was going according to what the doctors said. The German doctors would take my brother outside the ICU and tell him how much time she has left. Yet, my my brother said that he still had hope and he told me that my mom was not in pain and left in peace.
I still cannot accept that she is gone. Everything around my house reminds me of her. Everything was hers. My father left it to me decide on how to run things in the house now. It saddens me because before he would leave it all to my mother. My mother gave me so many wedding gifts that I had been able to use or open yet. She had gotten them for me to use when I get my own place. Seeing my baby brother in pain, although he is in his twenties, yet he is the baby of our family. Me and my brothers were extremely close to my mom. My mother was very overprotective of us. I miss that terribly. I so wish she was here to call me 10 times to see where I am and whether I have left from work or not. Despite knowing my mom’s health situation, I still did not expect that she would pass away so quickly. I am struggling to cope and accept that she is gone. I still lose sleep at night whenever I think of her.
When my dear friend lost her beloved Mom years ago I held her in my arms as she broke down in the street and cried out, “when you lose your mother you lose everything”.
At that time my sweet Mom lived, so I could only feel a deep sorrow and compassion for my friend and hold her close, kiss away her tears and whisper she is watching over you so you are not alone”.
As soon as I lost my Mother my friend’s words came flooding back into my soul and I joined the sisterhood of exactly what that extremely special Mother Daughter bond is, and the extreme grief I encountered the day it was permanently severed and lost, which also was the day when I joined that very special Mother Daughter lost souls club.
I held my mother in my arms day and night for 4 days in the hospital, while she was comatose, and whispered to her, hugged her, kissed her, read Bible passages to her, sang to her, caressed her face. held her hands, washed her, and grieved every moment of what was yet to come from within, as my beloved Mom lay dying of unexpected renal kidney failure.
I knew even in coma she would hear me as the hearing is the last to go before the heart stops beating.
Nevertheless absolutely nothing ever prepared me for the hell on earth I would feel when my mother drew her last breath and died in my arms.
How utterly grief stricken, confused, abandoned, and lost I would feel and continue to feel from that moment on.
There was nothing to prepare me for the tsunami of grief and tears which would rob my ability to breath, sleep, eat, cook, function, and rob me of my will to want to go on living without my Mother……all I wanted to do was go to God and be reunited with her again, and with my immediate family who have all left me alone on Earth. One is a very lonely number. I lost 40 pounds in one month, hardly slept because that death video kept playing on stop, so I was mostly awake and in the darkest grief stricken place I could ever find myself in.
Nothing else mattered. I just managed to call and have her body picked up and cremated and her ashes returned to me, and then I ordered an internment vase to keep them in my home. My Mom always said keep me close to you so you do not have to go to the cemetery, since it is a lonely dangerous place for a woman alone these days. She did not want a memorial service or a funeral to be buried. She wanted cremation. So I granted her exactly what she wished for.
I can say since my beloved Mom drew her last breath that sacred special mother daughter caregiver bond was permanently severed…completely broken……and lost forever for as long as I remain on this earth alone.
Mom we never had any closure and I never had the chance to tell you that your kidney failed and you was going to go to God, to be with her parents, and your son, who died at the young age of 42.
Mom I never had the chance to ask for your forgiveness, and receive yours, had we ever done anything unintentionally to hurt each other.
Mom I never had the chance to reassure you that I as the last member of my immediate family would try to be okay until God also granted me the peace the world could no longer give.
Mom I never had the chance to say Mom I love you, and hear you reply those words you always said which were “I love you more daughter”.
Mom we never had that last moment to gaze into each others eyes and see the unbelievable bond of love mirrored from each others eyes which emanated from deep within our souls.
Mom we never had the chance to say so long for now, until we meet again in God’s Heaven reunited in everlasting life.
Mom I never had the chance to tell you as I held you close to my heart, that I understood it was time for you to give yourself to God Mother, and take your last breath, and just let go.
Mom I never had the chance to whisper as I held you against my heart do not be afraid Mom, as I am still here with you and so is God……you are not alone and will never be alone, because God is also here with us and has always been with us since we began our earthly journeys.
Mom God will also remain with us as we depart his earthly realm and enter into his Heavenly journey into glorious Life Everlasting.
So go in peace sweet Mother, Go with God and join all our departed loved ones who went ahead, and when my time comes as the last survivor please be there to greet me as God also escorts me into his Heavenly Kingdom and reunites us all in Everlasting Life.
I believe the last thing I would have asked my Mother had I had the chance is to watch over me and give me strength to carry on, and come visit me in my dreams.
Now here it is almost 3 years later and I still grieve and shed a tsunami of tears for I am still a lost child all alone with no living relatives left, nor any real friends who have moved away, lost touch, or also passed on.
My neighbors keep to themselves by choice as they are immigrants and solely congregate amongst their own. Saying good morning or hello is a waste of energy as there is never a smile, nod of the head, or wave of the hand…just intentional unfriendly continued silence.
In view of this I still feel all alone and longing to join you Mom……I hope my earthly wait arrives because I never knew grief as deep as my grief of losing you Mom………and this grief will be my torment until I draw my last breath on earth, and pray to be reunited with you and all our loved ones who went ahead of me.
Hi Raven,
Oh, I understand exactly how you feel.I too lost my mom almost three years ago.She passed away of cancer.It was a few days after Mother’s Day of 2011.This year the anniversary of her death will be Mother’s Day,May 11th.I cry for my mom every single day.It has not gotten any easier over the years.In fact, I miss her more now than ever.All my relatives have also passed away.I feel very alone at times.I do have my husband and son, but it is not enough.I want and need my mom.She was everything to me.My dad died when I was very young so it was always just mom and I.We lost so many family members through the years but we still had each other.I am lost without her.Friends have all drifted away.There is no one in the world like your mom.She is the one person who will always be there for you and love you.As I am getting older and I face illnesses, I miss her not being here to take care of me.We always took care of each other.I feel guilty that I couldn’t help her get better.As you can see Raven, I feel exactly as you do.It will not matter how many years pass, I will miss my mom forever.She was and still is my mom.I will always love and miss her.I know that you feel the same way about your mom.I just wish that it didn’t hurt so much.At times, I literally feel that my heart is breaking.My mom may be the one that left, but she took a huge part of me with her.I am lost without her, so I do understand how you feel.Everyone on this site will understand how you feel , as they all share the same loss we do.Try and hang in there.Believe me , I know it’s hard.Please post again.I would really like to know how you are doing.I do care !
I just lost my mother today at the age of 80 (her, not me). I’m only 13, so I’m struggling as well. I just thought I’d add to the conversation, that I will be plagued with guilt now, because I never told her how sorry I was for how I’ve acted.
She died of Alzheimer’s, and I don’t know how I can cope with this and go back to school.
I just wanted to add to this conversation, but since it’s been going for so long, go ahead and look over this.
Hello Meagan~
I’m 54 and I lost my mom on Feb. 7th of this year (2014). For many years my mom and I did so much together, we were very close and when she started getting sick I was with her through it, I held her hand as she took her last breath. It was a quiet, calm and special moment because I had told her only three hours earlier that I will be there for her, that I will be with her when God takes her.
My mom raised eight kids (5 girls and 3 boys) all by herself and she knew what we were all about as most moms do because they’re moms. Moms love there kids from their first breath just as your mom did the day you were born Meagan. I wanted to write especially to you (not because the other letters didn’t touch my heart because they all did) because I was so touched by your letter about you losing your mom, you’re only 13 and how guilty you will now feel because of how you acted.
My dear, before your mom got real sick in losing memory, she knew you inside and out, you probably did and said things that most tweens/teens do, and whatever it is you are feeling guilty about is something that your mom wouldn’t want you to hang on to. Your mom would want you to hold onto the happier memories of you two, the better times, the laughter. You are going to grieve for sure and it takes a long time as I am finding myself.
Let me tell you about a few things I have done and maybe it will help you too. I pull out photos and put them in order in books with captions underneath telling what the photo is about, that way you are re-living that day which brings a smile and a lighter heart for the moment. I wear her little fleece jacket when I’m feeling chilly cause I feel like it’s a hug from her, I talk to her about anything and carry a photo with me to help me feel like she is there. I tell her good night before I go to bed with the hope that if I sleep, I dream of her or receive a sign, anything. Well, the anything happened for me a few weeks after mom died, none of my siblings though. I think this happens for others too and maybe someday for you Meagan-you never know.
One night when I was in my usual troubled semi-sleep, I heard my mom call out my name in a tone that was loud and clear. I popped my head up off my pillow looking around for her to see what she wanted. It was Moms tone of voice and the way she said my name that let me know she was okay now and I should sleep; that I don’t have to worry about her. I lay my head back down on my pillow and was drifting off when I felt her sit beside me and then I felt her hand on the top of my head, something she used to do when we were younger. I will never forget that, I can hear her voice in my head saying my name and feel her comforting hand on my head when I think about that special night. It was no dream. I sleep better now, most of the time.
You should also know that I have two daughters in their twenties and so I’m well aware of things girls your age go through, it can be tough but I always knew through thick and thin my girls always loved me. I tell you this to help you realize this about your mom too, she loved you Meagan and she knew you loved her.
I just wanted to let you know that whatever you did that you are feeling guilty about, try and understand that your mom knew you loved her. Your mother is well now and watching from above, try and get through one day at a time, loving her memory and yourself, making her proud of all that you can become and will become.
I know this is a lot for a 13 year old to read but I hope it helps. If you feel like it you can write back again. 🙂
Raven, I am soo sorry you’re feeling so much grief and hurt right now…I know everyone who posts here is hurting, too. I am almost 50, and my mom passed to Heaven a year ago Christmas. I still cry several times a week and miss her every single day. I sometimes mentally relive her dying process at Hospice but try desperately not to because I know she is in a wonderful place and not laying on a bed struggling for breath anymore! Are you seeing a grief counselor? Is help available through a nearby church? I really urge you to seek that out as it has helped me so much. Women’s groups at church can also be a great source of friendship! The fact that you don’t have nearby relatives does make the loss of your mom more difficult. Even though you might not feel like it, I hope you keep reaching out to make connections! Keep us posted!
Hi,
This post brought me great comfort – I don’t know anyone personally who has lost their mother recently and it’s helpful to know I’m not alone. I lost my mother September 23rd, 2011, three weeks before I was leaving for my first year of college right after high school. She had no illnesses and died suddenly from an extremely rare and rapid type of brain infection that doctors are still trying to figure out. I’m an only child with no father in the picture, and I never had much of a social life because my mother was my best friend and I took great joy in spending most of my time with her, I felt I had no need for anyone else until I lost her so suddenly, and was left by myself to figure out how to do everything an ‘adult’ is supposed to do. I feel very alone and to this day still struggle to meet people and find support. She was a wonderful woman and I hope that she’s in heaven waiting for me 🙂 Thanks for writing such an understanding piece.
Caitlyn,
I am sorry you have had such a loss. Praying you find peace and a strong support system. No one can take the place of our Moms. But I am slowly learning there are many wonderful ladies out there who would be honored to play a small role in our lives. Since no one woman can replace my mom, my strategy is to have several different ladies in my life, each who fill one aspect of who she was to me. I don’t know if it will work but it is helping me keep my sanity at the moment.
I lost my mom almost 2 months ago. She was 54, I’m 32. I am thankful for who she was and who she trained me up to be. I am blessed, she was there to kiss my owies, to go wedding dress shopping, to see my children born. She got me to the point where I can make it without her but the truth is I still need her. She was supposed to be well wrinkled and driving me crazy by telling me the same story for the fourth time. Instead she died abruptly and unexpectedly. I know she’s with Jesus and for that I am happy for her but there are moments when the loss is unbearable. I keep thinking if I just learn to accept it then it will stop hurting, it will all be as it was, but it won’t ever be the same again. In time I’m sure it will get easier, but never the same.
Hi Mindy,
I also lost my mom 2 months ago. She was 57 and I’m 30. I know exactly how you feel. I also feel blessed that she was able to be with me on my wedding day. I’m proud of the relationship that we had. I know that everybody says the same thing, but she truly was MY BEST FRIEND. Like I try to explain to other people: I didn’t only lose my mother, I lost my best friend, my confident, my everything. I know that we are never prepared for the loss of our mothers, but I feel like she left too soon. I feel that we still had so many things to do, places to go, experiences to live. It kills me that I couldn’t give her a grandkid. I lost a baby 8 months ago. I know she would have been the best grandmother. She died unexpectedly while vacationing in my home country, and I didn’t have a chance to say goodbye. I know she is in peace, with God and I know that she is watching over me and that we will be together again someday. It is just that I miss her so much that it literally hurts. I thought that things were going to get better after 2 months, but they are actually getting worse. There is not a moment of the day that I’m not thinking about her and missing her. It just hurts too much. I feel like a big part of me is missing, and I feel that I’m broken inside. I don’t know if this pain is ever going to go away.
I lost my Mumma when I was 12. I am now almost 54-two years older than she was when she passed on. You never ever get over the loss of your mother. I miss her every day, even tho I always keep a brave face–i remember my Dad saying at the funeral-no tears. I know now that it was for him-he couldn’t have stood it he loved her so. Never remarried. He died 25 years ago today. I miss him, too, like it was just yesterday. But — my faith in God and the firm belief that we will all be reunited one day gets me thru most tender days. I am not particularly religious, but the thought helps. Other days I think God ripped me off. Then I am sorry for it. I am only human
Thank you for this very moving article. I lost my mother in August 2013. I am now feeling more grief than I did in the immediate. I’m a married woman and I still have my father. However, I lack siblings and children.
My father will not talk about my mother. I feel very alone. I want people to talk about my mother and cry and laugh and feel whatever feelings I have, ensure them with someone that knew my mother, but my father cannot seem to do this. Reading the part about stopping the child’s grieving process, is exactly where I feel I am at. Even though I am in my mid-40s, I was still my mothers child.
Not being able to grieve her loss with my father, is really taking this process away from me.
I am in therapy, and I do talk about my mother in therapy, again this is more with a stranger.
I am starting to think that it may be a good idea to print a photo or two of my mother when she was healthier, and to take out some of her dollhouse furniture. I even felt like bringing some of these items to my therapist. He’s the one person that I am opening up to, but did not know my mother.
This may sound odd too many, but I do believe that we all have that need to have others know who our loved ones were.
I’m having very tumultuous times during my marriage right now, and there is no doubt that I wish my mother was present. The thought of going through so many different things without her Charlie pains me.
I do feel as if I need a grieving group, a safe place to share my feelings with others who will understand.
I’m unsure of where to find a group even like this, and may ask my therapist next.
I guess my question is for someone like myself, who has no children, no extended in-laws or relatives, what do I do? I feel very alone, and it’s a terrible feeling. Just bringing up my sadness seems to make everyone run in another direction. So my friends may not be Fairweather friends, but they are in capable of dealing with this loss themselves.
I than you for any advice you may have. And I thank you for writing this article. It was very moving and I appreciate it.
Laura,
I just lost my mom in Feb. of this year to Inflammatory Breast Cancer. She was diagnosed with it in November 2013. It had already advanced throughout her body by the time the initial diagnosis was made. She hid the signs from us for a long time because she did not want to go through the pain from treatment my dad went through in his battle with Cancer. (We lost him in 1999) The loss of my father was painful, but my mother’s loss rocked my world and still does as I go through her things, I smile laugh and cry at the memories. My step-father does not talk of my mother much, but I have learned it is because of the pain in facing his loss brings him. My mom turned 80 several weeks before she passed and I celebrate the fact she live a long and advent filled life, it does not take away the fact that I miss her , and feel lost without her. I am her youngest daughter , and was her main care giver as she faced health issues. She helped me raise my children, my son who is 17 helped take care of her too. They had a special bond and he is struggling with his grief as is my 19 year old daughter who is so much like my mom in ways that it makes me smile. I have learned that it takes one step at a time and one day at a time to work through the grieving process, some days are better than others. My mom will always be alive in my heart and memories and words that I share with others about her. She was a fighter and always marched to the beat of her own drum and always did things on her’s and God”s terms. Do not be afraid to share your mom’s memories, your love for her and your memories with those close to you. Your father will have to work through his grief in his way. He may be a private person like my stepfather. It helps keeping a journal of memories you have of her and also your emotions that you may feel about these memories. Keeping a record of your memories and your emotions as you work through your loss, will help you through the grieving process. The one thing that I do know is that while my mom may have gone ahead of me, her love is still very much alive and here with me. I feel it like a warm blanket wrapped around me when I am feeling lost, alone and afraid. Your mom’s love is still with you also, love is something that never dies. I wish you peace, Happiness, and I hope you are able to find the outlet you need to process and work through your grief. God Bless and Be with you.
Donna
Dear Gloria,
Many thanks for your kind reply.
We who lost our Moms know the pain which will outlive us.
Of course losing others in the immediate family is very painful and I have lost everyone and am the sole survivor now, but I must comment that when I lost my Mom I feel as though I also lost myself in that process.
A Mother ties us to our identity as daughters, and that special Mother Daughter bond is real and alive as every breath we take. Once either one dies the other becomes lost in a sea of pain and grief.
What is that saying “A son is a son until he takes a wife, but a daughter is a daughter the rest of her life”…..I was care giver to my Mom every day, and now that she died my days are long, empty, and lonely. Grief for me will outlast me on earth, and I so look forward to eternal life when my time comes to be reunited again with my beloved Mother, and all my departed loved ones.
May God give us more strength, understanding and courage to march on Gloria.
Take care Gloria, and everyone who grieves, and please remember we are never alone, as God is always besides us.
Sorry Gloria as Raven is the correct user name on this web site.
I belong to many grief sites so in my haste to reply I posted my other user name for a different grief web site.
TO: the last musketeer Very familiar with your circumstances; but, am NOT the last…
Miss MOM very much–was her care giver for her last 8 months (she lived with me then–when she wasn’t at hosp/p.t.rehab/surg./or hospice). LOVED having her with me! And, I admit that much of my life she made me a bit crazy…but she ALWAYS meant well! Her heart was so loving & giving! She went HOME to JESUS August 20, 2013. However, she was not the first to be carried HOME…also have a Daughter, Husband, Son, 3 Nephews, Dad & Mom THERE! MISS & LOVE THEM DEEPLY. PLUS: all my ancestors already HOME!
THANKFUL that my older Son is still here–with his Wife & Son! Yes, my GRANDSON!!! We have to continue to live the best that we can. Continue to LOVE. Continue to GIVE when we can—GIVE of ourselves is what I am referring to.
GOD BLESS US EVERY ONE! Prayers for ALL. BLESSED & HAPPY EASTER—PASSOVER!
Dear Perla: It definitely takes more than a couple months for things “to get better”. When I lost an preemie Baby Girl, it was at least a year–& doctors said go ahead & try for another. ‘Course, your health is dependent on that. Lost my Husband (he was 33; sudden, unexpected)…only got a little better after ~ 3 years. But after the 4th year, lost our younger Son (Joseph David, age 14). NEVER get beyond losing him. He was a WONDERFUL SON! Happy, loving, kind…still miss him deeply. Our older Son (Ed Jr.–he’s a WONDERFUL SON as well! they BOTH got that from the Dad!!) is married for 8+ years now & they have a Beautiful Son–YEAH! My GRANDSON! (his middle name is same as his Uncle Joseph’s…). Mom passed 8 1/2 months ago. MISS her SO MUCH!
But One cannot even guess “when” things may get better…EVEN with experience! Each & every LOSS is different. So, do what is right for YOU. Doesn’t matter if someone else says anything about “how” you SHOULD be doing. We’re ALL different ! One more time: EVERY PERSON has to do what is right, good, best for themselves. And NOBODY push them! GOD bless you & yours–make some NEW TRADITIONS to HONOR your Mother. And, might have to change, or tweak, whatever you choose to do–till you get it just the way you (& Family!) want it.
This past July my mom passed away; she was only 37. Im 19 & my little sister is 7. I miss my mom more than anything but I know i’ll be okay.
I’m nervous for my sister though; i feel like the whole concept of death does not make sense to her yet . Our dad is not in our life at alll (which is good),so now its just me,her & our grandparents.
I’m just scared how she’s going to react to everything while growing up without mom. I can’t compare myself to her situation because I grew up with having mom around all the time ; and she is not going to be able to have that..
Soo, im curious if anyone went through the same situation my sister is (loosing mom at a young age)
6 months ago i saw my mum last breath and trying to tell us sonething without success. People doesnt talk about how horrible it is to see someone you really love passing. And my most concern is not just missing her now. It is the confusion and wonder where and how is she. Cant stand the feeling to llive without knowing nothing about her. I have not suicidal tendencies. But i kind of expect my death just to check about her and be part of it. i am 27 and i know most of people doesnt undertand this, at all. I feel im living something horrible that at same time gives me priceless knowledge. Agree that we will never be the same, i actually feel kind of selfish to be alive and cannot understand why all this suffering in the world. It also happened to me ive lost my confidence and my positivity. Because why she had to suffer all that much when she was a great person? Cant believe anymore when peopke say; everything will be allright. I could not tell her that.
I just lost my mother thursday may 1,2014 its been really hard on because she passed away in my house her and my daughter shared a room now my daughter refuses to sleep in there how can i tell her that her nana would never hurt her so she will go back to sleeping in there ?
Please help
My mother died a week ago! i will post in a few weeks times, still in a shock and grieving and I am coping because I know that the good Lord knows what he was doing! he can never hurt me intentionally! My mother was my rock( No ) she is still my rock.
This is such a lovely article, a month and a half ago I loss my mom to cancer. I found out in mid February of her diagnosis. I had been planning my wedding during this time, she hadn’t been feeling well since sept so I tried not to trouble her with all the little mundane details, even though I didn’t realize the severity of her not feeling well. She passed away suddenly at her home 5 weeks after telling us kids and her only knowing for sure for 6 weeks. She died March 22 and my wedding was planned for April 12. I was numb… And I couldn’t make the decision to push the wedding back a while. I new what she had wanted so I moved forward. At 32 I had lost my mom, planned her funeral and a week after her funeral had my wedding. I can’t even explain how hard this past month and a half have been. Loosing my best friend whom I was inceperable with at such a monumental time. Although there was comfort knowing she wouldn’t suffer how so many suffer with terminal cancer. This article helped and touched base on how I was feeling. Thank you
Dear Lisa,
Thank you for the wonderful post. It moved me to tears and that doesn’t happen often.
I m 26 and my mother died in a motor vehicle accident on June 11th 2012. It will be 2 years in a month and I find that very hard to believe. We understood each other perfectly, and regularly fought over the silliest of things and always made up after a while. I resisted everything till she forced it upon me. hated to admit when she was right. But we were a team. we shared the same dream for my career and future. But her sudden death has halted my life. One regular morning we set off for work and she dint come back home in the evening. I felt her hand grow cold in mine, as i sat in the hospital.
My father, brother and I are trying to keep it together and living each day as it comes, making an effort to keep our lives going like it was before.
I think of her everyday, all the time. She had so much of her life ahead of her. She was barely allowed to reap the fruits of her hard work and watch my brother and me settle down in life. I missed her a lot at my graduation, and I dread my wedding more than anything (if and when that were to happen). I cannot imagine someone who dint know my mother at all, being my significant other because what I am today is a mere shadow of what i used to be when she was around. Reading your mother’s response to the same question which haunts me, brought me clarity in a way. Thank you for that. I know that I am my mother’s legacy and I knew her heart as well as she did mine. It will never cease to be less true that she is gone.
The comments and stories shared by other readers were truly moving. Your personal situation seems to be a challenging one, I hope your daughter and you are able to part ways with fewer unsaid things, when the time comes.
Hey guys, I just wanna thank you for sharing your stories…..I am 28yrs also recently lost my mom who was 46 yrs on the 7th of April 2014. She was not sick or and never complained about anything or pain that troubles her. On the 7th around 18:00 my mom and granny had supper and after that my mom went lock the gate. on her way back she said she was feeling dizzy and asked for water…..when granny gave her water to drink she fell and she passed away same time. I am so traumatised, dealing with the pain is so unbearable. I wasnt at home when it happened because i work far from home. I wish I had seen her at least got a chance to say my goodbyes to her. It so hard to accept all this, im the only child which makes the pain twice as hard coz i have no siblings to share the pain with. so now its just me and granny….I asked myself if God loves me, how can He not save my mom knowing she is my everything, my reason for breathing, my queen, my sister and my freind. Now all that is gone!!!! Sometimes i wish i can just die and follow my mom so that I wont feel this pain anymore, but then I think that will be selfish of me to leave Granny by herself.
My mom died a little over a month ago, one day after my 28th birthday on April 8th, 2014. My mom had liver cancer which she was diagnosed with only five short months before she died. In February she had a procedure to inject chemo directly into her tumor and for all I knew, it was working because besides being a little tired, my mom was okay. I now see though, that procedure was the beginning of the end. I wish she would not have done it, but the doctors told her that was her only shot ( I didn’t know that either). She was still working up to one week before she died. She was so strong and I think that she was in a lot more pain then she was telling us kids because she was protecting us. I miss my mom so badly, it physically hurts. I cry at least once a day, many days much more. Thinking about the fact that I will never see her again hurts so bad. Like most mothers and daughters we had our differences but no matter what, she was my mommy and I was her baby. The thing that I am struggling with the most is that I had no idea how bad my mom’s condition was until weeks before she died. My mom knew how sad I would be so she kept the severity of her condition from me. Maybe it was also a little denial, but I truly believed my mom when she said she was going to fight it and that everything would be okay. About a month before my mom died, she decided she needed to check some things off her bucket list, one of those things being a trip Yosemite with my husband and I. We were supposed to go Easter weekend, but she never made it. Even then though, she told me she was going to be okay and that she would have time to do many more bucket list items, she never got to do any. My mom refused to have the “death discussion” with me because I think deep down, she wasn’t even willing to accept it herself let alone endure the heart break that telling me would bring to both of us. I just wish I could talk to her one more time. I wish she could give me one more piece of her motherly advice on how I will be able to live the rest of my life without her. I am devastated and heartbroken by this loss, and although I know that she kept me in the dark to protect my heart, I wish she would have told me so that I could have been there for hers and so that we could have had more precious moments together. My brother who lives closer to my mom was the one who would go to her appointments with her, and he would always tell me that things were not good, so I would call my mom and she would say things are fine and that my brother was over exaggerating. I now know that he was not, and I wish so badly that I wouldn’t have been in such denial. About a week before my mom passed, I got a call from my brother saying that mom was not doing well and that I better come down. I immediately rushed down to her. The moment she saw me she started crying and said “I’m not dying” but, she knew she was. It is just heartbreaking. The following weekend, a few days before she passed, my husband and I went to visit her and to be with her on my birthday. To no surprise, even with how sick she was, when we arrived she had organized a beautiful birthday party for me with balloons and cake and food, flowers and gifts. This was three days before she died and she was still trying to make sure her baby had a nice birthday. Even though I have my wonderful and caring husband who was also at my mom’s side when she died, I feel very alone. I loved her more than anyone else and I surely miss her more than anyone else. I keep waiting for signs that my mom is with me, but nothing so far. I just wish I could see her and talk to her one last time, so we could finally talk about the things she was not willing to talk about when she was alive. Something that sticks in my mind was this last Christmas, when my mom was making her award winning apple pie, I was supposed to be paying attention so I could learn how to make it but I didn’t because I thought I would have so many more opportunities to watch her, but now I won’t. On her death bed, she was talking about the apple pie. It breaks my heart. I hope this pain eases, but my sadness and sense of loss never will. The lesson I have learned is not to take time for granted. I thought I had so many more years with my mom, and just like that, she is gone. Who is going to be there to help me when I have babies? Who is going to to be my shoulder to cry on when the only person that could comfort me is the one who I have lost? My husband can’t bare this burden alone, it is not fair to him. I just feel lost. I don’t have a relationship with my father. He lives in Europe and I haven’t seen him in four years, and my brothers just don’t understand. They are much older than me and were not nearly as close with my mom as I was. I just want her back.
I.Espinoza—hello…I am sorry for the grief you and all of the ladies here are experiencing. I read through your entire post and I have many of the same emotions. I’m older than you (50) and my mom was 78 when she passed Christmas before last. But I still think of her everyday and cry at times. My sister and my daughters and I were extremely close with her and helped take care of her. The pain will absolutely dull over time….not go away, but it will become easier to cope with. Its sounds like you were (and are) a great daughter to your mom. I think you mentioned that you will never see your mom again. I do not think that is true. The reason is because my sister and I have had a couple of AMAZING experiences since my mom passed. I’d be happy to share them if you’d like to leave your e-mail address. Take care, Joan
My name is Sarah, I am 21. I just lost my mom 8 months ago suddenly. Reading this has made me sad, but also reassuring. I’m not engaged but I am with someone serious who never met my mother. It makes it hard at times when I start crying and he doesn’t quite know what to do. I do talk of my mom often. I just think of 6 years from now like this woman and think of all the things she will miss. Reading this has helped. Thank you very much. My mother was my best friend, she was my hero.
My name is Elaine, I am 33 and lost my mother on Thursday 15 May 2014……without warning or any serious illness beforehand. My mother had me when she was 18, we shared a special bond, she was my best friend & much more, we never had any secrets.
Nothing in the world could’ve prepared me for the day I lost my mother. Got a phone call from my brother (30) to say he is at my mother’s house and that the ambulance is on their way. He said he was called by our half brother, only 11, to say that there is something wrong with mommy and that she collapsed on the bed. My brother said meet us at the hospital as it would take us too long to get to her house, by then the ambulance would’ve taken her already.
The last thing my brothers (30& 11) remembers is my mother lying in the ambulance and she showing them a thumbs up……….just to confirm that she is ok going alone in the ambulance and that they should just follow.
On the way to the hospital my mother had a server heart attack in the ambulance.
I arrived at the hospital first, the paramedics just took my mother inside. We all waited outside the ER waiting to see her. After about 30 minutes they came to give us an update………..The haven’t stopped with CPR for almost 45 minutes…….they didn’t confirm anything they just said they were still busy with her.
They took us into the ER and made us comfortable in a room next to the Resusitation room. 15 min later a Chaplin arrived, the doctor came in and confirmed that they couldn’t do anything else for my mother……..the did CPR for more than an hour.
I was overcome with so many emotions……….We all couldn’t believe it. My 11 year old brother was histerical, as he also lost his father in 2010…..my mother was his world!
I went to see her after they declared her death, it felt like I was in a dream. I fell down on my knees next to her and just held her hand, she was still warm.
They brought me all her jewelry, I put it on immediately. It has been 4 weeks and I can’t take her chain off my neck.
The last 4 weeks have felt like a dream, 4 weeks without my mother has felt like 4 years without her. None of us have been away from our mother this long.
I’ve felt numb, I’ve felt sad and I’ve felt angry the last few weeks. My life it upside down and it feels empty. I just want to phone my mom, listen to her voice and ask her advice.
We now need to look after our half brother of 11. It’s a difficult task. We are all emotional and we deal with it in a different day. I feel I need to be the strong one as I am the eldest. It is not easy……
My heart aches, I just want her back, I want to feel her hugs. I keep on putting some of her perfume on my arm, just to smell her, it make her feel close by….
Love you lots mom!
Elaine,
I am a little younger than your mom by a couple of years, my heartfelt sympathy for your loss. l just lost my mom four months ago to inflammatory breast cancer. She was 80 years old, but so full of life. It was very fast , she was diagnosed in November 2013 and left us in Febuary. It sent us into a tailspin. I am almost 50 and the loss of Mom is just mind blowing at times. It is a process of one day at a time, one step at a time. I associate the smell of Jergens Lotion and Sweet Honesty perfume and powder with my mom, so I use those when I need the closeness with her. It is funny what we attach to our parents memories and a lot of it I find is special scents. I lost my dad in 1999 to Bladder Cancer and the smell of his fried chicken is my comfort scent. I think these types of memories are a way of keeping our loved ones alive in our memories . If wearing her things brings you comfort than do so. It takes some time but you will begin to heal inside, I don’t think we get over the loss of our moms or dads but we do learn acceptance gradually. I pray that you will find peace and comfort in the days to come. God Bless…. Donna
Hello, I’ve been reading these I am 19 years old, and it’s been 5 years ever since I last saw my friend Michael. He was killed at the age of 15, and I was only a year younger, I can still feel his last heart beats, because he ended up jumping in front of a bullet for me. May 25th every year, I cry my eyes out, and play a song that reminds me of him. If it wasn’t for him, I would be dead. Many times have I had thoughts about my mom dieng, and it hurts too much to think about. Even though we don’t get along all the time, due to my rebellious teenage mind, I still couldn’t think of a world without her. Like reading these made me cry, I was watching a movie, and it brought out emotions, so I googled I don’t want my mother to die, I couldn’t live with out her, just to see the results, this site was the first one. My Grandfather died of lung cancer, but yet again it didn’t hurt as bad for I was only 4 at the time. Anyways I make sure I tell my mom I love her, I couldn’t imagine bring roses too my moms grave. I still cry, and grieve over Michael, sometimes wishing he wouldn’t of jumped in front of me. when you hear someone’s last words , it changes you. Anyways I just needed to type this, sorry if it goes against the rules of replying. I just needed to vent just as much as every one else. Take care everyone 🙂
– Dylan
I just lost my mom a month and a half ago. Just planning a trip up to Connecticut for the weekend to celebrate my little cousins 13th Birthday when @5am it all turned for the worse. I’m 36 and have a 34 y old sister. And at the time I had a 7 month old baby boy, whom she adored with all her heart. But from 1 min to another she was gone. Just like that….
I cry everyday since she got I’ll on April 5 and passed away April 30, 2014. And when I say I cry everyday, I do. I just can’t stop thinking of her and now living in her old apt with her stuff. It’s too much.
I can understand what u going thru at a time where u should be having the time of ur life at ur wedding just like my mom with my son.
Both our guardian angels in heaven.
I am 39 and my mother lost her three year battle with cancer 4 days ago. I am a mom of three who adored her and I am trying to work through my grief and gain the tools to help them through their’s. They are 3,6 & 12. Suggestions welcomed.
Hi Im 22 and I just lost my mother almost a month now. She celebrated her birthday April 9, and as well as their wedding anniversary on April 27.. She had a stroke April 29 and was hospitalized for a month. She stayed in the ICU and being a nurse myself, I felt helpless knowing theres nothing much that I can do except for helping her relieve the coughing thru suctuoning. I’ve seen how she improves and later deteriorates. She died May 30, 2014 when she had another stroke, just a month after having the first stroke. She did everything for us, she worked overseas just so she can send my sister and I to college, and built a house for us. I always feel I could have done better for her. She is always there when I have problems. She will always be my sweetest memory.
[…] When daughters grieve the death of their mothers […]
since you are one of the person who inspired me to write my story, I included a link to this page on my website. Here it is http://www.carloisles.com/blog/2-year-old-boy-remembers-mother-after-her-death/
thanks for being nice and able to relate to everybody. keep it up.
Wow. The grief is unbearable. Lost my Mom two weeks ago. I am 46, she was 70. Cancer. What I find most difficult is knowing this emotional pain will not go away.
For those of you who lost mothers years ago…how do you go on?
So many of you have written that you still cry all the time. I’m not sure I am that strong. The tears just keep coming. How do I function if it will never get easier?
I just lost my sister 2 days ago to cancer, she was 48. She left behind her 14 year old daughter and my mom who was her closest friend. I imagine my brother and I will be ok, we have familys of our own. I am very concearned for my niece and mother. I know thier pain must be unbearable. My niece has no Father. The only father she has ever known was her grandfather my dad who she also watched die from cancer 6 years ago. I am trying to figure out how I can help them cope and how I can include them as much as possible in my family. I can’t imagine how much pain they are facing.
To: Matt
I am sorry to hear of the death of your Sister. Always hard to loose a Loved One to death.
Simply, include your Niece & you Mother as much as you can! Truly! They may not always want to be included, but they can tell you that when it is the case.
The bond is huge…and, men & women ARE different. (NOT saying this doesn’t affect you & Brother–I KNOW it does. May not have had time to…sink in yet.) You & Brother do as much as you can for the Family to be close–in heart! Talk with them frequently as possible; & be WILLING to listen when they need to talk about your Sister that has passed on! Indeed, this may be a loooong time coming–have PATIENCE.
Perhaps, continue with an occasional tradition your Sister may have had with her Daughter, & your Mom; but also, after a bit, make some NEW TRADITIONS as well.
You ARE Family! So, behave thusly! Prayers for ALL.
Yes… and to follow that response.. I often find the answer is in the question… for instance.. “I am trying to figure out how I can help them cope and how I can include them as much as possible in my family.” The answer is, “Help them cope. Include them as much as possible in your family.” It is all about keeping your heart open and following the message you already have. Your heart sounds like a kind heart. Trust it. “Ask” your sister. Listen and trust the voice or message you hear.
I lost my mother to Leukemia 7 months ago. She was 68 years old. Life is so crazy that it gives me the impression that I have to get over my feelings and continue on. And while life still does go on, I don’t think I’ll ever get over losing her.
I stumbled upon this blog today and this particular article hit a definite chord with me because I’m 27 and so I am experiencing a lot of the same feelings. Although my mom raised me with so much love and attention, it saddens me that she’s not going to be around for the adult milestones that are coming my way such as getting married and starting a family. I wanted her here for support and to share from woman to woman all the emotions that come with it. So now I know I have to figure all this out on my own, and it’s scary. I’m also in relationship with someone I care about so much, but the task of trying to get him to understand what I went through before meeting him is daunting. But I do talk about her to him often, so much that he says he feels like he almost knows her in person.
My faith has kept me going up to this point knowing that she’s resting and no longer crippled by the horrible ailments that plagued her, but I realize when I do cry, I cry for me because I’m missing such a key component of my life. So coming to grips with the fact that the bad feelings are going to continue to come up for the rest of my life is part of the coping process, as is continuing to celebrate her life and continuing the fight for her….which is why I signed up to raise money for the Leukemia and Lyphoma Society by participating in a 10K. I figure putting my energy into something positive will help me put my mind as ease for the moment by serving as a distraction.
But at the end of the day, I miss her every minute of every day. Her spirit will live on in me, and I plan on making that my mission. I wish everyone who has lost a loved one the best and may God give you the strength to at least look towards the next day.
It has been about 7 months since I lost my mom. I wanted to know how do you move on when years go by?
It hasn’t been really long since I lost my mother but it had been over a year. You just have to find something to look forward to, to keep going. It is really rough the first year but it should get easier. I am 13 but I had to take on many responsibilities because of my mothers sickness and death. Trust me, it will get better. It just takes time to heal.
Hi there i’m struggling to get over the death of my Mother I was 11 months when she passed away in a big car accident. I cant talk to anyone about her because everyone always stars crying when I just mention her name. I know nothing about her and just wish for one day with her. I don’t know if some of you had ever watched the movie “a mother for Christmas ” well that’s how I feel every day of my life. I’m engaged and getting married in a view months and its every woman’s dream to have her Mother there to help put on her dress and doing her make up and just tell her you look gorgeous my Little Princes.
I am 13 years old and my mother died just over a year ago. When I was 2, her heart stopped and she has to get a defibrillator to keep her alive. In 2012 since the left side of her heart was failing, she got a left ventricular assist device. Since I am the youngest child in my family I was always the closest to her. She had a tube that needed to be cleaned everyday that came out of her stomach and it kept her alive. I cleaned it when my dad was out of town and when he was out with friends. Then in the summer of 2013, she had cranial bleeding and she died. The last words I said to her were goodnight. Not I love you. It truly has been the worst year of my life. Someone has already tried to replace her. I hate them for doing that. No one can ever replace her. She was a reason why I liked getting up in the morning. I want to see her face and hear her voice again. I would do anything to have her back. I miss her so much and I love her more than anything in the world. I just wish I had said something different to her.
My mum passed 3 weeks ago. She was my best friend, I am lost without her. Chantal I also wonder if I did all that I could. I slept by her bed in the hospital and pushed the doctors for answers. they were so confident that the operation would be a success. I was not prepared for what was to happen (who is). Even after they said mum was gone I sat at her bed till the last second. so many thoughts go through my mind, looking for answers. People keep saying “it gets better” and “time heals” so not what I need to hear right now. I cannot describe the hurt I feel. I feel like i’m just going through the motions of daily things. Everything I do reminds me of my mum, to top it off my dad says that I’m a younger version of my mum. I just cant believe she is gone, I keep waiting for the phone to ring im a mess and I wish I could just crawl in to ball.
Jacqueline, So sorry to hear of your Mum’s passing–so recently. It is one of the most difficult things life gives us. Especially, as Daughters. My Mom went HOME to JESUS August 20, 2013…still hurts me deeply that she’s not here with me. In my home, or able to be in her home–where my three Brothers & I grew up together. She is/was the ABSOLUTE BEST MOM we could’ve possible asked for!! As I’m sure your Mum is as well. It is a compliment that your Dad says you’re a younger version of her! Indeed! She’s ALWAYS in your heart & mind; focus on the good times & memories.
Not today. Prob’ly not tomorrow. It’ll be alright–someday. Cry when you must, want. Remember that your Mum wants nothing more than for you to be happy–as best you can for now. Make new memories with your Dad; keep & maintain some of your Family Traditions, but also, start some new Traditions…Honoring Her Memory.
I was not ready for my Mom to leave either–even though she’d been ill for several years…took chemo for years (sometimes as often as every 2 weeks). She was a FIGHTER! ‘Cause she loved LIFE!
Take everything One day at a time…even sometimes, one moment at a time. GIVE yourself the space that you feel you need. Do what’s best for you; you can’t always go by how someone else may have handled a similar situation. “Cause, we’re ALL VERY DIFFERENT.
Don’t know if you are a praying person–One of Faith. It helps MORE than many people realize, acknowledge. Don’t know where I would be, if it were not for the LORD GOD ALMIGHTY! I’ve had to accept several of my own personal Family losses…
Learn what you may from your experience. Generally, there may come a time (most likely) when WE can Comfort One in a similar life circumstance, because WE have been through it–and learned what we could.
Prayerful Hugs for you & your Dad Jacqueline.
My mother passed away five years ago from a sudden illness. She lived in another state and I wasn’t there. I had just lost my husband to cancer, four months earlier. While I went through all the stages of grief over losing him, I now realize that I never allowed myself to fully grieve over her. I was so wrapped up in sadness over losing this man I loved so much that my siblings who lived close to Mom never even told me she was ill until it was too late to visit her and say goodbye. I wish they had given me the choice to do that. Her death seems unreal to me. Her house just sold this year (her husband had inherited it, but now he has passed away) and I’ve been trying to use some of the small inheritance to create memorials for her. I preserved her singing voice on a video, and I am painting a bench to donate to a local humane society. While I thought these things would make me feel better, in fact, they are making me feel much worse. It’s almost as if I just lost her. I can’t bear to listen to her voice on the tape, or look at her likeness on the bench. I am so acutely aware of her absence now, and she’s been gone five years! Missing her has also made me miss my late husband more. I’ve been searching for ways to process this. People tell me to “let myself grieve,” but I can’t take weeks out of my life to just cry. I feel like I had recovered from being a widow, but now I can’t seem to recover from being an orphan, and it’s ruining my life.
Dear Lila,
I am really sorry for your loss. it is very tragic that you have had to live with two such instances of grief. My own mother passed away one year and seven months ago, and I have almost become numb to my loneliness. Her absence is now a new condition of my existence. I hope you find some new hope and new lease of life, to help you accept the loss of your dear ones and maybe help you heal inside. They probably are in a better place. I hope you find solace in the life you have at hand and make fresh memories with new experiences. At the end of the day, all our days are numbered and we are all alone in our own way. but know that those that are with you here and now also matter as much and find a way to let them in and help you regain control over your life and self.
All the best. I wish you find a way to lessen your pain.
I just lost my mother on September 9, 2014 the same day of the lost of her sister under her passed away 4 years ago. And, before her my momz oldest sister pass January 7 of the same year. All had BREAST Cancer and my mother and one had lung cancer also. I had my brother to get killed in 2002 due to a tragic motorcycle accident. We were the only two kids my momz had. Now its only me. I buried my momz sister whom had no kids on September 18, 2010 and now I will be burying my Mother on September 19, 2014. I am so lost. I pray for strength. Lord Help me♡
Sharuthai Robinson: Very sorry about your Mom’s passing & Others; passing of your Brother.
Hurts something awful! My Mom went HOME to JESUS a year + ago. (breast cancer–she fought it for YEARS, & had chemo as often as every 2 weeks sometimes) MISS her so very much…
My Dad also went home, some years ago (lung cancer); also, had a Daughter stillborn (’74), my Husband went HOME suddenly, unexpectedly (’87). And, unfortunately for me (& my Brothers, Parents), in ’91 my SONS were in a car accident with 2 of their First Cousins (yep, 2 of my 3 Brothers Sons as well…) Joseph David was 14 & went HOME to JESUS–miss him as if it were yesterday. His older Brother Edward Ray 16 was the only survivor…I THANK GOD he lived. It was SUPER hard on him when I had to tell him the Others didn’t make it (Benjamin Robert 14 & Jason Paul 16). WE KNOW they were CHRISTIANS, so we KNOW we’ll see them, hug, them, laugh, smile & talk with them again! It hurts anyway!!!!
You MUST HOLD ON. Keep your FAITH–I could not have made it if it had not been for the LORD GOD. SINCERELY. Solid CHRISTIAN music has gotten me through so much.
Try to choose music for your dear Mom’s services that she enjoyed, & that means alot to you–for COMFORT. Hold on to some of your Family Traditions; & make some NEW Traditions along with them. Take care of yourself. TRUST GOD ALMIGHTY–HE WILL see you through. Prayerful Hugs Lady.
Sharuthai, I too lost my mom on September 9th. She gave absolutely no indication that there was anything wrong with her, and that morning she just collapsed. We were able to get her to the hospital, but the doctors could not save her. It was diagnosed as congestive heart failure. We were totally unprepared for this, and were left scrambling to figure out what to do next. I am only 22 years old, and my mom was my best friend. Not a day went by that I didn’t speak with her, or see her in some way. I feel like there is a dark void inside of me right now, that no amount of support, or help can fill. I have gone through so many stages of grief: shock, numbness, anger, regret… but none of that changes the fact that I will never be able to see or speak to her.
Even though only a week has passed, I feel like I have aged about 10 years. I am dealing with things that I never thought I would have to deal with. I have to get a second job to help my dad, who barely makes enough, there are so many bills that need to be paid, and so much paperwork to take care of. I don’t know how I will be able to get through this, I am only 22, how am I supposed to know how to do all of this?
I feel so hopeless. I feel like I am stuck. I feel like I won’t be able to move forward with my life because of all of the responsibilities I now have.
I hope, I pray, that I will be able to get through this. Right now I can only take things one day at a time because if I start thinking about the future, and my mom isn’t in it with me, I just want to cry. I have done so much crying. I didn’t even know I could cry so much. My mom was my everything.
Dear Katherine,
My heart goes out to you in this difficult time. I can understand exactly what you are going through, as I was in a similar situation two years ago, when my mother passed away in a motor vehicle accident. I had just graduated, was 24, and was figuring out where to begin my career when I faced similar dilemmas about so much paperwork, unpaid bills, how to keep the house going especially when I didn’t want to live another day without her in this world. I cant tell you how to go about these things, all I can say is you will find the most unexpected of strength and support from within as days go by. And I hope you give your father a chance to play a bigger role in sharing your responsibility, he might be made of sterner stuff than you think. And do not sacrifice your dreams and future plans for immediate relief, because your mother would have never wanted that. After my mother left me, I felt that it was the worst thing that could ever happen, and there was nothing that could shake me anymore. it just steeled me from within and gave me courage to take on the added responsibilities.
