I’m not about to let myself go.
I’m not about to stop wearing makeup or dressing nicely or styling my hair each day.
I’m not about to relax my standards or let my children get away with things they shouldn’t.
I’m not about to stop being a friend, a daughter, a mother.
I’m not about to stop having dreams.
I’m not about to stop learning, growing.
I’m not about to stop sharing.
I can’t just give up.
I can’t stop moving.
I can’t change who I am.
I know some of these things will change.
I know someday soon I won’t have choices about what I do each day.
I know there will be a day I won’t have hair to style again.
I push myself too hard each day.
I feel I am in a race against a clock.
I must pack as much into each day as I can.
I am in constant motion,
Like a summer child waving her arms to keep the mosquitoes away…
I dance and thrash and run away,
Looking for a place to escape injury where there is none.
I can’t control so many things about having metastatic cancer.
This feeling is one of the hardest things about this disease.
But those things I still can?
I’m holding on tightly onto those,
And I’m not about to let go now.
Link to Twitter
Lisa, you write so beautifully. Eloquently. I wish I had your talent. I just deleted 10 minutes worth of writing. I wrote and wrote. Hoping my words would make you feel better. I know they won’t. I delete. Instead I send you a warm cyber hug. Goodnight. Xx
Beautifully put. I too have mets. Was diagnosed two years ago. Treatments worked then stopped then worked then stopped. All I know is I thought I would be dying right away and bald! Faith does marvelous things, so does our bodies. I am on a drug now that isn’t messing with my hair so I’m enjoying that. I recently said the same thing to my doc about my looks. He said I was all decked out for treatment and I said, “My appearance is one thing I still have control over!” God Bless and keep blogging!!
I second what Yolanda wrote. So often I don’t respond to these at all, because I type out a response, only to re-read it and decide the words don’t sound ‘right’. But I read them all. Every one of them. And some touch me deeply. And ALL of them make me think of you and wish the happiest of days for you. I just don’t say it enough. Love you.
I gain so much understanding from reading your words Lisa. Thank you for sharing your gift of writing with us. I never understood why my grandmother cared about her hair after her stroke (she was in a nursing home), but now from reading your words I get it. Thank you for that.
Keep on dreaming, keep on writing, keep on BEING wonderful you. xo
You define “Grace” and “Positive Energy”
However you choose to spend each day is exactly right, and exactly what you should be doing. It’s a wonderful thing to live each day to its fullest, or even to overflowing. Life is finite, and the only constant is change. Sometimes life is so enragingly unfair, I want to break it into a thousand pieces. But here we are. I have such admiration for you. Love to you, Lisa. Sending you an embrace. xo.
Keep writing you write so beautifully and you do with such grace. Sending lots of well-wishes and virtual hugs for when you need one.
Here is one thing that annoys me about cancer in the public eye. Those who are not killed by the disease are labeled as “survivors”. It is almost as if the “survivors” are more courageous, stronger, and love life more than those who are terminal. As if it were a choice! The truth of the matter is, no one has any more control over this disease than another. Lisa, I want you to know that in my eyes you are a survivor. Not because I will one day read a post that says your body is cancer free. But, because you live your life as freely as a person can—with or without cancer. (Please know that this comment is not meant to discredit the resolve of anyone who has had cancer, but whose body is now cancer free. That could never be my intention. For you too have an individual story of survival that stretches far beyond the boundaries of any label.)
Lisa,
Thanks for your words. I am a single mom with Stage 4 breast cancer, too.
I would like to know more about how you are preparing your children… the conversations, how much is it talked about… life when mommy is gone. My kids know the plan (guardian), and I find myself often apologizing and acknowledging to them (for example, after a bad dream) how unfair it is that my precious children have to worry about me dying. But I don’t think I have yet talked enough with them about what their lives might be like when I can no longer be there for them. I know I need to do a lot of reassuring that they will have wonderful lives, nonetheless. I am now doing a lot of writing for them, so that they will know me better, trying to think of the questions they will have as they grow up, and I am not around to answer.
-janice
Janice,
In reading your thoughtful response and queries, I am struck by your grace and the loving balance you seek in communicating with your children.
I read several of your posts on metastatic cancer. A five-year breast cancer survivor, I have focused on living a healthier lifestyle. But, I have failed to seek information and/or education on the symptoms of recurrent, inflammatory, and metastatic cancer. Acquiring knowledge to have a better understanding of this condition for which there is no known cure is my undertaking for Breast Cancer Awareness month. Thank you for sharing.
back in april just after my surgery for stage 4 breast cancer, I was sitting alone in the basement watching tv, with drains hanging out of my side and a lymphoma wrap on my arm. feeling a bit sorry for my self to be sure. My daughter Marilyn came down and said “moms going to kill me” I asked her why, and she said “I am pregnant” well, AI knew mom wouldn’t kill her, after all, she has been married for 4 years. That gave me an unbelievable boost to go foreword and beat this cancer. two days ago, my first granddaughter was born. now I have to stay around long enough to really spoil that pretty little girl.
Keep on dreaming, keep on writing, keep on BEING wonderful as you are!
Beautiful and moving! Excellent stuff Lisa.