I’m constantly haunted and angered by the language we use with cancer. I woke up in the middle of the night last night and this is what was in my head. I feel the need to caution: please don’t over-interpret this post: my health status has not changed. I’m not stopping chemo or any such thing. I’ve had a few acquaintances die of cancer this month and that’s where this is coming from.
…………………….
People die of cancer every day.
Do you think they didn’t try hard?
Keep their chins up?
Think positive?
Stay strong?
Do their best?
They did.
But it wasn’t enough.
There is no consolation.
Sometimes there is no “getting better” or
“Kicking cancer’s ass.”
Sometimes there isn’t anything else to do but accept the finality.
That’s not giving up,
That’s accepting what is.
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This is especially relevant to me today, my late mother’s birthday. As I’ve said before, your posts are a gift to so many of us. Thank you.
So true!
Lisa,
Don’t even bother waiting….. just add this to the Most Popular Posts list. Short and right to the point. The hard truth and often a very bitter pill to swallow.
AnneMarie
Lisa,
This short post speaks volumes. I, too, am angered by the language our society attributes to cancer. It’s a blame the cancer patient mentality when a patient dies. Truth is, whether someone lives or dies depends on a variety of complex factors. Wonderful post.
Yes.
I think the root of much misguided thinking and talk is that it’s just hard for us to truly take in the idea that we’re mortal, and that those we love are mortal. We want there to always be some action we or they can take to prevent death, so we go with the metaphor of battle or some such thing. Sometimes, it is not at all apt.
<3
This same language you mention here is used in response to other kinds of difficulties that do not get better despite a person staying strong, being positive, doing one’s best. I wonder sometimes if this is a peculiarly American phenomenon. In any case it adds a burden to a burden. Sometimes everything is still not enough, and it says absolutely nothing about the person and everything about the hard facts of some situations.
This post is right on point. Thanks Lisa for speaking the truth.
I hope you are aware of the hearts and minds you touch, Lisa. You are an amazing, amazing teacher of life’s hardest lesson…acceptance of what is. Prayers for you and your beautiful family Lisa..
A dear friend sent me a link to your blog. I’ve spent the day reading. You’re a gifted and insightful writer. I feel like you’ve gotten into my mind and sorted my thoughts into expressible words. Thank you. I’ve linked your blog from minr so others may share.
My mother did everything in her power to stay alive, be her own advocate, I also advocated for her. She had calendar, after calendar, year after year, listing tests and scans and doc appointments and all. She got angry, frustrated with docs and self and us too. Who wants to hear “you have stage 4, there is no cure, but many treatments” but only now do we know that it was “too late” when she was diagnosed. Reading what you are doing vs what my mother did from October 4 to Dec 10 (her death), I am flabbergasted. It is amazing that they have done so much. Do you know what we were denied and what we had to fight and I live in Canada and my mother had amazing insurance hands down. It is true, be your own advocate and keep fighting until they give you what you need. My mom did that a few times before and thank God or she would have been dead before. She was a fighter, i say she was a fighter till the last moment…but yes at a moment you come to accept. My mother explained this to me. She took my had and told me “I don’t want you to be upset but things are not getting better, I can feel it. You need to bring me to the hospital.” By the time the neurosurgeons helped her with her crushed vertebrae (which is a whole other story itself) they saw the metastasis was in her spinal cord, news we never knew of. My mom was not treated as a “breast cancer patient” once she hit the 10 year cleared mark. They said she had bursitis and osteoporosis etc….and yet what tests were done that would have thought metastasis – none..they admit to have dropped the ball..only the assumptions that she’s always in pain chronicly and with fibro and osteo etc that’s common pain. This cancer caught early life can go on for 8 plus year…my mom’s life was shortened because of misdiagnosis and slow reaction time. I trust, I believe, I leave things in God’s hands, but facts are facts….I would not want my mother here suffering even though I wake up every day like half of me is gone. But I will keep her fight going, even if it means to be an advocate for my own health and that of my child. I witnessed one of my mother’s panic’s the day she almost died….but she fought and gracefully as much as this may sound silly, she was going “slowly” from that day so that the punch wasn’t so hard for us but she accepted her finality..even if it was hard for loved ones to truly accept. That’s itself tells you who she was. PURE LOVE.Her words/guestures were that her heart hurt. I would ask for whom? Her loved ones…specific ones she was sad for. For her to leave her grandchild broke her heart more than anything that her only tears for for my daughter. Even in her own suffering she consoled me, held me like a child, rubbing my nose like always, telling me it was okay. That takes bravery…sprit and omg LOVE, LOVE, LOVE. My mom didn’t write a blog but we spooke soooo much that I could tell you what you wrote in this poem is real…like I was in my mother’s head. Someone even said all these two have to do is look in each other’s eyes. We were (are) connected…I would keep hope for her but even I came to the sad conclusion it wasn’t getting better but to enjoy every hour with her. And I did. No regrets as she would say. I hope I will be or continue to be strong like she was and I will continue to pray for your strength that you may be bless with 100 years! Prayer is powerful…positive energy and good vibes your way.
Thank you for this post, Lisa. My mother died two and a half weeks ago and I find myself struggling to see what more we could have done, what more we *should* have done, how we could have turned things around. I needed this. You helped me. Deepest thanks.