Life will move on whether you want it on not. take your time and keep at it. The sudden maturity you have gained will make you a new person and from now on you are both your old self and a part of your mother who lives on through you.
Katherine, help yourself and your dad through these times, keep her memory alive because that is precious and things will become better, a new normal. good luck.
My name is Lauren I just lost my mom a year ago feb 14 2013 and I’m 31 years old and the piece of info has made me feel a little better cause I now live in my moms house and miss her everyday we were very close she was my best friend and I always asked how long is this going to hurt no I know it’s ok to grieve her loss as long as I need to and it’s not easy with her grandchildren but now I know it’s ok and they can as well I can until we are ready to let go thanks much!
Hi, my mom died 18 sept 2014, we had her funeral / service yesterday. It broke me in a million pieces. Feels I just want to run away until my feet hurts and cant go any further. We had our issues but we were close, had braai’s on Sunday, chats in the evenings. I’m not over the grieve of my father who died in 2008 – how must I deal with the death of my mother. She worked at our local chemist – so everyone knew her. And everyone has so many good memories of her – and not even one is the same. She touched so many peoples life and hearts. I have been reading all of the above messages, but still I dont know how to cope. And yet I have to stay strong for my son who is 7 years old and my daugher who is 11 months. I am 29 and my mother was 61.
my lovely Mother died on the 1st June 2014 in a nursing home having been there for 3 years. She had very bad arthritis and died after getting pneumonia. I spent 2 days with her before she died. It has been so hard, yesterday was the 4th month anniversary and its harder now than ever. I was in shock for the first few months. Autumn is closing in and the dark evenings. I am really missing her, wishing she was here even for 5 mins, my belief helps me. I do feel she is with me all the time in another form. Im 57 and Mam was 88 when she passed. She was and is a great woman. I believe I will meet her again. Take care everyone, it was great to read all your messages, it helps me to know I am not alone.
Mary
Mary, I know, why is it the evenings/nights are the worst? During the day, it’s manageable but the evenings really take a toll. I can relate.
I lost my mother in october of 2006. Its still hurts today as if.it.just happened today. I cry at little things she never got.to see her great granddaughter who has mannerisms just.like her. New people in my life have no idea how much she meant to me.and my family seems to have fallen apart since her passing. She was.our glue. She was our angel. Really not sure how to not hurt so much. Ots so painful and i try not to show it in front of my kids because they.loved her too and i dont want them to be upset
I lost my Mom last week. She will always be my hero. I love her so much. I’ve been in shock up till now and I can’t seem to stop crying. I don’t mind crying. She is worth every tear. The trouble is that I have to work, meet with people, act like I have it together. I’m trying. I don’t know what to do, other than keep trying. And then also, I remembered something she’d asked me to do a few years back, and I meant to, planned as soon as I had time…. I’ve feel like a zombie. She was my true friend. The only person I could completely trust.
Hi Pamela,
Sorry for your loss, same here I losy my mother last month Spet. 28, 2014 and to this day its still hurt so much, and like what you said we have to work, meet with people and act so hard that everything is ok even if the truth is not. I also have a daughter and husband I need to take care of so I put my brave face that mommy is ok. But when I’m alone all I can think of is my beloved mother. I know we will heal in HIs time, may God bless you and comfort you on this day forward.
I lost my mother 38 years ago and only came to terms with her death 26 years after her death – last week I lost both my sisters one day after the other. One of my sisters has four children in their thirties with families of their own and I know that my experiences losing my mother will help me to help my nieces and nephews to get through this very long road ahead. Oh my gosh I cannot even begin to know where to start with this very tragic event in all of our lives. I would appreciate any help or guidance I can get…….
I lost my mom September 30, 204, after a bout with Leukemia. I am an only child, and did everything with my mom. She could not drive for the past 20 years, so everywhere she needed to go I took her. It was really fun having her here. She was my best friend. I am 64, and my mom was 90. She could get around really good, and no one thought she was even 90. Although people say I should be grateful I had her so long, and I am, I still wish she could have lived longer. I lived with her so the nights are terrible. I come out into the hall and want to talk to her and she is no longer there. It is so empty and I cry most of the night with little sleep. I am living in Indianapolis, Indiana right now, but may make a move to Los Angeles, California for a change of scenery, and to get away for the harsh winters we have. I wish everyone God’s peace and love that are going through a similar situation. Sheila
I apologize for not adding these items to my previous addition. I also lost my fathe rto cancer in August 2013 and my husband to cancer in 2012. So it has been three years of grief during the months of August and September. Thanks Sheila
I never before thought that I would actually do this, post something on a website. I lost my mom just a little over a week ago, on the 3rd of October 2014. She had just been discharged from hospital again. I last went to see her the Thursday evening and was to see her the Friday afternoon. My brother and his wife were there and let me know she looked a lot better and was very tired. So I decided it was best that I gave her a little time to rest and we will all go again on Saturday morning. 11h20 that evening she passed away and I never got to see her again. My grief is still very new and I have no idea how to deal with it right now. All i know and can tell anyone, If you feel you supposed to go, DONT change your mind and think it will be ok to go later or the next day. You might not get that chance again. I was not able to see my mommy very often as she lived in a different town and it was difficult for me to get there. She came to stay with me for a little while and needed a lot of care. I was able to arrange a frailcare centre. However this was just too late. she was there for only two weeks and was hospitalized again. She was in hospital for only two weeks, and got discharged that Friday morning. So I was not able to see her again. I know that she is now free of pain and suffering, She had a very difficult life, from her childhood right through to her last day. Unfortunately I was not able to help her. I didnt have money or resources or anything. But I think she gave up on life, She was very tired. And I know she is at peace now, but I do not know how to live without her in my life. My 2nd eldest brother is really troubling me as well. I am so worried of what might happen to him. He has not grieved at all yet and I have always been so close to him as well. I dont know what I would do if something had to happen to him as well. If anyone can advise me on how to cope or deal with this process I am going though. Please let me know. Thanks Penny
My Mom fought to live to the very last day, I chose to be her caregiver, and I set her free into the land of Royalities with as much grace, love and dignity any child would for their parent.
Within a short span; I lost my Mom, my purpose, my income, and my exsistance was threatened.
Within 10 days of my Mom’s passing I enrolled in a course, finished exams, study for state exams finished passed and had a quick plan to be financial productive as this was my only hope, nope did not happen, became frozen.
I could not move, became stagnant unable to leave my home.
Weeks passed alienated myself from anyone who was a part of my life.
I started to take baby steps back, building little by little.
My resources on hold afraid to make a wrong decision afraid to make any decision.
And an email from from someone who was a part of my life, sent me back to the frozen stage.
I regressed back to the emotional zone I took baby steps to move forward and onward.
I am afraid to go back out and try anymore, is this a normal grieving mode.
All I do is insure my bills are paid.
I am not ready to move forward is this normal.
It is two and a half decades this week in October since my Mom died, and I came to this website today after eventually having had several years – many years at a time, in fact, when tho I missed her and still loved her, the pain had finally grown so much less that I could feel a true zest for life – which of course I know she would want me to feel. But for some reason tonight I just wanted to somehow “be” with others who also lost and miss their Mom – so I stumbled on this website, and after reading a great many entries, I suddenly know I wanted to write.
And here is what I want to say to all those who are hurting, and missing their Moms- that my heart is with you. Some of your stories are so so so much more horrible-sounding than mine- some of you have been through your Mom’s death in a way that I can’t even begin to imagine. Others of you I think had it “easier” than me — but just as I say either extreme of those words, I realize that is NOT the point
Instead, I think the point is that all of the words on these pages, and all of the words that will never be on these pages from people all over the world in all sorts of other cultures who also loose their Moms- – all of this incredibly human sorrow and pain and grief, tell such an important story. For- don’t all these words speak so clearly of a relationship that truly DOES NOT DIE? When you take all these words together, isn’t is visible that what we are all really saying, deep down despite our differences and in our similarities- –is that this relationship DOES live on beyond death? This page shows we have these CONNECTIONS – long long long beyond death- – and I for one ultimately find that comforting, amazing, a miracle- and a gift from all that is Mother, Mom, Mommy. It IS true that our connections live on- and this page is testament to it.
So what I would say here tonight to those who are reading is just a few hard-won, hard-learned things from my own two-and-a-half-decade walk with grief. First, please oh please do NOT berate yourself. Your Mom would not want that and it is so unnecssessary. Truly. You see, our culture is so goofed up in so many ways- it is the culture that is toxic – – not our feelings of love and connection to our Moms.
Second, I can tell you all that it DOES get better- it does- just far slower and far longer than anyone would ever think- – and FAR longer than those around us usually want it to take (especially those who have never been there.) For me, the first year was pretty bad but the second and third years were hardest because you heard her name less and less. And for 5, 6 or maybe even 7 years I too had so many of the feelings I see in these pages- disconnected from life, feeling so much longing and homesickness for Mom, often so lost, and it DOES physically hurt, too! But sloooooowwwly, so so so slowly, it DID get better. In fact, I reached a point where I kind of had to battle with myself- part of me did not want to feel better because for a while, I thought that meant I was loosing that much more of Mom – to be able to feel better. But finally, I could see that not only is her love in me and what makes me me, but that there IS this connection that IS there. And gradually, gradually – with my Mom there with me every step of the way I am sure, I regained a true zest and true love for life. I delighted in keeping the traditions she taught me and in creating new ones that honored not only her, but others in pain. I learned that it DID help if I thought about how I could help others — and I created some really great traditions that way. For several Christmases, for example, I took a tray of cookies and presents to the intensive care hospital where she died, as I knew how lonely it was there- and if there was no one in the lobby I just left them in mom’s name- but if someone was there and wanted to talk, I listened. That sort of thing- just finding small things to help others in order to honor my mom really REALLY helped- I think because it made that connection – that love- come truly ALIVE again.
Third, there were very few words that people said that offered any comfort whatsoever. But one of the things that did was when someone just mentioned to me so gently that to feel pain and sadness when a mother passes makes me one of the lucky ones. “You wouldn’t NOT want it to feel that way, would you?” I was asked? And it dawned on me that not everyone had that type of relationship with their mothers- and that I WAS and AM one of the lucky ones.
Fourth, I also learned a little trick that really really helped. I went to the library and bookstores and checked our or bought all the books I could find on grief, and death and dying. And I made sure to have a nice pile of them beside my bed. That way, during those long nights that came so often in the beginning when I could not sleep, I could at least turn to the books and read my way through the night– turning the aching emptiness of those lonely lonely hours into a time when if nothing else, I could teach myself about grief and when I could LEARN. (One of the best series of books I found was about Near Death experiences- – I found those stories both fascinating and comforting. Closer to the Light was one such book – but there are MANY topics and MANY books, and I believe you will find yours and that learning about all sorts of things related to this topic will truly help.
And fifth- and possibly most importantly – I learned to LISTEN and TRUST. I learned that if I kept my eyes open and my ears open I would – from time to time- see little “coincidences” – – little “signs” — I call them “Hi Mom” moments. Moments when I would wonder- am I making this up or is that kind of a little sign, Mom, that you are there with me? After enough of these (which were more frequent in the first several years after she died but which have NEVER completely stopped even nearly 25 years later…) — I finally began to truly trust these things- – because I could SENSE the connection WAS still there.
So oh my dear sisters and brothers who are going thru the death of a parent, a Mom- a child- – my heart goes out to you. As so many of these posts say – You are NOT alone. SO many of us have been there.
And the very existence of a web page like this is testament that those connections so very much DO and ARE living on after death. We are ALL testament to that. Love WINS. It really does- and it really does get better- because LOVE WINS.
You ARE loved. RH
I lost my mother to a stroke – she never regained speech or recognition of me. BEFORE the stroke, we were best friends for 52 years….I feared the day that i would be without her….there are times that I cannot breathe that I miss her so much! The stroke hit the left side of her brain on September 25, 2014- she passed on October 12…..with me holding her hand and kissing her beautiful face. There will never be a day that I am on this planet that I won’t miss her voice….her wisdom…her class!
I lost my mother close to 6 months ago from cancer, and it is so hard to find people who can relate to what I am going through. Especially at 18. I think the hardest thing right now is that all of my closest friends have their mothers to still go to and I do not. Being as young as I am and not having her is a huge struggle throughout my day. There are so many times that I wish I could go to her for encouragement and just to feel her hug me again would ease my stress of college. Nothing beats a mothers hug. I also think daily what life changes she won’t be there for. She passed away the day before my Senior prom and the month of my high school graduation on May 1st @ 10:26pm. I still went to my prom but that was a really rough day. It was so hard not having her there for those events when we talked about them for months. I don’t even know how I will be emotionally with other life changes like graduating college, marriage, and kids. I think one of the hardest things to cope with is that she will not be there to help guide me with my children, and have them know their grandmother. I really liked in the article was to recognize your mother at their wedding ceremony. That is a brilliant idea. I already have some ideas when the day comes on how to include my mom into it.
My mother was my best friend, and to have that ripped from me is unbearable for me at most times. I watched her die and before she took her last breathe she looked right at me. That day she wasn’t able to open her eyes when her body started shutting down from the cancer, but the fact that with all her might she gave me that one last look I will never forget it. That day was my version of hell.
I hear that the first year is the roughest, especially around holidays. Christmas was our favorite holiday and one that we were always excited for and planning for the month of October. Getting through that will be so difficult especially since that was our thing we did together. I don’t know how I will do it but I will push through it with the strength my mama gave me throughout my 18 shorts years with her.
Our situation is kinda similar,
My mom died a year and 4 months ago, when I was 17 ,the summer before my senior year started.
I get what you mean about all your close friends still having their mom and you dont. Thats still really hard on me.
The first year was hard because you go through all those “first” without mom. The first birthday, first christmas, first mothers day. We lost our mom way to young. I hate thinking about growing up and not having her by my side. But if you ever need anyone to talk to or anything that understands what your going through, i am here!
My mom passed away 1.29.14 eight months ago. I lost her when i was 22 years old. She was fighting a battle of pancreatic cancer. When the doctor came in and told my family and I that my mom has cancer was the worst day of my life, as so i thought. We burst into tears I look over at my mom and see that she’s not crying i give her a hug and tell her I love her she looks at me and says Kelly im not going any where i will fight. The doctor told us that the cancer would move fast, and that we can do treatment to pro long her life, but we don’t have a cure. My mom was the strongest women i knew. She was a fighter, she did a hard chemo and radiation treatment for a year and took it like a champ. She lived with cancer for four years the doctors around us said she was a fighter she wasn’t giving up. Three years of no treatment just taking her vitamins having blood work done and everything being ok. Until one test came back and said her cancer numbers were getting higher again. We knew it was time for treatment again, but it was too late. The cancer over came her body this time. I watched her take her last breath and as she left the world she squeezed my hand. I know that was her telling me good bye and that she loved me.
She lived with pain for so long and now i sit here with tears pouring down my face because it hurts to miss her. I was this to get easier, but i know it wont. I wish i had the strength that my mom had I wish i was as strong as her. I don’t want to talk to my dad or brother about my pain because i don’t want to make them sad because i already know they are. I don’t want to go to my aunts because i don’t want them to feel bad for me i don’t want sympathy. I just want someone to listen to me someone who knows what im going through, but i don’t know anyone who has lost a mom at a young age. I’m 23 years old and I just want my mom to be proud of me and what im doing in my life. She was not only my mom and the best mom a girl could ask for, but she was my best friend.
I just wish i had someone to talk to.
My mom passed 10-7-2014. I have had the hardest time with this terrible loss. She lived with me for months while he was sick and I’ll still think I hear her or see her at night. The phone will ring and I’ll tell my husband that it probally momma. I’ll think of something and I’ll go to tell her but she’s not here. I don’t want to do anything go anywhere. I completely understand your feelings of emptiness, loss loneliness.
July 31st 2014 7 am We arrived at the hospital. The room was full as All of us were huddled around the hospital bed only leaving enough room for the two nurses to remove all the hardware and wires from my mom. Each of us taking turns holding our mothers hand for the last time. This was truly the saddest day of my life. She was so young.
When it was my turn, I told her she was the best mom I could have ever had. I told her thank you for loving me no matter what (*I know I will never feel that kind of love toward me again). I told her I loved her so much, she would never even know. I told her I would try to live up to her example of a wonderful mother to my young babies as she is to me. I told her it was okay for her to go. I told her I knew Grandma, Grandpa and her sisters were waiting for her and it was okay to go with them. I know she was not ready, but she was tired and her body was tired…
It has only been a few months, but it still feels like yesterday. The sadness is real, and the sadness is deep. I am envious of everyone who still has their mom. Not in a bad way, just a longing way. There was still so much I wish I had discussed, written down and shared with her. I always figured that there would be time. There was not. Mom’s are supposed to live forever!
I cannot discuss Her with anyone (except siblings-they are feeling what I am feeling). I don’t want to because I am unable to do it without tears even at this point. So I stay to myself. People who know, they say “I’m sorry for your loss”. It does not help. I don’t feel better, I am just re-reminded of something I am already aware of. Some even say, “I lost my mom too…”. But I look closer, and they had their mom’s longer. It’s the same, and yet, not the same. I know they are trying to help. But nothing helps. Avoiding talking to them helps me stay in control of myself. That is the only thing I have control over.
I know the upcoming holidays are going to be hard. She loved the holidays. I am not mentally prepared for this. People have shared It will be hard. But you know what they don’t tell you? they don’t tell you that in those moments how you will want to reach for your phone to share something as usual. And the ache that happens when you realize those calls can’t be made anymore as she wont answer. Or when you have worked so hard at something and pulled it off successfully, the phone call that comes to say “I am so proud of you. I knew you could do it. I love you, you are the best thing I have ever done!” doesn’t come. It’s the little things that come up in between the holidays that sneak up and make you miss them so much more than you already are. Missing those opportunities that you took for granted. Mom’s always know what to say. They know when to say it.
So thank you for the opportunity to share my mothers memory. (I can do this as you cannot see the tears running down my face and you can understand what I am saying when it’s typed). She really was the most beautiful, talented, kind, loving, generous, giving, smart, patient, spirited, funny, enjoyable person I know. She could do anything. I have a lot to live up to.
I continue to do the things we both enjoyed. I feel like when I am doing them, she is right there with me like she was when we would do them. I find I am doing more to keep that feeling…I don’t want to loose her. I wasn’t ready to let her go.
Dear Carrie, Kelly and everyone else who is hurting, my heart is with you. I know this is so unbelievably hard. I lost my mom when she passed a few minutes after Christmas, 2012. I am older than you, 50, but the pain is with me everyday. My 13 year old daughters andhusband get me through. Please know that you are not alone and your mom is very much alive and you will see her again. My mom has shown me through two separate UNMISTAKABLE examples that she is alive. It hasn’t made me miss her any less, but it’s given me a sense of peace about the future. Please feel free to email me anytime, Joan
This pain is excruciating! I feel naked, if that makes sense! Yes, Mama was my best friend! Oh, Mama, Mama! I miss you so! Such agony losing my precious Mama! A place i don’t want to be! But alas, i have no choice. For all of you that have lost your Mother, may some kind of angel give us peace!!
Your very first Christmas in Jesus’s arms, Mama! I miss you more than words can say! My life will never be the same again and i just don’t like it! Every time i turn around, i see or hear something that reminds me of you. I am still so broken. I pray daily that God will give me joy knowing that you are made whole again and you are happy and planting your gardens and you are reunited with Daddy and your parents and siblings! I play the voicemails that i’ve kept so that i never forget your sweet, sweet voice. I, as well, pray that my faith be restored that i’ll see you again some sweet day. I love you from the depths of my soul, Mama. Rest in peace, most beautiful one. Time does not heal all wounds but all wounds take time to heal. Please, Mama, come to me in a dream and talk to me and let me know that you’re alright. Xoxoxo
I lost my mother a year ago and I’m finally feeling as if I’m in the grieving process of getting used to the fact that she isn’t here. As I write this now I miss her immensely. Even though I am not getting married the information in the article is so extremely helpful to me
I’m so sorry for your loss. Does the pain ever go away?!?
I lost my precious Mama on October 7th, 2014 and i’m still broken.
I have a dozen of her voicemails on my phone that i play regularly.
I feel sometimes that I just can’t go on.
Thankfully, I’m a born again Christian and so was she, some sweet day i’ll see her again!
If anything at all, that’s what barely keeps me going.
I lost my mother on November 4th 2014 five days before my birthday. Words cannot express the way I feel, I don’t even feel alive half of the time. My mother was not sick and died at her home; I found her. All of my faith disappeared after her loss. I am an only child and she was the sole person that raised me. Life just does not seem relevant without her. I just pray one day my faith will be restored and I can truly believe that we will be together again.
I’m glad I found this. It is a few day
S’s before Christmas and I have been crying behind closed doors so no one will be depressed for me. My mama passed away last year. I am an only child and my husband and I have no children except a 4 year old yellow lab. I think about her all the time and want her say so on everything she was 81 and I am 57 so it doesn’t matter what time of death for me because I feel so lost. I do pick up the phone for a split second and remember she’s not there ……what a heart sinkinging time. during the nite I lay in bed tears rolling down my cheeks I loved shopping and going to lunch with her. Girlfriends are great but not near the same.. I’m glad I found this because sometimes you feel like you are the only daughter in the whole world that has lost a mother thank you for reminding me I am not alone. Melodye
My Mom died 29 years ago today and right after Christmas every year, I begin the grieving process all over again. I remember in 1985, God gave my Mom her last Christmas. She was dying of breast cancer. She was my “Mom” for one day. Then, after that, she went downhill. She was fighting to live the day she died. Usually after about mid-January, this passes and I go on for another year. I miss her at the major events of my life. It just amazes me that after this long, I still feel the stabbing feeling in my heart this time of year…I still cry as if she just passed away. I still yearn for her touch, her smile, her love…and it is 29 years later. I have come to terms with the fact that I will never “get over” the loss of my mother. I am just still learning to “get through” the loss, again and again. This year, I asked the Lord to just help me to get through it…Anyone else feel this way after this long?
I lost my mom 3 days ago Un-expectantly to complications during outpatient surgery. I am 4 months pregnant with her first grandchild. She was so excited about becoming a grandmother. She was a 3 time cancer survivor and it seems so unfair to lose her now and like this. I don’t know how I am going to survive. Please pray for me.
God bless your heart, Lyndsey. I’m so sorry for your loss. My heart goes out to you. I will absolutely lift you and yours up in prayer. May God give you the peace that you need. It is truly the most painful thing i’ve ever experienced.
Hugs from me to you!
I lost my mom on 1/17/15 from liver disease. I also feel like i’m lost, in a daze and hoping I can wake up from this nightmare. I am the only girl out of 5 boys. My mother lived with me and my family, we were her caretakers. Everyday is a challenge, I feel so empty and litteraly have a hole in my heart, my mother was everything to me, my best friend we would take trips to her favorite casino just her and I, we would have special talks and stay there for hours. I don’t know how I will ever get thru this. I wll have to take it day by day I guess. I take some comfort in knowing she is with my father in heaven. Prayers for everyone!
Lyndsey,
I am so sorry for your sudden and unimaginable loss. It doesn’t seem fair for you or her that this should happen this way. My name is also Lyndsay and I lost my mother very unexpected as well although she had met my children. I recently read somewhere that when an adult loses a parent it is as though they have lost the anchor that anchored them to the world and so they feel lost. I found this to be so true and it went on to say that there is no acceptable amount of time for grieving this loss. The magnitude of this loss is something that is impossible to measure. I know that you are in for a very difficult journey ahead but I hope the birth of your child will bring you a renewed sense of joy and purpose. Please know that you are not alone and although there will be so many moments where you don’t understand how life could possibly go on, it will and you will survive. This is a great place to come and let your mind go among people who can truly relate and offer tremendous kindness and support. Again, I am so, so sorry for your loss.
My mom died when I was 9 after a 9-year battle with pulmonary hypertension and HHT non of my friends could help me and I made sure my brothers and dad were getting along before I even thought about myself my brothers were 18 and 16 then. Now I’m 13 and they’re 21 and 19 I’ve have attempted suicide once and cut myself 4 times since she died. I know this website is not a self help advice site but no one I know is on here and I need to voice what I feel…I cry everyday and no matter what I do I can feel my little memories of my mom go away I was a kind naïve shield then but no I am gauged I only trust a few people and most kids don’t like me because they find me mean and I don’t care I stopped caring what people thought of me when I was a 9 year old with depression. My mom will have been gone for 4 years on February 13 2015 and on that day I will cry no matter what I will cry and what fears me most more than the fact that my mom is dead is that my brother will be studying abroad in a foreign country alone on this day and I other brother will be at his school and I at my middle school with my best friends having they’re phones on them so if I cry in the bathroom one tap and they’ll come for me. I hate sympathy and I hate pit and most of all I hate the looks people give to men because the pain is rap and no one but who can understand hwta you went through and will never stop going through.
I lost my mum 24/9/13 just four days after celebrating her 66yr birthday. She died very suddenly at home where my younger sister witnessed it happening. We are such a close family and she was the centre of it. Since that day all our life’s have changed such a great void and the sence of loss is overwhelming. My eldest sister was pregnant with a baby boy my mum was so excited to meet him as we hadn’t had a boy in our family in 23yrs.. He was born just 4 days later..she would look after all our children whilst we were at work so all our kids have been really missing her too. My four year old often look at me and say “why did nanny have to go, is she coming back” it breaks my heart. The worst feeling of all is that I know my life will never be the same again without her.
I also lost my mother, back in September 2014 after care taking her for more than 6 years. She had dementia, which is what I thought would eventually end her life, but as fate would have it, out of left field, she was diagnosed with Leukemia. She was gone the month after diagnosis. I was grateful that she came to live with me when she did, and that we were able to make peace with each other on all levels, and that I was able to make her life easier, but even so, I feel like an orphan since her death. She had lived across the country in California for most of my adult life, so it’s not like we saw each other all the time, but she was my mother and there will always be that connection. It’s a connection that you can really have with nobody else. She was the only person who will accept you unconditionally, no matter what. She will be there for you no matter what, right, wrong or indifferent…she is your mother. And when that person, support system, connection is gone, it’s devastating. I probably would not have understood the concept unless I had experienced it myself, as we all inevitably will someday.
My beloved mom passed away on January 11, 2015. She was my best friend and we did everything together, even teaching preschool. She was 91 and in good health up until a year or so ago. I married in 2009 and my husband is absolutely devoid of compassion, he told me to “grow up” and that I’m acting like a two-year-old and that being so grief-stricken is crazy. My marriage has been abusive but my mom lived with us and there was no way I was going to uproot her and possibly not be able to look after her. Now I am trying to deal with divorce proceedings and legal crap in the midst of the worst pain I’ve ever known. I have supportive family and friends but I’m not sure I’m going to make it, I’m in such pain. I’m on two medications and my husband tried to have me taken in on a psych hold so I would miss my mother’s funeral. He didn’t bother to attend. My dad died in 1993 and I was very distraught then but I had to hold it together to look after my mom. I’m a cancer survivor and have no children and I just don’t see any point in going on. Cancer was nothing compared to this.
I wanted to add, my mother loved Jesus and was a devout Christian, and I know we’ll be reunited some day…but the separation is unbearable.
I found this site because I was searching for answers. About twenty years ago my grand daughter, husband and father died over a period of several years. It was hard but life seemed to go on after I mourned each one. It was like a raging river but I had peace
flowing deep inside because of my faith in God. I am now 71 years old and my sweet
95 year old mother died six months ago. The doctors overdosed her with pain medication in an emergency trip to the hospital. I had my mom for 71 years and I don’t know how to live without her. We became widows just a year apart and she lived with me most of the last years of her life. I try not to be critical of my siblings but I was aware of her problems and would have relieved her pain and not have taken her to the hospital or allowed heavy drugs. They did not call me until it was over. After having a physician review her records and agree with my assessment I have filed complaints against the doctors and the hospital. Just be aware that the elderly can not
handle medications like the young and healthy. It is a crime the way that most of the elderly are treated in the hospital. I cry for my mother several times each day and I don’t talk about it because others do not seem to understand. I appreciate reading about mothers on this site because I was beginning to think I was not normal because my siblings and others seem not to notice that Mom is gone.
I continue with life and activities but life will never be the same without Mom. I just hope that it can be good again. I know I will see her again but I miss her so much. This is the
deepest pain I have ever felt.
Wow, I can’t believe how many others that lost their mother it is so sad and it sucks and it just makes me so angry and so sad. Its 3:53am I cannot sleep, I can’t stop thinking of her. I miss her so much I feel like I am losing myself. I am 22yrs old my mom passed away Feb 7 14 we were in a car accident. I miss her so so much. I don’t know what to do with myself anymore. I am so lost.
Autumn – my heart breaks for you. Your posting caught my eye because I lost my mom when I was 6 weeks pregnant and we have decided to name our baby Autumn. http://megandewitt.blogspot.com/2015/03/whats-in-name-part-2-our-autumn.html
My mom passed away Friday November 7,2014. She was 59&a really really great mom, like the best. I miss her very much.
I lost my mom the morning of Christmas Eve 2014. I miss so much and i think of her everyday, she lived with me, my husband, and our children. I know that Christmas is going to be tough, but with her in my heart and memories of her,and a big plus is going into her room and talking to her that helps with healing. Also, i know that she is with my dad, and her family. I miss her physical being but i know she is with me spiritually…but sometimes i feel lost and empty…and i just cry. I never thought that i would never be without her…sometimes i feel like it’s not real like, she’s not gone and i then pick up my phone and call her. That gives me comfort and maybe there is not a whole lot of people who do that…but to me it helps. I am always going to miss her and she will always be with me…like i whispered to her the morning she passed away…’this isn’t good bye, because would see each other again.
Hello B, I could have almost written your post. My mom passed to Heaven a few minutes after Christmas in 2012. She too lived with me along with my husband and our girls. I still have most of the emotions you do and play her voice on my answering machine when the pain of missing her is intense. But I do believe we will truly see our moms again someday! It sounds like you were a wonderful daughter to your mom.
Joan, thank you for your sweet comment. Yes, i truly do believe that we will see our beautiful mother’s again, along side of our lord Jesus Christ. I find my strength through him, he keeps me going and gives me peace and calmness, and i know that it is he who is telling me that everything will be ok. Just know that he is always with us through the good days and the bad. It’s ok to cry and it’s ok to be sad…but just know that he is lifting you up, and i promise he will not let you fall. I feel my mom’s and our lord’s love everyday.
I can relate to many of the stories I have read. I lost my mom unexpectedly on December 11, 2014, The pain and emptiness that me and my sister feel is overwhelming. We miss her terribly and long to hear her voice. It helps to know that we are not alone. I pray that we will all find peace and acceptance with the loss of our mothers, no matter how recent or long ago it was. Mother’s are who God created to be our earthly angels to lead us and guide us through many of life’s challenges, we become a reflection of them when they pass.. I will forever miss my mother, her words of wisdom, her soft tone, and her loving spirit…
I truly believe that when someone loses their mother a huge part stays with them. I sometimes feel that i do things that she used to do, like i go to the backyard and i walk , just like she used to. I miss my mom so much and i know she knows, i tell her that everyday because even though she is not here…i know she can hear me. I always tell people, i would say this this even before she died…that they need to take care of their mother’s right now that they have them, because you only have them once…..with God’s love and grace, we will heal and the hurt will too get better.
my mom passed 8/2/14 it was the worst day of my life.
i truly believe my life will never be the same.mom was God fearing woman and helped many
who needed help while on earth.
I miss her very much.
Hi this is Betty I lost my mama October 17,2012 from cancer. She was the 1st person in our family to ever have this deadly disease, yet mama didn’t do any of the thing’s a Dr.say’s cause’s cancer. I was and at time’s still angry because I see people in remission yet they’re still doing the same thing that caused them to have cancer. I wonder why my mama didn’t get a second chance, it’s not fair! My mama was alive to see me get married and make her a grandmama, I’m thankful for that.Mama was only 65 when she went to sleep. My son brought something to my attention,he said mom you never say nanny died,well to me she hasn’t, she’s sleeping. My mama, she was more than a mother she was also my b
I lost my dear mother on December 11, 2014. I am having such a hard time losing my beloved mother. I cannot function or do anything.
It will be two months on February 11, but I feel so lost without her. Does it ever get easier? I am so depressed, cry all the time and do not want to go out of the house.
Dear Natalie,
The first several months without my mother, I just felt pointless existing and I did indeed stay in the house and cry and feel all the despair I couldn’t have previously imagined; and never felt like I would find the will to do anything, ever. But let your friends and family in, and give them a chance. Apply yourself in your work or studies. You will be able to slowly regain bits of your self. Although, life can never be fulfilling or happy like it was before December 11th, you may find different kinds of solace. Allow yourself to grieve.
I’m so sorry for your loss. It will never be okay, but it does get easier. It will be two years next week since I lost my mom. I don’t cry daily anymore, but the void is still very real. Every time something really good (or really bad) happens, and I want to pick up the phone….it hits me all over again. Really…the only way to describe it is that you get used to living with the emptiness. That is the best word for it: a void, an emptiness in your life that you can never fill. But you will learn to function again. Your mom would not want you to be crippled. She would want you to move forward. Carry your memories, tell her stories. Sometimes you will cry when you reminisce, but sometimes you will smile too. Best of luck to you!
Losing my mom is still fresh in mind and my heart. I love her and miss her so much and i myself cry and i do it when none of my kids are around but i do in front of my husband. I call her cell and i text her….it makes me feel like she’s still there. I love her and i will always miss her.
It’s ok to cry. It’s ok to feel sad and feel the way you have been feeling the last two months. Yes, there is a big hole in your heart right now. Yes, it is hard to function, or even hold a thought in your head. The fog does lift, the functions pick back up. The hurt goes away and you are filled with love for the memories you have. It doesn’t take away the loss of your mom not being there. There are times you really miss her. They sneak up on you. But then you cry. And then you keep going. Which is what she wants from you. She loves you. Always remember she loves you! There is no time limit for how long this takes. I am 7 months in. I think about her daily, I miss her in the big moments. That space that was the “big black hole” in my heart is starting to fill in with memories as apposed to hurt. It does get better. Just take it day by day.
Natalie,
I am very sorry that your mom passed away. I lost my mom in 2009. My mom was a very young 83-year-old woman. When my mom was in her 70s, she told me that she felt as if she was in her 20s. My mom was a very strong woman. I am reminded of her every day. Sometimes I cry, smile, laugh, and sometimes I feel numb inside. I have been seeing a therapist to talk about my mom, and to talk about how I feel. This has been very beneficial for me. My boyfriend passed away in 2005. We knew each other for 20 years. My Yorkie passed away 3 month ago. I was hospitalized 2 weeks ago for heart concerns. My doctor was quick to point out that I have experienced a lot of loss.
My dad is still alive, and I have three older brothers. I have come to value my family more than I have in my lifetime. I am glad that my mom had a chance to meet my little Yorkie before she passed. My mom would laugh when my little dog was being cute, and finding his favorite spots to lie down in the house. I can still hear her laughing. Nothing has been the same since she passed. She truly was the “glue” that held our family together. She always made holidays very special. She would cook, and clean the house all day, and I never heard her complain. When I went home for holidays, I loved helping my mom with cooking, and household chores. I always looked forward to helping my mom. I loved going out for meals with my mom. People often said that they thought we were sisters.
I have never been married, and I do not have any children. My heart always felt full with love when my mom was here, and I think that I viewed that my love for her filled in the spaces of not having married, and not having children of my own. My little dog was like a child for me (I rescued my dog). I have good days, and bad days, but I am trying to focus on all the wonderful memories I have of my mom. I try to read passages from different books that speak to the love I have for my mom. I try not to speak of my mom using past tense. I do not feel “motherless”. My mom is very much alive in my heart, and my thoughts. I feel as if I have several guardian angles watching over me. I celebrate my mom as much as I can by lighting candles, sending balloons and flowers to heaven, and tossing roses into the ocean. I feel so much better when I celebrate my mom. I purchase a very special Christmas card and mother’s day card for my mom every year.
I joined a grief/support group, and I can tell you that this has been very beneficial. There are men in the group also. I use to think that all men are able to hide their pain when they lose a loved one; I have found that this is not true. I have heard and seen my dad cry after my mom passed. Prior to my mom’s death, I had never seen , or heard my dad cry.
I will pray for you, and I wish you the very best as you deal with different emotions about your mom’s passing. try to get out of the house more each day to lessen the intense feelings of sadness. I volunteer in a hospital with the Red Cross, and this is very helpful. I go out to dinner by myself. When I am out to dinner, I always meet people that want to talk about many things, and this too is very beneficial. I try to take some staycations/vacations when I can. When I travel, I meet many people that share some of the same feelings as I do. My promise to my mom:
I will celebrate all the days of your life, not the moment that you died.
I lost my mom January 6, 2015 in a fatal car accident! 8 days before her birthday on the 14th and only 9 days after my dad died from cancer December 28, 2014! (They were divorced for many years) The funerals were 6 days apart, my mom was only 51, my dad 54. My heart hurts bad. I didn’t have time to grieve for my daddy and my mom left! I break out in tears at a whim, im lost and I have no idea what to do! Just heartbroken
My Mom passed away on July 28, 1991. We lived right next door to each other, and did everything together. I was only 33 yrs. with a husband & 2 children, and had already lost my Dad in 1978, 5 months before my wedding. My Mom was only given less then 10 months to live, as she had Cancer. Having lived right next door to her made it so much easier for my husband & I, to be able to take care of her full time. I am the youngest of 3 older siblings. My husband had lost his job, and was able to be there everyday with me, taking care of my Mom. I have been struggling with the loss of my Mom for almost 24 yrs. I don’t even know how to put my feelings into words. All I can say is I have a very deep loneliness, PAIN….I had never experienced death until my Dad passed, so I don’t know how to get through this never ending pain. I am so lost I don’t know where to turn, who to reach out to for help, how to get answers, etc., I am currently seeing a Therapist to help me through all of this pain that I have pushed down for the last 24 yrs. Some people have suggested that I talk to my Mom, or even right a letter to her, I just can’t seem to put my pain, or feelings into words. When I go to the Cemetery, I turn numb, feeling less, I can’t even shed a tear, or talk to my Mom & Dad. So I hope that their is someone out in this world that can give me some advice. I put it all in God’s hands but I still don’t feel any relief from this pain that I carry with me.
I lost my mom to breast cancer when I was almost 4. I’m almost 23 now and once in a while it hurts a lot. I’m also an only child and have no contact with my father what so ever. Growing up I learned to keep things to myself, because a lot of times when I would talk to people about my mom they would respond by saying I would see her again someday. At first I was so young that I misinterpreted it as meaning that she would actually come back. Then my family explained that I would see her again in heaven some day. I was raised by my very religious grandmother so the idea of seeing her in heaven comforted me until I got to high school and I started to come into womanhood and realize that even if I was to see her in heaven that heaven was a long time away and that I would have to live the rest of my life without knowing what her smile sounded like, or what her touch felt like, etc. That was a very hard time for me. I never shared it with anyone because I thought they would look at me crazy for mourning my mom all those years later when I barely knew her. Today, I wonder why she didnt right me a letter telling me about my father and just telling me anything to comfort me. She knew she was going to die and put a lot of effort into setting things up for me to be taken care of but I just wish she would have left me a long letter giving me some kind of idea of what she was like or who my father was. & even though some of my family try their best to describe what she was like I don’t think they understand how much I want to experience that for myself. So, i just try to hold on to the few memories I have. I feel like my life started off with a tragedy that will always effect me. Everyone says I’m strong, but they don’t know how much it sucks sometimes. Finding articles like this help remind me that I’m not as alone as I feel sometimes.
*laugh sounded
I’m glad I found this website. I’m glad I’m not the only one to feel this way. I lost my mother three weeks ago, I’m 27 and have been living in another country for the past 6 years. I feel incredibly guilty. She had cancer but no one ever thought she would go that fast. We had hope and she was trying to fight it. But her body couldn’t take it anymore and she died due to severe internal bleeding. I got a phone call, I was told she was in a coma and I had to come home. After a 16 hrs flight I was told she had already died and walked right to her funeral. I didn’t only lose my mom, I lost all the family I had. I lost the one person whom I thought would always be there for me. I feel like a little girl, I need somebody to lean on but I have nobody. Sure, friends try to help but I understand how they really don’t know what to do or say to help. I’m scared for my future, I’m heartbroken and I don’t know how to deal with this.
Dearest Beth,
I too lost my mum when I was aged 39..7 weeks before I turned 40 , 4 weeks before my daughter turned 18 and 3 weeks before my mum turned 78yrs on the 5 th of Oct 2014.
She died suddenly 10 days after I had major surgery…… I too for 3.5 yrs didn’t see her or dad much after I had a major accident that caused me to lose the use of my legs.
My mum died after 2 cardiac arrests not one if my sisters or brother called me so I could make it to the hospital. I too was left out of any funeral arrangements . I saw my mum again 6 days after her death whilst I watched my sisters one of whom I don’t speak to lay her in her coffin as per our tradition. My daughter that day took my place and did me proud.
I understand how you feel lost like a little girl – I do too! The feeling still hasn’t gone away nor has the guilt of not seeing her.
I still wake screaming for her.
Mum was my everything.
My dad is lost and wants to die , he is starving himself to death.
I was their 6 th child 11 yrs after they thought they could have no more.
My brother and sisters have literally deserted me.i feel very alone.
Today I have seen my Dr , who has told me there is very little else they can do for me and that I could potentially die of a blood clot at any time.
The first person I wanted to tell was my mum……
My husband tries to help but he doesn’t know what to do.
After today he is just numb.
How do I tell my children 18 yrs and 6 yrs that I too could die just like nanny?
Beth- it doesn’t get any easier but you do learn to cope a little better each day.
I cry for my mum everyday . It is so lonely without your mum.
Please don’t ever feel alone. Each of us on here sadly feels your pain from the moment you lose your mum- we have each lived through it.
It’s still very early days for you .
Please take care of yourself ……..
With much love.
Farah
My mother’s health is deteriorating and I am already beginning to mourn her passing. Her vibrant smile and personality has so diminished it’s as if a part of her has already left. I cannot imagine the grief I will feel when she finally dies. I have know all my life how very blessed I was to have the mother I was given. From childhood I would thank God over and over. Having her until her mid 80’s was such a gift as she was there for every joyful moment of my life. Thank you again Dear God for the gift of my mother +
I lost my mom(12/24/15) and its still difficult for me to get things in order for myself. Losing my mom was devastating, iv’e had her in my life for so long, that she was living with me and my family even after my dad passed away. I still find myself thinking that she is still here but i know that her spirit is still with me, i carry her with me every day and i know to that when she left this world, she took a part of me with her. I never thought that i would lose her, she was a strong willed person, she still did alot for herself, and for others. She was a very giving person, and i know that i got that from her i learned so much from her, that i will never forget. So she passed suddenly but i know that god was there with me and i knew right then and there that god had her in his arms, and when the time was right…he took her home. She might be gone from this life but i still feel her with me all the time, she had always been with me through so much sickness and all. That at times when i don’t feel well, i call for her and i feel her there with me, just as she always has, and still makes everything better. I still have a long rough road ahead of me, with birthdays, holidays etc. But i will always know that she is still in my heart and in spirit….god gives me strength and he will help me to heal.
Dear Beth,
I know exactly how you feel. I’m 27 and I lost my Mom on 12/7/14 to ovarian cancer. It progressed very quickly, she was diagnosed 3 months before my 25th Birthday and passed away a little after a year and a half, she was only 54 years old. In the midst we went to Ireland to watch my brother get married and literally a month after my Mom died his wife left him. My family has suffered tremendous heartache, my Dad is already dating someone new and is gone almost every weekend to spend time with this person. I know what you mean when you say you feel lost, you’re whole world is completely different now, and it’s like you have to now learn to live a life with out. I also was laid off my job 6 months after my Mom passed and decided to end things with my bf, although a part of me just wanted to stay with him because he knew my Mom.
I am finally choosing to go to grief counseling and I do think it is helping me cope. It’s been a little over a year now but I still cry weekly. The winter we’ve been having has not helped life me out of depression either, although writing to you now seems to help. I hope sharing with you that you are not alone brings you comfort because I know it helps me to share, glad I found this website as well.
I won’t say I know how you feel, Cathleen, because of course all this sorrow is unique to the person who feels it. I also lost my mother in young adulthood (I’m 32, she was 64), and her death came on the heels of a lot of other changes – my sister had broken up with her long-term boyfriend a few months earlier, my grandfather (my mother’s father) died just 3 weeks after my mom, I found out I was going to have to move to another country – and the whole package just seemed overwhelming. It still does- she’s only been gone about 3 months.
I’m so sorry to hear about all the heartache you and your family has gone through- it’s so overwhelming to deal with all this piled on top of one another.
I totally sympathize with that feeling of having to learn how to live a new life. I mean, we were both grownups before, but this is a whole new level. It’s like I completely grew up in a moment.
I’m so so glad you’ve decided to go to grief counseling. Crying weekly is nothing unusual – this is a huge loss, suffered far too early. Modern culture dictates that we “get over” something like this – but as you and I both know, it’s not that easy, nor should it be.
I hope you get some peace in between the moments of sadness, my dear. Keep on keeping on, as best you can. I’m rooting for you.
Love your comment about how modern culture dictates we get over it – I don’t subscribe to that idea either! Instead, I keep her close to me!
It’s been almost six months without Mom and the loss I feel in her absence is not any less than it was in the beginning. If anything, there seems to be a greater void now than there was in those first few critical days, weeks and months because it’s been longer since I’ve seen her. Having a previous interest in grief counseling (read some of my work here), I know that there is no right or wrong way to grieve, just as there is no time limit to the grief. I dismiss E.K. Ross’ individualistic idea of working through stages with the goal of “getting over it” or “moving on” with a life separate from the one person who has always been the closest to me. Why on earth would I do that? Instead, I seek anything that helps me feel close to Mom and keeps her a part of my daily life. I talk about her, and I like it when people ask me about her.
More here: http://megandewitt.blogspot.com/
I lost my mum a year ago to cancer we only got 3months after she was diagnosed so didn’t realy got time to try do everything with her as she got to ill but still hard every day it helped a bit reading this thanks
helena
I just turned 32, getting married 6/6/15 and lost my mom unexpectedly 1/17/15. I have never felt a pain as I have and still do. A feeling of being alone though all I have is love around me. My best friend and mom, biggest fan and person I could always count on is longer with my physically and was taken way too soon. Two months later and it stills feels like it was yesterday…
Dearest Andrea,
I lost my mum on the 5th of October 2014 at approx 18.24 very suddenly. I was aged 39 due to be 40yrs in 10 weeks. My daughter whom my mum and dad had helped raise was due to turn 18yrs in 6 weeks. When I received the call I screamed totally unaware it was me. I had, had major surgery 10 days earlier…::::
Yesterday I found out my dad has lung cancer it is terminal. I still cry for my mum most days and nights. Talking to dad helps but soon he will be taken too. You are not alone . I don’t believe the pain will ever leave us. I am the youngest of 6 and the only one whom mum didn’t see turn 40 . The others had their 50th birthdays and more. I feel cheated of all those years. My elders don’t really bother with me . All I have are my husband, daughter 18yrs and son 6 yrs whom I love dearly.
