If you knew me, you would know I am resilient. Tough, even in the face of the worst news. You would know I rise to the occasion every time. I might break down before, I might break down after– certainly after. But I will meet the challenges at each and every turn.
If you knew me you would know I smiled my way through many of my hard times, lied and smiled and said “fine” when many a person asked, “How are you?”
If you knew me you would know I am not a negative person, that I am not a pity-seeker, nor a martyr. You would know that I just do the best I can, and want to be dignified and strong, but am not in denial.
If you knew me you would know I love to do things for others, moreso than myself. You would know that in this turbulent portion of my life I have done what I can to show others what they mean to me, and how much I appreciate the kindness of strangers… how the smallest encounters can stay with me forever.
If you knew me you would know that I tried my best to make others feel at ease with my cancer. I always took pride in looking the best I could with what I had left. I created outfits around my scarves, and learned how to draw in eyebrows so that it wouldn’t be too obvious I had none. I tried to set a good example for my children, being honest with them about what was happening, loving them as much as I could, and asking the others who loved them to help them feel special and safe.
If you knew me you would know I care for others. When fellow cancer patients have asked to see what reconstruction looks like, I place my pride and embarrassment aside to honor their needs, their fears, their emotions. While some might (and do) hide their illnesses, I cannot. I have chosen for myself, and for my children, to be open about what cancer is, what it does, what price it demands. I believe that being this way will reduce the shame, the fear, and the confusion for them. Nothing has been more important to me than making sure my children understand what is happening and what the scientific reasons are. That honesty does not come at the expense of hope. Of optimism. Of sheer will. To remain mum about these feelings, these thoughts, these explanations of my experience, is to deny my life for the past four years. To do so says the suffering, confusion, and fear were ill-placed. To avoid talking about the reality of the dangers, the problems, the down-times is to not only be in denial but also to assert that my fears are irrational.
If you knew me you would know that I write not because I wallow in darkness, or think negative thoughts all the time. If you knew me you would know I write so that the emotions can be explored, pushed, pulled, twisted, and shared in order for me to be positive, optimistic, and strong for the rest of the world to see. It is the sharing of these ideas on paper, and sometimes reaching the hoped-for connection to people who read them (whether because they resonate with you, move you, educate you, or make you thankful that you have no idea what the cancer experience is) that keeps my words flowing.
If you knew me you would know I’m just a person, doing the best I can with what I’ve got.
Maybe it’s a bum rap, but it’s my bum rap.
It’s my chance to show what I can do:
Just watch me.
Link to Twitter
Terrific post, as always. I’d say you’re a person doing quite a bit–all of it with integrity and class.
I feel lucky I got the chance to meet you in person (and in close proximity to milkshakes) in 2010, and I hope we get the chance to get together more often in 2011!
You’re a model of inspiration not just to women with breast cancer, but to all of us who face adversity in our lives. I love your grace and your desire to help others.
Beautiful post, Lisa. It’s your honestly and openness that makes many of us feel as if we know you already. One day…
As far as I can see, you are doing wonderfully – for yourself and others. I am not facing cancer in my body but in my heart. Family member has it and the new year brings so many changes.
You are an inspiration. Hope I can face any adversity with as much grit, grace, and fearlessness.
You are an inspiration to so many in so many ways. I feel blessed that I’ve met you and continue to converse online. Thanks for sharing so much with us. Have a happy holiday season!
We are watching my friend, we are watching!
I wanted to know you before I even knew you and now that I know you I want to know you even more… than I know you, you know? 😉
You are resilient. You are smart. You are funny. You are talented.
You are beautiful. You are my friend.
(crying…crying…) It’s what I love about you most-you’re all about people, about relationships. Yours is a big, beautiful, generous heart. To know you is to know that you L O V E with that whole, beautiful, generous heart.
You sound like exactly the kind of person I would love to know – resilient, courageous, with lots of integrity and even more heart.
In my humble opinion, you cannot fight what you are unwilling to face head-on. Kudos to you for your unflinching honesty – with yourself and with the rest of us.
Thank you for being brave enough to share your experience with us as openly as you do. The world is a better place for it.
BTW – Your opening paragraph reminds of the song “Stand Back Up” by Sugarland.
Thanks, Kellie… my daughter LOVES Sugarland, I will ask her about the song… I’m not familiar with it but she must have it in her collection. Thanks so much for reading and commenting.
So far, there is only one Sugarland song I do not like. I don’t know the name of it, but I think it’s a spin off of the Elvis “Stuck Like Glue” song. Like the Elvis song. Do not like the Sugarland song! 🙂
Let me know what you think of the song once you hear it. It’s one of my favorites.
Merry Christmas to you and yours!!!
I will definitely let you know. Am curious: does the website tell you that I have replied to your comment or did you happen to check on your own?
Great!
I happened to check on my own.
I’m so glad I found your beautiful post! Thank you so much for expressing what so many of us feel.
Everytime i read one of your posts, i think to myself “Lisa says what i think and feel better than i could ever compose.” Again, kudos my dear! Meaningful and moving expression of your thoughts and feelings.
Blessings to you and yours over the holiday season. xoxo
Wow. Saw this on Twitter. Very powerful. Your blog is wonderful.
It is because of all these things – your strength, character, generosity, perseverance, honesty, humility – that I am happy and proud that I know you and have found you. Thank you for being you!
You are fabulous.
Lisa–you are what I hope I would be. You hold onto yourself and don’t let go. Bless you always.
Merry Christmas Lisa!
I am hoping the New Year gives you continued good news on all fronts and I hope to get to know you better.
Take care!
Mary
Lisa, you threw me a lifeline, that day when I was so confused about my emotions. About why I couldn’t stop crying. It hit me like a ton of bricks and I reached out to you for help. You were there immediately and put me at ease, told me it was ok. I will never forget that. I come here to your blog, even more now that I have cancer to learn. I can never try to emulate you, you have it all. The grace, the knowledge, the confidence to write about cancer on all levels. I’ve tried to share some of my journey, it feels awkward and pity seeking. Maybe I’m not ready to introduce the new me, the Joanne after breast cancer. I’m busy trying to find out who she is. All I know is that I am proud to be amongst a sisterhood that includes people like you, selfless and generous. Willing to lend a hand even at the risk of reliving your own painful experience with this disease. I am so thankful for that.
Something from a movie I love has kept popping into my head since I was diagnosed. My favorite film, Terms of Endearment. The line when Emma is with her best friend and says, “It’s ok to talk about the cancer”. It is ok, it should be ok and you make it ok
Joanne
Lisa – I read this post three times over. It’s an amazing post. In the last year I have come to think more about resiliancy in life. It’s a true gift to have when the going gets tough and it gets us through the hardest of times while allowing us to keeping our soul and inner light intact. It keeps the bitterness that may creep in at those times warded off. Many blessings to you this Christmas and all the best for the new year ahead.