I completely feel and understand your pain. It’s a pain like no other……………
Hi Andrea,
My heart goes out to you. I’m 37 and newly pregnancy. Lost my Mom almost 6 moths ago. One thing that has helped me is trying to keep her close. I even “called” her the other day. Much love to you. http://megandewitt.blogspot.com/2015/03/calls-to-heaven.html
My heart hurts for all of you who have lost your mother. I’m reading your posts and the tears are rolling. I came across this site in my efforts to seek a better understanding on how to help my best friend through her grief. I hope you don’t mind my reaching out. She lost her mom on March 5/15 from complications brought on from brain cancer. To say she’s destroyed is not sufficient. Her personality is to shut down, wanting to be alone with her thoughts, and speak to no one. I’m giving her space. I don’t want to upset her more, but I’m scared for her. I don’t call her because I know she won’t answer, and only text to tell her I love her and I’m thinking of her and to see if she would be up for a visit. The latter only happened twice because I’m trying to understand her need to be alone. I don’t want to push, and I know it’s only been a few weeks, but I almost feel like I’m grieving her. We’ve been attached to the hip since we were 18 and we’re 35 now. We’ve been through loss before, but this is the first parent loss. She’s my family and the sister I never had. It’s hard to put into words how close we are. I loved her mother and still cry for her, but more for the pain her daughter is in, if that makes sense. I can’t really tell her I understand her pain. I just want some guidance on what I should do. Do I leave her alone and wait for her? Do I keep doing what I’m doing, texting and try to suggest getting together? Do I just show up? I feel getting your perspectives since you can relate to her pain would be helpful. Thanks in advance and you will all be in my thoughts.
Vic, I also lost my Mom to brain cancer in October. I’m 37 and pregnant with my 1st child. I’m a school counselor and had to go back to work after 5 days…I also had to try and be healthy for baby. Having said that, I did feel and act like your best friend did for awhile. She will come around, in time. In the meantime, keep reaching out, even if that is only to say I’m here for you or I can’t imagine what you’re going through will help. Its okay to tell her that you don’t know what to say.
http://megandewitt.blogspot.com
I lost my Mom in October, the day after I heard my baby’s heartbeat for the very 1st time. I seek to keep her close everyday, through stories. I never liked the idea of working through stages and “moving on” with a life separate from someone so dear to me. http://megandewitt.blogspot.com/2015/03/calls-to-heaven.html
I’m not going to lie… I have been drinking a bit which definitely affects my emotional stability especially when thinking of my mother.
My mom passed away when I was thirteen after battling ovarian cancer for over five years. I am twenty two years old now. Even to this day I can still remember oh too clearly her last couple days of life and how badly it affected me.
On a spiritual note things have worsened much worse for me as well. I don’t know if many of you are spiritual or religious at all, I personally am much more agnostic than anything, though I had an experience that changed my life forever.
It hurts even just to think about but when I was seventeen years old I had this experience.. a “dream” of sorts where my mother came to visit me… I have had plenty of dreams with her in them but this felt different… it was a simple dream though.. empty room with a plane piano inside it (not very significant as I hadn’t learned much of an artistry while she was alive) in this dream she taught me to play a song on piano and in the end opened one door and looked back at me telling me I would be okay and a white light appeared at the door and she was gone.
I have heard many relatives talk of other worldly experiences they have had pertaining my mother and every time I hear of them I can’t help but feel jealous as I only had that one experience.
I even have moments of almost a feeling of hatred towards my mother because of my lack of “feeling her presence”.
I guess the reason I am commenting about this is my wonderings of if I am alone in this feeling? If anyone may have any inclination as to why I am feeling this way??
Not entirely sure why I am commenting about all this I guess I just wanted to put my true feelings about being a motherless daughter into the world…
Hi Shauna,
I’m very sorry for your loss:( I read your post and I related on a few levels, first I started smoking joints to numb the pain and quiet the thoughts in my mind but I could only do that for so long before realizing I was just running from the sadness I felt throughout my whole body. Suppressing feelings because they are too painful is not the answer;)
Now that I’m sober and clear headed I’m in more pain but I’m being true to the process, not running, I’m feeling and it’s harder but it’s being real about a very real situation.
The other thing is I went through a moment of being angry with my mom because she left me alone but then I thought about her when she was alive and I could never be mad at her and so I told myself how could I be mad at her now so I surrendered my anger.
It’s messed up because like raising a child (which I do not have) but I imagine like raising a child there is no handbook to get you through the same for losing your mom, there’s no book or solution it’s just a dark, hard place that the living have to find a way back from and that’s our work.
We have something in common, we are motherless daughters walking through the world but our badge of honor should be I am the daughter of my mother and my life now represents who she was and who I am because of her and that’s a beautiful thing;)
Stay strong girl and move at your own pace and be gentle with yourself.
Sending light….
God bless you X
I lost my Mom, age 86, on March 19, 2015. She died of cancer. I feel like my heart has been ripped out. I cry every day. The rest of the world wants to move on too fast for me. I don’t want her memory to fade. I feel like I lost my guiding star.
Jean…I too lost my mom, at age 84.. We were all with her when she passed. I have sleepless nights, urges to call her, my best friend…I feel like a tornado came and took her…its almost to hard to bear. But i am, I have good days and bad….I feel blessed to have had so many years with her. we did so much together….she was funny, full of grace, accepting. Through all her health issues she never complained. I and my sisters were her caregivers. Her memory will not fade from you…I cry lots too….its all a process we have to allow ourselves to go through…best of luck to you Jean….Peace will find you and I again someday
im sorry for your loss.. my mom left us too due to that deadly sickness.. she was 67 then.. I feel the same way.. everyone in the family is lost..
I wish i had read more about losing my mum when she died 3&half years ago. Reading this article is similar to me as I feel pregnant the night my mum was put to rest. The one& only time in months and as bad as I feel I can only excuse myself by saying “We were downing our sorrows”!Everyday I look at my son I feel close to mum believing he was a gift. If I wasn’t pregnant I very well may have fallen off the rails. I’m the youngest of 3 girls and GOD just so so close to mum!I still believe I’m grieving I drink to much and take pharmaceutical drugs to get me through the day. It’s terrible but it works andi don’t know how to stop it. Nobody knows except my best friend. I’m fairly organized am a bit of a home maker like my mum was.And healthy otherwise.I dote on my children love my husband who since mum died has made some amazing changes in himself. He is a fantastic dad! After mum died it bought alot of things to head. My baby also required open heart surgery at 5 myths. I don’t know anyone that has had as much bad luck as I have ever. Life is better but could be better again.I don’t know if I ever grieved properly when mum died.My heart still aches for her I miss her and love so much. It’s not fair that we have to endure this type of pain in life. This is by far been the hardest thing I have ever had to cope with! I have two healthy boys 3 yrs and one turning 6 in June. My second son was a twin. His brother or sister passed around 9 weeks into my pregnancy. I just say mum gave me two just to make sure one would take! I often think about that other little heart beat that didn’t make it. Sometimes I wish i would fall pregnant to get healthy and give the other little sole a chance to come through!?I’m 37 yrs my husband 50. We have just had our 10 yr wedding anniversary and he is a really fantastic husband. I have my own hair salon at home and specialize in hair and makeup for weddings. So I am often always chasing my tail but am so in love with my boys! And am so grateful. I’m looking forward to your response as only my best friend and you know the truth.!I also have know slowed right down on drinking have weeks where I don’t drink only of the last few weeks have started walking early in the morning. I had to do something to stop this terrible pattern! Maybe I am becoming someone that I used to be before my beautiful mum died. !?
Dear Jaqueline’
I know what your are going through as i’ve lost my precious Mama this past Oct. You are right about it being the most painful experience. I was planning an 80th birthday party for her. She would have turned 80 this Sunday which is also Easter (Resurrection Day). I’m heart broken that i didn’t get to have that party for her. A friend of mine suggested that i buy a cupcake,
put 1 candle in it and sing Happy Birthday to her knowing that this is her first birthday in Heaven and what a party that will be. I am going to do that. I miss her so very, very much!! I
know that it’s a pain that i’ll carry until i meet her in my Heavenly home.
I am so sorry for what you are going through. It’s excruciating to say the least!
Please dear Jaquelin, give up the pills and drinking! Taking pills and drinking on top of them could cause your body a great deal of harm. Your family needs you. Believe me, i know how that can
ease your pain. You are so young. As you go along, it’s going to take more pills and drink to achieve the numbness and that will cause you to get ill and make it even harder to get
off that stuff. Please find professional help to get you off these drugs.
so glad that you are slowing down with your drinking.
Somehow, we will get through this pain!
Take care of yourself and God bless!
Thank-You for replying, I’m so sorry to hear about your mum! It is definitely comforting to know we will one day be with them again!”ON THE OTHER SIDE”.Thankyou for your advice. I know the time has come where I need to be healthy again. I now havn’t had a drink for over a week. When it reaches 4 pm I go for a walk and that gets me over that time of the day where i would have a wine. And am weaning my self slowly off the antidepressants I’m on. I’m feeling so much more positive and have a new lease on life! I want to be here for my children for a long as possible as I know how important I am in there life! Reading how other people feel is making feel very comforted. I wish I had done it when mum first passed! Good bless you! X
Juju,
I hope your heart has healed a bit since this post, now that it’s been awhile. I have begun a Facebook page, called “Daughters of Hope” that I would love it if you would join in. I’m writing a book to give hope to those whose mothers have passed away, who have The Lord in their lives. I’m so sorry about your mom. I thought you gave wonderful advice to Jacqueline. If you want to help me give hope to others, that would be wonderful. Please go to the FB site, and you’ll see my name there and I would love to hear any comment you might want to make.
Since Lisa, who wrote this blog passed away, people still write comments on here, so that reinforces the idea in me, that women are still longing for help and hope!
My mom died when I was only seven years old, and she was only 47. That was 47 years ago, and I want to get the book out to help others. If you want to help me or be interviewed for my book, please let me know by getting on the fb site or emailing me. Thank you. God bless you too!
Myrna
it was a bit helpful for me reading this.. my mom left us last feb 23, 2015 after battling ovarian cancer for almost 2 years and 2 mos.. and until now, we are really longing for her.. her loss was a total sadness.. I really miss her.. I have so many “what ifs” in mind.. everyone of us especially my dad are just trying to be ok but we are not.. im always wondering what my mom wanted to tell us when she was in the ICU.. I came into a point that I even questioned Him of why this needs to happen and why my mommy… I know that it’s wrong but no one can blame me.. we had the best mom.. we are just starting to pay off their hard work and sacrifices for us until she was diagnosed by this deadly sickness.. Whenever I visit her tomb, I cant help but cry, question Him and think about the random “what ifs”… Though, I always pray that He will make me understand why this thing needs to happen, that my heart be enlightened and that my mother is happy and always smiling over us.. I miss my mommy… I just miss her so much and I wonder if I will be able to feel true happiness without her..
Hello All,
My name is Chelsea, I lost my mom suddenly and unexpectedly sept 21st of 2014, I am 21 years old.. an only child, a nursing student, Full time job, and live alone, support myself etc.
I got the phone call from one of her friends..which started out as a text “Chelsea, please call me immediately”..which turned into 85932 stories about 1. what happened to my mother, 2. where she was, 3. no one could tell me straight up they KNEW she was gone at that point , and 4. out of the entire HCSD not one deputy took it upon themselves to contact me, being the only next of kin or ANY member of my family to inform of us. Instead I had to drive at the speed of light 45 miles north to Apollo beach to find streets full of investigators, cars and cars and cars full of her closest friends , and moments after I arrived before even being officially told…. the medical examiner pulled up. No one knew what had happened, my mom appeared to have passed away in her sleep, and a family friend found her. it was determined after years of living as if she were 20 and not taking care of her body she had heart failure, along with multiple other respiratory and cardiac illnesses. Which no one knew was as far along as it was, because she never continued to see a dr. its been almost 7 months..
I have such highs and lows its ridiculous. I don’t know how people simply “move on” I went from talking to her every day, multiple times a day, calling her after classes, or when I learned something, or when I had a bad day at work, when I had an issue with another family member to.. nothing.. and the expression in the blink of an eye has never been so true.
We still don’t understand.. I don’t think we ever will. That’s my mom? MY mom , my go to person , my partner in crime, my older twin as people have said.
I graduate nursing school in December and it feels almost painful and upsetting to think of when it should be exciting and wonderful. She was going to be the one to “pin” me.. she was going to be the one I call when I get pregnant , the one who helps me fix my dress on my wedding.. and she was taken. just .. like .. that.
I feel as though I have made myself ignore the grieving process just to get through the day, school , work , home life. etc. lately .. its catching up , mornings are harder to function , nights are harder and harder to fall asleep , I feel defensive at the thought of people who seem to claim my mom as theirs? Or when people contact me day after day to grieve to me , and express their sadness of the loss of my mom , its painful for me and my family so its hard for me to feel as though I’m holding myself up and barely a float along with all her family and friends.
I have her parents, and my two aunts, my father, and step mother.. along with a few great friends and boyfriend who are beyond supportive.. but like many others have said. Some just don’t understand.. every ounce of pain is different in every way for every person.
I’m finding its given me more strength than I ever knew possible, to be the only one of our family to be there and watch her body be removed due to the ignorance of the Hillsborough county sherf dept and lack of notice , to plan her funeral , and to write her obituary , clean her home, go through her things.. all of it.
I lost my mom in March 2014! I`m 34, and the pain is killing me, even after one year. In fact I feel like is growing, and I am finding my self with tears in my eyes right in the second I think about her! I honestly have no idea. about what should I do :(((. I am sorry for writing here, it was just that I could not help it!
Hi Daniel, I’m so sorry for your loss and for your pain, I can feel it through your words and my heart goes out to you. Even going through it myself I don’t know what to say to comfort you because the truth is there is no comfort at a time like this. I believe it comes down to the will to want to be ok again, that’s what I think and also knowing that our moms would not want us to be in so much pain and so sad for too long. If your mom was anything like my mama she would want you to take the time you need whether a month or a year to grieve but be gentle with yourself and live the way she would want you too because now you have twice the life to live for so make her proud as I’m sure you did as her son.
Sending you lots of light a tight hug, prayers and blessings,
Nicole:)
My beloved mother Margaret just passed on Easter Sunday April 5, 2015 R.I.P mama.
My mother was such a phenomenal woman, she helped raise 57 children and adopted me, she was the most selfless person I will ever know. She was 84 when she died in hospital from health complications from an infection, her organs began to fail and her flesh just couldn’t fight it. I was the last person to speak with her in a conscience state of mind before they put her in an induced coma to relieve some of her suffering and pain. In those final moments standing there with her by her bedside holding her hand and stoking her hair she looked at me and said “I’m giving you all of my strength and now you have to be strong.” I knew then what she was preparing me for and it took everything I had to not break down, I didn’t want her final moments with me to see me crying so I stayed strong and just told her over and over how much I loved her, as hard as it was I’m so thankful for that moment with her.
My mother was the glue and the common thread that kept my family together, I’m not close with my father and my other siblings that I am close to live far away so I feel so alone and broken. I’m blessed to have a wonderful support system of friends who love me but I don’t want to burden them with my grieve, I’ve never been good at asking for help and so it leaves me feeling more isolated.
Before my mom died my own life was on shaky ground, struggling to be an actor but my mom was my champion, my biggest fan and my source of strength to keep going for it, I felt like we were both struggling for our life and since her passing I’ve lost all momentum, drive, focus and sense of self. It’s the scariest thing in the world to open my eyes in the morning and have no direction. I’m lost and I’m writing because I’m praying that taking baby steps forward will help me to get through and one day be ok again. I miss my mom with every breath but I’m happy for her that she is not suffering anymore because that was so hard to watch her go through. Everyone tells me now I have a powerful angel working in my corner and I know they are right but I don’t think I’ve accepted that yet. I’m working on developing that new relationship with my angel mama and I pray everyday to be still enough to let her in so she can guide me and love me from another space but it’s a process.
The only thing I know for sure is that I have her strength because she raised me to be strong and give me the greatest gift of all, her own strength.
I pray for all those who have gone through this devastating loss and I thank you for letting me share my story because as every life matters so does every story there after.
Amen and God bless.
I will love you forever mama XOXO……
I came across this site at midnight last night and have returned now in the quiet, early hours of the morning as I feel I’ve reached a community of people who know the truth about grief. Every post here has resonated with me and I have ached for every motherless daughter from childhood to middle age. A lesson learned for me – it doesn’t feel less devastating the older you are – you are still, forever, a little girl who has lost her mum. Last September I watched my beautiful, vibrant and still young (at 73 years of age) mother begin to fade and become, we would later realise, terminally ill. Every fresh hope was dashed, every tiny bit of ‘good news’ we clung to became a false positive as the inevitable downward slide began. A bout of cystitis the previous February and some vague tummy pains that had baffled any number of medical people eventually revealed themselves as symptoms of ovarian cancer. How could we/they have missed it? we wondered. The bravest, most stoical person I have ever known (having survived a massive aneurysm and brain surgery 10 years previously) she continued to protect us and took herself off to hospice where she lasted a week before her slipping away on February 6th this year. She held on long enough to spend Boxing Day with my 8 year old son and then to hold her twin grandchildren brought across from Australia to meet her for the first and only time. We are too sad even to feel cheated. My brave Dad battled with his early stage dementia to care for her in her final months and continues to try and cope on his own now. The pain now is way worse than the first few weeks and the loneliness is crushing – which is why so many have posted here. All I can do is try and be as brave as she was and wish everyone who has posted or reads this peace and love. Each and every one of you is an amazing and inspirational person.
My mom died 40 years ago in 1975..I was 3 and the only memory I have is the night she died.. although I do not see her in this memory its the only memoryi have…I miss her so much..I have never dealt with this and don’t know how…I would do anything to be with her agsin… my life changed so drastically. .I was a very sad child and an addict as an adult.. im clean ans sober now… why can’t I let this go
As I sit here today reading these stories I think I have finally found what I have been looking for. I lost my mom on January 27, 2013. It came as a great shock to all of us. She was taken by ambulance to the hospital on January 26, at 2:30pm and past on the 27th at 2:30p.m. At the time my mother and I had no been on the greatest of speaking terms and she was staying with a friend. As all mother and daughters go through these moments, this one was one of the longest. Earlier that week she went to the med clinic because she was having abdominal crapping and trouble holding her bowels. My friend notified me immediately and I went to sit by her side and we were laughing and carrying on joking as usual. When she was released that evening I decided it was time to stop being an ass and take her to breakfast that coming Sunday. That all changed when I got the call on Saturday she was being taking to the hospital for problems with her breathing. (You see my mom was a two time lung cancer survivor (surgery on both lungs to remove the cancer) she survived a heart attack, hip replacement, battle depression, fibromyalgia, rheumatoid arthritis and a slew of other diagnoses). At first we waited and waited because it seemed the doctors couldn’t find the problem, but as I the evening went on I realized it was something very serious. They doctors had begged my mom to rescind her DNR for a short while so they could take care of her and help make her well. That was a good sign of relief until we went to ICU and I had to wait to see her. When the doctor finally came out to speak with me I had a tough decision to make do I continue to watch my mom die slowly or do uphold her wishes and tell him about the DNR? I knew in my heart I wanted to be selfish and not say a word, but my conscious and my promise wouldn’t let me. Once I let the doctor know about the DNR he told me I had only a short amount of time to notify family and friends. Seeing as my eldest sister lives in Canada I had to get a hold of her to let her know what was going on. After finally getting a hold of the family and friends the nurses began taking her off off all tubes and ventilators. This was the hardest moment in my life. I finally had to whisper in her ear it was ok, we would all be ok and take care of one another and not to worry I especially would be ok. What happened next was unbelievable. The sun came through the clouds and shined on her face and I said “Mark is here for you, it’s time to go”. Within minutes she was gone. (Mark was one of our favorite cousins who passed away from cancer years ago). At that moment I knew my life would never be the same, but I didn’t know it was going to be this hard. I just wanted to share because I know how hard it is to lose you mom and not know where to go from here.
[…] PDF File Name: When daughters grieve the death of their mothers | lisa Source: lisabadams.com » DOWNLOAD « […]
My best friend past away about 6 yrs ago. I have always kept in touch with the family. He came to me and said he is ready to start getting out more. I said ok there is a walk for cancer would you like to go. He said yes and asked if his daughter could come . I said sure we’ll when the day went to the restroom he learned in and kiss me . We later took her to a friends house and went back to the walk . But continued to talk to see where this was going to lead. Well it has lead to almost 4 years now and have all moved in together. The daughter is not accepting this at all. ( and she will be 21 in june) We don’t show affection in front of them Cuz he don’t want to hurt there feelings. i am now to the point I don’t want to do anything that involves her. And I think the feeling is neutral. I’m to the point I’m ready to walk out the door. I love him with all my heart and don’t want to leave him but I can’t continue to live like this . He will not say anything to her Cuz she uses but I have lost my mother .
I’m sorry that you are going through that. I’m 26 now and lost my mom 5 years ago. Both my brother and sister just got married. It was so difficult to go through, we were all thinking the same thing, wishing our mother could be there. I am also struggling to come to terms with the fact and I feel like my boyfriend doesn’t understand me and what I am going through. I feel like I am the soul sucker. Try to be so happy, but never get to talk about what is so real and in my heart I worry that it will never change? I do think he tries his best. Guess sometimes it just feels completely alone
Thank you for be brave enough to ask a question most of us want to know, but never ask. I thought I was the only one who thought about this scenario.
I just lost my mom May 1st 2015 the weekend before Mothers day she just dropped dead. We were very close and i just had a baby Feb 16th she took care of my 4 year old and my newborn and she was a major support system in my life. I am devastated and am having a lot of problems with Anxiety and just in a lot of emotional pain. We have a lot of upcoming plans that i’m painfully having to do alone or cancel or make other arrangments. Having two small children at home I want to keep life as stable as possible for them but i’m having hard time as i feel like i’m being forced to move on as life and everything keeps moving forward all around me.
I can’t say I fully understand how you feel as we are all different. However, I can say I am experiencing something similar. It feels like there is no time to grieve and the to-do list keeps piling up on your chest, making it harder and harder to breathe by the second. My condolences to you. Remember to take care of yourself and be strong, for your mom.
I had lost my mother September 6, 2014. I just recently managed to make it through another semester without her, but my 25th birthday coming up is going to be bittersweet. Even when I found out the news that my mother had passed away from my aunt I kept myself composed even though my voice was quivering. I swore up and down that I had accepted that my mother was gone but I was lying to myself. I had kept almost a straight face at the funeral because I thought that I had to be strong for my older brother. My mom had a lot of hardship in her life, and I was happy that I got to know more about her but I can’t help but feel as if there’s a hole in my heart. My aunt said that there were multiple strokes to her brain, and that the EMTs were able to bring her back to life, but she was put on life support, and my aunt and uncle were trying to get a hold of my brother and me. They couldn’t get a hold of us and decided to pull the plug off her life support which is something I’m not mad about because I couldn’t handle the pressure of the decision. I always asked myself “Why now? Why not later?” and then I thought because there’s always going to be “the first christmas” or “the first mother’s day” without her. I knew my mom was struggling and battling her own demons, and now she can rest but now that my birthday is coming up I can’t help but feel bittersweet about it, and knowing all the things she’s going to not be here for. I wanted her to be there when I graduated college because she’s the reason I’m in school. I haven’t really properly mourned my mother’s loss, and I don’t know if this is something that I can eventually get through. I have good support, but sometimes it’s just too much. Even though I’m 24, I feel as if I’m a little girl who has lost her mother.
I lost my mom two months ago. It feels lonely.
Dear Sophie- I know… I lost my mum very suddenly 7 months ago .
It doesn’t get any easier or any less painful. I still cry everyday for my mum.
I was 39 yrs old and she passed away just 10 days after I’d had major surgery .
I miss her so much .
I Lost my mum 2 and a half years ago from cancer. I’m just finding things so hard at the moment. I was 16 when my mum passed and since the day she went i have just been finding things hard physically and mentally. i miss her so much xx
Dearest Shannon,
I’m so sorry.
I was 39 yrs when mum suddenly died of a cardiac arrest.
I know how you feel. 16 must have been incredibly difficult. I have a 17 yr old foster daughter whose mum died of substance misuse she was just 11 yrs old but when she talks about it she tells me because she was in care with me she just replaced me fir her mum do it didn’t feel so bad. That was 6 years ago.
My mum died on the 25 th of Oct 2014 at approx 17.30.
My sister was with her but she didn’t once call me to tell me mum was dying do I could say goodbye . I was 10 days out of a major operation my stitches were still in. But I could have got in a car while my husband drove me to her.
That I find unforgivable .
It’s strange a mother teaches you everything , talk, walk, eat, sleep , boyfriends , first kiss etc but…. She doesn’t teach you how to live without her!
Shannon love …. Our lives will never been the same the big void we feel will never again fill up it will always remain empty making us feel as though we cannot do anything or that it’s not worth doing or what’s the point?
We need to learn to live with it , we can never ever get over it or forget our mums good or bad we just need to teach ourselves to work with it hour by hour, day by day, month by month and year by year…
If you ever want to converse my email address
farahblack@btinternet.com im in the U.K but I will always reply if you want to talk.
After all this entire forum us about us all helping each other .
Wishing you well.
Regards
Farah
My dad passed away in 7 January 2007 and I just lost my mum on 1st May 2015, thank you everyone for sharing your experiences, I’m healing as I read, and to know I’m not alone, I have 10 year old and husband to be taken care of ( he still has both parents and doesn’t really understand me or I’m wrong I don’t know)and my office work, had to return back to work so soon, now I keep struggling with life going on normally and being expected to be strong and normal, yet my heart aches to grieve, I’m grateful for all your sharing, I actually feel I have family here….thank you!!
I lost my mom on 12/31/14. I’m only 17 and even though I didn’t see her or talk to her in 5 years it still hurts. But for me it changed me. She was in a car accident from a drunk driver and was pretty much in a coma. She lost a lot of her brain tissue or cells. so even of she woke up she wouldn’t be the same. My older brother took it realy hard and the same for me. theres a lot of grief and she actually donated her organs to 14 people. we decided to cremate her but we haven’t had the ceremony for her yet.
Today is an odd day for me to come across this page – I was, in fact, searching for something wholly unrelated. But about four hours ago, my fiance and I were talking about my mum. We’re getting married in February and something in the process has really brought up a lot of the old wounds, not just related with my mom’s death when I was 11 (I am now 28), but also with other deaths in my family. I think today, for the first time, I said in a way that was not “fake funny” (like “we’re raising an army of the dead in my family, hahaha”, kind of stupid jokes to lessen the pain int he statement), expressed that I have, in fact, lost 8 of the people in my close family circle – my mom and dad’s parents, brothers and sisters, nephews and nieces. We thought of having a space to honour those who cannot be there at the wedding, and so reading it here was also a nice affirmation. Maybe a candle for each and my mom’s candle can sit with me. There is something deeply un-rooting about this experience, as much as there is a planting of roots; something infinitely painful, along with the joyful. I’m in a space of confusion and at the same time, so grateful for this post here. I think … somewhere that’s the shift for all children – to shift towards being their own parents. But it is a whole other level of painful when its layered with loss. Just wanting to add my words here, to the words of others who have felt this too.
I stumbled across these posts when searching online for ways to cope with losing your mum. I lost mum 41 days ago and instead of it getting easier I find it is just as devastating now if not moreso. I lost dad when I was 12 and since then it was just mum as my everything. She was 93, and we celebrated her birthday in hospital on the 4th April, and although she was ill with a non life threatening illness the past two months, the suddenness was devastating. She was our strength, she never gave up. She was tired and felt blessed for the life and loving children she had, but we were never really ready to ever let her go, even though in our heart of hearts we know she is now resting and at peace. We were there with her, (my biggest fear was that we would not be there when she took her last breaths, but even in her final moments, as always she waited, she never left us wanting. she was there for us even then. Nothing eases the heartache, i cry all the time, i cant pick up the phone to talk to her, or have her just hold my hand which throughout all my life gave me comfort and that all would be ok. Reading all these posts in the very least, lets me know I am not alone in my feelings but there are no answers on how to cope. Others who havent lost their mothers or both parents cant understand. Will always need our mothers. I’m planning to get hold of a book called midlife orphan, I’m 56 and the excerpts from the book, again won’t find the answers, but hope to find some comfort that I am not alone in my feelings of loss, devastation, and surprisingly do now feel like an orphan, and that there are others out there who do understand. Nothing can ever replace my mum and that frightens me. I love the quote “all that I am and ever hope to be I owe to my angel mother”. With that in mind I hope I have/find the love, strength, courage , compassion and faith to be be half the woman and mother she was to us.
Heartfelt thoughts to all who will always in some form or another grieve for the loss of their dear mums. Hugs.
I stumbled upon this too only because my husbands mother is very sick and I am trying to prepare ahead of time. My own mother is very healthy and I am so grateful to still have her in my life. One thing I did take away from these posts is I agree with all of you talking about how our mothers teach us to be stong, they teach us about family, the world, how to love. and then I realized, that our mothers had to say good bye to theirs too. And after they did, they probably grieved terribly, but still managed to be that rock. My own mother said good bye to hers is 1986 and now she is a super grandma to 6 grand kids. So our mothers are passing on this torch. Yes my mom grieved her mother but she also became our families matriarch. I think of how strong my mom has been and it inspires me. I lost my Dad 2 years ago. and that one was hard because we did not have a relationship. so mostly I cried at the loss of never really having a father, even when he was here.
I lost my mom Tuesday, June 9 2015. She had just turned 60 in March. I’m 19 years old and just finished my first year of college. I feel so alone and cry hysterically every day. I have a brave face for friends and family and they all tell me I’m handling everything very well. But the truth is I’m not. I just can’t express my feelings to anyone. I want to be strong for my mom but I also don’t want everyone to think I’m ok either. My parents divorced when I was young and I didn’t hear from my dad for years. He only recently came back into my life a couple of years ago but we never had the same relationship I had with my mom. I don’t know what to do honestly. Everything seems so hopeless without her.
Dear Margaret,
I can empathize with your situation where everyone thinks you are handling it well, you don’t want to make trouble for others or seem broken at the same time you need others to understand that that you are not fine at all. But it is mostly one or the other. 🙁 sadly enough no one will see the pain unless you show it and you will mostly not show the pain to someone unless then are capable of perceiving it without you having to explain it. Ultimately it is a lonely path that you are embarking on and it is very likely that you will remain there for a long long time.
The loss of my mother, at once devastated me and made me who I am now. I owe everything to her and cannot fathom how the time has passed without her. There is not a single moment in the day when I don’t feel abandoned by her and enveloped by her absence. My triumphs do not hold much meaning, and my failures are doubly hard to handle without her.
You have to understand that you will only have those people in your life who you allow to come/stay/come back. And being close to her friends / siblings is as soothing as it is sometimes suffocating.
I would suggest that you try to build a better relationship with your father than you have now, because you need a parent to turn to and he is around now. Doesn’t matter how distant you have been till now, you have a chance to control the future.
Without our mothers, we are an entirely new person, and living a whole different life and its only meaning and validity is attached to us alone. They knew us better than we did ourselves and that is all over now. we have to make do with what we have and live on, because there is no other way.
Hope you find the strength. (Big hug)
Dear Margaret,
The 30th July this year will mark 6 years since I lost my Mum to cancer. She was only 53 when she died and I was 26.
I can remember feeling exactly the same as you are now. I was very good at putting on a brave face for everyone but behind closed doors I was a mess. I cried myself to sleep for months after she passed away. Every time I drove past the hospital where she died I would burst into tears.
My friends and family were great but after a few weeks their lives went back to normal while I still felt like my whole world had crumbled. I didn’t want to keep burdening them with my problems and feelings and I started to wonder why I couldn’t ‘move on’ too.
As the months went on it got a bit easier, but I was also very good at burying my feelings and just getting on with life. About a year and a half after I lost my Mum I started bursting into tears for no apparent reason. I started thinking about her a lot more and the hurting started all over again. In the end I went to the Doctor as I just wasn’t functioning properly. I said to him – it’s been a year and a half, why am I feeling like this now. It felt like I was grieving all over again. He made me realise that grief has no timetable. Everyone grieves differently and there is no right or wrong way. He also told me something which I hope will help you too. Here I was worrying that my friends and family didn’t want to hear my problems – especially when I felt like they would think I should be ‘over it’ by now. He reminded me that friends and family WANT to be there for you no matter what. They won’t judge you, they just want to look after you. Talking it out really was the thing that got me through it.
I really encourage you to talk to someone you can trust – someone you can cry with too. Sometimes tears really are the best release. People who haven’t lost their Mum won’t understand what you’re going through – I wouldn’t have – but they can listen. Sometimes it’s not even advise you need, it’s just the release of talking to someone about how you’re feeling.
If you don’t feel you can talk to friends or family I really encourage you to talk to someone else, a counsellor or someone at your college maybe. There are so many people out there that will want to help you.
The old cliché of time being a great healer is true – to a point. There will come a time when you don’t cry everyday for your Mum. You’ll get up and go to school or work, you’ll go out and have fun with your friends. But your Mum will always be in your thoughts every single day and that’s a good thing. And there will still be times when you do have a cry because you wish she was here. I found a video a couple of weeks ago where my Mum can be heard in the background talking. I had forgotten what my Mum’s voice sounded like and when I heard this video for the first time, almost 6 years after I’d last heard her voice, I sat and sobbed for half an hour. That video is now one of the most precious things to me even though it still makes me cry to hear it.
Please try and talk to someone, even if it’s just one person. My parents also divorced when I was young and while my Dad was always around we were never that close. He become a much better Dad after my Mum passed away so I hope your Dad can step up too and be a support for you.
Stay strong and be kind to yourself.
Best Wishes
Emily
My beautiful Mum died on Tuesday. I miss her so much. I am heartbroken that she won’t see my four young children (the eldest is 8 years old) grow up. I am so lucky that I have a wonderful, supportive family and friends but I can’t imagine life without her. Her funeral was yesterday. I want her back so badly, to give her a hug and tell her again that I love her. I am so sad and feel that I will never breathe normally again.
I have a dear sweet sixth grade student whose mother died the evening of her last day of school (June 12, 2015) She is 11 years old, but wise beyond her years. Her mom was diagnosed with breast cancer when she (my student) was six years old. Ultimately, it was her liver that failed her due to the aggressive nature of the cancer. Although it was a long battle with cancer, many years/days of suffering, my heart grieves for this sweet girl’s loss. I have read several comments to this post hoping to better understand what she may be experiencing in order to help her and be there for her. She is an all A student, very thoughtful, and truly unique in that she is not afraid to be herself even in the midst of peer pressure. Her mom (and dad) have truly raised a beautiful soul! What is eating away at me, is she is one to mask her emotions. When I ask how she is doing, her reply is always, “Good”. She is an only child, but has great support from family and friends. I have three elementary age children- I cannot even begin to imagine the depth and magnitude of her loss. Her mom passed shortly after she had arrived back home from spending an evening out with friends. She was present when her mom took her final breath. Any advice on how I can mentor, encourage, speak to her would be appreciated.
Hi Jennifer. First of all, thank you for being involved in wanting to help this precious girl.
I hope that she is getting grief counseling. That is very important. Maybe there is a support group for children who are grieving.
I believe that you showing her that you care is going to be healing in and of itself. That extra touch i.e. brushing her hair out of her face, getting at eye level with her at times and letting her know that she isn’t a lone. Someone needs to tell her that what she is feeling is normal. Truly, Jennifer, you being there for her is going to be so helpful. I am tearing up right now just knowing that you are taking the time to help her. She will never forget you. What an impact and what a blessing!
But, she definitely needs a support group to share with other kids who may be going through this. My heart just breaks for this precious child.
God bless you, Jennifer.
Jennifer I hope you get back on this site or maybe have found out about this already. But I am doing research and writing a book about women who’ve lost their mothers and in the midst of that research I have found a wonderful help for children. It’s called “Comfort Zone camps!” There are camps all over the US available for kids who have lost a parent and they are free because of money donors gave given! Google it and check it out. It’s wonderful how you have such a heart for children. I was a lower elementary teacher for many years and now am an author. I’m interviewing women and also write devotionals and a blog. May God bless you!
My auntie has recently died, I’ve never lost someone and I’m finding it really hard. I don’t like to talk about it because I don’t want to get upset. I find it hard to talk about her death and still can’t get my head around it. My mum is finding it really hard as well as other members of my family of course. I hate seeing them cry and hurt. I want to take there pain away and make them feel better. My mum is si gle and doesn’t have a partner, I hate seeing her cry and upset. What can I do to help her. I know that talking about my auntie could help her but I wouldn’t think talking everyone is a good thing as grieving can go on for a long time. Help please, I hate seeing sp many people upset. I feel like shutting myself away from everyone because it breaks my heart but that would be selfish of me. What can I do or say to help?
I lost my beautiful mother on June 20, 2015. She was 72 years old. It hurts so bad because she was in the hospital for almost a month and got discharged twice only to return both times within 24 hours of her discharges. She got pneumonia and had to be on a ventilator where she developed sepsis and hear heart just stopped. I will never forget the big red zero on her heart rate monitor. I fought so much with hospital staff, administrators, clinical directors and eventually the CEO of the hospital about the early discharges. I feel so guilty that I should’ve taken her to a different hospital because they released her too early twice. I also feel guilty because I was afraid to miss too much work and I didn’t want to get written up or fired. I should’ve been there with her more at the hospital. I now realize that I have only one mother and if I would’ve gotten fired there are other jobs out there. I feel so lost and alone. I am 43 years old, single with no children. When I am not working I just want to sleep so I don’t have to think about things. The first three days after her death I would cry myself to sleep begging her to come for me. I know I should try to deal with my emotions or at least go to grief counseling. I lived with her so everything is at a standstill. All of her medications, clothes, pillows & blankets are in the exact same place as she left them. The day after her death I was on the floor sobbing while sniffing a blouse she had worn. I did everything for my mom with no complaints. I always told her that it is my turn to take care of her since she took care of me. We were best friends and we had our own little sense of humor. We would always make each other laugh. We would sit and watch TV while holding hands. I would look at her wrinkled hands and get teary eyed at all the years and all the loving that her hands had been through. I feel like an adult orphan. I know I should be grateful that I had her the years that I did as I see some people lost their mother’s at an early age. I still feel like this is a bad dream and that I will wake up one day and she will be right there waiting to comfort me. My father was never in my life and my only sibling is not supportive. He has his own way of dealing with grief I guess. Family & friends were there the first week and after the services but the calls & texts have slowed down. It’s been two weeks since my mom passed and two weeks that my life has forever changed. God Bless us all who are grieving.
My Mom died three weeks ago today, June 16, 2015. I was her best friend and transportation for wherever she needed to go. She was going through a divorce after 63 years of marriage. My dad started having an affair with his biological niece in January of 2013 and we eventually found out about it. As my dad became more involved with is niece (lived in another state) his abuse towards my Mom became physical – he broke her nose, choked her and numerous other abuses. He was arrested as Mom finally had enough. He left and moved to VA from FL to live with his niece. I cared for my Mom and even found her body when she had passed. The divorce was not final so now my dad is back to take everything. I do not mind the ‘things’ as I had my Mom but I am not even allowed in the home to get my own things. My dad is so mean and evil. I grieve for my Mom but I am thankful that she does not have to put up with going to court and all the drama this has caused. The family has been torn apart because of this. So very sad. I Love You Mommy!!
Im an only child & lost my mother 4 yrs
ago. She was 91, I’m 59 now! I feel I
can’t live without her! My world is just
without meaning! No one understands!
I lost my mom a week ago today. We still don’t know what exactly happened, but they suspect it was a stroke or heart attack. She was only 44. I’m currently 24, and though at the end we didn’t talk as often as we used to she was still my best friend. She’d always ask about my day/week/any upcoming plans. She cared about all the little things, and I’m devastated. The past several days have been up and down. Some parts of the day I can think about her and even smile at some of the funny memories. Other points, like most of today, I wallow in my grief and have no idea how it will ever pass. None of my friends have experienced this loss yet, so I feel almost completely alone, if it weren’t for my two brothers and father who are also going through the same thing. If anyone has any advice on how to cope, it would be greatly appreciated. I miss my momma, and my best friend.
Hi Kelsie,
I lost my mom in December. I’m 33 and my sister is 27, so while I can never know your exact pain, I feel you as someone who lost their mom in young adulthood. I really connected with your point about moms caring about the “little things” – that’s something I’m struggling with now. No one listens to your issues or cares about the minutia of day-to-day living like a mom, and, for me, that’s been the hardest hole to fill. My sister was the first one of her friends to experience the loss of a mother and she says, 8 months on now, that it made her feel a bit like a pioneer – other people whose moms became ill started coming to her for help. I know I leaned on my unmothered friends as well because they were the only ones who understood the agony and the rollercoaster of emotions I was going through. Is there a support group in your area you can reach out to?
Only 8 months in myself, I don’t have much advice. TI will say, take your time, there’s no prescribed course for this, and no amount of time this should take. You might never be “over it” but you will get “through it”. The first few months were the hardest – I hardly slept, hardly ate, every morning was like waking from a nightmare. But life’s been better since. Let the grief wash over you when it comes, and surround yourself with the people you need when you need them. No one will ever replace your mom but there are people around you who can give you little bits of what you need. Find the good listeners, find the good huggers, find her friends that can share stories, find the people who will binge Netflix and eat junk food with you.
Good luck, Kelsie. I’m rooting for you, darling.
Thank you Amanda for your lovely reply to Kelsie. It really helped me too. My beautiful mum died on 16th June, three weeks ago. It was my birthday today and it was so hard without mum. I just wish I could hear her voice wishing me a “happy birthday” and feel her giving me a hug. I spent time with my sisters, my children and a lovely friend. They were able to provide a lots of love and support but of course it wasn’t the same. I found your words comforting, hopefully I will also get through this time.
Hi Sharon,
believe me when I say it’s an honour and a privilege to know that my words helped in some small way. I vividly remember finding this comment thread in the days after my mom died and thinking that I would never be able to share anything with anyone but grief and misery. Three weeks is such a short time, love, 3 weeks after my mom died was Christmas, and my good, those first milestones sting good and hard. It’s not the same, you’re right. My dad called me up and sang happy birthday a few weeks ago to me, but without her lovely alto singing along, it actually hurt more than it helped. But it sounds like it was still good. That’s kind of an apt metaphor for how things are now, actually: not the same, but still good. There are moments of beauty ahead, there are days that feel lighter, I promise. If you haven’t had one yet, they’re coming.
This is so hard, and you’re doing so well. My blog is linked to my name, feel free to drop me an email or comment if you want to chat. Good luck to you, my dear.
Hey Amanda,
That’s exactly what I needed to hear, that at some point it will get better. I’m clinging on to any hope that things will get better. I’ve heard it from my friends, but without them knowing what I’m going through their words feel empty. It’s nice to hear it from you. It’s been two weeks and a day. Maybe at some point I’ll stop counting, but right now I just try to get through each day. I’m torn between not wanting to feel sad anymore–so I’ll try and distract myself–and not wanting to forget the way her voice sounds and little snippets of happy memories. For those people that have lost their mother a while ago, do you still remember what her voice sounds like? Does it feel like yesterday that you were talking to her if you focus on a memory?
Hi Kelsey,
My entire world was turned upside down Oct. 7, 2014 when my precious Mother left this world.
I have heard from other people that they forget their loved ones voice. I have over a dozen small voice mails on my phone from my precious Mama. I was so concerned of losing them that i had them downloaded on a cd and then on my computer and from there on a mini stick. I don’t ever want to forget her lovely voice.
Yes, It seems as if it were yesterday that I was talking with her. You are right, when you focus on a memory, it does seem like yesterday.
There is really no advice that I can give you. Unfortunately, it’s a place we don’t want to be in due to the loss and painful grief. We just have to go through it.
I can offer you my prayers for Peace and Comfort to overwhelm you.
Take care, Kelsey.
I lost my mom on June 24,2015. In a couple of days it will be a month since her passing. I am 6 mos pregnant and my birthday is this weekend. It will be my first birthday without her and its hard to except that her grandchild will never meet her like my other children. My mom was truly my best friend. I miss her unconditional love and caring heart. I am having a very hard time dealing with this. I feel like I’m dying inside. I’m 34yrs old and my mom was 69yrs old and I feel so robbed of losing her at a young age. I feel every feeling a person can possibly feel. I know I have to be strong for my kids and in born baby but sometimes I feel like I’m losing control of my life. I didn’t know the pain can be so deep. She was my everything and I miss seeing her and hearing her voice. Its like a big nightmare and I just hope it will get better but I am hurting so bad. Sara
My Mom had been living with my family for the past 2 years. On Friday, June 12th, at 5 p.m. she awoke from her nap, was using her walker to go to her private bathroom, which was only about 15 feet from her bed, lost her balance and fell on the carpeting. She did not hit her head on anything, had no bumps, bruises, nothing. She was crying though and complaining of a severe headache so I had my oldest son call 911. They took her to the hospital for a CT Scan. I was told that she had a subdural hematoma on the right side of her head but surgery was not recommended because most of the time the body absorbs this on its own. They repeated the CT the next morning and all was the same so they said they would watch her for a few days and send us home as long as it stayed the same or started to get smaller. On Tuesday, she started sleeping, ALOT. We were to get discharged Wednesday and they did another CT before we left. Then the neurosurgeon told me that she would die within a few days if she did not have brain surgery. I had been telling the nurses and the doctor when he made his daily visit, that I was noticing changes everyday but no further tests were done until Wednesday evening. She had brain surgery at 6:30-8 p Wednesday night. Thursday morning, she awoke and responded to the doctor’s commands, which he said was a good sign. Friday morning, she opened her eyes less and less and then not at all. The doctor that had been taking care of Mom since the 12th when we came into the hospital seemed to disappear after Thursday morning. I never saw him again after that. A different doctor came in the tell me that her brain had so much damage from the pressure that there was nothing to be done. So, I took my Mom home. Of course, they made me wait 30 hours after they took out the respirator and feed tube on Saturday – which they had said she had been breathing on her own the whole time anyway. She died with me at home in her own bed a few hours later on Sunday, June 21st after we watched a movie together sitting up in bed together holding hands.
My life changed in an instant. I lived in the hospital with Mom for 10 days and for the first 5 days, I was led to believe that we would be going home and that she would just have a little bit of brain damage from the hematoma’s pressure on the brain. I was not counseled from the beginning that this would lead to death this quickly. Just that she was going to need 24/7 care when we went home. Things changed so rapidly that my head is still trying to wrap itself around everything that has happened. I had to drive to WV twice in the following 2 weeks to make arrangements for her final resting place and did so in sort of a trance. Everything was finalized on July 3rd and I returned home on the 4th with my family. Even so, I’m still walking around in a daze, not really feeling like I know what to do or what not to do. I really don’t feel anything. I just cry. When I think about my only sister not even coming to the funeral home, on top of not speaking to my mother for over 2 years, I die a little bit inside. How can someone be so cruel? My brother died last year and he had not spoken to his own mother for over a year at the time of his death. I feel as if my mother died with a broken heart although I loved her more than anything, my husband loved her and she loved him, and she loved my 3 young children and they worshipped their Mama. Of course, she was the best Mama anyone could ever have. I just hope that she is at peace and that the Lord can take away the pain that she felt from being mistreated by my siblings.
I founded a non-profit to help senior citizens back in 2012. When Mom came to live with my family in 2013, I had to temporarily suspend my charity in order to care for my Mom. I will be resuming services through TARPS in September which is funded entirely by public contributions. If you would like to make a donation, simply go to my website, read about what we do and, If you want to help, click on Donate. http://www.seniortarps.org
My mum was 51 and I 24. One week ago she collapsed without warning and died instantly. Like so many of you my mum was more than just a mum but a best friend. She was the biggest influence on my life. Her funeral is today and in one weeks time I am due to get married. My mum was so excited for my wedding and after reading some comments I am glad that she had chance to help me plan and see my dress but I cannot imagine the day without her. My husband to be was very fond of my mum too and my dad and my brother are hurting but I feel like nobody understands the pain I’m going through and then I feel selfish. My mum and I were always very open and talked often about the future and grandchildren. I know that it was what she wanted more than anything and now I’m terrified of doing that without her. Whilst I am surrounded by loving and caring people without her I feel so alone. I fear living one more day without her although I know I must. I hope that one day I can find the strength that I read here to carry her with me but continue to live the life I know she wanted for me.
I thank you all for sharing your experiences and making me feel even slightly normal at this awful time.
Leanne
Leanne,
That is exactly how I feel right now! You said what I’ve been feeling and thinking very poignantly.
Hi Kelsie,
I am sorry to hear that you are suffering too. I wish I could tell you how i am dealing with it but I haven’t figured that out yet. I will be sure to let you know if I do.
Hi, it’s the anniversary of my mums death she died 3 years ago but I feel like I’m only just grieving as wen she died I got married 6wks later to a guy who had 3 daughters, I moved area, jobs and had no friends where I moved to. We moved house 3times and my husband wS made redundant so I had the responsibility of all the bills, I got cervical cancer and also during this time my dAd wS conned out of all of his life savings and then got remarried to someone he met on th internet…, a few months ago I felt like I just could not cope anymore had a breakdown and started to drink heavily…,,my husband kicked me out and I have nowhere permanant to stay…,Iv lost everything and don’t no what to do as usually I would talk to my mum about this..,,any advice/help would be appreciated
I just lost my mother Aug. 2014. Almost a year. I thought she was coming home from nursing home and then her colon ruptures. That was it. We all had to watch her die from the poison and it was horrible. I told my mother that we were fixing the house for her and that we used material she bought years ago to do it. What upset us all is that she never came home to see how nice we fixed it and made it livable for her. But I know she did not deserve to live miserable and sick and I saw it progress in my own eyes. For a year before she died, I knew something was going to happen and I was screaming to my aunt on the phone and I felt helpless like nobody cared. I knew she was going to be taken away from me. We were best friends and its funny how at drop of a dime, everything went downhill, the physical, the mental, everything. I was glad I told her that I was fixing the house. I also told her if I felt it was too much for me I would sell the house and she agreed and said, yes it is a lot. I am mostly sad for her not fixing it properly while she was alive and enjoying it more. I almost feel like it does not matter anymore, she is not here to share it with me. I feel terrible about it and I walk around in a daze half the time. What they say is true, if you don’t have your health, you have nothing. A sick person could never enjoy their life if they are too sick and it just sickens me that I always wanted her to fix things while she was alive and she could never get herself to do it.
Thank you, my mum died 19 years ago and I still get upset to this day, my husband does not understand as he still has his own mum, she died when I was 18 and I grieve for the relationship we never had, I have met my man, married him and had two boys and grieve for the loss of their relationship with her as well, it will never end.
I lost my mom on January 28th, 2015. One of the hardest days of my life. I have two older sisters but we have different fathers. I cry quite often. I find comfort in keeping some of her belongings. I tried to help my dad clean out some of her stuff and I lost it. It almost doesn’t seem real. I found myself calling her house hoping she would answer the phone. Instead, my dad answered. Not only that, I left my husband on 3/28. Exactly 2 months after my mom passed. We are currently back together, but he is so closed off to my grief. I also lost a best friend. She chose not to attend my mom’s funeral. I am thankful for God’s grace and strength every single day. Somehow, I am still standing and trying to push forward. I miss my mom so much my soul aches.
It’s coming onto three months now since I lost my mum and the pain of loss and feeling alone has not eased. It’s been a constant ache that’s not subsiding but it has intensified now that I have to face the first devastating situation without her by my side to hug me, just hold me, comfort and tell me that all will be ok, like only my mum could. There are going to be so many firsts without mum being in my life. I need and miss her so much. I feel so broken and struggling to keep putting back all the little pieces.
Dear All,
We seem to be given a few months to grieve and are then expected to be OK… if we are not OK, friends suggest grief counselling so we can “get over our loss, or get over it”…
Well, I am quietly grieving my mother so intensely that it’s difficult to explain it all in words. There have been moments where I just fake being happy for the sake of those around me, but, the reality is that life just does not feel fully liveable with the loss of my mom. When she died, the grief of losing my dad and other family members seemed to be very heighten the grief.
Thank you to all who have written to share how losing their mom’s is not something they can just get over with the passage of a few months or even years. Life will never be the same without my mother. I look ahead in disbelief at how many years may be ahead of me without my mother here with us.
I write letters to my mother in a special little book dedicated to her. It helps me to pour out my heart and problems to her… and through these letters, I do find solutions and solace. The very act of writing to her often makes me feel connected to her wisdom in so many ways.
While it does hurt feeling like the only daughter without a mother anymore, it’s simply not the case. We just need to expand our contacts to include older women who have lost their mothers. The older ladies are very understanding, while those of us who still have mothers, they don’t seem to really fathom our grief.
So, thank you, to the author and to all those who share their stories- I feel less alone and more comforted after visiting this special web-site.
you wrote my heart……you really did….and i thank u….
My mother died suddenly today, 26th July 2015.
She did so much for me, and I did very little in return. I hadn’t phoned her for a long time. Pure selfishness. I didn’t even get round to sending a Mothers’ Day card this year, the last chance I’ll ever get. Sorry mum. Goodbye.
Today marks 1 painful, lonely, despairing month since my Mother’s exit. I lost my beautiful Momma on June 27, 2015 after a lung surgery complication. I am 42 and the 1st daughter of 5 kids and your article meant a lot to me. My Mother’s children were her greatest pride and accomplishment. Young or old, we ALL need our Mothers. I will NEVER be too old to need my Mother’s comfort.
I remember a conversation/life lesson that my Mother and I had years ago after the death of my 87yo paternal grandmother. I felt bad for not being “tore up” over her passing and my Mom said to me, “It’s because you don’t have guilt. People who struggle didn’t get to say sorry or they wished they’d done something different.” I know in my heart that I tried to be the best daughter I could be so I don’t have guilt. BUT boy oh boy…I have tremendous sadness for all the things I will not get to do with my Mother, my best friend.
If you strongly believe, as I do, that your Mother is responsible for the smart, talented beautiful person you are today then heck yeah your significant other and everyone else needs to know. She’s not just some lady…SHE is half of you. I made up my mind very early in her passing that I was not gonna “be or look OK” for everyone else’s benefit or comfort. I’m not looking for anyone’s sympathy but I’m not gonna act like I’m OK when I sure as heck ain’t.
My Momma was and will always be my best girl and I feel like a black hole just burns inside me. I am very sad and I am very mad. Not at God but just at life’s happenings. I can tell that every daughter on this board feels my pain and that’s just too many sad women. My Mom was Good, Giving, Honest, Loving, Hard working, Compassionate, and Forgiving and she was plucked from this earth where her kind is so desperately needed. I would love to live in a place on Earth where mine and all mothers mentioned before mine would live.
Yesterday, today, tomorrow and forever I know my Momma’s presence will guild me like she always has. I must honor her by being the best mom, wife and woman I can be. I will keep all of you in my prayers. I hope our days get better and hearts a little lighter. Stay strong. I thank you for reading and allowing me to share a piece of my Beautiful Momma with you. BTW…Cancer SUCKS!
Wow. Thank you for those words. My mum died 3 weeks ago today at the age of 51. She collapsed at home and died instantly. The feelings you described perfectly sum up how I’m feeling and your attitude has inspired me. I got married 3 days ago and today I am sat in the airport waiting to go on a honeymoon of a lifetime to Disneyworld. I am struggling to smile or be happy but you have made me realise that I don’t just owe it to my new husband but to my mum ( who loved my new husband and was very excited about our wedding and trip) to have a good time and to be the woman she raised.
I really thank you for your words as they may have just made my next two weeks easier and happier.
I am sorry for your loss you will be in my thoughts alongside the other women on here.
Thank you
Leanne
Its really comforting to find out that there are people out there who understands the pain. I just burried my mother on the 25th July, she died in a car accident on Mandela day( 18 July)….i feel like life is not worth living.She is my life,my shelter, my light……my life. No one can really get over the feeling/pain of loosing a mother, you cant move on,….a lot of unanswered question. i miss her more than before….am struggling to accept it.yes i saw we burried her, but a piece of me is still hoping for a miracle….i dont want people to tell me that its gonna be ok, because it will never be the same without her. Nomatter how a person can try to motivate and comfort-it hurts a lot, and no amount of words can heal the pain…
I lost my mother to lung cancer 3 months ago. She was only 58 and I turned 33 two weeks later on Mother’s Day, of course. She was diagnosed on New Year’s Eve and only lasted a little over 4 months. It is the worst heartbreak I have ever felt. I can’t forget her suffering and can’t get over how one day she was healthy and then just started declining immediately. I miss her soooooooo much. I’m so happy that as soon as I found out about the cancer, I spent every single day with her. I spent as much time as possible with her and don’t have many regrets. I love her and will never forget her. She was so amazing and successful I hope I can be half of what she is some day. She promised me she’d send me signs and she does. Long story short, four leaf clovers mean something to me and my mom. I have now found 13 four leaf clovers since she’s been gone. I would say what helps me get through this is feeling her presence and feeling as though she’s still with me. Does anyone else feel this way? Have you received signs? I love hearing stories about signs or fee lim like your mom is still here.
Hi Marisa,
Sorry for your loss.. I lost my mom in Feb 2001 an its still so hard for me to move on. I dont know who i am without her. I cry all the time.(i cant see what im typing now thru the tears ) so forgive me for the poor spelling. I was 30yrs old when she passed an she was 56. She died in her sleep around 4am an my10yr old son had spent the night .I called him that morning to make sure he was up for school. An i ask him where is grandma he said sleeping.. An she was already gone at that point. I was the baby of the family. My mother had been thru hell an back with my dad.He would get drunk an beat her. At times u couldnt even tell it was her. She went back to school became a nurse divorced him an left with all 4 of her children. It was hard because we struggled financialy.But we were happy that we didnt have to worry about my dad coming home drunk at 3am to beat the crap out of her. Anyway sorry for telling u my life story. My mom love the Bee Gees so we would talk an sing whenever we would turn on the radio
An she would say when i die u will no when im around because u will hear the BeeGees . So ever since she passed i hear them all the time. Everywhere i go i hear the BeeGees an i get chills because i know she is with me. Sometimes when i hear them i cry. Life will never ever be the same for me.. I dont know how to be present an enjoy anything because i think if she was here it would be better… I have 2 sons 24 an 18 an the guilt i feel for the yrs i wasnt present or living in the moment hurts me to my core. My older son some what knows how i feel. He knew Grandma was Moms best friend an we did everything together. Talked 20 times a day… Its a daily struggle for me an always will be.
Im so glad i came across this site. I have read almost every story on here. An so many of them sound like mine. Im glad im not alone… I do believe when someone that close to you (Who is closer then your mom) dies they will try an find a way to let us know they are with us.. An i live for those days.
I lost my beautiful mom on August 22nd last year. I sent her on vacation with my dad and she returned to me in a box. Maybe if I was there something else could have been done. I have such guilt over this. If I had known this was the last time I was going to see her I would have given her an extra hug and told her how much she means to me. She had Parkinson’s disease for years, and I know she was getting worse, but you are never really prepared for it. I miss her every day. Even now that is almost a year I have some good days, but some in which I just don’t know what to do with myself. I feel so lost and lonely. Is like I have to relearn who I am without her by my side.
Today was a hard day because again my dad went on vacation. I wanted him to see his family back in our country. Yet, I am terrified. I know he will be fine, but I thought that last year when I sent them both. Just so scared…missing him.
This is quite sad and unwanted. Im touched @ http://www.chakguesthouse.org
my mom got sick in 2012 and she was diagnosed with lung cancer in January 2013. she passed away oon the 10th of march and left me with my 2 siblings. I have no support system I cry almost everyday, I currently live with my youngest brother and taking care of him with everything he needs, his like a son 2 me on the other hand I have a father but he doesnt support us at all, now that im pregnant I feel lonely even more it seems like no one understands my pain, im missing my mother because I know I would get the support system I need right now if she was here and my boyfriend doesnt understand me, the only person who makes my feel better is my baby brother but I dont want him to stress because his busy with his matric exams.i dont know how I will ever be ok again, im happy when im around people but the minute im alone I think abiut my mother and im scared that it would harm my unborn baby. I have no one but my brothers and my family has abandoned on us.
Today makes it 19yr now that my life changed for ever i lost my mom. She was everthing to me, she was the rock i The famely, i rember every little detil of that day. An it has mad me so angry over the years an i not neem able to find happynes. I no i need to let her go but i scared that i well gor get her forever an that scars me. The memories o do jave of here are starting to fad but that day.
I have 4 boys now an o love them so much an they are what keep me going. But my famely has not mad it ease for me. I almost feel like they resint me bevause im the baby out of all us but i look an haveresimble alot of are moms trats.
My mother died February 15th, 2015. She turned 89 on February 2nd. I am 65 years old. No one understands my grief. I need to talk about it but I cannot. I will never get over this.
My mother died February 15th, 2015. She turned 89 on February 2nd. I am 65 years old. No one understands my grief. I need to talk about it but I cannot. I will never get over this. No one cares about my grief. I am driven into silence. I loved my mother.
Sorry for the double comment. Computer glitch. Or perhaps I wasn’t “meant” to post a comment to begin with.
When I was about 10 years old, I remember having two friends, both of which their mother had died.
My mother passed away last Monday, Aug. 3rd, after being sick for just over a month. She was diagnosed with cancer and spent the last month of her life in and out of the hospital. I was with her the evening she passed away. I comforted her and talked to her, hoping she heard me. My dad and brother could not bear to see her so sick and in the hospital bed and although they tried to they could not stay in the room more than a few minutes. My sister passed away 2 years ago this month and I feel so alone, although I have a wonderful husband, children and my dad, who is so devastated. My parents live just 3 blocks from me and I go see dad every day. Just two days after Mom passed away, my dad started going through her things, kitchen cabinets, her office, her collections. I don’t understand why he is doing this, but he did promise me we could wait until a later date to go through her clothes and personal things. I told my brother it is all about dad now, and whatever he wants, we will honor and cooperate. They were married for 54 years. The last week was so busy with the service, company coming in, etc. and I returned to work this week, having been off a week with my family. I have 2 questions please: is this normal behavior for my dad, and is it too soon for me to seek grief counseling, do I need to try and “heal” on my own and with the help of my family? Any comments or suggestions would be so appreciated. Thank you so much.
Hi, firstly I am so sorry about your mum dying I no what you are going through and it’s such an awful time. My mum died 3years ago and we were best friends so it hit hard when she did pass away. I would strongly reccomend you getting grief counselling as soon as you can as I didn’t and thought I could did it alone but now 3 years on I have had a break down and am now getting grief counselling and it’s helped so much. I should have got this much earlier.
Hi Kellie,
My mom died last December and almost immediately my dad started going through her stuff. He would call me to talk about the money he’d found that she stashed away and it reduced me to sobs, thinking of her putting money away for a rainy day that never came. He eventually stopped and still has her clothes hanging in the closet, etc. but it was definitely one of his first instincts.
On one hand, I can see why he might – my sister coming home to see my mother’s cane resting against the doorframe was immensely difficult for her and seeing constant reminders of her may have made him anxious and upset. Your father might be trying to return to a state of “normal” by forcing himself to move on and converting the house to a place where a single man now lives.
As for grief counselling – I don’t think it’s too soon. Even just telling a third party who’s not directly involved is so helpful. My sister started about two weeks after our mom died and I started going about a month afterwards and we have continued to see our therapists about once every 4-6 weeks since. Since you’ve already suffered a loss with your sister, I think it would be an ideal time to go. I know when my grandfather died 4 weeks after my mom, the idea of “compounded grief” from losing two people made getting out of that dark hole so much harder. I’d never seen a psychologist before but It’s been so helpful and, occasionally, even fascinating to see how the threads of issues I have in my life all seem to tie to one another. It’s legitimately saved my sanity.
Love and warmth to you during these difficult times. Good luck.
Hi Kellie,
I am very sorry for your loss.
I sought grief counseling about a month after my precious Mama passed and I would highly recommend it. It is never too soon.
I’m so glad that you are being patient with your Dad. I believe counseling will also help you concerning your Dad. I wish that I had more words…
Again, I’m so sorry for your loss. God bless!
Your words are so true & I can relate so easily. I lost my mother 5 yrs ago. She was the love of my life & my mentor. My life has never been the same & never will. She died suddenly & tragically & I never got to tell her or ask her things that I needed to know. God has taken me through this journey & I’m making it through his strength & love. Thank you for your words of encouragement, janet
My mom died on March 17th, 2015 over my March break from college. I was 24, and this past June I had to go through my first birthday without her. Her birthday was in May and my first mother’s day without her too. She had esophageal cancer for 6 and a half months. I found out about her diagnosis a month into me starting my first year of college and didn’t tell my fellow students at all, told my teachers some months later just in case. I wasn’t there when she passed away overnight which bothers me to this day. It was still a shock when my dad told me the next morning. She went through radiation treatment and was 2 weeks away from her operation. The tumor was isolated to her esophagus, which for upper GI cancer is rare. It was looking good till the day before she started throwing up blood. An ambulance was called but she didn’t want to go into the hospital, my mom insisted my dad go to bed that night while she stayed on the couch. The pain of her loss to me and my whole family is unbearable, she was only 56 and only predeceased her mom by 5 years. I was very close to her, and we were planning a trip to Disneyland for when she recovered. I feel very alone, I have a sister who has downs syndrome but I can’t really communicate with her. My dad tries to support me but doesn’t know how. He doesn’t listen very well and I can’t get a word in when he talks. I support him more than he has me thus far. The rest of the family just want to move on. I feel soo alone. I have a loving boyfriend and he knew mom for a short time but I still think that it’s hard for him to know how to support me. My mom’s official funeral is in a week and my second year of college starts in 3 weeks from now, I feel at a loss of what to do, I just feels so hopeless right now. Reading the stories on here does help to know I’m not alone. Because everyone around me I don’t think understands.
Hi Allison,
This has got to be so tough on you – College is such a different experience, and to have this kind of stress piled on top of it? You’re a warrior, for sure.
My mom died in December at 64. This was my first Mother’s Day/birthday etc. without her, too. It’s really hard at this mid-20s – early 30s age because it’s “too young” to lose our moms (as if we’re ever ready) but we’re also kind of expected to “move on”, which as you know, isn’t really an option for a lot of people.
I wasn’t there when my mom died, either, but try not to let it worry you. I know, I know. Easier said than done, but in the months that followed, I found that it mattered less. In the days afterward I beat myself up over every time I hurt her feelings, every time I wasn’t grateful, every opportunity to say “I love you” that I felt I missed. I agonized over the fact that her brain bleed started a few hours after we left her, thought about her being alone and scared. Those things start to fall away in pieces as the months go by and you realize a lot of your worries are just your own fears coming through. The nurses said that often people will wait until their family leaves the room – sometimes even just to go to the washroom – before dying. She knew you loved her – know that.
My dad is a person who talks “at” you instead of “with” you, as well, and I know how challenging that can be. Have you thought of going to a psychologist or grief counselor? I’d never been to any kind of therapy before my mom died but I found it immensely helpful. Especially because my dad and my sister were kind of leaning on me and other people in my life leaned on me for different reasons and it was sort of a relief to just go and talk to someone who had my best interests in mind and who could help me sort out my feelings and let me know what was normal.
You are definitely not alone. You are doing amazingly well, even if it doesn’t feel like it every day. Best of luck on your second year, Allison. I hope you find many moments of joy throughout it.
I know this post is old, but I lost my mother last month. I am 25 years old. It was completely unexpected. This has definitely been the most realistic thing I have heard or seen since. People keep telling me to be strong, I will be ok, one day I’ll move on. I know that is not true, and it is so nice to find advice that acknowledges that. This is much more realistic. Thank you.
Hi Ashley,
I also lost my mum unexpectedly last month, I am 24 years old nearly 25 and like you I have found it hard when people say the usual times a healer, it gets easier. I want to scream at them and tell them they don’t understand how it feels. It is good to know that others feel the same and that people do carry on with their lives despite the pain. I believe that we will continue to live our lives but the pain will never truly leave us. I hope that you are doing ok!
My mom passed away 30 years ago, just 4 months after being diagnosed with ovarian cancer. We were very close – gal pals in my early 20s. I was her sole care giver, working in the a.m, then running to one of two cancer care hospitals … until they’d send me home. Mom was never sick and was always an energetic & positive young women. Then she was gone at 60 — the day before my 28th birthday. Mourning & tears were deep — with many lows and some highs — intense for five years. Two years following her passing, I married -/ although I admit it was really a fog for me, not the clearest head. But I have over the controls more than I might have otherwise… (Another story ). Now, married 30 yrs with two grown sons
I am so glad to visit this site again and again. My mom died Aug 7, 2014, at the age of 90 from this cancer, so I have just finished my year of ‘firsts’. She had a difficult death, reacted terribly to meds, so it was awful to see. She even broke my finger holding onto me so tight.
Not a day goes by, not a single day, where I don’t miss her. I want to call her, see her, hear her voice, see her walk into my house. I feel cheated by her death. And no, I have had no ‘here I am and everything on the other side is grand’ signs that people go on about. She was 90, but most people just say to me that I should be happy she had a long life. Like many of her generation, with wars, the depression, widowhood, poverty, and the like, the supports weren’t in place that are now, so no…her life was not an easy one until her senior years. My sister, and I looked after her while she was sick, except in the last 2 months. We had a total of 7 months of cancer time…it was a tornado, as everyone here knows.
But this is a place to read that others are in pain, and I feel I can express it here, without holding it back. I really need this, so thanks for being patient with this long message.At this point, friends and other family aren’t as receptive, I find. I have even posted on some other sites, and had no response, so feel even more lonely, like somehow my grief is less than others.
She didn’t see my only child’s high school graduation, go to prom, get ready to go into university, and other milestones. She didn’t see me finish and publish my book. God how I miss her.
I have lost the desire to look after my house.My beautiful gardens are shabby. I don’t like my own aging process now (I am in my mid 50s) as it frightens me and seems to have accelerated with her passing. I finally reached menopause ( I hope!) this year, so it is another milestone.
I have seen a therapist, it helped with some left over issues, but I don’t think I am depressed, just grieving.
She was my only parent, as my dad died when I was 2 and my stepdad when I was 7.
I have a good job, but now all I want is to retire, so I can enjoy life more fully, as I feel so strongly that it really isn’t very long.
Thanks for listening.
I’m so sorry for your loss! My grandmother just passed at the age of 87 and was the happiest, most full of life person I’ve ever met. It doesn’t matter that your mom was 90, it mattered who she WAS. Love has no age. I know how you feel, believe me. But all i know is that your mother would NOT want you to be like this. Do the things that would make her happy. If she wanted to see your garden, make it beautiful for her spirit. If she wanted to see your clean and orderly home, do it for her. If she wanted to see you volunteer at a hospital, do it for her. It will make you feel better about yourself and you will feel like she is with you smiling the whole time. You will never get over the death of your mom, you will just adjust to living life without her.
Thank you for what you have said. It is truly helpful and I am sorry for the loss of your mom, too. You are right. We just adjust.
Thank you for this beautiful website and thanks everyone for sharing their stories. We all share the same pain and it’s nice to know we aren’t alone. I lost my mom three months ago. She had defied the odds for so many years and came back from the brink of death. There were still some good days, but at 65, she was giving up the fight. Congestive Heart Failure is cruel in so many ways, but mostly because there are so many low and high points….a constant roller coaster where you don’t know if it’s going to be an ‘up’ day or a ‘down’ day or an ICU on a ventilator desperate kind of day. For the past 10 years, I’ve tried to make up for how ugly I was to my mom during my teenage years. I was hurtful and disrespectful….looking at it now and understanding how much she was going through – divorce, death of mom and brother, still born baby, and on and on….she needed me and I wasn’t there. It haunts me. The past 10 years, I’ve tried to make up for it, being by her side whenever I could, building her and my stepdad an in-law suite, holding her hand and making her laugh during all the hospital visits. But, in the end, she died alone while I was 700 miles away on a business trip. My world crumbled. I cry every day and it seems to be getting worse. I just pray that she knew how much I loved her and appreciated her. And I pray for all of us on this site that we find some peace and understanding as our hearts try to heal.
My beloved and amazing grandmother died on August 24, 2015. She was not only my grandmother, but my mother and my best friend. She raised me since day one when my mom decided she did not want to raise me. She was truly the most admirable person I have ever met, or will ever meet. It’s only been 4 days, and it feels so surreal. I don’t know how to feel. She had advanced multiple myeloma and passed after a week of her diagnosis. I know she is not in pain anymore, and I know she is with her loved ones, but I miss her dearly. I do not know if I will ever be happy again. I just function because I have to. I have 2 little girls and a great husband who need me. It’s so hard, but I know that she would have wanted me to be happy. There’s a great quote that says “I’ll be fine, just not today.” and I always remember that. I also found that writing helps a lot. Write her a letter, a note, read it out loud, it’s kind of like talking on the phone and having her listen! I wish you all patience and happiness and know that there are so many others going through this, too.
I am so glad that I found this site. I thought I was the only one who was crying every day over the loss of her Mother. My Mom died Oct.25.2014. I cried at her bedside; she said” please don’t cry, I’ve done all I can. I’m tired”.
But I can’t stop crying. The relationship between Mother and daughter is truly an enigma. We shared everything: the ups and downs of her life and my life forever intertwined. She was always up for an adventure and full of life. I am now in total awe of how she carried on losing her own Father, Mother, two sisters and three brothers. Focusing her attention on those are still in this world.
I can’t hide my sadness. But I do want to carry on in her footsteps by being present for my own family and friends. So, that in the end I will be able to say “I’ve done all I can”.
Thank you for letting me share my grief. I’m glad you can’t hear my sobbing.
I lost my mother in Feb of 2001 an i am still lost an dont know how to move on.. My mother was everything to me. She was my rock she always knew the right thing to say when i was feeling down or stressed. I dont know why but when she told me everything will work out an be ok I just felt so much better. Maybe because i knew if i failed she would be there to pick me up. I often feel i cant go on without her. Its something i struggle with daily.Its hard to talk about without crying… So to all the ppl that still have moms Please do not take her for granite because she might not be there tomorrow.
I lost my mom four days ago. She was ninety. Something happened the day before she died and it has brought me so much peace. I hope it brings peace to some of you as well. I visited mom at her nursing home last week. She had been unable to speak or open her eyes for weeks. When I walked into her room last Friday, her eyes were open and she was smiling. She was talking to her brother – a brother who had passed away 15 years ago. I asked mom if her brother was visiting. She said, ‘Yes.” I asked, “Is he taking you with him?” She answered, “Yes.” I drove home and told my husband that mom was going to die soon. My husband was skeptical. The very next morning, a nurse called me from the nursing home to tell me that mom’s breathing had become very laboured. I spent the next three days and nights at her bedside as she slowly declined. I’ve been questioning my faith for some time now, but this experience has shown me that there is life everlasting. Mom will come to take me with her one day. Of that, I am sure. Live on, Sweet Mom.
My mother was killed by a drunk driver in 1996, just a few weeks after I had turned 13. It has been 19 years, but I am finding that the older I get, the deeper I feel this loss. I have gone through every major milestone on my own, without her guidance, love, advice, and friendship. There are so many things I would love to discuss with her, as an adult. I deeply feel her absence and the fact that I never got the chance to REALLY know her, as an adult, woman to woman. All I have are the memories of her from a child’s perspective, and even some of those are fading after 19 years. This early loss has really cast a shadow over my entire life since then, and will always affect the way I perceive myself, the world, and my whole life. This hole can never be filled, and for me, it gets deeper and darker as time goes on.
My mom is dying. I’m terrified of losing her. I don’t know how I’m going to live without her. She’s my best friend. I can’t imagine life without her. My heart aches. I’ll never move past this. I love you mom.
So sorry. I know the pain you feel and the fear. I went through it for a long time. The pain will be there but it will get better eventually. Let your feelings out. Don’t be afraid to show her or tell her your fear. I slipped one day and cried in front of my Mom and she was glad to know how much I was hurting. She thought I wasn’t and she felt more loved. Praying for you Jamie. You will be all right.
Jamie, my thoughts are with you. My mum died on 4th May, 2015 and my heart is broken. I watched her go downhill for months beforehand and, like you, I was terrified of losing her. But she did die and I did cope. It wasn’t easy and it still isn’t but, in spite of my loss, I do have joy in my life.
Of course, now I wish I could share that joy with her. I miss her for that. I miss being able to tell her things and, even as I’m remembering that she’s dead, I’m thinking, ‘I must tell Mum about that.’ I’m just grateful that I had a mother who was my friend and of whom I have wonderful memories.
Life and death are intertwined and our own lives are richer for those we have loved and lost. We don’t ever need to let go; we just need to learn to live with our loss. All we can do is enjoy our mothers while we have them, and celebrate and commemorate that special relationship when they’re gone.
Rua –
Thank you for your beautiful words. I lost my mom in much the same manner on 31 July and you expressed perfectly what I am feeling.
Peace to you.
I have always known I would be left alone one day with no family. No one to lean on, call, anything. Nobody knows how hard this is. I have to clean out our home and probably will not see any money from it when it sells. I can’t imagine the rest of my life not hearing her voice, her teasing, her sense of humor, her intelligence, her confidence no matter what happened in life. The whole world is open to me. It is scary and difficult to have to do it alone. Yes I love God, and believe he will help me, but we all must walk our path by faith. I have lost my best friend, confidant, the one person who was always there for me and never gave up on my. We got along so very well. I thought I’d have a good job and a spouse when she left me and I have neither. I am left with nothing. No money. Our home must be sold. I must pack what I want to keep and get rid of everything else. I have made little progress in 6 months on that end. I will do it and will survive. I want to feel excited and free and confident…but I feel scared and alone and not well. No one near me understands. I have regrets for all the things I couldn’t do for her because I didn’t have the money. The greatest blessing was is that we were together the last year or so. She was bedridden and always so positive. I wish I could have done more. I know I took fantastic care of her. I am lost without this wonderful woman. I hope I find myself a great place with close friends where I can be happy without my family.
to say I’m broken is understated. No words. Nothing feels right and I dont’ feel like anything will ever be normal again. I lost my best friend/ partner in crime/ a limb! Literally. Life without my Mom doesn’t even seem worth living. I miss her with all of my heart and I’m just basically existing. It’s soooo hard!
I feel your pain. I lost my mom 7 week ago. I really miss her love!! I’m so alone and in such pain, physically and mentally. Never would have imagined it would be this painful.
I lost my mom on June 23, 2015, she was diagnosed with stage 4 ovarian cancer on June 11, 2015, she was hospitalized on the 16th everything was shutting down, she lived in Pa and I live in Fl, I flew to Pa on June 2nd when my daughter called and told me what was going on. I am thankful that i had that time with my mom, when we talked on the phone she would always say just move back home the biggest regret i have is staying in Fl when she wanted me to move back to Pa, she would also say she hates to be alone, thinking back she was telling me that she needed me, i don’t talk about her last few weeks, i am just glad i was with her, i never left her bedside, when i had too ( my dad or brothers made me take a brake, they said i had to take care of #1) i made sure that one of them or a nurse sat with her, it was so hard for me because my dad had me make all the decisions, i just keep feeling that the decisions i made killed her 🙁 I just can’t get it out of my head it happened so fast. When people tell me that she is in a better place i get so angry, how can it be better she is not with her kids, grand kids and great grand kids. I talked to a friend the other day and was telling her I feel hate, anger, loneliness, she asked me who i feel the hate for? and #1 was God, I hate him for my mother having an incurable cancer, #2 my dad and brothers for making me feel like i was the only one, #3 my mom for leaving me, #4 myself for not moving home when she asked me too. My friend told me to talk to god, yell if i have too, talk to my brothers and dad about how they made me feel, talk to my mother and forgive myself, well you know I can’t do that, i hurt so much i am not ready.
I still think about calling her just to ask a question, I hear her calling my name, but that is all she says and it is mostly when i am thinking about ways that i can die! I don’t want to live without her, my friend tell me to think about my own kids and grand kids, but most of the time i don’t even what to talk to them, I told my husband that I am going to have to talk to someone, I have a history of depression but have been off all meds or about a yr I just don’t know what to do!!!!!!!!! I miss her so much, she was my life line.
I lost my mom on July 19 of this year. I have never felt more alone than I do now. I moved in with my parents to help take care of my mom. She passed away from ovarian cancer. She was my bestfriend. Don’t get me wrong I live my dad and everything he did to help her but it is not the same. My mom was the one who never judged me but always helped me. She made me who I am today.
Everyone I come home I expect to see her in her room or the couch.
For her funeral I felt like I was the strong one for everyone. I had to be, that’s what my mom wanted. I am just having a hard time now. I find myself missing her more and when something would go wrong or I had a doctor appointment and would call to tell her my news I could not. I found myself calling her cell number. That’s what I would do for everything. Call her because she was the only one who could really be there for me. Even a few days before she passed she looked at me and said Camilla everything is going to be alright. Still being mom and that may have been the last words she said. She could not talk much after that. I would tell my mom how I met a new guy last year and she ended up loving him and said he is a goodone. He talks about wanting to marry me and I just don’t feel like that’s important anymore. Everything that used to be important is no longer. She would say Camilla even if I am not there in person she would put her hand on my heart and say I will be right here with you. My heart is broken and I am having a hard time now. What’s wrong with me??
nothing is wrong with you. your heart is broken. Talk to your great guy, let him know ur heart is broken and you need some time. If he is as good as your mama thought. He will wait and be your rock through this time.love heals. I just lost my mama on sept. 3 this year, my birthday was sept. 12th, the day we buried my uncle her brother. we lost them within 4 days of each other. I have two younger cousins his daughters and felt I had to be strong for them. My mama had breast cancer and went to treatment for it. Then she told us she was cancer free, but she wasn’t it slowly took over her. Its so hard to see everyone else greiving, its like im stuck and I can’t. I dont know if im still in the denial stage or what. I know she is gone but if I grieve for her I feel like then she’s really gone. My Daddy is still here and I live with him. I went through a divorce, had to help take care of my grandaddy her father, then she got sick and thats when it all went down hill from there. I feel like its all a dream. one big bad dream. She was so bright and amazing. I want her to be proud of me. She didnt want us to grieve, she wanted us to celebrate her life. I just feel like im stuck and I cant get anything out. I dont wanna cry infront of my Daddy, I feel like I need to be strong for him. I am just emotionally shut down right now. Will this get better? Can I grieve?
I completely understand what you are going through. When I moved in with my parents at the time my grandmother was diagnosed with Dementia. So I was in between homes for 3 years. I had to help with my grandma and help with mom. She asked me to because she could not. So when my grandmother passed away my time was filled with my mom. I say you can grief. I feel like last night was the first time I had really broke down. It was so hard. But every one says it will get better but I can’t imagine when. You need to grief…
Loosing a loved one especially a beloved mother has much bearing on the heart and soul of the one left behind. I lost my mother a few days ago and being an only child, the grief is overwhelming, like a perennially flooded river with no signs of ceasing. I can still see my mother everywhere, what her responses would be to my questions, how she would joke about every little thing, sharing little gossips, her routines, my routines coupled with her’s. How she would react to my mischiefs.. It’s difficult to battle it out alone and on one will understand my pain at her demise. Even if they do, it can never be compared to that of her daughter. I am sure it will be the same for all like me. I am going to miss her at church, at home, at my wedding when it happens and all events after that. I thought my mum was a rock who could not be shattered or grow old or become sickly and live for at least a 120. But God has such plans that run parallel to our dreams. Sometimes, I questioned God – Why God, where you not there seeing me beside mum when she slept forever?, Did you not think about my predicament?, Did you think that I would let her go that easily? Did not not think about my future? Whatever are the pains that I am going to experience, alone, when you take her away – Did you not know? Did you want me to punish me by taking my mum away for the sins I committed?… Sometimes, I ask my mum through tears – Mummy, why didn’t you ask God for more time? Was his beckoning too irresistible that you forgot me beside your bed? Did you say ‘yes’ to God’s call back home? Mum, did you forget me? Did you want to go and not partake some more in my life?… But I know my questions will never be answered.I will never know what the answers are untill my own time comes to say goodbye.
Most time, I regret – as mum used to say ‘ Regrets come later in life’… I regret that I did not take even greater care of her, that I was not aware of when exactly God called her back, that I should have expressed more love that having the usual bickerings between mother and daughter, that I should have hugged her and kissed her more and shown that I loved her dearly, that I should have taken more of her videos, more photos, more time spent with her talking to her that doing my own thing… But the truth is that God took her. I will not feel her once strong hands holding mine to support herself, I will not hear her sweet voice calling out my name again and again esp, during her hospitalization, I will never be able to listen to her wit, humour, jokes, pet names, opinions, debates and advice, I will never be able to sit down with her and pray every evening like we used to… I will never see those bright eyes again which always looked dearly at me, or that smile that showed her pride of me, or her soft hair which I could take liberty and style it. I will miss my sweet mother forever… I used to pray – God, I am not looking for any materials she has left behind, I am missing her very presence in my daily life. Oh God, cuddle her, who is now in the company of Dad in heaven and keep them forever in Your presence and may they always pray for me. Like my mum wrote in her diary – in the event of my death, keep God in the first place in your heart and pray well. God’s hand and blessings will forever be with you if you do the right thing.
I pray for all the dearest mothers and fathers departed from earth, that God grants them eternal rest and peace and strength to those of theirs left behind to complete their own life journeys. God bless you all!
Dearest Deepa,
That’s so beautiful. You will see her in heaven and it will be the grandest reunion that we can’t even imagine.
Myrna
My mom passed away this past March. I was recovering from a broken back at the time. I was living with her and sadly she died in front of me at the hospital. I called 911 but I was to late, which I can not forgive myself for. Our mother daughter relationship goes a lot deeper than most. It’s to deep to explain, I can say my entire 32yrs on this earth has been spent with my mother and now she’s gone, I feel like half of me died with her. I had back surgery in may, I was in a car accident in June which broke my leg, foot, heel and shattered my kneecap. So dealing with a broken back and dealing with everything else that’s broken is a challenge every day, having to deal with my physical challenges on top of losing my mom is by far the hardest thing anyone can go through. Losing a child would be just as horrible as this, I hope God isn’t that cruel to me, I feel like I’ve been punished by God and I don’t know what I did so bad that my back broke during a seizure, I find out I have epilepsy, I have deadly blood clots in my legs, my mom’s sister, my aunt passed away a week after I come home from the hospital, my mom dies 6 weeks after my aunt, I had back surgery in may and survived a deadly car accident which has left me disabled in a cast. All of this happened between December through June. In 6 months I’ve survived things that I’m still trying to understand. Not having my mom here to comfort me, talk, yell, laugh with me and at me is absolutely the worst and most hurtful thing I have had to deal with. I love and miss my mom so much it’s literally hard to breathe. The pain is so unreal I will spend my life trying to cope and pretend to smile and laugh so people don’t know I really want to scream and yell and cry. This is my life since my mom left, I feel cheated because I wasn’t finished loving her……so unfair!!!!
My_Mommy_Was_Murdered_June_21_2014_By_A_21_year_old_Punk_And_I_Miss_her_So_Much____:(
Hi, my mum passed away on the 21/09/2015 from ovarian cancer, and also had a clot on her lung. The cancer had spread to all her organs. She too went quickly. She turned 63 on 17/09/2015. I am 38 years old. thank you everyone for sharing your pain, I see myself in each experience. I too feel the awful pain of loss. she was my everything and we were close. I cry everyday and whisper I miss you Mum. She was the best mom, always caring, always putting others first. we never knew how bad her condition was and yet still in her pain she continued to give of herself. I am praying and trusting in God to soften the pain as it truly runs deep. I too wish for her to come back, long for her to call my name, or just to hug me. I miss her.
Hello my name is Eloisa and I am having a hard time with the passing of my mother she died on August 22 2015 so I can’t seem to do anything without remembering thing and then I start to cry and I just can’t get passed it. I have 5 sisters and I always call them to see if they are feeling the same way and they tell me they have there good days and there bad days but for some reason I can’t let go.I was very close to my mother she was 84 years old and very sick and mentally I knew it was better for her to go but the selfish part of me wanted her to stay. I told my sisters I think I would be ok if I knew she was ok that’s all I want to know she’s OK .I miss her dearly and cry for her every day and night I know this is not healthy for me can anyone help?
Hi Eloisa –
I think that this IS healthy for you. You need to acknowledge your grief, otherwise it just gets stuck. I believe that your mom, as mine who died on 7/31, is ok. I also think our moms would want us to be happy, but that said, I also think we need to cry and be sad, so long as we are still able to care for ourselves (and this is a form of care).
Read my post from 10/17. Know that grieving is a healthy thing and I am betting that it will not last forever. Your loss is still very fresh. What you are experiencing is NORMAL and GOOD. Like I said below, the worst part for me is getting to a place where I feel I’m beginning to recover and put things behind me and get on with it, then I wake up and the grief feels as fresh as it did the day she died. But I am hoping This too shall pass.
Best wishes to you.
i lost my best friend ,my guardian angel and my mother on my birthday 21/2/14 still awake up screaming her name .Miss you Mum .the happiness and joy to be in your arms can’t be replaced by anything . A part of me died with you and a part of you will live with me till i am alive. To all the people who share the blog i feel your pain .God be with us and the Angels watch over all our mothers with same love and compassion as they watched us .
AMEN
I just recently lost my mom back in February this year from cancer and then 8 months before her passing was my nan and she passed from cancer as well and I haven’t dealt with the loss I’m starting to find it hard to come to terms with it cause I was so close to my mom when I’m alone and start thinking about her I cry and when I talk about her I honestly don’t know how to deal with it at all and when I do I’m scared of myself cause of my past
I just lost my Mom after a long fight with Alzheimer’s. I thought I would be ready. I was not and am not. I find myself sobbing hysterically with no warning. Even though I had a lot of time to prepare, I still find myself with a broken heart. I know this too shall pass, but right now I feel like I have no protection or buffer.
Hi Jennifer, just read your words, ” I thought I would be ready. I was not and am not. I find myself sobbing hysterically with no warning. Even though I had a lot of time to prepare, I still find myself with a broken heart. I know this too shall pass, but right now I feel like I have no protection or buffer”. I too am in the same place. I lost my mom in December. It hurts. I try to keep busy and fill my time with positive friends and activities. Not easy, but it helps keep my mind occupied.
Thank you all who posted your stories. Each one of them is touching and they let me know that in the myriad of things that I’m going through, dealing with and feeling, I’m not alone or abnormal.
My mother died 9/11/2015 after a 5 year battle with cancer. I live 800 miles from my parents home so I wasn’t able to be with her as often as I would have liked. I did in the last 3 months of her life spend several weeks with her. It was comforting to be there and take care of her. My mom loved her kids, grandkids and great grandkids and always enjoyed their presence. On the evening she died, we all gathered, prayed, and said our goodbyes. We played games with the children and as she took her last breath I hope she was comforted by the laughter of her family.
In the days after her passing things were busy making arrangements. My brother and I shared memories and tried to be there for our dad. I thought I was grieving, but it wasn’t until I returned home that the real flood of grief hit me. I find myself unable to sleep at night because my dreams are disturbing. I try to control when and how I allow myself to cry because my fiancé doesn’t handle my crying very well. He wants to fix what is unfixable. I’m having a hard time but it seems I’m not alone.
Dianne
Ur not alone… I lost my best friend in Feb of 2001 I was 30yrs old at the time. I am so lost without my mother I don’t no what to do… Her passing sucked the life right out of me… It’s hard to laugh or smile anymore. I try to stay strong for my 2 boys that are 24 an 18 now but it’s so so hard… Even they say mom ur not same person u used to be… An I’m not.. I miss her terribly an cry all the time.( I’m crying as I type ) my life will never be the same… I have no motivation to do anything anymore an I don’t no how to fix it. Her death took the life out of me… She was only 54yrs old an she was the best mother a girl could ever ask for. I wi never ever be that happy go lucky girl again that felt like she can accomplish anything an having no fear of nothing… Now I’m just a shell waiting to die jus to be with her again… An I feel guilty feeling this way because of my boys BUT that’s how I feel… It does not get better as the days an yrs go by. I miss my mommy an want a hug from her so she can tell me babygirl everything is going to be ok?? I miss you mom?
Wow – so grateful to have found this page! I guess we should all be thankful that we had the type of relationship with our mom that we did, otherwise we probably wouldn’t feel so bereft. But it sure is HARD. Really really hard. I lost my 82-yrs-young mom on 7/31. She had gone through a number of health setbacks and had been battling chronic spinal stenosis and disc degeneration/scoliosis for years. Then she had some other health issues that resulted in an emergency surgery in April from which she never really bounced back. I feel glad that I have very few regrets about this year – I was there with her in January, helped her get back to her home town where she visited friends. I was back again in April after her emergency surgery when everything was touch and go. I was there shortly after her release from rehab in June, and my brother and SIL came out the following week right after I left. I believe in retrospect that she was in the beginning active stages of dying when we were there, but we (and she) refused to see or admit or accept it. We all thought that her staying in bed (back pain) and no appetite, no energy were all due to her age and her body taking longer to recover from such a major trauma. Only in hindsight can I see things as they really were. I wish I had known, but then again, knowing but not being able to do anything to change it might have been harder anyway. She gradually became weaker and malnourished and dehydrated, then a bit delirious and incoherent, and the day after my brother and I convinced her to go back into hospital to get fluids, she had a major episode of seizure, lost consciousness, and never woke up. My brother and I flew in the day after it happened. We KNOW she knew we were there. She passed into wherever we all will go five days later. We were there at her bedside when she departed.
The worst thing for me is the unpredictability of the grief, and depression, and sleeplessness. I am now to the point where I will feel more or less okay one day, or one hour, and then the next feel like I am in a pit of hopelessness. I have left my job. My mom was my closest friend. We spoke at least every other day on the phone while she was ill, since February, and at least twice a week before that. It’s a huge hole in my life and my heart.
Sorry this has turned into a mini-novel. The control freak side of me that wanted everything to happen tidily has been smacked upside the head by the reality that life is hardly ever controllable. And that includes getting through the grief and finding peace and acceptance. I hope it happens someday, for all of us. Thank you all for sharing your stories. It helps to know we’re not alone in our feelings after losing the ONLY person in our lives (except maybe for our dads, but not the case with me) who was always UNCONDITIONALLY on our side and had our back. I will miss that forever and ever.
hlo im 26 and i lost my mother to lung cancer 3 months ago nw im nt myself anymore
I lost my mom to brain mets from lung cancer one month ago. She didn’t even smole. Things will never be the same, yes the one true best friend whose only job to love you is the hardest part. My mom was such a sweet sweet woman to everyone she encountered. As an only child, I never saw this one coming, oh my sweet sweet mommy I miss you so!
I lost my Mother December 12, 2014 to pancreatic cancer. 32 days later on January 13, 2015 which was Mother’s Birthday, my Dad passed away. It has been a rough 10 months, I still don’t like being in crowds, and a huge part of my heart went with them. People say call if you need me but I find that hard to do. My friends before all this happened don’t call. I have support from my sister and brother and most of all God has helped me through it but still have emotional days. This is a new journey for me and wonder sometimes when will it get easier, but taking one day at a time.
I lost my lovely mum on August 6, she had a long drawn out illness and it was awful to see someone go through what she did. I just can’t get past feeling so angry – I feel she was failed so many times in hospital. Relatives – cousins and aunts/ uncles just seem to want to tell me how they are feeling and my other half seems to think I should be over this already. I’m just devastated. I had cancer surgery 3 weeks after she died – she was going to come with me for it. Going through that without having my mum was really tough. I’m just wondering if anyone has any tips as to how to move on.
Dear Amanda,
I’m so sorry for your loss. There really wasn’t any help for me when I lost my Mom. I did seek counseling and he helped me with all of the ‘what if’s’ and ‘i should have’s’ concerning my Mom. The pain is so raw and so devastating. You will have to go through it. I do want you to know that it does get easier with the passage of time, but the scar remains forever and the wound sometimes breaks open again. When people would tell me that time will heal the wound, i thought when? It’s going to take forever. Know that we are all here with you in spirit and feel your pain. Please talk to someone to at least try and help you through the utter raw, devastating pain that you are dealing with at this time.
God bless you!
Hi everyone,
Thank you everyone for posting reading everyone’s comments keeps me going everyday but I was hoping for some advice. 3 months ago I lost my mum unexpectedly 2 weeks before my wedding day. It was a terrible time but we went ahead with the wedding and I am trying to carry on but I can’t. The next big step is children, something we talked about all the time before the wedding with my mum who was so excited to be a grandmother. The thought of having children now without her by my side terrifies me. Since she has been gone although I have carried on I feel like I am just patiently waiting for the day I die so I can be with her again, I worry how I will feel if I have a child and would hate to have a child still feeling this way. I know there is no answer but does anyone have any advice on what to do?
Thanks
Leanne
Leanne –
I am so very sorry to hear of your loss. I too lost my mom about 3 months ago, and I can’t even imagine what it would have been like to have to get married right after that. You probably still haven’t even had time to process the loss of your mom, much less deal with the fallout from it.
I hope that your feelings of wanting to die will decrease then disappear with time. One thing that people have been telling me that might help you is that even though your mom is physically gone she lives on, in you and through you. And she will continue to do so through your children whether or not they are related to her by blood.
The only answer, really, is time. And maybe therapy. Talking to someone helps, but sometimes friends or family or even spouse is not enough.
Peace to you.
I feel when my Mom died three years ago, part of me died with her.
My husband says I chose to die with her. What kind of person does that, says that?
I read an interesting point, which is that your personality is unique depending on each person in your life. You are not the same person with your husband as you are with your mother. Nor are you the same person with your mother as you are with your best friend. Part of what makes losing someone important to you so difficult is that when they die, so does that one unique “you”. You will never be the person you were to your mother again. And that’s very sad. A significant part of you died the day your mother passed. You are grieving that as well. God bless, I hope this explanation helps, and maybe it will help you explain what you’re going through to your husband.
Wow, Mary, I love that explanation, and I had never thought of myself and her death being related in that way. It’s such a profound and helpful way of looking at one’s loss. I mean, we all (or most of us) say “part of me died when my mom died,” but it’s true that really, a whole ‘me’ died.
Thank you for your kind words.
I lost my mom on May 3, 2015. She lived with me and I was her caregiver. A day doesn’t go by that I don’t cry alone. He has been wonderful, but I don’t want my husband to see how sad I still am. I feel lost and alone.
I lost my mom on August 24, 2015 after finding out 2 months before that she had pancreatic cancer. It is useless to say that we were best friends and talked 1-2 times a day on the phone and that her opinion in every aspect of my life mattered the most. I am still in shock, i just feel like I’ve lost a part of me, everything that was good in my life has gone. Two 2 days before she died I got married (it was her wish to continue with the wedding plans) and she followed the religious ceremony on Skype from the hospital. It was at the same time the most heartbreaking thing I had to do but also my happiest day in life. I am very grateful that I could give her one last joy (she had always wanted for me to get married). But now that time passes by, I feel like nothing matters anymore, without her. I am frustrated that I couldn’t save her.
I am 47 and my mom my best friend my everything died when I was 21 it still hurts to this day I miss her so much I will never be the same person I gave up everything I lost everything and I have built this wall so when I start feeling close to someone I intentionally make them go away Why Because I feel theat they will leave me to I was mad at my mom for leaving me I felt she abandoned me but I know she wasn’t her doing I just carry her with me Wherever I go I Cause believe it or not she’s with me 24/7 I feel her presence I smell her Mother’s is The best thing a girl could ever have their always there
I know how everyone here feels I lost my mom 2/28/09 the absolute worst day of my life. It has been almost 7 years and still hurts everyday. I just can’t seem to get a grip on life without her. Everything is so different without her around, and certain days like anniversaries, her birthday, Christmas, my birthday, Thanksgiving, I wish I could just skip over them but then on the other hand I guess I don’t want to get over the pain either. I don’t know why I do it to myself but I go over and over the day she passed in my head I think trying to find something maybe I could have done. My dad passed 20 years ago and it was hard on me but not even close to the horrible heartbreak of losing my mom.
My mother died nearly 30 years ago, I was 19. Her death devastated me and I’ve never got over it. I suffer from low self esteem and have made some bad life choices that I would never have done had she lived. It never got any better for me with the passing of time but I suppose that I’ve learned to live with it, I really don’t have any choice.
I’m 10 years old and my mom passed away with cancer also. I was four at the time and it’s been hard but I know what it like, my mom died 6 years ago also I know it doesn’t sound like I’m trying to help but I just want you to know your not alone.
WOW! Reading everyone’s stories and losses makes me feel connected to all of you. I lost my mom Sept 4/14. She had dementia for a couple of years and I looked after her. It was THE hardest thing to watch my strong, independent mom end up not knowing me, my daughter, my husband or anyone. Her health failed quickly and I had no choice but to put her in a nursing home because she needed 24 hour care. My dad died in 1994 and that left me to look after her. The last year of my mom’s life was NOT easy for her. I would walk in to the home and she would have all of her stuff packed up to go “home”. Some days I would be her “mother”, her “sister” and a stranger. The last week was terrible. Her breathing was so labored. I knew she was struggling. The night before she passed away she turned her head and looked at me. It was as though she knew who I was and that I was there with her like I always had been. I squeezed her hand and told her I would be ok and for her to go meet dad. She died an hour later with me beside her. She WAS my best friend. She was a best friend to my daughter and she was a great mother-in-law to my husband. Everyone that knew her loved her. She had a super sense of humor, a huge heart and was always there for me. When she took her last breath I fell to the floor and lost a piece of my heart. I didn’t want to leave her room cause I knew – I wouldn’t be able to touch her or see her smile or hear her voice EVER again. I am in tears right now as I am writing this. A year is a long time to some people but, it feels like it was yesterday to me. I have a great husband and daughter but, I feel so alone. We take our parents for granted when we are younger. A song, a smell, a quote, a movie, a place ….. anything can trigger the tears and they flow and flow. To say I miss my mom is an understatement. Christmas is around the corner and I want to get under the covers and sleep it away. Most of my friends have both parents and it is very hard for them to understand the emptiness and loneliness I feel even though I have my husband and daughter who love me deeply. I really don’t think “time will heal” as I have heard from some people. I am really struggling with these feelings. I am so glad I found this site to share my feelings and have people understand and not judge.
I understand completely how you feel and what you are and will continue to go through. I lost my mom August 3rd of this year. She had never been sick a day in her life, attended my oldest daughter’s wedding on June 20th, and 3 days later became ill, found out she had terminal cancer. No one knew. She did not go to doctors, just took care of everyone else. We lost my oldest sister in 2013 and my dad and mom became my main focus and concern. I miss my mom so much and worry about my dad so much as well. I agree with you about the holidays, we got through Thanksgiving and I am worried about Christmas. It sounds like you have a wonderful family and that your mom was just the best. When I get very sad and feel like I can’t breathe, I tell myself that she is in Heaven with my sister and that they don’t want to see me sad or worry about me. I think our moms always want us to be happy. That doesn’t mean we don’t miss them or that our hearts will ever be whole again, I hope you can get some comfort and that all of your wonderful memories of your precious mom get you through the holidays and every day from here on out.
Kellie
Thank you for understanding and the kind words.
I understand how you feel, I have a wonderful husband and son but when I lost my mom 6 years ago I lost myself, I don’t know how to go on without her and don’t really know if I want to at times. I don’t think time heals a loss of a mother I don’t think anything can help the heartache of losing her.
Hi just reading the comments on grieving. My mum passed last week and I feel lost and empty without her. I was with her when she died we had a very special relationship that no one can fill. I know its early days yet I don’t seem to be able to move on with my life as yet. When will it get better. So many things remind me of her. I speak to friends and colleagues and it all comes back again. The funeral was so quick i didn’t have time to think about anything else as the other members of the family wanted the funeral early so they could get back to work. But for t me it was too rushed and now this week it is hitting me hard.
Time does not heal all wounds. All wounds takes time to heal. Well, it has just been over a year since my precious Mama left this God forsaken earth. What she left behind is brokeness. I do find that it is more manageable. But, there is no way that things will ever be the same. There is a permanent void. There is an emptiness. It is still raw and I suspect that it will always be this way. I kept her bottle of perfume and set it on my dresser. Every once in a while when i’m walking through my bedroom, i can smell it. That is a good thing. I still have her hair brush and it still has some of her hair in it.
The trouble that i have is that i’m still stuck on the ‘what ifs’. What if i would have taken her to another Doctor. The regrets. I try not to dwell on any of that because there is nothing that I can do about it. I just miss her so very much and life is just not the same. Now i live life wanting to hurry up and get it over with so that I can join her in heaven. I have the need to get from point a to point b in a hurry. This is a pain like none other and it just won’t go away. Oh, i miss that beautiful beautiful woman.
May God be with each of you who are suffering such a terrible loss.
This is one club that i never wanted to be part of.
I hope that you all have a Merry Christmas.
It is always hard when you loose your mother no matter at what age. I have lost my mother over 35 years and still to this day I get tears. I was 23 years old, my sister 20 and my brother 12 years old. My brother mentioned to me short time ago he is still grieving for our mother. So to make our tragedy worse my brother just lost his wife of of 13 years who died of cancer at the same age as our mother at 44 years old. She left two beautiful daughters 9 and 10 years old. It broke our hearts. It kind happened suddenly as my sister in law was hiding her problem till the end and we only found out a few days before her death. It was a shock for whole family and hit her girls so hard. I will never forget the last minute of her life and the screams from her 2 beautiful girls. I am pouring myself out of crying and can not let go of sadness for the two girls. I know it will affect them deeply as the smaller one was with her as she worked at school. I just do not know what to say to the girls, what to say to my brother i am heart broken. Every family get something like that but it is the hardest for immediate family. Yes everybody else came and left but we are all alone now and I just can not cope with the grief stricken children. The mother would have her birthday in December and then the Holidays coming, how do you cope with that. Can anything save our family from sadness which hangs around like a huge black cloud. Why the past came back again to hurt us so bad just before the Holidays? Why? The girls will be scarred forever, and we do not know what to do.
Susan,
I’m so sorry for your loss, and that of your brother and his girls. I’ve been doing a lot of research because I’m in the process of writing a book about women who have lost their mothers. I found a site that’s called Comfort Zone Camps for kids that is a bereavement camp. Consider sending those girls to one of those camps. I understand they are free because the donors give money. It could help them immensely. I lost my mom when I was only seven and in those days nothing like that was available. I was from a stoic background and I was just supposed to get over it. Also please go to my Facebook site, called “Daughters of Hope” with my name, and join in the conversation. I hope you have all healed some since this post. God’s blessings to all of you.
Myrna
I’m so glad I just happened to find this site today. It’s December 09, 2015 and my mom passed away on Sept. 11, 2015.. Its been almost 3 month’s and I am grieving myself too death.. I’ve lost 17 lb.s and just don’t feel “right” physically nor mentally. I’ve withdrawn completely from everything. I don’t have many friends and the man I’ve been in a relationship with for the past 11 yr’s just doesn’t seem to get it either.. I just feel so alone even though I have a sister who is younger than me, it’s like it’s something she chooses to close off and never speaks about it even though it has deeply hurt her also.. I just don’t know where to turn, who to turn to, how to get rid of this emptiness I feel inside, this darkness that lives inside me, how to go on and live each and every day. It’s almost like I died too the day she passed and I don’t know what to do. I was the only child for 12 years and then my sister came along so in a way it’s like I was an only child since I was never able to have children and my sister has 2 children my mother and I were so close. She and I lived together and after she retired she became ill. I was her only caretaker the last 3 yr’s of her life, we got to be the closest of friends but it was like the roles were reversed, almost as if I was the mother and she was the child since I did everything for her. I do not regret one thing I did for my mother. She was the sweetest person anyone could ever meet and that is how everyone that knew her describes her. She never had a bad word to say about anyone, it’s like she always put herself in the shoes of others and taught me how to do the same. I did not want my mom to suffer as she did the last 3 yr.’s of her life but I don’t know how to go on without her. I feel numb inside and I keep hearing “It will get better with time” but I often wonder if it will.. I feel I desperately need help but I live in such a small town there is no real help out there. That is why I turned here, grasping for answers or the reasons to go on myself. If anyone can help I would be forever in your debt, I do see a psychiatrist regularly but all he does is throw prescription’s at me and I’m all ready living in a fog of grief. The pills just make me sleep and the problem is still there when I wake up but even worse so because I truly just do not know how to even begin to deal with them
I’m so sorry for your loss. Perhaps you can try to do some things to keep your mind off of it. Volunteer in her honor. Maybe you can turn your grief into something positive through which your mother’s memory can live on.
Of course I understand that’s all easier said than done. Also consider switching psychiatrists because it doesn’t seem that the current one understands your needs
Hi Pamela and others who have lost your mother,
I lost my mother when she was only 57 and I had just turned 35. The pain of losing her was so sharp that I felt the pain would never go away. How can people who knew her continue with their lives as though all was normal? The sun came up each day and daily routines continued but I felt like I was the only one standing still.
I’m sorry to say there are no quick remedies. I don’t agree that people die “for a reason” and their death is “for the best.” Just as Lisa advised us that there was no better place for her but here with her children, our mothers would rather be here with us too. Death is cruel and non-discriminating. It doesn’t seek to teach us a lesson or enable us to be better people. We can learn those things with our loved ones here, where we can hug them and tell them that we love them… once more.
I cannot promise you when the pain will ease up but only that it does. You will eventually be able to talk about her without breaking down. You will be able to think about her without your heart breaking. While the sharpness of the pain wears off you will always long for her and miss her. But that is okay. You can get through this. We all lose our mothers eventually and the pain you feel is a tribute to the relationship you had with her. She did a wonderful job of teaching you to cherish those you love. Welcome to this terrible club. We all feel your pain.
-Tai
such beautiful words…thank you xo
I lost my mother in September 2014. She was 53 and died of cancer, but unexpectedly because we all thought she would beat it (she beat it the first time in 2003). I am 24 and the grief is difficult of course but I have a very close family and two wonderful sisters which makes it easier. The hardest part is worrying about my dad, and trying to sort of “fill in” for my mother by doing the shopping, cooking, etc. Not that Dad asks my sister and me to do it, we just wouldn’t have it any other way. Sometimes I feel resentment that I am young and not married and I don’t think I should have to worry so much about what to make for dinner, is it healthy, how’s Dad’s cholesterol? And I wonder if I’m doing the right thing or if I should let him be so maybe he can move on and take care of himself… The most ironic part is damn it would be nice to get Mom’s opinion.
Does anyone have a similar experience or advice?
I just lost my mom on December 8, 2015 the day before my birthday. I feel completely devastated and lost. I am having trouble eating and sleeping. My mother battled cancer for about 5 years. I know that she is in a better place but I can’t cope with the fact that I can’t see or talk to her anymore. I have an amazing husband and 2 incredible boys who have been by my side through it all. As Christmas aproaches (her favorite time of year), I know that I need to suck it up for my family. How do I do this? I feel like I walk around in a trance. My world has changed, like a piece of my heart is gone. I never thought I could feel this type of pain and heartache. How do I go on and feel normal.
Hi I’m Callie. And I lost my mom this morning and I don’t know what to tell you but just know that your family will not expect you to suck it up. You need to make sure you don’t suck it up because of you do than you won’t be letting your true emotions out and that will just make matters worst. I am very sorry for your loss. ( I know how sick you probably are of hearing that. Trust me I am too! )
I have not lost my mom yet the doctors are giving her to the end of the year. I’m already a mess, she was diagnosed with cervical cancer 3 years ago, and she has been fighting from that day the cancer would just keep popping up in a different place, Now I want this woman who has been through so many things in her life in pain and sick to her stomach everyday. I’m so angry that I can not function, I want answers and I no I will never get them. I want to be there for her and my sister but feel like I’m stuck and can not move. I want to celebrate her but the only emotion that comes up for me is anger and sadness I just want it to stop. If anyone can help please do I’m at a loss.
I have anger also but I have lost my mom, I start counseling tomorrow because I have so much anger, sadness and emptiness and have for the past 6 years since I lost my precious mother. I would recommend getting into see a counselor and enjoy your mom as long as you have her because life is not the same without them. I have been to counseling before and it seems to help a small amount although nothing takes the hurt and pain away it does help get through the day without breaking down or it use to hopefully it will again.
thank you I have put a call in yesterday to see someone I wish you the best.
I’m 12 and my mom died this morning. It was very sudden. She wasn’t even sick. She went to the bathroom and passed out. They tried to revive her at the hospital but it didn’t work. My mom had abused my sister and I in the past and I had always wanted her to be out of my life and just a few months ago she had told my dad that she wanted to give up her parental rights to me. ( because my parents are divorced ) I just don’t know how to handle this. I have so many mixed emotions.
Callie, honey…I am so very sorry for your loss and what you are going through.
I hope that you have someone in your life that you can turn to and talk to about this. If not, please seek help. It sounds like you’ve gone through a lot for such a young age.
There are no words, really, for such a loss as this.
I’ll be praying for you, sweetie. I know that some aren’t believers and I respect that.
Again, please seek help.
Hi Callie,
I just left a note on this post as I am so sad. I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your mum. I was 17 when my dad died and I felt so alone, none of my friends had lost anyone close to them and this was my first experience of death too. In hindsight I would have liked someone to talk to and wish I had been offered counselling as it is too much for anyone to go through especially so young.
If I could tell my 17 year old self what to do when my dad died I would tell me to Take the time to do whatever you need to look after yourself, eat, drink water, cry, talk about the sadness, share your feelings openly, stay sober and rest. I would encourage you to say no to things you don’t want to do and go gently, talk with a counsellor. These are all the things I know to do for myself now 28 years later. Debs
I lost my mom 16 years ago on this very day. I was 12 years old at the time, my parents had divorced 2 years prior. Let’s just say our situation when they were still married was horrible. Anyway, I’m still affected to this very day. I’ll smell the perfume she use to wear and I’ll breakdown. I once saw a lady who I swear looked exactly like my mom and I had a breakdown in the middle of the grocery store and this was a year ago. I have so many questions that are left unanswered. I wake up every morning and realize I’m without my rock. It scares me because I sometimes feel like I’m forgetting her laugh, or what she looked like (I only have 1 picture) or the sound of her voice saying anything. Most days it’s hard, today is one of the hardest, I don’t really know how to function on her anniversary. I miss my mom more than I’d miss the air I’m breathing.
I felt comforted reading your posts and thought I would share some of my own deep sadness and heartbreak.
My mum died 13 July 2015. She was an amazing 65 year old woman. She had a major stroke that left her trapped in her body, she experienced a brain bleed three weeks later and died.
I lost my younger brother in 1989 to a drug overdose and my father to suicide in 1988.
I have no other siblings or nieces and nephews and no children of my own as I have lost three pregnancies and my best friend passed away of breast cancer four years ago. I am now 45 years old. I feel overwhelmed by the amount of loss I have experienced over the past 28 years.
I am amazed at how I am able to show up for life and wonder if I am going to feel this numb and disconnected from now on, is this the new normal?
I have an amazing friendship group but am feeling isolated in my pain from them as they all seem to have some kind of “family” connection.
I am sad that this is happenign for me and I am sad it is also happening for you, mum’s are the most precious people in life. When I lay beside mum as she was dying I had no regrets and no guilt, it was the most pure love I have ever felt for anyone.
Debbie
I feel so truly sorry for your losses. I think we need to believe in a higher being otherwise we will go crazy. You have been dealt an horrendous hand. I am sure there is an answer somewhere.
I agree with Michelle, Debs, and I believe we need a higher being called the Lord God, and He is your only hope and stay in the midst of all the losses you have experienced. Wow. You are an amazing person to keep holding on. If you want a community of sisters who have experienced the loss of their mothers, then please try my new fb page, called “Daughters of Hope” with my name. I’m also writing a book about interviews with women who have lost their moms, like I did at the age of seven. She was only 47. It’s not an easy road. God’s blessings on you my dear Debs.
Myrna
i am glad i found this post .. I have been struggling to hang on lately.. I lost my mom to cancer September 8.2015 and was there by her side holding her hand as she took her last breath.. she was sick for a few months before that and it was unbearable for me to see her suffer and in the end she was ready to go and i knew she was in pain and i didnt want that for her but losing her has thrown my world upside down.. I have 3 beautiful girls 10.8.7 that were so close to their nana and she meant the world to them as well and i know i need to be strong for them but recently had my anxiety and panic attacks after years of not having any have returned foll fore and I know the trigger was losing my mom as she was my best friend and the one person that understood me and the calm in my chaos, i feel so lost right now as if nothing makes sense anymore and recently had to go on blood pressure pills because my blood pressure is too high.. i need to find peace in all this and knowing i am not alone and reading other posts have helped a great deal. I know I will miss her always and that will never go away but somehow i need to pull through all this stress and anxiety i am feeling.. any tips on that? thank you so much xoxo
Dear Julie, I lost my mother to metastatic breast cancer on March 14, 2014. I too was by her bedside for 36 hours (we did not know she would go so quickly or we would have discussed palliative care). Watching the body shut down was one of the most horrific yet peaceful things I have witnessed. My husband and twin girls are the only thing that keeps me going. Life is so short, make it count.xxx
Make sure you get some exercise. Walk to the shops or to work or the girls school. Magically helps clear the mind. You will get through this. xxx
thank you michelle.. I appreciate your kind words:-)
My mom died unexpectedly 9 months ago just days before my birthday. It’s just now beginning to hit me in a intense way. I find myself struggling to allow myself to be where I am because so many are uncomfortable with grief and want me to see the silver lining or just move on. Thank you for this article. I am not alone. I mourn what could’ve been.
She died March 12, 2015. Mine and my twin sisters birthday is March 15 and her birthday was March 21. March was a hard month
I lost my mom October 2, 2014, to lung cancer. Everyday I like to think gets easier with time. Luckily I have my Faith in God!! The hardest thing is not reaching for the phone everyday to talk for hours or walking across the street to see her or have coffee. Like most of you, my mom was my best friend!! After my mom passed I found a wonderful poem online and I don’t know the author, but it has helped me so much with my feelings. It is a great reminder of what our mom’s are to us!!
“Your mother is always with you. She’s the whisper of the leaves as you walk down the street. She’s the smell of certain foods you remember, flowers you pick, the fragrance of life itself. She’s the cool hand on your brow when your not feeling well. She’s your breath in the air on a cold winter’s day. She is the sound of rain that lulls you to sleep, the colors of the rainbow; she is Christmas, morning. Your mother lives inside your laughter. She’s the place you came from, your first home, and she’s the map you follow with every step you take. She’s your first love, your best friend, even your first enemy, but NOTHING on earth can separate you, not time, not space…not even death.”
I hope someone else can find as much comfort in this as I did!!
I want you all to know that I am here for you and that I understand perfectly what you are going through. After a couple of months since my Mom passed away (August 2015), I came across to this poem, and I find it a little bit comforting as somehow in my mind, Mom was telling me those words (because all her life she struggled to make me feel better, to encourage me and to protect me):. So here it is:
Death is nothing at all.
I have only slipped away to the next room.
I am I and you are you.
Whatever we were to each other,
That, we still are.
Call me by my old familiar name.
Speak to me in the easy way
which you always used.
Put no difference into your tone.
Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.
Laugh as we always laughed
at the little jokes we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me. Pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word
that it always was.
Let it be spoken without effect.
Without the trace of a shadow on it.
Life means all that it ever meant.
It is the same that it ever was.
There is absolute unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind
because I am out of sight?
I am but waiting for you.
For an interval.
Somewhere. Very near.
Just around the corner.
All is well.
I can telate to everyone’s feelings on this post. My mom passed away ten years ago and sometimes it still feels like yesterday. I was three months shy of my 23rd birthday when she passed, and it was right before the holidays. The only thing that I can think of that makes me smile about the time we knew she wasn’t coming back home was the fact that she made it to my graduation. She was so proud of me, so i carry that moment in my heart. I still cry, not as often as I use too. I suffered from depression for many years, was jealous of the relationship that friends and relatives had with their moms. It took place for seven years to br exact but i have learned that life must go on the way she would have wanted. I have two children and a husband and either of them met her, but when I talk to them about her they understand what type of person she was. I miss her still and always will. A mother’s love can never be replaced, and will always be apart of our daily lives.
I lost my mom over last year its to hard for me to loses my mom I’m thirteen years old
So glad to hear I am not alone. My mom died just over a month ago. I have been numb, just getting through the day as I am the mother of 2 kids (1 high maintenance!0 and a husband who is not always compassionate. So I am missing the woman who knew me, who was there for me, who was the BFF that mostly knew when I needed her, yet didn’t interfere when she sensed she wasn’t wanted. She was my rock, I will and do miss her every day. Yes, the pain is there. I am mostly right now feeling exhausted. I still have not had what I call “the Big Cry” yet – lots of little ones, but I guess I keep a stiff upper lip and carry on, just as my mom always did. She was amazing – did what she had to do as a divorced woman with 2 kids in the 1970s. She did everything for us, I am just mad at myself for not showing her how much I appreciate it. One day at a time, although it is hard to focus sometimes. I am going to a bereavement support group. It helps a little.
I to had a strong Mom. We don’t walk around and cry, we are stong. Everyone grieves differently in their own time and way!! Be thankful that you have a family to keep you busy. I do beleive that after someone passes if we continue to grieve for too long that we are being selfish. The man upstairs has something bigger waiting for us when it is our time, know that you will be with your Mom again. Be the amazing person that you are, just like your mom would want you to be!! It is ok to carry on and enjoy life, and I am sure your mom knew how much you did appreciate her!! So keep that stiff upper lip and carry on, just like your Mom would. See even when they are gone we can still learn from them :)!!
I’m so sorry Christian. It’s so hard to lose a mom. My mom died when I was only seven, and she was 47. You never really get over it, you get through it. Please seek out family and friends to talk to, and get counseling if you can. It will really help you as you progress through your life. There are camps that I found, called Comfort Zone camps. They are offered around the country free, because donors give money. See if someone can set you up to go to one of those. Wish those would have been offered to me when I was a kid. I cannot tell from your name or comment if you’re male or female, I’m sorry. But know that there are countless people who have been through this and really care about you.
My mom died in November and I’m very sad. I miss her. Desperately. I can’t work or sleep. And part of me doesn’t want to. To go on as normal feels wrong.
My Mom when was died I’m also died I miss my Mom so much, my my get everything from me but now I just pray the god I want to died and I’m join with my Mom I can’t never lived without my Mom
My mom died on december 31st, 2003 from cancer. I was 5 years old. Its been 12 years and i am 17 now, but the grief is unbearable sometimes. One keeps thinking how would my life be if she were here? Or how would i be as a teenager, if my mother was alive? I miss her so much, even though i didnt have enough time to know her. I still dont know how to live without her, after all these years. The pain is so strong. I wish she could come back
I lost my mum suddenly about 2 months ago on Diwali. She was 61, healthy and my pillar. Indeed, it’s true that grieve hits you unexpectedly. It’s a cycle. It hits you when you least expect it. Everyone around me keeps talking about moving on and being strong. It’s not that easy. I try very hard to keep myself together for my child, dad and brother. However hard I try, the pain is still there constantly. Sleepless nights and surfing the Internet is what I am doing too. It feels consoling to read similar feelings and experiences of others.
PLEASE EXCUSE MY CAPS I’M LEGALLY BLIND. MY MOM DIED 3 MONTHS AGO . I’M STILL HURTING AND ANGRY ABOUT THE EVENTS THAT LED TO HER DEATH.THE LAST THING SHE SAID TO MY FIANCÉ WAS TAKE CARE OF HER (ME) BUT HE DOESN’T KNOW WHAT TO DO TO HELP ME. I’M 53 AND I FEEL LIKE A YOUNG CHILD WHO’S PARENTS ARE GONE FOREVER. I BURIED MY PARENTS 6YRS APART IN THE SAME MONTH. NO ONE GETS WHY I’M NOT GETTING OVER THIS AND MOVING ON WITH LIFE AND GETTING MARRIED.
Hello. I lost my mom Feb 2007. It really is the most empty feeling I’ve had to live with. We all are feeling the same way. I hope we all can find some comfort and support in our messages. If you can find someone to talk to I found that it really does help. Our moms leave a powerful imprint in our hearts. I have her with me everyday. God Bless our Moms!
My mother died on June ,2011. I miss her so much she was my best friend we would see each other every day talk on the phone a least 10 a day. I’m really lost with out her I cry every day my dad lives with me I love him but he is not my mother.i feel so alone and in loved . I is her so much that it hurts. I keep saying why my mom. It would of been easier if I died so I wouldn’t feel this pain everyday. I’m so empty. I can’t believe I will never see her or talk to her or hug her again life will never be the same I hate my life now. No one in my family understands me like my mother they just say I’m crazy I have to let go but I cant. I have a 15 year old daughter and it seems like she doesn’t understand why I’m sad and still cry. I guess because we aren’t close she is more close to her dad but me and her dad have been apart for years but he lives with us and doesn’t support her or me. I was always the worker and he was Mr mom I guess.i love my daughter so much but she is so cruel to me which makes me drift away from her. I’m depressed and sad always . Thank you
Michelle, I read your post and can definitely relate. I have a 17 yr old daughter who I am not close with, even though her Dad and I are together. She is just plain cruel to me. And I know to stay away from the mean kids – that is what my own mother taught me. My younger (14) daughter is calm, easy going, and at least listens to me. But I have to separate my pain from losing my mom with the pain in my relationship with my daughter. Try a bereavement support group (often free through hospitals or Hospice services). Try a new club or activity – join a club or fitness class. Do something positive for yourself, because when your 15 yo sees you as strong, happy, confident, and having fun, she may S L O W L Y see you differently.
My mother died on June 4, 2011 my life isn’t the same a piece of me died with her. I still cry every day I feel so alone and empty . My mother was my best friend and my anchor. My dad lives withe and I love him but he just isn’t my mother he just doesn’t understand me at all. I have a 15 year old daughter that finds me crying ever day and can’t understand she tells me that my mother would want me to be happy and go on but I just can’t seem to go on I’m sad I think of my mom all the time I would see her everyday and we would talk on the phone e at least 10 times or more. She had colon cancer then lung cancer . My family new she was dieing but they didn’t tell me but my mom would but I didn’t believe her when she died me and my sister washed her up and but lotion on her she was getting cold and stiff I felt her presence over my shoulder while putting lotion on her legs and feet she was watching me her soul had left her body already Im guessing. I was so mad at god for taking her away from me I still ask him why . I want to say I understand all of you ladies and your pain it’s the worst pain that I have ever had and I know it will never go away. I wish I had died and not my mom because then I wouldn’t have to feel this pain .I miss her so much it hurts mom just know that I will always love you. It’s so horrible to know that I will never see or talk to her ever death is so final. I’m 52 years old and I wasn’t ready to loose her I never would o been ready
Death is final, however if you felt her soul was watching over you, you know their is something more!! I also know the pain to well, my Mom passed October 2015 from Lung cancer. Your daughter is so right, you not only deserve to be happy but have to realize that is what your mom would want you to do! Don’t feel guilty living life, obviously your Mom was a great Mom, don’t miss being out on your own daughter!! Although our Mom is not with you now, she has taught you so much about life! Live life!! My favorite saying is “Your born, you live, you die, what you do in between is up to you”!! I wish you the best, I know it hurts, and it is ok. You will never forget your Mom, she will for ever be a part of you!!
I just lost my mother 3 weeks ago..The last time I telephoned, the nurse said
she could,nt come to the phone as she was too sick, but the nurse held the phone up saying she could hear, just unable to answer. I was able to say a few words
so in that way I was able tsay goodbye. I,mdoing quite well, but the I,d
hear or see something and Id tear up.It will just take time
My mom died July 2007. I still cry horribly at times. Although the pain is not daily, the hurt is felt all the time. I’m 45 years old and have a fiance and child she never met. I struggle with this all the time. Even after all these years I still cry like a baby when I think too hard about her or have a bad day. I wish there were words I could say to make anyone else get through it easier but I don’t. I still struggle and I still have terrible days. I’m so sorry for anyone that goes through this, it never seems fair and sometimes I’m just damn angry. Sorry to vent, it must be one of those days.
We all have those days, and those feelings (which hit us at the worst possible moments, or our worst moments). Know that she is looking down on you, and you are not alone!
I am sitting at work crying once again, feeling lost and hopeless without my mom. I lost her the day before Thanksgiving 11/25/15 and although I was holding her hand at the end of her very short battle with lung cancer, I will feel forever disappointed and angry with myself for telling her I was too exhausted to listen to her when she wanted to talk in the middle of the night, which ended up being her last few lucid days. She was sick for about 2 months, but was only diagnosed 2 1/2 weeks before she died. I was with her most of the last 5 weeks, but know that there were so many times that my impatience and frustration won out over the deep love I felt for her. I didn’t tell her that I had divorced and that I was planning on starting over in a place in which she would be able to join me. I’m 48 and don’t really have a plan now…. I miss my mom.
In December, I lost my own mom to lung cancer as well, and I am 50 yrs old. As a busy mom, visiting my mom and overseeing her care became one more thing on my to do list and I saw her 4-5x a week for the last 3 months of her life. It was exhausting. You hit my feelings emotionally – my “impatience and frustration won out over the deep love I felt for her”. It’s hard. But she is watching over you. Work through your feelings – it takes time – and let yourself be free and focused on building the positive life you deserve. Divorcing, losing a loved one and making a move are major stresses so of course you are exhausted. I wish you peace, happiness, and success in your new venture. Your mom will always be in your heart to give you strength.
I took care of my dad with Alzheimer’s and my Mom with COPD and dementia for years. Dad died in Nov. 2012 and Mom died Jan 1 of this year. I so totally understand when you say “impatience and frustration won out…” I was exhausted and scared, which led to my being not as kind as I wish I could have been. I had too much on my plate. I look back and know I was giving the best I had, but the regret is there nonetheless. I try not to let the guilt consume me. I am having a hard day today and found this page and am glad I did. My heart is just broken over the hard life Mom had and what I wish would have been. I love you, Mom.
I lost my Mama ,October 17,2012,to terminal bone cancer. She was the first person in my family to ever have cancer.It started out with breast cancer,the Dr.said he got it all but he didn’t. My Mama had her surgery on my wedding anniversary. She went on to heaven, exactly seven days after my daughter’s sixteenth birthday.The month to October hold’s a lot of good memories but it hold’s a lot of sad memories. My Mama was also my best friend, she was the greatest woman God ever created. I Miss her so much. I think of her all the time. I would give anything to spend some more time with her. I know I am truly blessed to have had the Best Mama in the world.
Hi. I’ve been struggling with everything as well. My mom died unexpectedly from an aneurysm on Jan 7, 2016. (4 days after my wedding) and 1 month after she retired, literally one day before her retirement party. It has been hard for me to separate the feelings about the wedding, as it was the last time I saw my mom alive. Everyone keeps telling me that I am blessed that she was at the wedding, although true but I feel so upset and brokenhearted and even angry that people can say that to me…bc instead of being newlyweds during one of the happiest moments in my life, I cry every night and wake up with panic of the shock of reality. It’s comforting to read these posts.
It’s been 2 months since my mom died, and 1 month since the memorial service. As I go through my personal healing journey, I am finding so much comfort in reading these posts because it helps me know I am not alone with my feelings, although my husband and family don’t quite “get it”. I may be biased, but only those who have lost their own moms seem to understand it. I know I didn’t know what to say to people who had lost their moms until now. Reading these blogs, reading everything on grief, joining a bereavement support group, making an effort to go out with friends and family when I might not feel like it, and taking care of myself – eating healthy and getting some fresh air and exercise really help. One day at a time. I have good days and bad. But while I still have moments of great sadness, I am s l o w l y having more good days than sad. I will always miss her, but i am healing slowly. I wish everyone the same, but make sure you take the time to experience your grief and your feelings.
I am between my mom’s death and her funeral service. She was 101 years old. Almost ten years ago she was diagnosed with dementia. Since then she had suffered with melanoma, advanced skin cancer, and broken hips. She didn’t want to live without mobility, and when her hip was broken for the second time last year, I think she may have given up. She refused all efforts to get her to use the walker. Since that long-ago dementia diagnosis she has needed increasing levels of assistance so my life was centered around her needs. A year ago, after having lived with her part time for over a year, I moved in full time and retired from work. I feel blessed to have had her in my life for so long in spite of the profound changes caused by dementia during this past decade. There is a wonderful post here from Anne which has helped enormously. Anne wrote that she would not wish to have her mother back even though it would end the almost unendurable pain of loss. Why? Because of her mother’s suffering. Would I want my mom back when she could no longer walk, when she could barely see and hear, when conversation was almost non-existent, when she had outlived all her siblings and friends? Love must win out over selfishness, so I have to say no. Yes, I am lost and without purpose. I cry and hurt physically throughout the day and night. I will grieve profusely to honor her. Although it seems impossible now, I know that someday I will go on and even experience joy in life again. Because love never dies.
Thank you…
Beautiful Georgeanna W, Well said.
I was the sole caregiver of both my parents for 8 years after a horrific accident. Losing them is indescribable. I can’t figure out how to deal with the loss of them even before their death as illness and dementia settled in and I was helpless to change their future. They were wonderful kind gentle and supportive parents. The loss is like a huge chasm and being there around the clock while they were in hospital beds in the living room with medical equipment and then present at both their passing I am exhausted from not sleeping yet 2 years later sleep escapes me. I miss them so profoundly. It was so hard to care give but it seems like a drop in the bucket now. I just miss them…alot….always…a lot ways and still cry in the still of the night. As a little girl I worried about them being gone through death and now as an adult I had to grow up…and accept the loss. There is no one to argue about it with. I can’t win to get my way and have them back. And it’s the fate of all. Now I know but it doesn’t change the sadness in my heart. I can almost hear my dad’s booming happy jolly voice calling me; I can almost feel the coolness of my mother’s soft touch. I’m still sad….they’ve been my whole life… u are right I am no longer the same. My free spirit settled in tight and walks in line with the rest of the world when it used to soar. I miss them…and mr
I had posted previously on this site about the sudden loss of my mother and it is so hard to believe that it is coming up on a year now since she passed. It still seems so fresh and painful. I can still hear her voice and I see so much of her in my children, particularly my daughter. As my children are getting older and starting to mature, I have so many things that I want to ask my mom and so many things that I wish she could see. It hurts me so much still that I can’t talk to her and that she won’t get to see my kids grow up. I promised myself that this year, I was going to try not to be so sad and try to just be grateful for the time that we did have with her. But the thing is, I still can’t wrap my head around the thought that I won’t ever get to see her or talk to her again. She was my best friend. Anyway, I see that so many of the people who have posted here have been without their mother for several years and it helps to know that I am not alone in still feeling so lost, like this huge piece of me is gone. People who haven’t experienced this type of loss aren’t really able to understand. I feel like people just expect me to get over it now and get on with my life but I am finding that very hard to do. Although I feel like I am doing very well in so many ways, I still am so heartbroken. Does this pain ever get any easier to manage. Does time heal? On Sunday, my mom will have been gone for exactly one year and I am finding it hard to concentrate on anything but that right now. I just want to curl up in a ball and hide but I know I can’t. I love this blog for giving me a place to purge and just let go of my stream of consciousness without feeling judged. I feel for each and every one of you and although I wish we didn’t share this bond, I am so grateful to not feel so alone.
Hi i lost my mum 2 years ago to bone cancer mum had fought cancer for nearly 20 years it first startead as breast cancer . To have to watch your mum suffer with this horribe disease is ..well i cant evan say the right words to explain it ..i lookt after my mum everyday for 7 months she needead 24 hr care and thats wot she got at home with the help of some of my family ..mum past away at only 64 years young. Nothing can prepare you for this no matter wot people tell you or wot you read. Im strugglin so much to get through a day or nighte im still in a black hole and cant see no lighte. Mum is in my head constant no matter wot im doing. I was so close to my mum she was my world and know i feel lonley and angry and bitter all the time people dont understand they say they do and that really anoys me aspecially people who still have there mum. I really wish someone could help me ..my mum bless her broke me and i dont know how to fix it i dont think anything can fix this.
Hi Tracey, I know how you feel. However i cant imagine the pain you went through watching her suffer for so long. I lost my mum( my best friend) about 4 months ago. She had no illness but passed away so suddenly on Diwali morning due to a massive heart attack. She was 61.
I am as lost and hopeless as you are. Very frustrated too with family and friends who say they understand but they really don’t. All they do is keep pushing me to move on with my life. I am trying to pick up the pieces and move on for my son especially. None of it is working as I am not at peace inside. I don’t think we will ever heal. I get angry real quick and cry even faster. I hardly step out of the house unless it’s necessary. I guess only time and prayers will reduce our pain. I’m thinking of going for Hatha-yoga as I heard its good for depression. Take care
Hi Lyndsay, I just lost my Mom on October 7, 2015. She was only 53 years old. I cannot believe I stumbled across this website… just reading through some of the posts here gives me comfort I hoped I would find. I am so sad that we all share this bond as you said, but it really is something to know that you’re not alone. I feel EXACTLY as you do, as all of you do. My Mom was my best friend, my everything and I feel like there is a hole in my heart that will never be filled. I am 29 years old and I feel like a lost child. I don’t know what to do, who to turn to, what is “normal” or not, how to feel. My Dad is not handling things well and I have a younger brother. We’re trying to hold each other together. It’s such a hard thing to think about, that my Mom is gone. Forever. Life really is too short and I would give anything for one more moment. I have to thank Lisa for creating this place where we can come together to comfort each other and try to help and offer advice. I was sorry to read that she has passed away. I feel that I will never be the same again after losing my mom. I am not married yet nor do I have children yet, and I am sad at all that she will miss. I hope that she will be able to see everything, but I still wish she was physically here. I don’t know how I’m going to make it without her. </3
I lost my mother 11/11/2015. Her last words were that she loves me,after that she were in coma 2 days…then she died. Soon its my 19th birthday(first birthday without her) and I’m so lonely and sad…
I’m so sorry for your loss, Cara. Please look for places to share your loss with family, friends, and maybe the Comfort Zone camps. They are offered all over the country free, because of donors. Also look up my new fb site, called “Daughters of Hope” with my name. We still share on this site, long after Lisa’s death, because women are still looking for hope in the midst of their pain. A mother’s imprint is embedded in our souls. I’m writing a book about mother loss and interviewing women. I lost my mom when I was only seven.
God’s blessings to you Cara.
Myrna
My mom is now dying of cancer. I will miss her and l realize already my life will change forever without that relationship. I know it will be a new normal. But she was a very strong person when it came to me her daughter and l now have that gift of strength to give my life and others. I think your mom is like mine only wants first your safety and happiness. If you feel that inside and not from anyone or thing. It’s a gift that she is working in your life so you can keep moving forward and continue to share those things with others and all her love. It’s not easy and it feels deeply sad for me at times. But l do have to keep moving along life’s path as l believe your mom would want you too.
My mom passed away August 24, 2015. I can’t get past it. I have a great deal of guilt and remorse, regret. My mom was hospitalized on August 9th at 84 years of age. She died 2 weeks later in Hospice. I can’t get the look of fear she had in her eyes when she lay in the bed too weak to speak. She went to the Dr. To obtain non-narcotic pain relief for what she thought was her rheumatoid arthritis. Turned out she had acute myeloid leukemia. They tried chemo because she and my Father wanted so badly to fight. The chemo is what sped up her passing. It was all so awful. I stayed by her side every day and night. I was determined to make up for a rocky relationship-to prove to her that I could give back what she had given me as I was adopted. It did not work. She had a DNR. The hospital told my Father and I that there was nothing we could do any longer, that she was dying. They encouraged us to change her DNR to a DNR comfort care only. We did, thinking it was best for mom. And she agreed. BUT…I keep going over it in my head. Did we make the right decision? She seemed to suffer. She cried and told us she was afraid. In the end it was my Brother, my Dad, and me watching helplessly as she suffered in pain. I feel guilty, like I hastened her death with the comfort care only change. An infection from an IV took over and ended up being the last battle her body would fight. We looked on knowing that antibiotics could have helped…but we did nothing. Logically I realize I sound completely crazy. She was in end stage lukemia. BUT all of the logic in the world is not helping. I have become distant in my relationships, terrified that when my Father (86) passes I will completely lose it. My life stopped when hers ended. How could we just sit and watch this? It was not in her nature to ever watch us suffer, I feel like I completely failed her as a daughter. I feel like a horrible human being. Is there anything that will help me reconcile this? I pray to her. I pray to God. I think about going to a medium to get one last message from her. I am so crippled now. What is wrong with me? And lastly…I was not there for her last breath. The day she died my family literally forced me to go home with them. We were all exhausted but I did not want to leave. She passed on 2 hours after we left the hospice center. She was not only afraid, but she died alone. I can never forgive myself.
Lisa,
Hindsight is 20/20. You were born to be loved and love, and that is why your parents adopted you. You are not a horrible being. There is nothing wrong with you, I think you are going through the grieving process I am going through myself. the fact that your are sad now to me says you realize how much your mom did for you, and how much you really loved her. For now, the best gift you can give yourself is try to be there for your father and brother. Do random acts of kindness for them and for others in your life.
Via my local hospital and a visiting nurse service, I have joined a bereavment support group which has helped me come to better understand the loss I felt, and the 6 people in the group have all felt the same feelings and you and I. I was numb, sad, angry and withdrew. 3 months later I am in touch with my feelings more than ever, and am starting to be more engaged with my own life in a positive way. I still feel many of the same feelings you do, but they are my feelings and that is ok. Talking to people, reading this blog, journaling has helped me. It takes time. I am now making an effort to rekindle some relationships and friendships, even though I sometimes would rather stay home alone on the couch, but I force myself to go. I still think of my mom every day, but rather than remembering the mean stuff I did to her all the time, I laugh and smile about the wonderful things she did for me. I didn’t realize how lucky I was. Amazing how I took so much of her unconditional love, her patience, her time and her money for granted. I was truly lucky even though we didn’t have much growing up. I have been humbled, and I am finally beginning to forgive myself. Slowly. One day at a time.
Lisa,
My heart breaks for you. I truly empathize. My mother passed on 05/05/2016. She was 89, and only a couple of months shy of her 90th birthday. She was not only my Mother, she was my best friend, my child, and my life partner. For all of my 47 years, she and I went to bed together and woke together. I have never not been without her until now.
While I do not know you nor your Mother, as a Mother and as close as I was my Mom, no Mother wants her child to live with the pain of guilt. Please forgive yourself. As Mothers, we forgive our children everything because our love is unconditional, even when we have to correct our children. Additionally, as Mothers we are not perfect, and often must ask to be forgiven.
I am a well educated, cerebral woman, but alas, I am a mere mortal. I truly believe in angels. I know my Mother is my Angel. I believe that your Mother is your Angel. Maybe, your Mother prompted me to this site. I have never before posted a comment. Who knows how the angels guide us. Without writing my life story, I will say that yours is the only comment I was compelled to reply to.
I am currently 17 and a little over two years ago December 13, 2013, (weirdly Friday the 13) my mom passed away from breast cancer. I was told that she only had a week to a month to live and now I look back at it, I realised how shocked I was. After I walked out of school my dad said to me that she had died that morning, I didn’t even cry. The next morning I woke up and realised it wasn’t a dream. The weeks that followed that I felt like I was on autopilot, I was physically there, but not mentally. I felt so numb and empty. I had thoughts and dreams about my mom passing, but I never thought it would happen to me. It is a horrible experience and I feel like it will never end. Shortly after my dad got a girlfriend which bothers me a lot and she isn’t even nice to me. I still greive at the thought of what it would be like if she were still here. Also when I need someone to talk to, I miss her and wish I had her to talk to. Thankfully, a few months later on April 23 I got a boyfriend and he has helped me a lot. I have been with him for almost two years and he listens when I talk about my mom with him. Ever since then, my life has been a roller coaster ride with ups and downs.
I just finished reading this article and I am so emotional right now. I am. 53 year old mother, and the daughter of my beautiful mother who I lost to COPD almost 3 years ago.
My mother had a long battle with that and emphysema. I cared for her and eventually moved in with her to take care of her in her own home. I promised her that I would never put her in a home, no matter what!
My mother and I lived only a few miles away from each other and we were very close. As an adult, I admired and loved her so much. She was my very best friend. As you wrote in your article, my mother, too was my best friend, my biggest supporter, my biggest fan, the most important person in my life besides my own children. She was beautiful, inside and out. She was the most loving, caring, giving, generous person I have ever known. She didn’t have a lot of money, lived very frugally, but would give of herself and her own belongings whatever she could. She was an amazing woman with the biggest heart of gold. She worked so hard all her life at waitressing and as a bartender at the local bowling alley, until she was able to retire, and live off of her small social security check. She never finished high school, because she had become pregnant with my half brother. I say all this because, in today’s culture and society, she would not fit the example of a “successful” woman.
But, in my eyes she was the epitome of a superstar! No amount of education or fancy career, or money could outshine the woman that she was to me. What my mother possessed was much more value able…
She had the love and sunshine in her soul. She had the empathy and thoughtfulness of an angel. She had a silly sense of humor that flowed naturally around her.
For all these things, and so much more, I miss and grieve for her intensely. I have always struggled with depression all my life. She did as well. But my depression has been so terrible since she died. I feel like a little girl who lost her mommy at a young age. I take medication to deal with the depression, I have been in therapy since before she passed away, but my feelings of loss and sadness in my heart, never go away. Those feelings can seem almost truly physically painful in my heart at times…
Do you have any words of advice for me?
Thank you for taking the time to read this.
Sincerely,
Kendi Vizulis
kendiv@msn.com
Hi everyone, so many posts i can relate to. I lost my mom at 27. It was April 15 2014. I still grieve the death of my mom, and honestly i believe i will grieve her until the day I die. So many emotions run through me. I try not to think about it, that was my way of coping, but thats impossible. When I do think about the fact that i lost my mom, all I can do is cry, then i become sad, mad, depressed. I still feel like its unfair that my mom is gone. All the things we could be doing now. Now that i am established and could treat her to things because she sacrificed so much for me as a child. She was a single parent and I am an only child. I wanted to treat her like a queen! Take her on trips, shopping, everything she done for me and more. I even got angry at God because like i said its not fair, my mom has been through so much and her life just got cut too short by Cancer! I hate cancer i hate life. I try to be understandable and say ” Its all in God’s timing” but there are times when i want to scream and shout that its not fair. My mom will never see me married, have grandkids….just the little simple things in life. Let alone i don’t think i fully appreciated my mom until she died…such a strong lady. So many regrets….shouldve, would’ve, could’ve. I still had so much to learn from my mom. I feel alone. Nobody is going to love you like your mother. When you’re sick no matter how old you are, you still want your mom. Im going through life like a robot…i don’t know how to truly LIVE without her…im just making it. I think I’ve developed anger issues. I don’t know whats going on with me. I though i was going to have the story book death scene, where they tell you they love you and will always be there…that didn’t happen. She never came back to me to say she loved me. Nothing….sometimes I get really foolish and wondered if i took care of her well enough during her sickness, or made the right call of keeping her comfortable. If you still have a family make sure you know their dying wishes, regarding life support, cpr, ventilation, dialysis….those decisions should not be made during such a delicate and emotional time.
My mother died 3 weeks ago yesterday (she was officially pronounced dead March 2, 2016 – a Tuesday). She was really actually gone that previous Sunday when the ER gave her a medication that it turns out she was allergic to and failed to give her meds to counteract the allergic reaction. I feel sad, pain, guilt, and empty. But my biggest emotion right now is anger. My mother was 80 years old and had endured and concurred a lot of medical issues. I feel that if she had died from one of her medical issues or even from a car accident or some other accident, I would still miss her and would still feel pain but I think I could have seen her death as it “just being her time for the Lord to call her home”. But because she walked into the ER to get treated for a pain in her leg but didn’t make it out of the hospital alive because of a medication she was given, I feel like her life was stolen from her and that she was stolen from us. AND I AM SO ANGRY. And besides feeling guilty for things I feel I should have said or done for her, I also feel guilty for having been the one to drive her to the hospital. If I had not taken her to that hospital, she might still be alive. I am single and have no children. I lived with my mother. My sister moved back to our small town in November of last year, after being away for 20 years, because our mother was getting older and she wanted to spend more time with her. So she is having an extremely hard time handling our mother’s death because she feels like as soon as she moved back home, our mother was taken away from us. I try the appear strong for my sister’s sake. But I cry everyday driving to work. I cry during the day in the bathroom at work. I cry driving home from work. One thing that we are both wrestling with is the fact that when we walk into the house and walk past our mother’s room or go into the room, we don’t have that “grieving/mourning” feeling. For me, it’s almost like an emotional separation from the situation. It’s not a conscious voluntary separation, but it is there. To help her to feel better, I tell my sister that it is part of the grieving process because she feels guilty about it and doesn’t want out mother to feel that she is trying to forget her. But the truth is that I feel as guilty as she does. The other thing is that she has only been gone 3 weeks but it feels like she has been gone for months/years. Why is that? Anyway, I can’t talk to anyone about how I am feeling so I’m glad I was able to write it here. Thanks for this site.
Dearest Marie,
It is so normal to feel angry and go through all kinds of emotions up and down. I have been getting notifications from this thread and the overwhelming feeling from daughters who have lost their mothers is a lost and helpless feeling. I wish I could help I am only a lay person who lost her mom as s seven year old, but I care. I get it. I wish I could answer every one of you dear gals. Even though it doesn’t feel like it, you are loved by your Creator. He is the only one who will never leave you. Everyone in this life dies. The author of this blog has passed away long ago and still women need a place to share and talk.
If you want to continue to share and talk with those who understand then please go to my Facebook group called, “Daughters of Hope” by my name Myrna Folkert. I am in the midst of writing a book about women who have lost their moms, and the hope we can have. Please try my page or message me if you would like to honor your mom by telling your story. Many of you could write your own story better than I could. I’m so sorry for all of your losses. It’s been so many years since my mom passed away and I still wish she could have been a part of my life. You’re loved. Please keep reaching out and looking up.
Myrna
I can so relate. My mother died because there were to many people looking at the wrong thing. Come to find out she was allergic to the dilaudid they gave her. By the time we got that under control, I got one day with her, where she was laughing and talking and being her old self, only for it to go so badly wrong in just a short period. Someone started to administer morphine, which I found out after her death, if she was allergic to dilaudid, then she should have not received the morphine. I didn’t even get a chance to say goodbye, I had no idea that everything could go so wrong so quickly. It has almost been two years now, and I cannot get over the anger of them taking her away before her time, not to mention my guilt in taking her to the hospital. I just feel I should have known better. I just didn’t know what to do. I am sorry you had to go through that experience. I go to my mother’s room to talk to her. To visit with her, as I had for the last fifteen years that we have been in this house. I hope you can heal from this in time. I don’t have the greatest advice, considering I am still trying to find a way of dealing with her being taken too soon. Take care and wish you and your family peace.
I lost my beautifull mother on the 2nd march 2016 (not evan a month ago) her funeral was 3 days ago – she was and still is my best friend, Im 32 got a lovely husband and 8 year old twins and we was all very close to my mum. Her death was expected 22months battle with bladder cancer and im not sure if I did most of my grieving then and she was very sick and poorly – some days I can cry for a while others I think of her with a smile and to be honest the only reason I can carry on is because of my children – I thnk to myself if I die how do I want them to grieve? and evan tho its different for everyone I want to show them that my mum (there nans) life should be celebrated she was still so young aged 65 but that 65years of a difference she made to this earth and 32years to me 8years to my children and for that I can smile and say thanks mum 🙂 but I will always miss her and unfortunately my father is very ill aged 72 and i feel very alone in all this but i do believe our parents are still with us either in our hearts and minds or spitural watching over us 🙂 RIP mom i love you so much and always will
kim
One day at a time. You have the right attitude – life should be celebrated! And you are right to be strong for your children – they need you and you need them. And it is good that you acknowledge your feelings. If you feel the need, try a bereavement support group or reach out to friends or other family you feel comfortable talking to. It takes time. My own mother passed away in December and it took time for me to work through various feelings, but while I still miss her every day, I am feeling better and when I think of her I smile. (It helps that I have had some social events and a busy start to spring). It took time, and some days were good and some not so good but that is normal. I wish you luck in now coping with your ill father. Get help and support to take care of him if you can. Remember to take care of yourself…do not feel guilty….raising your own children with strength and love is the one thing or “job” you have to do and you only get one chance to get it right. And how lucky you are to have your lovely husband! Good luck, one day at a time!
After reading your articles i became very keen follower you..
I am so sorry for your loss i really feel you pain my passed away last week with lung cancer very unexpectedly i don’t know how to get along without her its hard every minute if the day I prwyvfor you and your family
One day at a time. Get in touch with your feelings. It is normal to be sad. My mother also had lung issues. We never had them diagnosed but over 9 months things progressed from a small shadow to 70% of her right lung. Regardless of the cause, you are never ready. Give yourself time to grieve. Know that to be numb and feel nothing, to be sad, angry, confused…its all normal. Sometimes I have to force myself to go out and see friends and do social things, but I am glad that I did. Force yourself to accomplish 3 things every day, even if it is just paying the bills. Maybe one thing is to call a friend or do something with people at church or go somewhere with friends. I am enjoying new relationships. But I am also meeting people who have also lost their moms. It is like you suddenly belong to a club that you never planned to join, but at least you know you are not alone.
People thinks I’m crazy….I lost my mom 18 years ago, I was 4 years old ,my dad continued his life with my stepmother ,I lost my mother and my father’s love….gradually problems with my stepmother my dad put me out..I was forced to take up self responsibility when I was 17 years old…today I have a stable life but I suffer alot because of my past and the lost of my mother , sometimes I think of she was here I would’ve never suffer the way I did. And you know what? I cry alot,I seek attention that nobody understands. I never had a boyfriend for too long they never understood and says I have mental problems so they all left. Today im alone,isolated from the world not because I want to but my feelings won’t let. I tried seeking professional help but I always quit…so at lest you guys lost a mom but y’all have a family.
Hi i just want to say thank you
My mom died 23 des 2000 i was just 4 years old back then , and when she died we never talk about it till this day, her picture her cloths its all gone.
And sometimes i cried after watching a movie when the character died and i remember about my mom.
I don’t really remember any memories about or with her and I don’t really remember her face.
and today i cried again so i google about how to deal with this kind of thing.and i found your post . And i just want to say thank you for writing this.it really makes me feel better and now i know its ok to never feel ok about this.
I know i will cry again if i watch another movie and somebody died in the movie and i will always be reminded of her . But i will save your post and read it over and over again ?
And i know i’m not alone ?
My beautiful mother died April 1, 2016. I never dreamed that this would happen so soon. I am left alone, sad, angry and hurting that is so immense that words cannot describe the pain that I am in. My mother was taken away and it is not fair. I love her so much. I am living a bad dream and that this is not happening. It just can’t be but there is nothing I can do to bring her back. She was everything to me and I cannot stop crying and to carry this pain is unbearable because I am helpless. I want her back. I cry out to her to come back.
It takes time. A lot of time. I have started journaling and writing to my mom. I send her emails sometimes, but 6 months later I am doing better. I still get sad, but not so much. I try to think of the good times, and know that while I still get sad, there are times when she would laugh if I told her what was happening. I try to be the strong one and keep life interesting, not dull. And I listen to my friends talk about their moms, and remind them to tell their moms how much they love them.
Hi Lisa, we know two lovely girls, fourth and eighth grades, whose mom passed away this past January from breast cancer. Would Morherless Daughters be good/appropriate for them to read – especially the 8th grader? The mom was sick off and on over 3 – 4 years. I am also wondering if a book called Grieving the Death of a Mother by Harold Ivan Smith might be helpful – do you know anything about it? Thank you.
My mom passed away May 4th 2015. My whole universe shattered when I lost her. She was my everything. We were really close and I could talk to her about anything that was on my mind and vise versa. We really understood each other. I think about all of my future milestones that she won’t be there for. I’m sixteen now, she wasn’t there for my Sweet Sixteen, so it wasn’t very special. My dad tried and I’m very thankful. My mom always went all out for birthdays and would decorate the house. My mom passed away a week before Mother’s Day, I had to spend my first Mother’s Day without her a week after she passed away. It was so hard. Everyday feels so pointless now that she’s not here. I wonder why I should even bother trying anymore. Life is so dull without her. I could always count on my mom. She was the only person who never let me down. Every single day I think about her, some days are harder than others. I get jealous when I see mother and daughters or when people talk about their mom. It has also been hard on my dad and brother, but I think it has been harder on me because I’m a girl. My mom will always be in my heart. I will never let go of her. I love and miss you Mom. <3
One of my closest aunt has recently lost her mother. It’s only been a few days. She’s extremely upset and sad. I don’t know what should I do to somehow help her and be there for her in this process. Could you suggest something for me? Although I didn’t know her mother, I feel extremely sad too coz my aunt was a v happy n a positive person. She seems to be a bit cold n rude. Could you suggest how should I cope up with this too?
I am validated knowing that losing my mom is the most painful and lonely feeling I have or will have. I lost my mom 9.16.14 at 28, 4 months after giving birth and 17 days after my birthday. It hurts knowing that she’s nevering coming back and I do not know how to deal with the pain especially with my father moving on to another woman and family continuing through life as if she was never here. I know that the grief hits us at different moments, mine mostly when I am alone or traveling for work…she was my confidante and that voice of reason when I doubted myself…I’ve been searching for that voice but now I know that it only exists in my memories now. God bless us all as we go through life…my prayer is that He wil comfort us as we grieve the love of our mothers.
You are so much of your Mom. Write a letter to yourself, as you think she would try and comfort you. You will be reunited, please believe! She is fine and is so sad you miss her so greatly. Smile so she’s happy on the other side!
My Grandma Billie raised me after my parents were divorced when I was 6. We lived with my Dad part time and her part time because dad worked nights and we had to go to school. I love my Grandma as a Mom. Her passing at 17 will never leave me, and I’m 59 yrs old now! I believe in God (which she instilled in me) and KNOW we’ll be reunited!Me
Hi im kiara. Im only 14 years old. I recently lost my mother and it is the hardest thing to go through. I live with my grandfather now, and its okay here, but i do miss the motherly advice and care my mom had for me. i talked to her about everything, and after she passed, i felt so alone. yea i still have aunts that support me and are always there for me. But its just not the same without my mom. i miss her and i feel as if no one understands how i feel and why i dont feel as comforted by any one as much as i did with my mom. i miss her so much it doesnt seem real. its as if shes on vacation somewhere and im just waiting for her but thats not true. Its just weird thinking that i can never touch her again or see her or even talk to her. but after i started reading on this site, and all of these comments i understood that im not alone. more then just myself has lost a loved one, and you guys understand what i feel. im just hoping to find a way to stop all of the pain. I need help. If any one knows how i can improve, please help me. i dont want to hurt any more
Kiara,
My heart hurts for you, losing your mom so early. Please know it is totally normal to be confused, scared, lonely and missing your mom. A mother daughter relationship is special and so hard to replace. You have to pull on your inner strength, and reach out for help to people you love and trust for help when you need it. It is ok to express your feelings, and tell these people how you feel. But you are lucky to know your mom loved you, and she will always have a place in your heart. One day at a time. Every time you are faced with a difficult choice in your life, ask yourself, what would mom tell you to do? Let your conscience be your guide. Be strong and one day at a time you will feel better, even if some days it is 2 steps forward, 1 step back. peace be with you!
Thank you so much. Your message has helped a lot. Just like all the other supporters on here. this is a very good site. full of people who know what your going through and help u every step of the way. But thanks again. i appreciate it.
Hi Kiara,
First of all, I am so sorry for your loss. Loosing your mom is one of the hardest things you may have to face in your life. I would give almost anything for just one more hour with my mom and I am sure you would too. I wish I could tell you that the hurt will go away, but it has been 20 years since my mom passed and it still hurts. I can tell you though that in time you will get stronger, you will learn how to manage the pain and eventually you will have whole days that go by and you wont feel any pain at all. Those days will turn into weeks and those weeks into months. Every once and a while a special day will come up and you will think of her, you may get sad, you may cry but you will get through that day too (and be stronger than the day before because of it).
I also moved in with my grandparents after my mom died. Please understand that your grandpa will not be perfect, but that he will be trying his best everyday. I can remember going through my teen years and being so angry. There will definitely be some generational differences but like I said, he is trying his best, and he loves you I am sure or you wouldn’t be there.
Please understand that you can still talk to your mom. I go to her grave and talk to her and it always makes me feel better. It is definitely not the same but it can help. I always bring her flowers when I go.
Anger may come. I got so angry at my mom for leaving me. I thought “how could she do this to me”. Please know that no mother would willing leave her child behind to feel the way you are feeling now. She loved you with her whole being.
I am going to tell you some things that have helped me, but please keep in mind that healing takes time.
I wear my moms jewelry, it always helps me feel like she is around.
If you have siblings it can help to talk to them about it, if you have no siblings then reach out to people who knew her. You will have questions about her and these people can help you find the answer.
I always celebrate her birthday somehow, whether it is baking her favorite cake and sharing it with loved ones or just visiting her grave. Just because she is no longer with you does not mean it is not a special day. Celebrate it and remember her.
My sister got married recently and she incorporated a small picture of her in her bouquet, I think it helped her to feel that she was walking her down the aisle.
On a beautiful day when there are clouds in the sky I always pick out the biggest most fluffy, comfortable looking cloud and imagine her smiling down at me from it.
That is all I can think to say for now, again I am so sorry for your loss. It is a pain I would not wish on anybody, especially a young teenager like yourself. You are strong, it may not feel like it now but you are and you are getting stronger and wiser everyday. Let your emotions come, it is okay to be sad, it is okay to grieve. You loved her and always will love her and grieving her is a natural process.
I encourage you to reach out to people, even if you feel as though you are burdening them (I only say that because I felt that way at one point) I can assure you that you are not a burden. You are not alone, you are loved and I know that you would rather your mother by your side but if it is any consolation just know that your biggest supporter and guider is now watching over you each and every day.
If you ever feel like talking more you can respond here and I will write you back.
I hope this has helped even just a little.
Take care, I hope you can get to a point soon where it doesn’t hurt so bad.
Thank you so much. You have helped me understand alot in your message. I am now 15 and it still hurts a lot of course but its getting easier…i knew it would take time but i didnt know it would take a lifetime…i now know that i will miss my mom forever and nothing can change that. but thats a good thing because missing her is all i have to know that she was real and thats she was everything to me. Thank you so much for your support and advice. it helped a lot.
My mom passed away yesterday May 17th after she was told back in November 2015 she had lung cancer. My heart is broken and I can’t stop crying. I feel like Jesus has took her to soon. My mom was 71 years old she was a fighter till the end. But I miss her so much. I don’t know how to handle her leaving?
My mom too died of lung cancer and other ailments.
First, it is totally normal to feel the way you are feeling. The best way to handle this is to allow yourself to grieve – you will feel sad, numb, guilty angry and many other emotions over the next several weeks. Little things that don’t normally upset you might. Acknowledge your feelings. (Just try not to take them out on others around you, especially since they may be grieving too and in a different way). There is no timeline for your grief, but stay in touch with your feelings. Try to find some outlets for your emotions – a bereavement group, a friend who will listen to you, reading this blog, journaling your feelings (I send emails to myself). Take one day at a time. My mom died in December. For me the first 3 months were tough, but now each day gets better. I still miss her every day, but I know she is smiling down on me from where ever she might be.
its been 5months since i lost my mom its been hard coz i dream about her constantly. my case is worse beacuase my boyfriend is far away we are in along distance relationship,he tries to talk to me about it constantly but its never the same over the phone i find myself holding back i am the 1st born so i have to take care of my siblings and i never want them to find me ccrying as they look up to me for support. is it right for them to see me crying? my mom and I were veeeeery close we would talk about everything. i feel lost and in pain. i no longer look forward to getting married or getting kids
I can relate Mary i too felt like God took my mom too soon she was just 48. i have been angry since she passed on i no longer pray nor go to church because i do not understand whY it had to be me. She was all i had and right now i feel empty and alone
Am sorry for predicaments
quite painfull
Nice article, I like the topic……”When daughters grieve the death of their mothers”
I am deeply touched yet deeply saddened to read this. I feel a lot of my feelings inside have been written on this page and yet I believed in my heart no one in the world understood, I lost my beautiful mum last year like your self but to ovarian cancer and brain mets and on the 16th July this year it will be her 1 year anniversary. It feels like an eternity since I looked into her beautiful blue eyes yet I relive the horrificness every day like it was yesterday, I don’t feel like I can ever sucseed in life and I feel totaly robbed, I am angry at the world yet I try so hard every single second of every day to put on a brave face, and tell people (I’m fine) I am angry that she suffered so much when she has the soul of an angel, she wanted nothin from life but her family around her and for us to be happy and healthy but yet she was dealt the worst cards. And all the while still managed to smile and say Everythin was beautiful and Everythin was lovely even when it wasn’t. people say to me they understand but I know this is not and can never be true, this also makes me angry. I’m surrounded by a beautiful family and fiancé yet I feel like the loneliest person in this whole world,and the only two people who actually understand is my brother and sister, because other people go home at night to there own home and there own families and we are still very much trying to deal with it.. through my own choice of nursing my mum at home my life was put on hold for quiet a few years and now I feel like I’m drowning even more, since my mum has passed away, alls people feel the need to ask me is when am I going to have a baby? or when I’m getting married? and I feel like screaming from the pit of my stomach to leave me alone, I can never now imagine how reaching these milestones without her my precious mum will ever be possible, but I also know she will be sanded if I didn’t, I just can’t cope with the thought of never speaking to her, seeing her, calling her phone, kissing her, hearing her say she loves me, holding and being held by her, hearing her sing around the house. saying goodnight godbless or just simply sitting quietly in a room together, having a cup of tea or hearing her tell me how beautiful I am and knowing she is actually the only person ever that will mean that purely from her heart and soul. Now I understand what she ment when she used to say to me… (A mothers love) she was and still is my all and my everything, I don’t know how to go on for the rest of my life without her.
Hello Dee Dee…I just wanted to thank you for your heartfelt words. I truly could have written them myself and I imagine many women who read your post will feel the same way. It’s clear your mom loved (and loves) you immensely–the same way you love her–and that’s why the loss of her feels so profound! The separation is so, so hard. My mom passed on Christmas night, 3 and a half years ago. Absolutely the most painful and difficult thing I’ve ever felt in my life (I’m 52.) I miss and think about her everyday but I am absolutely, positively convinced (for several reasons) that our moms are very much alive in the next dimension…world…Heaven…any or all of those terms. And we will see them again! Please try to keep that sliver of thought in your mind when you’re missing her the most. I know I do. Hugs!
Hi Joan, thank you for your kind reply…
Like it isn’t bad enough to loose your mum and you had to endure that over what should be such a happy time of year I am so sorry for. It must of been horrendous for you. And I will think of you each Christmas… My mum was only 59 years young, and I am 27 this is why I feel so robbed she passed not long before her 60th birthday we were going to the Maldives for this to see the green waters, and devastatingly 3 months before she was in remission and then in a heart beat we were told our time was so limited, it was very cruel. I am grieving for the relationship and bond that we should still have….. someone told me once that somehow the world has a funny way of getting you out of bed every day and they were not wrong, I don’t know how but it just does….. I do 100% believe in the afterlife as it’s the only thing I have to hold onto, I think it would be a very sad world to believe anything different and I know she lets me know in her own little way. So once again thank you so much for replying and reaching out to me it means so much. Big hugs to you too xxx
January 28, 2011. I lost my mom. Most days are easier then others now. I thought I had most of it in check. Till….
My mother in law passed Saturday 11,2016, All the old memories and feelings of my mom came rushing back. I am crying for my mom, when i should be mourning for my mother in law
Please give me strength to support my husband in his time of need.
First, with any loss, you are NOT expected to keep it “in check”. I have lost both of my parents, and some other people I was VERY close to. Grief is a process with stages. Everyone needs to go through each stage in their own way (google the stages of grief, but I felt guilt, anger, denial, isolation, depression….and finally acceptance.) For me, i hadn’t gone through some of the stages fully, and I felt the same thing. Allow yourself to feel these feelings. Do not feel guilty you are grieving for the loss of your own mother at this time. Allow yourself to experience and acknowledge your emotions – don’t push them away (but be careful with the anger feeling and how you let it come out!!). Use this time to bond with your husband, but understand you and he may not be at the same stage at the same time as you. Patience, understanding, communication, reflection, kindness and love will take a lot of strength. Peace be with you in this tough time!
Hi Annie, please do not ever feel quilty about crying for your own mum, your mum is your mum and everything that life throws at you some how will relate back to her. I can not hold a normal conversation anymore as even the smallest things take me back to talking about my mum. So please don’t be too hard on your self, I’m sure your mother in law would understand…. You will be in my prayers, I will Pray for strength and courage to get you and your husband through such a didficult time.
My mom passed away yesterday 6-15-16 and I feel lost and empty and numb. I keep blaming myself over every little thing and crying all the time because I want her back so badly. She’s no longer in any pain, but being here without her is the worse pain I’ve ever felt and I feel so selfish for being jealous of others moms but it’s not fair. Susie waz 72 and she passed peacefully, but I miss my best friend and I love her and miss her more than anything.
So sorry for your loss. You are lucky you knew about this website. I found it while searching for an answer for the hole in my heart which nobody could mend. The first anniversary of everything will be so sad. My darling mother passed away nearly 3 years ago. I can tell you life will get easier. Just make sure you surround yourself with happy, positive people.
I lost my mother Last week and i dont know wot to do am lost and lonely are friendship was like no other i dont feel she is dead
I’m so sorry and deeply touched by reading many of these stories and comments. My mom died when I was only seven. I have vague remembrances of her and remember the trauma of the day she died very vividly. I am interviewing women and writing their stories of their mother loss. I’m writing a book that will give hope and comfort. Right now, I’m recording the stories and writing them myself, but oh boy! I think many of you could help me write an anthology you have such touching stories. It would help others deal with their loss and help them feel comforted. If you believe that you have been comforted by your Christian faith, then please reply to me and I’ll give you my personal info. Thank you, and I’m glad I found this community of sharing grief. Hugs to you. THANK you Lisa Adams.
The fact that the author of this blog has died, and women still write on it constantly, shows me the need for a caring community of women who empathize with each other. I lost my mom when I was seven, so I have come upon this blog in my research for my book. It breaks my heart to read so many of your posts. I am writing a book about women whose mothers have passed away and have also begun a fb site called “Daughters of Hope” with my name on it. Please feel free to drop by and share your story. I am interviewing women and would like to talk with you if you’re a person who has found hope after the loss of your mother because of the Lord God. Thank you and God bless you all.
Myrna
There is no doubt that I have been comforted through my Christian faith. Even when I got very angry at God for taking my precious Mama from me, he never left my side.
Six weeks after my Mama passed away, I found an old letter that she wrote to me while I lived out of state. She wrote the letter 6 weeks after losing her Mom. I mean, that raised the hair on the back of my neck. Finding that letter was no accident. I found that letter in the midst of heart wrenching grieving.
4 weeks after she passed, I got on her facebook account to delete (i deleted my account as well), and I found that she was on there more than I thought. I didn’t get on my FB account very often. I found a post that I had made to her 3 years before she passed. I told her ‘I love you Mom. I don’t know what i’d ever do without you. Mean it. ‘
I don’t remember making the post and I certainly didn’t know she responded until going to her account to delete. Her response was ‘JuJu, i’m going to die someday. Just know that I will always be with you.’ Again, i found this while i was in deep grief.
Here is another incident. My Mom always told me that after she passes and I feel a cool breeze, know that it is her! Well, a year after she passed i was lying in bed. I felt this really cool breeze that felt like waves of it going over me. I felt such peace and joy while this was happening. It was beautiful. Then it dawned on me what she said. My alarm was going off but i didn’t turn it off right away because i didn’t want that to stop. I finally turned it off and it stopped. Having coffee with my husband i told him about it. He said, wow. I felt the strange cool waves too but i didn’t think anything of it.
So, yes, God has been helping me. There are other things.
This is a pain like no other and we do learn to go on. I’m finding the pain comes and goes and when it comes, it is just as excruciating as in the beginning.
God bless!
Juju thanks for answering. It seems that many might have left a post on this site and then never returned. So many stories, so much desperation and need for community! Your previous answers to others that I saw were so touching too. But this thread is so terribly long and hard to find people. I would love to hear your story and any other peoples’ who have a story of faith in Jesus. The fact that there’s so many stories on here long after Lisa is gone, reiterates for me the need that women and others to have a place to share their grief and loss. Juju if you or anyone else wants to email me at my name at gmail I’d love to hear more about it. I also have a blog which isn’t only about my mom and grief but other things too. That’s my name at WordPress. So myrnafolkert@gmail.com or myrnafolkert.wordpress.com (called Tablet of your Heart) I’d love to create a caring community where we can share. You said you’re now off Facebook but I also have begun a community there called Dauhters of Hope, with my name as the admin. So please contact me. I’d love to include your stories in my book or blog. Thank you.
Myrna
My mam passed away 3 weeks ago can’t cry x
Hi Annie. You are most probably still in shock and disbelief and will also feel numb and emotionally drained, that is NOT un-natural, don’t beat yourself up for that…prayers are with you xx
One day at a time!! Everyone grieves differently. It’s ok to cry a lot or just a little. It took me 6 weeks to really have a good cry. There are stages you will go through in no prescribed order. Just get I. Touch with your feelings. I found myself getting angry at a family member when he really didn’t deserve my anger. I had to realize that really I was angry because I wanted my mom back, to take care of me (ok, I am 50 and can take care of myself but she helped a lot with my kids). It took me a while to realize that. Join a bereavement group at your hospital or visiting nurse service. Talk to friends, even when you don’t really want to socialize. Journal in a diary. One day at a time.
So sorry Annie, many times we are in shock for a long time, and we go through different waves of emotions, and the stages of grief come in and out. This is a community of caring women and so many are looking for hope. This reinforces the fact that I should continue to push through and write this book and I have begun a fb. site called “Daughters of Hope” with my name. You can talk to others who are or did go through it. Let the emotions come. I’d be a listener if you need one.
Myrna
Wow…such Wonderful thoughts are shared in this article. I have many great losses in my life. It is almost too overwhelming when I think about my losses of my Mother, father, all of my grand parents, aunts, uncles and siblings being gone from my life. I feel extremely lonely sometimes and so so sad because I miss all of them. The pain, grief and silence of not hearing their voice is beyond words. With all of this I’m experiencing the loss of my best friends mother which re-opens my own grief again. So this article has been a God send to me personally right this moment. Thank you to the writer who has shared this comforting message, I wish you Success in all that you may do to keep these precious words, ideas and thoughts going forth. I look forward in sharing your article with my associates and people I care for as well. May God Bless you abundantly!
– SunShine \●/ Smiles
I’m so sorry for all your overwhelming losses in your life SunShine Rucker. Sadly, maybe you’re not aware, that the author of this blog passed away. But if you want to continue to share stories of grief and loss I’m trying to fill that need for women. I’m writing a book about mother loss as I also lost my mom very young and then my sister. I interview women. Also I interview and record people for hospice so family members won’t say later, “oh I wish I could hear their voice” like you did. I also began a Facebook page called Daughters of Hope associated with my name-this is where people could share and discuss their loss. I also write a lot of stories on my blog at myrnafolkert.wordpress.com. Or you can reach me at myrnafolkert@gmail.com if you’d like to be interviewed for my book and share your moms story. I change names for the book. Gods blessings to you.
I’m an only child of a wonderful mom passed away just a month ago to ovarian cancer, one of the worst. While it metastatised troughout her whole body and brain she still have the strenght to worry for us all. She did what she can smiling and crying because she really what she wanted most was living to see my little one year old baby grow up. I’ll be missing her everyday of my life and I really hope I will change a bit especially my attitude towards others because as for now I feel envy for those who have bothe parents, siblings to share pain and joy. I do feel now as I am alone in this world. No one can understand, especially my husband and his mother who always wants to see my daughter calling her “my life”. A stub in my chest. During her last days mommy showed me how to love and how to live, I want to learn from her to be happy again thinking of her whatching me from somewhere. I dreamt about her, I am sure it wasnt only a dream of my mom. That’s why now I begin to think of her with a smile on my face. Unfortunately my father is not so helpful, always grieving avoiding remember what she did…hope someday with her help we will be able to be a family again…now it is hard…from Italy (Rome) with love, Daniela.
Daniela,
I’m so sorry for your loss. The loss of a mother is a very hard thing. I pray you will find a very close friend to share with. You are welcome to go to my Facebook page called “Daughters of Hope” and join-it’s associated with my name. Then you’d have people to talk to that understand your pain. Everyone is different but we can console one another no matter how many years it’s been it’s always your mom. I’m writing a book about mom stories and our losses and our hope we can have. Blessings to you Daniela-it’s a road we didn’t want to walk but we can take one small step at a time.
Hi Daniela, my name is Deanne. Im not sure weather you have come across my post but I honestly do feel your pain, my mum had the very same OC with whole body and brain mets. She was 57 at diasnosis and was in remission with CA125 levels in the “normal range” for 18 months, we really believed in our heart she had beaten this awful disease then over night we were told she had 3.5 moths left to live, she was only 59 when she passed & our world crumbled, we are still now very much trying to rebuild it, her anniversary of 1 year was on the Saturday the 16th July and we spread her ashes too, also managed to sort some of her belongings out, so it all feels very raw again …It is such a cruel vicious illness that unfortunately takes over every being of a person, she changed from a strong powerful woman to someone who needed 24 hour care at home, my difference though is I do have a brother & sister and because of this we were able to care for my beautiful mum at home ourselves, with nurses coming for medication and our family around us….therefore I know I am extremely blessed that I am not alone so I can not even begin to imagine how you have coped on your own, especially at this time in your life and for this I am truely truely sorry that you have had to endure this alone, the only advice that I can give you as someone did for me is that… Even when you think you won’t cope… You will! I don’t know how but the world has a funny way of getting you out of bed every day, please know that you are in my thoughts and I will pray that you have the strength to get through this horrendous ordeal…. I am glad you have found this site, please stay strong if not for your self but for your beautiful baby girl- sending big hugs from England xxx
Thank you girls, I do feel better after having read your replies. It’s difficult, really, to find friends to share my pain with because if you don’t experience on your own skin that big enormous and unbereable loss you won’t understand what it implies. The costant feeling you have not roots anymore, no family memories to remember… I read your stories with tears and especially with you,Deedee, I felt connected. My mum was diagnosed at 60 and passed away at 62…I did everything to be with mum and daughter everyday always putting on my best smile while inside monsters didn’t give me a moment to rest… you all are in my thoughts and prayers and I considered myself blessed to have found this blog and your posts. I don’t use facebook anymore but I want to have a new account in a not far future so I will be glad to joing your fb group! With love, Daniela.
No one will ever fully understand just what you have been through, Stay strong Daniela… I’m sure you will do your mum proud, we are only on this earth for 60/70/80 years… Enjoy it while you can, have a holiday and smile when you think of your mum, I know we will all be reunited with each other one day???
Thank you DeeDee and Daniela,
No, no one can fully understand unless they’ve lost their mother. But it is a wonderful comfort to know that we aren’t on this earth very long according to the eternity we will get to spend with our dear moms in heaven. Can you imagine all the talking we will do to catch up? I truly believe we will know and enjoy one another. I’m very much looking forward to that! The Daughters of Hope Facebook page is new but I would really love to have both of you join in! It’s so interesting to have people from across the world. I’m from Michigan, USA. My mom died many years ago and I look forward to getting to know her. That’s why I’m writing the book, so that daughters don’t have to feel alone. Blessings to you both!
Myrna
Hi Myrna, that is a lovely thought, eternity sounds blissful…. unfortunately I am not on Facebook but I would have loved to join in if I were, I discontinued my account years ago, but I wish you a successful journey in creating your book, I’m sure it will help many woman through their grief xx
DeeDee I’d love to hear your story and I’m writing that book to help the world of women like the thousands on this thread that the Lord can be our strength even when we can’t do it. Please any of you, if you or your mom had faith in the Lord Jesus, email me at myrnafolkert@gmail.com. I’d love to get the word out to all these hurting women. It breaks my heart and want to help them. When you email me I’d like to set up a time to interview you by phone. Blessings to all of you and may He be your comfort.
I’m 28 my mother died in 92′ December 16.
I’m lost as a woman my father has been there since day one but he never had a woman figure in our life yeah I have a sister too. Some days I Somedays I find it extremely hard to move forward
I’m so sorry Stephanie. You must have been only about five maybe? I was seven when my mom died. It’s not something we ever totally get over, but can learn to move forward with hope. Is there a way we could keep communicating? I feel sad that you still feel lost in life. My email is myrnafolkert@ gmail.com. You’re welcome to contact me. I’ve got a few things going that will hopefully help women like us to forge through life and thrive. Hugs to you.
Myrna
Sorry that’s myrnafolkert@gmail.com. It’s very honoring to your mom and her faith story should be heard by the world! You would make your mom proud!
My mom just passed in April from cancer. It was totally unexpected and happened so quickly, within a matter of days she was gone. Everyone has told me that it gets easier but it hasn’t. I can’t seem to pull myself out of this depression and some days I feel like i want to die too. I’m totally lost.
This is the worst pain of my life. The day my mother died, half of me died. My world, my best friend, my one and only mother gone. I am breathing but not living. Not a day passes without sorrowful moans for my mom. To find a bit of comfort I do a daily ritual. I sing to my mom every day, Oh mamma how much I love you, how much I miss you, Oh mother, I can’t go on without you. Where are you mummy? Oh mum…oooh mamma..
Here I am again, to share with you my life, my feelings, my sorrows…to have my daughter my husband and I had hard times till we needed to undergo fivet. It was tough but my mother was with me. As I told you I am an only child and her being with me during difficulties and uncertaintes was everything. Her vicious desease took her away from me too soon and now, after few months, while I and doctors thought I could have not have another child without science’s help I found out to be pregnant again…I can’t stand it, I don’t feel able to do this without her because everyday I cry for her loss…I feel guilty because I want to abort…I want another child but not now, I need time to recover, to put the pieces of me together again even if I won’t be same person again I do now feel the urge of be selfish, take care of myself…is this so horrible? It is difficult sometimes impossible but I want to do it for my first and only daughter who sees me cry so many times…Please help me cause only you with my same grief in the heart can understand…
Hi Daniela I can not fully understand this as I have not experienced it, but alls I can say to you is………….. The chances are that You WONT regret having that beautiful bundle of joy, but you MAY regret NOT having your baby when the decision has been made, please don’t make any rational decisions, I believe that everything happens for a reason but you are very much still in the midst of grief you probably will not feel this right now, isn’t it ironic how at your lowest point you have been given this gift, take some time to think things through, think of the smiles and the laughter your little girl gave you and maybe this could be a blessing for her also, to have some happiness back in both of your lives can only be a good thing, yes you will still have your down days but will also have something positive, it’s obvious how much you love your mum and clearly obvious how much your little girls loves you…. Please take some time to think, big hugs ? xXx
Dearest Daniela,
DeeDee is speaking truth. I sure couldn’t say it better but just want you to know that I care. She’s right, that you may regret your decision about this baby. You can honor your moms memory by naming the child something involving her name, make sure to write or talk your feelings out with a trusted friend or counselor. You are very loved and cherished by your Creator, although I know it doesn’t seem like it at times. Your daughter will love to have a younger sibling to love and it’s something special you can share. A child is such a blessing…. a new life to cherish. Maybe keep s journal of feelings as you go along, as if you’re talking to your mom. Love and hugs to you.
My mother died on the 12th of july 2016 she fought cancer for the 3rd time…we r lost without her i miss her voice so loving and soft she was a very loving mother and grandmother and loved my father so much…its so hard whenever i visit my dads house coz it feels like she will just enter the lounge or the kitchen its like we can hear her…
Nicole,
We are in very much the same boat. I am 25. I lost my mom — my confidante, my other half, my best friend in the entire world — on Sept. 10, 2015, when I was 24. She was diagnosed with brain cancer 11 months earlier, out of the blue. It was a brutal illness, and by the last few months she was a completely different person. I was one of her primary caretakers — my dad and I. I lived at home with them at the time. I feel like we are in a similar position. I will be getting engaged soon to an amazing guy, and I just dread it. I have no desire to plan a wedding without my mom. It’s something we were supposed to do together. I feel only dread at the thought of trying on gowns without my mom, planning the event, or even being there on my wedding day. I don’t want to get married without her there. I just don’t want to. I have considered eloping but I just wouldn’t do that to my dad or my boyfriend’s mother, it would crush them. I know how you are feeling. I feel empty and alone on a daily basis. My boyfriend (who knew my mother) understands, but cannot understand the depth of my pain. He has both parents still, as do all of my friends. No one truly understands. Only two things have truly helped me. I see an amazing grief therapist, who has truly saved my life. And I joined a grief support group of eight women, all ages, everyone having lost a parent or spouse. They are the only people I feel understand me. I hope you are able to find a helpful counselor or grief group near you. I was skeptical going into it, but it has saved my life. The only time I don’t feel alone and empty is when talking to them. Good luck. I wish you all the best. Sending hugs.
I lost my mom a year and almost two months ago. I had just got her back in May, see my parents divorced when I was 13 and I always went where my mom went. After finding her new husband though a lot of things changed, I hadn’t really spoken to my mom for almost 15 years and not because I didn’t want to, its because of a lot of other things. Those 15 years were hard! I needed my mom when I had my kids, when I needed to talk, or go shopping for my girls. I used to see mothers and daughters at the stores and I remember getting so sad. I always had a missing piece in my heart. Finally, after all the one she friend requested me and I was so excited! So excited that I chose to take things slow just so I can protect myself from getting hurt again because I knew her new husband didn’t want her talking to her kids. I was scared that she would leave me again because of him. On July 1, 2015, I received the worst call ever from my aunt at 2:23am. She called to tell me my mom was truly gone! Man…the pain, I could feel it even now as I am typing. I remember screaming in a fetal position, I felt as if my heart had been torn out. I had always wanted my mom and at that point I wanted to hold her. My grieving process has been anger and severe depression. Still today no one not even my husband knows exactly how I feel daily. I have to wake up put on a fake smile and go one with my day. My mom was so excited to come see her granddaughter graduate so that day was so hard for me. I still post on her Facebook as if she was here. I still cry in the shower and I even talk to a star while I am outside smoking. What makes my grieving process harder is the fact that my step dad not allowing me to go say my goodbyes to her before he had her cremated. I have been told that the pain never goes away, that I will just learn to live with it. I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy, and let me tell you since her death of have lost people I was close to because they were no where to be found when I needed them. I could write a book about my life, about my my mother’s death and how it has forever changed me. Thank you for sharing though!
I’ve recently just lost my mom on the 7th of this month and its even worse because on the 1st of August it was her birthday. I feel so empty, lonely, down and i didn’t even wanna talk to anyone because everyone keeps saying they understand what I’m going through of which i know they don’t. I keep praying everyday, hoping she’s gonna come back someday but i know she won’t. Last year July my grandmother passed away and now this year its my mother. The pain is so unbearable, i cry every night when i come back from work. I’m so lost without her and miss her so much.
I’m so sorry Thalitha. Death really is hard on this earth. Sorry about your mom and grandma. I’m sure it is very difficult. You say you pray she’d come back but hopefully you know that you can go to her in heaven someday. Your wound is so very fresh, it’s only been a few weeks. Give yourself permission to grieve and cry. It’s normal and ok. She is at peace and you will miss her until that grand and glorious day when we all can meet our Savior. Blessings to you. I hope you have the Lord to talk to. If you want to talk I will listen too. Give yourself long walks or bubble baths, but also seek out a trusted friend or counselor.
Thank you so much. I’m going for my first therapy session today, i hope everything works out perfectly fine.
Thalitha,
I hope your therapy is beginning to help you see some things. I’m so glad you’re going. It’s so healthy. Good for you for seeking that out. Your mom would be proud of you.
Blessings,
Myrna
I lost my mother June 18th, 2016 to metastatic breast cancer. It’s impossible to prepare yourself for this loss. No amount of faith in anything is of comfort. Tomorrow, I spread her ashes in the Garden of Souvenirs…and so I came to this site seeking strength and solace.
I am an only child unmarried with no children. My father died 9 years ago. While I live in the states, my mother, who was French, lived in Paris. I dropped everything and came to her side the day after radiation (brain) to help her get strong again, which never happened. That was in February. I have been here all year. After tomorrow, I will begin to think of returning to the life in the states I once knew. I’m so incredibly sad. This beautiful city that I love so much makes me sad without my mother in it. I can’t imagine how lost in the world, I will feel when I go back to Florida; how pointless it might feel to be there? There are moments that feel like they will haunt us forever, and I hope they won’t. For example, I can’t get out my head, my mother’s tear filled eyes staring at me saying good bye – and maybe I don’t want to. Many things others wrote are the exact things I’ve felt. Even though death is a universal event, it doesn’t make it easier to take. Somehow knowing our feelings are not so unique is of some comfort and creates a sense of oneness with others having gone through the same thing. As an only child feeling a little extra alone in the world now, it’s somehow good to know we’re not. I wish all and everyone of us peace of mind and peace in our hearts!
I lost my mother one week ago to cervical cancer. She got it back in 2010, eventually went into remission, until we got news in July that the cancer had returned and had spread all around her body. Not even two months later and she’s gone, even though the doctors said she had at least one year, maybe even two, left to live.
She was so beautiful and she was only forty-six years old. My mother was my best friend, my confidant, the most important person to me on this entire planet, and I feel lost without her. I turned eightteen years old two weeks ago, and I’ve already lost my mother. How is any of this fair?
I lost my mum 78 days ago. I did not grow up with her as I was adopted at four I have no childhood memories of her but I moved to live in the same town as her six years ago after she got me a one wat ticket away from a man that would have ended up killing me. I met my mum when I was 15 and stayed in contact with each other but since moving here we became not only mother and daughter but best friends too she got me through fighting to keep my new born son who is still with me thank god and also through my breakup from his father two years ago. My mother was diagnosed with
Overian cancer on 16th december 2015 she was given six months or less on 16th febuary 2016 and passed away on 26th june 2016. I became her carer frim day one whilst trying to juggle play groups being a sungle mum taking my son to nursery twice a week and putting up with an ex that rubbed it in my face that my mother was going to die. In the last days she suffered horrificly and yhe things that i saw happen is butned into my brain i cant grieve i cant cry i fear i may never stop. It does not feel like she is dead but i know she is as i carried her coffin along with my four sisters and two nieces im sad all the time im getting through the day by following what i normally do i feel like im here but not here sorry for how long this ia and for soelling mistakes ita just i cant sleep or eat bormally any more im stuck in an abyss ? overian cancer
Dear Ellen,
You are so young to have gone through so much already. Take time to grieve and let yourself cry. If you have God in your life, cry to Him, he cares and is always there to listen. It is very fresh to you, and it is new. I’m so sorry for your loss. Take care of your son and your mom would be proud of you. If you ever want to talk, you can contact me. I’ll listen.
Blessings,
Myrna
I lost my Mom September 6, 2016, she was 89 years old. She got sick in the middle of the night, and never really regained consciousness. She was transported home for hospice and died only 30 minutes after coming home. Just slipped away right in front of us. The funeral is in a few days, and I do not think I can handle it. Every day its getting harder to face the fact that she is gone forever. I am a Christian and believe we will be back together again however I am devastated that she is no longer here to give me advice, laugh and talk with me, or give me those very important reminders of what bills of mine were due. I will never get over this huge loss. I am very sorry for everyone’s loss and I pray that we all get through this tough time to our new normal soon.
Chris,
So sorry for your very recent loss. I’m glad you are a Christian and have the hope amidst the pain. It’s real pain and take the time to grieve. She is not here but you can go to her. Blessings to you.
Myrna
Hi Chris,
I can relate. My Mother passed away just five days ago, her funeral is tomorrow, Oct 13,2016. She was elderly like your Mom; 100 yrs!!! But it does not matter the age, it hurts just as much as if she was younger. Now after the initial shock & denial is over I feel panicked and devastated. I too feel as if I will never recover. But my Mother always said she did not want me to get sick after she was gone and she wanted me to be safe. I know your Mother wanted the same for you.My Mother died in my arms. I remember an episode of the tv show Designing Woman that Dolly Parton appeared on when a character had a baby girl, she said a daughter is special because you will hold their hand when they take their first breath and they will hold your hand when you take your last. My Mother & I were very, very close, I was her caregiver 24 hrs a day for the last 10 yrs. I, too am lost. Hope we can all survive and be happy someday because that is what our Mother’s would want. Lord get me through tomorrow.
Deb R.,
What a wonderful thing that your mom got to be 100! But it doesn’t matter the age of the mother or the daughter-it’s your mom. Blessings as you go through the funeral. These days are hard. I pray for you tonight. May the God of all comfort surround your heart tomorrow and in the months to come.
Myrna
Myrna, Thank you for your prayers. I can’t tell you how much your kind words meant to me. These are very difficult days, as everyone here knows. The numbness turned to deep sadness. Good people like you are giving me comfort.
Deb
Praying for you, Deb R. It’s so hard. My precious Mom passed 2 years ago Oct 7th.
Not a day goes by without me thinking of her and talking to her. I still feel like i’m in a nightmare.
God bless and hold you as you go through this day today. The reality won’t sink in until a day or two after the funeral. There’s just no way to prepare for this.
Our lives will never ever be the same. After 2 years, my life is just a motion to get through each day. Again, may the Good Lord hold you.
Hi JuJu,
You are right the numbness began to wear off and then I was left with terrible sadness. I hate to say I cannot imagine ever being happy again. Our Mothers would not want that.
Thank you for your thoughts and blessing.
Deb
My mom passed away unexpectedly one year ago this 23rd of September 2016. My youngest son of 3 siblings of 2 other daughters was 4 at the time( daughters were 10- 12) We were soooo close but she had been taking care of her dad which passed away 2 months before her and promised me time she never could give back. My grief is massive. Having huge problems dealing without her. She was my bfff. So lonely. I am the only child out of two she had. My brother almost two years before me died same day he was born. She went into hospital sick and never came out. I laid with her as she passed. It haunts me. I miss her more than there are words for. I do not know any other only child loss like mine in my family. Everyone has siblings. Sooooo alone with my thoughts. Can anyone send me some comfort. Please. Her siblings and surviving mother try to help.but we were also put into a tense and horrible situation 2 days preciding her passing. So stressed. Life will never be the same. My children’s grief and mine are huge. I am only 35. About to have another birthday without her soon.I do not speak to my dad. He is an alcoholic. I cannot speak to the air to her even to this day without stress.
Hi Terra,
I am so sorry for your loss. I truly understand how you feel, as I am there too. My mum passed away almost a year ago on November 11th. My son was 3 plus. She was helping take care of him. He misses her a lot . He still talks sbout her tilll now. She was everything to me. She had no illness. She passed away suddenly on Diwali morning.
Not many understand the pain we go through, especially since we had such a wonderful mother.
I try to keep myself as busy as I can so that I don’t think so much. I have difficulty sleeping since.
It’s very painful. Only time can reduce the pain.
God bless you.
Divya,
I really appreciate your response and am sorry for your pain also. It is so hard when love is ripped away. I know i am not alone with my thoughts anymore. Thank you so much.I wish you and your son comfort one day. God bless you too.
My Mom Lois Wallace passed away one year ago on October 19. I was the first born of 5 children and had her to my self for two years before my little sister sharon was born. A couple of years later came the only boy and mom had two other sisters for us a year and a half apart. Being the oldest I was closest to sharon growing up. But my mom was my best friend always. I slept with her until I was 7 or 8 when she was alone. When I married and left home at 20 I talked with my mom and dad everyday and seen them almost daily. My mom and I did not live together for only about 15 of 16 years of my life when my dad passed he asked me to take care of mom so mom moved in with us. We were the three musketeers; my husband, mom and me and there was not a day that went by that I was not thankful for the family I had. My husband and mom were like buddies they watched all of the bull fighter and wrestling matches together but my mom was my everything. She loved me as no one else could and was always there…those are the two things that I miss most and the day she died I felt the piece of my heart that she had leave me and I have been living with that hole in my heart ever since. I know that it will always be there and will always hurt I will only be glad when I can keep it all on the inside. I hate being this emotional wreck, I look at the old person I am and think why do i feel like this kid who has lost their mom and dad…I was so lucky to have my dad for 56 years and my mom for 26 more years and should be relishing in that joy instead of where I am. My husband and I are now moving to a new state, I cannot stay in the house that we owned that use to be a home, that home can never be again. But as I drive around this new place looking for a house to make a home I cannot help but say oh mom you will love it here…. I hope that I can smile in my heart someday when I think of her instead of curling into this mass of misery. I know that she is ok…my sister sharon and dad and everyone else who has left this physical world has her now…she sufferers no more…I will love her for all of my being…and never forget who she was and what she did…she was a wonderful human being and a beautiful spirit. I am so thankful that I will not leave this world and leave behind anyone to feel this kind of pain, it is unbearable..
My Mum died 14 years ago after fighting cancer for nearly 2 decades. I was 32 and had 3 kids; 2 children in primary school and an 18 month old.
My Mums cancer became terminal not long after the birth of my youngest so I (being the only daughter, and because I wanted to) had to take her to her chemo sessions, doc appointments, cook, shop and clean for her etc as well as care for my own young family whilst living in an abusive relationship.
It was a bit hard sometimes to say the least.
My father had died of an aneurism when I was 18, and my eldest brother committed suicide when I was 22…it was 3 months after his death that I met the man who introduced me to life with a narcissistic control freak so I obviously chose him to be the father of my children!!!! (Yes that was loaded with sarcasm)
Anyway, I left him 5 years ago when I had reached the point of either committing suicide myself or committing murder!
But even though I thought I’d had enough trauma in my life, apparently I must have needed more, because the man I met after leaving my ex had an issue with illicit drugs and soon turned from a sweet, compassionate man into what I could only describe as schizophrenic! (Yes I’ve done my research and I have a relatively good understanding of the characteristics of someone with schizophrenia) So it was either that or he is a narcissist himself or has BPD? Either way I am still in love with him when he is sweet and I hate him when he changes.
There’s a good chance I may have serious attachment issues because I’ve lost all common sense and I’ve become a recluse and pushed everyone (bar my kids) away and if I hadn’t lost my own Mum I’m pretty certain I would have opted for the easy way out. But I can’t do that to my children because I know how hard it is to not have parents.
Sorry this has been such a long entry, but I promise it’s just the bare facts; the icing on the cake.
I hurt! I miss my Mum and Dad and other than 2 remaining brothers all my aunts, uncles and grandparents have gone too. I have no significant elder to go to or to ask for guidance and I feel like a feather floating in the wind; with no direction and no control over where the wind is taking me. ?
I’m sorry if this isn’t the appropriate site to have said all of this but I’ve not talked about my grief or my current situation for years, and I miss my Mummy still, even though I’m old (nearly) enough to be a grandmother.
Thanks for letting me have my sook,
Cheers Sally.
Sally,
Good for you for hanging in there and being such a good mom. Your mom taught you well. I love how you could not take your life because you couldn’t do that to your children because you know how hard it is to not have parents. So true. Hang on to that. May the Good Lord wrap Himself around your heart tonight. May you feel His presence even when things are hard. He is the only one who remains constant in life. I pray you can feel that. I hope things go better for you and your kids. You sound like a great mom and I encourage you to keep that up, it would make your mom proud. You honor her by doing that.
Myrna
My mother has tumor 17 years ago. Iam only daughter and she was not the same but she became my child like a teenager she just was hard to do things. I was 26.. than now she has terminal cancer iam 46. I am a strong woman but so much pain.. I dont know when or how I can live without here.. I really hope God knows this breaks my heart but I wish her no pain. I made funeral arrangents we are on go fund me.. Joan Klein… but i really just break d9wn and cry.. at times.. I feel like a big baby.. I forgive her and see she also loved me unconditional.. we never thought she would get cancer. She can’t get radiation because we don’t have money cancer treatment maybe could help
I lost my mom, my best friend 2 months ago on August 27 2016, which was 2 days
after my birthday. I know exactly how most of you feel, it’s almost like your comments are coming straight from my heart. This site provides comfort to me, I am so glad I found it while I was surfing the internet. My mom was a great lady, she was so loving and I miss her so much, it actually hurts.
I lost my dad 5 years ago, which was very painful, and still is, but I feel like the loss of my mom is worse. After my dad passed away, my husband and I moved into her home,
because she didn’t want to be alone. My mom was always there when I needed her. She was the only one who understood me, I am the only female of 5 kids.
I was her caregiver for the past few years, especially this past year. She had her first
stroke in April of this year, she seemed to come out of it without too much damage,
She was put into a nursing facility for rehab. While she as in the facility, she had a
second stroke, which caused severe damage to her. A decision was made to bring her
back home with hospice. She was total care and in very severe pain. Being disabled
myself, my husband was very supportive and helped me take care of her, unselfishly.
I couldn’t bear to see her suffer, like she was, so I prayed to God to end her suffering.
God took her to be with him and my dad, she was 80 year old. I know she is very happy now, but I miss her so much. I too cry often, especially when I see something of hers or
I think about her. Nighttime seems to be worse time for me, too much time to think of her.
May God bless you all.
We just lost our mum on October 14, 2016. I am the youngest of 3 daughters and have never been married and have no children of my own. It is beyond your worst night terror ever imaginable where you do not want to wake up from or go to sleep again. With the help of great co workers, family and friends… life seems a little brighter ! I am happy she is not suffering from cancer no more and she is at peace and is in heaven where she is looking down at all her family and beautiful grandchildren.
I can relate to many of you. I lost my mom on 12/8/2014. She loved Thanksgiving and Christmas also. Her death was so sudden, and yet I have continued to feel guilty that I could have done more.
Since her death, I have felt so alone, scared and keep wondering what she would have wanted me to do. She was/is my bestfriend, my sis, my cousin (we would joke about), she was everything. She was a funny/sassy, smiling beautiful person. She was so damn strong, she kept saying I was the strong one, but for what she had endured in her lifetime and how she was treated, she was a very strong spirited person.
I miss her smile, her hugs, her kisses on my cheek. How small her hands were, how tightly should would hold my hand during mass in church. It is now 11/7/2016 and it feels like yesterday I just lost her again.
I don’t cry everyday now. I do at least 3-4 times in a month thou. I am lost, I do miss her so much. I don’t know what to do. I have too many unanswered questions about her death. She, besides my grandmother, (Who recently passed on 05/19/2016) was all I had for family. Now with both of them gone. Well . .. . the loneliness hurts so much. The memories just echo throughout the house. Yet, I have not been able to find any love or desire for anything to move on. I know I do not want to die, I just don’t know how to live without her. She was my life. I miss and love her very much. I wish to God everyday that I get a chance to see her when it comes my time. I so badly want to be close to her again.
Thank you for letting me share. Thank you for sharing your moments and thoughts. I pray for inner peace for myself and for those still grieving. God Bless.
Kathy,
I lost my Mama on October 7th, 2014 and 1 year later to the day, I lost my Grandmother.
I read your comment today, 11/8. I was just feeling yesterday, all over again, the ‘what if’s’. One thing i can’t reconcile is that Mom told me that she didn’t want Morphine. Me and my sister gave it to her anyway. I know the morphine eventually took her life. I was just telling my daughter how i felt about that and she reminded me that God makes an appointment for us before we are even born and that nothing can change it. That’s just ONE thing that i’m still dealing with. Today, i keep reminding myself what my daughter told me. Of course, it doesn’t help that my Aunt is passing away. Drove 3 hours (one way) to see her yesterday and she is on morphine every hour. So, kind of relived all of that. The emotion was oh so raw.
You explained so very well on how i feel. I also don’t know how to go on…even 2 years later. My life is like a robot doing the same things every single day…except visiting, caring and phoning my Mom everyday is not part of it!! :'(
Please try not to feel guilty. You can’t change anything. I also know that my Mama would not want me to feel this way (i can’t help it sometimes, Mama…i MISS you so much!!), that still does not make it any easier.
I hope that your pain eases, Kathy. The pain is indescribable and so raw.
Thanks for your message, it helped me a great deal. Knowing i’m still not alone 2 years (and counting) later.
Take care,
JuJu
That’s why I keep coming back here to this website. Sometimes it’s so hard to read the comments, but other times it’s a blessing and allows me to get ‘one more day in’. I feel like i became a member of a club that i did not ask to join but this website is full of these members and we can all relate with each and every one. In a strange way, I feel obligated to come here and that’s ok because that obligation helps me as well.
I don’t know who is keeping this website open but I want to thank you for doing so. It has been such a blessing to me.
I agree, I keep coming back. My mom died last December, so its been about 11 months. I feel like I have taken a big step back this month in my healing, but I keep remembering that everyone grieves in their own way and this is my personal journey. Basically, after 4-5 good months, I am crying almost every day. It hurts, I miss her, but I try to think about the good memories. This site has been a tremendous support for me, as it is hard for me to communicate how I am feeling – my family just doesn’t get it. Yes, I am in a club that I did not ask to join but the support of this group is so helpful in processing my feelings.
I love what Deb R. said about the saying she heard! It’s so profound! You hold your daughters hand when she’s born and she holds your hand when you pass away(paraphrase!) Wow that’s beautiful. I hear so many hundreds of cries on this site. This site may close at any time because the author Lisa, has passed away a couple years ago. Let’s make sure we have a community of daughters who can console one another. It’s very precious to have a place to go to talk. If you want to email me you can press on my picture or get on my blog. I also have a Facebook site called Daughters of Hope. I would love to see this community continue–there’s nothing like being able to get support from people who get it. Nothing is like losing a mom. So many of you- I hear you, I see you. Deb, Sally, Juju, Kathy, DeeDee, Chris–hundreds! Love and prayers for your healing!! I hope you find a good friend or counselor too. I’m no expert, just a listening ear. We can’t let this slip away. We need a place to hear one another.
Same here. My mom left me Christmas morning almost two years ago. I do fine for awhile them BAM here come all that loss and grief slapping me back down I miss her so much She was such a wonderful mother
Ok I’m done. Sorry
Kathy, there’s nothing to be sorry about! Pain is real. Don’t be done talking if you need to talk. Do you have a best friend, counselor or pastor, etc.? I hope you have someone in person, but if not there are a lot of women here who support one another….I’m just afraid it will be gone and women will not be able to have that support anymore.
Myrna,
I realized that when you extended a hand and wanted to talk to me, I was not interested because I knew that the emotions would be oh so raw and I didn’t want to relive any of it.
I do not have facebook (a great thing!!) but I would be interested in one of your sites as I do not want to lose the people here as all of you feel like family to me!
JuJu
Thank you JuJu and all the ladies that have commented. I really appreciate Myrna Folkert and her comments. I am just thankful I came across this page.
As for support, my grandmother was trying to be there, but in the first year of my mother’s death I was too deep into shock and depressed, I felt bad I could not see her as much as I wanted, by the time I mentally was coming out of the fog, late December of 2015, Grandma was not doing well and did not want me to visit, she knew I would have known she was dying had I seen her earlier. I was at least able to see her a month before and one day before she died. My grandmother did not want me there because she knew it would take a toll on me and it would have been hard to see. I am still dealing from the guilt with this one, only because I felt at the time I was still not 100% there, when my grandmother passed. What came after my grandmother’s death was shocking, I thought it might come, but I guess with hope and prayer I was hoping a different result, my father and his siblings felt it would be best if I did not contact them anymore. So not only losing a mother who I adored and I know loved me (she also warned me from time to time, that the family was cruel), I guess I always wanted to look beyond the bad in people, but as my mother had always wondered with, especially knowing how much I have suffered from the past with their (father and his siblings) discrimination, why I am still so trusting and caring to strangers. I remember, please forgive the language, I replied, “because mom, you didn’t raise a cold hearted bitch.”, my mother laughed and she said “You got that right. I raised you with manners and for you to be a good person, I am sorry, my bad.” We laughed at this, we joked many times had I been just a little evil or manipulating then I would have made a great politician. We joked about everything. Nothing was off the table. That is what I miss most about her, she would just look at me and knew what I was thinking or going to do. Vice Versa.
Sorry if I ramble, the thoughts are here and then they go, the emotion is hard to control. My mom knew I tried to control everything, and I appreciate the comment that JuJu said that God has the plan for us before we are born. I just can’t believe some days that this is how it was to be. For her and I not to have the last words be we love each other. I just hate that we didn’t have those final moments. I have been around death since I was eight and have helped many be by there sides when they have passed. I guess I was hoping for our moment.
As for counseling and such, my counselor could not understand why I was still grieving. She has had her mother since my mother’s death, passed, I guess it was easier for her to let her go. So our last session did not end well and I have not been back since. She made me feel ashamed that I am still grieving. Yes I do the robot and do the daily activities but I know in my heart this is not living. I do have a partner, she lost her grandmother on 12/24/14, the same month I lost my mother (12/8/14), so we both have been trying to make our way through. My mother loved my partner and was a mother to her too, so the devastation has been hard on both of us. Tell you the truth it is just recently we have began to talk again. We both have not really known what to do or say.
Please, I thank you all for being here on this page. I do not have facebook, and was praying to God what to do or where to go. I have had recent surgery that had depressed me, and decided to try the internet again when I found this. I too, wish I could give better advice and pass along my sincere love and peace to all those women who miss their mothers.
I am hoping to do something to honor her. My mom did so many things. It was her that took me from Texas to Alaska, we enjoyed our time there. Because of her we did the traveling we did, and she just had a spirit that never gave in, she flew and loved and she just had a way of making life so fun and adventurous, even in the bad times.
My email is mrldcrstl@hotmail.com. If anyone is interested. I appreciate the conversation.
As for the support team. Well like I mentioned before, it is my partner and I and my mom’s puppy (I bought for her 1 1/2 years prior to her death). I have to admit, he has sure got us both through a lot of crying.
Thank you all for your support and talks. I ask myself everyday what do I want, what would mother want from me. I know in my heart she would not want me to drag myself through a legal debate and lose everything to find the answers to her death. I guess I was wondering is there a way after the statute of limitations are up, that I can meet with the hospital and find out what really happen? I then wonder if I find out the answer, which way it may lay, what will this really do for me? Like I said I am struggling with peace, how to let it go. How to know it was ok. I am sorry, some days I believe in my heart we had more time. There is times though, I wonder if she knew. She was so strong, and so damn stubborn (yes I get the stubborn part from my mom and grandmother).
I am rambling, thank you ladies for your support and caring. It is nice to know that we are out there in numbers and feel the same way, and doing what we can to get through the roughness of our new journey. My prayers go out to those who have lost, are losing or recently lost their mothers. God Bless to all!
As Thanksgiving approaches I think of my mom who left the night before Thanksgiving last year. My mom was in Hospice for 3 days and my dog and I stayed with her the whole time…. Unfortunately, in the last few weeks of her life she was in so much pain (which is how she found out she had lung cancer) that I couldn’t even hug her which is always on my mind (I grew up in an affectionate family). In August, I lost my dog. He is the only connection I felt to things and everyday my heart breaks over again. I started spreading ashes of my mother in every state and country I have visited in the last year and plan on doing so on many more travels (one of my moms favorite things). I keep posting locations and photos on facebook because I can only survive through the day knowing that someone will think of her when they visit those places. I am petrified that if I don’t do this, my mom will be forgotten not just by everyone else, but I am afraid I will be letting her go. It is the only way I can live with my grief.
What intelligent and lovely words. They reflect exactly how I have felt this past five and a half years. My mother died unexpectedly of a stroke (so the coroner said) when I was 36 and my firstborn daughter (I now have three daughters) was 6 weeks old. And we’d had an argument about a week before and I had not seen or spoken to her when I received the awful news from my brother. We were very close but did argue from, time to time, so it’s not so much the fact that we had fought before she died, but the painful, awful, desperate, gaping hole her loss has left me. When I see other mothers with their mothers and their children I can’t help but reminded of her loss and although I’ve so many things to be grateful for, including my beautiful girls and a kind and thoughtful husband, I’ve never felt so lonely without my champion. I miss her so very much and I suppose I’ll never stop missing her.
My husband lost his mother to cancer about 8 months after my mother passed which was so very sad for him. He was with her at the very end and was glad to be. He doesn’t feel the same intense sense of loss and loneliness that I do but he does miss her from time to time, he tells me.
I hope that I can give my daughters the kind of love and warmth that my mother gave me all of my life. She never stopped thinking of me. I only realised that after she had gone.
Sorry, Mum.
I wish all of you who have posted on this site all the best. It is so very hard.
Much love and big hugs to you all. Xxxx
Elke, what a wonderful idea! I lost my mom in July of 2015 and she specified where she wanted her ashes scattered. I have been to one of the places (the other is Italy, cha-ching!), but she was a lifelong traveler and I just made plans to visit AZ, with her implicit blessing. I believe I will bring just a little bottle of her ashes with me to scatter in some lovely place that resonates with me and makes me think of her.
I hope you are continuing to heal from your loss. As you can see, I still visit this site on occasion and find comfort in it.
What an intelligent and lovely response. Your words reflect exactly how I have felt this past five and a half years. My mother died unexpectedly of a stroke (so the coroner said) when I was 36 and my firstborn daughter (I now have three daughters) was 6 weeks old. And we’d had an argument about a week before and I had not seen or spoken to her when I received the awful news from my brother. We were very close but did argue from, time to time, so it’s not so much the fact that we had fought before she died, but the painful, awful, desperate, gaping hole her loss has left me. When I see other mothers with their mothers and their children I can’t help but reminded of her loss and although I’ve so many things to be grateful for, including my beautiful girls and a kind and thoughtful husband, I’ve never felt so lonely without my champion. I miss her so very much and I suppose I’ll never stop missing her.
My husband lost his mother to cancer about 8 months after my mother passed which was so very sad for him. He was with her at the very end and was glad to be. He doesn’t feel the same intense sense of loss and loneliness that I do but he does miss her from time to time, he tells me.
I hope that I can give my daughters the kind of love and warmth that my mother gave me all of my life. She never stopped thinking of me. I only realised that after she had gone.
Sorry, Mum. Xxxx
Losing a mom is never easy. I wish you all comfort. We are not alone in our pain and suffering. I send LOVE to all who needs love. Xoxo.
About six weeks since my Mother passed, some of the numbness has worn away. Now, phewww, it is tough, as you all know. I am struggling. Thanks for the love and comfort Terra, same to you. And to all.
omg..exactly what Im feeling…lost my mum almost 3 months ago….just trying to acknowledge that she is really gone is so hard. She was healthy and fit and therefore we cannot get over her sudden death. Worst feeling ever losing a mum. I’m a mum of 2 young kids myself and never wish this feeling on my kids. My family is taking it so badly that I have to act like the strong one although I’m the youngest. I feel that I have to be strong for my dad…cos this is killing him inside. But now it is killing me to even think that Im not going to see her again… how do I move on without a mum….
My mother passed away last night, November 22nd 2016. I don’t know what I am supposed to feel. It was so unexpected. One minute she was fine, and the next my dad was yelling for me to call 911. She was 70 years old, and while I got to spend 20 years with her, I still feel like I was robbed. All I could think of was all the things she would miss out on: my wedding, the birth of my possible future children. It doesn’t seem fair. She was the only person in the world who I knew truly loved me, who told me she was proud of me almost everyday, and now she is gone. I always knew this day would come, but I just never expected to happen so soon. I feel almost numb to everything. I half expect to wake up tomorrow and she’ll be here , but I know she won’t be and that’s what’s hurts. The longest I was ever away from my mother was 3 weeks when I was 14, and that was hardest enough. How am I supposed to live the rest of my life without her? There are so many questions I wished I had asked, so many things I still feel like I need her advice on. I know things will get better and worse, but right now I just want my mother to hold me and tell me everything will be alright like she always did. I will forever be grateful that the last words I heard from her were “I love you.” I always took it for granted when she would say it, and now I’m clinging to those words with every fiber in my body.
Yana I am so sorry for your loss. I am sending you my arms to wrap around you I wish I could help for it is so hard. I still miss my mom so. It has only been over a year. Just hang in there and you will find this place comforting as comforting as it can be. Be strong I will pray for you. Barb
One day at a time. You will go through various emotions, not in any order. Just get in touch with your feelings and allow yourself time to grieve. Join a bereavement support group, get a counselor if you need one, and reach out to other family and friends when you are able to. Sending you hugs. My mom died almost a year ago. I still miss her every day, it is slowly getting easier but holidays will be hard.
I thank you for this post.. i lost my mother 3 years ago. It has been hard. I burnt through many relationships and friendships. Would cry in the middle of no where. Yet had to appear kept together for my dad, who loved her so. Been struggling with relationships. And am so scared. Now i met someone who is low key and reliable..but i find myself sabotaging love and killing love, pushing him away. And i miss her so. Praying so hard it doesn’t always have to be winter like this. Sometimes i think i am ok, but then something triggers and this anxiety returns… don’t know how to carry on, i fear being vulnerable and potentially loving him and losing him. Yet don’t know how to grow love. And feel trapped. Your post helped me shed light on why i keep self sabotaging. I hope to keep this light and move forward strong enough to love again. And that someone can accept the grief i carry, even if they can’t understand it.
I believe anyone can understand the grief of losing a mother even if they haven’t been through it. I know what it’s like to sabotage relationships, I’ve done the same. I believe a person that hasn’t loss their mom can feel the pain of another’s loss. Losing your mother is too hard to accept and the thought of never seeing her and being able to call and visit is devastating! Give this new man in your life a chance. It may turn out to be just what you need!
I needed something today to help me through my grief of losing my Mother 4 months ago. I’m so relieved that I found this sight. What I’ve read has helped me in my grief.
I did not have a good relationship with my mom actually up until 3 years ago it was very strained. The shift happened when her Internist said that she should not drive any more. she was having too many accidents and she was becoming very forgetful. After quiet a bit of testing by her internist and 2 neurologist’s it was determined that she had dementia and that she could absolutely not drive any more. Guess what!!! Out of all 5 of her children I was the one who got along lest with her. I am the 2nd oldest but oldest daughter…. I was the one who took care of her the most.
The choice was either I forgive her and enjoy the rest of my time with her or become
bitter. I choose to forgive! So the next 3 years were given as a gift. Yes, it was difficult at times and we never did talk about the past and that’s OK, because she had a very rough upbringing herself so I choose compassion instead of an attitude of resentment and anger.
We shopped and talked about whatever. She was a great listener when I needed someone to talk to. She always kept things I told her to herself. I listened to her when she needed to vent. Anyway, it was good the last 3 years. More then any other time in our past. In January of 2016 she came down with pneumonia. She had a rough time with this but she took her medicine and just rested. When she felt good we went out, if she didn’t we would just sit and visit. In march we became worried because her cough increased so we took her back and had an x-ray done and it showed some dark images. Long story short she had stage 4 lung cancer that spread like a wild fire and she was gone by July 2016.
She just missed our sons wedding. And our daughter is expecting a baby that she will never get to meet. I’m really grieving since Thanksgiving. I just cant rise above this sadness! I don’t feel up to celebrating the holidays this year. Never did I ever think that losing my mom would be so painful. My dad passed in 2011 — completely different! Whoever reads this, thanks for listening.
God bless your heart, JoJo. It is the most difficult thing to happen to any daughter to have to endure the excruciating pain of losing our precious Mothers. It’s been a little over 2 years for me and if I allow my mind to think about it, it takes me to the raw, emotional pain ever. I’m thankful to have been able to take care of Mom for 14 years. She was my rock. She was my everything and I loved her so. My heart is shattered and I’m trying to place all of the pieces back together. It’s very difficult.
Know that you are not alone and somehow we must carry on.
JuJu~
JoJo, I feel your pain. My mom too had lung cancer….she had a little cough and then a few bouts of pneumonia gone within 9 months. The cancer spread like wildfire, I would give anything to speak to her one last time and make peace, but at least she didn;t suffer long. It is so hard, miss her every day, but she would have been happy to know we celebrated the milestones and she is smiling down on us. I bet your mom is doing the same. Godbless.
I’m so appreciative of all the lovely daughters’ tender words and memories of their beloved mothers posted here on this website. It really helps to know that the prolonged pain I feel after the loss of my mom almost two years ago is not so uncommon. I was 50 when my mother died and I remember how the devastating loss made me feel like a child orphan would — frightened, bewildered and all alone now somehow. I’ve since though learned to manage the regret, grieve and the pain but I’ve stopped trying to think that I’ll ever get over this life event or that I’ll ever feel completing myself again. Some things some of us just must endure until we meet up with our moms again.
Lovely words, Diane, and that’s how I feel too. I can’t believe it’s been over a year and a half since I lost my mom, and yet it also feels like just yesterday. I can still picture her face and voice, I still ‘hear’ her on certain occasions, and despite the fact that we were/are both scatterbrains, I am convinced she helps me find things that I’ve misplaced. I believe we all do what we need to do in order to cope. My memories of her now bring more smiles than tears, but this site gets to me every time.
Peace and comfort to you.
Lost my mom November 7 2016, feel like its my fault. I was the last person with her. Iwish I could have did something different. I wish I could have saved her. Feel like god let me down. I prayed for her, and prayed.
I lost my mom 8 months ago. I am having an awful time moving on. She was 86. I cry often, sometimes gentle tears and other times a gut wrenching sob. I see her everywhere. She was my life line. My go to. How do I recover ?
I was looking online for some advice or something, anything on how to deal with the grief of losing your mother. I came across this post and cried while reading all the different posts. I did not lose my mom at a young age, she had a long wonderful life. My mom passed away Dec 1, 2013, after a illness in the hospital. The circumstances of her death still haunt me, and I just cannot seem to pull my life together and move on. We all know this day will come at some point and I “thought ” I would be as ready as I could be.. Boy, was I wrong. My mom was in the hospital and had been for a couple of weeks. My dad got burnt on his foot from dropped food and called me to take him to the ER at the hospital where my mom was. I pushed him in a wheelchair through the double doors and we heard *Code Blue ICU POD C* twice over the intercom. We looked at eachother and my dad said I hope thats not your mom, I told him not to say that, and moved forward. Ten minutes later his cell phone rang, they had lost my mom’s heart beat.
We still talk about how my mom must have known we were there, it was just to wild to comprehend that it all went down like it did. While he was downstairs I went upstairs and was there when they prounounced her. I felt destroyed and lost all at the same time. To soon after she passed, we had to move my dad. I had to go through all of my mothers things wiht no help from my brothers or other family. I closed my mind completely off and just did it as a task that needed done. Now, I am angry with my family that no one helped me and lef tme to do it all on my own. Some days I just want to scream at them and cry. My mom and I were VERY VERY close and I miss her soooo much! I now find it hard to rejoin life. I don’t go anywhere anymore, I do eat but most times I forget to. My husband has been very understanding but I KNOW it is past time that I get my life back, I can still miss her, but life must go on. I just can’t seem to draw the energy to do so. There were days, I just wanted to join her, not now though. I don’t like talking about how I feel to much, for fear that people will think I am strange I guess.
How could anyone ever look at you as being strange after losing your mom?! I know what you’re dealing with. It will be a year my mom passed next month and it feels like it just happened! I also still forget to eat sometimes. I still cry, I still long for my mom and I wonder if it will ever get better. Don’t ever wonder what anyone thinks when it comes to your mom!!! The holidays will never be the same.
Totally Understand,
Karen
Tami,
Please don’t feel bad for feeling bad. Your loss is still so very raw and fresh. I lost my mom a bit over a year and a half in a somewhat similar manner, and like your mom she had had a long and happy life. I did have more time to process things, though – she had an ‘event’ in the hospital which was never explained or able to be diagnosed, but which resulted in loss of consciousness from which she never returned. So in a manner it was sudden, but I did have the help of my brother, and we did have five days to process her brain loss before her body and spirit left too. I still have regrets, especially about things I wished I’d asked her about her own life, but anger and grief have subsided, as they will for you. I think of her every single day, and I will forever miss picking up the phone and hearing her voice on the other end, but it does all become less intense.
I wish you peace.
Dear Laurie and Tami and so many others, my heart aches for you in your very recent loss. Be kind to yourself and let the grief come. I pray you will tell your stories and keep the memories alive. My mom died so many years ago when I was seven. If anybody would like to be in a support group and tell your stories I have this Facebook group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/286398511697173/
I’m interviewing women and putting their stories into a book. I have a blog in which many of the stories are about grief. Blessings to all of you.
Myrna
I lost my mom January 31, 2016. Christmas is in a couple of weeks and this will be my 1st Christmas without her. My mother loved Christmas and always said Christmas is not Christmas without snow. Today it has been snowing all day, and I can’t stop thinking of my mom! Some days are harder than others, but I’m always thinking of my mom! I talk to her and I write messages to her that I keep on my phone. I talk to her about everything, I mostly tell her how I miss and love her. I believe we never get over our loss, we just get through it. When my sister and I go to the cemetery, I try to think of us visiting her at a new residence rather than a grave site. Thanksgiving and Christmas has always been a big family gathering. It’s so sad and painful without mom being with us. We lit a candle in honor of her Thanksgiving day with a verse we read that expressed our love and how she will always be with us in heart and spirit. We will do the same Christmas Day. We may not be able to see mom, but we will always feel her love that keeps her alive!
Sincerely,
Karen
I’m 26. My mother was 52 and she passed on October 28th. It feels like yesterday. Melanoma came back in the spring and didn’t take long. She was so young you would guess in her 30s with how young and healthy she looked. I miss her so much it’s unbearable. I too was looking for something online and I too cried when reading this. I have no kids, never been married…I’m not even dating anyone…I guess I can hope she will work some magic up there and lead me to my prince charming. (*laughing and crying hysterically as I drink my wine at 4am because I’m so depressed and don’t sleep ever*) She was a single mother to me and I have no siblings. She was spectacular and I can’t believe I’ll never again have to open 50 wrapped presents because you would even wrap the individual chapsticks in my huge stocking. The worst part is I know this is only the beginning of my grief.
I wish that I could give you a big ole hug right now, Brittney.
There is absolutely no pain that compares to this. I’m so sorry.
It’s been 2 years for me and i’m just now beginning to function a little again.
Blessings to you now and always. Especially during Christmas right now.
Thank you JuJu, I feel your hug and I’m sending one right back to you.
My heart goes out to you Brittney! I know oh so well the grief and emotional pain you feel! I know how it feels as though it all just happened. It will be a year for me in January, and I still cry as if it was just yesterday! So I know your pain is so fresh and unbearable! I also stumbled across this group suffering in the same way with almost identical experiences. I’m so glad I did. In some strange way it’s comforting to know there are others that know exactly what you’re going through without asking any questions. I’ve read the posts and cried for everyone because I know exactly the pain they’re enduring. My mom’s passing was so unexpected. She was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer in her liver, lungs and bones. 2 weeks later we lost her. I still can’t come to terms with everything that happened. My mother went to the doctor on a regular basis. How did this happen? Sorry to ramble on, but I didn’t mention how my mom passed in my previous post because the whole situation is so painful! I can’t understand how one day my mom was talking and 2 weeks later after hospice came in she left us forever. I pray for all of us to try and find a way to heal from our suffering.
Heartfelt,
Karen
I was 2 years old when my mother passed away at a kidney transplant failure I’ve not have things easy in life but now that I’m working a young woman I have a lot of questions and I have the hunger to talk to her to ask advice. I find myself a lot of times grieving towards my situation knowing I won’t be able to spend quality time or memories with her.
I lost my beautiful and wonderful mother on December 13, 2016. This article described everything I have been feeling the last few weeks. She had fought several months through several different issues. It started the end of June beginning of July with the heart issues and yeah she had a restriction of fluid intake which was 1200 mL. Then she was finally able to leave the hospital come home but only to go back in a week. Not this time she was going in the hospital for kidney failure and had to be on dialysis for 4 to 5 weeks. Then she was transferred to another hospital and then suffered a mild stroke and she’s also had three urinary tract infections. Those times were bad because she was she was out of it mentally answers constantly screaming at us and yelling names and kicking us out of her room. But then she thought through all that and Finally got transferred to a nursing home. This nursing home treated her very badly and she ended up having another major stroke couple days later and the nursing home wouldn’t believe us that she had a stroke and get her transferred to a hospital near the nursing home. When she did finally get transferred to a hospital we found out she had another stroke but this time it was a major one and was in the hospital for about two weeks. Then she was transferred to another nursing home. This time it was a much better one. Then it was a miracle because then it seemed she was returning to us. She was fighting so hard to come back mentally and physically. It was like my mother was coming back to me as the strong mother I grew up with and suffered the great loss of my father when I was 16. She was my rock, my best friend, and my world. We had looked together and did everything together like shopping and watching TV or going to the movies. I could talk to her and tell her anything and she wouldn’t judge me, but advise me and help me out of any issue. Then it was November and she wanted to come home so badly but she still need more therapy physical and speech. She wanted to be home for Thanksgiving. Luckily my brother came from California with his two daughters and we were able to bring my mother home for the day. That that was the best Thanksgiving we ever had, because everybody was trying to make that day so special for my mother. So everybody helped out in making the dinner and even made sugar cookies with fo so everybody helped out in making the dinner and even made sugar cookies. Then my mother can also came home the next day since Thanksgiving went so well. I am so happy that God blessed us with the Thanksgiving. Because that following week was my mothers last with her loving family. My mother ended up having another stroke and a heart attack and fell, but we don’t know the order of these event. Then she was unconscious and not responding to pain and then put on a ventilator and then eventually she took her last breath. I don’t know how I’m going to go on without her in my life anymore. I have two brothers and nieces and a nephew but I feel all alone now today is her birthday. Yesterday and today I’ve been very rough days like you mentioned in your article. I don’t know why but it’s hitting me harder than It did at Christmas. I know how everyone of you feel and this pain is so unbearable I feel like I’m going to die. I don’t know how I’m going to make it through this year without her especially since she was almost back home. God bless you all because reading your stories helped me on this rough day.
Very good advice…maybe on the brides table she could have pictures of her mom…mementos and moments with her mother…and maybe the daughter could sit down and write a letter to her fiancée from her mother (I’m sure she could ad-lib what her mother would think and say to him and to her. And when it comes time for the father and daughter dance, they might dance to her mothers favorite song.
A wishing well could be created for guests to write something about her mother and what she would say or a favorite memory. I don’t know, I may have went too far. But, I didn’t mean use all …and it might help with her ideas. You said it very well.
As I read through several posts I can relate to numerous. Last Sunday was my last day for my Mother here on earth. The last month of her life she had changed and the last week there were many changes that I did not notice but all are so transparent now. My glorious My Mother went to be with her Savior on Monday January 2nd, 2017.
Before laying down that night she told Dad to not wake her in the morning. Dad’s screams are still haunting me that Mom is gone, Mom is gone, she did it…..!
I spent the last few hours of our time together having a very negative conversation with my Mother about her medicines and would give anything to take back the last night with her. She is my best friend and before recently I could save her from mixing her meds, but nothing I said to her that last night mattered. I feel so much guilt and pain. I truly know she is in Heaven and has no more pain but I am praying, begging for forgiveness and for this to make sense. I will never stop loving her and wonder if this pain inside of me will ever ease……..
Dear Brenda honey I can sense your deep pain and guilt. Please try to relax in the peace that you know with the Lord. Try to consciously lay all your guilt before Him. He will comfort you and give you a peace that passes all understanding. I think everyone feels some kind of guilt when a loved one dies. It’s so very new and fresh to you since she just passed away. Rest in the assurance you have that your mom is in heaven. Give yourself a break and let your grief come. I’m praying for you now Brenda, that you’ll feel the Lord’s huge capable arms wrapped around you. It takes time. Think of good times with your mom. What ifs won’t help anything. Blessings on you and your family.
I lost my Mom 3/14/2000, 2 days before my birthday. I have endured a lot of loss through my life, at 13 my Dad died of cancer, so I had my Mom. 1 week after my Mom died, I ended up in the emergency room, I had been sick for many years, even to the point doctors told me is was all in my head, so in the emergency room I was diagnosed type1 diabetic. There was the answer why I had been so ill most my life. I had such a hard time, the grieving had to be put on hold for my Mom, then I started grieving the loss of my health, then anger because doctors missed diagnosing my diabetes for so many years, angry because I didn’t have my Mom there to help me, angry because I snapped at my Mom because I was sick and I didn’t get to truly apologize and tell her why I didn’t feel well and was short with her. It is now 2017 and I am still grieving. I do not have any children, my brothers live many states away, we only talk over the telephone, and without my Mom I have always felt so alone. I will probably grieve her loss my entire life. And that’s ok, she meant the world to me.
Nice.. I lost my mom 10 years ago..yes i have had other days that I MISS MY MOM SO MUCH.. Never really thought anything of it till today.. Im at work and all i can think about in the middle of work is my MOM with so much heartache that i cant hold back my tears.. I kept asking myself is this normal.. I had to search for an explanation. Thanks to your post it has made me feel that its ok to miss and cry for my MOM… THANKS
It was simply amazing. I had history of recurrent miscarriages and was also diagnosed with genetic problems but using your system http://iyareyarespellstemple.webs.com/ I got pregnant naturally at age 44& after 2 HSGs and 4 negative IUIs including 6 induction Clomid cycles and laparscopy
I just lost my mum 3 weeks ago I am stuck can’t even move on it cry every time even though people say it will get better I don’t see it cause it hurts more everyday like my pain increase she is missing my wedding my child birth my 1st job every thing
Hang in there. One day at a time, one hour at a time. Your mom has made you the strong person that you are. Find some way to bring her along the way – maybe wear a piece of jewelry that was hers on your wedding and your first day of work…know that she will be smiling on you when you give birth….you can do this! There will be good days and tough days, but smile, think positive, and try to see the good in everything and everyone.
Tomilola Jegede my heart pleas with yours. I lost my best friend, my mother January 2nd and literally the first few days I could not function, in a daze, which lead to the next month crying day and night. It has been two months now and just at the point where I do not cry myself to sleep, the pain is still raw but the days are filled working feverishly which helps. I have found reaching out to her, more so at night and gently speaking to her as if she was there helps. I pray for you and finding some peace and know we are in this together. Reach out to me if you need a shoulder as we go continue our daily routine without our Mother.
My mother passed away Sept 8th/16. I idoled my mother. She was the star in my eye. I have lost my boyz to an ex. I wasn’t rich enuff. I had stage 3a cancer 3 1/2 years ago. But I beat it. Thank God!! My mother and I didn’t get along to well. She was always pushing me off to my grandparents. Her mom and dad. Took care of them tell God came and took them. Then off to my aunt, sister or whoever would take me. There are 5 of us kids. I was 2nd to the youngest. After mom had our little sister it just seems mom put me aside. I felt lost and alone. I had to wear my 7 year older sisters clothes. Nothing new. But shoes. Then I would be soo happy I would sleep with them on. I was never really into school. That my bad. But I tried soo hard to make my mom love me. It kills me she is gone. I look just like her. I dunno why my mom hated me so bad. I never did anything good enuff for her. We had such a love hate relationship. Fighting all the dang time. I hated the way she flipped me off behind my back. She was something… So many seen we just didn’t get along. That made my nieces, nephew’s judge me. I hate drama. So I wouldn’t go around my mom to much… I was over bein yelled at and told how fat I am… I wish I could of had her love. That’s all I ever wanted. Was just her love.
As I sit here and cry my eyes out as I read everyone stories, I feel a little comfort seeing that people can actually relate to how I am feeling. Cancer took my beautiful Mother away from my family in March of 2017. Me and my mom were inseparable and although we had our bad times my mom was my bestfriend. We shopped together, talked for hours, and said I love you over and over throughout the day that family would ask us how many times are we going to keep saying it, but we didn’t care. The love I have for my mom I can’t even describe, so being with her at home during her final weeks it was killing me to see her so thin and not able to communicate since the cancer literally took over. I was with my mom until her very last breath and I felt her leave this earth as I held onto my sister and cried until I was almost out of breath as everyone just stood weeping and in shock. My family wasn’t prepared as we never suffered from a death like this in our immediate family. I still have my loving and wonderful Father that I must be there for and make sure he’s ok. I often feel bad not realizing he’s grieving as well and I always talk about my feelings so I changed my tune and just try to make sure he’s ok as well before stressing him out. I understand what everyone is going through and I take it day by day. Sometimes I am able to have a good day just by remembering how silly and funny my mom was and talking to her as if she’s home, and then there’s bedtime when everything negative or sad replays in my head and I just cry. I know my mom is in Heaven and watching over us. I have thought about suicide but told myself NO quickly. My mom would be so angry as she raised all of her children to be strong and even tried to prepare us for life without her. I have God on my side so I have been able to pray on my bad days and then feel better. It’s so hard though and I will keep everyone in my thoughts and prayers. Like I told my family, cancer didn’t win, God saw her struggling and called her home. He said enough is enough.
Jo,
I feel your pain. I pray that God will give you peace knowing that your Mom is in Heaven.
My Mom has been gone for 2 1/2 years now. I can function but it’s still not easy. There remains an empty hole in my heart that i realized will always be there. so much of her is left behind. I see a lot of things that remind me of her. That’s mostly a good thing but sometimes i just lose it.
In my case, i will not get real relief until we meet again. Life is not the same, that’s for sure.
I pray for all here who is experiencing this excruciating pain.
Blessings to you.
JuJu
Losing my mom was the worst experience of my life. She passed in August, 2015. I think of her constantly, but the tears that once flowed freely down my cheeks at the mere mention of her name have now been replaced with a smile. I laugh at our escapades. I remind myself that she is with me more now than she was in the nursing home! I talk to her all day long (in my head, of course), and I often find that she answers in special little ways. Your mom has reunited with family that she missed. Give yourself some gentle reminders that your mom is pain-free, and happier than ever. It does get easier with time.
Thank you for sharing. Your Mom visits you in your dreams.
It’s been 6 years since my mother died. I have no relatives. So called friends have disappeared. I cry every night & mourn her death. Therapy hasn’t changed this. What am I to do?
Beth,
I’m sorry. I lost my mom August 2016. You’ll never forget. Therapy did not help my sister. I worked in mental health and felt like therapy would not help me. You take it one day at a time, my sister. Some days are better than others. My mom and I were like sisters, best friends and we done everything together. Now it’s like I’m on my own. For many days after she went home to be with the Lord, I wanted to die because to live without her was too much. And I have one brother and a sister and my dad. Yet I still felt alone. Yesterday (5.1.17) I finally wanted to live. I stepped outside, took in the bright sunshine and thought I wanna live.
Please know Beth you aren’t alone. You have a host of friends here. I am lifting you in prayer and my hope is that you think on your mom and pull from the kind of mother she was. What legacy did she leave you and live on that. My mother’s legacy was faith, trust hope and lots of laughter and that’s where I get my strength and the courage to heal from. I pray you do the same because your mother would want you to live a productive life. When you are ready I believe you will accept beauty for ashes. I love you.
Dear Beth,
My heart aches for you. You are not alone, there’s a mighty army of women who have walked this path and continue still. Stay in touch with me or others who know some of what you’re experiencing. Please look me up on my blog or Facebook. I’ve been interviewing women who lost their mothers, for a book coming soon. There is hope, there is a future. Don’t walk alone. You are loved.
myrnafolkert.wordpress.com
Myrna
My mother died suddenly 40 years ago, I was 15 years old at the time. I still have considerable grief and sadness from my loss. It was good to find your site to hear of similar struggles. I have never been able to find a way to deal with my grief, I find that the pain I feel is just as intense as when it occurred.
All I ever wanted was for my mother to love me. She had 5 kids I was the 2nd to the youngest. When our little Sister was born I got pushed aside. I lived with her mom and dad tell they both passed. When I was home my 2 brothers did things to me. Bad things. But never sex. Just everything else. I begged my mom not to leave me home with them. But she always did. I got my butt beat all the time. My brothers now hate me and think there doo much better then me. But that’s ok. All I am satin is all I ever wanted From my mom was to be loved. You don’t understand unless you have been in others shoes. But just remember I forgive them. Cause after beating stage 3a cancer, I do think I am God’s earth angel and will be a heavenly angel, when God, calls me home. God bless you all!! Renae
I lost my mother in death just last month 04.16.2017, it was so sudden that we were all totally unprepared at the slightest. The pain of losing her is truly sharp and painful. I still have the card in which I ought to give her . Tears just rolled unexpectedly at any time of the day. My head is throbbing. My heart pouncing. I really want to hug and kiss her and talk and laugh and travel together. I really super miss my mother.
We exchanged SMS and I called her at around 2130H. She advised me to immediately go to the hospital by tomorrow as I was complaining about an abnominal pain which almost took my life away 2 years ago. Then at 2230H my sister called up and told us that mom needs to be admitted immediately, her ECG was not good and when my sister cried she asked: “Why are you crying? Am I going to die? Do I have cancer?” And just 2 days after that, my mom died.
The shock was indescribable. It is still so vivid how she literally fought hard to breath and when I kissed her I told her to pray and she answered in labored breathing “yes”. How I miss my mom. The pain is excruciating.
I lost my dad January 24, 2017 and my dear mother May 8, 2017 it was hurtful when dad died, but nothing like losing my mother. She was my best friend, my listener, just all around she was my everything. I miss her more than words can ever say….But I did promise her after she got so sick that I would be there holding her hand when she took her last breathe and that promise I did keep…..I love you mother and miss you unconditionally.
I lost my mom a year ago and 4 days. I had a episode at work i lock myself in the restroom for about 30mins then i decided to get up and get my stuff and walked out without saying a word. It was raining that day i walked all the way to my mom house where she passed i was upset about something because i was on my way going to break all the windows at my step dad house and take my mom car. I was mad and saying bad things about my mom for living. My job called me looking for me. I told them i was sitting outside in the rain. Its like i lost my mind the day after she passed. Why is that what happen to me? My doctor put me on some medication but it was a low does like 10mg and she made me get off of them a few weeks before the anniversary of my mom death. Do you think the job can let me go for the things i done on that day. For abdoment of a patient. I work at a hospital. What will happen? I just got so much going on my dad also got in a car accident on his bike he was in icu for 2weeks and had to go to rehab in new orleans for brain injuries i take care of him now. This haappen like 8months after my mom death. Its like i have alot on my shoulders i have two step kids thst moved in August of 2016 that was new to me then my dad got in that accident then bills was out of control then truck broke and had to walk to work and back from work then i almost got in a fight at work the got suspended for 2days now im stuck on a floor that people dont care for me because of my behavior and then i had my breakdown at work the day after the lost of my mom. Im only 31 years old the only daughter my mom had. Two brothers that look at me like im they mom. Im the youngest. Can you help me figure out whats going on with me
hey,
i lost my mum on the 12-12-16 after a long fight with mental problems, she had a blood clot which she had a cardiac arrest from, they brought her back to life only to realise she was serverely brain damaged and was taken off life support and died 2 days later, i miss her so much but was there with her when she passed, not a day goes by that i dont miss her and the anger i feel that shes been taken away is unbearable, the guilt of could i have done more rips me apart, i would do anything to talk to my mum for 5 min i miss her like crazy.
My mother passed two month ago. I am find it hard to get over the fact that she is no longer here. I have been by my mother side up until her death. My mother lived with me all my life and knowing that she will never come home after work talking to me about her day or the little argument that we had. I am truly missing it. I always said that when every me and my mom argues I also seem to loose a organ and now it’s the other way I lost her. I am 39 yrs old and I can’t seem to stop hurting or getting the memories of her dying in my arm out of my head. Am so lost right noe
Dearest Lynda,
I am so sorry for your loss. Just 2 months in…it’s so hard. When you read all of the comments that say with the passing of time, it gets better, well it does, in a way. It’s been almost 3 years for me and i’m still in pain.
Lynda, know that you are not alone. This is a pain that almost can’t be explained, it’s a pain that’s pierced your heart.
God bless you as you walk through this. May His peace find you and surround you.
One of the best ways that i found that helped (and still does) is writing. Writing seems to help some. I can’t bring myself to read what i wrote in the beginning because it was/is so raw and painful.
Take care!
My mother died 6 months ago, and it has just been too hard. I shifted cities and switched m job thinking that I needed to breath new air but it just made everything so much worse. I am struggling so much now, not just with the crushing, overwhelming grief, but with my glaring inability to just….exist. I can’t. I am bad at my job. I am bad at managing my home. I can’t deal with not having her, I just can’t. It’s destroying me from inside. I thought I would feel better if I wasn’t around people whose eyes would constantly reflect my loss, but now I feel like shouting through rooftops going ‘HEY GO EASY ON ME, I LOST THE ONLY PART OF ME THAT MATTERED’ but people who haven’t dealt with grief can only just imagine how crippling it is. I am just struggling at existing, and I really don’t know how to make this better.
I lost my mom 4 years ago on the 25th of this month. I too moved a year after my mom passed I had moved to a new city for her and I just couldnt stand to be there after she passed. I’m so sorry for your loss. I know how much it hurts. If its any comfort to you, the first year is by far the hardest. The wound is still so raw. I promise it does get better You forgive yourself and let go of anger. The first year all I could do was beat myself up on all the bad. Why did I do or say this etc. It does get better though and it becomes easier to wrap your mind around. Thinking of you xo
Garima, I understand your pain. My Mother died 10 months ago. I thought I was doing okay but now I have some sort of delayed mourning. Yes it is complicated and sometimes crippling. I try to remember and I hope you can too-our Mothers loved us and want us to be happy. We have to try -to honor them. I hope you can find some support and a job that you like. I am on the same journey. Peace and comfort to you.
I came across this while looking for some online help with grieving and trying to cope with loss. I lost my mom on November 12, 2016. It hasn’t even been a year yet but it feels like an eternity. I contemplate living every single day just because she is not around. I feel so lost, broken, and sad. She was my absolute best friend in this cruel world. My mother had a long, hard battle with cancer. She was diagnosed with Ovarian (twice) and was cancer free afterwards for about 4 and a half years, until she was diagnosed with Leukemia in June of 2016. Honestly, I thought she was going to win. I really really did. She was the strongest person I have ever met, the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. If I could hold her hand and hug her one last time–I would give anything. Her energy was infectious, she remembered every birthday, date, recipe and tradition…and I honestly hope I can be half of the woman that she was. I was 24 when she passed. I am now 25 and trying to live my life peacefully and happy. My boyfriend (who I met while I was dealing with all of this) has been nothing but amazing and supportive and I truly believe he came into my life as a blessing. We are now living together and creating a life of our own, but yet I still feel so so lonely. He met her once or twice, so he never fully understood how much of a beautiful person she was. My family life definitely wasn’t easy. My parents had their ups and downs, and a majority of my time was spent listening to them argue about money. My dad even threw a table at my mother one night when I was a young child, but despite the abuse… they were married for 31 years. I have a younger brother who is 22 and he is definitely still struggling with all of this, too–but I think he is trying to stay strong for my father. My dad is a mess, and I find it so hard to talk to him, about anything. He cries whenever I call him, starts off his conversations with “You wont even believe this” and “Christina I just don’t know what to do…” laying alot of his guilt and stress and problems on me. He doesn’t really have alot of friends… I know he lost a huge part of his life, but I did too. When my mom first passed, I will never forget what he said to me…”I have known your mother longer than you and Anthony, so how do you think I feel?” I think that was the day I finally stopped caring and needed to remove myself from my family household. I feel horrible for moving out and leaving, but I feel like I had to to keep my sanity and help them move on with their lives…(side note: my brother doesn’t have a job, and my dad is disabled…) Is it wrong or selfish of me to do this? I still can’t believe how much my life has changed, for the better and for the worse. I guess I really just wanted somewhere to tell my story and get some more opinions on my life.
Christina, I am sorry you are hurting and feeling so empty. I completely understand. My mom died July 16th of this year and I too lost my best friend. Our stories are very similar in many ways, and it sounds like your mom was the glue that held your family together. Although I had my mom much longer than you (she lived with me all my life) she always talked of missing her mom because she was the same age as you when her mom died. I never really understood her grief, until now. I am sorry your brother and father are not a comfort to you, although I realize they are grieving too. If you feeling like emailing directly with me, please do. f-e-soulmate@q.com. As a mom myself, I know your mom would want you to be happy and secure in life and not mourn forever. Not because of your love for her, but because of her love for you. That was a thought I realized just recently which seemed to help my day. It does help to journal or talk with someone who understands, so feel free to contact me. God bless you.
I have noticed you don’t monetize your page, don’t waste
your traffic, you can earn additional cash every month because you’ve got hi quality content.
If you want to know how to make extra money, search for:
best adsense alternative Wrastain’s tools
My deepest sympathy. I know exactly how you feel having lost my mom while I was pregnant. Honestly, it has been harder than I could imagine knowing how SHE would have enjoyed being a grandma. I have to believe our moms are still around. I dream my mom came and held my daughter as an infant. I choose to believe it is true and she has enjoyed watching her granddaughter grow. Know you mom is IN YOU! Connect with her – don’t ignore it. She will be honored by the life you lead. Hang in there.
I lost my dad over 20years ago with no warning. I’d always been close to my parents as the youngest and only girl of the family, but his death made me even closer to my mum. Whatever we did, we were always each other’s consideration for over a decade. Still remember huddled up watching re-runs of American classics. As my mum is ageing I am having frequent bouts of anxiety, the fear of losing her and the massive emptiness that will result. It’s like I’m grieving her future death over and over again. People keep telling me I’m being daft, but I know its an inevitable reality and the fear of losing someone that thoughtful, supporting, caring, selfless is breaking me now. How will I cope later with 2 children who also dote on her? A best friend who understood me without ever being told. How do I overcome this pain of inevitable loss?
I have no answers, but I send a bit of love to keep in your pocket. Use it, know it is there, always. As alone as you may feel when the day comes, know you are not alone.
Enjoy and cherish every breath and moment. Dad died early, Mom was here over 40 years since. It’s never enough time.
lost my wife 16 months ago of 45 years after caring for her in her journey with cancer and just two weeks ago lost my son of 33 years to the c word with his journey with the c word , had lots of support and seeing a professional to helper , there are no lesson plan for this activity ……….
Hugs and condolences to you. I hope you have friends and other family to help you through these tough times. May only the good memories remain. It takes time. You are doing the right thing by getting professional help. Also, maybe you could find a bereavement group for people who have lost loved ones to cancer. Check with your local hospital. Peace be with you in your journey.
Wow! So very sorry for your losses!
I know the excruciating pain that you are in.
I turned to God to help me. At first I was very angry at God for taking my loved one. I really couldn’t see any help for me. I couldn’t even get off the couch for at least two weeks. I also sought grief counseling and it helped to an extent.
After 3 years, I still struggle but can now continue my journey.
When my thoughts go awry, I can change my thoughts to something else and that helps!
May you find the help and peace that you need through this oh so challenging time of your life! Hugs!
It has helped me to read this above. I am 39 and lost my mum june this year suddenly aged61. She had four years were my dad left her for another woman, she finished working a job she loved since 18 for the NHS through lack of support, and her sister who lived in oz and had got married last year, diagnosed 2yrs previous took her own life, after my mum, her and my uncle had started rekindling their sibling relationships just a couple of years prior to my aunties suicide. I know this hitmum hard. Many years she liked a few wines at evening time, but eventually amounts crept up. Mum did avoid doing much with me and my three kids but now I look bk and as a nurse, think my mum knew she wasn’t well and therefore as we were so close, had chosen not to see us as maybe this would make things harder for all. At first, having always been a very emotional person, I become hardened and couldn’t cry anymore.then once my kids were in bed, single, I would sit and begin to think of her death with all kinds of emotins. I would quickly refocus on something, anything, to avoid feeling all this. The pain is horrific, empty a bit but unexplainable! I find I have no interest in anything, or anyone, including my young kids, aged 7,9 and 12, and am not listening though appearing to, to anyone’s conversations at all. I don’t care about anything, be all and end all of it and its beginning to concern me especially when the kids tell me of new findings in their lessons, grades, praise from teachers etc. This is not nice and I don’t like being like this as I have always loved and been very good as a carer, to listen to others. I truly cudnt care less anymore though since mum has died. Is this normal and am I starting to greive? I am very snappy too and not being what my mum always was to me, a supportive, fun filled mum, I can’t even sit to watch TV with my kids, read or listen to them reading, look at school work,help encourage homework, play time, making memories etc. This makes me feel like I am failing both as a mum and what mum would have wanted me to be.
Thanks
Louise Barr
It has helped me to read this above. I am 39 and lost my mum june this year suddenly aged61. She had four years were my dad left her for another woman, she finished working a job she loved since 18 for the NHS through lack of support, and her sister who lived in oz and had got married last year, diagnosed 2yrs previous with bi polar, took her own life, after my mum, her and my uncle had started rekindling their sibling relationships just a couple of years prior to my aunties suicide. I know this hitmum hard. Many years she liked a few wines at evening time, but eventually amounts crept up. Mum did avoid doing much with me and my three kids but now I look bk and as a nurse, think my mum knew she wasn’t well and therefore as we were so close, had chosen not to see us as maybe this would make things harder for all. At first, having always been a very emotional person, I become hardened and couldn’t cry anymore.then once my kids were in bed, single, I would sit and begin to think of her death with all kinds of emotins. I would quickly refocus on something, anything, to avoid feeling all this. The pain is horrific, empty a bit but unexplainable! I find I have no interest in anything, or anyone, including my young kids, aged 7,9 and 12, and am not listening though appearing to, to anyone’s conversations at all. I don’t care about anything, be all and end all of it and its beginning to concern me especially when the kids tell me of new findings in their lessons, grades, praise from teachers etc. This is not nice and I don’t like being like this as I have always loved and been very good as a carer, to listen to others. I truly cudnt care less anymore though since mum has died. Is this normal and am I starting to greive? I am very snappy too and not being what my mum always was to me, a supportive, fun filled mum, I can’t even sit to watch TV with my kids, read or listen to them reading, look at school work,help encourage homework, play time, making memories etc. This makes me feel like I am failing both as a mum and what mum would have wanted me to be.
Thanks
Louise Barr
Louise,
I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I know I felt like I had joined a club I never wanted to be a member of. While I would be happy to share my full story, I will focus on some things you might consider – some of them are what worked for me as I went through the grieving process.
It is totally normal to go through a variety of emotions. For me they were numbness/not caring/doing the minimum to get through my day, anger (at everyone, everything, or nothing specific), sadness (would cry randomly, for silly reasons – but truth is, they were not silly), guilt (for stuff I did and did not do) and some other emotions too. Google Stages of Grief on the Internet.
Also consider….
1. You must take care of yourself so you can take care of others/your family. Do one thing for yourself each day. It might be small – like taking a 10 minute walk around the block, going to see a movie, or treating yourself to a cup of tea from your favorite takeaway, but try to find something for you. My thing was a 30 minute walk each morning. (sub point – do not self medicate yourself with food or alcohol – it does not help in fact you feel worse. Better to take 10 minutes walk and a big glass of water.)
2. It is ok to ask for help to get through this. Both help with your house and family, and also to deal with your grief. (I had a tough time getting my husband to understand that I was grieving and needed his help running the house (dishes, laundry, dealing with kids) and as a listener. But I told him it was consuming my thoughts all day, and I needed to get through this. I had to tell him it is normal for people to having the feelings I was having. Sometimes I would ask my kids to make dinner for me, or tell them I was feeling sad and could they help me by doing the dishes without arguing. It wasn’t always perfect, but helped me. I made sure to thank my husband or kids when they helped out extra )
3. Is there a bereavement group you could join? Perhaps through your hospital, or a local organization (like a cancer support group), or your own doctor could help you find one? I found a group through a local Visiting Nurse Service. It was helpful to hear other’s stories of loss, and know I am not alone in how I was feeling. I went about 7times out of the 9 sessions. Very helpful, although I was in a “numb” phase – I didn’t know what to say and did not contribute much. Listening helped me start my healing.
4. Can you journal – write down your feelings and thoughts? I used to email myself. Even though I file those emails away and rarely re-read, it helps me to put my feelings and thoughts down in writing.
5. Acknowledge how you are feeling. Even just to say your thoughts outloud, when no one is listening, is helpful. (I am angry because…..I really feel…..I wish….). And, it is ok to say to your kids, I am sorry I am a little sad today/sometimes. I am missing my mum and I wish she could give me a hug right now. Or whatever you need to say. Sounds like you have good kids, maybe they can give you a big hug for some comfort.
6. Find 1-4 good things about every day. One day at a time. One hour at a time. Baby steps. You will get through this.
7. Would a psychologist or psychiatrist help? Just to talk through things for a few weeks or couple of months. A priest or spiritual person from your religion?
8. Can you talk to your brother? I mean, really open up to him? My brother and I had 4-5 long conversations where we just talked on the phone, cried a bit.
It has been 2 years and 2 weeks since my mom passed. For me, Christmas is the time she passed away, but it was also her favorite time of year. I hear the holiday music and tears automatically come to my eyes. The first year after she died was truly hard, but by reaching out to people, sharing my feelings with others, keeping busy, and making sure I took care of myself, little by little things did get better. It was not a straight line to the place I am now. I still miss her every day, but am stronger and more understanding of who she was, who I am, and the mom I need to be to my own. Best of luck in your journey of healing. You are a strong person and you will get through this!
Just a follow up as I re-read your post. I pushed myself to do 1 thing each day for myself, like I said even that 10 minute walk, or a coffee in the back yard to look at the plants and feel the sunshine. Also, I forced myself to schedule time with each of my kids – “later today we will go….” and told myself for the one hour or whatever, I would focus on them and be “in the moment”. I had to push myself but so glad I did. And then after the time (for me or my husband or kids) say hey, got through that! and try to think a nice thought, like I enjoyed the meal, or it was nice to get out. Baby steps.
And I can’t emphasize enough how you have to acknowledge your pain, let people know you are hurting, but also make a commitment to yourself to deal with your emotions and dig deep to move forward….even if just getting through the day. You can do it!
I loss my Dad in June of 2015 Than i loss my Mom October 2015 Than i loss my Oldest Sister May of 2017 why does it still huet
I’m sorry to hear that. When you love deeply, the pain will linger for quite some time.
Grief is being so filled with love that it seems it has nowhere to go since our loved ones departed.
Hang in there. As the days go by, it gets a little more manageable.
Blessings!
Today would have been my Mama’s 83rd Birthday. Oh, how I wish I could hug and kiss her one more time!
It’s days like these where grief is overwhelming!
Happy birthday in heaven Mom!
I long to see your beautiful face.
Xoxoxo
I cannot deal with my mothers death
Maritza,I feel your pain, honey. There’s nothing like losing your precious Mom!! Nothing compares!!
You need to take time to grieve. It is ok to feel this way. Get in touch with your feelings. Research the grieving process, reach out to friends and family to share your feelings. A bereauvement group from your local hospital, hospice or visting nurse service may help. Baby steps. One day at a time. Wishing you peace. May time ease your sorrow. You will find your way!
I’m so sorry. I pray that you find connections that will hold you up. Praying you will have peace. That’s why I write about mother loss, so women can help one another. Blessings.
My mom went into the hospital for knee surgery. Two days later she crashed. Four weeks later she left me. My heart is broken
My mom passed in July 2015. Middle of winter here in south Africa. Our worst season. Im an only child, 36yrs old now. I still have no words to describe the pain of my grief. We were very close and I regret not having understood how important she was to me when she was alive, I never thought I would one day be living without her. I miss her terribly and there’s no day that passes by still, where I dnt miss her. I’ve never been married and I dnt have children. Im just alone and I dnt think anybody can ever understand the pain of my loss no matter how I many times or how well I explain it. Its almost three years now since she’s been gone and I dnt think talking abt her can ever help me anymore, nobody would listen now, I cant bore them abt it – life is carrying on. Im the only one who can ever know how I feel and how important she was, and how much I love her. Its worse when I face challenges in my life of growing up. She was always there and we faced things together. I used to wonder how long the pain would last but I dnt wonder anymore. I will always grieve for her, its never going to end. Its just going to be part of me and I need to learn to manage and pull through. Sadly though, I do wish I could die too, soon so I can be with her again. Im not afraid.
I lost my mother in law 2 weeks ago from cancer. She was healthy, exercised and was a well loved women by all. Having a hard time understanding why this happened but having a harder time helping my wife because that was her Mother. My wife took the last 6 month off to take care of her mom. Was there at every step, every bad day, every surgery, doctor appointment, bathed her, feed her, made sure she took her medicine and now since she is gone its been hard. Her mother was her best friend, that was the person she would talk to every day when times were rough and when she had good news. I honestly don’t think I have accepted that she is gone. I just wish there was something to make my wife feel better.
While I lost my daughter, my three granddaughters 17-15-13 lost their mother to breast cancer. Their father who was 42 at the time, maried within about 10 months to a 24 year girl. The environment these girls have found themselves in emotionally has been horrible. The new wife torn up their mother’s pictures and put them in the trash. She and their father would argue very loudly and she would threaten to kill herself because she wanted him to chose between her or his children. when the oldest turned 18, he took her to get her own cell phone plan, her own car insurance policy and took her off his health insurance plan. So when she went to college she had to purchase health insurance because she had to take care of herself. They are not encouraging or trying to assist her if figuring out how to get through the waters – they would not take her to college visits, they would not go with her to meet iwth the financial aid people and if she went to other family members – aunts, uncles, or grandparents – she was yelled at for that. I just do not think this is normal parenting. Yes it may be but their father and deceased mother were professional people with professional jobs – with masters degrees – it is just very sad – I think this is not normal parenting. I have always said no matter how old we become, we always seek our parents approval and encouragement – we want them to be proud of who we became. I realize that when you turn 18 parents are not obligated to support their children but I believe it is our responsibility to work together to help them obtain a skill or career that will sustain them and their future family.
This must be so hard for you. The best thing you can do is be there to help your granddaughters in any way you can. I wish your granddaughter success. Going to college is a good choice.
Thank you for all of your posts. I recently lost my mom and am grieving what feels like every moment of the day, I had no previous loss other than elderly friends or relatives that live abroad. My twins just turned 11 the week before my mom passed away and they are both missing her so terribly much. Reading your stories helps me see we all share similar pain and heartache but we carry on in honor of those precious loved ones we have lost. Thinking of you all and saying a prayer we will all have a little peace and remember the blessings we still hold in our hearts and memories.
To Louise, I am so saddened for your grandchildren but I am glad you are there for them. It sounds like their father has disengaged from his children. In many countries now, there is no age cut off for not being responsible for supporting your dependant adult children. Although age 25 seems to be a guidleline. If the girls still require support, he and his new bride may be financially responsible.
Jay
This has been a good site for me to find, especially tonight. My mother died 6 weeks ago, and been so hard. She was 95 years old, and I honestly believe my family thinks it is time for me to stop grieving so much. When I said that this was not going to be a good Christmas, I was told by my sister-in-law (who also called her Mom, which I was never good with) that I should be happy that she died the way she wanted, in her sleep at home. I had already made the decision that I was going to stay away from the usual family gathering, where I was usually ignored anyway, and while my brother made the comment to me that he would like for me to be there, he understood and just wanted to be sure that I was not staying away because I was sad that Mom was not there. Part of the reason, I will admit, but just can’t get into it this year. She and I lived together, and I miss her so much, and she and I were so close.
Everyone grieves in their own way with different feelings on a different timeline. Google the stages of grief and know the journey isn’t linear. My mom died Dec 18 2015. I had to take one day at a time, find one good thing in every day. I did get help from a beareavement group froma visiting nurse service. I made myself go outside to walk every day, and tried to be associal as I could, even when not feeling up to it I had to fake it till I made it. I still miss my mother especially now, but she would be happy that I am today hosting our quirky family for Christmas. One day at a time. Acknowledge your feelings. But it sounds like your family wants you there because they love you. Good luck myfriend.
My mom would be turning 66 next Monday, March 18th. She passed away almost 6 years ago and I struggle on a daily basis. The evenings and weekends are the absolute worse. My mom and I lived together up until she passed away so I went from having someone always there with me to living alone. My mother was my absolute best friend and now I just feel so alone and empty. I don’t really talk to anyone about the way I am feeling…which I know is not a good thing. I keep everything bottled up inside and just cry to myself when no one is watching. I think the thing that has made the grieving process even more difficult for me is what I have done to my life since losing my mom. Being successful was very important to my mom. She made sure I saved money and took good care of myself. I graduated college, got a good job, exercised every day…..I had my life together and I was on the road to a very successful life. But after she passed away, I quit my job, spent my entire savings, spent my entire inheritance (which should have been enough to allow me to live a VERY comfortable life)…gained about 90 lbs, pushed away everyone that has ever cared about me, developed a binge eating/drinking problem…basically just made a complete mess of everything I worked so hard for. Now I can’t seem to break the cycle. Some days are better than others but for the most part, my life is just complete crap. I did finally start working again but the job isn’t anything that I thought I would be doing. I basically had to start at the bottom again because no one wants to hire someone who has been out of work for four years. I am making less money than I did at my part time job during college. And one would think that not making much money would actually help with the binge eating/drinking…you know, since I rarely have any money. But somehow I am always able to find the money for my addictions. I have a huge amount of debt which is incredibly frustrating and makes me feel super guilty…my mom worked full time up until 3 weeks before passing away just so that she could be sure that I would receive the maximum amount of her life insurance. I have so much guilt because I just blew it on stupid stuff. She wanted to make sure I would be set for life and would not have to worry about not having her to take care of me. She wanted to be able to provide for me even when she was not around. But somehow I managed to ruin that within two years of losing her. Talk about feeling crappy and useless. I don’t even know who I am anymore. I am most definitely not the woman my mom raised me to be. The other day at work one of my coworkers said something that must have been a trigger for me….I guess I thought I gained enough of my confidence back that his words would not affect me the way they did, but I sure was wrong. I have a picture on my desk of me and my mom. It was taken about 3 years before she passed away. I was cute, thin and actually put effort into my appearance. My coworker walked past my desk and asked if the girl in the picture was my sister. I said, “no that’s me.” He replied, “WOW! I knew you gained weight but I had no idea it was that much!” I wanted to crawl under my desk and cry. Again, I did not realize how powerful this trigger was for me. I thought I had kind of accepted the fact that I gained the weight and no longer looked like the same person…but I was not prepared for the way his comment would affect me. Ever since he said that, I have been spiraling down. It’s like I had finally taken ten steps in the right direction but his comment made me turn around and run 10 miles back down. I didn’t say anything to him about the way he made me feel, I mean he really doesn’t matter to me and I know he is just going to defend himself or say it was a joke. But now I am just stuck back in this sad, foggy mindset. I can’t concentrate at work and I end up just staring off into space, thinking about my mom and the life we shared. My head is just so full right now and my thoughts are getting the best of me.
Thank you for listening to my little rant. I needed to get that out of my head. Hopefully my day will get a little better. My thoughts and prayers are with all the other people who have lost a loved one. We are not alone….xoxo
Sara, Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I can really relate to how you are feeling and to the loss you are suffering. I miss my mother everyday and I cry like I have never cried before. I lost her on December 4 2014, and it still feels like it was yesterday. Remember what all your mother taught you and remember her love for you. I would like to say over time it gets easier, but it really does not. Especially if you had a very close and loving relationship as you said you did. My mother was my best friend, my sister, my cousin, my confidant, she really lit up a room, she was full of life, love and laughter. She was sassy but really funny. We made a great team, the older we got.
The hardest thing now is the silence in the home. It is hard to get motivated. It is hard to find that joy and fun again. I too, am trying to figure out what to do from here. I so was looking forward to getting old with her and being able to joke about the past and such, but now.. her being the only relative i had left, just saddens me. I can understand the loneliness. I pray that God brings you peace, and love in your time of need. To all of you that have lost a mother, I hope you can find inner peace and take one day at a time. Thank you, Kathy
You must participate in a contest for one of the best blogs on the web. I’ll advocate this site!
I lost my mom feb27 2019 I’m so hurt but she was 73 I’m 53 the baby an only girl really close I except she’s gone and can’t bring her bk she was sick I get tht wht I need to no I no she’s in heaven I’m going will we still have a bond will we remember the love between us I took care of her very close my better half I need to no in peace 💔
Im drowning in guilt and regret. My mum was my best friend, but I wasn’t there for her as I should have. She was diagnosed of stage 2 endometrial cancer July this year.im staying in another city, 12hours drive, or 1hr flight. Was communicating, calling everyday. She begged me to come see her, but i told her december, because she was living with my big sister and my two brothers lived few blocks away. After her surgery September, she still pleaded with me to come over, but I reminded her december was almost here. I selfishly didnt want to travel twice this year. Then 4days ago, on october 16th, she died. I cant forgive myself, i feel I failed her. And she loved me the most of all my siblings still I wasnt there for her. I feel like the most terrible person. And its not like I was busy, I was super free. This regret and guilt is killing me. Please how do I get through this, im lost!
Oh honey. I’m so sad for you. Please please don’t blame yourself. Everyone is appointed a time to shed their bodies and meet their maker. Please realize that there was a reason that you weren’t supposed to be there. You may never know the reason. But rest assured that there is one.
As everyone says, it will take time. And unfortunately, time can be our enemy while going through the rotten stages of grief.
Your precious mother is out of pain and she is experiencing a joy that we can only dream of! This earth is just a stopover, if you will. You will see her again someday.
My precious mother showed herself to me many times while I was grieving. The things that happened…there could be no other explanation for it. Not one. I hope that you can experience the same thing.
I also carried a lot of guilt. For instance, she told me that she was dying and I didn’t respond to that comment I don’t know why! It took my granddaughter to tell me that it wasn’t a conversation that we should have had.
Please don’t carry any guilt. Nothing can change it and, most importantly, your Mom wouldn’t want you to.
God bless you!
After 5 years of having losing my mother, I do not allow my mind to ‘go there’ as it’s still too painful to this day.
Please seek counseling if you’re still struggling. I did that and it was o helpful.
((((Hugs))))
Xoxoxo
Aheda,
No regrets. Please remember your mom for who she was. You did not fail her, you communicated every day. She loved you very much, and you loved her. Yes, this will be hard for you, and for your siblings. You had no way of knowing when her time had come. It is normal to be overwhelmed, and to feel sad, guilty, angry…(google Stages of Grief, and keep in mind no one goes through the stages the same way or the same time or the same order.). One day at a time…one hour at a time if you need to. I wish you peace, and may the good memories of your times together remain in your heart.
Thanks alot Alex and Juju. Your replies gave me light. Been working on myself, not been easy, but It gets better by the day. I thank God for this forum.
For my mother, my best friend, my confidant, here I write for you:
I have posted before and have really appreciate having this area , this platform to be able to say what I need to say and also be able to read that I am not alone, when it comes to missing and wanting to share memories of my mother. I have been desperate at times to go to counseling, unfortunately I recently had two bad experiences with one a counselor and the second to my surprise a spiritual adviser. The reasons they both ended in sadness, is both were very insistent that I “Just get over my mother’s death especially since it has been 5 years coming December 8 2019”.
Her death was unexpected, She was misdiagnosed, She received the wrong treatment, and was given medication that she was allergic to that ultimately led to her death.
I blame myself everyday, every hour, every minute and every second I take a breath of life. I have been trying to deal with the anger and depression and disappointment. Since my mother’s death I have lost 9 more people who were close and caring to my mother as well as to us. I am grateful I still have my spouse and my dog. Although at times I feel I hold on them too tight, in fear of the worse.
The counselor felt, I put my mother on a pedestal, but in reality I know the damn difference of being good and bad, I know people are not perfect and i know my mother did the best she could with what she was given.
She had such a strong spirit and soul. She was so kind and loving. I can remember as far back as 3 to 4 years old, her teaching us anything and everything about the world. No question or word or swear word or subject was taboo. She wanted us to grow up with an open mind and to make sure we looked at both sides of any situation and always do your best in collecting facts. Not to mention knowing how to cook, clean and work and that went of both my brother and I.
My mother was physically abused as a child, as well as emotional, by her father, as soon as she graduated high school she went on to flight school and graduated from there only to then fall in love with a military man. He married my mother once he quit the military after Vietnam and became a State Trooper, through the years growing up, mother stayed home as much as she could to take care of us, teach us and did some home schooling to make sure we were well above ready for school. As we grew, it was becoming clear from my observation, that her husband was emotional, physically and mentally abusing my mother, it was not until i was between 8-9 years old that he was starting to physically and mentally abusing me. He had kept my mother and I pretty separated as much as possible, nothing was discussed unless he was present.
Thank God he spent most of his time on the road, cheating and lying to the community and stealing from the State Troopers. When my mother found out she forced him to return the items and for him to be grateful he had a job still, because of his actions he was demoted to another town. By then I am in junior high and the abuse on me got worse as well as the emotional trauma. My mother was doing everything she could to keep up the appearance that you are required or we can say demanded out of you when you are married to a State Trooper.
Please understand had my mother knew of the situation that was going on with me, she would have taken action sooner. She as well as I did not have any idea that this shit was going on under our own roof. We all had school, work, studies, sports, theater, her trying get educated here and there and work, we all were in different directions, so it was easy for father to play the games he did.
By the time I reached 12 to 13 years old the abuse was so bad and his infidelity got so publicized it became difficult to hide. I begged and and pushed for my mother to divorce him and with reluctance she did. At 14 years old I had to face the fact that i was never going to please or gain my father’s respect. I also realized I was going to have to be a strong support system for both my mother and brother to get through the bullshit. Sadly my brother rejected me for this and has banished me because he felt I ran his father off.
Keeping in touch with our father has been very painful and sad. His mother, my grandmother, is the only one who kept up the communication between my father and I. As she was getting older, she asked if I would at least meet up with him for lunch when ever he came to town out of respect for her. So year after year I had to sit across a restaurant of his choice, i would order only maybe a salad or tea, (afraid I would have to owe him later in life.) and would have to sit there and stare at him while he swallowed his food in ten minutes and spent the rest of the 20 minutes typing fiercely on his black berry. Once in a while I got a how you are doing, and when I would follow up with an answer, he was face down into the black berry phone and would say u-huh and oh yeah and really?, although he really did not hear what I was saying, I told him one time I was taking over the world and will be the next dictator, his reply without looking up was “that is good dear.” ( I of course was joking and was proving my point he was not paying attention).
I have digressed, Any women who has been married and has lived through the abuse, embarrassment and shame, guilt, anger, and disappointment, understands how hard it is when you decide to put your two children first and make sure they have everything in regards to a roof over there head, food in there stomach and clothes on there back, as well making sure they get a proper/best education possible as well as being supportive in there daily endeavors and disappointments.
My mother sacrifice her happiness when she married my father to have children. She then again had to put aside education due to my father’s jealousy in my elementary days, to come home and raise us. I watched her sacrifice many things in life to keep him and us very happy. In the end, he never really gave a damn and to this day does not even acknowledge how much pain I am in with the loss of my mother and my grandmother, grandfather and dear friends I had.
As far as the shock about my mother’s death is calming down, understanding she is not going to be walking into the house any time soon has finally hit me. I felt like a really stupid ass when I assumed that when my mother died, that my father would have at least been some what consoling, instead it was more important for him to criticize and proceed to tell me how my mother. . . …Well let’s just say those words should have never been mention. Out of respect, my mother taught me you are not suppose to speak ill of the dead. As far as the divorce she gave him the divorce he wanted, she gave him everything, he didn’t he even have to pay child support for me cause I was already working starting at 11 years old, he did not pay my college education for the three times I have gone and graduated, he did not give up nor pay any alimony, the only thing that she excepted was the pension of $603 a month until she dies. He kept his corvette, his boat, his truck, his two houses, his RV, his four motorcycles and the list goes on…
In her mind at the time, having him have what ever he wanted, was her way of just getting him out of her life. She did not want to owe him and didn’t want him in her life any longer. If it had not been for the attorney, she may have not ended up with the monthly pension.
My mother and I spent our time after he was out of our lives, laughing, hiking, playing, getting educated and sharing adventures, each of us working two to three jobs to make it work. My brother by this time was not a part of the equation, he went to try to live with my father, but with my brother not being 100% white, he was not well received and has remained a pain in the ass, but at least he has glued himself to his father. My brother fell down the same path as my father and has abused, raped and beaten the women he has been with, he cannot hold a job down at the age of 46 years old, he has been fired from every job, even every thing my father has gone out of his way to set up. It is just sad really. My bother has chosen to hide and continue his addictions with alcohol and cocaine. I don’t judge, it is there life. My father does not believe in counseling, he continues to pay his bills for him, and after the fourth college attempt, I guess he as finally quit paying that. He had paid a recent cell phone bill of $3,496, who the hell was he talking to I don’t think I want to know. It was through my grandmother that some of this would slip out and I can tell she was displeased but yet would not advise my father to do anything about it, even though I insisted that they both get help.
I have often wondered if I was jealous of the material crap and such and the answer is NO. I am not after materialist shit, I value life, love, freedom, beauty, passion and the truth. I guess that is why I miss my mother so much. Sure we traveled and went on road trips, but it was more about he quality of love, the affection the support, the laughter, the memories. That is what i miss and I long for. My spouse and I have no children and are not in a situation of being able to have any. Our dog was my mother’s dog I gave to her for her birthday of 2013, so she had just a little over a year with him. OH do I love him so. He is a very special boy and means the world to us, if not for him, not sure if I would have made it after my mothers death. He has been a God sent.
My mother tried to marry a second time. Unfortunately he just used her to get out of his debt and trouble he was in at the town they were living in. It was upon the move to another state, where I live, that she and I found a beautiful, small, cozy but loving home.
She used all of her retirement to purchase it and I helped her go back to college to get a better paying job. All this time, the new husband just would sit in front of the computer and play with himself with the dumb game World of Warcraft shit. It was pathetic and disgusting. After a year of him on his ass, I stuck my neck out and helped him get a good paying job only for him to stab me in the back and hurt my mother. I came over for a visit and found holes in the walls realized he was trying to beat her. At the same time, she was diagnosed with Lupus.
Her illness put things in perspective, she ended up over 8 months in the hospital and when she was out and recovering, is when the idiot (second husband) ask for a family meeting with his parents and my mother and I, only to announce he wanted a divorce because he did not sign up to take care of a sick person, I could not believe what had come out of his mouth, much less his mother agreeing and excepting to take him back home with her and his step father to take care of him.
So right then and there, a pack was formed between my mother and I , that no one or anything would come between us. We were going to handle it all on our own. For 14 years, I did my best to take control of all the house hold expenses, mortgage, utilities, etc, groceries, maintenance on the home and yard, anything and everything to reduce my mother’s stress as well as keeping her as healthy and happy as possible.
I wanted the very best for her, I wanted her to have the chance to find real love, someone who loved her for who she was, and to support her in her endeavors. She was so giving in charity, gifts, I remember being at a local college and 6 other students that were from out of town, as far as New York, to Florida had no where to go for Thanks giving, and my mother told me to bring them along. It was a lovely Thanksgiving. We use to throw Christmas Parties, oh they were the best. We had all kinds of variety of people together, some where doctors, mechanics, military, lawyers, you name it, they came together to share in the merriment of the holiday and cheer. They all loved her cooking and entertainment. I miss those happy days, the laughter. The pranks, the jokes and the love.
She worked really hard keeping up the home, taking care of patients giving the best care she could of. Today i do my best to hold onto the house. This is the first home we really could call home, take great pride in achieving and holding on to it, we work really hard, trying to keep up the yard and such as she would have wanted. One thing I could never figure out with all this shit she has been through is what kept her going? She had such a child like aura, she was sassy, yet very funny. Very hard working, she ran cable and did painting, she was also a pilot ( flew small planes for fun), she loved Las Vegas (the olden days) as well as Disneyland.
It took years after her death why she was so insisting that we go there at least once a year. It took watching a TV show to realize that she could not give me the world so she took me to where we could pretend we were there. Like the Paris hotel in Vegas, or the Lexor pyramid hotel, or The it’s a small world after all ride at Disney land and seeing the many different countries as well as language. We both had hoped to go to London and all of Europe.
My mother was my Yin to my Yang. We could look at each other and we knew what we were thinking and know we were being mischievous. I got the pleasure on more than one occasion to work with my mother. We were a great team, we were complimented a lot for our work ethic. It came to a surprise later to the staff over time when they found out we were mother and daughter.
I pray to God, to Jesus Christ, to my Grandfather, to my Grandmother and to my Mother and beg for forgiveness and for them to continue to watch over all three of us and our home. I have apologized and have tried to find other ways to make any amends. I understand logic, the logic part tells me that I did what I could. But unfortunately my heart is broken and I feel I could have done so much more, but i just wished I could have had some help. I find myself doing this should have, could have, would have…. as my mother would have replied “should a, would a, could a, isn’t going to fix it now.”
I have gone into her room to talk to her, apologize and beg for forgiveness. I go to her room to cry, and lay on her bed and try to think what is it she would have wanted me to do? I try to think of the better, and happier moments and work so hard to block out the last three months of her life. Every year between October and December is just shit. The roller coaster started In October and ended In December 8.
I guess I just wanted to tell anyone that you cannot stop loving someone, and you cannot “just get over it”. I do feel bad for those who have not had the chance to have a mother that cared, loved and sacrificed what she had to ensure the future of her children. like my mother did.
I would like to thank all of you for your patience and time that you chose to take to read this.
Most of all I want to Thank my mother for making me as strong as I am, (even though some days it is harder than hell), for the education she gave me, for the smile and dimples I have, for this lovely home that you made for us, for everything you gave from the heart. I am sorry we were not able to celebrate Thanksgiving and Christmas before you passed, those holidays besides your birthday was always her special time of year. As you know mom, I could say so much more of the many things we did, but that would mean I should then probably write a book.. LOL… like you kept insisting.
Merry Christmas mom, I miss and love you and will always keep you in my heart no matter what they say. What I miss the most is your hugs, your kisses and how you use to pinch my cheek. I miss your thin small hand that would reach for mine in the middle of midnight mass at church and how tightly you held my hand. I remember looking over at you and you would giggle quietly, and I would have to turn my head away before I would explode with laughter, because you and I both knew at that moment how bored we were in the middle of mass. LOL… Hopefully God has a sense of humor.
To the many of you that have lost recently or even as long as 20 years ago or more…. I wish you all a Merry Christmas and a Healthy, Loving and Wealthy New Year! I hope you can find peace in the one you lost, as I am searching too.
Thank you.
My mother died on her 40th birthday in 1964, I was 6 and that was 56 years ago. My parents devorced before I was born, I never knew him but he died in 1968. My Aunt and Uncle raised me and I called them mom and dad but I think of my mother every day. I have 2 adult children and a non verbal autistic 8 year old grandson. Everything before age 6 I can’t, and never could remember. I do have a sister but we were separated within 6 months of her death. Is all this normal. Is 6 some magic number. I think I’ll grieve her till I die. My aunt and uncle have died and I fell like I have no family at all. Is all this normal?
I called my aunt and uncle mom and dad becauce everyone else did. They had 6 children of thier own. I’ve always felt they never wanted me they just got stuck with me. There’s more, alot more but we’ll leave at this for now
O Maggie It is horrible. Cruelty. I live for 18 years and came for my sister we were like one. She kicked me out with a child and maniopulate people against me.Doctors say she has a big problem. She has everything . Problem? It is sadistic cruelty. She killed the love, the family Do my parents see from above. Does God see…what she do. Nothing changes for the better. She throw me and my daughter in agonizing emotional turmoil…God please help Do something…We need to pray a strong prayer to God for help !
Kim Cherry, diagnosed 2011. Kim was diagnosed with the bulbar form of ALS and was given one year to live. His symptoms progressed quickly. Soon he was having difficulty breathing, swallowing and even walking short distances. With the help of several holistic medical practitioners and his wife Kay’s research he has been able to reverse most of his symptoms using diet, herbs, supplements and oxygen therapies including direct IV ozone, which he feels has made the most difference. Kim is playing golf again. He is now 69 and these herbs clinic( healthmedlabclinic1@gmail.com) help him recovered fully.